03x03 - Dope Diamond

[bunniefuu]

Concede, Brighton.

I've got you in two moves.

You're done.

Finished. Toast.

(EXCLAIMING)

Sir, when it's time to choose

who pulls the plug on the life support,

go with the girls.

Ma, Jules is gonna be here in two minutes.

Would you stop futzing with my skirt?

Can you believe her?
Stop it!

Oh, Miss Fine, she's a mother.
She's just pulling it down.

She's my mother.
She's hiking it up.

Oh, I get it.

Preparing the virgin
for the big sacrifice, huh?

- Yeah, if it was .
- Ma!

Meanwhile, show some
"de colla tessin".

Stop it, Ma.

I'm not some over-the-hill hussy,

desperate to...

Oh, how's this?

Now, aren't you glad I forced
you to go to the Hadassah hoedown?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

She thought that you could
meet the man of her dreams,

hanging around gay bars.

Ma, I said Zabar's.

I'm getting you a Miracle-Ear.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hurry up, Miss Fine.

You're not getting any younger.

I'm not the one that
looks like Lily Munster.

Meanwhile, I just met the man a week ago.

It takes a while to form a relationship.

I don't even know if we're compatible.

You know, he's a doctor.

Ah, that explains why he's
trying to remove her tonsils.

Oh, can you believe this?

Ever since The Beatles,
I've wanted to meet

a sexy guy with an English accent.

Guess they're all
at the Hadassah hoedown.

Meanwhile, you should've come.

There were a lot of
nice girls there for you.

Big hair, lots of makeup,
tight clothes...

Not my style,
he goes for that type.

Jules, before I forget,
come for dinner Sunday.

I'll take the plastic off the couch.

That sounds delicious.

Laugh at his jokes.

(SHRIEKS)

♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens

♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out

♪ in one of those
crushing scenes

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go?

♪ She was out on her fanny

♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door

♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more

♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!

♪ That's how
she became the nanny!

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling

♪ Watch out, C.C.!

♪ And the kids
are actually smiling

♪ Such joie de vivre!

♪ She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing

♪ The nanny named Fran!

Oh, Maxwell,
I can barely keep my eyes open.

I have got to get out of here.

C.C., do you believe
in love at first sight?

Yes! Why?

Miss Fine.

No! Why?

She met a gentleman.

I--I--I mean, yes. Yes. Yes.

I'll stick with yes.

They spend every waking moment together.

It's just not...

Fair, sir?

What I was going
to say before my--

Back off!-- butler interrupted, was

she's only just met the man.

It's all happening so fast.

That's why the lady is a tramp.

Coffee?

Yes. Please.

(EXCLAIMS)

Knock, knock. Mr. Sheffield,
you wanted to see me?

Ah, yes, Miss Fine,
Grace's school telephoned.

Apparently, she's coming home

with a head full
of chocolate cake.

Oh, don't worry.
That'll come right out.

I'll just take it to my mother's
Weight Watchers' meeting.

Miss Fine, aren't you disturbed

that there's a boy
in Grace's class

who's pummeling her
with food every day?

No. Boys throw food to
relieve sexual tension,

unlike girls,
who just stuff their faces.

Please.
That is such a fallacy.

Well, if you don't
need me anymore,

Jules is taking me to a matinee.

Do you want me to
bring you home some bonbons?

- Thought so.
- Ah, the theater.

Well, that's something you
don't get a lot of around here.

What are you going to see?

Oh, I forget the title.

It's got cleaning fluid
in it, though.

Formula ,

Comet, Lysol?

The Fantasticks?
Yeah. That's it.

You want to meet him, Miss Babcock?

Oh, Nanny Fine,
I'd love to meet the man

who's taking you
away from Max...

A million...

Shell...

Oil.

Oh, nice save.

Well, I'll go get him.
He's right outside.

He's playing chess with Brighton.

It's so cute
the way he lets him win.

He's going to make
a great father someday.

Wait a minute. If Nanny Fine's
boyfriend is here,

who's in the chicken suit
at the Padres game?

(EXCLAIMING)

He's gorgeous.

Oh, cheer up.

Perhaps he brought
a friend for you.

(WHISTLING)

No.

C.C., MD.

M&M?

So, Jules.
Had I known you were
going to the theater,

I would have gotten you house seats.

- I know the star.
- I know the producer.

- I know the director.
- I know the theater owner.

I talk to God.

Jules, put that
back in your pants.

I can't stand
to see two grown men

fight about who's got
the biggest connection.

Please, Sylvia,
why--why don't you join us?

Oh, no. I--I just came over
to see how Fran's date went.

Make like I'm not even here.

Are you sure we can't
offer you something?

Oh, no, thank you.

I had a Yoplait
this morning around : .

Oh.

Such a big potato
for such a little girl.

Look at the time.

They must be having a ball.

I'm going to go in the kitchen.

I need a meat
to wash this down with.

I don't know about you guys,
but I like Jules.

And he has yet
to b*at me in chess.

Oh, God, Brighton.
He throws every game.

Do you see how easy it is to bond?

Well, I wouldn't get too attached
to the bloke if I were you.

We all know Miss Fine's relationships
eventually end in disaster.

He asked me to marry him!

Right on the money
as always, sir.

- That is so cool, Fran.
- Oh, my God!

- Congratulations.
- I know!

I know.
I can't believe it.

I'm so excited!
I couldn't eat a...

Oh, kielbasa.

Sweet and sour cabbage.
Hit me again.

Oh, such a big corn
for such a little girl.

He asked you to marry him?
Uh-huh.

You've barely known
the man for two weeks.

What, you think
it's so hard to believe

a man would fall in love
with me that fast?

Yeah, Todd and I knew
each other three minutes

before I got a pudding pack
right in the eye.

There you go.

Look, you know
nothing about this man.

All right, so he's a doctor.

Is he a specialist?

You ain't just
whistling Dixie, baby.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is so exciting.
So, can I be a bridesmaid?

I know the doctor
asked me to marry him,

but I didn't say, "Yes."

(THUDDING)

This is delicious.

SYLVIA:
Why don't you grab a Kn*fe

and stick it straight
through my heart?

That was great.
She sounded just like...

Ma!

Ma, let go of my ankle!

You'd better run.

Brighton,
is she taking off her shoe?

No, but she's going
to hurl a corn.

Ma,

put down the vegetable

and no one gets hurt.

All right.
Help me to understand.

Which was the biggest turn off?

The fact
that Jules was gorgeous,

rich, or a doctor?

Did I mention he was Jewish?

Darling, I only say this
because I love you.

You're a glorified
cleaning girl.

This could be your last chance.

Oh, Ma, I didn't say, "No."

I just said I'd think about it.

Okay, I did.

You mean, "I do."

Yeah!

Ma, you may kiss the bride.

You know, Miss Fine, I think
you're very wise not to rush into this.

You're far too sensible a woman
to marry a man you've just...

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did this fork accidentally
puncture your tuckhus?

Sweetheart, I want you to have

the most beautiful engagement ring
that money can buy.

Oh, Julesie.

I don't know if I could
go through with this.

Getting married?

No.

Buying retail.

Let's go.

Now, you know, Jules,
I'm a simple girl with simple tastes.

I just want a simple ring.

That's a nice little stone.

Madam,
that's a crystal ashtray.

Well, I was talking
about the shape,

like the shape of that
crystal pineapple over there.

No. That's a ring.

Whip it out, honey.

(EXCLAIMING)

You know, I think
that's a little too small.

We don't want to see anything less than
five carats.

Five carats?
What's up, Doc?

This one is . .

We could take off %.

That would make
the price $ , .

Oh, a haggler.

Now we're talking my language.

Offer her .

I'm not too crazy about it.

It's a little cloudy.

But, sir, the stone is exquisite.

I agree with you, honey.

I think I preferred the one we saw at
Van Cleef and Hormel.

I'm sorry.
This just doesn't sparkle.

It sparkles plenty.

Take it outside in the sun.
It'll blind you, you...

Sir.

I'll be right back.

I shall leave you
my little jewel.

So, when's the big event?

Well...

If he buys this ring,
I'll tell you,

he could get lucky
in just a few...

Oh, you meant the wedding date.

Oh, actually, we haven't talked
about setting a date yet.

Where-- Where's your fiancé?
Oh, I'll get him.

Ma'am, stay where you are,
please!

- Why? He's probably right outside.
- Guard!

Well, what's the matter?

He probably went to put
money in the meter.

(GASPS) Oh, no!
We don't have a car!

He's gone.

I'll call the police.
You hold her.

Oh, Jules, how could you
do this to me?

He's a doctor.
He didn't need the money.

Hillary's health plan
didn't go through.

Oh, I can't believe
this is happening.

He got along so well
with my parents.

He wanted them
to move in with us.

Well, that should've
tipped me off right there.

We've been looking
for Jules Kimble
for over three years.

Dr. Kimble is a fugitive?
What are the odds?

He is not a doctor, Miss Fine.

Really?

So when he lanced my mother's boil,
it was just for fun?

Miss Fine, I don't want to
say I told you so,

but I never trusted the man.

You know, I can spot
a con artist a mile off.

This from a man who paid me
time and a half

to work on Hebrew National Day.

Why me?

He usually preys
on women over .

You know, single, desperate,

lonely.

Like I said, why me?

Oh, Miss Fine, cheer up.

This isn't the stupidest thing
you've ever done.

Well, that's true.

The stupidest thing I ever did

was Windexing your Monet.

Or should I say, your "Mon"?

Miss Fine, this came for you.

Oh, an engagement present.

How humiliating.

Just put it upstairs with the rest of them.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Where is she? Where's my baby?

I rushed over as soon as
they finished my hair.

Mommy!

I just hope the police
find that creep before I do.

My Francine is not desperate.

She can have any man she wants.

(EXCLAIMING)

But not forever, so don't let yourself go.

Ma! This is all her fault.

Ever since I was a little girl,

she's always pushing me to get married.

I never pushed.

When I was a little girl,
every affair we'd go to,

she would throw the centerpiece at me
and say,

"Here! Think fast!"

Miss Fine, I'm sure your
mother only meant well.

Yeah, they always do.

Like when they stop you
from pursuing a singing career

to follow in your father's
footsteps as a subservient sl*ve.

And loving every minute of it, sir.

Now, Sylvia, if truth be told,

I think you were
a little more gung-ho

about this marriage
than Miss...

(EXCLAIMS)

Damn. I broke my nail.

I'll leave you two alone.

I can't believe I lost my
figure for the likes of you.

You lost your figure for the
likes of Winchell's, Ma.

I have low blood sugar.

The doctor prescribed donuts.

And who prescribed
the ice cream floats?

Dr. Pepper?

Fran, I can hear you
all the way upstairs.

Oh, her voice travels.

Honey, I'm sorry.
Go up to your room.

Okay, but you have some major
issues with your mother

stemming from your failure

to live up to her expectations.

Uh, come back here.
Come back here.

Can you believe
how advanced she is?

Boy, when I was her age,

I was hanging bagels from my
ears playing Princess Leia.

I think you need some therapy.

No. She'll never change.
No. She'll never change.

I meant together.

Now, let's see.

Who would be good for you?

My doctor's too cerebral.

Dr. Lehrman?

Nah, his couch is too itchy.

Oh, forget it, sweetheart.

I'm not the type of person

that can lie on a couch

and cry and scream
about how miserable I am.

Please! Put a Lean Cuisine
on your lap

and Almond Joy wrappers
under the cushions

and you'd be home.

So, ladies,
what brings you to therapy?

Well, I came because
my mother has an obsession

with me getting married.

I came because my daughter

has a delusion
that I have an obsession.

I came because they brought me,

and I don't know
how to get home from here.

Meanwhile,
for bucks a session,

she could've put out some
coffee and some Nilla wafers.

Ma, brush yourself off.

You look like a veal cutlet.

Look, at a certain point,

I believe a daughter has to stop

blaming her mother for everything.

This is your fault.

Me?
Yeah.

You're the one who kept
pushing me to have children.

They're nothing but heartache.

That's right, cookie.
It's payback time.

So, you seem to be harboring
a lot of hostility.

- Who? - Who?
- Who?

Don't nag the kid all the time.

She should get married when she wants to.

Not just 'cause
she got knocked up

by the seltzer man like I...

Like I heard people do.

Ma!

Is that why I love egg cream?

Oh, Ma. Buy your own hour.

This one is for me, right?

Huh?

Sorry. I drifted off.

Oh, that's not your fault.

Most people say our
voices are very soothing.

- Yeah, I get that a lot.
- That's true.

All the time.

Franny, all I ever wanted
was for you to be happy. (SOBS)

I just want you
to have a full life.

You don't have to be married
to have a full life, Ma.

Sure, I'd like to someday,
but if I don't,

it doesn't mean
my life was worthless,

right?

Right?

Right?

Right.

I know you think I'm not all there,

but in my day

we didn't air our dirty laundry in public.

Welcome to the ' s!

Hi, kids.

Fran, whatever you do, do not
let Gracie touch this board.

It's your move, Dad!

Oh, you b*at your father.
All right, B.

Look what you did, Gracie!

Oh, Fran,
I have to break up with Todd.

I'm afraid of getting hurt.

Oh, sweetie.
It's your first crush.

Why don't you just enjoy it?

No, Fran. I'm really
afraid of getting hurt.

Those juice boxes are hard.

All right.
So you picked the wrong guy.

No biggie.

Just move on
with your life, okay?

Hope he ends up in Attica

with a cellmate that
finds him attractive.

Ah, you're back, Miss Fine.
Good.

How did it go?

Well, my mother's thrilled.

She finally figured out

why she has an unnatural
attachment to egg creams.

The Chinese food
we're blaming on the man

that used to press
Grandma Yetta's blouses.

Concede, Dad.

I've got you in two moves.

You're done.

Finished. Toast.

(EXCLAIMING)

Checkmate.

What?

What happened to this board?

Oh, never leave
two queens alone together.

They'll redecorate.

I should've never
blamed my mother, anyway.

I should've known that guy
was out of my league.

Oh, no, Miss Fine.
He wasn't.

He duped you.

Yeah, but I was ripe
for the duping.

Once a girl's exposed
to a guy like you,

so debonair and classy,

there's just no going back.

Well, I have been known
to turn a few heads.

Oh, please.

Miss Babcock needs an exorcist.

- You want to hear something funny?
- Mm-hmm.

The therapist said that I was
subconsciously avoiding a relationship.

Oh, please. With whom?

I know. I know.

I mean, believe me,
if there was a guy out there,

single, successful, attractive,

I'd smell him a mile away.

- What's that? Aramis?
- Yes.

You know, Grace's therapist said
exactly the same thing to me.

Well, yeah. You.

No, no.
Trust me, Miss Fine.

If I found a woman
who loved my children,

could make me laugh
and I found attractive,

- ...I'd never let her get away.
- Hear. Hear.

(EXCLAIMING) Hang on a second.

We're stuck on each other.