01x01 - So Your Gor-Monite Child Is Going to Explode

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(alarm blaring)

(alarm dying)

Morning, sunshine.
Up and at 'em.

(groaning)

Your morning attitude?
It's off-putting.

I'm gonna need you
to watch your sister

for a couple hours today, okay?

(sighs)
Babysitting.

If you've got a younger sibling,

you're gonna get roped
into it sooner or later.

Thankfully,
I pretty much rule at it.

Crazy idea.

What if we spent the day
making a new...

chore wheel?

Liv, I love you, I do,

but someone needs to
save you from yourself.

What if, instead,
we spent this bucks

Mom left us
in case of emergencies?

But this isn't an emergency.

If we're talking chore wheels,

this is as dire as it gets.

Olivia: Um... you're sure we
need Sugar-Frosted Blammo Bombs?

The fact that you even have to
ask that tells that me we do.

Get climbin'.

Um... these shelves
don't feel super-sturdy.

Are you watching me?

Of course I am.

(sighs) Well, there's no
swelling, so that's good.

You sure you're okay?

I'm fine.
Plus, how could I be mad?

You introduced me to these guys.

See? Babysitting's
a piece of cake.

I'm Gabby Duran,
and this is the story of how I became

the best babysitter
in the galaxy.

♪ I do my thing
Don't try to fit in ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, I do my thing ♪

♪ ♪

Aw, Katrina and Michelle!

I miss those girls.
You should call them.

There's no reason you girls
can't still be friends.

Mom, it's been three weeks,
and we moved eight states away.

They moved on.

They have not moved on.

They've already replaced me.

You see this girl?
I don't know this girl.

Say hello to Gabby . .
The new me.

Can we just move back to Miami?

Gabby, I know this
has been hard for you,

but it is what's best
for the family.

I mean, the school district
here has a gifted program

that can challenge Olivia in ways
that her other school just couldn't.

And Mom was offered an
on-air position for Local .

I'm on mugs now!

Mugs, Gabby!

Wow, that does actually
make me feel better.

- Really?
- Nope.

Look, I'm glad that
you two have a new job

and a new school,
but what do I have here?

You will find something, Gabby.
I know you.

Pretty soon, you're gonna
get your picture on a mug.

You know,
metaphorically speaking.

♪ ♪

Join the Mysteries
of Havensburg Club.

Hey, do you have a second to...

You! You look like
a person who might wanna...

Cool, we'll talk later!

Gabby!

Care to join the Mysteries
of Havensburg Club?

We investigate weird and potentially
paranormal occurrences around the town.

You know, ghosts, Big Feet,

Dobek the Janitor.

(eerie music playing)

I think he's been
collecting student garbage.

I'm pretty sure the reason is
paranormal-slash-supernatural in nature.

I'd bring my trash home
with me if I were you.

So, you interested
in signing up?

We could use a second member.

You know, it weirdly does
sound kinda fun, but...

I don't think I'm gonna be
in this town for much longer.

Man (over P.A.): Gabby Duran
to the principal's office. Now.

I'm getting
kicked out of school.

♪ ♪

Mmmm.

A curious thing happened

as I stepped out
to my automobile today.

♪ ♪

It said "Gabby Duran did this"
with your student I.D.

So tell me, Gabby, was
the sprayed paint correct?

Did you indeed cover my
automobile with duct tape?

Yup. You caught me.
It was me.

Then, I suppose...

I need to thank you!

Clearly you were just
trying to protect it

from falling bird excrement.

And I must say,
I understand the impulse.

I, too, despise all these birds

and their free-wheeling,
excrete-as-you-may lifestyle.

It's an affront to
civilized people everywhere.

So thank you, Gabby,
for helping your fellow man.

So, am I getting kicked
out of school, or...?

I should think not.

Okay, then.

I want you to remember that
you left me with no choice.

- (screaming)
- (rock music playing)

What were you thinking?

He could have kicked
you out of school!

But, Mom, I...

I know. I know.
I went too far this time.

You duct-taped the man's car!

I just...

I wanna go back to my old life.

Gabby, this is your life now.

You have to try
and make the best of it.

I mean, look at your sister:
She was just named

Student of Month at her school.

Student of the Month?
We've only been here three weeks!

What can I say?
It's been a whirlwind.

Okay, well, we're gonna
need to get in front of this.

You and I are going over to
Principal Swift's house to apologize.

Going over to his house?

Look, Mom, I know I stepped
over the line this time,

but how about I just do it
at school tomorrow?

Because I don't know
that you will

do it at school tomorrow, Gabby.

I mean, you're trashing
principals' offices now?

Who knows what you're gonna do?

Fine. I'll go apologize.

But I'm gonna do it
on my own, okay?

So I can prove to you I'm a
responsible, trustworthy person.

Oh, Gabby, wait.

Bring him one of these.

What? People love mugs.

♪ ♪

Doesn't even trust me
to apologize.

My own mother!

(door bell ringing)

Hello?

(door bell ringing rapidly)

Principal Swift?

Way to pick a super
creepy house, guy.

- (suspenseful music playing)
- (crows cawing)

Anybody?

(shouting): I'm % not
coming back here again!

Well, I guess this was all
just one big waste of...

- (screaming)
- (roaring)

- (Gabby screaming)
- (monster roaring)

- Get away from me, you...
- Ow! Listen!

Whatever you are!

Ow! Time out!
Time out! Time out!

What is going ahhhh...

(groaning)

♪ ♪

Orb: Consciousness detected.
State your name.

State my name?
State your name!

I have rights, you know!
You can't just go and...

Orb: Subject hostile.
Begin probing sequence.

(laser powering up)

Gabby:
Hey! Don't you get any closer!

I, uh, took two years of karate!

Orb: Probability assessment:
Subject is lying.

♪ ♪

(electricity crackles)

Gabby:
Principal Swift?

What is going on?

Come, Gabby.
There is much to discuss.

Okay, first item to discuss:

Where are we?!

(chuckles)

My basement.

♪ ♪

Oooh, yummy!
(lip-smacking)

- So, you two are...
- Aliens, yes.

Jeremy and I are Gor-Mons.

We are shapeshifters
from the planet Gor-Mona.

Uh, shrimp cocktail?

I'm told it's a very
popular human meal.

- I'm good, thanks.
- Oh.

Also, I don't think you're
supposed to eat the tails.

Oh! Mmmm. Ah.
(clears throat)

Well, there. When in Rome.
(chuckling)

Now, Jeremy is heir to
the Gor-Monite throne.

But there are some on our planet
who would be less than happy

to see Jeremy rise to
the position of Supreme Leader.

You get in my mouth, shrimp!

Really? That kid?

- (scoffs) Can't imagine why.
- Yes.

Now, as his uncle,
it is my job to keep him hidden here

until he comes of age.

Keeping our alien
identities a secret

is of the utmost importance.

However, Jeremy has certain
behavioral challenges

that can complicate things.

Stupid thing's broken!
I'm calling the police!

Oh, stop that!

Now, my job at the school

helps us to blend in
seamlessly to Earth culture...

(gagging, choking)

(chuckling):
Sorry. Shrimp tail.

But what it also means

is that I can't watch
him all the time.

Now, as such,
I require a good babysitter.

Now, that is where you come in.

Whoa, whoa, hold up.
Babysitting?

- That's what this is about?
- Mm-hmm.

Sorry to say but you got
the wrong kid, Swifty.

Gabby, Gabby, Gabby, Gabby,
Gabby, Gabby, Gabby, Gabby.

I have precisely the right kid.

Now, you may be
the most fearless,

resourceful human
I have ever met.

The way you handled
yourself in the basement.

The way you att*cked Jeremy
when he revealed

his true,
admittedly hideous self.

(chuckles) The way you
nobly shielded my car

from the droppings
of those foul, vile birds.

- Again, that's really not...
- Gabbity Gab Gab...

There is something
special about you.

Now, if anyone on Earth
can babysit Jeremy...

you can.

Wait. You want her
to babysit me?

Yes, Jeremy.

That is literally what we've been
talking about this entire time.

No way! Humans are gross!

And that one
smells like taquitos.

Hey! Taquitos are awesome!
You're gross!

- You're gross!
- Jeremy...

Jeremy, why don't you
go and help yourself

to an ice cream sandwich
from the freezer?

Free ice cream sandwich? Baller.

But this isn't over, human.

You and me are now
serious frenemies.

So. What do you think?

Yeah. I'm in.

♪ ♪

Wesley!

Oh! Look who didn't get
kicked out of school!

Yep. I guess
I'm here to stay.

Speaking of which,
does that club of yours

ever talk about, like...
aliens?

Um, only all the time.

I've never actually
been able to prove

the existence of aliens
in Havensburg, though.

- Oh.
- If they are here, they are super good at blending in.

- Yeah.
- So, does this mean you wanna join the club?

- Sure. Why not?
- Wait. Really?

Yeah. You seem cool.

And I'm starting to think this club is
something I should really be a part of.

Yes! You are not
gonna regret this!

♪ ♪

"Mr. Principal Swift."

So, your first name
is "Principal"?

Yes.

Your name is just
"Principal Swift"?

Yes, Gabby. Of course!

How else would people know
that I'm a principal?

Wait. So you
go to the dentist...

Gabby, please!

Please, we need to finish
going through the rules.

Now, "Rules :

Absolutely no soda pop
of any sort."

No soda? Why not?

Well, that was
covered extensively

in the orientation
materials I gave you.

Now, you did read the
orientation materials I gave you?

(blows raspberry)

Of course!
I mean, who doesn't love

long, boring binders
of instruction?

Exactly!

Now, I'm holding a mandatory
safety seminar for the teachers,

and I should be back
in a few hours.

Oh, and you will need this.

Cool. One super old phone.

No. One incredibly powerful
piece of alien technology

to aid you in your
babysitting duties.

Now, as you can see,
I have disguised it

to seamlessly blend
into Earth culture.

I won't waste time
explaining how to use it,

as that was also
covered extensively

in the orientation
materials I gave you.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

- (buttons beeping)
- (laser blasting)

Gabby, you are now responsible

for the future leader
of an entire planet.

I'm placing a lot
of trust in you.

Swifty, come on!

I got this!
Everything is gonna be fine!

♪ ♪

(belches)

You were right.
Taquitos rule.

Told ya, kid.
I got mad wisdom.

(phone beeping)

Whoa.

So, what's up with
your shapeshifting, huh?

Can you just, like, change
into whatever you want, or...?

I wish!

Gor-Mons are
digestive shapeshifters,

which means I can only
change into things I eat.

So you, like... ate a kid?

The hair of one.

Cool, cool.

(phone beeps off)

I can't believe Principal
let you use that.

He never lets me do anything
because he thinks I'll mess up

and let everyone
know we're aliens.

You know, I've never
even gone bowling.

Or to the movies.
Or a drive-thru.

Seriously? You've never
been to a drive-thru?

That's messed up, man.
Drive-thrus rule.

(gritting teeth):
I bet they do!

Sometimes I just wish
he trusted me more, you know?

Yeah, I know how that goes.

My mom doesn't really
trust me, either.

Even though I'm pretty much like
the most responsible person I know.

(gurgling)

Ummm...

What's happening to me?

Uh... probably nothing.

But still...

- Principal: Yes, Gabby?
-Hey Swifty, quick question:

Hypothetically, if Jeremy's
stomach was, like, uh...

(groaning)

bubbling a little,
what would that be all about?

Well, Jeremy assimilates
the molecular structure

of anything he ingests.

So, if you gave him
soda pop, for example,

it would mean that
his body has absorbed

the volatile, carbonated
qualities of the drink,

effectively turning him
into a time b*mb

that would explode
in approximately one hour,

destroying him and anything
else in a hundred-foot radius.

But you definitely did not
give him soda pop, correct?

♪ ♪

You really think I'd do
something that irresponsible?

Honestly, it's like you
don't even know me at all.

Very well, then.
I have to go. Bye-bye!

So, don't make a whole
big thing of this, but...

it looks like
you're gonna blow up.

♪ ♪

Okay, no need to panic.
We've got like...

Like minutes
to figure this out.

I'm gonna be okay,
though, right, Gabby?

I mean, after I blow up?

Um... yeah, sure. Why not?

Bingo! Orientation materials!

Okay, here we go.

"To prevent expl*si*n,
feed your child sodium silicate,

"a mineral found in
the soil of Zzzanzar VII,

"some poly-dimensional
light beings,

and Gor-Monite breath mints."

Mmmm.

That's it! Swift's always
popping those weird mints!

Baller!
I'll just call him and...

No way, you doof!
He cannot find out about this.

Wait. I thought we didn't
want me to blow up.

Jeremy, do you see
that mantle over there?

My whole life, my mom
and sister have been

doing these great things
and getting all these awards.

But me? I've always just
been the family screw-up.

But this babysitting job is my
chance to do something great, too.

Principal Principal Swift
is trusting me

with one of the most important
jobs in the galaxy,

and I am not about to make
him think I can't do it.

Now, let's do
the responsible thing

and go steal some breath mints.

Abdominal thrust!
Abdominal thrust!

Now, it's very important
to always wear a hat.

You sure about this?

No, you're right.
Let's just go home and let you explode!

C'mon, trust me!
I'm a wizard!

Wesley:
Gabby?

Oh! Hi, Wesley!

What, uh... what are you
doing here after school?

Well, I left some
trash in my locker

and I gotta get to it
before Dobek does,

'cause my DNA's
all over that stuff.

Mm-hmm.

- What are you doing here?
- Me? I... I'm...

We're here to steal my uncle's
breath mints, so I don't explode.

I'm Jeremy, by the way.

- I'm an ali... en.
- (Wesley grunts)

Sorry, bud.
Couldn't let you hear that last part.

Okay, now we just
need a distraction

so we can get those min...

(condor screeches)

How would you feel about
eating some dead bird?

And one more abdominal thrust!

Now, that brings us
to our next issue:

My automobile is currently
covered in duct tape.

Can anyone give me a ride home?

♪ ♪

(screeching)

- (teachers screaming)
- Ah! I knew this day would come!

- (condor screeching) - Principal:
You couldn't defile my vehicle,

so you come for me
instead, eh, bird?

Well, come at me!

Now, no one panic!
I will establish dominance!

Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw!
I'm the boss!

I'm the boss here!
Ka-kaw!

Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw!

Ka-kaw! I'm the boss!
I'm the boss here! Ka-kaw!

- Ahhhh!
- (condor screeches)

(sighs)

- It's about time!
- Sorry.

That guy really hates birds!

- Did you get the mints?
- Right here.

- Gabby: Empty?
- Jeremy: No mints.

(stomach gurgling)

(sighing):
I'm gonna blow up.

You know, I'm starting to think

you might not be
a very good babysitter.

No. I'm a great babysitter!

We've still got one more sh*t.

- Hey, Swifty!
- Gabby, what are you...

(coughs)

(heroic music playing)

(squeals)

- I did it! I caught food in my mouth!
- Yeah!

Also, you're not gonna die!

That, too!

(both laughing)

Principal:
Ahem!

What you two did today
was completely reckless

and could have easily resulted
in Jeremy's expl*si*n.

However, it did not.

And you did display
remarkable poise and ingenuity

in an emergency situation,

which should probably
count for something.

So... am I fired?

Well, given the circumstances,

I think it's fair to let
you off with a stern warning,

provided nothing
like this ever...

ever happens again.

And you, Jeremy.
That aerial att*ck was...

very convincing.

If you could convince me you were
one of those winged abominations,

perhaps I've underestimated you.

And maybe to make up for that,

you two could pick up some
drive-thru on the way home?

(groaning)
Well, I suppose so.

- Baller.
- Also, can I borrow some of your trash?

I sort of did something
to a friend of mine

and need to make it up to him.

(Wesley groaning)

What happened?

"Stop asking questions."

Trash.

Dobek.

I was right!

So. What do you think?

I figure we can put it
on the mantle downstairs.

"Daughter of the Month"?
Mom, this is incredibly lame.

(sighs)
I know.

It's just that
Principal Swift told me

what a great job you did
babysitting for him.

And I'm sorry I've been
so hard on you lately.

I know this whole moving
thing hasn't been easy.

Yeah, well, I suppose I probably

could have handled
things a bit better.

It's true.
But that's how we learn.

I'm proud of your growth, sis.

Thanks, Liv.

Oh! I also... got you this.

What? People love mugs!

♪ ♪

Principal: Thank you for
coming on such short notice.

Ah, that's what
babysitting geniuses are for.

So, what's up?

♪ ♪

What the...?

Principal: Jeremy and I
aren't the only aliens

who need babysitting help.

Hi!

Hello.

(water bubbling)

♪ ♪

Wow!

One of you smells real bad.

Next time on Gabby Duran
and the Unsittables...

I'm Gabby, your new babysitter?

I wanna go out in the world!

(screaming)

Wesley is a good person.

But he must never discover
the existence of aliens.

(both screaming)