08x14 - Super Bowl Fun Day

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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08x14 - Super Bowl Fun Day

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay, boys, now, we have a
bear, a camel and an elephant.

What other animals
did we see at the zoo?

We saw hot dogs.

Nicky, I was thinking more of
animals we didn't put mustard on.

- What are you guys doing in here?
- We live here, remember?

I'm babysitting Nicky
and Alex today...

and we're making a
collage of zoo animals.

Miraculously, some have
actually made it on to the paper.

Let's get this place cleaned up.

The woman from the
scholarship foundation...

is coming over to interview me.

This could help pay for my college
so you and the zoo crew, skidoo.

Boy, for scholarships for
Cranky State, she's a lock.

Maybe she needs a nap.

Hey, Boo Boo. Ha-ha.
Clear the track, Joey's back.

Yes, Super Bowl Sunday,
my favorite day of the year.

[TV TURNS ON]

Just an hour until kickoff time.

I've only missed six hours of
the pregame show. Ha-ha-ha.

Joey, turn the TV off.

You know something, Deej?

I just got off the road
playing comedy clubs...

and that is the funniest thing
I've heard all week. Ha-ha.

What I mean is, can't you watch
the Super Bowl in your room?

I'm using the living
room for my interview.

You're not gonna watch the Super
Bowl? Your dad and Aunt Becky...

have their first sh*t on national
TV doing the behind-the-scenes.

I know, Uncle Jesse's taping it for
me so I can watch it later. Joey, please?

Oh, brother.

[TV TURNS OFF]

You know, it's a good thing I put
new batteries in my Bullwinkle TV. Ha.

You get great reception
on those antlers.

[IN GOOFY VOICE] Thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, hors d'oeuvres.

Glad you're back. Kids are
gonna be here any minute.

I'm not watching the
Super Bowl with kids.

That Bullwinkle TV's
only so big, Jess.

You promised to take my
science club on a field trip today.

I did?

Yeah, we both did.
Months ago, remember?

Oh, Jess.

I didn't realize we were supposed
to take them on Super Bowl Sunday.

I'm taping it.

We can fast-forward
through all the boring junk...

and just watch Becky and Danny.

Boring junk? You mean the game?

Mm-hm.

Jess, no way, I can't
watch sports on tape.

It's like how you can't
watch Viva Las Vegas...

unless you're eating a deep-fried
peanut butter and banana sandwich.

- I see your point there.
- Yeah.

- Come on, guys, you promised.
- She's right, we did promise.

Drop the remote, zip up your coat,
we're going to the museum. Come on.

Jess, wait, please? Can't you
just take the kids by yourself?

[DOOR OPENS]

[ALL YELLING]

Right, yeah, these knee-nibbling,
ankle-biting rug rats by myself?

I think not. Stop
touching the merchandise.

You guys are late.

Like it's our fault Derek's
mom won't get the minivan...

over the stupid speed limit.

Mother's driving record is blemish-free
and she intends to keep it that way...

thank you very much.

I heard the museum has a
new super-powerful telescope.

If it's anything like
my dad's telescope...

all you can see is a
bunch of stewardesses...

lying around a swimming pool.

On that disturbing insight
into your home life, Aaron...

I think it's time to hit
the road, come on.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

I can't believe nobody
wants to watch...

the most important
football game of the year.

Joey, don't try to
weasel out of this.

Yeah, this is a no-weasel zone.

We promised these kids science and
fun and that's what we're gonna deliver.

I mean, look at these
innocent faces. See them?

JESSE: Well, most of them.

Well, what if there was a way
where the kids could learn science...

and I could have fun?

So you see, kids, this
place is filled with science.

[GAME PLAYING ON TV]

It's just like a museum.

No, it's not.

It's "Weeb's Sports Grill, a
pleasant alternative to your wife."

Let's blow this pop stand.

KIDS: Yeah!

We said we'd give him
the benefit of the doubt...

that's exactly what we're gonna
do. Where's the science, Mr. Wizard?

Why, it's right
under your noses.

Take this pool table for
example, Newton's law of billiards.

You see, the amount of force upon
impact has a direct relationship...

to the distance an
object will travel.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And that, my
friends, is science.

[BALL ROLLING]

That, my friend, is a scratch.

You know what? You
suckered us long enough.

You, me, the kids, we're
all going to the museum.

[KIDS CHEER]

Wait a sec, Jess, come on. The
game's gonna start any minute.

Can't you just watch
the kids for three hours?

Joey, give it up, man.
They don't wanna be here.

All right, kids, do you wanna play
free games for the next three hours?

[ALL CHEER]

- See? They wanna be here.
- Okay, I don't wanna be here.

Jess, come on, please? I'll never
ask for another favor again. I promise.

I'll never have to tape
Muppet Babies for you again?

- Never.
- When you have a bad dream at night...?

From now on, I'll holler
out Danny's name.

Come on, Jess, please? Please?

- I will get more sleep.
- Great.

All right, kids, you
wanna play some games?

KIDS: Yeah!
- Let's go.

Hey, Weeb, give me
40 bucks in quarters.

[REGISTER RINGING]

Jess, can I have 40 bucks?

- All right.
- Ah. Change for 40.

Great, now, you watch
the kids, I'll watch the game.

[KIDS CLAMORING]

- All right.
- You are the king. Heh-heh.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, check out the babe
on the pregame show.

[INTRO THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

- I'm Danny Tanner.
- I'm Rebecca Donaldson.

Hey, that's no
babe, that's my wife.

We're here on special
assignment at the Super Bowl.

When there's a
break in the action...

and you don't have to
go to the bathroom, heh...

we're gonna take you on a
journey behind the scenes.

That's right, Danny.

Behind this door is
the control room...

for Joe Robbie Stadium's
state of the art scoreboard.

That's right, Becky, and
we're gonna go inside...

and give you an
exclusive peek...

at what makes this
computerized marvel tick.

[SIGHS]

Who would've thought a sophisticated
piece of machinery could be run...

by a simple mop?

That doesn't seem to be
the correct door, now does it?

No, it doesn't, Becky.

I believe the correct door
would be down that corridor...

where I suggested we
go to in the first place.

Danny, I have a suggestion
where you can go but first...

let's go back to
Al, Dan, and Frank.

Aw.

Terrific job, Beck. You see, when
she smiles, she lights up a whole...

Where are all the sweaty
football...? Bring on the football guys.

The guys that throw the thing.

Yes, what?

Uncle Jesse, this whole
trip is totally bogus.

I know, but Joey's obsessed
with this football stuff.

You think I wanna be here with a
bunch of loudmouthed, pea-brain...

know-it-all jocks who could...

Who could take this pool cue
and turn me into a Jess kabob.

Michelle, run along, you
don't wanna be privy to this.

Michelle, what is the
probability of our science club...

actually doing something
science related?

Yeah, let's do
something scientific.

Besides, we're out of quarters.

Let's ask your
Uncle Slick for more.

Now might not be a good time.

Gentlemen?

I hate to bother you but I seem to
be losing all feeling below my hairline.

Good, that's better,
thanks. Good, yeah, thanks.

Hey, Joey? Remind
me to k*ll you later.

- Yeah, k*ll me later. Great, Jess, sure.
- Idiot.

Hey, there's nobody
watching this TV.

Let's turn it to the
science channel.

It's 27. I memorized
the entire cable lineup.

Oh, here's the remote.

Here we go, it's kickoff time.

ANNOUNCER: Kicked
high, taken into the wind...

and it will be taken
at the goal line...

WOMAN: anything in nature
more fascinating than the mating...

[MEN COMPLAINING]

- Hey. Who turned the channel?
- Yeah, who turned the channel?

I wanna thank them. Thank you.

It's those kids.

That's interesting. This remote
seems to control all the TVs.

- Get that remote. MAN: Yeah.

- No, thanks.
- I pass.

Come and get it, fun boys.

[CLAMORING]

JOEY: All right, just
get back, get back.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY,
BLOWS RASPBERRY]

All right, okay. No harm done.
I'll get the remote, it's just a little...

kickoff mischief, that's
all. Jess, help me, okay?

- Wah!
- Aah! Sorry, Weebs, sorry.

You had a piece of lint
on one of your neck rolls.

I got it. I got it.
It's fine. I got it.

Just help me get it
behind here, all right?

All right. Well,
there it is, there it is.

[ALL GASPING, YELLING]

Aw, man.

I... I think I'm gonna ask them to k*ll
you first, that way I'll be able to watch.

On the plus side,
I found the remote.

[MEN GROWLING, REMOTE CLICKING]

This thing needs batteries
or something. Here, you try it.

[ANGRY CHATTER]

Super Bowl Sunday, my
biggest day of the year.

[CRYING] And you
guys wrecked the TVs.

I'm ruined.

[SOBBING]

Weeb, Weeb, Weeb.
Weebie, Weebie, Weebulah.

Weeb, Weeb, Weeb, please,
Weeb. It's okay, Weebie.

- It's just a silly
game. MEN: Ooh.

Silly game?

I broke 11 bones
playing that silly game.

- Wow. Was it painful?
- I don't know.

They weren't mine.

They weren't yours.
They weren't yours.

No. I wish I had more insurance.

[BONES CRACKING]

Hey, since you guys
can't watch the game...

maybe you'd like to come to
the science museum with us.

That's a real good
idea, sweetheart.

Then we can stuff and
mount these clowns.

- No stuffing. No stuffing.
- No mounting, please.

All right, I have an idea.

- You do? He does. He's got an idea.
- Yes, I do.

[PANTING] Deej, hi.

- How'd your interview go?
- I don't know. I haven't had it.

The woman called,
she's gonna be late.

Ooh. Late. Late is bad.

Turn on the tube.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

- Watercress sandwiches just like Mom's.
- Hey, hey, those are not for you.

Deej, don't disturb them
while they're feeding.

Joey, who are these people?

They're here because
they wanna see the game...

and I wanna see
the rest of my life.

- Some field trip.
- What are you guys doing back so soon?

Ask her. She promised
us the museum...

but all we've seen is
a lot of wet bar change.

Like this is my
idea of a fun day.

I believe the blame rests squarely upon
the shoulders of our adult chaperones.

What? Don't blame me, I was just trying
to help out football-brain, over there.

Uncle Jesse, we've
gotta learn something.

After all, the motto of our science
club is, "We've gotta learn something."

And I will teach you something.

You guys are kids, I'm a grownup,
I should know more than you.

But you don't.

I know your parents would
have a lot more spending money...

if you were in a crate
on your way to Siberia.

Why don't you teach
them to climb the stairs?

My interviewer is gonna be here
any minute. Keep them up there...

keep them occupied.

And Joey. Joey, get these
people into the kitchen.

Are you out of your mind?
There's no TV in there.

What will we watch? The freezer?

[WHISTLE BLOWS, ALL CHEER]

Okay, our collage has
antelopes and zebras.

Can you guys think of any
other animals that travel in packs?

No.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

I mean, yes.

Who are they?

I think Joey brought
some friends over to play.

Man, look. It's
that clown again.

[ALL LAUGH]

[INTRO THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Thanks for the
second chance, guys.

That's no clown, that's my dad.

Well, as you can see, we
finally found the scoreboard.

And it's clearly marked,
"Authorized personnel only."

Which is exactly what we are.

So why don't we take an
authorized peek inside, Danny?

This is exciting.

[ALARM BLARING]

Well, I guess we're not as
authorized as we thought we were.

So while we
straighten this out...

why don't we throw it
back to you, Al, Frank...

- Dan. Heh.
- And Dan, Dan.


- I thought you got clearance.
- Your job was clearance...

I made the dinner reservations.

- Uh... Uh...
- Uh-oh.

[GAME RESUMES ON TV]

That joker's your dad?

Heh. No, no, see, you guys fell for
the old, "That's my dad" routine. Heh

Better watch or I'll get your nose.
Oh, look, there it is. Ha-ha-ha.

You lovable lugs are
just too darn easy, yeah.

- Okay, boys, let's go upstairs.
- That was your dad.

Shh. That was also your mom.

BOTH: Shh.

So you see, kids, it's
simple science, okay?

I mean, if you get the proper
pH balance in your shampoo...

when you get to
this stage, you see?

You're scalp should
be what, Derek?

Tingling like pins and needles.

Precisely. Okay.

Always use the fingertips to
massage in the shampoo...

never the butt of the hand.
Fingertips, yes. Butt, Derek?

- No. JESSE: Correct.

This concludes our little
scientific presentation.

- Kids, what have you learned today?
- That Joey's the smart one.

At least he's watching
the Super Bowl.

Yeah, who cares
how split ends split?

The day's sh*t, let's go
downstairs and watch the game.

- We can watch Derek shampoo anytime.
- Kids, kids, if I can stress anything...

it's condition. It really is.
Condition, condition, condition.

Where's the TV? And all
those guys with no lives?

Uncle Jesse, you're supposed
to keep them busy upstairs.

I tried, but kids these
days, you know?

They'll spend two, three
hours on their homework...

but you try to spend five minutes
on proper scalp maintenance...

and they look at you like
you're some kind of nut.

That's the look.

- Please, she's gonna be here any minute.
- What am I supposed to do?

- Take them into the kitchen.
- Come on, you beauty school dropouts.

Follow me into the
kitchen, right this way.

I seem to have been
left high and not quite dry.

Out, out, out, come on,
come on. Out, out, out.

JESSE: Sit down. MEN: Sit down.

Out, out, out.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[HORN SOUNDS ON TV]

Hey, there's a lady out
there with a briefcase.

That's my interview. Out. Everybody,
out. Out, out. Joey, get them out.

All right, I know the drill, road
trip. Let's go, come on. Let's go.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[KNOCK]

[KNOCK]

I'll be right there,
just one second.

[CLATTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

- Hello, I'm Norma Bedrosian.
- Hi, I'm D.J. Tanner.

- I parked in the back, if that's okay.
- Oh, yeah, no problem.

[MEN AND KIDS CHEERING LOUDLY]

Would you excuse
me for just one second.

[LOUD CHEERING CONTINUES]

Shut up!

Ahem. Heh. Sorry, I just
had to clear my throat there.

- Please, have a seat.
- Thank you.

[CLATTERS]

We at the scholarship foundation
are interested in people...

who are serious about
their academic careers.

- Oh, you and me both.
- A lot of students go out to school...

and think that college
is just one big party.

Oh, no, not me. I don't
even think about partying.

I don't even know
anyone who parties.

[LOUD CHEERS]

Deej, there you are.

Why didn't you tell me you
were having a wild party?

Do I know you?

Oh, you must be
the scholarship babe.

Hey, if you've got any extra
bucks, throw a little cash my way.

I'm gonna graduate magna
come and get her. Ha!

Who is this young woman?

Oh, I'm D.J.'s best pal.

We're inseparable.
We belong together.

Like Spam and Tang.

- Spam, out. Out, out.
- See you, Tang.

Miss Tanner, is it possible there's a
Super Bowl party going on in there?

- Uh... No, I... MAN: Touchdown!

[LOUD CHEERS]

Yes, but it's not my party.
I don't like football at all.

I'd much rather study.

Football is just so barbaric
and stupid and pointless.

What a shame
because I love football.

As do I. Heh.

- You didn't let me finish.
- If my car hadn't broken down...

I'd be watching
the game right now.

Let's cut to the
chase, Miss Tanner.

Your grades are excellent,
your essay was superlative...

you got the scholarship.

- Mrs. Bedrosian, thank you. I...
- I'm sure you'll make us all very proud.

- Now to the game.
- Right.

Nacho cheese, you gotta love it.

Any room in here for
another football fan?

MEN: Norma!

What are you guys doing
here? Why aren't you at Weeb's?

All because of Beavis
and Butt-Head here.

Hey, hey, don't blame Beavis.
This is all Butt-Head's fault.

[LAUGHS LIKE BUTT-HEAD]

Okay, okay, come on.
It didn't work out so bad.

It's a great game and
everyone's having fun.

MEN: Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Not everyone.

- I'll get it. Excuse me.
- I'll go with you.

Nah, I'll stay and watch
the rest of the game.

Hey, Michelle.

Hey, listen. You and I have
to have a little talk, okay?

I'm sorry, I know you're
a little disappointed...

about not going to
the science museum.

A little disappointed?

I was a little disappointed when
they stopped making the McRib.

But now, I'm a lot disappointed.

Okay, a lot disappointed, okay.
I can deal with that, all right.

I know.

[EXHALES]

Michelle...

Sometimes things don't always
work out the way you planned.

You're just gonna have
to learn how to handle that.

- Do you understand, sweetheart?
- I think so.

Like if someone wanted
to watch the Super Bowl...

but promised to do something else,
they should learn how to handle that?

Ooh. This little lesson just
took an unexpected turn.

[SIGHS]

Yeah, I guess I was
a little selfish, huh?

I guess so.

Boy. I ruined your day, I
ruined everyone's day...

just because I was obsessed
about a silly old football game.

I don't get it, what's the big
deal with the Super Bowl?

Well, it's exciting, it's
fun, it's the biggest day...

of aerosol cheese
consumption in the world.

But that's no excuse.

The most important thing
is keeping a promise...

and I apologize,
Michelle. I'm sorry.

Hey, look, let's forget
about the Super Bowl.

If we hurry, we can get over to
the museum, learn about the atom...

and have time to make
fun of Einstein's hair.

Thanks, Joey, but
I think it's too late.

- Maybe we can go next week.
- Deal.

Early in the morning?

- Sure, why not?
- For the whole day?

- Until they throw us out.
- Good.

I think we understand
each other now.

- I think so.
- But later tonight...

I want you to think
about our little talk.

I'll be thinking.

MEN: Touchdown!

[LOUD CHEERS]

Oh, boy, that
sounded like a big play.

Well, it is the Super Bowl.

- What are we waiting for?
- Let's go. Come on, it's the Super Bowl.
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