01x03 - Mummy Returns

[bunniefuu]

Now fly into my arms.
Come on fly! Fly like a bat.

Dad, this is stupid.

It's not stupid, it's fun!

Now, come on. Every young
vampire must learn how to fly.

- Why haven't you taught me?
- Ingrid, it's because you're a girl.

Look.

- I've got to get to school.
- You did it! You flew!

From the table to the ground.

Oh, my son and heir!
Where's my money bag?

Dad, for the last time, I can't...
believe it!

I can fly!

You're not seriously giving him
£ for that? That's so unfair!

Oh, Ingrid, darling,

I shall never understand
this irrational jealousy

of my favourite child.

Vlad,
let's see you flying from up there.

What? Erm...

Yeah, come on.
Let's see you in action.

I'd love to, but...
I'd better not be late for school.

Bye.

I wouldn't be treated like this
if Mum was here.

Well, she isn't, is she?

So tough peasants!

- Dad, what are you doing?
- Sssh!

Vampire surveillance.

- Can't we give slaying a rest?
- No, we can't.

I know Vlad's a vampire!
I just need to prove it!

- No, what you need is help!
- Ow!

Thank you, boys.
Just down here will be fine.

Not you, the bag! Go on, scram!

Ooh. Someone got out of their coffin
the wrong side.

Ingrid's sulking cos I can fly
and she can't.

You'll be flying out the window
if you carry on!

Oh and by the way,

Mum says hello.

Mum? You've spoken to Mum?

I've asked her to stay
for a couple of days.

- You did what?
- Don't you want to see her?

Which Mum are we talking about?

I'm thinking of the back-stabbing witch
from hell!

Cool!
She sounds like a proper vampire.

You two haven't got
a fang between you.

Just you wait till I'm , Branagh.

- Are you OK, Vlad?
- Yeah. Why shouldn't I be?

Gotcha!

(Thud)

Ow.

So I carry the one

and add up the columns,
which makes...

, .

Correct!

I never realised doing homework
could be so much fun!

You're joking. I'd rather
have my tongue pulled out.

Don't say that when Mum gets here.
Wouldn't want to give her ideas.

You think she'll turn up
after letting us down?

Mum doesn't care about us.

She ran off with a werewolf.
Get over it!

Werewolf? This gets better and better!
Is he coming too?

Ignore her.
My mum is not coming to stay!

Hello, darlings.

Oh, is that the time?
Come on, Robin.

Oh, Mum, I've missed you.
I hate living with Dad!

There, there, don't cry.
No, really, don't.

It's Versace.

And how's my little Vladdy?

Goodness, haven't you changed?

- Not that much, I haven't.
- Oh, Vlad.

I didn't recognise you.

(Splutters and coughs)

Who let the skunks out?
Oh, it's you Mistress Magda.

You're still around, are you?

Take my case
up to the spare coffin, serf.

I'll see you all at dinner.
Or for dinner, even.

- Your mum's awesome!
- Yeah, isn't she?

Dad'll be so pleased to see her.

Out!

- But Bun-Buns...
- And don't call me Bun-Buns!

Now go on, back to that
manky dog you left me for!

Patrick and I have
been having some problems.

And you came crawling back to me?

I thought I'd pop in
for a drink and a chat.

I brought our favourite tipple.

"French Aristocrat ".

There's a spare towel
in the airing cupboard.

But if I catch hide or hair
of that werewolf,

you're straight out the door, psycho!

Wow! That's beautiful!

Just seeing you back together.

I am so over her.

Did you think there was
a bit of chemistry then?

(Organ plays)

Is this your idea of a sick joke?

- They're Mum's favourite.
- You know what I mean.

Dad'll get hurt again.

Dad, the cold-hearted
Prince of Darkness?

Ow.
These trousers are pinching a bit.

What are you wearing?

Hot stuff, eh?
If Patrick can pull it off, so can I.

- Ow!
- Dad, you don't need to dress up.

Just be yourself. You and Mum
were meant to be together.

Yeah, until she left us.

Stop being so negative!

- Don't you want us to be a family?
- Not if she leaves. And she will.

We don't need another vampire
trying to bite people's heads off.

How many people have I att*cked
since we got here?

- We've had different postmen.
- Master Vlad has a point.

Hey! Let's get rid of her.
I can put garlic in her soup.

Renfield.

Do you want these worms in your face?

I'd rather eat them.

(Screaming)

You hear that, Jonno?

Another innocent victim
of the evil Count Dracula.

You actually saw him bite someone?

Yes. Sort of.

No.

Well, sharpen the wooden stakes.
The guy's clearly a vampire.

They're vampires. There's even
a mother vampire. I heard it.

Dad, trust me.
I spend all day with Vlad.

- I think I'd know if...
- That's it!

What is?

Here's me doing
all this secret surveillance

when you're in his class.
Jonno, you will be my mole!

Mole?
I'm not being anyone's "mole".

- I'll be your special agent.
- Hey, that's my boy.

Special agent. Code name...

Mole.

So, how do I look, Vladdy?

Desperate?

Fantastic!

Mum's never going to come back
and live here.

And why would you want the world's
worst Mum back?

She's selfish, manipulative
and totally evil.

- Hi, Mum.
- Vlad, darling.

- Why do you hate me?
- I don't... hate you.

I just don't want us all
to get hurt again.

I mean, how long are
you gonna stay this time?

Well, that's down to your father,
isn't it?

(Organ plays)

I know I've been a bad mother,
but we all make mistakes.

I just wish
we could be a family again.

Well, Dad's not falling for it
this time. Are you, Dad?

- Oh, Magda.
- Oof!

- Oh, Bun-Buns.
- Welcome home.

(Organ stops)

- Now Mum's back, I want Vlad's room.
- That sounds fair.

Hang on, Dad gave me that room.
Didn't you, Dad?

- Vlad, just do as your mother says.
- But, Dad!

It's me, your son and heir.

Vladdy. You're not going to let
them take away my room, are you?

I'm going on a chat show

called Mum's A Two-Timing,
Blood-Sucking Vampire,

My Dumb-Wit Sister Asked Her
To Live With Us!

Get over it. Mum's back.

Until full moon when she runs off
with another werewolf.

OK, firstly,
that's not going to happen.

And, secondly,
I've got your room now... Sucker!

- That's it, I've gotta get rid of her.
- Are you serious?

She'll ruin it all.
Dad's thrown me out of my room.

There are worse things that could happen.

It's not just that. She's done this
ever since we were little...

turns up, promises the world,
then leaves.

I can't go through it again.

OK, it's a bit radical, but there is
one way to get rid of her.

Remember what your Dad said?

If he found hide or hair of that
werewolf, she'd be out the door.

Mmm, nice idea, Chloe, but where
are we going to find werewolf hair?

Eh? Uh, I'm just going for a...

um... No!

And, of course,
we'll need a bigger coffin.

Magda, please, I'm trying to sleep.

(Howling)

What was that?
Sounded like a...

Werewolf hair!
All over the upstairs bathroom.

What?

Mum, you can sneak your boyfriend in,

but tell him to clean
round the plughole.

Out!

But, Bun-Buns...

Go on out, witch!

Dad, please, just give her one
more chance.

You can give that room
back to Vlad.

What? Just because Mum...

Betrayed us all?
I warned you this might happen.

Aargh!

Ooh!

Ah... Bun-Buns,
it's still daylight out there.

I mean, where am I supposed to go?

- It won't work.
- You say we should help the homeless.

Robin, it's a nice idea,
but we can't have any old tramp...

Ahem.

Homeless person staying in the...

Hi. I'm Graham.

- Please allow me.
- No, I've got it!

- I've got it!
- Let go.

(Squabbling)

So, Vlad, now we know the truth.

- What truth?
- The werewolf hair.

I'm sorry you had to find out
about your mother.

Yeah.

You defended the family honour.
You know what this family means to me.

- Dad, I'm leaving.
- Right, cheerio.

I'm not joking.
Let Mum back or I'm walking.

OK. Oh, and Ingrid...
close the door when you leave.

Right. You've asked for it.
I'm going to the Branaghs'.

At least, I'll get attention round there.

Oh, there must be something
in this house I can eat!

Sorry you didn't like the carbonara.

Ah!

Who's this then?

Oh, that's us at our wedding.

I bet you broke a few hearts
when you got married.

Actually, we never got married.

I couldn't see what was in it
for me.

It's a celebration of love
and commitment.

And if Dad dies, Mum gets everything.

- Robin?
- Robin!

- Excuse me.
- Really?

So if I was to marry Countie,
for example,

and he happened to meet
with a violent accident,

I'd get the castle?

Yes, but it doesn't look like
he'll marry you now, does it?

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, don't all rush at once.

Chin up, Magda. Lots of people
would give their right arm to marry you.

- Yeah.
- Well...

it's the neck I'm after.

- Mum!
- Ingrid! What are you doing here?

I've left Dad. From now,
I'll be living with you.

Oh, wonderful.

(Zoltan snoring)

- Dad? It's the middle of the night!
- Exactly.

- Time for your next flying lesson.
- What?

Go on, out boy!
Fly like the wind!

- But, Dad, I can't fly!
- But I gave you £ .

All right, I lied.

Oh... Oh, well, never mind.

- Night, Vladdy.
- Is that it?

Aren't you at least going to say
you're disappointed?

How could I?

I mean, if it wasn't for you
finding that werewolf hair,

that cheating mother of yours
would still be here,

running her ice-cool fingers
through my hair.

You really love her, don't you?

Love her?

Whatever gave you that idea?

Night, Vlad.

Ingrid?

- Yes, you can carry my bag.
- Why would I want to carry your bag?

What's your Mum's favourite music?
I'm doing a compilation CD.

- What, for my Mum?
- Sad, isn't it?

Do you think she'll like this?

Argh!

Argh! Argh!

- All right, Ingrid?
- Yes!

- How's Mum?
- What do you care?

I just hope she wasn't feeling too guilty.

You know,
about the werewolf hair.

- Mum's fine. Sends her love.
- Really?

What do you think?

So there's your target, Agent Mole.

Go over there and get them talking.

Find out if the mother's arrived.

And remember, act normal.

Huh, look who's talking.

What's up with you?

Nothing's up. Apart from ketchup
sandwiches. Again!

So no twinges of guilt
about the werewolf hair?

No! I definitely did the right thing.

It's just...
Dad does seem really upset.

I mean, what if him and Mum
were meant to be together?

Hey, dudes, mind if I join you?

- Yes!
- Thanks.

- So I hear your Mum's visiting.
- You heard wrong.

Hey, Vlad, does your Mum
like slugs at all?

- Robin!
- Oh, right, yeah.

Mum's the word, absolutely.

But it's so cool having her
living at ours.

- Robin!
- Really?

No!

You sup with the devil
and you'll become one!

You have any idea
what was in that sandwich?

Tomato ketchup.
And half a beetle. Eurgh!

Come on. Let's go!

- So it wasn't blood?
- Of course it wasn't blood.

Maybe you're not cut out for this.
What have we learned? Nothing.

So you knew Vlad's mum was living
round the Branaghs', did you?

So it's true then? The Countess
herself has come to town.

I think it's time
we paid her a visit.

- "Vermin Busters"?!
- Clever, eh?

- And we won't get recognised?
- No.

Bye, Mr Van Helsing.

- Right, that's it. I'm going home.
- Jonno!

No, Dad.
You're just so embarrassing!

From now on you're on your own.
Goodbye.

Good afternoon, Madam.
Vermin Busters here.

I believe you may have some
unwanted guests in your house.

- I beg your pardon?
- I'm here to exterminate vermin.

- Vermin?
- Yes, vermin!

Pests! Parasites!

- I think you've got the wrong house.
- Behind you.

Vamp... I mean vermin. Vermin.

What? Magda, you mean?
How dare you!

She may come from a different
cultural heritage,

but that's no excuse for bigotry!

But...

I'm sorry about that, Magda.

Call me for a free extermination!

Good day, Mr Vermin Buster!
I'll put this rubbish straight in the bin.

Actually, no,
I'll take that, thank you.

I may have some vermin
of my own to attend to.

So are the twins not falling
at your feet any more?

I thought they went for
the vampire look.

They do.

- So what's the problem?
- Mum is the problem.

I wish I'd never asked her to stay.

I did warn you she might be trouble.

Trouble? She's a selfish old witch!
You know what?

- I'm glad Dad chucked her out.
- Really?

She deserves everything she gets.

So... if, for example,

it turned out that I hadn't found
werewolf hair in the plughole...

Vlad...

Did you or did you not

find werewolf hair in the plughole?

- Not as such, no.
- You little maggot!

Like you said,
it's a good thing it happened.

She was bound to leave us.

But what if it had worked out?
We could have been happy together.

I know, I messed up. I'm sorry.

Well, maybe there's a way
we can fix it.

Your father sent me this?!

You know, Mum,
I think he still loves you.

Your mother sent me this?

Yikes, she must really hate me.

No, Dad, it's a token of affection.

Well, if she thinks she can win me
over with some cheap bit of fluff...

Darling, I'm sorry!

No, I'm sorry!

- Marry me.
- Marry you?

Well, we don't want to rush things

but how are you fixed
for tomorrow night?

I can't believe this.
Mum's going to stay forever!

- It's like a fantastic dream.
- A nightmare.

Vlad, wake up! Your Mum's
up to something, I'm sure of it.

Chloe, don't interfere.
This is my big day.

I mean, Vlad's big day.

Now... how do I look?

Cool!

Darling, your phone,
it's... "Vermin Busters".

Ah, yes, the DJ.

(Sniffing) Mwah!

Vladdy! Let me check you.

Vermin Busters?

Mm-hm. Mmm?

- You're late!
- The bag's heavy.

Well, let's get on with it.

(Organ strikes up)

- It's seven o'clock, where is she?
- Dad, relax. It's gonna be fine.

Robin!
Listen, we have to stop the wedding.

Oh, give it a rest, Chloe.

Magda is in league with Mr Van Helsing!

She'll marry the Count
and then bump him off.

Wow, that's really evil.

And wrong, of course.

So, after the ceremony,
I will lure him upstairs.

You spring out, slay him
and the castle shall be mine.

And what's to stop me
from slaying you as well, mmm?

I'm joking, obviously.

I'll be upstairs.

- What are we going to do?
- There's only one thing to do.

Tell Vlad.

(Organ plays the wedding march)

Vlad, hold my phone.

We are gathered here today
to witness

the joyless union
between two vampires.

- Get off!
- Van Helsing!

(Flapping and bat squeaks)

Is that you...

Dracula?

Skulking around in the dark,

like the dead rat you are.

Well...

prepare to meet Van Helsing.

(Screams)

Vlad, I'd get that old sewage chute
blocked up if I were you.

Yeah, someone could have
a really bad accident.

Hey, Vlad, high five!

Sorry.
I don't see what's to celebrate.

We've beaten Van Helsing.
Your dad's safe.

Safe to marry the woman
who tried to slay him?

What if she tries it again?

This is what I've been saying all day.
You must stop the wedding.

How? I can't tell Dad
about Van Helsing, can I?

He'll move us all back to Transylvania.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know, Robin.

I just wish I'd never trusted
my mum again.

(Mobile phone rings)

And so, before we move on
to the vows, I must ask

if any person knows any reason...

any reason whatsoever

why these two should not be joined
together in matrimony?

No one?

Are you sure?

Stop the wedding!
She doesn't love you.

Of course she does.
She sent me that animal to prove it.

No, she didn't.
It was me and Ingrid.

Shut it, Vlad.

So the kids got us back together,
who cares?

I still love you, darling.

Ah.

That's good enough for me.
Renfield, carry on.

All right, fine.
But if she loves you,

how come she's still getting calls
from Patrick?

'Hey, Princess. Wolfie here.

'Good luck with getting
your hands on the castle.

'Just having my back waxed.

(Rip) 'Ow!

'I'll see you tonight
for a celebration.'

(Patrick howls)

What?

Some people
have no sense of humour.

Come on, Ingrid.
Let's go to Monte Carlo.

What? To live with you and Patrick?
No way!

Dad might be a pain in the neck,
but at least he doesn't moult!

Bye, Mum.

Bye, darlings. I'll see you soon.

(Quiet game sound effects)

How d'you get on?
Slay any vampires?

(Noisy zaps and shouts)

(Game switched off)
What happened to you?

I nearly had him, Jonno.
I nearly slayed a vampire.

- Course you did.
- I did! I swear!

And the next time,
I will triumph.

Believe me, the name Van Helsing
will be spread far and wide.

Yeah, it's the smell of Van Helsing
that's spreading right now.

Well, Vladdy, if it wasn't for you,
I'd be off on honeymoon

with that vile, cold-hearted,
treacherous woman.

Why did you have to ruin it for me?

Because, Dad, she doesn't love you.

Of course she doesn't -
she's a vampire, stupid!

It would have been so nice
to have her back. Oh, Magda!

Magda?

No... Renfield.

(Screaming)