♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed
♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed
♪ And then one day he
was sh**ting at some food
♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude
♪ Oil, that is
♪ Black gold Texas tea
♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire
♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"
♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"
♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly
♪ Hills, that is
♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Come and get it!
Jed, Jethro, Elly May!
In the kitchen!
What is it, Granny?
- What, Granny?
- What we having, Granny?
Spring tonic.
Now, line up and...
Ahhh! Get back
in here and line up.
You got to the count of three!
Three!
I oughta double-dose
you for that.
Granny, I'm feeling
frisky as a colt in clover.
I think I'll just pass up
getting tonic this year.
Stay right where you are.
Now, Elly, where's your monkey?
I wanna test my batch.
Yeah, Elly, get this
ape away from me.
Oh, Bessie's got a
crush on you, Jethro.
A crush? That's the
craziest thing I ever heard of.
Yeah, as purty as she is,
she could a lot better than you.
Just tell her to keep her
old monkey paws to herself.
Quiet. I wanna test my tonic.
Sure is working fast, Granny.
And I cut it with branch water.
I don't like the way
that ape's looking at me.
Why, she's in love, Jethro.
Bessie, that's just
Granny's tonic you're feeling.
You and me would never work out.
Forget it, Bessie. To start
with, I'm too tall for you!
- See if you can head her off out front.
- Yes, sir, Paw.
Granny, you say you
watered this down?
- Yeah, Jed.
- Well, water it again.
But it's such a
nice, strong batch.
That'll mean I'll have a
couple of gallons left over.
Granny, the way it sets, this
tonic is downright dangerous.
Oh, Jed.
Bessie, I'm losing
my patience with you!
I'll water it again.
Chief, it's almost time for your
luncheon date with Dr. Clyburn.
Oh, that's right.
Remind me to forget my
wallet so he'll have to pay.
Chief, you've pulled that
on him the last three times.
- It just isn't fair.
- All right, all right.
I'll take some money.
We can go Dutch treat.
Just put the tonic down, Jethro, till
Granny rounds up some employees.
Uncle Jed, I don't care if she
did have a crock-full left over,
I sure wouldn't have told her
to pass it out here at the bank.
- Don't worry about it, boy.
- But you seen what it done to Bessie.
Why, she's acting like
her and me's engaged.
I know. That's the reason I
switched crocks on Granny.
Huh?
Well, this looks
just like spring tonic.
That ain't nothing but
Granny's homemade root beer.
Hey, good thinking.
And I'm dry as a biscuit.
Jethro!
Quiet now. Quiet now.
Here's the first ones and
there's more on the way.
Now you wait here whilst
we go tell Mr. Drysdale.
Come on, Jed,
you bring the tonic.
Jethro, I was hoping we
could try some tonic together,
but Granny says there's a Bessie in your
life that won't let you go for a minute.
Bessie, heckfire, Bessie's
just a doggone mo...
Granny was right.
As far as Bessie's
concerned, we's engaged.
Now Mr. Clampett, Granny,
what can we do for you?
Well...
Say, that looks a little heavy,
let Ms. Hathaway carry it.
Set it right here, Jed.
You and your workers are in
for a real treat, Mr. Drysdale.
Wonderful. You've been
cooking again, Granny?
Oh, better than that.
Making medicine.
This here is my spring tonic.
- Oh, no, Granny, you shouldn't have...
- Now, you don't have to thank me.
You folks here at the bank are
our best friends in this here town.
All right, Jethro, run 'em in.
Mr. Clampett, you've
got to stop Granny.
The last time I took that
stuff, I ended up in the hospital.
Yeah, I remember.
You strained your back trying to
lug your wife across the threshold.
It's nothing to trifle
with, Mr. Clampett.
I shall never forget the
effect it had on me last spring.
One at a time. The
rest of you wait outside.
I know what Granny's
spring tonic does to city folks,
but you can stop worrying.
All she's handing
out there is root beer.
- Well, that won't fool anyone.
- It might.
You see, I'm counting on a
little wishful thinking from the girls
and a whole lot of
pride from Granny.
So you want to
be first, eh, honey?
Well, I... I heard what happened
to Ms. Hathaway last spring.
So, go, go, go!
- Gee, nothing's happening.
- It ain't?
I ain't never made
a bad batch of tonic.
Don't you even feel
a little light-headed?
- Well...
- Kinda giddy and happy-like?
- Well, now that you mention it...
- Of course you do.
Yore getting tingly all over
and you feel like dancing.
I guess so.
Oh, I think I'm feeling it.
Of course you are!
Kick up your
heels! Live a little!
Okay!
Wa-hoo! Ha-ha!
That's better! Next!
Now, hold it!
I tell you I have a luncheon
appointment with Mr. Drysdale.
I'm Dr. Roy Clyburn.
Yippee!
Hi, handsome.
Girls, wait until you
taste that groovy tonic.
Granny's a wizard.
Granny? That little hillbilly
is making medicine again?
Is she ever? It's got
the kick of a zombie.
Funny thing, though, it
tastes just like root beer.
Well... wa-hoo!
- Ah-ha!
- Roy!
- Dr. Clyburn!
- So, Granny, you're at it again.
You ought to wait
your turn, Roy.
But seeing that you’re a doctor,
I'll give you professional courtesy.
I've just been waiting for a chance
to catch you passing out that tonic.
Then you’re in luck.
- Open wide.
- What?
That's all I need!
Roy, Roy, let me explain.
Let me explain.
I have been trying to
stop that little witch doctor's
illegal practice in medicine
ever since she came here,
and I've finally got a
witness that can do it... me!
- But Roy, please...
- And let me tell you another reason
I'm so happy this happened...
because at lunch today,
when you forget your wallet, I
won't be there to pay the check.
Hi. How much tonic
did y'all pass out?
- Just two doses.
- One girl and Dr. Clyburn.
Then Ms. Jane said to come
back to pass the rest out later.
We wasn't thinking, Granny.
It would be hard for 'em to
tend to the banking business
with all of that high-powered
tonic sloshing around inside of 'em.
Elly, it's the best
batch I ever made.
Why Dr. Clyburn purt near
flew out that office after he took it.
Speaking of spring
tonic, where's Bessie?
Oh, she's out back waiting
for you to come home.
You mean that stuff
ain't wore off yet?
Take a look.
Elly May, tell her
I ain't interested.
Doggone!
Don't worry, Jethro,
she'll get over it.
But that'll take hours!
And them's my bananas.
Oh, here you are.
Oh, get out of my office,
Milburn, I'm through talking.
Granny is gonna face charges
for practicing and dispensing
medicine without a license.
But that tonic she was
passing out was root beer.
Good. That's another
charge... fraud.
Please, Roy, let's
talk about it over lunch.
My treat.
- Well...
- There's no need to go out.
I stopped on the way.
American cheese on white.
- That is my lunch?
- Well, half of it is.
- Out.
- You can have the pickle.
I have patients waiting.
Granny's intentions are good,
she's just a little unconventional.
Unconventional?
She makes Baron von
Frankenstein look like Dr. Spock.
You've always said that
the medical profession
is badly understaffed,
and she just wants to help.
Well, she's going
to, by staying out of it.
The two of us are going to
see to it that she does just that.
- Two of you?
- Myself and the judge.
Oh, no.
Before I let you put that sweet,
little old account behind bars,
I'll... I'll swallow
every pill in this jar.
Help yourself,
they're cotton balls.
Please, Roy, let Granny
come down and watch you,
see what modern medicine
is like, and when she does,
she'll know how far behind she
is, and quit of her own accord.
Absolutely not, Milburn.
All right, you
force me to do this.
What are we, four stories up?
Oh, this is gonna make
some very ugly headlines,
if you refuse me and they
find a body lying down there.
Milburn, now wait,
don't do anything foolish.
Don't jump.
Who's talking about jumping?
It's your body they're gonna find.
Roy, give it a chance.
Let Granny come down
and observe. I'm begging you.
Oh, stop. If you're that
desperate I'll think about it.
Thank you. Bless you.
How can I ever show my
gratitude, my appreciation?
Say, what about taking
my half of the sandwich.
Paw, guess who called
Granny whilst you was gone.
- Dr. Clyburn.
- Uh-oh.
Probably complaining about
Granny dosing folks down to the bank.
No. He wants her to come down to his
office this afternoon and talk medicine.
That don't sound right.
Dr. Clyburn ain't exactly hair-tearing
fond of Granny's doctoring.
Or Granny.
She says the spring tonic
she gave him a-working.
Well, I got to go and get
Granny's doctoring bag.
It sure can't be the
tonic she give him.
Unless he's just out of
his mind about root beer.
Maybe it's like he said, he just
wants to talk medicine with her.
Well, if he does,
Granny's dressed for it.
Or is she?
Granny, what you all got up for?
Dr. Clyburn called.
Wants me to come down to his
office to talk medicine with him.
Yeah, Elly told us, but how
come the flowers and ribbons?
Jed, just 'cause I'm a physician
don't mean I can
forget I am a woman.
Which one you trying to be now?
Hush up!
Granny, here's
your doctoring bag.
I put in the vanilla
extract like you said.
Mm, perfume, too.
It ain't perfume, it's for... for
making remedies to show Dr. Clyburn.
Is that what this roast chicken
and homemade pumpkin pie's for?
Never mind. You and
Elly go get the truck
and take me down to his office.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am.
Granny, if I didn't know better,
I'd swear you had your
cap set for Dr. Clyburn.
Hogwash. This is nothing
but a professional visit.
Now stop it, and tell
me why you’re doing this.
You never gave two
hoots for Dr. Clyburn before.
Well, he never
give a hoot for me.
But now that he's calling me up and
asking me down to his office and all,
well, maybe we finally got
something to hoot about.
He sure has done a turn-around.
Heh. That was an awful good
batch of spring tonic he got a dose of.
Believe me, Granny, that tonic
he took has nothing to do with it.
You're sweet.
Chief, what happened
with Dr. Clyburn?
Everything is settled.
He's not pressing charges.
- Oh, are the Clampetts still inside?
- No, I got them to go home for a while.
But how did you manage
to pacify Dr. Clyburn?
Ms. Hathaway, I
didn't pacify him.
Men like that
understand only one thing:
Raw power. Brute
force. It's dog eat dog.
You've got to be a tiger.
Show 'em who's boss.
You know how I handled him?
You got down on your
knees and begged like a baby.
You bet your life I did.
- Chief!
- But it worked!
Now, Clyburn usually
takes this afternoon off,
but he's giving up a golf game
just to show Granny around the office
and convince her that she's
no match for modern medicine.
But what if he
can't convince her?
Then he's going to press
charges. You know what that means.
- Somebody's going to jail.
- Yes.
Oh, well... we'll
write you every day.
I probably should have had
you down here long before this.
I just hope it isn't too late.
Oh, it's never too
late, Dr. Clyburn.
Can I call you Roy?
- Roy will be fine.
- Dandy.
Then you don't have
to call me Dr. Granny.
Just call me Granny.
Er, uh... Daisy.
Granny will be fine.
You know, I kinda thought that
my tonic had something to do
with you asking me here today,
but Jed said he didn't think so.
Well, Jed was wrong.
I've restrained
myself for a long time,
but after you tonicked me this
morning, I knew I had to do something.
It always was a
great, little ice-breaker.
- I beg your pardon.
- Oh, nothing, nothing.
What's in there?
Oh, well, come
on in, I'll show you.
This is where I see
most of my patients.
Uh-huh.
What's that music?
Oh, that's background,
for relaxing.
Well, first let's get to
know one another better
and then we can dance.
What's that smell?
It's like vanilla.
It's vanilla extract.
I even got it behind my ears.
Oh. Well, would
you like to wash up?
Ain't you the kidder.
Well, I'm glad to see you ain't against
taking a little nip now and then, Roy.
I couldn't drink that stuff.
Why that'll... that'll
make you blind.
Well, I grant you, you've got to
know when you've had enough.
- Let's get down to business.
- All right.
With the equipment and
instruments I keep in this office,
I can perform many
types of minor operations.
All right, then, let's see you
start carving this chicken.
And after we've eaten,
we'll see about that dance.
Come on and drink
some more catnip tea now.
It'll work against the tonic.
- Elly, have you heard from Granny?
- Well, no, sir, Paw.
I been keeping Bessie company.
- She's still pining for Jethro.
- That's too bad.
Yeah, and the
worst part is, well,
he's been treating her
just like... like a animal.
Yeah, well, Elly,
Bessie is a animal.
And she better start
forgetting about Jethro.
Sorry, Bessie.
Hello?
Granny, how you
doing down there?
You got to pick me up here at
Dr. Clyburn's office right away.
He ain't made no improper
advances to you, has he?
He ain't even made a proper one.
I thought at first my
tonic wasn't working.
The trouble is he's too
worried to think of romance.
- Worried about what?
- He's failing in his profession.
In the two hours I been
her, he ain't had one patient.
No. And all that time, he's
been trying his heart out
to convince me
he's a good doctor.
How?
Well, telling me how good trained
he is, and how modern doctors
need all this fancy
equipment like he's got, and...
He's coming now. I
got to hang up now.
Here we are, Granny.
Won't you even have a
little piece of pie, Roy?
No, thank you. Now, this
is an electro-cardiograph.
You can't do a really complete
physical examination without one.
Oh, that's nice, Roy.
I'll bet you could give a
dandy examination with that.
If you ever had a patient.
This cost 1,300 dollars.
And what you've seen is only a sample
of the modern equipment I have here.
I ain't never seen
so much stuff.
Too bad there ain't nobody
around to try it out on.
Excuse me.
Yes?
Who?
Oh, now didn't you tell her
that this was my afternoon...
All right, have
her go into room B.
I'm sorry, Granny, I didn't
expect this, but I have a patient.
Oh, praise be!
Don't get excited.
She's very influential in society,
but the worst kind of a hypochondriac.
Come along while
I get her X-rays.
- Doctor.
- Go right in, Mrs. De Longpre.
I'm Dr. Granny.
I'm helping Dr. Clyburn.
Good. Perhaps you
can do something for me.
He doesn't seem to take a
proper interest in my case.
And I think I know why.
Before you come in he described you
as the worst kind of a hypochondriac.
- Well!
- Relax. I'm gonna help you.
In my practice of medicine, it
don't matter what religion you are.
I beg your pardon.
Now... what's your complaint?
Well, it's rather general.
I'm a little short of
breath, I can't sleep...
Stop right there.
I can tell the rest
by looking at you.
- First off, that corset's too tight.
- What?
Get rid of it. Let
the blood percolate.
And them shoes are too
small. Try some practical ones.
And them hands.
How long has it been since them
hands done any work around the house?
I have eight servants.
I don't need to work.
Yes, you do, and
the sooner the better.
Now, you go on.
Try scrubbing a floor, washing the
walls, and you'll sleep, believe me.
- Now, go on.
- Oh!
And don't ride. Take them
shoes off and walk home.
Go on. And cut the
stays in that corset.
Mrs. De Longpre
just left here in a rage.
You were supposed to be with
me. What did you say to her?
Nothing. Just that her corset and
her shoes were a little too snug.
- She was mad, huh?
- Mad?
She said that she'd personally
see that I lost every patient I had.
Well, look on the bright side,
Roy, you ain't got too many to lose.
Granny, you'd better leave.
I think I'm getting a little faint.
You must be hungry.
Have some chicken.
And maybe you'd better
have a piece of pie, too.
Then he sort of let out a
yell and smashed my pie.
Well, you did lose
his last patient for him.
Yeah. Plus, it must be awful seeing
something you put so much into...
your whole livelihood
going down the drain.
He has had a awful
run of bad luck lately.
Yeah.
And then, too, this ain't exactly
the hand of a natural born healer.
That's probably why he had you to
come down there, to give him help.
I bet he didn't care nothing
about romancing you.
Who asked you?
Anyway, we got
to help Dr. Clyburn.
We got to figure out a way
to get him some patients.
Jethro, you thought
of anything yet?
It's just a matter
of time, Uncle Jed.
I got my giant brain and six grades
worth of education working on it.
Yeah, well...
In the meantime, I think
I know a way Dr. Clyburn
can get the jump on them
other Beverly Hills doctors.
- Well, how, Paw?
- By doing something
none of the rest of 'em have
thought of yet... advertising.
- Yeah.
- That's a good idea, Jed.
What is it Roy? What
was that message
about coming right
over? Some emergency?
Granny called to have me
watching television at this hour.
Said she had a surprise for me.
Uh-oh, that sounds
bad. What is it?
I don't know. I'm almost
out of tranquilizers.
Here's Granny.
All right, is it
working? Are we on?
Howdy, there.
This is Dr. Granny,
telling you there's one
other first class physician
in Beverly Hills,
Dr. Roy Clyburn.
The healer with a heart.
I want to show you a
typical Clyburn cure.
Here's a man before
seeing Dr. Roy Clyburn,
tired, run down, feeling poorly.
Now, here is the same
man after seeing Dr. Clyburn.
Vigor restored, full of the
dickens, a satisfied customer.
Now, I want you to all go down
to the Beverly-Crestview
Medical Building
and give this man your business.
He's really up against it.
And here's a special offer,
to the first 50 folks, a
dose of my own spring tonic.
All right, turn it off.
- How's that, Jed?
- Great, Granny.
If that don't get poor old Roy
some patients, nothing will.
I said turn it off!
It ain't, huh?
Well, thanks for
having us over, Roy.
The only way you will leave
this room is through that window.
But you're on the medical board.
- They know you wouldn't advertise.
- Who cares about them?
I'll never have another
patient once this gets around.
- Roy, I'll use you.
- Milburn, you'll need me.
Where's Dr. Granny?
Dr. Granny has retired.
- Permanently!
- Oh, I wanted to thank her.
I decided to take her orders,
and after I'd walked home
and scrubbed some floors,
I took a nap and
slept like a baby.
I've liberated myself
from top to bottom.
No more girdle. And
look at my new shoes.
Well, I must be getting
back to the charity bazaar.
Everybody in
Beverly Hills is there.
Everybody?
Then they didn't
see the commercial.
I'm telling them all about
Granny's firm approach to medicine.
I hope you are going
to keep up her fine work.
You bet I am. And the
next time you come here,
I want to see five
pounds off those hips.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
It's a nice feeling to help
somebody out, ain't it, family?
- It is.
- Yeah.
I feel so good I'm gonna
up and take Bessie for a ride.
Well, she may not want to go,
Jethro. She's over that spring tonic.
Tonic or no, I ain't gonna
be turned down by no ape.
Come on, Bessie,
I'll take you for a ride.
Looks like Bessie has finally
gotten over her crush on Jethro.
Yeah. But now what are
you gonna do about him?
♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin
♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality
♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality
♪ Hillbilly, that is
♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪
Y'all come back now, you hear?