03x07 - Oy Vey, You're Gay

[bunniefuu]

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, would you relax?

I'm sure Hillary's caught
Al Gore doing the same thing.

- Just let me finish the fantasy.
- Go ahead.

Miss Babcock, you're fired.

Because?

I'm in love with Miss Fine.

I just love playing this game.

Where is he, anyway?

At some boring business dinner?

Well, if you must know, and I know
you must, he's gone to a party.

- Get out of here.
- That's what I told him.

Well, you know what this means, don't you?

Yes. That he's finally
letting go of the past

and rejoining the world of the living.

No. That his Jacuzzi tub is free.

No, no, no. Forget it, Miss Fine.

There's a problem with that tub.

- Oh?
- What? It's taken.

Oh. No, you don't.

Oops. I locked the door.

And would you look how filthy this key is.

I better go wash it in the Jacuzzi.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Na-na-na-na-na.

Hey, hey, hey.

Too many doors in this
house. It's like Laugh-In.

(RINGING)

Aren't you gonna get it?

I can let a phone ring. Can you?

It might be that fabulous man

you were telling your mother about.

No. He wouldn't call.

- Why not?
- I made him up.

It could be Visa increasing your limit.

(SIGHING)

- Hello.
- Sucker.

Oh, it's you, Mr. Sheffield.

Well, where are you?

Oh, he sounds like he's
had too much to drink.

All right. Stay where you are.
I'm gonna come and get you.

- I'll get my coat.
- Don't bother.

Goodbye, Miss Fine.

Well, hello, Miss Fine.

Someone's proof. Don't light a match.

Why so shocked?

Your father never came home inebriated?

No. We're Jewish.

He came home gaseous.

Never lit a match then, either.

♪ If you want my body

♪ And you think I'm sexy

♪ Come on sugar tell me so

Okay, Mr. Sheffield, calm down.

That's not even attractive
from Rod Stewart any more.

* She was working in a
bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to
do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

(LOUD CRACKLING)

(LOUD SCRAPING)

(LOUD CLANKING)

No!

Good morning, everyone!

(GROANING)

Dad, are you sick?

No, no, no. I'm feeling fine, Margaret.

That's Gracie.

Oh, when did we have her?

Never mind when we had her.

When can we start making another one?

Miss Fine, leave Mr. Sheffield alone.

He's in a very vulnerable state.

Niles, isn't that my watch?

Oh, yes, sir, and thank you. I love it.

Well, I hope last night
was worth this morning.

You know, you really
shouldn't drink like that.

Miss Fine, you're a beautiful woman.

Do you find me attractive?

On the other hand, a little
booze is good for the heart.

Not one woman spoke to me at that
party last night the whole evening.

As a matter of fact, they all
avoided me like the plague.

Well, maybe it's because of that.

I beg your pardon?

Your wedding ring.

You know, believe it or not,

some women find it a turnoff.

Conjures up images of a beautiful house,

three children, a nanny
with a -inch waist.

You know, Miss Fine, you
might think this foolish,

but wearing this ring helps
me to remember my wife.

Oh, you're never gonna forget her.

Just look at Maggie's smile

or Gracie's eyes or Brighton's...

Did your wife take any trips?

Let me ask you something.

When you fill out your taxes,

what do you put in marital status?

- "S" or "M?"
- "S."

All right. So you told
Uncle Sam you're single.

Maybe it's time you told yourself.

But I want to be an "M" again.

Yeah, well, I want to be an "M," too.

But first you gotta get out there

and make an "S" out of yourself.

Try this, sir. It's my
father's hangover remedy.

Oh, thank you, Niles.

Oh, Niles,

it's far too early in the morning
for anything this repulsive.

Hello, hello.

Mr. Sheffield wants you to go
home and come back in an hour.

- It isn't working.
- So sorry.

Forgot the hair of the dog.

(YELLING)

Maxwell, look at this.

Andrew Lloyd Webber's made the
New York Times crossword puzzle.

What? Why can't I be in
the bloody crossword puzzle?

I've produced more plays than he has.

Yeah, and your plays are better than his

'cause you can always get tickets for yours

and his are sold out for months.

What?

Maxwell, what have I been
telling you for the past years?

"Send that chorus boy to my room"?

No. Get yourself...

No!

Get yourself a publicist.

I know just the person. Sydney Mercer.

He's an old coot, but he is
the best PR man in the business.

No, C.C. Forget it.

Self-promotion is so tacky.

No. Not if you do it right.

Get the guy that's handling
Hugh Grant's hooker.

She's coming across very classy.

Fran, what you doing?

Oh, Weight Watchers is very strict.

They only allow you one cookie.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi. I'm Sydney Mercer.

Miss Babcock is expecting me.

Oh, no, she's not.

I'm gonna go tell Miss Babcock.

Oh, no, no, no. Butler's job. Butler's job.

Come on in.

Are you Mrs. Sheffield?

Oh, no, I'm not his wife.

I just live with him, run
his life, and raise his kids.

I'm Fran, the nanny. Come on in.

Niles... Niles, what is so damn important?

And may I present Sydney Mercer.

(LAUGHING)

I know Sydney Mercer.

He's a fat, old, womanizing geezer.

He's my father.

And funny.

Oh, love that guy.

Miss Mercer, right this way.

Mr. Sheffield's sorry he's kept you.

We're all sorry he's kept you.

Max, you are a publicist's dream.

You are devastatingly handsome, sexy,

and incredibly debonair.

Wait. She hasn't even seen
him do his Rod Stewart yet.

Your only problem is that you
have kept yourself a secret.

Yes, yes, I'm a secret.

I was just telling everyone
what a secret I was, right?

He's such a secret.

(SHUSHING) Oh, yeah,
he's a secret, all right.

Oh, Max, we are gonna
have so much fun together.

Just put yourself in my hands.

Whoa. Whoa.

Before Maxwell puts anything in your hands,

he must discuss this with his partner.

We make all our important
decisions together.

You're hired.

Maxwell, I want a man.

The last one deflated
when she nibbled his ear.

And to think this morning
I was so recalcitrant.

Eggs always do that to him.

Miss Fine, why are you here?

I don't know. Everyone
was walking this way.

Oh, look, Sydney got Mr. Sheffield

on the cover of People magazine.

Yeah. The worst dressed list.

Meanwhile, only the hippest and
trendiest people end up on that list.

They got Marsha Clark on the
best dressed. Case closed.

Oh. Meanwhile, I think he looks gorgeous.

But who's that cheap floozy
squeezing into the picture behind him?

Oh! I'm in People magazine.

Listen to this. Liz Smith.

"Broadway producer, Maxwell Sheffield

has hired the young, vivacious
Sydney Mercer to promote him."

Promote, my ass.

All right. But we'll
need a two-page spread.

Hello, people.

Anyone catch me on Ricki Lake?

Yes. And you looked gorgeous.

Oh, that Bea Arthur was
making such eyes for you.

Whoa. If it isn't the lost
Baldwin brother, Pappy.

You know, darling, I think we
should celebrate our success.

How's this sound to you?

The Rainbow Room.

Dinner, dancing.

Free tonight?

As a bird.

Oh, so I can take care of the kids.

Darling, there is no one I
would rather have dinner with.

See you at : ?

Oh, did you see how many
holes he has in his jeans?

. .

Well, I talked him out
of the leather pants.

Then I spent the next hour getting
him out of the leather pants.

Took you an hour to get a
pair of pants off of a man?

Next time, try wearing a little
Chanel No. and a tube top.

Miss Fine, this is serious.

Our little boy is noticing girls.

Oh, please, he's not ready to
take the plunge with Sydney.

The man is a scared, timid little puppy.

(IMITATING DOG BARKING)

Well, night all. And don't wait up.

Well, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's something different about you.

(GASPS)

You took off your wedding ring.

My bloody hand's in my pocket.

How could you possibly know that?

Oh, I could spot a man without
a wedding ring a mile away.

Oh, there's one. There's one.

There's another one.

What the hell am I doing in here?

Well, Niles, what do you
think of the new look, huh?

Oh, it's fantastic, sir.

Yes. I'd take all those
Brooks Brothers suits

and just give them away.

Good idea. Get rid of
them for me, would you?

Yes. I'll make all the
alterations... arrangements.

Well, Miss Fine, you were right.

I think I really was hiding behind my ring.

Truth is, I was terrified of getting hurt.

But now, thanks to you, I
think I've really met the one.

(EXCLAIMING)

Well, the guy's in love.

I couldn't be happier for him.

Think it'll last?

Miss Fine, you're not
concerned about your position?

Niles, you dog.

No. In the household, Miss Fine.

Oh, what have I got to be worried about?

That he'll bring home a wife
who'll take care of the kids,

feed them lunch, send them off to school?

I don't do that.

Well, I better go upstairs and
clean out a few of his drawers.

Niles, she's not moving in yet.

I know. I need some shirts
to go with my new suits.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh.

Hello, Fran. Is Maxwell ready?

Well, what are you doing here?

He just left to go to the Rainbow Room.

Oh, no. I thought I was
supposed to meet him here.

Oh, you better hurry up,
because if he eats too late,

he gets terrible indigestion.

But if that happens,

don't let him take anything
but two Mylanta gelcaps.

Oh, wait. I'll give you some.

And I just want to wish you

all the happiness in the world.

You will be needing a nanny, won't you?

What are we talking about?

Well, $ a week plus dental.

Fran, you are way off.

Okay. $ and a Waterpik.

No. I mean Maxwell.

I'm not interested in him that way.

Well, what's the matter?
He's not good enough for you?

It's his gender.

Oh, believe me, I accidentally
saw him in the shower,

and there's nothing wrong with his gender.

Fran, I'm gay.

(GASPING)

You're gay?

Oh, thank God.

Uh.

Uh, I'm letting go and you're not. Why?

Aren't you gay, too?

Me? No.

I just assumed. You're over .

You've never been married.

There's no man in your life.

Oh, honey, I'm not gay. I'm just pathetic.

Too bad. I would have asked you out.

Oh, great. A gorgeous professional

finally asks me out and it's a woman.

You're not Jewish, are you?

Sorry.

Oh, too bad. We were this
close to making my mother happy.

I feel like this whole thing is my fault.

Oh, don't blame yourself.

But how could you do this to him?

Couldn't you see he was falling for you?

You're not enjoying this, are you?

Fran, how was I to know?

We just had business lunches.

I talked, he listened.

Does that mean he wants
to have sex with me?

Yes.

That's why they listen.

That's why they buy you dinner.

That's why they tell you they like
your voice, it's not too nasal.

Oh.

Fran, I really want to
keep Max as a client.

How can I make this up to him?

Oh, I don't know.

The poor man's sitting alone in a
restaurant, his heart on his sleeve,

vulnerable, ready to make
a commitment to a woman...

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Wait. Hold the elevator. Hold the elevator.

Miss Fine, what on
Earth are you doing here?

Um, my eye doctor's in this building.

And you're dressed like that?

Oh, would you look at what I put on!

Well, thank God he could
take me on Saturday night.

Mr. Sheffield, what do you think of

when a woman is in her s,
gorgeous, and never been married?

Oh, don't worry, Miss
Fine. You'll meet someone.

Not me. I was talking about...

Oh, you think I'm gorgeous?

What's your point?

Never mind. How long have
you thought I was gorgeous?

Miss Fine, I have a date with Sydney.

Oh, no, you don't. She's
gay. Let's focus on me.

What?

What did you say?

I said let's focus on me.

Miss Fine!

FRAN: Oh, no. The elevator's stuck!

MAXWELL: Just keep calm. Keep calm.

- I think we're stuck!
- It's gonna be okay, Miss Fine.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the emergency phone.

That's not it.

Oh, well, then I'd better
stop talking into it.

Oh, well, at least the lights came back on.

I can't believe Sydney's gay.

Oh, God, what an idiot I've made of myself.

Oh, wait a minute.

What am I saying? She doesn't
know how I feel about her.

Oh, well, don't be so sure.

You know, women have a sixth sense...

You told her?

Oh, yeah.

You know, Miss Fine, my one regret

is that the cable on
this elevator might snap

before I can get my
hands around your throat.

That's your one regret?

Not the revival of Fiddler
starring Lyle Waggoner?

Miss Fine!

Would you just calm down? Relax.

Let's just sit down and take it easy.

Eventually, someone will
come and get us out of here.

(SIGHING)

Oh, what a waste.

You know, upstairs I have an
intimate table for two waiting,

a violinist, champagne
chilling on ice, cracked crab.

All right, give me a
boost. We're making a break.

- Let me take this off.
- Jacket.

(GRUNTING)

It's only one floor away.

Oh, it's right over there
where that rat just went.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

There's a rat. There's a rat.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Miss... Miss... Miss Fine, it's all right.

Just calm down, Miss Fine.

Just remember he's more afraid
of you than you are of him.

Oh, I don't think so.

Right now he's looking at my hair thinking,

"Is that a one-bedroom or a two?"

Pull me down. Pull me down. Pull me down.

Oh, good news and bad news, Miss Fine.

The bad news is you're stuck.

Oh, well, what's the good news?

You've got your money's
worth on that Thigh Master.

Help!

Oh, my God.

What? Another rat?

Worse. There's a echo in here.

I just heard my own voice.

(BAND PLAYING)

Oh, the band's beginning to play.

Oh. How I love this song.

Want to dance?

No, Miss Fine.

If you, if you don't mind,
I'd rather sit this one out.

Maybe I should sit out the next five years,

then I wouldn't have
to feel this way again.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, don't
be so hard on yourself.

Take it from me, you're a real catch.

When the right woman comes along,

believe me, you'll know it.

Thank you, Miss Fine.

But I'm afraid I wouldn't
know the right woman for me

if she fell out of the sky.

(EXCLAIMING)