04x10 - Paint Misbehavin'

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The
Last Man On Earth...

- Jasper.
- MELISSA: There is a little boy out there

who's confused and freaked out.

Have you ever been painted?

We're going back to
my place after dinner,

and I'm gonna paint you.

- You're a serial k*ller.
- I swear I've changed.

- (GRUNTING)
- You got to believe me.

I don't k*ll anymore.

Jasper?

Hi.

(ERICA SIGHS)

Okay, let's call it a night
and hit it again tomorrow.

Hey, gals.

- Any luck finding Jasper?
- No sign.

Then you'll be happy to know
that we did have some luck.

(GASPS)

Here, come with us.

Shh. Easy.

Easy. We don't want to scare him off.

Ladies and gentlewomen,

feast your eyes on... this.

- (KARL YELLS)
- (ALL SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

I got him.

What the hell?

Hi, I'm Karl.

(SCREAMING)

Blanks. (LAUGHS)

So, yeah, this is Karl.

Karl, this is the group.

Sorry. It wasn't my idea.

Found him on our search for Jasper,

and that little rascal,
Todd, thought this would be

a fun way to introduce him.

- (CAROL GASPS)
- I couldn't talk him out of it.

Ugh, so Jasper is...

- Still out in the wild? Yeah.
- Idiot.

Don't call Karl an
idiot. He is our guest.

Now, come on. Don't be shy.

Karl doesn't bite. Do you, Karl?

Nope.

No.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay, okay. I got another one.

What's the worst thing

a prison guard could find at a wedding?

- An open bar.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Very fun.

So, Karl,

I'm still trying to figure out
how you got trapped in there.

I mean, don't guards have all the keys?

So many keys.

Like, name a number of keys,

and it would be more than that.

But the main door locks,

they were code-based,

and I would always forget the code.

So much so that they called
me The Code Forgetter.

- (LAUGHS): The Code Forgetter.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Ugh. And I had to sit there and take it,

- 'cause it's so true.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Anyway, I needed a change,

so I came down to Mexico.

I took up painting, flamenco dancing.

I mean, the whole nueve.

That's, uh, Spanish for nine.

(STAMMERING): Spanish
for nine. Yeah, knew it.

Ocho is eight.

Yeah, life was perfect...

and then the virus struck.

It took my wife and her son...

and his kids and his grandkids.

Towards the end, it was just me

and this one other prisoner.

He was a serial k*ller.

(ALL GASP)

k*lled a lot of people.

And get this:

he would eat them.

- TANDY: What?
- ERICA: Gross.

No.

I mean, who would do that?

That's sick, in my opinion,

but, after some time,
we formed a friendship.

I mean, talk about an odd couple:

a guy who eats people,

and a guy who keeps
people-eaters locked up.

I, of course, being the latter.

I feel like it's important
for me to get in there, again,

how strongly I'm against
the use of people as food.

Yeah, you mentioned that already.

KARL: I was just emphasizing my point.

They used to call me
The Point Emphasizer.

I thought they called
you The Code Forgetter.

- Yeah, but also The Point Emphasizer.
- GAIL: Well, man,

you must be some kind of saint,

'cause I could never be friends

with a psycho k*ller
qu'est-ce que c'est like that.

I guess I am kind of forgiving.

That's why they called
me The Everyone Forgiver.

- You sure had a lot of nicknames.
- KARL: Yeah.

They used to call me
The Nickname Accumulator.

Anyway, look.

I'm gonna go hit the hay.

(SIGHS)

I honestly never thought
I'd get this chance again,

so thank you.

- Good night.
- CAROL: Good night.

ALL: Aw.

What a neat guy.

Yep. Handsome.

Ah, wow.

- Something smells delicious.
- GAIL: Oh.

Well, you must be
smelling something else,

'cause it smells like hell in here.

I-I just b*rned my hair on
that fricking curling iron.

b*rned my finger, too.

Oh.

That's what the smell was?

Yuck. That is awful.

Pee-yew. I mean, who could
possibly like a smell like that?

Disgusting smell.

Ah.

I'm really glad you're here.

Erica's birthday's coming up,

and I wanted to get her something nice,

and you mentioned
that you used to paint.

I was wondering

if you'd consider doing a portrait of me

that I could give her?

I don't paint anymore.

Just a lot of bad
emotional connections to it,

so it's a real...
talk-to-the-hand for me.

Sorry. Sad face.

Oh, yeah. That's cool.

I'll just get her a
candle or Lamborghini

- or something.
- You know, for a burn,

you don't need a Band-Aid.
You just have to apply ice.

Human flesh cooks so fast it just...

gets a-away from you in a hurry.

Is what I heard from my uncle,

because he...

worked at a burn...

firm.

A burn firm?

A firm for burns.

Anyway, ice is best.

Okay. Well, I don't need this, then.

(SIGHS)

Go get some ice, then.

Ugh. You're not that
person anymore. Stop it.

(CRYING)

Oh, God. Get it together.

(CRYING): You've changed.

You okay, Karl?

Oh, uh... Yeah, I was just, uh,

overcome with emotion
for about six seconds.

I'm just excited to see a piano.

I actually met my wife
at a dueling piano bar.

So you play?

Yeah. Sure.

Yes. I mean, you know,
only semiprofessionally.

Oh, wow. Would you mind
playing something for me?

Uh... (STAMMERS)

I'm a little rusty,
so no judgment, okay?

(CLEARS THROAT)

- ♪ B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets ♪
- (DISCORDANT CHORDS PLAYING)

♪ Oh, but they're
weird and wonderful ♪

♪ Oh, Bennie, she's really keen ♪

♪ She got electric boots ♪

♪ A mohair suit ♪

♪ You know I read it ♪

♪ In a magazine ♪

♪ It's B-Bennie and the Jets ♪

(DISCORDANT CHORDS PLAYING)

♪ Bennie, Bennie ♪

♪ Bennie ♪

♪ Bennie and the Jets. ♪

(DISCORDANT CHORDS PLAYING)

Still got it.

Excuse me.

(CRYING): Oh, God. Oh.

Hey...

You ready to go, Melissa?

Uh, about that...

I'm going to propose something,

and it's going to be unpopular.

I doubt it. What is it, hon?

I think we should stop
searching for Jasper.

- What are you talking about, hon?
- Why?

Well, the last thing he needs
is us breathing down his neck.

And that's what drove him
away in the first place.

So, what, we just leave him out there?

He was doing fine on his
own before we came along.

And what-what if we did
find him? Would we ground him

for running away?

Uh, to start.

That worked well last time.

And then what?

Well, we'll tell him
how much we love him.

And how-how much it
scares us that he ran off,

and that it would just k*ll us
if something happened to him.

I mean, I just can't sleep

knowing he's out there.

He just can't do this to us!

I mean, does he want me to
have another heart att*ck?

I mean, come on, Jasper!

That's a healthy energy
for him to come back to.

Melissa, we can't stop looking for him.

And I'm telling you if we want
any chance of him coming back,

we have to stop looking for him.

Sorry, Melissa. I just can't do it.

CAROL: Yeah.

I'm with Todd.

Sorry, Melissa.

Gail?

Erica?

Anybody?

What's going on in here?

Nothing.

I was, uh... taking the trash out.

Taking the trash out, huh?

Why?

Because it's full.

Taking the trash out

because it's full, huh?

Yeah, taking the trash
out because it's full.

Taking the trash out

'cause it's full.

Trash. Out.

Full.

Something's a little weird about you.

(WESTERN TWANG): Isn't it, partner?

Oh, you think?

Been trapped in a prison for six years.

Six years, huh?

'Cause the virus happened
four years ago.

It, well, uh... it felt like six.

- (MOCKING STAMMERING)
- (MOCKING TANDY) Yeah.

So, uh, remind me.

What kind of "penis" are you?

What?

(OVERPRONOUNCING): Pianist.

What kind of "penis" are you?

I'm semiprofessional.

If you say so.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, have at it.

You're out of here, trash!

Excuse me.

(CAROL LAUGHS)

Okay, we have to talk about Karl.

Something is up with this gal.

I just caught him rooting
around in Gail and Erica's trash.

He said he was taking it
out, but it was so weird.

I felt compelled to write
down all the details.

_

I mean, who in their right mind

digs through someone's stuff like that?

Uh, you sure do. Just last week

I caught you digging through
Erica's skivvy drawer.

Uh, th-that was, uh, research

for a, uh, birthday, uh, gift.

Yeah. Uh, and thanks
for ruining the surprise.

Spoiler, Erica.

You got some nice
panties coming your way.

- Ugh.
- Okay, look, let's consider

all the evidence thus far.

Chick has, like, ten nicknames.

Chick said he was trapped in prison

for six years, even
though it was only four.

Chick claims to be
a semiprofessional pianist

but sounds more like Liberace
taking a dump on a chalkboard.

And, in case you forgot,

referring you back to this.

ERICA: Sounds like he's just

being a good housemate to me.

Erica, my instincts tell me

you're wrong as a dong all day long,

and it's daylight savings.

Well, my instincts tell me that
if you don't like him,

that probably ensures
he's a pretty good guy.

And what's that supposed to mean?

It means you're a horrible
judge of character.

Oh, uh, name one character misjudgment.

Pat. Pamela.

Lewis. Phil.

That's four. I said name one.

Tandy, you tried to k*ll
Todd when you first met him.

Okay, in fairness... and I think
that Todd would admit this...

He was a real d*ck in the beginning.

CAROL: I mean, I hate to say it,

Tandy, but if I remember correctly,

you weren't too crazy
about me when we first met.

How about this?

Maybe just this once

take that hunch to lunch

and give Karl a chunce.

Maybe you're right.

Mmm.

Hey, bud. What you slurping?

Oh, uh... uh, nothing.

Just tea. Nothing more. Nothing less.

You certainly seem to be
enjoying it. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, is that a crime, now?

Did they outlaw the enjoyment of tea?

Maybe I missed that being locked in jail

for four years that felt like six.

I think we started
off on the wrong foot.

Hey, I-I just had twins,

and my hormones are raging,

and my fatherhood instincts
are super engorged.

But that's in the past.

Yeah, and I just want to jump

into this relationship
now and just go hog wild.

Well, frankly, I need a little more time

before I'm ready to let my guard down.

Well, whenever you're ready,

you just let me know. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Enjoy that tizzy.

Tea.

(SLURPS)

(GASPS) Mmm.

Band-Aid tea...

Looks like somebody
just blew their chunce.

- KARL: You're doing that all wrong.
- (GASPS)

(LAUGHING): Oh, my God. You scared me.

I'm doing what all wrong?

Here,

give me that old cube.

Now, get a nice big new cube.

You want to cover the whole area.

(MOANS)

What's wrong?

I'm ready to paint again...

- if that offer still stands.
- Oh.

Okay, yeah. Let's do it.

- (QUIETLY): Yes.
- Clothes on or off?

Probably keep mine on, but, um,

I'm gonna go set up my painting area.

- Mm-hmm.
- I like to do it in a private space,

free from distractions.

This way we can really
sink our teeth into it.

That's just an expression.

I'm dying to get started.

Famous last words, am I right?

How-How so?

I'm gonna go set up the space.

(GAIL LAUGHS SOFTLY)

- Hey, bud.
- Hey.

Look, I know you were skeptical
about my theories on Karl,

so I just wanted to apologize.

And, as a token, I made you a nice meal.

Oh, bud.

Bon appétit.

Are-are tho... are those Band-Aids?

Yeah. Yeah, so, uh, dig in.

I got you some salt, pepper,
mustard, ketchup, hot sauce.

Uh, h-heads up, the
hot sauce might dilute

the taste of the congealing blood.

Tandy, I'm not gonna eat this.

(SCOFFS) Good, more for me.

Thank you. God,

I cut myself earlier, and, ugh,

it just would not stop,
so I have a ton of these.

And, good for me, I
frigging love used Band-Aids.

- I'm gonna go mustard.
- TODD: Don't... don't do that.

- Tand... Oh, my goodness.
- Mmm.

- Please, don't.
- That's O-positive.

That's disgusting.

(SLURPS) Mmm.

So, uh, if you don't mind me asking, uh,

why don't you like eating Band-Aids?

Because it's disgusting and weird.

Eating Band-Aids is
disgusting and weird?

Yeah, bud.

Huh, well, now I'm confused,

because I just saw the very normal

and fully vouched-for Karl chewing on

a used Band-Aid a few hours ago.

But that's okay, right?

Karl was chewing on a Band-Aid?

Sure was, and I would
normally think that's crazy,

but my instincts are all out of whack,

so I just shrugged my shoulders

and did nothing, like y'all asked.

Are you serious about this?

Yahoo serious.

Tandy, what do we do?

Something.

Knock, knock. You ready?

I've never been more ready.

It's going great so far.

You're a natural.

I'm getting some real...

Whistler's Mother
vibes from you. Uh-huh.

Well, I would have
preferred Stifler's Mother,

but I'll take it.

You didn't tell anyone you
were doing this, did you?

Of course not. Those
goobers can't keep a secret.

I want this to be a surprise for Erica.

I love surprises.

(MUTTERING)

(CRYING, MUTTERING)

I'll be right back.

- Hey.
- (KARL WHIMPERS)

Where the hell are you going, Karl?

(SIGHS) Whatever.

♪ I'm flying over you ♪

♪ Good-bye horses ♪

♪ I'm flying over you... ♪

Well, that sucks.

Gail, have you seen Karl?

- He's...
- (ENGINE STARTING)

- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- Let's go.

KARL (CRYING): You've
come too far.

These people are your friends.

There has to be another way.

(KARL GRUNTS)

What the hell is he doing?

I don't know, but what I do know

is that this situation just
went from serious to grave.

(GRUNTING AND PANTING)

What's the status report? Still digging?

Like a nizzle pizzy in a dizzle stizzy.

What?

- A nosepicker in a dust storm.
- Oh.

TANDY: Wait, wait, wait.

He's stopping. He's stopping.

Give me an eye, bud.

Yeah. You got it, bud.

- What's he doing?
- Huh.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

- He's a fricking weirdo.
- Yeah.

(GRUNTS)

(CRIES)

(BOTH GASP)

(MOANS)

Oh... farts.

(GAGS, RETCHES)