04x11 - Hamilton - Berg

[bunniefuu]

Previously on the Last Man On Earth

HECTOR: The b*mb is
not in the piñata.

- Hi, I'm Karl.
- ERICA: So Jasper is...

TANDY: Still out
in the wild? Yeah.

We have to talk about Karl.

Something is up with this Gail.

GAIL: If you don't like
him, that probably ensures

- he's a pretty good guy.
- KARL: You're not that person

anymore. Stop it.

These people are your friends.

There has to be another way.

(GRUNTS)

What's he doing?

Oh... farts. (GAGS)

(VOMITING)

(BOTH VOMITING)

TODD: Oh, my God.

Was he just...?

(VOMITING CONTINUES)

(COUGHING)

Oh, my God.

Oh. Edwina Mendoza, you did
not deserve to be vomited on.

But if you saw what we just
saw, there was a man eating...

(VOMITING)

He's doing it again.

(VOMITS)

Barf quieter, bud.

You're no barf church
mouse, either, bud.

(VOMITS)

Crap, we got to get out of here.

Our vomit steam is gonna give us away.

Come on, come on.

(BOTH YELPING EXCITEDLY)

Is Karl back? Is Karl back?

ERICA: I haven't seen him.

Well, we have seen
him, and it is not good.

Yeah. W-We got here
as fast as we could,

but we had to pull over
to hork, like, ten times.

That's what this is.

- That's disgusting.
- Ew.

This is not the time to argue, okay?

'Cause right now, we are like the
cast of the Jersey Shore.

'Cause we got a "The Situation."

All right. Karl is a bad dude.

Ah. Here we go again.

Would you lay off the guy already?

We just followed him to a cemetery

where we saw him dig
up a frigging grave,

and then he reached into the...

- (DRY HEAVES)
- Ah...

- I'm gonna go, bud.
- Well, if you go,

I'm gonna go, bud.

Oh, don't go.

(PANTING)

He reached into a frigging grave,

and pulled out a dead dude and ate it.

- (HIGH-PITCHED): Ate it.
- MELISSA: What?

- What?
- Yeah.

That's insane.

- Todd saw it, too.
- I did.

I was a witness. He tells what we saw.

Well, that just can't be what happened.

Yeah, there has to be
some logical explanation

for all of this.

Yeah, he was probably just too hungry

to not eat human corpse meat.

Okay, how far away were you?

Uh, probably about a hundred yards.

But we had binoculars.

Which end were you looking into?

The little end, Gail. The little end.

Are you sure he wasn't
just playing a trick on you?

He is very funny.

And very smart, too.

He's Karl.

He was digging up a grave, okay?

I am % sure about that.

Is there a possibility that
that's not what you saw?

Absolutely.

Oh...

TANDY: Okay. Come on.

- Come on!
- Thanks for nothing.

Come on, come on.

Keep your eyes peeled, bud.

Like a banana, bud.

TANDY: Here he is, here he is.

(SCREAMING): He's here, he's here!

He's here, grab a w*apon! Grab a w*apon!

- Okay, what? Uh...
- Oh, I got something.

- Here, here. You take this.
- Oh, thanks.

And I'll get this plate.

(SHOUTS, GRUNTS)

Okay, everyone, just be
calm, cool, collected.

Cool and collected. Go.

Oh, poor Karl.

GAIL: I know. Well, it's a momentary

bummer for Karl, but on the
flip, a pretty good show for us.

- Mm. Yeah.
- TANDY: Cool and casual.

Here he comes, here he comes.

Cool and casual. Cool
and collected and calm.

(WHISPERING): A general subject.

Hey, Karl.

Hey, we almost forgot you were gone.

Hey, Todd, look who it is.

Whatever.

(TANDY LAUGHS)

(STAMMERING) So-so, uh,

how about this freaking weather?

Huh? Huh? Todd, engage in this.

Give us your take.

Yeah, it's been, uh, very similar.

You know, uh, uh, consistent.

Actually, no. I'm sorry, I mean similar.

No... I'm-I'm sorry. I mean consistent.

Whatever. Wha... Whatever, man. (LAUGHS)

(TANDY AND TODD LAUGH)

So, hey, Karl.

So w-whatcha you been
getting up to, uh,

you know, uh, location-wise?

Oh, I was just, um, out at a graveyard.

(STAMMERING) So-so-so
you don't say?

You don't say? Huh?

Well, uh... and what were you
doing, on-on earth, out there?

Well, I've been pretty stressed lately.

Well, that's the logical
place for a mental reboot,

- is what that is.
- Yeah.

I needed to clear my head.

Recenter myself.

Now, Karl...

KARL: Mm-hmm?

What would you say if I
told you that Todd and I

were at that there, that,
uh, cemetery tonight?

Well, what did you see out there?

Uh, from where we were perched,

uh, we noticed, uh, you know,

something rather alarming.

Eh, stupefying, even.

You did?

See, looked to us...

like maybe you had dug
your little fingie-wingies

into a little cadavey-wavvy,

and then took a teeny eeny
weenie little bitesy-witesy.

(ERICA CLICKS TONGUE)

KARL: Mm-hmm.

And you want to sort of know
what that was all about, huh?

Yeah.

Look, the quick answer is: yeah.

I took a couple little nibbles.

Okay, I'm just gonna
come right out and say it.

(EXHALES)

My name is Karl, and I am a cannibal.

- (GASPS)
- Oh, God, yes.

It's like a weight has been lifted.

Anyway, this has been such a day.

So why don't we all get some sleep,

and we can pick this up in the morning.

It'll give you, uh, time

to process this and formulate
some questions for me.

And hey, I'm gonna have
some questions for you.

It's a two-way street.

This is a dialogue.

Good people on both sides.

All right. Well, good night, guys.

Lock your doors. Mean that.

(SOFT KNOCKING)

Come insies.

(DOOR CREAKING)

Hey, Karl.

Uh... Now, I know you had mentioned

having a chat in the morning,
but we think we might be able

to cobble a little time together
right now, if you're up for it.

Sure thing, Jelly Bean.

It's bugging you, isn't it?

Aw.

Thank you.

I realize it might be hard
for you to drink in that thing,

so I brought you this crazy...

I mean, "mentally abnormal" straw.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Oh, nice.

- Carol?
- Yeah?

- (SHOUTING MANIACALLY)
- (SCREAMS)

- (SHOTGUN COCKS)
- Whoa! Hey!

(CHUCKLING) I gotcha there.

Sorry. Oh, it's too soon.
It's too soon. I'm sorry.

In all seriousness, though,
you're gonna want to keep

a five-foot radius.

That's what I call the lunge zone.

Noted.

Okay, I know what you guys are thinking.

Is it a problem?

Sure, yeah, big-time problem.

So, let's get into it.

D-Do you want to k*ll us?

Do I want to k*ll you? Well...

that's why I came back here.

- GAIL: What the...?
- (ALL GROANING)

KARL: No, wait. It's a miscommunication.

I came back because, guys,

I do want to k*ll you.

- Okay, you just said that.
- That's exactly

- what you just said.
- KARL: I'm sorry, um,

I left too long of a pause in there.

I do want to k*ll you, but...

See, the pause works better
there, after the "but." But...

I wanted you to know
that I wanted to k*ll you

before I did k*ll you.

This making sense?

- No.
- Not really.

I've-I've battled a lot
of demons in my life.

But after spending all
that time in prison,

I thought I had them b*at.

And I'm finding out now
that maybe I'm not as strong

as I... I hoped I'd be.

So you don't want to k*ll us?

I desperately don't want to k*ll you.

But you might k*ll us anyway?

I mean...

Karl, could you give us one sec?

I think it's safe to say

we're way beyond the stocks on this one.

We have to k*ll him.

- Melissa...
- No, no.

We can't decide who lives or dies.

- We're not J.K. Rowling.
- I-I got it.

You know, when I was a kid, my
dad caught me with a cigarette.

He made me smoke the whole
pack right in front of him.

I say we take him back to the grave

and make him eat that
whole corpse in one sitting.

We're trying to get rid
of him, not cure him.

We have to k*ll him!

- GAIL: We're not murderers.
- No.

All we do is drive
him out to the desert,

tell him to check the
tire, and just take off.

Like you did to me, bud?

Uh, but didn't do to
you, 'cause you're great.

But, yeah. W-What I didn't do to Todd.

Guys, how many times
do I have to say this?

We have to k*ll him.

- Melissa! No!
- No.

Look, we don't want to k*ll him.

Obviously, we don't want him around.

I think I have a solution.

KARL: So, I said to him, "I
already paid for a fill-up.

I'm paying for air, too?"

I mean, what's next?

They're gonna package
gravity, make me buy that?

Or vision?

You know, I can't
open my eyes if I don't

pay the oil companies?

You know, it's just,
no. Enough is enough.

Well, here we are.

Oh, can I finish the story?

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.

So, I just left. Right? I just drove off

with a partially inflated tire.

After a couple minutes, you
know, I kind of cooled down.

I came back, right, to apologize.

But Dane already finished
his shift. (LAUGHS)

- He was gone.
- No way.

I come back the next day, right,
with a cup of coffee for him.

I got it for free in
the lobby at a hotel.

Regardless, he appreciated the gesture.

- Right?
- Yeah.

And it just... (GRUNTS)
it just shows you.

I mean, think about
that. It just shows you.

- It shows all of us.
- Yeah.

Worth the wait. Worth the wait.

So, uh, guess this is it.

- Yep.
- Hey,

we'll check in on you from time to time.

- Really?
- To see if you're dead.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Well... what do you say, you know?

It's, uh... it's been a...

- God, why is this so hard?
- I don't know.

- You know?
- Guys,

you're doing the right thing.

(SHOTGUN COCKS)

(g*nsh*t)

Go on! Go on! Git! Git!

Ya! Ya! Hah-oh!

- Bye, Karl.
- Bye, bud.

- Uh, you want to give me a hand?
- Yeah.

- (LAUGHS) You know what I mean.
- Let's chain her up.

(CHAINS RATTLING)

Okay.

Well, that closes that chapter.

TODD: Hey.

(SIGHS) How'd it go?

It's done.

Where you headed off to?

Going to the store.

I thought you just went yesterday?

A different store.

Period stuff?

Yeah.

Yeah, I could drive you, hon.

Yeah. I was gonna head back
out and look for Jasper.

We never made it past the prison, so...

Oh. No, that's okay. Um,
it's gonna be a quick trip.

So, I'll see you later.

It's period stuff.

Yeah.

MELISSA: So, you thinking
of coming back anytime soon?

And there's no pressure
on my end, but...

Todd misses you,

and I don't think I can
hold him off forever.

Okay. See you tomorrow?

TODD: Jasper!

Jasper?

What the hell?

Oh, God, he's out.

Guys! Guys!

Karl is out!

Karl is out!

- What?
- What do you mean he's "out"?

I mean the prison is open. He is out!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my gol. You lock the doors.

You got to get the babies!

Where are you going, hon?

I... (SIGHS) I'm going to get Jasper.

How are you gonna do that?

(SIGHS) I know where he is.

He's been living by the
prison, so I have to go get him.

Wait, what? You knew where
Jasper was this whole time?

I-I should go.

No, we need to talk about this.

But can't it wait? There's
a k*ller on the loose.

He could be anywhere.

(PIANO PLAYING TENSE MUSIC)

(PLAYING OFF-KEY)

(MUSIC STOPS)

I'm back...

- ♪ Bennie ♪
- (PLAYING OFF-KEY)

♪ Bennie, Bennie ♪

♪ Bennie, Bennie and the Jets. ♪

KARL: Yeah, I got out, like, right away.

It was so easy.

Guess I was just so motivated to
get back here and see you guys.

It's all I needed.

It's a real testament to
setting goals. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, well, what the hell we gonna do now?

Look... I know the person
I want to be deep inside.

But I also know who I am.

And I'm just gonna keep coming back.

You know what you need to do.

So, how do we do this?

Well, first of all, are
there any volunteers?

Oh, sure. Everyone looks at
me when someone needs k*lling.

No, I don't want to do it.

I took the liberty of
cutting up some straws.

Yeah, I guess drawing straws
is as fair as anything.

You know how it works.

Nobody can back out.

Fair is fair.

(SIGHS)

You got to draw one, hon.

I know. We are talking
about murdering someone,

so... just give me a second.

Okay, hold out your straws.

Oh.

TANDY: Hey, Care Bear.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm all bubbles and baubles.

(CHUCKLES) Thanks for asking.

You know I'm not gonna let you do it.

Well, then who's gonna do it?

- Me.
- No, Tandy.

Fair is fair and I
drew the shortest straw.

Did you?

Tandy.

You said it yourself.

Fair is fair.

You know I-I cut my straw, right?

Yeah, I know.

'Cause mine was one
of the longer straws.

I mean, we all saw it.

Thanks, Tandy.

(CHUCKLES) I'm not doing
this for that, Carol. Okay?

I already got more than
enough praise inside.

I tried to cut it privately,

but it ended up being
a rather public affair.

Had to borrow scissors and, you know,

cried a little bit and such.

But yeah, you're welcome.

This is, uh, gonna be very hard for me.

You ready?

Yeah, thanks for indulging me.

Just put on some brown underwear,

you know, obvious reasons.

Of course. Uh, so I created
a little death area for you.

So if you could, uh, please
just make your way over

to this little coffin right here.

I'd appreciate it.

Hmm, interesting choice.

You don't like it.

No, no, no. I love it.

Hey. I love it.

Well, thank you.

Look, the group wanted to be here,

but they really didn't want to be here.

Well, please tell them good-bye for me.

Gals! Karl says good-bye!

- CAROL: Bye, Karl!
- GAIL: So long, Karl!

- MELISSA: See ya!
- Thank you!

Well, uh, if you don't mind,
uh, this is very hard for me.

So to separate myself from the
grim reality of the situation,

I thought it'd be helpful to
do a, uh, a theme execution.

Love it.

Oh, good.

Now, I've chosen the Broadway
smash, Hamilton.

And obviously, I'll
be Alexander Hamilton

and you will be Aaron Berg.

- Burr.
- You need a sweater?

- I'm fine.
- (CHUCKLES)

I guess it's not gonna matter
in a few minutes anyway, huh?

Well, this is it.

So, uh, I'm gonna turn around,

walk ten paces, and
then pull out the g*n

and sh**t you in the face.

Um, if it's okay, it would
help me take my mind off things

if I could keep playing this.

I know it's anachronistic for
the Hamilton time period,

but so was rap and people
seemed to like that.

Hey, cube it up.

Practice sh*t, vase!

Ah. Sucker moved on me.

CAROL: Is it over?

Practice sh*t! Doing it now!

CAROL: Okay, uh, bye again, Karl!

Bye! Who's that, Gail?

Carol!

Sorry.

I'm gonna get your names right
if it's the last thing I do.

(CHUCKLES) Oh.

Which, I guess, you know...

It begins.

(EXHALES)

One...

two...

three...

- So I move this around here.
- Four...

This will easily go in...

- Five paces! Halfway there!
- Take your time.

I'm almost finished with this cube.

Six... seven...

- Mm, almost there.
- Eight...

nine...

ten.

Oh. Hello.

Here we go.

Ooh! Neato! (GASPS) Got it!

I can't do...

CAROL: Did you do it?

Oh... he gone.