04x15 - Designated Survivors

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man On Earth.

ERICA: Todd is snooping
around, trying to figure out

- if I'm pregnant yet.
- So?

- Sorry, Todd.
- TANDY: Bottom line,

she wants a baby,

and you're her only sh*t.

We've got company.

I'm telling you,
someone's out there.

Mike.

Mike?

Gotcha.

(SOFT, INSTRUMENTAL INTRO
TO "FALLING SLOWLY" PLAYS)

♪ I don't know you ♪

♪ But I want you ♪

♪ All the more for that ♪

(IN HARMONY): ♪ Words
fall through me ♪

♪ Always fool me ♪

♪ And I can't react ♪

♪ Games that never amount ♪

♪ To more than they're meant ♪

♪ Will play themselves out ♪

BOTH: ♪ Take this sinking boat ♪

♪ And point it home ♪

♪ We've still got time ♪

♪ Raise your hopeful voice ♪

♪ You have a choice ♪

♪ You'll make it now. ♪

(MIKE LAUGHS, PATS TANDY'S BACK)

Whoa.

You like that haircut?

I love it.

(MIKE SIGHS)

(WITH JAMAICAN ACCENT):
Top of the morning, mons.

Oh, praise Jah. I found you.

- What's with the dreads?
- Oh, just

a fun ting to distract me
from me natty toothache, mon.

Oof. But dere's no time for dat.

(IN NORMAL VOICE): Look, guys, hey.

I'm gonna drop my pitch-perfect accent

'cause this is serious.

Look, I have something
to show you. Come on.

(QUIETLY): So, when I
woke up this morning,

I heard noises coming from the tent.

Jasper's back?

Well, I assume it's him.

I mean, who else could it be?

So, I figured that we could
all welcome him back together.

So let's all say a big hello
to Jasper on three, okay?

One. Two. Three!

Hello, Jasper!

Wait.

Jasper? Or whoever was in here?

Oh, you're looking for me?

(ALL GASP LOUDLY)

(MIKE GRUNTING)

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Oh, what did you do?

We just wanted to surprise you.

(SOBBING): Oh. Oh,

- Mike.
- Boo!

(SCREAMS) What?

(SNORTS, LAUGHS)

Blanks.

You are sick, Gail!

Sick!

Burn.

So, then I cross over into Colorado,

and by this point I'm exhausted

and I'm starving and I'm thirsty,

'cause all the rainwater
I'd collected... it was gone.

Uh, so, I found this,
this creek, and I, uh...

I'm kneeling down to fill up my canteen.

And I look down into
the water, and there's...

I-I see there's, like, something shiny.

So I reach down, and I grab hold of it,

and it ended up being a
handle to some kind of hatch.

- A hatch to what?
- I mean,

before I could find out, just boom,

this bag comes down over my head.

- (GASPS)
- What kind of bag?

Like a-a paper bag,
plastic, uh, straw, tote?

- Was it tote?
- GAIL: Tandy,

no one gives a flying burrito
about what kind of bag it was.

Excuse me for trying to
establish a motif, Gail.

MIKE: So, I can't see anything.

When the bag is finally
taken off my head,

I am surrounded by dozens of people.

- What'd they do to you?
- They-they

chained me up for months.

Uh, they-they tortured
me, they drugged me.

They-they, you know,
experimented on me.

I-I mean, the whole nine...

Nueve. Ocho is eight.

Yeah. So, eventually,
I-I was able to escape.

I have no idea where
I am, and these guards

are chasing after me, so I quickly duck

into this file room to hide.

And, guys, what I found in
there is gonna blow your minds.

I found us.

- What?
- Dozens

and dozens of files
about each one of us.

- (PEOPLE GASPING)
- I'm talking with photographs,

uh, your medical records,
personal information,

- everything.
- What are you saying?

What I'm saying is, I don't think

that we are just survivors.

We're designated survivors.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

- (CAROL GASPS)
- But

the scariest part of this all,

and-and it truly chills me to the bone

to even think about,
but... is that I am...

completely messing with you guys,

and this whole story is B.S.

- Oh!
- What?!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh.

- Ah! Ah! (LAUGHS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

No, I saw one of your poop balloons.

Mike Miller! Oh, gar!

- So, you never got the virus?
- MIKE: No. It must've

been something else.

I-I assume my immune system was weak

from being up in space for so long, but,

yeah, no. I don't know. Anyway, once

I fully recovered, I, you
know, went straight to Malibu,

but you guys had already left.

But I-I left you a note in Tucson.

I didn't see a note.

(OVER HEADPHONES): ♪ Tell her ♪

♪ Never want another girl
like you, have to say, oh ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' gonna
break-a my stride ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna hold me down ♪

- ♪ Oh, no ♪
- ♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ I got to keep on moving ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' gonna
break-a my stride. ♪

So, what'd the note say?

Uh... it, it doesn't matter now.

Look who just woke up.

Oh, my God.

Is that...?

Yeah. Come on.

Mike, I'd like you
to meet our daughters.

This is Bezequille, and this one...

is Mike.

Named her after Mike Clarke Duncan.

Big Green Mile fans. Yeah.

JK. Named her after you.

Hey.

Hi.

- It's good to have you back, Mike.
- (CHUCKLES)

ERICA: So, this is Dawn.

Oh-ho-ho, look at that.

You guys got babies all over
the place around here now.

So, you were saying that
it's you and Dawn and...

- Gail in here?
- Yeah.

Uh, Gail and I, actually...

we got married.

Oh.

Oh. I mean... congrats.

Congrats. Th-Th-That's,
uh, well, that's great.

Look, I know this might be weird,

'cause we...

we had that kiss.

No. Hey, seriously, Erica,

I-I'm just really happy for you.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, Todd.

What's up?

I... just, uh,

didn't realize, um,
Mi-Mike was in here.

- MIKE: Yeah.
- Hey, Mike. Todd.

No, I know you, Todd.

And we've been hanging
out all morning. I...

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Um, so, uh, you, uh...

happen to tell him
about our thing, or...?

I mean, I-I hadn't...
exactly got to that yet.

'C-Cause it's not a thing anymore?

Or you just haven't gotten to it yet?

- Can we talk about this later, please?
- Yeah.

That's not even why I came in here.

So why did you come in here, then?

Yeah, 'c-cause I heard, uh...

(CLEARS THROAT) this
thing is wobbling, is all.

You know, and I'm always like,

(CHUCKLES) "Not on my watch, ya heard?"

Let's see what's going on here.

That's...

And there's the problem. See?

Right there.

Hear that little wobble?

- (THUMPING)
- (TODD WHISPERING)

(LAUGHS): Yeah.

It's all fixed.

All right, th... thanks, Todd.

So, Todd and I are, um...
we're trying to have a baby.

Another baby, huh?

- Just diving right back in.
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

Yeah. So, are he and Melissa
not together anymore, then?

- No, they are.
- Oh, okay.

Okay. So he's just...

he's, like, a sperm donor, then?

ERICA: Kind of like that.

M-Mostly like that.

Yep, no just leaves. It's all right.

Okay, we got some steps coming
in... going into the van.

- Just... Don't... No. Hold on.
- You said steps!

I know. They're right here.

Th... There.

Yep. Bingo.

- Keep your eyes closed. No peeking.
- Okay. Okay.

No peeking. Watch out on the right.

- Okay. Almost. You ready?
- Yeah.

- Ta-da!
- (GASPS)

Diego!

And Clementine! The whole g*ng!

Terence, Trent, Darby

hanging together as usual.

Oh, I've missed these guys so
much. Thanks for bringing 'em.

No, are you kidding me? Thank you.

Yeah, I mean, I was
genuinely shocked at...

how close I actually got to them.

Well, I mean, except Darby.

- Oh?
- Who is, you know, kind of a tool.

Cut him a little slack...
He had a rough upbringing

on account of how much
he looks like a scrotum.

MIKE: Hmm.

Well, now I feel bad.

No, no, no, no, don't.
He is a friggin' tool.

- Hmm.
- Yeah, to be sure.

So, uh, yeah, why don't
you give me the tour?

What is all this stuff?

I mean, this puppy's fully loaded.

I got everything. Um,
got a backup generator,

computers, printers, I got
a satellite dish up on top.

Oh. What is this thing?

Oh, yeah, that...
well, this, uh, this is

thermal imaging, you know?

It basically uses satellites
to find heat signatures.

Get out of town. Like
how the Predator sees?

If that helps you, sure.

Uh, but, I mean, it's a little
tricky to decipher stuff,

but, I mean, I'm getting
better at it, so, uh...

This is a, uh, moose in Siberia.

I'm guessing that was a few birds,

uh, down in Australia.

I found your buddy Jasper.

- Ah, that's so cool.
- Yeah, this thing really,

um... really kept me going out there.

You know, and, um...
during the dark times

when I was, uh, at my loneliest, um...

I would just... sit
down and search for life.

Well... you found it.

I did.

- Yeah.
- I did.

I thought I'd never see you again.

Yeah. Yeah, um...

So, hey, do you want
me to give you a hand

bringing these guys in the house, or...?

No.

You keep 'em.

We're speaking off the public record

and on the private record here.

I'm spinning out a little
bit about Mike being back.

I mean, you know, he's handsome,

single, effortless charisma,

and I'm just worried that Erica's

gonna see what we all see.

You know? That he's obviously
the better option as a dad.

(CHUCKLES) I mean, it's
like... you do the math.

I've already done the
math, and you're right...

He's definitely a great option.

I thought you were gonna say
something to calm me down, hon.

Oh, relax, Todd. She's just greasing

- your tractor skids.
- MELISSA: I wish I were, Gail.

Okay? But we're dealing
with an alpha dog.

And, Todd... I mean
this in the best way...

But you're... you're a solid beta.

I know. What are we gonna do?

- Just go talk to him.
- We don't want

to make him feel uncomfortable.

You know? Look, how about this?

I'll write him a fair
but firmly worded note,

and I'll pick out a card stock
that shows I mean business.

You know? And we'll...
we'll sign it from the group.

Todd, just talk to him.
He's a reasonable guy.

You're right.

You know what, I'm
just gonna go down there

and ask him what the deal is, you know,

and-and if he says he wants
to have a baby with Erica,

then, you know, out
comes the stationery.

That's my tiger.

MIKE: ♪ We gonna rock ♪

(HARMONIZING): ♪ Down
to Electric Avenue ♪

♪ And then we'll take it higher... ♪

No, no, no, lower.

No, it's "higher."

No, I mean sing lower.

Oh, you want me to sing "higher" lower.

- Yes.
- Got it. Okay.

♪ We're gonna rock ♪

♪ Down to Electric Avenue,
and then we'll take it ♪

- (LOW): ♪ Higher ♪
- (HIGH): ♪ Higher ♪

- Like that?
- No, a little lower.

Lower? ♪ Higher ♪

- ♪ La ♪
- ♪ Higher ♪

- You're getting there.
- ♪ Higher. ♪

Mike, uh...

We-we need... we need to talk.

- Oh. One sec, bud, okay? Okay.
- Hold on.

BOTH: ♪ And then
we'll take it higher ♪

- ♪ Higher ♪
- ♪ Higher ♪

- ♪ Higher, higher ♪
- ♪ Higher, higher ♪

- ♪ Higher ♪
- ♪ Higher ♪

Mike...

- ♪ That's you ♪
- Yeah.

- ♪ And this is me ♪
- Mike.

(LOW): ♪ High... ♪

Wh-What are your intentions?

Oh, uh, to nail this harmony

and then roll right into...
♪ Oh, when the saints ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints ♪

- ♪ Go marching in ♪
- ♪ Go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints
go marching in ♪

♪ Lord, how I want ♪

- ♪ To be in that number ♪
- Mike.

Mike.

♪ When those saints
go marching in. ♪

No, I mean what are your
intentions with Erica?!

My intentions?

I... Well, what are you talking about?

As you know, Erica and
I have an agreement.

And I'm not letting anything
get in the way of that.

Uh... Mike, can you give us a-a minute?

Uh, sure, yeah.

What's up, bud?

Choose.

What?

Him or me? Who's it gonna be?

He's my brother.

So you choose him?

(STAMMERS) I'm not choosing anyone.

You've already made your choice, bud.

_

_

_

Hi, Todd.

I didn't do it.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY) You, uh...

didn't do what?

I didn't vandalize your truck.

- Oh, you didn't, huh?
- Nope.

I walked by it, it was
in, uh, pristine condition,

and then I came in here, and, you know,

I've been modeling ever since.

Haven't seen a soul.

Well, uh, if you haven't seen a soul,

- how did you know it was vand...
- Look, I didn't do it, okay?

It was Los Punkos, a Mexican g*ng.

Street toughs.

Look, Todd, I'm not gonna...

pretend to understand what's going on

inside that head of yours
right now, but, um...

well, just so we're clear,

I'm not here to do anything but
see my brother and my friends.

Is that so?

Yeah.

And just to be even more clear, I...

I consider you to be
one of those friends.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Look, as a... a friend...

who has spent most of
the last four years...

completely alone, I-I'd love
to offer you some advice.

You know, I'd encourage
you to count your blessings.

You're married to an incredible woman,

and you've got a second incredible woman

that wants to have your baby.

And you live with a family
of people who love you.

Well, I'd hate for you
to take that for granted.

'Cause that would be a real shame.

Knock, knock.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Look, I-I don't know if now
is a good time for you...

- No, no, no, it's a good time.
- Oh, great. Good, 'cause I...

Look, I have... I have something
I really need to say to you.

- Todd...
- Look, I-I just really owe you an apology.

Since we started
trying to have a baby...

I haven't been myself.

The way I've been acting

has damaged the relationships I cherish.

And for what?

You know, some Hail Mary
chance at having a baby?

It's just... it's just not worth it.

So I think it's time that
we just both take a step back

and agree that we...

we just can't do this.

Okay?

I'm pregnant.

- What?
- Yeah.

(SOBBING): Congratulations.

- Be right back.
- Oh.

You okay?

(TODD SNIFFLES)

(CRYING): Never been better.

Then why are you crying?

I mean,

I put you in this situation...

(SNIFFLES) you may not even
want to be in anymore, you know?

Todd...

I knew what I was signing up for.

Yeah, you thought you
did, and then I went nuts.

You did. You definitely did.

But I know who you are.

You're a kind and wonderful man

that got a little bit off track.

Don't worry, I'll get you back

in the second and third trimesters.

I guess we're doing this, huh?

We're doing this.

TANDY AND MIKE: ♪ Reunited ♪

♪ And it feels so good ♪

♪ Reunited ♪

♪ 'Cause we understood ♪

♪ There's one perfect fit... ♪

The first one must've
been a false negative.

(SCOFFS) These expired tests

are an emotional roller coaster.

I hope this isn't a false positive.

I think you're good, Carol.

(BOTH VOCALIZING)

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS)

(CAROL LAUGHS)

Well, Klosterman's dogs are
barking, so, night, y'all.

Yeah. Thanks, everyone.

- Congrats, Erica.
- (CAROL SIGHS)

Yeah, Tandy, I'm gonna head to bed, too.

- Okay, I'll be there in a few.
- Okay.

- Hey, you want to sing another one?
- Sure. Yeah.

- All right, all right. Let me...
- (BABY CRYING)

Oh, Tandy, do you mind
helping me with the babies?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure. Be right there.

Yeah, sorry, bud. We'll do it tomorrow.

- Oh. Yeah, no problem.
- Night.

Good night.

(SIGHS)

What the hell?