Alrighty, boys, eat up all your oatmeal.
And you see those lumps in there?
They got extra energy for
your first day at preschool.
[BLOWS]
Jess, this is so hard.
Our boys are leaving us...
and going out into
the cold, cruel world.
I'll take care of her.
Uh, honey, it's not that cruel out there.
Look at this. Look at this schedule, okay?
"Cartoons, snack,
finger-painting...
snack, nap time, snack."
That's my schedule.
And I'm late for The Flintstones.
Yabba-dabba-do. Heh-heh.
BECKY: Oh, honey, look at this.
Two little lunch boxes
with two little handles...
that they'll hold as they
walk out of our lives.
Jess, they're not ready for
preschool, they're just little boys.
Oh, honey, they're
not boys, they're men.
They're Katsopolis men.
They're strong, they're tough.
Boys, show mommy your muscles.
I know preschool's
important for the boys...
but I'm not ready to let go.
The point is, I'll take
the boys to school...
you go to work and
everything will be fine, okay?
- I'll be strong for the both of us.
- Okay, honey. You're a rock.
All right, Ren, Stimpy,
here are your lunch boxes...
and let's go to school. Here.
Go say goodbye to mommy.
- Bye-bye, Mommy.
- Oh.
See you later, alligator.
In a while, crocodile.
Come on, boys you're gonna get tears
all over your new school clothes. Let's go.
- Bye. BECKY: Bye, have fun.
[BLOWS]
Holy foghorn, Batman.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I just miss Ren and Stimpy.
Oh, don't worry, Becky,
Joey has them all on tape.
- Where's Steph? She's gonna be late.
- She's still putting on make-up.
Dad, when do I get to wear make-up?
I'm in the third grade, you know.
You don't need make up.
You're naturally beautiful.
So you're saying Steph
and Deej are bow-wows?
No, honey, they're
not bow... Wow.
- Steph, what are you wearing?
- Clothes.
Let me rephrase that, what
are you not wearing? Ehh!
Danny for 100. What
is a long enough shirt?
Dad, please don't embarrass me.
Gia's gonna be hear any minute.
Gia? Honey, I'm starting to wonder if she's
having too much of an influence on you.
Dad, don't worry, she's
not. I am my own person.
Hey, Steph.
STEPH: Hey, Gia.
Looks like you're
her person too.
Hi, little Michelle.
Are you ready for your
first day at third grade?
Are you ready for your
third year of seventh grade?
[CAR HORN HONKING]
That's my ride.
Whoa, Steph. Hey, next
time you borrow my makeup...
just use a day's worth.
It's a long day.
D.J.'s right. You ought to go
upstairs and chip some of that off.
- Dad, that's not fair, it's my face.
- And I want to see more of it.
And less of your bellybutton.
Fine. Come on, let's go.
Deej, let's go. Time's
a-wasting, senior year's waiting.
Kimmy, we have
time, what's the rush?
What's the rush? I gotta
get a date for the senior prom.
Kimmy, prom's nine months away.
Nine? I thought it was 10.
Oh, this is getting grim.
Come on, let's move.
D.J.: Bye.
- Bye.
What a waste. I only got to
look cool for, like, 12 seconds.
Just leave the mascara. Eyes
are the first thing a guy notices.
- Really?
- Well, for now.
Ah, that's much better.
There's my little angel-face.
I'm ruined.
I don't mean to be a nag
but I remember telling you...
- to clean up your room yesterday.
- Dad, I'll do it later.
Well, you said that before and that
would make later now, wouldn't it?
You're gonna have a much
better day at school knowing...
that your room is neat
and tidy. I know I used to.
Bye.
It's your room. Why does
your dad care if it's clean?
My dad cares if
your room is clean.
But you're right. I like it like
this. I'll clean it when I want to.
Let's go.
Perfect.
All right, boys,
this is it. Preschool.
Hi, the Katsopolis men are here.
That's Nicky on the right
leg, Alex on the left leg.
They're a little nervous.
Well, hi, I'm Miss Suzie
and you know what?
There is nothing to
be nervous about...
because we're gonna
have a lot of fun today.
Miss Suzie, let me handle this.
I'm their father.
All right, boys, now listen.
Now, I know we've been together every
single day since you guys were born.
And I know it's gonna be very
tough for you guys to leave me.
But you gotta be strong, okay?
Now, you give your
daddy a big kiss goodbye.
Train.
Puzzle.
Boys? Oh, I get it.
That's right. Katsopolis
men, they don't kiss goodbye.
That's right, yeah,
okay. Well, that's fine.
How about just a little one
on the cheek or something?
Just a tiny little
kiss on the cheek?
No, okay. Good. That's
fine. That's all right.
I'm just your father.
I'm only the guy who
raised you. Ignore me.
I think Nicky and Alex
are gonna do just fine.
Yeah. You know, I better just
stay here a while and watch.
I'll stay out of everyone's
way. I'll be fine right here.
Mr. Katsopolis, I understand
that it's hard for some parents...
to let go of their
children the first time.
Yeah, I bet some parents
really get wacko about it, huh?
Is this clay nontoxic?
You know, this is the time
when our parents usually go.
Go?
Oh, go. I thought you meant
"wee-wee" go. I didn't know.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay,
well, I'm going. I'm going.
I'm almost gone. I'm gone.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Shh.
- Shh.
- Good boy.
- Stranger!
Ow, ow!
- Stranger! JESSE: No,
no, I'm not a stranger.
I'm a friend, I'm a friend.
Mr. Katsopolis.
Miss Suzie.
I was just leaving and... How
did this table get on my back?
Mr. Katsopolis, believe me, I have
been doing this a very long time.
- I'm sure you have.
- Nicky and Alex are doing just fine.
And they really don't
need you right now.
They don't need me?
They don't need their dad?
Did you see that? That
ankle biter just stole...
- that puzzle from my sweet little Alex.
- Alex really doesn't seem to mind.
Oh, sure, on the outside he's
having fun playing and stuff.
But inside the kid's
crying like a little baby.
And just think of the effect it must
be having on his poor little brother.
Choo choo!
That was a cry for help.
Listen, I think their mother was
right. I just don't think they're ready.
Come on, boys. It's
time to say bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Daddy.
- No, no, not to me, huh?
Now, listen, guys,
we're going over the wall.
School over, Daddy?
Well, it is for you guys.
Come on, hop on. Hop on.
That's good. Here we go.
Say goodbye to Miss Suzie.
- Bye-bye, Miss Suzie.
- Bye, Miss Suzie.
- Bye.
- There you go. Come on.
Oh, Jess, I am so sorry.
- What'd you do?
- I flipped out this morning...
and I have been thinking
and you were right.
Nicky and Alex are ready for
preschool and I have to accept that.
Honey, thank you
for being so strong.
Well, gosh knows I was strong...
but, you know, honey,
I think you were right.
Oh, no. What happened?
How was their first day?
Just like them. Short.
They got there, honey, and quite
frankly they just weren't ready.
Oh, Jess, I was afraid
that this would happen.
Yeah, well, hey, we
gave it a sh*t, you know?
But listen, we'll try in a
couple of years, okay?
Maybe when they're a little more
mature, they're a little more grown...
- their sideburns fill in.
- A couple years?
What are we gonna do?
They'll fall behind the other kids.
In what, Play-Doh comprehension?
Honey, I got this whole
thing figured out, okay?
Joey and I, we do the radio
show but not until late afternoon.
I'm gonna teach the kids everything they
need to learn right here in this house.
Jess.
You are not exactly
Mister Rogers.
What's to know? You teach
the kids a couple vowels...
and then you teach them all
the other letters that aren't vowels.
And then you put a puppet
on and that's it, it's fine.
Honey, don't you think the kids should
interact with other kids on their level?
That's where Joey comes in.
What a dump.
- Didn't dad tell you to clean up?
- Yes, he did.
He has to understand that I'm old
enough to keep this room the way I want.
You'll have to understand...
that you're not gonna be able to
watch TV for the rest of your life.
Oh, little Michelle, this might
be just a bit over your head.
When you're old,
you'll understand.
And when you're
older, you still won't.
Let me handle this.
All our lives, we've lived under dad's
rules. What do we have to show for it?
Nice house.
Good food. A buck a week.
Don't rock the boat.
Michelle.
Howdy, roomie.
That's a funny thing for
someone to say before they leave.
I'm not leaving.
Steph is a total slob.
So I decided to move in
with you, the good sister.
Oh, Stephanie's not bad,
she's just becoming a teenager.
It's a rough time.
I went through it, you're
gonna go through it.
And take it from me, the
best place to go through it...
- is in your own room.
- How about I go through it in your room?
Michelle, I love you, so
I'm not gonna kick you out.
Dad.
Does dad have to
get involved in this?
- Michelle, you're not moving in here.
- Yes, I am.
No, you're not. You
have to go back there.
- No.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, who was ever wrong last time,
you're right this time, let's have dinner.
You're always taking her side.
Michelle thinks that just because
Steph has turned into Miss Pig Pen...
she can move in with me.
Her room is still dirty? I
distinctly told her to clean it up.
Well, maybe you need
to tell her more distincter.
Dad, just go in there and
yell at her. Lay down the law.
That always worked with me.
You know, Deej, over the years,
I have come a long way as a dad.
I have learned there are many
other techniques besides yelling.
Sometimes a little subtle
psychology can go a long way.
Let's watch.
What's subtle psychology?
DANNY: Look at this
room, you call this clean?
Not that.
Look at this mess. It looks
like your closet threw up.
- But, Dad...
- No "But, Dad's."
If this room isn't to Tanner standards,
you're grounded for two weeks.
Bigfoot will be seen more
around this neighborhood than you.
- Have I made myself clear?
- Loud and clear.
And D.J., I don't want
you to see Kimmy anymore.
- What?
- Sorry, I was on a roll.
I thought I'd give it a sh*t.
Dad, what happened
to subtle psychology?
Oh, see, that was
subtle psychology.
You don't wanna see
me when I get mad.
Man, he sounded
just like my mom.
Last night, she made
me do the dishes.
It's not like we were
out of clean ones.
Yeah, well, I better get busy.
Well, I think it's pretty cool you
got away with it as long as you did.
- I guess.
- Well, see you later.
Yeah, see you.
This room is not that gross.
Eh...
Maybe it is.
All right, kids, the Katsopolis Institute
of Lower Learning is now in session.
Now, what better place to
start than the beginning, right?
Here we go, guys,
what letter is this?
- A.
- A.
Yes, good boys. See, my
boys don't need preschool.
Okay, very good, very good.
Now, let's talk about some words
that start with the letter A, shall we?
All right, there we go.
What's that? A is for:
Rock.
No, well, heck of
a try. Alex, A is for:
Balloon.
Uh, no, no. Good try,
though, son. Good try.
Help them out.
I gotta go with
Nicky and the rock.
It starts with an A.
Okay, a rock.
And you are a idiot.
Now, come on. You're
supposed to help me here.
Now, sit down.
All right, we're done with the alphabet.
Now we're gonna move on to counting.
I can help you out there, Jess.
Okay, boys, let's count candy.
All right, okay. Ready?
One, two, three, four.
Okay, now you guys count.
I like counting.
Let's count cookies.
No, we're not gonna count
cookies here. We're here to learn.
- We want cookies, we want cookies.
- We want cookies, we want cookies.
I'm losing control here.
Here. Here. Here we
go. Look at this guys, look.
Hi. Look at him,
look at him. Hi, guys.
I'm Hot Daddy Puppet Monkey Boy.
And I'm here to tell you that we're
gonna do something that's so much fun...
you won't even think of cookies.
- Jump on the bed.
- Jump on the bed.
No. No, boys. No. No.
Hot Daddy Monkey Puppet Boy
says don't jump on the bed. Don't.
What am I gonna do?
Joey.
You know what my best
subject was in preschool?
- Mm-mm.
- Nap time.
You know, you actually
may have something here.
A nap is a good idea. You know, it's
good. We'll set them down, calm them down.
We'll regroup and then
start teaching them again.
- Good thinking, Lincoln.
- Very good. Nap time, boys.
- No nap, no nap, no nap.
- No nap, no nap, no nap.
Yes, nap. Yes, nap.
Yes, nap. Come on.
Come on.
Now you watch your Uncle
Joey and I take a nap, okay?
Now watch how fun this will be.
Come here, come here. Now, listen.
Very good. Lay down. Relax. Now,
close your eyes. Close your eyes.
Good boys. Now, think of
something really happy, okay?
Close your eyes. Relax.
Just think of nice thoughts.
[SNORING]
Good job, brother.
Thank you, brother.
Guys. What are you doing?
Shh. We're playing a trick.
Hey, can your old mom play?
- Ow! Ow.
- Ah! Ow.
Hi, guys.
- Beck, you're home.
- How's school going?
Terrific. Good. Really good. We're
just doing a little art appreciation.
Oh, look down. I think
you'll appreciate it.
Beck, it's not how it looks.
Oh, so the boys
weren't painting your feet
while you two fine
educators were out cold?
All right, it is how
it looks, isn't it?
See, if they paint up to the ankle
line, I could save big bucks on socks.
- Out.
- Class dismissed.
Beck, this whole
thing was a disaster.
I'm not qualified to
teach preschool...
and Joey's barely
qualified to attend.
Aw, honey, it's too bad the
boys didn't like preschool.
- Well...
- We like preschool.
- Really?
- Miss Suzie's nice.
Jess, uh, it sounds to
me like they like preschool.
Well, sure yes, they say so now. But
you should've seen their little faces...
in the corner of that
classroom, all the...
- Were they crying?
- Well, they weren't crying...
in a waterworks way, crying.
I mean, it was more
of a dry cry, really.
Were they angry?
Well, no, they
weren't angry per se.
What were they, uh, per se?
Well, per se...
they were laughing and playing.
Sounds like you got them
out of there just in time.
You weren't the only
one to lose it, I lost it too.
I was fine, we're grooving in the
car, the kids are shaking their hair.
All of a sudden, I get to the
classroom, I ask for a kiss, I pucker up...
boom, they stiff me,
I'm left mid-pucker.
Aw, honey, they didn't
even kiss you goodbye?
No. It's like they
didn't even need me.
And all that time we spent, you
know, rocking them to sleep...
feeding them and wiping their
little faces and their little noses...
and all those other
wipe-able areas.
It's like none of that
mattered, you know?
I just wanted to hold on.
I just wanted to hold on
for one more second...
and they didn't
even turn around.
Jess, maybe it's good
that they didn't look back.
I mean, maybe it means that we
have given them the confidence...
to go out and face
the world without us.
The world?
Beck, up until this preschool
thing, we were their world.
Honey, if we're acting like this
now, what are we gonna be like...
when, you know, they get their
license or they go to college?
- Get married, have their own kids?
- You're right, honey.
You know, suddenly, this
preschool thing doesn't sound so bad.
I know it's hard to let go...
but we gotta do it sometime,
might as well be now.
I'd hate to walk into college with
two freshmen clinging to my legs.
Nicky, Alex, tomorrow you
guys are going back to preschool.
- Yay.
- Yay.
But first we want our kisses.
So get over here, pucker up...
and give us a kiss goodbye.
Come here, give me a kiss.
Well, Jess, this is it.
The moment of truth.
- Can you let go?
- I can let go.
- Jess, let go.
- Oh, right, yeah.
Bye-bye, boys.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.