[MOANING]
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[THUNDER CRACKING]
[LAUGHING]
[MAN SCREAMING]
PAM: "Old Lady Spinster,"
her guest hissed,
as he begged for his life.
If you listen closely,
you can still hear
the cries of her victims.
[CLOCK TICKING]
The cries of her victims!
SAM: Oh, beware! Beware! [GROWLING]
Beware, beware! [GROWLING]
Beware!
But you still have two nights
left on your reservation!
WOMAN: I told you we
should've gone to Dollywood!
Who would want to stay here?
- _
- These people are frauds!
- [CAR DOORS SLAMMING]
- [CAR ENGINE REVS]
This fake blood sure stains.
How grandmother was
able to get real blood
out of this carpet, I'll never know.
Right?
Hey, Granny, share
with us your secret, would ya?
I mean, give us some
of that sage advice.
"Sell the house!
Change your name and start a new hotel!"
Wow, did you hear that?
That's some really good advice there.
It's not funny, Sam!
Just show some respect.
Come on, sis, just admit it.
Nobody wants to stay in a m*rder house.
This isn't just some m*rder house.
This is our house.
- It's morbid!
- It's family.
People like horror.
People like being scared.
- Crazy people.
- Don't.
I'm not saying you're crazy, I'm just...
Our customers are out there.
We just have to find them.
Look at this.
Lizzie Bord-Inn, booked.
Dahmer Apartment, booked.
John Wayne Gacy Circus Tent, booked.
Us, nothing.
What is it gonna take
to get us on the map?
Grandmother was America's
first female serial k*ller.
That's a big deal.
If only the world knew you
were so groundbreaking.
And so psychotic.
WOMAN: What up, K*llers?
It's TheMorgueCases.
Today I got to check another crime scene
off my mass m*rder bucket
list and spent the night
in Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment.
It was so great!
That's it! Influencers.
I need stupid, vapid,
"Like and Subscribe" influencers.
Okay, we reach out to this girl.
We offer her a free night.
We wine and dine and frighten her,
and then, boom, positive review.
You lost me at "free."
_
I'm at the Spinster m*rder House,
and if you've never heard of it,
don't be ashamed.
This one is a deep cut,
even for The Morgue.
The story goes that years ago,
Old Lady Spinster,
the proprietor of this hotel,
m*rder*d an untold number of guests.
After confessing to her crimes,
she d*ed in an insane asylum.
PAM: Uh, no. Hi.
Actually, she did not die
in an insane asylum.
She d*ed peacefully
in a retirement home.
And this, my morbid viewers,
is Lady Spinster's own granddaughter.
That's me, proud Spinster.
The name, not the other way.
- You know how it is, Morgan.
- Call me Morgue.
Now, you inherited this
place from your grandmother?
Yes, we did, my brother and I.
Hi.
Go ahead and say hi
to our viewers, Mr. Spinster.
Oh, are they, she's live right now?
Yeah, but don't worry.
This is my BTS stream.
Only a few thousand people are watching.
Um, welcome to
the Spinster m*rder House!
This way to the deception den.
MORGAN: Ooh!
The house got gift
points for creep factor.
PAM: Grandmother designed it herself.
Some even say the
house drove her to k*ll.
PAM: No, they don't.
MORGUE: You have a shrine of her?
I love it! It's so trashy.
- _
- SAM: Wow.
It's working!
- _
- MORGUE: The stream dropped.
That's the steel panels in the walls.
Grandmother had them installed.
SAM: To muffle
the screams of her victims.
Oh my god. That's horrible.
Is there Wi-Fi?
This place sure is a maze.
That's the whole point, dear.
You see, grandmother designed
the architecture of this house
to confuse and then trap her victims.
[METAL CLANGING]
PAM: See, that's what happens to guests
when they break the house rules.
_
PAM: My grandmother was very strict.
Rule number one, no smoking.
- [DOOR UNLATCHING]
- [GIRLS SCREAMING]
_
[HEAVY BREATHING]
SAM: Oh, and then
there's rule number two,
absolutely no feet on the furniture.
- [MAN LAUGHING]
- [AXE THWACKING]
[MAN SCREAMING]
[WOMAN LAUGHING]
PAM: And of course,
and most importantly,
rule number three:
- no noise after dark.
- WOMAN: No!
- [AXE THWACKING]
- [WOMAN SCREAMING]
PAM: The blood of everyone
who broke grandmother's rules
still stains the walls of this house.
MORGUE: Looks more like
rust. Do you have leaky pipes?
No. No, no, no, no, no. That's blood.
Well, then, what happened to the bodies?
They never found them.
Then how do you know it's true?
PAM: Because she confessed.
MORGUE: If there's no body,
then there's no m*rder.
That's like True Crime .
Perhaps she fed them to her victims.
And the bones?
They were tossed down this corpse chute
to a secret basement below.
- That's just a dumbwaiter.
- Or a dead waiter.
I don't know. It just
seems a little thin.
What's that supposed to mean?
MORGUE: It's just,
I've studied every serial k*ller
from John Eric Armstrong
to Kevin Lee Zimmerman,
and I've never heard
of the Spinster case
until you emailed me.
How do you know she wasn't
just some crazy old woman
who built a wonky house?
You have no idea what
you're talking about.
I mean, grandmother was
a world-class serial k*ller,
and I'll bet if she was here right now,
she'd hack you to pieces!
[DOOR SLAMMING]
What she meant was
if you need anything, let us know.
This house is definitely spooky,
but I don't know about the owners.
They're kinda creepy,
and I don't mean creepy in a fun way.
Like, sad creepy.
PAM: "There's no body.
There's no m*rder."
[SCOFFING] Can you believe her?
Accusing dear old grandmother
of not k*lling anyone?
SAM: Just stop complaining, okay?
We're not doing this for her.
We're doing it for her viewers.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Whoa.
What the hell's happening
with our reservations?
I bet it's her.
So far the only thing I'm
sure Old Lady Spinster k*lled
is my vacation.
This little brat is gonna ruin us.
Oh no, she isn't.
[FOOTSTEPS STOMPING]
[HIGH-PITCHED BEEP]
_
SAM: Ah, you're just
in time for breakfast.
I made some sausage and eggs.
I'm vegan. I think meat is m*rder.
I thought you liked m*rder.
Well, yeah, but just people.
Oh.
Also, the Wi-Fi's down.
Yes, that, um,
I've actually been on the phone
all morning with the repair company,
and waiting, you know how it is.
MORGUE: Right. Well, thanks.
Hey, I wanted to apologize
if I upset you yesterday.
I'm just a stickler for details,
you know?
PAM: Don't mention it.
Yeah, I understand that
you true crime people,
you have to ask a lot of questions.
I think that we should
keep an open mind,
which is why I was thinking
maybe we could do a little
investigating today.
What kind of investigating?
Look around the house for
any unmarked entrances,
hidden doors, overlooked crawlspaces.
Maybe find where all
those bodies ended up?
PAM: The police already
did an extensive search.
Like, years ago, and I bet back then
they didn't have stuff like this.
Metal detector.
Ultra-wide band radar scanners.
Infrared camera.
Now, who's ready to find some bodies?
MORGUE: Oh, look!
Chemical stains.
Grandmother's secret stash of poisons.
MORGUE: That's her stash of poisons,
all right.
Gin.
Brandy.
[METAL DETECTOR WHIRRING]
- Are these iron walls?
- PAM: Like I said, all metal.
You said steel.
MORGUE: Any objection
if I open this wall?
SAM: Be my guest.
[GRUNTING]
SAM: Looks like some kind of vault.
Oh, my God.
This is it.
Grandmother's corpse locker.
SAM: You know how to open a safe?
Like I said, I love true crime.
I just know this is where
grandmother hid the bodies.
That should do it.
Would you like to do the honors, Pamela?
[DOOR CREAKING]
MORGUE: Looks like Old Lady Spinster
was just a spinster.
No.
No, she must've used this sewing machine
to sew and then wear
the flesh of her victims.
I mean, there could be any
number of t*rture chambers
or secret passages in this house, or...
- PAM: doors in this thing.
- Just stop, okay? Stop it!
Or wait, there could be a latch
or something! There can be...
MORGUE: Face it, Pamela.
Old Lady Spinster never k*lled anyone.
- She was just crazy...
- I'm not crazy!
She didn't call you crazy, Pam, okay?
Now stop it.
Just because we haven't found any bodies
doesn't mean that
she didn't k*ll anyone.
She was a homicidal genius!
She was greater than Wuornos!
Greater than Bundy!
You will see the Spinster
name will live forever!
This place is a total scam.
The owners are complete whack jobs.
One-star rating only
'cause I can't give it zero.
Save the gas money and avoid
the Spinster m*rder House.
Trust me,
I wouldn't be caught dead here.
_
[SIGHING]
Whatever, I'll stop at a Starbucks.
SAM: You need to calm down.
We need her to live document.
You confronting her is
the last thing we need.
I can't believe it.
PAM: She doesn't believe any of it.
She's probably giving us
a bad review right now.
SAM: Can you blame her?
You're screaming and going
on like some crazy person.
MORGUE: Thank you, Old Lady Spinster.
PAM: What is that supposed to mean?
Let's hope you lead to an exit.
SAM: The writing's on the wall.
We've been losing money
for the last three years!
The roof leaks, the plumbing's sh*t.
PAM: Well, thank you!
Are you gonna fix it?
Maybe we can get that
little brat to go along.
SAM: How are you gonna do that?
Are you gonna thr*aten her,
or are you gonna pay her
with all the money we have?
Let's face it, this whole macabre bed
and breakfast thing is doomed.
And frankly, I'm happy that
grandma hasn't k*lled anybody
'cause now I don't
have to feel guilty over
being a part of some crazy family!
She wasn't crazy.
This is our home, Samuel,
and I will die before
I let that girl destroy
what we've built.
- SAM: You're scaring me.
- PAM: Good.
Maybe that's just what
the little bitch needs,
a good scare from an old ghost.
[THUNDER BOOMING]
[DOOR CREAKING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
Boy, sure is a good thing
I brought my mace!
It's made with ghost peppers.
You know, to keep away the ghosts?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Oh, Pamela, is that you?
- PAM: Ow!
- I could've sworn
it was the ghost of that crazy old lady.
PAM: She's not crazy!
Really? Take a look at yourself.
This isn't a m*rder house.
It's a crazy house.
Are you recording this?
- Stop it.
- MORGUE: Oh, no way.
This might be my favorite sh*t of you.
Give me that phone.
Give me that phone! Give me that phone!
MORGUE: You wanted people to
see Old Lady Spinster, huh?
- Shut up!
- So here she is!
I'm looking right at her,
crazy Old Lady Spinster!
You want a m*rder house?
I'll give you a m*rder house.
[SCREAMING]
Are you out of your f*cking mind?
[GRUNTING]
You can't hide from me.
This is my house.
[WAILING] Beware!
Pam?
- [DOOR RATTLING]
- MORGUE: Where's the latch?
I know it's here somewhere.
Yes!
Hello, Mr. Modem.
Okay.
[MODEM BEEPING]
Full signal. Let's do this.
Help!
I'm trapped in the Spinster house!
[SCREAMING]
- [GRUNTING]
- PAM: [GROANS]
Somebody call !
I'm at the Spinster house!
She's gonna k*ll me!
[SCREAMING]
- MORGUE: Pam.
- Isn't this what you always wanted?
MORGUE: Please, please, I'm sorry, okay?
Some real true crime in your life?
MORGUE: [SCREAMING] No!
- [AXE THWACKING]
- [MORGUE GROANING]
[CHIMES BEEPING]
_
[BEEPING CONTINUES]
Sam? We have to get the carpet cleaned.
I think...
I think the hardware store opens at six.
Sam, I need your help.
- Sam?
- SAM: I'm right here, sis.
After all, maybe grandmother
didn't k*ll anybody,
so we can still make
this a m*rder house!
- [PAM GASPING]
- [SAM GRUNTING]
_
[PHONE RINGING]
SAM: Good afternoon.
Spinster m*rder-su1c1de House.
This is Sam. I am so sorry, ma'am,
but we have no vacancies
until next winter.
That's correct. Thank you, sir.
Well, if you sign up
for our Spinster m*rder-su1c1de
House mailing list,
you'll be one of the first notified of
any of our cancellations.
And we look forward
to seeing you too, ma'am.
[CHUCKLING]
Well, sis, I hate to admit it,
but you were right.
There's definitely a market for horror.
[LAUGHING]
WOMAN: No, no, no!
Please don't k*ll me, Miss Spinster!
[GRUNTING]
And now to join my
dear grandmother in hell.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[CHUCKLING]
[METAL CLANKING]
[SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
[LAUGHING]
Granny really was a serial k*ller!
[LAUGHING]
I'm gonna be rich!
- [DOOR SLAMMING]
- [SCREAMING]
_
[THUNDER BOOMING]
[LAUGHING]
_
_
HARLAN: There's a new sheriff
in town, Mr. Bug,
and his name's Harlan King.
Requiestcat in pace, Beetlejuice.
[GRUNTING AND CHUCKLES]
Who's next? You know what today is?
It's eight-legged Armageddon day.
Well, now that's really pretty,
little lady.
Time to die.
[CHUCKLING]
Pretty sh*t to hell and gone.
Pretty frickin' dead!
[LAUGHING]
Hello?
_
HARLAN: King Pest Control?
[CHIMES RINGING]
HARLAN: Shh.
[CHIMES RINGING]
King Pest Control.
[SCOFFING]
"Step into my parlor,"
said the assh*le spider
to the terror-dominant fly.
"Why, it's mass insecticide!"
The King has arrived!
Excuse me, Mr. King,
I'm with a patient, working,
- as you're supposed to be.
- I'm done already.
Stinkbugs, spiders, moths, worms.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Kaput.
Just a couple of birds.
Not many. I left them on the porch.
Please wait in the parlor.
Oh, well, first,
I need you to remit my fee
as per our agreement,
which I believe came before
this easy chair action?
BRENDA: I'll be right with you.
Sorry, I can't bring
all the creepy-crawlies
back to life and k*ll
'em all over again.
That's not how that works, doctor.
A little professional courtesy
would be nice, just sayin'.
[SIGHS]
Now, you and me, we're kind of
in the same business, aren't we, doc?
Help people eliminate little problems.
Please stop talking.
Mr. King, I trust this is the last time
I will ever see you.
Please feel free to lose my number.
Oh, sure, no problem.
Just, uh, call me whenever
you want me back.
What makes you think I
would ever want you back?
'Cause there's only one King,
and I'm it, doc.
They call back always. You will too.
Bye-bye.
_
She doesn't know who she's talking to.
She doesn't know how to
deal with the public.
"Lose my number!"
Yeah, we'll see about that.
You'll call back.
[BELL RINGING]
Roaches check in,
but they don't check out.
HARLAN: All right,
you guys know the drill.
Be fruitful and multiply.
The King has spoken.
Damn it.
Is it East Willard or
West Willard Boulevard?
- [ENGINE SPUTTERING]
- No, no, no, no, shh.
You're not gonna crap
out on me too, are you?
Gonna be stranded
in this flooded toilet.
Don't do it. Do not do it.
Shh, come on.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
HARLAN: Well, that's great.
Don't bother to have any
numbers on the buildings.
Y'ello? King Pest Control!
The King has arrived!
[HARLAN CLAPPING]
Yo?
King Pest Control? You cry, bugs die.
You got about seconds before
- I get out of here.
- Mr. King?
- Yeah, that'd be me.
- Thank you for coming.
My name is Murdoch.
You may call me Mr. Murdoch.
I appreciate your time.
I already know that
your services are in great demand.
Uh, yeah, right, yeah.
There's only one King.
[CHUCKLING] Of course.
So what's the problem?
Do I gotta guess?
Uh, look, I can handle anything
from fleas to alligator infestations.
MURDOCH: I have no doubt whatsoever
as to your efficacy, Mr. King.
You come very highly recommended.
Really? A referral? Who?
MURDOCH: Well,
I'm not at liberty to reveal that,
but I do know that you come
from decades of experience,
a family trade, in fact,
handed down from your uncle,
currently incarcerated?
Hey, what's that gotta do with anything?
Oh, apologies. [CHUCKLING]
Oh, it's immaterial.
It has no bearing at
all on our business.
Tell me, Mr. King,
would you enjoy owning
a new service van?
HARLAN: What do you mean?
The one I got's okay.
Well, I could hear you
coming from half a mile away.
Oh, listen, don't be upset.
I believe that I could
be the solution of
many such problems of yours,
provided you help me
with problems of mine.
Special dr*gs for special bugs,
Mr. Murdoch.
- I make vermin die squirmin'.
- Quite.
Well, permit me to apprise
you of my problem.
My vermin problem.
See, I have...
I've owned this property
for quite some time.
In fact, I have several just like it,
and I'm poised to have them
all razed and refurbished
into condominium complexes.
If I'm satisfied with your results,
there could be a great deal more work
just like this for you, full-time work.
[CHUCKLING]
Well, twist my arm, lead me to it.
My problem is I can't
begin the renovations
until my infestation
issue has been dealt with.
Come take a look.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
HARLAN: Oh, easy-peasy.
No mystery there.
Rats are attracted to the food waste
these vagrants leave lying around,
plus fetid garbage, plus human waste.
I got just the cocktail.
Nitrobenzene plus brotophyllocum.
Vitamin K antagonist anticoagulant.
Kills rats dead.
Hell, it'll k*ll rabbits, possums.
Just about anything.
I didn't say anything about rats,
Mr. King.
You did mention something
about human waste?
Well, there you go.
I've tried every conventional
method of removing them.
The city officials have been no help.
The civil authorities claim
it's not their responsibility.
I've had the police
remove them several times.
I've run out of options.
You want me to get rid of these people?
I want you to resolve my vermin issue.
Do you know what they
cook in those kettles?
Animals! Stray dogs and cats.
I shudder to think what
else they might be cooking.
You know what,
I don't do m*rder for
hire. I'm outta here.
That's all you do, Mr. King!
Who do you think you're kidding?
No, no, no, no!
This is not the same
as anything that I do!
Of course it is! Here.
Look before you leave, as they say.
Now that is a lot of money.
Surely one of your
special chemical cocktails
will do the trick.
dr*gs for bugs, as you say.
After all, you are the King.
Aren't you?
All hail the King.
HARLAN: Okay, okay, maybe just one.
I-I-I could... I mean, I could do one.
_
- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]
- [ANIMAL HOWLING]
[COUGHING]
It ain't worth it.
Now wait a minute. Sir?
- [MAN LAUGHING]
- HARLAN: Sir?
[GRUNTING]
[BLOW THUDDING]
[GROANING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[GAGGING]
[HARLAN GASPING]
[BUBBLING]
_
_
_
_
[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]
Damn it.
How dare you,
you frickin' little monster?
In my house? My house?
Gotta give you credit for some balls.
[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]
[HEAVY BREATHING]
[MURDOCH CLAPPING]
A for effort, Mr. King.
Unfortunately, you lost
your nerve, didn't you?
Is that Murdoch?
That means you're not the King,
doesn't it?
No, no, no, what are you doing?
MURDOCH: Oh, and one more thing.
[COUGHING]
MURDOCH: Now you really are King.
[LAUGHING]
The crap is it now?
Oh.
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[COUGHING]
[SIRENS WAILING]
They must've ate it all.
The soup, the poison, every one of 'em.
[PHONE BEEPING]
[PHONE RINGING]
You've reached Murdoch Ventures Limited.
- Please leave a succinct...
- [PHONE BEEPING]
HARLAN: Ah, the hell with you too,
you one-percent shitbag.
[ENGINE TURNING]
[VAN BEEPING]
[SPRAY HISSING]
[HUMMING]
[INSECT BUZZING]
God. See, come on.
[GRUMBLING]
[SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
God!
[WINGS FLUTTERING]
[STAMMERING] Holy sh*t!
[INSECT SCREECHING]
[SCREAMING]
[HEAVY BREATHING]
[ANIMALS CHITTERING]
Damn it, leave me the hell alone!
[MUTTERING]
[CHITTERING CONTINUES]
[SCREAMING]
[PHONE BEEPING]
We're sorry. The number you dialed...
sh*t! sh*t!
[INSECTS BUZZING]
What the hell?
[SPIDER GROWLING]
[SPIDER HISSING]
[SCREAMING]
[GROVELING]
[SCREAMING]
DEBRA: Mr. King.
Mr. King.
Can you hear me?
What are you doing here?
I need your help.
I mean, I need to talk to you.
You're hurt. I called an ambulance.
No! No ambulance, please.
You said you listen to people
and you help them with their problems.
Yes, but you obviously
need medical attention.
I'm not equipped.
No, no, no, no, no, please,
I've done something!
I've done something bad
and I need your help!
You have to help me!
[SIGHING] Okay. Okay.
[SIGHING] What's going on?
HARLAN: I don't know why I said yes.
I was gonna say no,
but then I saw the guy
with the briefcase and I was like, oh,
and I thought all that dough
could solve all my problems and...
Mr. King, you need to slow down.
Take a breath.
Now tell me, what did he want you to do?
"Do what you do best."
That's what he said.
"Now they're practically dead already.
They eat dogs and cats
and maybe even people."
Who is it that said this to you?
[SOBBING]
The devil. [CHUCKLING]
The man who showed up in your bedroom
in the middle of the night in a dream
and now cannot be found,
according to you.
I dropped it into the soup,
the strongest cocktail I got.
I spent years developing it.
It's a joke. It's my joke.
It's, um, kind of a...
What do you call it?
A mixologist of the trade,
the right drug for the right bug?
Nitrobenzene,
brotophyllocum, pyrethroids?
They tried to ban it,
but if you know the ingredients,
you can roll your own.
- _
- That all sounds wonderful, Mr. King.
I'm sure you're very
good at what you do.
- I know what you're thinking.
- [GASPS]
You're thinking I've got some kind of
overblown guilt complex!
Well, I'm beginning to think
you need a cocktail too!
Bottoms up, doc!
- [SCREAMING]
- [HARLAN LAUGHING]
DEBRA: Guilt can be a powerful drug...
but so is sleep deprivation.
You haven't had any sleep
in a long time, have you?
[SOBBING] No.
How could I?
They come even when I'm asleep.
I see.
I think you need to sit back,
close your eyes,
and maybe take a nap.
I can fetch you some warm herbal tea,
if you think
that might help.
I've got a roach problem now,
and I think I know why.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
No.
No, no, no!
- No, no.
- [FOOTSTEPS PLODDING]
- Oh, great.
- Hey, doctor?
Doctor, help? Doctor, help me, please!
Please help me!
Please, it's me, Harlan King!
- You said you'd help!
- DEBRA: Damn roaches.
Doc? Doctor? Doc?
It's me, Harlan! Is that the drug?
What are you doing? You said you'd help!
No, no, doctor, please, it's me!
It's me, please! Help me!
Please, help me!
What are you doing, it's Harlan!
Please, no, no, no, no, no!
No, it's me! It's me!
- DEBRA: Damn it.
- [SOBBING] No, please! Please!
[SOBBING] No!
[DEBRA GRUNTING]
[BELL RINGING]
Coming.
Hello, doctor. Bug problem?
[CHUCKLING]
[LAUGHING]