♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed
♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed
♪ And then one day he
was sh**ting at some food
♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude
♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea
♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire
♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"
♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"
♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly
♪ Hills, that is
♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
[KNOCKING]
JETHRO: Mailman?
- Jethro?
- Uh-oh.
- You in there?
- No, sir.
Howdy.
Get up from there.
Yes, sir.
- What's the big idea?
- I'm mailing myself to Paris.
- Paris?
- Uh-huh.
To the Follies Burjare, where
they got all them dancing girls.
You can't get
to Paris like this.
I can't?
Oh, yeah. You got a stamp?
No. Now, get out of there.
But, Uncle Jed, Granny says
for every goose there's a gander
and for every
fella there's a girl.
So?
So somewhere there's a low-down
dirty sneak with two girls, his and mine.
That ain't it, Jethro.
You probably just ain't been going
the right places for meeting 'em.
I know. That's why
I'm headed for Paris.
If you ain't got a stamp,
just send me COD.
You ought to try
around here first.
I have, Uncle Jed.
For days I drove up and down
Wilshire Boulevard smiling at the girls.
And all I got were chapped lips.
- I'm going to Paris.
- No, you ain't.
You go around the back and
take a nice good long swim.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, hold on a minute, boy.
I just thought of something.
Miss Jane is coming
out here today
with the Beverly Hills nest
of the Biddle Birdwatchers.
Why don't you meet
some of them girls?
Uncle Jed, have you ever
seen any of them bird-watchers?
Why, I'd just as
soon look at the birds.
They seem like nice girls.
Well, if it's all the same to
you, I'd rather go for that swim.
I know what the
boy's going through.
Leastways I think
I can remember.
Jed, somebody's been in my pantry,
stole a ham and canned goods and...
- Granny, it was Jethro.
- Ah!
The boy was fixing to
mail himself to Paris.
Dandy. I'll take him
to the post office.
Take it easy, Granny.
The boy's got a problem.
Yeah, no brains.
No, it seems he's having
trouble meeting girls.
[HORN BLARES]
Here comes somebody. Looks
like Miss Jane and her bird-watchers.
Greetings, bird lovers.
- Who?
- You.
I want to thank you for allowing
my little band of fledglings
to nest in your
verdant sanctuary
as they sharpen their sensors
to better pursue their
ornithological avocation.
- I thought you was gonna watch birds.
- Oh, we are, out by your pool.
It's the perfect spot to give
my recruits their basic training.
Oh, well, make yourselves right
at home. Is Elly gonna join you?
Oh, no, indeed, Elly
is no longer a recruit.
She has already
earned her feathers.
Troops, dismount!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three,
four! Hut, two...
Jed, you said Jethro was
having trouble meeting girls.
There's a whole busload.
JANE: Hut, two, three,
four! Hut, two, three, four!
Granny, they ain't exactly the
kind of girls that Jethro cottons to.
Why not?
Well, they...
You mean there ain't one of them
girls that Jethro would like to meet?
Well, I wouldn't say that.
Granny, Mr. Clampett, I should like
you to meet Miss Athena Armstrong.
- Howdy, Miss Armstrong.
- How do you do?
- Howdy, hon...
- [BONES cr*ck]
How do you do?
I bet you're gonna like
the Biddle Birdwatchers.
Oh, I'm not a recruit. I'm from
the national headquarters nest.
She's been right up
there in the front lines.
- You got a boyfriend, honey?
- Granny.
I find my school studies
and bird-watching activities
infinitely stimulating,
allowing of little time
for the superficial pastime
of adolescent dating.
Does that mean that
she's for it or agin it?
As a matter of fact, I have already made
Miss Armstrong my second in command.
Take the recruits
around the back.
Attention!
Right face!
Forward, hut!
[BLOWS DUCK WHISTLE]
A bit awkward now perhaps,
but enough rigorous training
and they'll be cr*ck troops.
Miss Jane, I was wondering
if Jethro could join your group,
- meet a few of the...
- I'm afraid not, Mr. Clampett. Policy.
Several recent incidents
have made it necessary
to confine male-female fraternization
on our bird-watching expeditions
to that done by the
birds themselves.
Well, cheerio.
That's too bad.
There's one girl in that bunch
Jethro could take a real strong liking to.
Hey, Jethro, the Biddle
Birdwatchers is a-coming.
Let me out of here!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
[DUCK WHISTLE BLOWS]
Attention!
All right, recruits, we'll begin your
training with some close-order drill.
Binoculars ready.
Up, two, three! Up! Down!
Oh, boy, Duke. I wish
she'd look over here.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[LAUGHTER]
Girls!
Jethro, would you please stop
that? You'll scare away the birds.
Now let us assume that
we have heard a bird call
which we suspect is that of
the yellow-rumped warbler.
Listening positions.
Hup!
She ain't paying no
attention to me at all, Duke.
I'll try the old
sympathy approach.
Save me! I'm drowning!
- Do you need help?
- Yeah, I sure do.
I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah! Help!
[SPLASH]
Good girl! Grab him!
That's it, keep his
head out of the water!
Wonderful! You've
done it! Hm-hm!
You're saved! You're saved!
JANE: You're saved!
Much obliged.
[MUTTERS]
That big cluck, Jethro.
Must have had 50 pounds
of canned goods in that box
and he forgot a can opener.
No matter. The boy gets hungry
enough, he gnaws 'em open with his teeth.
Well, he'd better quieten down
now that his girl problems is settled.
Settled? How?
He's decided to join
the Biddle Birdwatchers.
No, Miss Jane told me
they don't take fellas.
I told him that.
But he said that he thought up a
sure way to make her change her mind.
Well, he's just wasting
his time. You see...
[CLUCKING]
What in tarnation are
you doing with Elly's birds?
Oh, I just love the little
feathered fellas, Uncle Jed.
I'm gonna be the
birdman of Beverly Hills.
Jethro, the only time
you look twice at a bird
is when it's lying feet
up in a platter of gravy.
Not no more. All of a sudden
I just think they're terrific.
I love 'em. I'm crazy about 'em.
I reckon you seen
that Miss Athena.
How'd you know?
- A wild guess.
- Oh.
So long.
Paw, Paw, Jethro just walked
off with every one of my birds
and he won't tell me why.
Well, Elly, child, I think he just took
a strong liking to 'em all of a sudden.
He thinks they're terrific. He
loves 'em. He's crazy about 'em.
Well, maybe so, but I think it's
'cause he's seen that girl Athena.
I think you're right.
And so, Recruit Lolita, for your
valor and heroism in lifesaving,
I hereby commend you on behalf of
all Biddle Birdwatchers everywhere.
All right, let's hit
it for Recruit Lolita.
ALL: Caw! Caw! Caw!
Miss Jane, Miss Jane.
- Hi, Jethro.
- Howdy, Lolita. Howdy, Athena.
Jethro, why are you here?
I'm in love... with birds.
See how they sits all over me?
Jethro, what birds?
These, my little
feathered friend...
The dirty varmints. I mean the
little darlings must have flowed away.
Yep. But I hope you let me join
the Biddle Birdwatchers anyhow.
Granny says you
don't allow fellas,
but I got a powerful
hankering to watch birds.
Jethro, I see in your eyes
that same burning passion I felt
when I sighted my first
red-bellied nuthatch.
- You do?
- Oh, yes.
And I cannot bear to see such
enthusiasm nipped in the bud.
Perhaps you could join us on a
probationary basis and we could...
Hark! I believe I heard the call
of a... of a yellow-headed bushtit.
Through there.
Binoculars ready.
Up. Hi!
Keep scanning the
low shrubs along the...
Jethro.
Jethro!
Don't worry, Miss Jane. I'll find that
little yellow-bellied whatchamacallit.
Oh, come on, Miss Jane.
Oh, gee whiz, all I
wanna do is study nature.
Wait, Jethro.
Ha, hee, ha! Ha!
Ha, hee, ha, ha! Ho! Ho!
[KNOCKING]
JETHRO: Mailman?
Oh, Uncle Jed.
Please let me mail
myself to Paris.
I even put on a airmail stamp.
So you couldn't get in
the bird-watchers, huh?
It's my own fault.
With Athena around,
who can watch birds?
Yeah, I see your problem.
I just wanna go to Paris
and forget all about her.
So please stop
ripping my box open.
It's miserable work
taping it up from the inside.
Tell you what, Jethro.
You hold off going to Paris a while
and I'll talk to Miss Jane for you.
All right, Uncle Jed.
It won't do no good, but I
gotta wait around anyway.
It's gonna be a while before I
can lick any more of this paper tape.
- Mr. Clampett, how are you?
- I'm fine, Mr. Drysdale.
Say, if you've come
to pick up Miss Jane,
she's out back with
her bird-watchers.
Oh, no, no. She's off today.
You know, 20 years
ago on this date
I took over the presidency
of the Commerce Bank.
So I declared a bank holiday and
all the employees have the day off.
But the bank ain't even
open today. It's Saturday.
Yes. What a shame
it falls on a weekend.
I don't blame you for
wanting to celebrate.
Yes, it's a real
rags-to-riches story,
the great American dream,
poor boy to bank president.
And today is the day
you got promoted.
No, it's the day I got married.
Margaret's grandfather
was chairman of the board.
I suppose every
holiday has its sad side.
Well, speaking of being sad,
maybe you can help me with Jethro.
- He's got a spate of girl trouble.
- Well, you bet I can.
You're talking
to the old master.
- Do tell.
- Oh, yes.
Why, back at college
the girls used to call me...
Never mind what they used to call
me. Well, what's Jethro's problem?
Well, it seems that he's
all pushed out of shape
over one of Miss
Jane's bird-watchers,
and she won't even
look at him cross-eyed.
Not cross-eyed, eh?
Must be a new member.
Matter of fact, she is.
Jethro tried to join, but
they don't take fellas.
Well, they will after I
talk to Miss Hathaway.
No, we don't wanna
break no rules.
All I want is for this girl and
Jethro to get together long enough
so she can see
his good qualities.
And they don't exactly
jump up and shout at you.
Now, here's a thought,
Mr. Clampett. I am a woodchuck.
You are?
No, I mean I was as a
lad. It's a boys' organization.
Now, if Jethro
became a woodchuck,
I could arrange a camporee and a
joint chuckarama with the bird-watchers.
I think you'd better start over
from the part where Jethro
turns into a woodchuck.
She loves me not.
- She loves me.
- Jethro, your girl troubles is over.
- Did you get me in the bird-watchers?
- No, but listen.
You are a woodchuck.
Well, you don't have
to call me names.
- No, it's a club.
- A girls' club?
No, boys'.
- Thanks.
- But it's just as good.
Mr. Drysdale's arranging
for the woodchucks
to have a camporee and a
chuckarama with the bird-watchers.
Uncle Jed, are you
making fun of me?
No, Mr. Drysdale is down
by the cement pond right now
with the junior assistant
chief woodchuck hisself.
Miss Hathaway, meet
Woodchuck Stanley Kragleman.
- How do you do?
- [NASAL VOICE] Pleased to meet you.
My, what an impressive
array of awards.
I have all 94 achievement
awards offered by the woodchucks.
Being an old chuck myself,
Stanley has agreed to come out and
help me talk to Jethro about joining.
Excellent.
The Biddle Birdwatchers
always feel a kinship
with groups that venerate
the great out-of-doors.
Well, Woodchuck Kragleman,
I must return to my recruits.
I have them scouring the
underbrush for rock wren nests.
- Good hiking.
- Just a minute, Miss Hathaway.
I want you to plan a
little get-together today
for your bird-watchers and
the local woodchuck chapter.
I'm terribly sorry, chief,
but our rigorous training
schedule simply won't permit it.
Now, look, it's costing
me a new club house
to get the woodchucks
to cooperate.
Now, don't you
give me any trouble.
Excuse me. You're a
woodchuck, aren't you?
That's right.
I've never seen so many badges.
I have all 94 achievement
awards offered by the woodchucks.
Oh, my. You must be a
double-tooth woodchuck.
Triple.
Oh, girls, come on the double!
There's a triple-tooth
chuck up here!
Uncle Jed, I'm much
obliged for what you're doing,
but I don't wanna
be a woodchuck.
It sounds stupid,
dumb and silly and...
[EXCITED CHATTER]
Like I was saying, Uncle Jed,
the woodchucks sound
stupid, dumb and silly,
and where do I sign up?
Boy, no wonder
Athena went for you.
Why, you got more trimming
on you than a Christmas tree.
These are achievement
awards, Jethro.
Well, when I become a woodchuck,
I'm gonna have me twice that many.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
I'm gonna buy me enough
to cover me head to toe.
You can't buy these.
They have to be earned.
Now, this is the woodchuck
handbook. It tells all about them.
How many of those
things you got?
I have all 94 achievement
awards offered by the woodchucks.
- Woodchuck, ho!
- Woodchuck, ho!
- Woodchuck, ho!
- Hold on. You aren't a woodchuck yet.
Ah, but he soon will be.
They're having a special
initiation for you this afternoon.
Swell. I hope Athena'll
still be there by then.
I've already arranged for the
bird-watchers to attend your initiation,
including that certain someone.
Hot dog!
What someone?
Athena.
Oh, yeah.
I was just telling Jethro
about the achievement awards.
He might as well start on one
even though he's not initiated.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh, Jethro, you're
gonna love chucking.
I remember the good old days when I
was a junior assistant chief woodchuck.
- You?
- You'd better believe it, son.
Oh, I took my pack
on some great outings.
A hike through the
Federal Reserve Bank.
A campout in the vault
of the Savings and Loan.
Mr. Drysdale, my pack
doesn't do anything like that.
We learn first aid and
community service.
First aid? Community service?
What are they teaching
American youth?
Excuse me, Mr. Drysdale,
but I don't care,
just so long as I get
something shiny for my uniform.
First aid. Community service. The
woodchucks are going to the dogs.
Never mind, Jethro.
Now, which achievement award
would you like to try for first?
Well, let's see.
There's basketry,
cycling, lifesaving,
printing, rowing, surveying...
Yes, there's 94 of them. Now,
which one do you want to try first?
It doesn't matter, as long
as I get all 94 by tonight.
Jethro, it took me five years.
Well, don't feel so bad. Some
folks is slower than others.
Jed? Jed, where are you?
Oh, oh, Jed.
What you all excited
about, Granny?
Look what I found
out on the front porch.
- What are they?
- I don't know.
Oh, I see you've
found Elmer and Porky.
- Are these yours?
- Yes, I brought them to show Jethro.
Well, that's fine.
- What are they?
- Guinea pigs.
Yip, yip. Hello.
Pigs? Them is the smallest
pair of porkers I ever seen.
Just runts.
- Is they full growed?
- Oh, yes.
But it's taken two years of
careful feeding to get them this big.
Wonder what he feeds them pigs.
Whatever it is, they's getting
the skimpiest helpings in town.
And he's been at it
for two years. Pitiful.
Why, I could raise bigger
on peach pits and promises.
Hey, where's Stanley?
He said he was gonna give
me a couple of his guinea pigs
so I could get my first
achievement award.
Don't get your hopes up, boy.
Both his hogs together wouldn't
make a good-size pork chop.
Then I'll raise something else.
It says here it don't
have to be guinea pigs.
"To qualify for this award,
you can raise hamsters."
Hmm.
Hey, here's something I know
about. It says you can build a ant farm.
There you go, boy.
You're gonna have a full set
of teeth before you know it.
My ant farm's all
done. Wait till you see it.
I bet it's got ten thousand
ants in it, give or take a few.
Well, that's dandy, boy, but
what's the matter with your eyes?
You ever try picking
up ten thousand ants?
Very well, recruits,
you have now completed
phase one of your basic training.
However, before we continue on to
phase two, I have a special treat for you.
We are going to attend the
woodchuck initiation ceremony of Jethro.
Hurray!
I hope it will not be necessary
for me to remind any one of you
that this is a solemn occasion
and that we are
Biddle Birdwatchers.
Well, there's my ant
farm. Take a look.
There's the barn and the
farmhouse and the silo.
Wait a minute.
Something's missing.
What?
The ants.
Time for your
initiation, Jethro.
- What's that?
- That's my ant farm.
Jethro, an ant farm is supposed to
be put between two sheets of glass.
Between glass?
That's great if you don't
mind squashed ants.
I wonder if that's the way
he raised them two pigs.
Well, here I am for
Jethro's initiation.
This is my old woodchuck uniform.
Of course, it's just a little bit small.
Oh, here come the bird-watchers.
I'd better get ready for the ceremony.
- Howdy, Athena.
- Right over here, Jethro.
Let's get started.
It makes me real proud to see
the boy joining such a fine group.
I too am proud to know that he'll
soon be wearing the woodchuck uniform.
[SPLITTING MATERIAL]
- Miss Hathaway.
- What?
- Give me your hat.
- Why, chief?
Don't ask questions.
Give it to me.
And so as you prepare to enter
the hallowed halls of Chuckingdom,
remember that a woodchuck
is dependable, diligent,
observant, honest,
persevering, happy,
polite, courageous,
enthusiastic,
optimistic, learned,
gallant, informed,
just, literate,
reliable, respectful,
persuasive,
artful, cooperative,
industrious... Ants.
Ten thousand of 'em.
STANLEY: determined,
flexible, zealous,
sagacious, faithful,
honorable, modest,
neat, orderly,
philanthropic and sincere.
And now as I present you
with your own handbook,
I hereby appoint
you a woodchuck!
[SQUEALING]
Well, have fun, and watch
a lot of birds, young 'uns.
- Oh, we shall.
- And thanks for all your help, Stanley.
- Thank you, Mr. Clampett.
- And, Jethro, you be nice to Lolita.
Oh, I will. She helped me get my
one and only achievement award.
What for?
Lifesaving. I pulled her
out of the cement pond.
My hero!
♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin
♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality
♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality
♪ Hillbilly, that is
♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪
Y'all come back now, you hear?
ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.