04x09 - Karl

[bunniefuu]

Not to brag, but the doctor said

it was the biggest
boil they had ever seen.

Of course I hadn't seen it
'cause it was on my backside.

But what came out of there was crazy!

It was so... voluminous and viscous.

Like sour cream or-or curdled milk.

Kind of...

Here, put your finger
in this pad of butter.

Oh, no, never mind. Uh, it
was way softer than this.

But anyway, when he applied pressure,

it just started spindling out.

And it kept coming
and coming and coming.

I mean, the full load could
have fed a family of four.

(SNORTS)

You look gorgeous.

Thank you.

Hi. If you have a minute,

I'd like to tell you about the specials.

Oh, I already know about one of them.

'Cause she's sitting...
right across from me.

Great.

In addition, we have a potato leek soup,

and the fish of the day is halibut.

I'm actually just gonna
get the garden salad.

KARL: What a coincidence.

Two salads, please.

And a soup to share?

- ZOE: Uh...
- A soup to share.

One spoon.

Thank you so much...

Damien.

Oh, it's, uh, Daniel, but it's okay.

(PIANO PLAYING SOFT JAZZ MUSIC)

What?

Have you ever been painted?

You know, like, a painting?

No.

Then it's settled.

We're going back to
my place after dinner,

and I'm gonna paint you,
just like Jack did to Rose.

Can we have the check, please?

- I don't think so.
- I live right up the street.

(IN BABY VOICE): I could carry you.

I'm so sorry.

I better take this.

Hello?

Oh, no.

I'll be right there.

That was my friend
who's watching my dog.

She said he's sick and
had to go to the hospital.

Oh, no.

I promise this isn't
one of those fake calls

you ask your friends to make

in case the date isn't
going well so you can leave.

- My dog really is sick.
- Oh, of course.

I am so sorry to hear
that. Oh, terrible.

What's your dog's name?

I don't know.

♪ Games, changes... ♪

KARL: Hi, Mom. How'd
your appointment go?

- Oh, that's great.
- (MICROWAVE WHIRRING)

The date? Eh.

I don't think she's the one. Uh-uh.

Hey, I've got a quick
cooking question for you.

I'm making a very dense
pot roast type dish.

You know, bones on the outside,

meat kind of housed on
the inside kind of thing.

A little like the crown
roast you made for Christmas.

Yes.

broil.

That's what I was thinking.

That's great. Yeah.

Mom, thanks so much.

I'm gonna call you later,
but I love you. Okay, bye.

♪ I'll keep my cool,
but I'm fiendin' ♪

♪ I try to say
good-bye and I choke ♪

♪ I try to walk away and I stumble ♪

♪ Though I try to
hide it, it's clear ♪

♪ My world crumbles
when you are not here ♪

♪ Good-bye... ♪

♪ Good-bye and I choke... ♪

Oh, crap. Zeus?

(DOG BARKING)

Daddy spaced out and forgot the bullion.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Good boy.

You stopped up?

Would it help if Daddy turned around?

Be my pleasure.

Now, you just take your time.

I'll be right here.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

(PHONE ALARM BEEPING)

_

Oh, sh**t!

No! sh**t, sh**t, sh**t, sh**t, sh**t.

Ugh! sh**t!

Ugh! sh**t, sh**t, sh**t, sh**t!

Hi. Thanks so much for stopping.

Um, do you think you could
help me change my tire?

I must have driven over

a Mike's Hard Lemonade bottle
or something. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, so, the spare's in here.

- And you mind helping me pull it out?
- Oh, sure.

- I have a cold.
- No problem.

- Let me move this axe out of the way.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.

- Move that.
- All right.

So, uh, how's your week going?

Oh, it's been pretty
good. I-I had this...

Hi, Mom.

You might be hearing
some things about me.

I just want to say that I am so sorry.

I just... I just want
you to know that...

you-you are in no way to blame.

This is not your fault.

If anything, I would blame Dad.

Anyway, uh... I love you.

Bye.

- (SIGHS)
- (UPBEAT SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE CRACKS)

Do you take American dollars?

America?

(SINGS "TURKEY IN THE STRAW")

Yee-haw!

Dollars.

For that one. I'll give you
dollars for that. You know what?

That one and that one.

And the little ones down...

You know what? All of 'em.
How much for all of them?

You're doing great.

You know, I don't say this to
all my models, but I'm getting

some real Whistler's Mother
vibes from you. (EXHALES)

I like your painting.

Oh, that?

Aren't you sweet.

That was during my bear
period a few years ago.

I love pushing the form.

You see, bears don't surf.

But art doesn't care about that.

Hmm.

Oh. Can I see?

No. Uh-uh.

No. I don't like to show
my work until it's done.

But soon.

It's going really, really well.

Like, exceedingly well.

Just about done with your face.

It's really just the boobies left.

All right, I'm gonna
pop into the other room.

I'm gonna get a more appropriate brush.

Don't move. I'm gonna be right back.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So...

did you tell anyone you're
having your portrait painted?

No, it's a surprise for my friends.

Aw, that's great.

Yeah, my friends always say,
"Paco, you work too hard."

Uh, "You never do anything fun."

So, when they see the
painting, I will show them.

That's for sure.

Love that story.

Sorry it's taking me so long.

Just searching for the perfect brush.

You know, I once painted Jason Mraz.

Course, it was all from memory.

Found it.

Perfect brush.

The thing about acrylic
paints is that...

Damn. Damn it!

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

(PANTING)

(SIGHS)

Ah, you have to stop this.

Stop it!

Stop it, stop it, stop!

(MUFFLED): Stop! You have to stop!

Stop it!

(PANTING)

(OFFICERS SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

He went that way! He
went that way over there!

- Hands on your head!
- Okay, but this is on you.

He's getting further and further away.

- Capitán.
- Uh...

How...

What?!

I'm as surprised as you.

Karl Cowperthwaite, you are under arrest

for the m*rder and
desecration of a body.

Uh, careful, I have an active boil.

I have, uh, prescription underwear.

Top drawer, underneath
the knives. (GROANS)

- OFFICER: All clear.
- Come on.

- Let's go! Vamos muchachos!
- But he's getting away!

When I call your number,

repeat the phrase you've been given.

Number one.

I get real...

Whistler's Mother vibe from you.

Number two.

I getting real whisker mother vibes...

for-for you.

Number three?

I getting real whistles,
mothers, vibes from you.

And number four.

(HIGH-PITCHED BABBLING)

Some water.

That's him.

(MEN LAUGHING)

(MAN SCREAMS IN DISTANCE)

(MEN CHATTERING IN SPANISH)

How's it coming?

Oh, my finest work yet.

It's like Matisse mixed with Shakespeare

and just a little Rhea Perlman on top.

Do you mind turning around, Javi?

I just want to paint
the rest of that tattoo

that wraps around your back.

What is that, a cobra with legs?

Yes.

Props.

Hold very still.

(ALARM BLARING)

I swear it wasn't me.

I swear.

(WHISPERS): Psst. Hey.

Hey, have you ever been painted?

Mmm. Wow, yes, I do eat out of boredom.

Oh, hey, excuse me, Martinez?

Why are you guys wearing those masks?

Just a precaution. There's
something going around.

Hey, how's Javi doing?

- He d*ed.
- He d*ed?

Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that.

- Right.
- No, I'm serious.

I mean it.

You know, people can change.

I'll show you.

Put your arm right through there.

No way.

Well, if you did, I wouldn't eat it.

I wouldn't.

(SCOFFS)

I'm really changing.

Time's up.

Let's get you back to your cell.

KARL: It's kind of lonely in here.

If you ever want to talk,
you know where to find me.

So...

Karl Cowperthwaite.

What kind of name is that?

MARTINEZ: All my hair
completely singed off.

- KARL: No.
- I'm standing there, buck naked,

- No!
- when the mayor walks in. (LAUGHING)

That's rich.

That is funny.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Ah. All right, my turn.

- My turn, okay?
- Okay.

Um, I have webbed toes.

I love The Beatles.

I can't roll my tongue.

Loving the Beatles is
the lie. (CHUCKLING)

Right. I just can't get into them.

Too many descending arpeggios.

Ah.

- Can I ask you a question?
- sh**t.

Why are you still here?

I'm a prison guard.

But it's just the two of us left.

Why don't you just... get out of here?

My family's dead.

My friends... are dead.

(SNIFFLES)

Well...

we should get you back to the cell, no?

Ooh! Can we take the long way?

Please?

- Why not? (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah!

All right.

I have some exciting news.

I literally can't wait to hear it.

Today... is my last day.

I hear people are alive in Tapachula.

I'm gonna find out if it is true.

That's great.

I'm so happy.

You take care.

(SNIFFLES)

Wait, wait.

Aren't you gonna let me out?

Karl, you're a serial k*ller.

I've changed. I swear I've changed.

Please, you got to let me out.

Please, Martinez. Please,
please, don't do this.

There is enough food
here for about two months.

Then it is in God's hands.

And if you prefer to take
things into your own hands...

M-Martinez.

Best of luck.

(KARL CHUCKLES)

(MARTINEZ GRUNTING)

I'm so sorry. Why
didn't you just trust me?

I told you I'm not a k*ller anymore.

But you left me no choice,
so I had to k*ll you.

In general, I don't k*ll anymore.

You got to believe me.
I don't k*ll anymore.

(PANTING, GRUNTING)

(KEYPAD BEEPING, BUZZES)

Damn it. No!

No!

No!

You got this, Karl.

Ain't nothin' but a thang.

("WORKIN' MAN BLUES" BY
MERLE HAGGARD PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

♪ It's a big job getting by ♪

♪ With nine kids and a wife ♪

♪ Yeah, but I been ♪

♪ A workin' man dang
near all my life ♪

♪ Keep on working ♪

- ♪ Long as my two hands are fit to use ♪
- (GRUNTS)

♪ I'll drink my beer at a tavern ♪

- ♪ And sing a little bit ♪
- (WEAK POP)

♪ Of these workin' man blues. ♪

(QUIETLY): Oh-seven-five-four...

(KEYPAD BUZZES)

(SIGHS)

Oh-seven-five-four-nine.

Oh-seven-five-four-nine.

Oh-seven-five-four-nine.

Oh-seven-five-four-nine.

Oh-seven-five-four-nine.

Oh-seven-five-five-oh.

Oh-seven-five-five-oh.

Oh-seven-five-five-oh.
Oh-seven-five-five-oh.

Oh-seven-five-five...
Oh-seven-five-five...

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

You got to be kidding me!

(OBJECTS SHUFFLING)

(CLANKING)

Hi, my old friend.

You deserved better
than getting m*rder*d.

I know it's no excuse,
but I thought that,

by k*lling you, I could
get out into the world

and prove that I didn't
have to k*ll anymore.

And that kind of backfired.

Just know that...

I truly had changed.

(SIGHS)

Well, uh, I should go.

Getting out today.

(HORN HONKING IN DISTANCE)

Is that...?

My God.

(LAUGHS)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SHOUTING)

(CHUCKLES)

TODD: Jasper?

- (POUNDING)
- TANDY: Jasper?

He's stuck in there.

Todd, give me a hand.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Hi. I'm Karl.