03x01 - Pen Pal

[bunniefuu]

- Anything for the post office?
- Here.

Miss Babcock's corporate tax returns

must be postmarked by the th

or she'll face substantial penalties.

Today's the th, Niles.

What's your point?

Would you mail this letter to Lenny?

You know, I can't believe you're still
writing to your first-grade pen pal.

Why? Val wrote to hers for a long time

until eventually he lost his appeal.

She got tired of writing him, huh?

No. He lost his appeal.

They fried him at Leavenworth.

Here you go.

Miss Fine, this is an Easter Seal.

- Oh, they don't look.
- Oh.

(GRUNTING) Something smells rotten in here.

Or dead under the house.

Or... Maggie, I love your new perfume.

She's trying to attract a guy.

Who, the Orkin Man?

Now, Brighton, be nice to your sister.

Thank God my new girlfriend
doesn't smell like that.

Oh, does she fold out and thumbtack
to the wall like the last one?

Well, I think it's just fabulous.

Now even you'll be married before me.

Who is this little tramp that's
after your father's money?

Well, her name's Veronica.

I leave notes for her in third period,

she leaves them for me in fourth.

We've had no physical contact whatsoever.

Well, it's working for
Michael and Lisa Marie.

* She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

(TV PLAYING)

Oh, Autumn, what are you doing?

You're throwing your life away.

And for what? That schmendrick Owen?

Oh, this isn't even my soap.

Oh, Summer, what are you doing?

Throwing your life away.

Oh, Nanny Fine.

How can you watch those soaps?

The plots are so...

What's going on?

Well, she is hopelessly in
love with her business partner,

only he doesn't even know she exists.

What a loser.

Hello, Maxwell.

Maxwell!

Oh, I'm sorry, C.C. I
didn't notice you there.

So what's gonna happen?

Is she going to get this guy or
bash his British head in or what?

Well, he asked her to work late tonight,

and she's going to seduce him.

So we'll find out what happens tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

This is a soap.

We'll be lucky if six months from now

that coffee she's making is ready.

Oh, C.C., what are you
doing Saturday night?

Oh, my cousin Gee Gee needs a transfusion,

and my blood type is the... why?

Never mind. I just thought
we could do some work,

but under the circumstances,
with your cousin...

What's the rush? I mean,
they gave her six months.

You know, if she were Jewish,

her last name would be Iceberg.

Oh, lookee here.

Another letter from that pen pal of yours.

Do I detect a strong, hideous cologne?

Yeah, your daughter just left.

But on the bright side, no more silverfish.

Oh, Lenny.

(EXCLAIMING)

- Oh, stop doing that.
- What?

Whenever you get a letter from Lenny,

you make that ridiculous grin.

No, I don't.

You know, you never did tell me
what this Lenny chap looks like.

Oh, I have no idea.

We vowed never to exchange photographs,

which is probably why he stood by me

through my fatal attraction
with Ben and Jerry.

Yes. I've seen those
pictures at your mother's.

Listen, Mr. Smarty Feldman,

he who wore a plaid skirt
to his high school graduation

should not throw stones.

It was a kilt.

You say potato.

Oh, no, I'm nauseous!

What, Lenny broke the no-photo rule?

No. He's coming to New York,

and he wants to meet me for
dinner at the Russian Tea Room.

The Russian Tea Rooms are bad

because waiters dressed as
Cossacks give you the creeps? What?

No.

I'm afraid to meet Lenny because, well...

over the years, I might have
stretched the truth a little bit.

For instance?

Oh, things.

Oh, cheer up, FloJo.
Silver goes with everything.

Are you out of your mind?

What, no good?

You wouldn't believe I'm
the fastest woman on Earth?

In that outfit I would.

You like?

'Cause I did kind of tell him

that I was also a little
more popular than I am.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Yes, sir!

- You know...
- Oh, what a great audience.

Thank you!

You know, to me...

to me nothing says debutante

like a leopard-skin cocktail dress.

What, no Oprah?

I don't do daytime.

Miss Fine, whatever possessed
you to make up all these things?

What is it you're always
telling the children?

Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day?

All right, what is it I'm
always telling the children?

Miss Fine works too hard. We
should send her to Club Med.

No. To tell the truth.

Oy, I think I told him
I was on that show, too.

Oh, mayday, Fran.

Veronica stayed after
school so she could meet me.

And that's it. It's over.

Oh, what happened?

Well, I wrote to her and told
her I look like Brad Pitt,

and I don't.

B, you made up some cock-and-bull story

just to make yourself seem better?

I'm so surprised at you.

What? I said I was surprised at him.

I had to lie to Lenny.

A guy like that's not
gonna be interested in me

without the Olympics, Letterman, and...

my career.

You told him you were a nanny?

Close.

Houston, we have a problem.

Oh, Niles,

I thought I might as well give Miss
Fine a lift to the Russian Tea Rooms.

I'm going out anyway.
Got to drop by my, uh...

my, um, attorney's.

Your attorney is nowhere
near the Russian Tea Room.

Then I'll get a new one.

Same place I'll get a butler.

Admit it, sir.

You're dying to get a look
at this Leonard fellow.

Oh, Niles, as usual,
you are way off the mark.

Do you think he still has all his hair?

Oh, no, sir.

You're the fairest of them all.

Where is Miss Fine anyway?

Oh, she's upstairs getting all farpitzed.

What does that mean?

You know, dressed.

I thought that was farblondzhet.

No, sir, that means confused.

No, man, that's farkatke.

Well, then, what's farshimmelt?

I think that's her uncle.

Oh, Miss Fine, you look beautiful.

Oh, yeah, but I'm all farshvitzt.

Oh, what am I so afraid of anyway?

So I told Lenny that I'm
a little more sophisticated

than I really am.

Oh, God. Please let that be an eyelash.

Yeah, it was.

Tell me the truth.

If you were expecting Grace Kelly,

and I showed up, you wouldn't
be disappointed, right?

- Literally Grace Kelly?
- Yeah.

Well, yes.

I believe you farkatked up, sir.

Oh, forget it. I'm not going.

Oh, Miss Fine, what, so
for the next years,

I have to hear about this
wonderful man you never met?

You are going.

As a matter of fact...

You're going to take her yourself.

I'm going to take you myself...

Even though it's nowhere
near your attorney.

Even though it's nowhere near my...

Anyway, you're going to meet
this Lenny fellow face to face

so you can see that he
is no better than I am.

You are. Would you please?

You are.

All right, let's go.

Wait, wait.

Oh, I know. I'll tell him I couldn't come

because Miss America could not fulfill
her duties and I had to jump in.

That's good, that's good.

No, you wrote that to
him in your last letter.

A million Rosa Lopezes in the world,

and we got to end up with a
domestic with total recall.

Hello, hello.

Ready to work?

Maxwell?

I'll be back in a while, C.C.

Can you start without me?

She can, and she has.

Come along, Miss Fine.

There's no reason to be so trepidatious.

Well, I can't help it. I'm nervous.

Oh, what if he's not as
accepting of me as you are?

I mean, you've seen me
at my absolute worst.

Yes, I have.

When?

No, I just mean your absolute
worst is absolutely lovely.

You know, there's a
pooper-scooper law in this city.

Come along.

Oh, I'm going. I'm going.

Quit pushing. Quit pushing.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, it's very sweet of you

to sit with me until Lenny
comes, but it isn't necessary.

I'm a grown woman. I can handle myself.

Hello, girl sweet as pudding.

Uh, you know, my wife was pissed,

but I felt trapped in my old body.

Forget it, Miss Fine.
I'm not going anywhere.

Would you care for an aperitif?

No, I'll just do a little
before-dinner drink.

Two champagne cocktails, please.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Buying drinks, how classy.

Boy, me and Val usually just sit at the bar

and wait for the guys next
to us to go to the bathroom,

and then we take theirs.

You'd drink someone else's drink?

No! We just hold it.

Well, you got to have a drink

to get into the free happy-hour buffet.

Don't you ever go out?

Actually, I'll have you know

I was quite the Jack-the-lad in my day.

Oh, well, that's okay.

Everybody goes through a curiosity phase.

Oh, thanks.

Ah, just in time.

Oh, I don't know why I'm so
worried about meeting Lenny anyway.

I mean, at least I'm not
that broad over there.

Would you look at her?

Desperate look in her eyes,

boozing it up.

Oh, my God! It's me!

Maxwell, darling, is that you?

Don't turn around.

I'm yours.

Tell me what you want me to do.

Cluck like a chicken.

What?

It turns me on.

(IMITATING HEN CLUCKING)

(SCREAMING)

Mr. Sheffield's been delayed.

Did you think I was him?

If you tell anyone about this...

Oh, I'd never do that.

We need the eggs.

Oh, I'll tell you, I
feel so out of place here.

I can't remember the last time

I sat on a barstool waiting to meet a guy.

I thought you went out last night with Val.

Oh, yeah. That's when it was.

Oh, would you look at those two
chippies over there checking you out?

You know, Mr. Sheffield,
you're not tied to me.

I mean, if you want to work the room...

No. If I get up, you might take my drink.

(LAUGHING)

Touche.

You are so suave bola.

I bet you got some sure-fire pickup lines.

Well, the first one's simply,

"Maxwell Sheffield, Broadway producer."

What's the second one?

"How do you like your eggs?"

(EXCLAIMING)

Mr. Sheffield.

I wonder what's keeping Lenny.

Lenny who? Oh.

He's half-an-hour late.

The suspense must be k*lling you.

Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just thinking how
nice it is to get out,

you know, without the kids.

Maybe it's time we thought about
hiring someone to take care of... Oh.

Yes, Miss Fine,

I've often thought of
hiring a nanny myself.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, you know, Mr. Sheffield, I
have a little confession to make.

I'm having such a great time
just sitting here with you,

I don't even care if Lenny is a no-show.

There he is,

and he's gorgeous. Go home.

Wait. Miss Fine, how do
you even know that's him?

Well, we both agreed to wear a red rose.

He's turning around.

Boy, coming and going, it's still good.

Well, I suppose he's all right,

if you go for that dark, Mediterranean,

well-muscled-from-the-docks type.

What, are you jealous?

Well, I admit, I wish I could lift a crate

of rear-projection television sets,

but unfortunately, I have
to hire people to do that.

Hi, it's me!

Hi.

Well, don't be shy.

Give me a kiss.

Maxwell Sheffield.

David Stavros.

Who?

You're not Lenny?

Well, what are you wearing a red rose for?

I'm with the band.

You have some hell of a nerve!

Now, kiss me goodnight and get out of here.

Uh, Miss Fine!

Oh, all right.

Here. Jot your number down on this napkin.

Now get lost.

What do you say? You want to give
this Lenny another half-an-hour?

Oh, no way. The guy stood me up.

Boy, you'd think that he would want to meet

the first millionaire woman
astronaut who opened for Streisand.

Perhaps your letters intimidated him.

Yeah, well, if he can't
handle a strong woman...

Excuse me, ma'am. This was left for you.

Oh.

Oh, it's from Lenny.

"Dear Fran, this is my last letter.

When I came in and saw you
with that great-looking guy,

I knew I could never compete with him."

Oh, Miss Fine, I... I feel terrible.

You?

What were the odds of Lenny walking in

just when I was in the arms of David?

Niles, I don't make it a habit
of drinking with the help.

I've never been any help to you.

Exactly.

So, tell me, Rochester,

what did you do to k*ll
a day before I came along?

Well, truth be told, my
life was a little empty.

But now I have a hobby.

I loathe you.

I despise you.

Servant.

Trollop.

Bellboy.

Brunette.

Good night, Maxwell, Fanny Nine.

Swine.

Chicken.

Good night, people.

Miss Fine, how much did I
have to drink this evening?

Not as much as them.

I suppose when two
people spend as much time

around each other as those two,

something like this is bound to happen.

Yeah, I suppose it's inevitable.

Are you...

are you thinking what I'm thinking?

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking about...

taking a shower and going to bed.

What a coincidence.

I'm going to bed thinking
about you taking a shower.