04x05 - La Abuela

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The
Last Man On Earth...

Living apart will destroy this group.

MELISSA: Todd, wake up!
I don't know what's wrong!

- I think Todd had a heart att*ck!
- (MONITOR BEEPS)

TANDY: I'm glad you're still here, bud.

GAIL: Clearly, we're
much worse apart.

But if we're all gonna live together,

it's definitely not gonna
be in this crap-hole.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

- (RAPID g*nf*re IN DISTANCE)
- (MEN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

(RAPID g*nf*re)

(g*nsh*t)

(SHOTGUN PUMPS)

(RAPID g*nf*re)

(SHORT WHISTLE)

(g*nsh*t)

(SHOTGUN PUMPS)

(CAROL SIGHS)

This place has great energy.

- I think we're home.
- Mm.

Oh.

She looks nice.

Oh, here, honey, let me get that.

No, don't you dare.

You just had a heart att*ck.

Now, come on, hon. We don't
know it was a heart att*ck.

You were yelling "heart
att*ck" while it was happening.

You're overreacting, hon.

I promise you, I am fine.

I'm glad you have
this positive attitude,

but we can't take this lightly.

There are gonna have to be
a lot of changes around here.

No, okay, and that's fine, but
I can get my own bag, you know?

Todd.

(SIGHS)

Fine.

Be my guest.

(DAWN CRYING)

(SIGHS) Oh, my God, Dawn,
we get it, you're a baby!

Stop being such a stereotype.

Maybe you should just leave her outside.

Oh, I'm seriously
starting to consider it.

Oh, Dawn, I feel bad
even joking like that.

But seriously, Dawn,
shut your boob-hole.

- Amen to that.
- (CRYING CONTINUES)

GORDILLO: A rival cartel,

on my property, in my home,

just strolls through my gates.

It appears we have a snake in our midst.

No, Abuela, there-there is no snake.

Then it is your incompetence?

No-no, it was not my
fault. Uh, they disabled...

Prove to me that you
are not incompetent.

Ten seconds.

Uh...

GORDILLO: Close.

- Just four moves away.
- (RUBIK'S CUBE CLICKING)

Clean this up.

(QUIETLY): We have to do something soon.

Or we could be next.

Okay, grab some bubbles

and just wrap anything
that looks dangerous.

I'm talking choke-ables,
flammables, decapitate-ables.

Ooh! What do we have here?

- A little Rubik's Cube.
- Oh.

A little Ruby Booby.

Used to be pretty good at these, huh?

Ooh, and look at that.

A little Mexican flare.

They love their skulls down here.

Tandy, put that down, okay?

This house isn't gonna
baby-proof itself.

- Be right there.
- Tandy, this baby's due

any day now, and this place is
a disaster waiting to happen.

What about all that
talk about how this place

had such great energy?

Well, Shark Tanks
have great energy,

but that doesn't mean I'm
gonna walk into that room

without a great business plan.

Okay, lost me there.

Shark Tanks... The
TV show, not the thing.

Look, the point is, when you're
a little baby with a soft skull

and poor depth perception,
every house is a death trap.

But this one won't be, not
when we're through with it.

All right.

Now, will you be a dear
and bubble wrap that for me?

- This?
- Yeah.

- This thing right here?
- Uh-huh.

This appears to be a tube of bubble wrap

already bubble wrapped with bubble wrap.

And you would like me
to bubble wrap it again?

There's a fork in there.

(LIVELY SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Is it done?

Where did you place it?

Is that my piñata?

Sí, Abuela.

Tie it up.

Ay, que averguenza.

Just give up now.

Where you been, Hector?

HECTOR: It is your birthday.

I wanted your piñata to be just right.

No, no.

I want Panchito to have the first swing.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Course you can.

You've been a loyal and trusted friend.

But it is your birthday.

And when it is your birthday,
I will take the first swing.

Por supuesto, jefe.

(GRUNTING)

You can do better than that.

There.

It's right in front of you.

- MAN (IN DISTANCE): Federales!
- (g*nf*re)

GORDILLO: Vámonos, muchachos!

Pronto, vámonos!

(g*nshots, PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(g*nshots, MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

Alto!

CAROL: Well, these stairs
are an obvious hazard,

but nothing a couple
packing peanuts can't fix.

Packing peanuts?

Yeah, packing peanuts.

You don't want our
baby getting SIFILISS.

Syphilis?

SIFILISS.

- Syphilis?
- SIFILISS.

You know, Sudden Infant Falling

Into Large Indoor Spaces Syndrome?

Oh, I thought you meant the other one.

No, I'm talking about the bad one.

Hello, Todd. New wheels?

Yup. Melissa wants me to
stay off my feet, so...

MELISSA: Todd.

Where's your helmet?

(GROANS) I got it.

Can you put it on, please?

(INHALES) You know, I
just really don't think

I need a helmet, hon.

Todd, you have another
heart episode, you pass out,

you fall out of your
chair, you hit the floor,

boom, you're dead.

Okay, put it on.

Ooh, Speed Racer over there.

See? It's cute.

GAIL: Well, this has been fun.

Take it easy, Knievel.

Let me know if you jump any buses later.

(TODD SIGHS)

MELISSA: Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

- What?
- That's not for you.

That's for us, okay.

This is for you.

Try this. You're gonna love it.

Great. If I were a starfish,
I'd be in friggin' heaven.

MELISSA: Hey, mister.

Strap up, please.

I want to hear it click.

Did you hear it?

Ridiculous.

(DAWN CRYING)

God. Oh, my God.

Is she still fussing?

No. She's super calm, Gail.

She's loving life.

Friggin' Mary Poppins over here.

Okay, blow it out your butt.

- I'm on your team here.
- I'm sorry, I just...

Ugh. I don't know what to do.

Okay, well, lucky for you,
this ain't my first rodeo.

Have you tried whiskey on her lips?

No.

- Scotch?
- No.

- Wine?
- No.

Vodka? Schnapps?

A teeny bit of Listerine?

I'm not gonna roofie my baby, Gail.

Hey, why don't we try
driving her a little bit?

Sometimes the motion of
the car calms them down.

All right, sure. Let's give it a sh*t.

No, you can't give a baby a sh*t.

I'm telling you, just
the teeniest little...

Okay, I got you. I got you
on... I see what you were saying.

- You got it?
- Yup, yup.

- All right. Let's go.
- Okay.

- 'Cause I thought you were
talking about sh*ts. - No.

Aah! I'm a baby and I'm falling!

All right, think we're good here.

Looks like our baby won't be
getting SIFILISS, after all.

He or she is much more
likely to get HERPESS.

Herpes?

High Elevation Rugrat Positively
Evades Staircase Syndrome.

Oh, that's music to my ears.

Good. Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna take a little breakaroonie.

No, no. There's so much left to do!

You're telling me. I mean, this
cube isn't gonna rube itself.

Okay. You can play your game,

- but on one condition.
- What's that?

You be the one to tell our child

that the reason they only have one eye

is because their father
chose to play a game

instead of covering

all the exposed cactus
needles with corks.

- Carol...
- Agree to the condition!

Where are you going?

To cork the cacti!

Tandy.

Puzzle rhombus.

God!

(IMITATING g*nshots)

(DAWN CRYING)

ERICA: I just don't get it.

This baby has run from
a nuclear holocaust,

been stranded on a deserted
island, lost at sea,

and witnessed two murders,

one decapitation and a
headless body riding a Jet Ski.

Now we're settled in a beautiful
house and she's going nuts.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Maybe the house is haunted.

Come on, Gail. You don't
seriously believe in ghosts.

I do believe there is another dimension.

(LAUGHING): Okay, you're crazy.

Oh, okay, well, tell me, professor,

- how did the world start?
- The Big Bang.

Uh-huh, and then, what are the
physics behind that? I forget.

- Well, the physics of that are
you being a jerk right now. - Oh.

- Well, I'll have you know that you're...
- Gail, watch out!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GASPS)

ERICA: Oh, she stopped crying.
She must be traumatized.

Hey, listen.

♪ Kookaburra sits
in the old gum tree ♪

- ♪ Merry, merry king of... ♪
- (CRYING)

(SIGHS) There she goes again.

Hey. I'm gonna try something here.

ERICA: Gail, what are you doing?

Slow down!

Gail! Aah!

(EXHALES)

(COOING)

GAIL: Just as I suspected.

Looks like we got an adrenaline
junkie baby on our hands.

(CHUCKLES)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

What are you doing?

So, what, I can't pop and lock now?

It's too much, you're
gonna overload your system!

No, Melissa, this is my outlet

so that I don't overload my system!

Then you need to find a new outlet!

Okay, you know what, I've
had just about enough of this.

Todd, you're stressing your
heart... just calm down.

No! You know what, I am done being calm.

And I am done with this wheelchair.

And I'm done with this stupid helmet.

- Unstrapping!
- Todd,

don't you dare take that helmet off.

Todd...

Look, I am not a
child, okay? I am a man!

And I cannot live like this!

Look, I am sorry that
I am trying to help you.

But finding you in
that grocery store was

the worst moment of my life.

And I am so scared to lose you.

But if you don't care, then
fine, take off your helmet.

Eat all the junk food you want.

But I am not gonna sit here
and watch you k*ll yourself.

(CAR STEREO BLARING HEAVY METAL)

(IMITATING g*nf*re)

Oh, bud, bud, bud.
You got this all wrong.

Let me show you the
magic of the piñata.

Here, hand me that
poker-I-hardly-knew-her.

Thank you.

Okay, now, this thing
is a friggin' candy b*mb.

And the object is to
knock the crap out of it

to get to the candy center.

It's the same basic technology
behind the Tootsie Pop.

So, what you do is
you blindfold yourself,

and then you do a couple spinsies, huh.

Like this.

Okay, let's dance.

Okay, that was not...

(LAUGHS) That is not piñata.

Okay, now, normally
I wouldn't peek, okay.

Because that's cheating. Oh... oh, okay.

- But since this is more of a tutorial...
- Tandy!

Tell me you did not
just spray glass shards

all over the ground.

I'm baby-proofing, and
you are doing the reverse!

You're... foorpybab-ing!

I am not, Carol, and
I take offense at that!

Okay, if anything, I'm doing
the reverse of foorpybab-ing...

I'm, uh... babbyproffing.

Don't worry, I'll do it myself.

Look, but you... there's
nothing left to do.

We have to be ready for everything!

We don't know what's
gonna happen in the future.

So some things we're just
gonna have to take as they come.

But I'm sure that in the moment
we'll come up with a solution.

We always do.

- Do we?
- Here, I'll show you.

Oh, quick, there's a tsunami!

What do we do? Easy,
get to higher ground.

Oh, good God, a hurricane!

Sandbag moat.

Oh, no, a hail storm the
size of doughnut holes!

Cotton-lined football helmet.

- Tandy...
- Carol, my point is

we can handle anything
that comes our way.

That is not true, and you know it.

Okay, flash floods. Paper towel truck.

Sinkhole, pogo stick. Alien
abduction, heavy shoes.

Those aren't the things
about which I'm worried!

Then what the hell
are you worried about?

The virus, Tandy!

The virus.

What are we gonna do if
our baby gets the virus?

I don't know.

But if that happens,

none of this matters.

I know.

So, wh-why are you doing it?

Because it's the only thing I can do.

(g*nshots)

(g*nf*re, MEN SHOUTING
IN SPANISH IN DISTANCE)

GORDILLO: Won't be long.

You're scared.

Yes.

There's an old story

about a Chinese farmer who buys a horse.

A short while later,
the horse runs away.

His neighbor says,
"Oh, that's bad news."

The farmer responds,

"Good news, bad news, who can say?"

GORDILLO: Three days
later, the horse returns,

and with it, a herd
of wild horses.

His neighbor, seeing his good
fortune, congratulates him

on the good news.

The farmer responds, "Good
news, bad news, who can say?"

The farmer gifts one of
the horses to his son.

His son rides it, only to
be thrown from its back,

badly breaking his leg.

"That's bad news,"
says the neighbor.

The farmer replies,

"Good news, bad
news, who can say?"

Days later, the emperor summons
every able-bodied young man

to fight in the w*r.

The farmer's son is spared.

What good news.

Good news, bad news, who can say?

It all depends where
the story ends.

And that is the only thing
in life we can predict.

The only thing we truly know.

Everybody's story ends the same way.

Death.

You thought my story
was going to end today.

- (MAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH NEARBY)
- Good news, you might say.

But is there bad news around the corner?

- (POUNDING ON DOOR)
- (p*stol COCKS)

(MAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH)

Who can say?

(g*nsh*t)

No, Pancho. What are you doing?

It was you? You are the snake?

PANCHO: I thought you knew.

You were going to let
me hit the piñata.

The b*mb is not in the piñata.

Then where is it?

Who can say?