04x13 - Release the Hounds

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

I want you to have a baby.

- Let's do this.
- Whoa! Easy there.

I'm not having a baby.

There's a serious
biological impediment here.

Not necessarily.

We have a question for you.

Um, oh, oh, okay.

Um...

Sorry. You know, I-I can't do it.

- Then I'm gonna do it.
- No, I think I should do it.

- Then do it.
- Okay, fine. God. Mm.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, um, Erica...

As-as you know, I, um...

I-I real... really
want to have a child.

Uh, very clear on that.

Okay, great, and as you also know,

Melissa does not want
to... h-have a child, so...

Yeah, I don't.

Clear on that, too.

So, um, you already have a-a child.

Is-is that fair to say?

I think I feel comfortable
confirming that.

And, uh, do-do you like your baby?

Eh, I don't know. She's
all right, I guess.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, Todd, I'm kidding. I-I love her.

Cool.

It's very, very cool.

Do you want to have a baby with Todd?

- I'm sorry?
- TODD: Oh, we have our answer.

You know, this was a fool's
errand, and I am a fool.

Thank you very much, Erica.

You've been nothing but gracious
throughout this entire ordeal.

I-I didn't say "no."

Oh. Oh, my God!

I'm gonna be a dad! What?! Really?!

Whoa, no. I mean, I... I
didn't say "yes," either.

R-Real roller coaster
here, I got to tell you.

Well, Todd, this is, like, a huge thing.

Can I have a little bit
of time to think about it?

Yeah. No.

Of course. Of course. Absolutely.

I mean, you-you take your time.

Um, yeah.

Todd?

Is it a more than a
few minutes situation?

More than a few minutes situation.

(WHISPERING): We should go. Okay.

Let's go.

Oh. Who just got her bath?

You did. You did.

And who just did a huge poop?

That's right. Daddy did.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh, hey, Care Bear.
Didn't see you there.

Don't mind me. Just do
your thang. (CHUCKLES)

You want Daddy to put you to bed?

Huh? Huh?

(GASPS SOFTLY)

Stop right there.

(CHUCKLES) You like what you see, huh?

Your lower back hair
is catching the light

in the most beautiful way.

It's like I'm seeing
it for the first time.

Must be some residual push sweat.

I don't know if you heard,

but I just took a
pretty aggressive dump.

I did hear.

Whatever you're doing, keep doing it,

'cause Mommy likey.

Well, Daddy aimsy to pleasey.

Spin for me.

Slowly.

Ooh.

Stop right there.

Now raise the baby.

- Mmm.
- Yeah, that's right.

Get lost in it.

Why don't you come over here
and give me a little taste?

Your wish is my command.

- Did somebody order the special?
- Hmm.

Ooh.

- My compliments to the chef.
- Careful.

I don't want to spoil your dinner.

Lucky for you, I have a tapeworm,

and he skipped lunch.

- Oh, Carol.
- Tandy.

(BOTH MOANING)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You just gave birth.

I mean, isn't it too soon for sex?

Well, just 'cause the
doggy door's busted

doesn't mean we can't
look through the peep hole.

Oh, Carol.

(BOTH MOANING)

(LAUGHS) A baby? You...
you said no, right?

I didn't say anything. I was
too in shock to be honest.

- Oh, you got to shut this down.
- Yeah, I-I know.

I-I just... I feel bad.

I mean, Dawn is the light
of my life, and by saying no,

I'm denying Todd his only
chance at this experience.

It's pretty cut and dry, Shug.

"Aw, Todd, you're so sweet,
but no way in freaking hell,

and my smoke-show of a
wife supports me in that."

You're right. I got to be direct.

I'll just pull him aside after dinner.

Ugh. He's gonna be crushed.

He knows it's a long sh*t.

I'm sure he hadn't gotten his hopes up.

(FIRE CRACKLING)

(CAROL AND TANDY LAUGHING)

Sorry we're late.

Tandy and I were engaged in
a spirited petting session.

- (CAROL AND TANDY CHUCKLE)
- MELISSA: Ugh.

With outercourse like that,
who needs intercourse?

JK. I do, and hopefully soon. (CHUCKLES)

Todd, uh, please pass
the garbanzo beans.

Todd?

Oh. I'm-I'm sorry.

- Here. Coming at you.
- (CAROL CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS): I'll get it.

- What you thinking about, bud?
- Nothing! God!

- Sorry. I'm-I'm...
- No.

It's just, I-I wasn't thinking
about anything in particular.

And I answered your question
to the best of my ability

given the available
knowledge at the time.

You were saying something interesting

about garbanzo beans?

You okay, bud?

Uh, okay, you know, I'm just
gonna come out and say it.

Melissa and I have asked
Erica to have my baby.

- (CAROL GASPS)
- No way.

That is so exciting! Oh!

No, but, guys, please just
leave... no, leave her alone.

She's taking some time
to-to think about it.

Isn't that right?

- Oh, my God, have you decided?
- Oh, uh...

maybe we should talk about this later.

Actually, um, later doesn't work for me.

Uh, I'm-I'm real busy in
all my later time slots.

Could you just tell me now?

- In-in front of everyone?
- Oh, yeah.

What was I thinking? W-We
should do this in the other room.

- Come on.
- (SIGHS): Okay.

Wish me luck, everybody. (CHUCKLES)

- (CAROL AND TANDY CHUCKLE)
- M-Melissa, c-come on.

- I don't really want to go.
- Please.

Oh, you have a bean in your beard.

Oh, that's embarrassing. Where is it?

Oh, no, no, no. I got it.

(BOTH MOANING)

(TANDY CHUCKLES)

Your bean, sir.

(BOTH MOANING)

TODD: No! No!

- Did you get it?
- Got it.

(BOTH MOANING)

So?

CAROL: Mom.

We need to ask you something.

As you know, Tandy and I
recently had twin baby girls.

Can we agree on that?

- Yeah.
- And both births

came via the traditional
birthing causeway.

- The female vag*na.
- Mm-hmm.

Can we agree on that?

Uh, yeah.

As we alluded to at dinner,

Tandy and I have begun dabbling
in the sensual arts again.

(PANTING) And despite powerful,

even violent urges on both sides,

our liaisons have been
anything but dangereux.

Could y'all just cut
to the chase, please?

Gail, Carol and I would like
your medical blessing to pork.

What has it been?

Like, less than two weeks
since you gave birth?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Look, the normal waiting
time is four to six weeks.

- (GROANS): Oh.
- No.

But your birth experience
was anything but normal,

so maybe your freak show
of a reproductive system

can handle it.

Mom, are you saying

that Tandy can release the hounds?

I will never say that,
and I would request

that you never make me hear that again.

But the answer I think
you're looking for is yes.

- Oh, thanks, Mom!
- (LAUGHS)

Release the you-know-whats!

- (CRYING OUT)
- (HOWLS)

(BOTH MOANING)

MELISSA: Oh!

Look who rolled over.

So...

I went and got some
fun stuff at the mall.

I got some board games, cat puzzle,

uh, a couple joke books.

- Doesn't that sound fun?
- No.

Pretty funny.

"What does a vegan zombie eat?"

"Grains."

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

Got one of these guys.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh-oh, it's a dance-off.

You better bring it.

(WHOOPS)

- (HIP-HOP MUSIC STOPS)
- (MELISSA SIGHS)

Fine.

Well, there's a bunch
of other crap in here.

So, if you get in the mood...

Look, I know Erica's
decision was hard to hear.

But you're gonna get through this.

What? What is...?

Oh, you like that train set, huh?

Great.

This is good.

("YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HAT
ON" BY JOE COCKER PLAYING)

♪ Baby, take off your coat ♪

♪ Real slow ♪

♪ Take off your dress ♪

♪ Yes, baby, yes ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ But you can leave your hat on ♪

♪ Yeah, you can leave your hat on ♪

♪ You can leave your hat on... ♪

Are you ready?

Balls have never been cleaner.

Sweated them up a little
bit in the dance, but...

You want to take a little whiff-ski?

I'm gonna save that for dessert.

Then shall we doink?

May I stop you to say that this may be

the most romantic thing of
which I've ever been a part?

- You may not.
- Oh.

Oh, no, table four says
the meat is undercooked.

- Throwing it back on the grill.
- Table six has a nut allergy.

Keep those cashews away
from the stroganoff.

I got to plate this,
Carol. I got to plate it!

But the whole party hasn't arrived yet.

I'm plating it!

- I'm plating it!
- God!

- CAROL: Oh, God!
- (TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hey, bud.

Hey.

I know the whole "Erica
not having your baby" thing

is a real bummer.

So, if you ever want to
babysit, just say the word.

You know, Carol and I
just got the go-ahead

to start plowing again.

E-Excuse my French. Ramming.

Uh, it's been a little weird
with the babies in the room.

- I mean, not that weird, but still just...
- Tandy.

Can I talk to you?

Stop talking to him about babies.

That's the last thing
he needs right now.

Sorry. I'm just trying to help.

By rubbing your babies in his face?

- I...
- I've got this handled, okay?

Just leave him alone with his trains,

and he'll be fine in a few days.

(TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

TANDY: Nice caboose.

(CHUCKLES) The train's not bad, either.

CAROL: Hi, Todd.

I'm just here holding a
box of general miscellany.

So, how's it going with you, bud?

MELISSA: He's fine.

Can I help you?

We need to talk.

(QUIETLY): We have to tell him.

- It's not the right time.
- It's never the right time.

W... Just give him a little bit longer.

I can't keep lying to
him. It's k*lling me.

Yeah, and I can't keep this up forever.

(SIGHS)

We'll tell him, just not now.

Well, this baby's not going to wait.

You got two months, tops.

I would like to propose a toast

to Gail

Congratulations on six months
of sobriety from red wine.

I did it, y'all.

(TANDY CHUCKLES)

Goodness gracious,

where, oh, where am I
gonna hang this dartboard?

- Todd's not here, Carol.
- Oh, thank gol.

GAIL: This is ridiculous.

You can't go on hiding
that pregnancy forever.

Well, tell that to the conductor's wife.

MELISSA: I'm doing the best I can.

At least Todd's out of bed
now, and he's eating again.

He hasn't mentioned babies in months.

He's a grown-ass man
who spends hours a day

playing with trains;
that's just not right.

He's making improvements every day.

(TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

I stand corrected.

I've tried everything. I
don't know what else to do.

Look, don't worry, Melissa.
I think I have an idea.

And, as usual, I will handle
it with grace and "aplobm."

Carol, can you join me?

Ooh, I'm involved!

Hey, thanks so much for joining me, bud.

And, look, I got to be honest,

the real reason I brought you here

was not to help me
dispose of dirty diapers.

But be prepared, 'cause
what I'm about to say

is a real shocker.

I hate having kids, bud.

It's the worst.

I mean, they cry all the
time, always begging for food.

This diaper thing is so disgusting.

Oh, God, I wish I could go back in time

and just be married without kids.

Oh, I'm so jealous of you and Melissa.

You gals got it made in
the shade with lemonade.

With ice in it. (GROANS)

Tandy, I have something to say,

and it cannot wait until we're alone.

- Everything okay, Bear?
- Afraid not.

Good God, what is it?

This is bad news.

Stay for this, Todd!

(HISSES) I'm pregnant.

(HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKING)

Oh, this is exactly what I don't want!

Oh, I can't think of worse news!

And to come out of the blue so suddenly!

Oh, God! Oh!

- The burden!
- Incredible onus!

(TANDY WAILING)

(TOY TRAIN CHUGGING)

(SHOUTS)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Oh, Dawn.

Look at this.

You wore this when we were running

from a nuclear expl*si*n, remember?

It's hard to believe
you were ever this tiny.

(WHISPERS): I think we'll
just keep this one. Okay.

- Aw.
- (DAWN COOS)

Dawn, look at this.

Look.

Look, that's Mummy.

And these are your grandparents.

And that's your Uncle Ethan,

Mummy's brother.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(SHRIEKS) Gol!

Gol, gol, gol, gol,
gol, gol, gol, gol!

(SHOUTS)

(BLOWING VUVUZELA)

Aw, did someone score another goal?

Yes, I did. Unassisted.

(WHOOPS)

Wait, where are all the trains?

I don't know. You know, I
came in here this morning,

and they were just all gone.

(TANDY SCOFFS SOFTLY)

Hey, bud.

Yeah, I, um... I put,
I put 'em all away.

- I, uh... I got you a little something.
- Oh.

It's a congratulations
for being pregnant.

GAIL: Well, look at you.

I'm-I'm glad you're all here,

'cause I have something I want to say.

Um...

Um, so just... Excuse me, I'm sorry.

- Please, just bear with me.
- (CLEARS THROAT)

"Sometimes a guy's
got to hit rock-bottom

to realize what's
truly important in life.

Todd Dimas Rodriguez was
born in the tiny enclave

of Mills Glen to parents who he..."

I want to have a baby with you.

Who was that to?

Wait, uh, did you-you...
Who was that to?

Todd, I've decided;
I want to have a baby,

and I want to have it with you.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Really?

Yeah, really.

Wait.

No, wait, no. I...

Erica, I-I can't.

Okay? I-I can't let
you give me a pity baby.

Yes, you can.

Todd, listen. I've thought about this.

And Gail and I have discussed it,

and this is what I want.

- But you just said that you...
- Stop talking! You made a sale.

Look, Dawn is the best
thing I've ever done.

And I would love to give her
a little brother or sister.

And you promise you're
not doing this for me?

I'm doing this for me.

And I'm thrilled to have a guy
like you to go through it with.

(CRYING): I'm gonna be a dad.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna be a dad! (LAUGHS)

- Aw!
- Oh!

(CHUCKLES)