01x05 - Home Education

[bunniefuu]

Cock a doodle doo!

Cock a doodle doo... ooo!

Zoltan! You're a wolf not a cockerel.
Please try to remember that.

I'm sorry, Master Vlad. Your father
wants to see you straight away.

That doesn't sound very good.
Is he angry?

- No, he's not angry.
- Phew.

He's furious.
He's been reading your school report.

- But my report's good.
- Yes.

That seems to be the problem.

"Vlad is a nice boy
who is a pleasure to teach."

Nice? Nice!

You're a vampire, Vlad,
and vampires are never nice.

- Not even at Christmas.
- Dad, I'm not like you.

I can't do charming and deadly.

But you can do pathetic and loser really well.

Face it, Dad. He's just not cut out
to be a vampire.

Me, on the other hand...

"Ingrid is a born trouble-maker
who delights in causing

"as much disruption as possible."

Oh, Ingrid. Can't you see I'm busy
with the future Count Dracula here?

But I'm the eldest,
I want to inherit the title.

- Mmm, Countess Dracula?
- Countess Dracula!

- That's a good one!
- That's a good one!

Vlad, wake up and smell the coffin.

Now promise me you'll try harder
to cause trouble at school.

- Yes, Dad.
- That's my boy.

"Robin is moody and difficult
in class.

"He only cheers up
when he's dissecting a frog.

"Please could you ask him
not to do this during maths."

Morning.

- Morning.
- Why the long faces?

It's Robin's school report.
It's not good.

We can't all be child geniuses,
little Miss Einstein.

Besides how many GSCEs do you
need to be a grave digger?

Ha, ha.

Shouldn't you two be out playing rugby
and getting badly injured?

- C'mon, I'm hungry.
- Race you to the muesli.

Oh, Robin. Why can't you
be happy like Ian and Paul?

They're not happy.
They're concussed.

Look, Robin. Mum and Dad just don't
want you to end up on the streets

having to beg people for money.

Unlike my dad, who wants me
to make people beg for their lives.

You just can't keep away, can you, Ingrid?

You're drawn to me
like a moth to a flame.

Drop dead, Branagh.

If you think I'm going to stand back
and watch you inherit my castle,

you're more stupid than he looks.

You think I like being Count Junior?
Dad's waited years for a son.

It would have made my life
a lot easier if I was born a girl.

You know, you really shouldn't say that out loud.

I'm going to show Dad
why I should be his favourite.

I'm going to be the biggest
troublemaker the school has ever seen.

Ooh! Opening an umbrella indoors.
That's bad.

You go, girl.

Dad's not gonna be impressed by that.

(Fire alarm rings)

I stand corrected... and wet.

You know,
your sister really is quite twisted.

- I like that about her.
- Well, don't just stand there.

Turn it off!

It wasn't us!

Do the words "red-handed"
ring any bells?

I'm suspending you two
until further notice.

Looks like I'll be having
a word with your father.

Won't that be nice?

- I suppose you think this is funny?
- Funny?

I think it's terrible what happened,
I mean who could do such a...?

You look hilarious!
Wait till my dad hears about this.

He won't have to wait very long.
Vlad's probably telling him as we speaks.

Vlad?

Van Helsing suspended him and Robin
over the fire alarm.

- They're in a lot of trouble because of you.
- No!

(Music and trumpets play)

Bravo, Vlad! Bravo!

I'm guessing
the school rang you then?

Suspended!

Vlad, I knew you could do it,
you young hellraiser!

Congratulations, Master.
I have baked a cake in your honour.

- You shouldn't have.
- It's chocolate

and pigs' blood.

Really, you shouldn't have.

Mmmm... sweet and tangy!

I have composed a poem
to celebrate your great achievement.

There once was a vampire called Vlad

Who was terribly naughty and bad

He got suspended from school
And learnt to be cruel

So now he can fang-out with his dad.

This is ridiculous!

Well, it probably needs a bit
of work but...

I mean this.
I don't want to be suspended.

I want to learn things.
I want to lead a normal life!

More cake anyone?

- I'll make a start on the washing up.
- Pssst.

Don't leave me here.

I am very disappointed in you.

I'm sorry, Master,
I'm just not good with family rows.

- Not you! Him!
- Waaaaah!

Ooof! I'll just be over here
if you need me.

Oh, Dad! You've got to stop
creeping up on me like that.

It's all part of the training.

A good vampire hunter never drops
his guard. You can't be too careful.

They could be anywhere.

What, you mean
like that one behind you?

I'm serious. Now listen,
I'll need your help later.

- We're going slaying.
- You know, Dad.

Just for once, it would be nice if you said,
"Let's go bowling." or "Let's go to the cinema."

But slaying is fun.

You call hiding behind some rocks
watching the castle all night fun?

This is different. The time
for watching and waiting is over.

Vlad has given me the perfect
excuse to suspend him.

So?

Which gives me the perfect
excuse to visit the castle.

- We're going in!
- But, Dad, they're not vampires!

We've been watching them for weeks.

The only things that bite
are mosquitoes.

Sometimes you have to go
with your gut reaction.

I know all about your gut reaction.
We share a caravan toilet.

But I'm not going to let you
slay that family.

Oh, yeah? Just try and stop me.

This is your new timetable.

am, fang hygiene

followed by
double coffin maintenance.

(Bell rings)

And after lunch it's hypnosis
and flying.

What about my friends? If I don't
go to school, I'll hardly see them.

We're vampires, Vlad. A friend is
someone we haven't bitten yet.

The Branaghs, Master.

Ah, welcome... friends!

Isn't it terrible,
Vlad and Robin getting suspended?

Terrible.

And I hate to think of all
the lessons they're missing.

So, you're teaching Vlad yourself?

Well, I don't like to brag,

but I am an expert
on most things in life.

Please, will you teach Robin?
He can't afford to fall behind in his school work.

- He's doing badly enough as it is.
- Thanks for the vote of confidence, mom.

I'm not sure it's a good idea. These boys
are a bad influence on each other.

Bad influence, you say?

Mmm.

Leave him with me,
I'll see what I can do.

I'm sorry to hear about Vlad.

Why is everybody always
so concerned about Vlad?

You sound just like my dad.
It's always Vlad this, Vlad that.

You've Vlad enough of it?

I've heard there's a great film
on at the cinema.

You should go and see it.
Get out of the castle. All of you.

The whole family. Tonight.

Is that your lame way
of asking me on a date?

No, I'm just trying to be helpful.

Oh, you can help all right.
You can help get me suspended.

Now, look into my eyes.

Deep into my eyes...

As you can see,

the sharp fangs enable the vampire

to bite into the neck of their victim
and drain them of blood.

Ah, but be careful if they've
just been trampolining

as it can be a bit fizzy.

Now you must be rather peckish
after your hard morning's study.

Renfield has prepared something
special for you.

Wow, this looks posh.
Better than school dinners any day!

Mmmm. Yummy.

You've really outdone yourself
this time, Renfield.

Bon appetit.

Garlic.

Deadly to adult vampires but, well...

- Harmless at your age.
- Harmless?

On a first date these can be lethal.

I want you to eat one
so you're familiar with the taste.

Know your enemy and all that.
Of course this doesn't apply to...

This doesn't apply to you, Robin,
so you don't have to eat yours.

Mmm. Mmmm. Mmmmmmmm.

Not bad. You should try some.

This is all a dream!

I'm gonna wake up
and find I'm back in school.

Eat.

Jonathan! What are you doing, lad?
Get down!

Doesn't he look lovely?
I told him to do it.

I'm sure you're very angry and will want
to suspend me immediately.

Go back to your class.
I'll deal with you later.

- I said get down!
- But it's all my fault!

- Aren't you going to punish me?
- All in good time, young lady.

All in good time.

Remember, Vlad.

The key to hypnotising your victim

is to look deep...

into their eyes.

I'm feeling a little uncomfortable
with the word victim.

It's no use, Dad, I'll never gonna get it.
I keep going cross-eyed.

Even Ingrid's mastered this
and she's a girl. Look.

I'll show you how it's done.

You make eye contact
and then you draw them in,

freezing them with your gaze
like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

And then before you know it,
they're...

They're what?

Dad?

You've hypnotised him!

- No way!
- You have! Watch this!

Hello, my name is Count Dracula-la

la la laaaaaa!

How did I do that?

You are now a true vampire!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Can you stop that?
You're freaking me out.

Sorry. I mean, sorry.

You do realise what this means?

I won't make it as a ventriloquist?

No. I'm going to grow up
to be a vampire

and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm going to watch all my friends
grow old and die

and I'll still be here,

flapping around in
this gloomy old castle.

You make it sound so negative.

You have the power to hypnotise
people, make them do what you want.

- Surely that's a plus?
- That's it!

Why didn't I think of that?

Dad, from now on
you are no longer a vampire.

- You're just a regular dad.
- What are you doing?

This way, for once in my life,

I'll have a normal dad
and I can be a normal kid!

You know this place is a bit gloomy.

What it needs a lick of paint to brighten
things up. I'm thinking...

sunflower yellow.

What do you reckon?

He used to be dark and interesting.
Now he's just like my dad.

Pardon me for being selfish, but this isn't
exactly a win-win situation for me, is it?

He's my dad and I'll hypnotise him
how I want, thank you very much.

Fair enough, but in that case you've
got to do me a one small favour.

Are you trying to make
a laughing stock out of me?

I'm sorry.
I don't know what got in to me.

Ingrid must hypnotised you.
It's a basic vampire skill.

She's not a vampire. She's manipulative.
It's a basic teenage skill.

I told you. A good slayer
never drops his guard.

- And I told you, I'm not a slayer!
- Jonathan.

Whether we like it or not,
we're Van Helsings.

And it's our duty to hunt down
and slay vampires.

Don't forget,
a family that slays together...

Stays together.

If you don't want to help me, then fine.
I'll do it myself.

A number seven should be
the right size for the Count.

What if he's not a vampire?

What if he's just a foreign guy trying
to make a new home for his family?

Welcome to our country.
Wallop! You're dead.

That's a point.

- I'll need these for the family.
- This is crazy!

Right, that's it!
I'm coming with you.

I'm gonna prove they're not vampires
and then we're never slaying again.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.
What mallet do you want?

Wood or rubber?

(He plays sombre tune)

(Music continues)

- What's going on?
- Have we had a power cut?

Do you mind?
I was pretending to play that.

Mum and Dad are gonna not like this.

- "Elizabeth Branagh."
- "Graham Branagh."

- Oh, no! You don't mean...?
- Mum and Dad, they're...

- Having a nap.
- What?

- Hello, kids.
- Had a good day at school?

Aaaargh!

Looks like you and Vlad
have been busy.

- Hi, Ingrid.
- Hi, Dad.

- You just said hello to me.
- Of course, my poppet.

Why wouldn't I say hello
to my favourite daughter?

Right.

- What's going on?
- Nothing's going on.

I just thought I'd bring
a little sunshine into our lives.

- Where's Vlad?
- Up in his room watching TV.

But, you said we couldn't have
a TV in our bedrooms.

I don't remember saying that.
I don't remember much at all.

Master,
what colour do you want next?

Sunflower Yellow or Daisy Delight?

Mmmm. What do you think, Ingrid?

Ingrid?

- This is the life, eh, Zoltan?
- Yes, Master.

I'm surprised the Count agreed to this.
It is most unlike him.

Well, well, well.
Who's been a busy boy then?

I don't know what you're talking about.

What are you doing?

I believe Mistress Ingrid intends to
throw the television receiving device

out of the window.
Which can't be good for it.

You've hypnotised Dad, haven't you?

You've turned him into
Mr DIY regular guy.

OK, yes!

I may have accidentally
hypnotised him.

I told him he wasn't a vampire.

And I have to say, Master, I don't think
that was one of your better ideas.

I just wanted to see how it would
be like having a normal dad

who didn't want to teach me
how to turn into a bat.

- Was that so wrong?
- No, I suppose not.

After all, he's been a vampire for years.
The change will do him good.

No! What did you do that for?

We're vampires, Vlad.
Always have been, always will be.

You can't change that.

I don't want Dad to be normal.

I want him to make me
the Princess of Darkness.

- You could have a TV in your room!
- Or could you throw it out of your window.

And... pizza!

I'm going to change him back.

You'd better not hypnotise
anybody else ever again.

I know that guilty look, Master.

It reminds me of when
you were toilet training.

What have you done?

Robin, this is getting scary.
Please change them back.

- It's just a bit of fun.
- Tell that to Ian and Paul.

I've never seen them run so fast.

Time for dinner, I think.

We'll start with the youngest.

- Do you want first bite?
- Ooh, could I? I'm parched.

Dad! What are you doing?

It's me, Chloe!

Robin! Do something!

You're not really vampires.
You're just pretending! Wake up!

- Robin!
- Let's get out of here.

- He's stolen our dinner!
- The greedy pig!

Hey, princess! How's it hanging?

Dad, I want you to look into my eyes.
Deep into my eyes.

You know Ingrid, you really are growing up
to be a lovely young lady.

Really?

Look, I've been reading your school report
and I know you can do a whole lot better.

I am here for you. We can sit down
and work this thing out.

- You want to spend time with me?
- As long as it takes.

But you never want
to spend time with me.

Well, that's all going to change.
Come here.

I love you, Ingrid.

I love you too, Dad.

Hey, what is it, sugar plum?

This is wrong, all wrong.

(Doorbell rings)
Ah, that'll be my guest.

I've invited Mr Van Helsing for dinner
to discuss Vlad's suspension.

Could you let Vlad know he's here?

Let me do the talking.
You can't be too careful

coming face to face
with the Prince of Darkness.

Mr Van Helsing.

Mr Count?
Sorry, I didn't recognise you.

You look... different.

Have you done something
with your hair?

Look, I am so sorry
about Vlad's behaviour today.

It's good of you to come and see me.
Please, please. Do come in.

Oi! Your dorky woodwork teacher's
here to see you.

- Van Helsing?
- Duh!

No! Oh, this can't be happening!

Take a chill pill, Vladerella.
They'll let you go back to school soon.

You don't understand.
Van Helsing is a slayer!

What?! You didn't think
to mention this before?

Sorry.

So, are you trying to tell me
that Dad is downstairs

chatting with a vampire slayer?

Yes! Dad won't know how to fight him
or how to use his powers.

This is what happens when you turn
people into someone they're not.

I should never have hypnotised them
in the first place!

"Them"?
What do you mean, "them"?

- Vlad, I'm going to k*ll you!
- Mum and Dad are after our blood!

You just don't know when to stop,
do you?

You're worse than
a werewolf at full moon!

- OK, so I made a mistake.
- A mistake?

Our dad, Count Normal, is downstairs
talking to a vampire slayer!

That's not a mistake, that's fatal!

Time for a spot of slaying, son.

Wait! Mr Count doesn't even
look like a vampire.

Just let me at him.

- Is everything all right?
- Yes, no problem.

Ah, welcome!

Just in time to discuss
our boys' suspension.

Who cares about that?
We've come for a bite to eat!

We've hit the jackpot, son.

It's time to break up
this little vampire club.

You take the girl,
I'll take the two guys.

I'm not taking anyone!
They're not vampires.

Look! Those two are wearing plastic fangs!

Call yourself a slayer?

You can't even spot a vampire
when he's three feet away!

Fine, I'll take them all.
Me on my own, I'll do it!

- Fine! Go to jail on your own.
- Would you care to join us?

Mr Van Helsing,
we're so glad you're here.

- We really want to apologise about earlier.
- That's the spirit, boys!

Now let's all sit down
and talk about this school suspension.

See if we can work something out.

Mum! What are doing here? You and Dad
will be late for the fancy dress party.

- See?
- We're late for dinner...

- How's the stir-fry coming along?
- It's burnt. Totally ruined.

Shame. We'll have to do
this another night.

Well, that's sorted.
Time we were leaving.

We're going anywhere.
Time we stopped messing about

and finished the job
we came here to do!

Quite right! We need to talk this
suspension thing through properly.

Now Renfield, check out the kitchen.
I'm sure there's something we can eat.

- Yes, I'm sure.
- Come on!

Anyone fancy a canape?

Mmm. Tasty.

Mmmm.
You're right, this is delicious.

Apparently,
they're very good for your blood.

- Here you go, eat up.
- But we can't eat garlic.

A-ha! Told you.

Now, now! You'd be annoyed
if I didn't eat what I was given.

It can't be one rule for me
and one rule for you.

He's right.
We need to set a good example.

- Garlic-eating vampires.
- This can't be right.

What about a piece for me?
I'm starving.

Oh, dear,
looks like I had the last one.

How convenient.

Don't worry, Dad.
I've got a piece for you.

Vlad, no!

Mmm.

It's a bit dry but... not too bad.

He ate garlic.

- It's been great. I think it's time we got going.
- What about the suspension?

- I was wrong all this time.
- See? It was a mistake.

Suspension over. Bye.

Don't be strangers now!

Right, we've got to change them back.
Agreed?

- Agreed.
- Agreed.

Will Mum and Dad
still be after my blood?

Unfortunately not.
They won't remember a thing.

Lucky them.

My gut tells me I'm right
about that family,

but my nose tells me I'm wrong.

Oh, I'm a rubbish slayer!
I know. Go on - say it.

You just need some practice.

You're right, son.
We shouldn't give up.

They are vampires.
And I'm going to prove it.

Master, we've run out
of Ghostly Grey.

- Will Ghastly Grey do instead?
- lt doesn't matter what I think.

Vlad can always hypnotise me
to like it.

I said I was sorry.
It was an accident.

Yes, well, it's flying lessons next.

Let's see how you like it
when you accidentally fly into a tree.

This is so unfair!
Why can't you teach me flying?

- Oh, Ingrid.
- Yes, Dad?

Get on with it.