[D.J. INHALES DEEPLY]
Oh, I love the smell of a
shoe sale in the morning.
Yeah, a store full of shoes
and Dad's credit card.
It's like winning the lottery.
- Hi, ladies. Can I help you?
- Yeah. I need new shoes.
- It's getting kind of crowded down here.
- Let's have a look.
See? My clogs are all clogged.
Actually, we're all looking
to spruce up the old dogs.
Oh.
Excuse me a minute.
Those dogs should
be put to sleep.
Em...
Excuse me, miss, but we reserve
the right to refuse service to those feet.
I don't get it. I've never
even been in this shoe store.
Bad smells travel fast.
I like these shoes.
Well, let's step over here,
see what size you are.
- I like those shoes.
- Let's see your foot.
[SIGHS]
Size 13.
My, my. For a little girl, you certainly
have very, shall we say, healthy feet.
He said I have healthy feet.
That's just a nice way of saying
big. You've grown two sizes this year.
- Is that a lot?
- Not for Bigfoot.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Looks like all your little
piggies went to market.
And stopped at Sizzler
on the way home.
[ALL LAUGH]
Look on the bright side.
By the time you get to high school,
you'll be able to water-ski without skis.
[ALL LAUGH]
- My feet aren't that big.
- Oh, yeah?
Excuse me. Do you have this
for Michelle in a larger size?
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
Very funny.
Boys, it's time to go to sleep, but
first we got a special treat for you.
We used to do this for
Michelle when she was your age.
And the tradition continues.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Lullabies:
The Next Generation.
All right, gentlemen,
start your vocal cords.
[SINGING] Hello
- Hello - Hello
ALL: Hello.
- Good song.
- Well, that... That wasn't the song, son.
Well, what we are waiting for?
[PLAYS GUITAR]
Christopher Robin
and I walked along
Under branches
lit up by the moon
- Posing our questions to
Owl and Eeyore BOTH: Oooh
ALL: As our days
disappeared all too soon
[BOTH GIGGLING]
JESSE: Now, I've
wandered much further today
Than I should
ALL: And I can't seem to
find my way Back to the wood
So help me if you can
I gotta get
Back to the House
at Pooh Corner by 1
You'd be surprised
There's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Oh, I love this song.
- Chase all the clouds from
the sky - Chase the clouds away
[BECKY SINGING OFF-KEY]
JESSE: Back to the days
JESSE: Of Christopher
Robin and Pooh - Pooh
Oh, that's "poo," all right.
- One more time.
- No, no, no. No more time, guys.
It's bedtime now, all right? Come
on. Time to go to bed. Come on.
All right, in you go.
- Good night, son.
- Go get down there. Good night.
- Ready, boys?
- Yeah.
- Good night - Good night
Good night
[OFF-KEY] Good night
- Nighty-night.
- Good night, boys.
- Nighty-night.
- Good night, sweetie.
Good night. I love you.
We sounded great, didn't we?
Yeah. Yeah, we sounded...
We sounded like we never
sounded before, right, boys?
- We've never sounded like that.
- That was a whole new sound.
You know what? We
should do this every day.
Two shows on Saturday:
bedtime and naptime. Heh.
Maybe we could even start our
own little family singing group.
Like the Osmonds. Good
night, Donny, Jimmy, Tito.
- Gentlemen, we got a big problem.
- What would that big problem be?
Well, did you hear her voice?
She sounds like a cat in a Cuisinart.
That's not a big problem.
A big problem is like if...
Well, if, like,
your butt fell off.
What?
Well, you'd be totally out of the
mooning business. I don't know.
I don't know.
- Sit down.
- Okay, all right.
The point is, we worked too hard
on those harmonies, you know?
The thought of Becky butchering
those songs every day...
and twice on Saturdays, it's...
Guys, I don't think it's gonna work.
Well, why don't we
give her a tambourine...
and stick her in the back like
Paul McCartney did with Linda?
No. You know what? I'm just
gonna teach her to sing on-key.
Or in a key.
How about in the Florida Keys?
I don't know, Jess.
Trying to teach something
to someone in your family...
can be really touchy.
Rebecca won't know. I'll tell her we're
working on harmonies for that little song.
And if she happens to learn how to
sing in the process, well, then, thank God.
Comet, this book has
all the world records in it.
Biggest head.
Biggest ears.
Here it is. Biggest feet.
Oh, no. That's what I'm
gonna look like someday.
[WHIMPERS]
[BARKS]
Hi, Michelle.
Hmm."Children's Book of World
Records." What you reading about?
Uh... The world's
biggest tomato.
How big is it?
Too big.
By now, it's probably
a case of ketchup.
[LAUGHS]
I'm going to sleep.
Boy, I gotta get some
new big-tomato material.
See you in the
morning, Michelle.
GIRL [TEASING]: Bigfoot.
GIRLS [TEASING]:
Bigfoot. Bigfoot. Bigfoot.
You've grown
two sizes this year.
Healthy feet. Healthy
feet. Healthy feet.
You'll be able to water-ski
without skis. Ha-ha-ha.
Do you have this for
Michelle in a larger size?
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
GIRLS: Bigfoot.
Bigfoot. Bigfoot.
MICHELLE: I'm home.
- Oh, good, Michelle's home.
Hope she had a better
day than yesterday.
That car pool is getting ridiculous,
20 clowns in one Volkswagen.
Well, you must have had
a nice day. You're smiling.
How many times do I have
to tell you? It's painted on.
Uncle Jesse, can you
help me with these shoes?
I don't know whether to use a
shoehorn or the Jaws of Life. Heh.
All right. Come up
here. You ready?
One, two, three.
Have mercy.
BOTH: Yikes.
Michelle, those
puppies are getting huge.
What are you using,
Desenex or Miracle-Gro?
Daddy...
Ow. Michelle, you gotta put a
"wide load" sign on those babies.
Sorry.
Daddy, why can't I
go back to school?
Tsk. Oh, sweetheart.
We talked about this before.
Last time you were there, you were playing
hopscotch and you squished the janitor.
And I don't have to remind you about
that near-fatal hokey-pokey accident.
Yeah, you put your left foot
in, you took everybody out.
Let's take a ride
on Michelle's feet.
Mm. Sorry, boys. Last time, you
slipped between her toes and got lost.
Hey, Pauline Bunion.
I... I picked up a little foot powder
to get you through the weekend.
Oh, and, father of the freak,
you owe me 412 smackeroonies.
- Great.
- Maybe we can make some money back.
Michelle, trim your toenails. We'll
sell the clippings as boomerangs.
Michelle, I swear, your feet
are getting bigger every minute.
No, they're not.
Oh, no, they're
growing again. Ah!
[STRETCHING]
They're out of control.
Run for your lives.
[ALL YELLING]
Wait, don't go.
Somebody help me,
they're growing like crazy.
[ALL YELLING]
- Joey, do something.
- I got it, let's tickle it.
Okay...
MICHELLE [GIGGLING]: Stop. Stop.
ALL: Tickle, tickle, tickle.
No, stop it. Stop, that tickles,
that tickles. Stop it, stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
[GASPING]
Oh, thank goodness.
It was just a dream.
[SCREAMING]
Michelle. Michelle, wake up.
You're having a bad dream.
That's what I thought.
But it's not, it's real. Look.
Oh. So you ate cookies in bed.
We've all done it.
Now, relax, you're fine.
I'm not fine. I'm
a Bigfoot freak.
- Hi, Michelle.
- Hi, Lisa.
What are you doing? You were supposed
to meet us at the park. Are you sick?
- Yeah, I'm sick of these feet.
- Well, you better get over it.
You're stuck with them
for the rest of your life.
Don't you see? They're
growing like crazy.
Really? Are they
growing right now?
Get back.
These things can
take an eye out.
This is what they're
gonna look like.
Gross. They look like
two Buicks with toes.
But it'll look good on you.
What am I gonna do?
- I know how we can shrink them.
- Will it hurt?
Don't worry. I
won't feel a thing.
[PIANO PLAYING]
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Oh, Jess, you know what?
I made up a list of songs...
- that our group can sing to the boys.
- Oh.
Dynamite. Dynamite,
dynamite, dynamite stuff.
But I figured, why
don't we work a little
bit on the song we sang
last night, you know?
You see, I've written
you a special little part.
You didn't have to
write me a special part.
I'd be fine singing
whatever pops into my head.
It's whatever pops out of your mouth
that we should work on. Come over here.
Come over here. Now, remember that
part, "Chase the clouds away"? Ahem.
We do it a little lower.
[SINGING]
Try that.
[BECKY SINGING OFF-KEY]
Close. That was very close.
Can I give you just
one little, little tip?
- Oh, sure, go ahead. Tip away.
- It's your posture. I think it's your...
It's one tip. It's your
posture. You need to st...
You know what? I
thought of a second one.
It's your posture and your diaphragm.
You have to breathe from your dia...
You know, I just... See? Boom. I
think and a third one just came out.
You have to enunciate. You
see? You have to enunciate.
- Enunciate.
- That's it. Very good.
- Got it.
- Okay.
Let's try this little...
Little exercise here.
Okay.
May-me-my-mo-mu
Try that.
[OFF-KEY] May-me-my-mo-mu
Okay. Well, let's... One
more time, if we... If we can.
BOTH: May-me-my-mo-mu
From your diaphragm.
May-me-my-mo-mu
Now you're not standing up.
May-me-my-mo-mu
Enunciate.
BOTH: May-me-my-mo-mu
Diaphragm. Stand up, please.
May-me-my-mo-mu May-me-my-mo-mu
Jess, Jess, Jess,
stop it. Stop it.
What are you trying to do,
give me a singing lesson?
[CHUCKLES] No. No. No.
No, it's not... It's not a... It's
not a singing lesson per se.
It's more of a singing
tip... Tip session.
All right, fine. So
I am not the best
singer. I don't peel
the paint off the walls.
No, but the beams
are starting to buckle.
Okay, I don't have the greatest
voice. I'm not hurting anybody.
Well, see, that's...
That's where we disagree.
You see, as a professional
musician, I rely on my ear.
And if my ear is
exposed to a sound that...
And I mean this in a nice way.
Sounds like a fork in
a garbage disposal...
it could ruin said ear.
- I'd like to whop you upside said ear.
- Oh.
Beck, don't be so emotional.
It's just a little criticism.
How would you like
it if I criticized you?
Well, I'm sure I could take it,
if I had any faults to criticize.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, Mr. Over-Moussed,
Two-Hours-in-Front-of-the-Mirror...
Hair-Accouterment, Per-Se,
Have-Mercy, Hells-Angel-Dropout...
Overcritical-Elvis-Wannabe...
handle that.
[SLAMS DOOR]
Not bad for your
first lesson, honey.
Are you sure this
really shrinks stuff?
They call it shrink-wrap.
And it'll keep my feet
fresh for up to five days.
Just to be sure, we
better use the ice too.
Why the ice?
My brother once got
this big bump on his head.
He accidentally
ran into my fist.
My mom put ice on it
and it completely shrunk.
- His head?
- No, the bump.
Are you really going to do this?
[GASPING]
Aah!
It's freezing.
"And they lived
happily ever after."
Sing us a song, Mama.
Oh, you don't wanna hear me
sing. It might buckle the beams.
No, it won't.
Please, Mama?
Well, now, how
could I say no to that?
[SINGING]
- What?
- Nose.
Nose.
[BECKY CHUCKLES]
- Sing more, Mama.
- You're the bestest.
Aw, thanks, but I don't
think everyone feels that way.
No, you boys are right.
Your mom sounds beautiful.
Jess, you said I sound
like grinding flatware.
That's because
I wasn't listening.
I mean, I was hearing the notes, but
I wasn't feeling the love behind them.
- I'm sorry, Becky.
- I'm sorry too.
I said some pretty mean things.
You know, hair, the motorcycle,
the Elvis-wannabe stuff...
No need to relive that.
Apology accepted.
Criticism hurts more when it
comes from someone you love.
When it comes from
someone you don't like...
you can just, you know,
knock them upside the head.
- Forgive me?
- Am I still in the group?
- Absolutely.
- You're forgiven.
Kiss her already.
All they do is talk, talk, talk.
What are you doing?
You tell me to kiss her...
[TWINS GIGGLING]
Come on, four-way kiss, mm,
four-way kiss. Ready? Four-way, mm.
[SHIVERING] Are they smaller?
No.
But they're bluer.
- Michelle, what are you doing?
- That's ice water.
[SHIVERING] Duh.
What are you doing, making a
bunion Slurpee? Get out of there.
No, I'm not done.
- Yes, you are.
- No.
You need to get out of that ice
water. You're gonna freeze your feet off.
[ARGUING]
Okay, okay, okay. Go to
your neutral corners, please.
Oh, that's where all the ice went. I'm
over here drinking a warm sarsaparilla.
Dad, Michelle was
soaking her feet in ice water.
[SPITS]
Michelle, your feet
are wrapped in plastic,
there's a bucket of
ice water on the floor.
I can only guess
what's going on.
I'm trying to shrink my feet.
Ooh. I would have been right.
Michelle, where would you
get a crazy idea like that?
Well, gotta go.
Michelle, why the heck would
you wanna shrink your feet?
Because I'm a freak. They're
growing two sizes a year.
Honey, you're just going
through a growth spurt.
What would make you
think you're a freak?
Uh...
Dad, we might have helped
with that freak scenario.
We were giving Michelle
a hard time at the store.
- What did you say to her?
- Oh, standard foot humor.
Something about
Bigfoot and water skis.
Yeah, and her feet being so big they
looked like two beaver tails with laces.
You never said that.
Actually, I just thought of it.
Figured I better use it or lose it.
[JOEY LAUGHS]
But anyway, I'm really sorry,
Michelle. I was kind of out of control.
Yeah, I'm sorry too. We
shouldn't have teased you like that.
Sometimes a little teasing can blow
things out of proportion for a little kid.
I remember when I was your
age, I was the tallest kid in my class.
Everybody used to
call me "Freckle Shins."
Freckle Shins?
And there's a connection
between that and your height?
See, what happened was I
would grow, but my pants wouldn't.
So, what I had
was a situation...
where there was this big gap between
my socks and the bottom of my pants.
So, what you saw... Well,
you know, you get the picture.
- Unfortunately, yes.
DANNY: Well, the point is...
Look, I was afraid I was
gonna grow up to be some giant.
So I used to walk around hunched
over, hoping I'd look shorter.
And what I looked like
was a giant question mark.
Well, you're tall, but
you're not a giant.
Right. And your feet might be
a tiny bit big, but they're normal.
Honey, everybody has something
about themselves they're not happy with.
Yeah, just take a look at
me, for instance, Michelle.
My head is shaped like a toe.
No, it's not.
Let him finish, Michelle.
This should be good.
You see, when I was growing
up, everybody called me "Toehead."
[CHUCKLES]
Joey, "towhead" is an
expression that people use...
to describe kids
with very blond hair.
Get completely out of here.
[CHUCKLES] Joey, it's true.
We were called
that all the time.
You see, Michelle, your own
imagination, or sheer ignorance...
can make things seem
worse than they really are.
I guess my feet aren't that
bad, when they're not all pruny.
Believe me, honey, you
are a beautiful normal child...
and you are going to grow up
to be a beautiful normal adult.
- You promise?
- I promise.
So you guys...
are basically saying that my
head's not shaped like a toe.
I always thought I had
this ingrown forehead, and...
[GIRLS CHUCKLE]
You know what?
Now that you mention...
I could kind of picture a
big sandal on your head.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, you do have
kind of big eyebrows.
Now you've crossed the line.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]