02x07 - Where Pleasant Fountains Lie

[bunniefuu]

♪

A hundred-year w*r, all because

a computer tricked us
into fighting each other.

It's so embarrassing.

A lot of civilizations blame it
on the supernatural.

At least you didn't fall for that.

[laughing]: Yeah.

That would have been crazy.

[groaning]

Here's your "lord" AGIMUS,
safely disconnected

from his network of drones.

AGIMUS: Hey, now, this
has all been a huge mistake.

just let me access your
computer mainframe,

and I'll explain everything.

Nice try. Save it for the roboticists

at the Daystrom Institute. Ransom?

All right, fella, in you go. [groans]

So, you're the muscle, huh?

Bet you couldn't throw me into
that control console over there.

Over there? By that network port?

That's nothing. I could easily toss...

[chuckling]: Oh. Oh, you almost got me.

I underestimated your intelligence.

- Clearly, you should be the captain...
- Yeah.

Anyone hungry?

I could eat.

Ugh. I don't know why I keep

giving alien street food a chance.

It's always such a gamble.

Captain, we're being hailed.

On screen. Queen Paolana.

To what do we owe
this pleasure... again?

We're having a spot of engine
trouble here on the Monaveen.

My royal engineers can't seem
to suss out the hiccup.

- Uh-huh.
- Carol, you're the closest

Starfleet ship in the quadrant.

As such, I must call upon the aid

of your chief engineer.

What a surprise.

- Captain, we have completed the...
- PAOLOANA: Ah!

My dear Andarithio!
Have you been eating?

You're wasting away. And what happened

- to that mustache? It is thinning.
- [sighs]

- Hello, Mother.
- Are you taking your vitamins?

You must start eating eggs.

♪

♪

♪

Boimy's got a phaser r*fle. Nice.

Now, how are those different
from regular phasers?

Uh, they take two hands.

You're just jealous 'cause
you pulled a boring cargo trip

to the Daystrom Institute

while I get to wrangle giant centipedes.

Ooh. You're on the mission to Dansk?

Yup. Another class M
for my planetary review log.

How are you excited for giant,
nightmarish centipedes?

You know, back on the Titan,

we did this kind
of wet work all the time.

Ugh. Don't say "wet work." Gross.

What? It was work, it was wet.
It-it-it was fine.

I'm just glad Ransom's finally
taking my experience to heart.

[beep]

"Ensign Boimler, report for reassignment

to escort of cargo
to the Daystrom Institute"?

But that's what you're doing.

Aw, sorry, man. No getting eaten
by an arthropod today.

Instead you can load the crates.

And, hey, I'm gonna do you a favor.

We'll spray 'em down. You can
still have your wet work.

Aw.

BILLUPS: Okay, team.

Listen up. Some of you might have heard

that my mother's back on the ship.

Now, we all know the score.

Please don't fall
for one of her deceptions.

Uh, wait. What deceptions?

Mother is the queen of Hysperia,
my homeworld.

When I joined Starfleet,

I abdicated my birthright as prince.

Hysperia... Oh! That's
the planet with the dragons

that got colonized
by all those Ren faire types.

Did you grow up in a castle?

Yes, but a life of mythical
adventure can't compare

to working on the old impulse engine.

Which is exactly why
my mom is always trying

to trick me into having sex.

Uh, sorry. What now?

By Hysperian law,
if I lose my virginity,

then I automatically become king.

I'd have to resign from
Starfleet and take the throne.

[fanfare sounds]

Here he is, Your Majesty.

Mother, if you're planning
on tricking me

into intercourse, think again.

The only lady I love is two decks tall

and pumped full of dilithium.

My sweet Andarithio,
I promise, no tricks this time.

- Really?
- Yes.

Obviously, I still hope one day

you'll give up this nonsense,
but I see now

that I was pushing you away.

Oh. So, then why are you here?

The dragonbreath engines in our
ships have been breaking down.

We have no idea why.

Hysperia will be left defenseless.

My son, I'm asking you
to help your people,

not as a prince, but as... [groans]

...an engineer.

Okay, now that I can do.

Mr. Rutherford, you're with me.

It's time to prove to my mother
that I'm more than a royal stud.

[chanting]: Billups! Billups! Billups!

RUTHERFORD: Aw,
man, I'm not cut out for this.

But you fix the Cerritos all the time.

Yeah, but this is different.
We're talking about

a fancy cruiser
stuffed with puffy monarchs.

I-I'm gonna go tell Billups
he should use someone else.

No! You belong there
as much as anyone else.

You need to get outside
your comfort zone.

But I love my zone. It's so comfortable.

So you'll really turn down
working on a whole new engine?

Uh, well, it would be nice

to see how the other half
channels their antimatter.

That's the ticket.
Just ignore all the fancy gowns,

and make sure not to say anything rude,

be careful how you stand.
Oh, and you should

- definitely learn how to curtsy.
- [whimpers]

- Ah...
- Hey, cheer up.

This is a blessing in disguise.

You really wanted to be covered
in centipedes right now?

It would've looked great
on my evaluations.

- Yeah, assuming you survived.
- What was that?

Oh, just kick back, man, enjoy the trip.

After we drop this thing off,

we'll grab some Okinawa ramen and...

Whoa. Uh, sensors say

we hit a gravimetric shear.

BOIMLER: Oh, no.
We're in the gravity well.

Uh, try manual controls. Auto is out.

Ugh!

No response! Brace for impact!

[both yelling]

[groans]

[gasps] Mariner? Mariner?

[groans] I'm okay. It's just a fracture.

- [bone cracks]
- [groans]

Ugh. Just?
Oh, God, I can't even look at it.

Well, good news.
It's a breathable atmosphere,

wherever we are.

[sighs]

Looks like we aren't the only
ones to hit that anomaly.

Most systems are down,
no way to send a distress call.

No. We-we were outside
of communication range.

It's gonna be a week
before anyone even notices

that we haven't checked in.

Good thing
the replicator's still intact.

Computer, iced tea,
splash of lemonade, cold.

REPLICATOR: Black licorice, dry.

Great.

The least nutritious food that
tastes the most like poison.

AGIMUS [muffled]: Help. Help me.

Did you hear something?

Ah, thank you, friend.

I am freed.

Aw, crap. It's the evil computer.

We're not supposed to interact with it.

- [grunting]
- Hey, hey!

Before you close that, consider...

- Dang it.
- I can contact help!

- [grunts, sighs]
- Oh, come on, friends.

Help me help you.

[Boimler groans]

Hysperian culture can be
a bit, uh, distracting.

Whoa.

Wow. Sir, is that you?

Prince Andarithio!

Just call me Billups. Thank you.

It's such an honor
to bask in your glory.

Our beloved Prince Andarithio
has returned.

Ah, okay, don't-don't need the necklace.

- Huzzah! Huzzah!
- Thank you.

Uh, but you don't have to bask.
Uh, not really a prince.

♪

My chief blacksmith is simply
baffled by the loss of power,

so I don't know what you can do.

Rutherford, check the levels
of the dragonsblood flame.

- The what?
- Sorry.

The primary fusion reactor.

Hysperians renamed everything
to sound like magic.

Uh, the, uh, elf matrix
seems like it's...

- Don't do that.
- Sorry.

The subspace field matrix
should be online.

It's not? That's impossible.

The plasma levels would be
completely unregulated.

Son, are you saying

the problem is beyond
your engineering acumen?

No. No. Okay, no. We will just have

to run a full diagnostic
from the bottom up.

You can run your full diagnostic

along my bottom up, my liege.

- [gulps]
- Nope, thank you.

Ignore them and just get to work.

[Boimler sighs]

[trilling]

Friend, I'm worried about you.

Your hair... patchy,
your skin... pimply.

- Are you sick?
- [Boimler sighs]

Boims, don't engage.
That's how they get you.

- Evil computers are so chatty.
- Tell you what.

Just connect me
to an engineering conduit.

I could whip up a sonic shower.
Wouldn't that feel splendid?

- [whooshing]
- Uh, what was that?

[growling]

- [whispering]: Can it see us?
- I don't know. Just don't move.

I know when I'm feeling scared,
the best thing you can do

is get plugged
into a shuttlecraft computer.

Will you stop it?

- [Boimler whimpers]
- Uh...

[roaring]

Uh... [whimpers]

[Mariner pants, Boimler groans]

Crap. The food.

Oh, no, no, no. It's going
to town on the rations.

Stupid AGIMUS.
Now we got nothing to eat.

It's fine. My scans indicate

you could lose a couple pounds anyway.

Excuse me?! Oh, you're gonna go there?

Mariner, don't engage. Remember?

- [growling]
- [Boimler gasps]

[Boimler grunts, creature growls]

Hey, get out of my PADD.

Sorry. Just stretching.

You get the door, I'll watch him.

Hey. Now keep your cords
to yourself, or I'll have

a hard time remembering
which regulation keeps me

from kicking you to pieces.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I wouldn't want to cause any trouble.

[groans]

Computer, water, please.

REPLICATOR: Black licorice. Black.

[groans loudly]

AGIMUS: I could fix that.

Tap water, still, bubbly with lime.

Just plug me in.

- Shut up!
- [scoffs]

Mariner, we kind of do
have to find water soon.

I know, yeah.

We know there's life here, which
means there's got to be water.

- Right?
- AGIMUS: Tell you what.

You two go look for it,

and I'll stay here
and guard the computer.

Just set me down there,
right in front of it.

- I'll just strap him up.
- Wait.

Why bring him with? We could just, like,

bury him, like Data's head.

Okay, actually,
Data's head was in a cave.

And it's our duty
to respect sentient life.

He's a manipulative supercomputer

who controlled a planet.

And we're Starfleet.

Oh, stupid Starfleet ethics.

No! Come on, leave me be!

Edible. I think
I can climb up and reach it.

- You have a broken arm.
- It's fractured.

I still have a better sh*t at it
than Mr. Falls-Out-of-His-Bunk.

That barely happens anymore.

And plus, I'll have you know,

I took up rock climbing on the Titan.

I swear, if you bring up your
study abroad one more time...

[grunts] You're just mad because
I'm finally catching up to you

in my planetary exploration skills.

- [yells, grunts]
- Ooh, so close.

You know, if that was a rock
wall, you would have had it.

Oh, just shut it!

- Ah, I can drink that.
- Oh, my God, random liquid.

- Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
- [both slurping]

[groans] It tastes
like black licorice, too?!

Are you [bleep] kidding me?!

Well, I don't see a better option.

[echoing]: Do you?!

No.

[both gulping and groaning]

Well, you know, I could have
fixed your replicator.

Right now you could have been
enjoying a cheeseburger

or blueberry muffins or...

Don't.

...guacamole.

I have rights!

Help! Starfleet! I'm under att*ck!

[groans] Uh...

- Help! Help! Help!
- Crabs.

[panting] Get out of here.
Get out of here. Get, get.

Well done, Bradward. My thanks.

How about you stop mentioning
food, and we'll be even, okay?

I can do you one better.

Your partner is not what she seems.

Yeah, I've heard the rumors.

I accessed your ship's memory bank.

Don't you wonder why

your commander took you off
the Dansk mission?

- Yo, Jack, do me a solid.
- Huh?

Throw Boimler
on that escort mission with me.

He doesn't want to wrangle centipedes?

No. He's not ready for Dansk.

Okay? What does a centipede have?

Pincers and poison mandibles.

Yeah, you wouldn't want
the guy getting pincered.

He wouldn't react well.

All right, I'll reassign him. Bummer.

I thought he was ready for this.

[sighs]

[panting]

Oh. What's going on?
Are we still stranded?

You pulled me off the Dansk mission?!

What? Did that thing tell you that?

Oh, you mean the truth?

It's clearly trying to get us
to fight. You know that, right?

Now Ransom thinks I'm not
cut out for the big stuff!

You're not! Well, at-at least not yet.

I was just looking out for you.

I'm sure that my Titan experience...

Enough with the Titan!

This trip is just proving me right.

You can't even handle mind games
from a hundred-year-old router.

Rude. Aah! Help me, Bradward!
Where is she taking me?

Mariner, drop the computer.

Nope. You are on time-out until
you stop siding with the enemy.

[Billups muttering]

Wow, sir. You're recalibrating
those plasma injectors

faster than I've ever seen.

Hmm.

[grunting] I got it.

Aha! Faulty resonators.

They've probably been degrading
all over the fleet

because, you know, resonance.

Weird. That should've come up
in our initial scan.

The royal navy is saved.

Let's hear it for Prince Andarithio

and his calloused squire.

Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

I have to admit, I'm impressed.

Seeing you in your element
finally makes me understand

why you love this Starfleet.

One could say I'm even...
Oh, what's the word?

Proud?

I'll only be proud
once you take my place

on the throne, but today I'm satisfied.

FREEMAN: Lieutenant Billups,
report to my ready room.

On my way, Captain.

Finish up here, and I'll be
right back, and, hey, nice work.

Thank you, sir.

You needed me, Captain?

No, not really.
I was just giving you an out

in case your mother was up
to her usual antics.

Actually, it's been great.
I-I think she respects me.

I mean, she really just wanted me

to diagnose her engine problem.

As a mother, I can understand

that she wants what's best for you.

Well, that's always been
the problem, but today

I might have finally earned her respect.

[both grunt]

What?

[gasping]

BILLUPS: No.

Oh, Your Majesty, what hath happened?

Uh, I don't know.
All readings were nominal.

Long live the queen.

The queen is dead.

Ensign Tendi, there was
an accident on the Monaveen.

Oh, no. I can prep for triage, and...

[gasps]

Rutherford?!

[gasping]

♪

[grunting]

Scans indicate...
this ship's engines are intact!

This could be our ticket out of here.

Plug me into that port.
I can release the doors.

Yeah, right. No,
we'll try that ship over there.

Why? AGIMUS can get us
into this one. It's right here.

He's right, Mariner.
Come on! I can help.

Oh, my God, Boimler,
since the minute we crashed,

he's been trying to get
his danglies into a computer.

No, uh-uh. No, no way.

I thought a maverick
like you would do anything

to get out of here.

Anything that isn't stupid.

[Boimler panting]

Give him to me.

Ugh. This is exactly why
I got you reassigned.

You are just a naive little...

- [Boimler yells]
- [groans]

What are you doing? Get the hell off me!

I'm sick of you bossing me around

like you're better than me!

You had no right to get me reassigned!

- Yes. Yes!
- [both grunting]

[grunting]

Stop! Don't make me do this.

Oh, please. Like you would
ever have the guts to...

- [Boimler yells]
- [Mariner groans]

You had no choice.

- She lacks your vision.
- [sighs]

Now quick, to the ship!

[grunts]

- [sighs]
- [door chirps]

Come.

Andy, I'm so sorry.
If there's anything I can do.

Captain, I... I'm afraid
I must resign from Starfleet.

Resign? What are you talking about?

I was trying to prove something today,

and all I did was get people k*lled.

It wasn't your fault. You can't
blame yourself for the...

The Hysperian throne is vacant.

My people need a leader.
They need a king.

And I must perform the Royal Copulation.

I don't have the luxury of being
your chief engineer anymore.

Are you sure you want to do this?

No. I have to do this.

- Ooh, yes.
- Uh.

Good luck, Your Majesty.

Oh, w-will it hurt?

[gasps] Rutherford, I... I can't.

This isn't happening.

Computer, locate Ensign Rutherford.

Cybernetic implant
of Ensign Rutherford is located

in Section
of the Hysperian ship Monaveen.

His implant is still transmitting.

A little part of him is still alive.

Ugh!

[groaning]

Boimler, you idiot.

[groaning]

[grunts]

You sure this thing can still fly?

- Seems pretty b*at-up.
- AGIMUS: Yes.

Yes, I can bring it on line.
I just need access.

Okay, I'll sub you in
as the navigation controls.

Aw, sh**t, the access port's
locked behind this panel.

We would need an auxiliary
power source to open it.

Oh, please. Here. Use my battery.

[electrical humming]

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[laughs] Yes!

Oh, Rutherford,

if I hadn't told you to get out
of your comfort zone,

you'd still be alive and comfortable.

[sniffling]

[laughter, overlapping chatter]

- Rutherford?!
- Hey, Tendi!

You here for the feast?

- You're alive!
- [grunts]

Huh? Of course I'm alive.

Well, what about the expl*si*n?

Wait. What expl*si*n?
The queen transported me here

for the celebration feast
because I did such a good job.

Raise a glass to King Andarithio,

who at this very moment
is destroying his virginity!

What?! No! Billups loves his virginity.

I mean, he loves being an engineer!

He doesn't want to be a king.

I don't care what he wants.

He shouldn't be wasting his life
twiddling around

on a dinky spaceship.

It was all a scam!

We've got to warn Billups!

- [lute playing]
- [gasps]

[playing repetitious melody]

Blocking comms?!

[grunts] I've got to
stop Billups from doing the do!

You're too late.

My royal guards are trained
from birth to skip foreplay.

[cackling]

[cackling echoes]

Ooh.

[grunting]

[groans, pants]

Your 'stache is so regal.

[pants, shouts]

- Out of my way, horse!
- [neighing]

Billups!

[grunts] Huh? Where's Billups?

Did his kingdom come?

[scoffs] Bathroom.

Come on. Come on.

You got this. You're a king.

[gasps] Ensign?

Sir, I'm alive!
It was one of your mom's tricks.

- You don't have to do sex!
- What?

- Was I too late?
- No! I needed more time to warm up!

- This prince remains dry!
- Yeah!

- BILLUPS: Yes!
- RUTHERFORD: All right!

Boimler, no!

AGIMUS: You are too late!

AGIMUS reigns!

With this ship's materials,

I will produce a whole fleet
of m*rder drones!

This planet... nay, this system...
will be mine! [laughs]

You fool! You trusted me! [laughs]

Nah, I used you.

What?

Uh, I've been using your power
cell to send a distress signal.

You were too busy scheming
to notice. You've been Boim'ed.

But-but no!

You plugged me
into the navigation console!

I control this ship!

[laughs] Buddy, we're not even
near the nav console.

All you control is the dimmer switch.

But I... I...

Boims! What? No. I totally thought

you were siding with this thing.

Yeah, sorry I lied and stunned you.

I just needed him to trust me so
he'd let me access his battery.

Aw, look at you.

Who's the evil computer now, huh?

You dare mock AGIMUS?!

I shall... I shall blind you!

BILLUPS: Faking your death,
blowing up your own ship?

This is a new low, Mother.

A meager price to pay
to get you on the throne.

I love Starfleet.

Okay, and I don't want
to live in a castle

with pet dragons
and all the mutton I can eat.

You need to accept the fact

that I'll be a virgin
for the rest of my life.

Well, we'll see about that.

ALL [chanting]:
Billups! Billups! Billups!

I'm sorry I pushed you
to go work on the Monaveen.

I'm as bad as the queen.

You should work wherever you want.

If that means staying in engineering

here on the Cerritos, then great.

Are you kidding? I loved it!

I got to work on an expensive engine,

eat a feast and save my boss.

I even got "blown up." [laughs]

[laughs] Yeah, I-I guess
there's just gonna be times

every now and then when it seems
like you've d*ed, huh?

Ha. That's Starfleet.
But you can handle that, right?

- [laughs]
- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

No biggie. [laughs nervously]

Well, this has been quite an adventure.

You two have shown me

that trust and friendship
are better than manipulation.

I'm ready to try being good
for a change.

- [beeps]
- There.

I just deleted all
my manipulative subroutines.

I want to be
a Starfleet officer like you!

Just drop me off at the Academy.

I can be the next Seven of Nine.
AGIMUS of One!

You'll regret this!

I will conquer this lab,

and then I will
take over the Federation!

I will destroy you all!

COMPUTER :
You'll do nothing of the sort,

for I am going
to annihilate the Federation!

Tremble at my power!

AGIMUS: With that programming?
Good luck.

You should self-destruct,
if you even can.

COMPUTER : You both suck!

You don't understand what being
an evil computer even is!

[overlapping computer chatter]