03x09 - The Two Mrs. Sheffields

[bunniefuu]

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

- Hi.
- Hi.

Say, are those flowers for your girlfriend?

Actually, they're for my fiancée.

She is so wonderful. We're getting
married in a couple of weeks,

over at the...

Is there something I can do for you?

Yes. But we hardly know each other.

Actually, I wanted to
order two-dozen white tulips

to be delivered to my
son, Maxwell Sheffield.

Sorry. That woman has
the last of the tulips.

Who?

That girl.

I had my eye on those.

Well, I had my eye on Antonio Banderas,

but I ain't taking him home neither.

Darling, what if I bought
you some plastic flowers

to go with that petroleum
product you're wearing?

Well, as if the Brits are so stylish?

News flash, the royal wedding
pictures looked like Mama's Family.

These New Yorkers are so pushy.

Give me the damn tulips.

Hey, my boss sent me out to
buy tulips for his mother,

and I want the old bat to like me.

Give me that. Give me...

Oh, what are we fighting
about? You keep it.

There's a whole fresh batch

right there in the refrigerator.

In that case, you keep the wilted ones.

Fine.

* She was working in a
bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to
do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

Niles, when I meet Mr. Sheffield's
mother, do I gotta curtsy?

Because if I do, this
skirt turns into a tube top.

Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating,

but go ahead, try.

Bad butler.

Anyway, I think it's gorgeous.

If she doesn't like it,
tough. I'm not changing again.

Oh, Miss Fine, is that what you're wearing?

Hell, no.

Thank you.

My mother derives sustenance

from criticizing everything in my life.

Yeah? So? Oh, I keep forgetting.

You're not Jewish.

Maxwell, your adversarial relationship

with your mother is your own fault.

I find I catch more flies with honey.

I always thought your tongue darted out.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello, Mother.

Hello, darling.

Oh, look at you.

The spitting image of your father.

Same eyes, same smile.

All that's missing is the
naked secretary in your bed,

wearing my pearls.

It's so wonderful to see you again, madam.

Liar.

Niles, where are your tails?

He had them cropped when they did his ears.

Oh, C.C., you're a stitch. I missed you.

Maxwell, you should have
her write a comedy for you.

God knows you need a hit.

Shall I poison them at supper, sir?

Niles!

It's two hours away.

Oh, Elizabeth, I can't wait to tell you

all the exciting things
that are going on in my life.

Right after I visit the powder room, dear.

Oh, please, she'll be
done before you get there.

Is this any better?

This skirt's a designer label.

The label's lovely. Where's the rest of it?

Oh, I got your mother a little present.

And lucky for you, I
think I left it upstairs.

Oh, I forgot my handbag.

Oh, you know, on second thought,
I think it's in the kitchen.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Oh, I brought my chauffeur over with me.

I'll just tell him to go.

When did you hire a new driver?

When your father hired a new secretary.

Jean Luc.

I had Grandma Yetta make your
mother her famous prune Danish.

I figured, you know, with all the flying,

the change in water, she could use it.

That's a lovely thought, Miss Fine.

But my mother's not really
the prune Danish type.

Oh, well, she will be after
she eats Ma's stuffed derma.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, I'll get it.

You? You?

What are you, nuts?

You followed me home?

What kind of a psycho case are you?

Would you get a life, you fruit cake?

Do you know who that weirdo was?

That's my mother.

Do you think she liked me?

Turn around. Let's see how you look.

Isn't it wonderful? We could be twins.

Margaret, do take that off. You look .

Grandma, Fran and I sort
of have a shopping routine.

You see, I buy outfits I actually like,

and she looks for a husband
in the men's department.

Darling, I know you prefer
a more plunging neckline,

but don't you think we should wait

until you have something
more to plunge into?

Oh, God!

You're so good with her.

C.C., I'm really worried

about this... this nanny
that Maxwell's hired.

So am I, but I don't want to say anything,

except she's a low-life gold digger

who's trying to move in on the family.

Did I tell you she has designs on Maxwell?

Oh, please, C.C.

Maxwell would never fall
for a trollop like that.

If he's anything like his father...

Oh, God.

Well, let's just pray that she'll
take good care of the children.

All right, honey. Just
ho... hold up your nose.

You're leaving a trail of blood

even the O.J. jury couldn't ignore.

Lord, what happened?

We won.

C.C., call the doctor.

Oh, no. It's okay. The
coach said he's fine.

Just to watch out if he vomits

or falls for no reason.

Okay, sweetie, go upstairs
and get cleaned up.

But scream if your shoulder
blade pops out again.

You know, just forget what I said.

If you had Maxwell fire
her, I'd just hate myself.

(POPPING)

Miss Fine.

Yes?

Where were you when the boy was brutalized?

I was schmearing eggs
on the other team's bus.

Oh, look, when did you two get so thick?

Oh, well, for me, it
happened around the th,

but she must have had
salty nuts on the plane.

Maxwell, do do up your... your shirt.

I can't distinguish you from the servants.

Oh, that's easy. I'm the
one who's actually working.

Oh, that's a good one.

I can't wait to tell Niles

when he comes back from the track.

Mother, do you mind? It's hot in my office.

Oh, I don't remember coming in there.

You know, sometimes Miss Fine

sits on the edge of my
desk in one of her outfits.

Yes, well, carry on.

Oh, is he adorable or what?

Boy, when he was a little baby,

how did you keep from biting his tushy?

I guess that prune
Danish didn't kick in yet.

Bad news, sir.

I'm afraid there's been an emergency.

Your mother's been called back to
London and is packing as we speak.

Really?

Early April Fool's, sir.

Not funny, Niles.

This is not a good day to tease me.

Miss Babcock never made it to the theater.

- I'm afraid she's missing.
- Really?

April Fool's to the second power.

Mine was funny, sir.
That's just plain cruel.

Maxwell, I have something
to discuss with you.

Oh, Mother, much as I'd
love to stay and chat,

I'm afraid I have a meeting with...

Ethel Merman.

Yes.

And I may be a while because she's dead.

Then I'd better go cancel, sir.

Maxwell, I'd like to dismiss your nanny.

Don't you mean discuss, mother?

No.

Mother, why this sudden
interest in my life, hmm?

Did your poodle die?

Well, about this nanny,

I think she has far too much
influence over the children.

I can assure you, Mother,
I don't know what you mean.

Daddy, look at me. Who am I?

(IMITATING FRAN LAUGHING)

That's very nice,
sweetheart. Now go change.

I can't. I'm playing doctor.

(EXCLAIMING)

Are you married?

Maxwell, let me make myself quite clear.

I know that there's something going on

between you and this nanny person,

and I will not allow it.

Mother, there is nothing
going on between...

Wait a minute.

What do you mean you won't allow it?

You are a Sheffield, dear.

This woman's not of our class.

Oh, that is preposterous.

Knock, knock. Oh, you've gotta see this.

Hello, Dolly! spelled out in Spaghettios.

I swear, it poured right out of the can.

I mean, is that freaky or what?

Maxwell, if you pursue this...

that... that,

I will have no choice
but to disinherit you.

Well, I don't need your money,
Mother, or your approval.

And I'll do whatever
the bloody hell I like.

Oh, don't talk to your mother like that.

Miss Fine, will you marry me?

What?

Are you out of your...

Oh, let him get a word in edgewise, lady.

Maxwell, stop making a
spectacle of yourself.

Oh... oh, did you think
that was a spectacle?

Oh, no, Mother.

This is.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, marry you?

Oh, this is all so sudden.

I mean, I'm really gonna
have to think about... okay.

Oh, God, Niles,

I've really done it this time.

You're not gonna believe what I just did.

You mean your attempt to get back at
your mother for missing you in Hamlet

by asking Miss Fine to
marry you in front of her,

resulting in Miss Fine
skipping from the room

singing, "Sadie, Sadie, married lady"?

Cleaning the intercom with that big,
fat nosey ear of yours again, Niles?

No, sir. I just guessed.

You mean I'm right?

I don't know what came over
me. I mean, what am I gonna do?

Well, I'm afraid you've got no choice,
sir. You have to marry Miss Fine.

You'll honeymoon in Provence.

I'll make the reservation.

Whatever my mother says,
I have to do the opposite.

You see, I'm not happy unless I defy her.

Well, she deserves it, sir. Punish her.

Rub her nose in it.

Oh, bonjour.

Hang up, man. I'm not
going through with it.

Oh, you stupid fool.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

The French, sir.

What a rotten thing to do,

dragging Miss Fine into
the middle of all this.

Poor thing has a crush on me as it is.

Oh, she does, does she?

Oh, come on, man, wouldn't you?

Yes, well, you've always been
the sunshine of my life, sir.

Oh, I don't know, Niles.

Maybe I'm making too much of all this.

I mean, surely she must realize

I just blurted it out in
the heat of the moment.

Yes, she couldn't possibly
have taken me seriously.

Now, Ma, I want the
wedding to be really classy.

So don't invite anyone from our side.

Oh, Fran, these invitations are gorgeous.

Invitations?

Ma, I called you two hours ago

and said I was getting married.

Sweetheart, I have been
preparing for this moment

since before your embryo had a yolk sac.

Let's go over the wedding
list that we made out together.

Okay.

(ALL COUGHING)

Dead. Dead.

Dead. Any minute now.

Oh, Ma, gee, this affair might end up

being cheaper than we thought.

Maybe you could spring for
the double-stuffed potato.

Do you still want to dance

your first dance to Sexual Healing?

Oh, no, no.

I filled that out, like, years ago.

Let's go with Play That
Funky Music White Boy.

Meanwhile, my gown looks gorgeous on you.

Can you believe that I was
that size when I was your age?

Yeah, well, let's not tell Mr. Sheffield.

No reason to give him a crystal ball.

Oh, by the way, Ma, you know,

Daddy's gotta give me away.

So you better get his good
hair out of the fur vault.

All right.

Oh, Morty,

could you stop sucking the
chocolate off the Raisinets?

Remember?

Oh, Fran, you and Mr. Sheffield.

This is like a fairy tale.

I know. Isn't it great?

And it's so sudden.

You don't even call each
other by your first names.

And boom! He pops the question.

I know. Isn't it great?

And what's amazing is that he
asked you in front of his mother.

You said they didn't get along

and that he would do anything to spite her.

My God, Val, Mr. Sheffield proposed to me

just to get even with his mother.

Oh, wow!

Good thing she showed up, huh?

Val, I can't marry someone
under false pretenses.

You can't?

Gee, you think you know a person.

So what are you gonna do?

What any woman in my position would do.

I'm gonna screw with his head so bad

he's gonna look like Mister Softee.

- Hello, darling.
- I just...

Miss Fine, I mean, Fran. I mean...

Oh, what difference does
it make what you call me?

After the honeymoon night,
it's just gonna be...

(GROWLING)

Oh, I'm so glad you got my message.

I really wanted to see you.

Uh, Miss Fine...

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

you want to play that game. Okay.

You're the boss, and I'm the nanny.

You give me a raise, and I'll give you one.

Stop it!

Stop it, Miss Fine. We're
in your mother's house.

So? The couch has protection.

Miss Fine, there's
something I have to tell you.

Oh, I knew it. I knew it.

Are you very upset with me?

No. I want my parents
to move in with us, too.

Oh, Morty. Did you hear that?

We're moving on up to the east side.

No, no, no, Sylvia.

Uh, I... I was just trying
to explain to Miss Fine...

Sylvia? Why so formal? Call me Ma.

We're family.

(SPEAKING YIDDISH)

Oh, sweetheart, I'm
gonna make you so happy.

The first thing you hear in the morning

and the last thing you hear
at night is gonna be my voice.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Oh, look who's here.

Wait, I schmeared you.

Mother, what are you doing here?

Well, I invited her, honey.

Come on in. We gotta get
to know each other better.

Sit down, Ma.

And if you stick to the plastic,

don't get up quick
unless you need a waxing.

Would you like to take
off your shoes, honey?

I got a bunch of slippers from TWA.

No, no, no. Thank you so much.

I've got something far more
comforting from the Concorde.

Maxwell,

I only came here because
I know what you're up to.

A mother doesn't raise
a son for the four years

before boarding school
and come away with nothing.

Oh, that was you for those four years?

I thought it was Niles
disguised as Kim Novak.

Maxwell, just admit that you're
marrying this girl to spite me.

Oh, hey, now, wait a minute there, Ma.

I've lived with this man for three years,

and there's no way that he
would ever use me like that

or play with my feelings
or hurt me so deeply

that only a Caribbean
cruise could make up for it.

Well, you obviously don't know
how much my son detests me.

Go on, Maxwell, tell her.

Oh, I don't detest you, Mother.

I don't know you well enough.

All I do know is you made me angry enough

to hurt someone I care very deeply about.

Oh, you're so right, Maxwell.

We've never been close. We don't talk.

Perhaps we could work on that.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

But not now, darling.

Jean Luc is waiting for me.

So all this was just to t*rture me?

Yeah.

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Miss Fine, I'm... I'm sorry
to have done this to you.

But believe me, if I was going
to marry anyone in the world

to make my mother
miserable, it would be you.

Oh, how sweet.

There must be something I
can do to make it up to you.

- No, there's really not.
- No, please, I insist. Anything.

- Come on, you're insulting me.
- Are you sure?

Well, maybe three things.

Don't tell Miss Babcock for hours.

I promised Niles.

Oh, and someone's gonna have to tell Ma.

I figured you'd wanna do that personally.

And then the third thing is,
well, you can return this.

It's what I was gonna wear
on our honeymoon night.

There's nothing in here but lip gloss.

Suffer.