04x02 - Stocko Syndrome

[bunniefuu]

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

I'm Pamela.

- In here, in here, or in here,
or in here... - (LAUGHING)

CAROL: She's all over my husband.

PAMELA: I overheard what you
said about cutting me loose.

I'll take real good
care of Tandy. Bye!

Look on the bright side.

We have our very own island.

(TANDY STRAINING)

(PANTING)

("Sailing" by Christopher Cross playing)

PAMELA: Well, hello there.

Ah, I love this song.

♪ Well, it's not far down to paradise ♪

♪ At least it's not for me ♪

♪ If the wind is right... ♪
Come on, sing with me.

You wish.

Fine, be a song-pooper.

Open your mouth, 'cause
I'm gonna put an ear in it.

(LAUGHING)

Sorry, I know that was
a little corny.

(LAUGHING)

Well, this guy liked it.

(SILLY VOICE): I love
that joke, heh-heh-heh.

(LAUGHS)

What's your endgame here, Pamela?

You think if you feed me enough corn,

I'm just gonna suddenly forget

that you stranded my pregnant
wife on a deserted island?

Need I remind you, your pregnant wife...

If she is indeed pregnant...

Was planning to ditch me
the second they hit land.

Oh, please. If you think you
have any kind of sh*t with me,

you're insizzy in the membrizzy.

Then I guess you've never
heard of Stockholm syndrome?

Of course I have.

But, uh, for G-Gary,
will you explain it?

Sure.

Gary, Stockholm syndrome
is when a hostage

starts to sympathize
with their captor...

Uh, uh, with their captor!

Yeah, uh-huh. Know it well.

(WHISPERS): That's never gonna happen.

Well, it is very common.

In fact, sometimes people
even... fall in love.

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?!

Wait a minute.

She'd love that, wouldn't she?

Gary, call the doctor

and tell him to put on
a fresh pot of coffee,

'cause the Tandyman's feeling
a little under the weather.

Yeah, looks like I'm coming down

with "Stocko syndome."

Well, I can barely
see the yacht anymore.

What do I do?! What do I do?!

There's no time to panic.

Just have to figure out a plan.

Melissa's right. Okay, let's see.

Erica, quick, hand me that fondue pot.

Uh, Jasper, that chocolate bar.

Now, has anybody seen any matches?

Todd, are you sure
you're working on a plan?

'Cause it sounds like you're
just making chocolate fondue.

It's called brain food, Gail.

I mean, it's like you
never made a plan before.

You know. Am-am I alone on this?

(BRANCH SNAPS)

What the gol is that?

- (LEAVES RUSTLING)
- ERICA: Hello?

Somebody there?

MAN (WHISPERS): Ow.

Show yourself!

TODD: Stay here. I'm gonna check it out.

MELISSA: Be careful, Todd.

MAN: Stop right there.

Okay.

What the hell is he doing?

Good God, he's going right in there.

Oh, I don't like the looks of this.

(SHOUTING)

(SCREAMING, GASPING)

TODD: It's okay, guys!

He just wants to touch
everybody's faces.

- No, no.
- No, no, no. - Ah...

- Oh, you're real.
- TODD: Hey, guys,

this is, uh, Glenn.

I-I'm sorry, I just, I...

I never thought this
day would come. I... I...

I-I'm being... I'm being rescued.

I'm going home. I'm going home!

(GLENN WHOOPS, CHUCKLES)

When does your boat come back?

Guys?

(TALKING QUIETLY)

(QUIETLY): Okay, Gary,
here goes nothing.

(LOUDLY): Gary...

how long have we been on this boat?

I mean, it feels like months,
but that can't be right.

I mean, I'm so disoriented.

Up is down, day is night...

hate is love.

I feel so different in so many ways.

Take, for instance, Carol.

I mean, I care about her,

but it's feeling more
like a friendship now.

And you're not gonna believe this,

but you know that woman
Pamela from the boat?

Man, I'm crushing on
her so hard right now.

Yes, it's a boner, Gary.

You'd get one, too,

if you couldn't stop
thinking about Pamela.

(SOBBING): Oh, God, I'm so confused.

Look, until I can sort out my feelings,

I'm just gonna keep on
pretending like I hate Pamela.

Oh, my God, she's coming,
she's coming, she's coming.

Tandy?

You hungry?

Get bent!

Wow, you sound like
you're very upset with me.

Duh, duh!

Still thinking about... what's her name?

Her name, for your information,

is Pamela... uh, Karen... Carol!

Oh, that's right...
Carol Andrew Pil-Pamela...

Uh, basian! Pilbasian!

Carol Pamela Pilbasian!

Carol Andrew Pilbasian!

Get out of here! Get out of here!

All right, if that's what you want.

(WHISPERS): That's what I want.

The trap's been set.

Looks like our mouse has
a weakness for cheese.

Tandy cheese.

Tandy! Tandy!

So, this is my place.

This is the main living
quarters over here,

and I have a seating area right there.

And my toilet's right
there, where Todd's standing.

Geez. (CLEARS THROAT)

What's this?

That is really nothing.

Oh, gosh, I know what this
probably looks like to you,

but this is not a sex doll.

Okay, I was lonely, and I created her

to have someone to talk to.

Oh.

And then the lines did blur,

and she became a sex doll.

But she did not start
as a sex doll, okay?

And I think that that's
an important distinction.

You can probably tell that I modeled her

after Eva Mendes.

Yeah, she was a beautiful woman.

Was? What do you mean?

Oh, no.

She didn't have a bunch
of work done, did she?

Uh... uh, Glenn,

how long have you been on this island?

About five years.

Oh, my God.

Is there something
you're not telling me?

What happened to her face?

It...

- d*ed.
- TODD: Yeah.

And her body joined it.

GLENN: Oh, God, no. How did that happen?

No, no, don't tell me. I
do not handle death well.

Gosling must be devastated.

Well, I hope your brows are ready...

Latisse time. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, girl.

I guess you're not mad at me anymore.

Oh, I'm super mad!

And I want to give you a spanking.

Get over here.

This is moving a little
faster than I thought.

Yeah?

Well, I haven't even hit second gear.

♪ Well, it's not far down to paradise ♪

♪ At least it's not for me ♪

♪ If the wind is right,
you can sail away ♪

♪ And find tranquility ♪

♪ Oh ♪

BOTH: ♪ The canvas can do miracles ♪

♪ Just you wait and see ♪

♪ Believe me ♪

♪ Sailing ♪

♪ Takes me away ♪

♪ To where I've always ♪

♪ Heard it could be ♪

♪ Just a dream and
the wind to carry me ♪

♪ And soon I will be free. ♪

Oh, Tandy, tell me this isn't a trick.

Trix are for kids, and I'm years old.

I wasn't born yesterday, you know.

Good, 'cause I would
never do this to a baby.

(PAMELA MOANING)

Tandy. Tandy.

Yes, my love?

Do you think that
there's a chance that...

that I bought any of that?

Bought what, my love?

Stop it!

I was alone in a bunker for three years,

so you'll excuse me if I'm

Michael Jackson's doctor right now...

All out of patience.

Please don't sh**t me. Please
don't... please, please...

Let me be direct.

You're mine now. No more games.

Do you hear me?

Loud, clear, and wet from urine.

Think, Tandy, think.
Every minute that passes,

you sail further away from
your wife and unborn child.

Oh, Carol, everything
I see reminds me of you.

Your various creams and ointments...

your nipples, of course.

Always giving me grief about
my razor-sharp toenails.

Speaking of razor-sharp,

I just need to find
something razor-sharp

to cut through these damn ropes.

Wait a minute.

(SWORD BLADES CLANG)

Bingo.

TODD: Hey, Glenn?

GLENN: Hmm?

You know, we-we have something

pretty heavy we got to tell you.

Sure. Go ahead.

Well, y-you know, you seem
like an optimistic guy.

You know, someone who
sees the bright side,

even on the... darkest of days.

Only % of the time. (LAUGHS)

Good, trust me, 'cause.

- And you know why?
- Wh...

Because I always picture that moment...

Moment?

The moment I'm able to walk through

my front door again.

The first one to greet me is Tommy.

He's my oldest.

A little worker bee.

Next, little Penny comes
bounding down the steps.

She was our miracle baby.

Doctor said she wouldn't
make it to her th birthday.

I told that story at
her th birthday party.

And then little Dougie
comes marching in.

(CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES)

(VOICE BREAKING): He was our surprise.

Spitting image of his mom.

Which is a little
painful, because she d*ed

bringing him into this world.

(SNIFFLES)

(EXHALES): Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, what was it you
wanted to talk to me about?

Uh...

I, uh...

(VOICE BREAKING): farted.

Yeah.

But it-it was a while ago, you know,

so it's kind of a moot point now.

Do you know that I farted
four times during that story?

- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)

Now I just got to, like, launch this

over to the other side of the boat,

and as she goes to check it out,

then I grab the g*n, and, boom...

it's Tandy time.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, sh**t, sh**t, sh**t, sh**t!

What the hell?

Oh, God, what do I do? What do I do?!

- (GASPS)
- Hold it right there.

Put him down!

Or what? You sh**t me, he
goes right in the water.

Fine. He's an excellent swimmer.

Well, tell me, is he an excellent

being-eaten-avoider?

PAMELA: You wouldn't dare.

Tell me you can look into those
sweet little eyes and do it.

You're right.

But that won't be a problem...

- if I start with his butt.
- (GASPS)

Don't you dare eat his butt!

I'm about to do it. I'm about to do it.

Put him down, let him go.

I swear, I love the taste of dog meat.

I will sh**t your face.

I'll eat his butt. I will eat his butt!

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Put the g*n down!

Okay, okay. Okay.

Kick the g*n over to me.

Monster.

Oh, thank God.

Carol, I'm coming for you.

Just got to get back to the island.

Oh... farts.

How you holding up, Carol?

I'm starting to think that
we're never gonna get rescued.

Don't give up hope.

Sometimes that's all you got.

Yeah.

Look at me.

I should've given up years ago.

But I know that one day I'm
gonna see a plane out there

or a passing ship,

and I'm just gonna run up
to the top of that hill,

and I'm gonna light my signal fire

- and they're gonna...
- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You have a signal fire?

Well, what kind of man on
a deserted island would I be

without a signal fire?

We got to go light it for Tandy.

Carol, that boat is long gone.

You only get one sh*t
with the signal fire.

We have to save it for
a plane or for a boat.

But it's not gonna happen.

Not with that attitude, no.

No, it will never, ever happen.

Okay, I'm done with your negativity.

But please, just light the fire.

Look, I know you're upset about
your husband, but we can't...

But, Glenn, it is our only hope!

- How do you know that?
- Because everyone on Earth is dead!

There was a horrible virus...

and it took the whole world.

And we're all that's left.

So there's no planes.

There's no boats.

Except that one.

Oh, Jeremy.

What have we become?

CAROL: I didn't want to
have to tell you like that.

Five years without a
passing boat or a plane.

I was just being foolish.

You were being hopeful.

And sometimes hope's all we have.

I'm so sorry for taking yours away.

(SIGHS)

I guess we have a fire to start.

(BARKING)

Jeremy.

I knew I shouldn't have
given you that bowl of wine.

- (WHIMPERS, BARKS)
- What?

Tandy.

There's something you should see.

(TANDY CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

Care Bear.

Tandy!

(IN DISTANCE): Tandy!

(QUIETLY): Where are you, Tandy?

(FOGHORN HONKING)

Tandy.

Tandy! Tandy!

(IN DISTANCE): Tandy!

Carol!

Tandy!

(CAROL LAUGHS)

- Oh. Mmm.
- Mmm.

I thought I would never see you again.

I knew you'd give me a sign.

Well, that was actually Glenn.

Glenn?

Hello, Tandy.

I've heard nothing but
lovely things about you.

- Thanks, Glenn.
- Hi.

I say we leave her the hell here.

You're asking me, that's
letting her off easy.

Well, look, I'll do whatever
the group thinks is best,

but just so you know,

after I threatened to eat
her dog's butt to death

and got the g*n away from her,

she turned into a real team player.

TODD: So, what, are we supposed to just

let her back on the boat, Tandy?

That'd be like buying Freddy Krueger

a condominium on Elm Street.

I will never forgive that
woman, so my vote is a hard nay.

PAMELA: Hi.

Look, I know why you all hate me.

Right now I'm not too
crazy about me, either.

- (JEREMY SNEEZES)
- Bless you.

To be honest, I'm not quite
sure why I did what I did.

I'd love to blame it on being
in the bunker for so long,

but the truth is, I had
problems before that, too.

Starting to realize

maybe I'm just not meant
to be around people.

So I understand if you want to leave me.

Um, I'd probably do the same.

If I could just ask one favor.

Could you please take Jeremy with you?

He didn't do anything wrong.

Please?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Well, this is it.

We've had so many... oh, there he goes.

(QUIETLY): Okay.

Well...

safe travels.

- Well, that made that decision easy.
- Yup.

So, is that it?

You guys just gonna leave her here?

MELISSA: I mean, you
lived here for years

and look at you.

I had the hope of being rescued.

Can't imagine being left
here without that hope.

Okay, fine, she can come.

But on one condition.

PAMELA: Thank you!

Thank you! You won't regret this!

♪ Herman Cain is his name ♪

♪ So you better ride that train ♪

♪ Get on your knees
and pray for the Cain ♪

♪ You gotta pray for Cain ♪

It's a little cold out here.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

♪ Pray for Cain, yeah,
you pray for Cain ♪

♪ And then you get on your knees ♪

It's bumpy.

♪ And you thank the Lord
that the Lord has come ♪

♪ Yes, the Lord is Cain ♪

Can someone hand me a blanket?

♪ Pray for Cain, you
gotta pray for Cain ♪

♪ It's the Cain train ♪

S-So...

♪ Pray for Cain, you
gotta pray for Cain ♪

♪ It's the Cain train ♪

Did I mention that I'm sorry?

♪ Pray for Cain, you
gotta pray for Cain ♪

♪ It's the Cain train. ♪