03x13 - An Offer She Can't Refuse

[bunniefuu]

Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Miss Fine, you can't possibly

hear the person you're talking
to with all this racket.

Why do you think I called Ma?

Frankie, Frankie,

when are you coming back to practice?

- Thursday.
- Call you Thursday, Ma.

Frankie, go get your stuff.

Your dad's gonna pick you up any minute.

You know, Gracie, if you switch to piano,

you'd have so much more in
common with Billy Joel's kid.

Why would I wanna meet Billy Joel's kid?

Well, because her father
is recently divorced,

sensitive and Jewish.

Stop always thinking about yourself, miss.

I'll put away your violin
so it doesn't get broken.

You know, Frankie, you
really should practice more.

Hey, don't tell me what to do,

or my father will put you in
a pair of cement Mary Janes.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, I'll get it!

Oh, hi. You must be Mr. Tattori.

Please, my friends call me Tony.

What does your wife call you?

I'm divorced.

I'm Fran.

You seem very familiar
to me. Where you from?

Flushing.

No kidding. Me, too. I can't believe it.

You hardly have an accent.

Well, you know, I've
been living in Manhattan

for two whole years, so I kind of lost it.

Meanwhile, they said you can
never get out of the neighborhood,

and look at us.

You in your cashmere overcoat,
me in my boss's mansion.

Hey, Cheech, give me a hug.

It'll cost you $ .

That's my boy.

What do you say we
arrange another play date?

Oh, well, what do you say, Gracie?

Do you want Frankie and
his dad to come over again?

Fran, Frankie broke my Barbie's legs

and stuffed her in the
trunk of the Dream Car.

She'd love to.

I was talking about you and me.

I will pick you up on Friday.

Friday? Wait a minute.

We hardly know each other.

Better start on Thursday,
take care of that.

You're a funny girl. I'm
gonna send you some steaks.

Cheech, the door.

He's sending me beef?

Is that guy classy or what?

* She was working in a
bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to
do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

(WHISTLING)

Looking for your diary?

Give that back to me, you creep.

All right.

No, wait. That was too easy.

You see, while you were
sticking your tongue

in Peter Bidwell's mouth, page ,

I was sticking quarters
in the copier at Kinko's.

Okay. How much do you want?

Look around. Money I got.

What I need is a personal sl*ve.

I am nobody's sl*ve.

Ah, not according to page entitled,

"Things I can't let Peter
know I did with Jeff Connelly."

I'll k*ll you!

C.C., are you insane?

How could you tell our
star she could be replaced?

Maxwell, anyone can be replaced.

Not Whoopie Goldberg in A
Night with Whoopie Goldberg!

Well, actually, Sandy Duncan
played Valerie Harper for years.

Maxwell, her demands were outrageous.

She wanted her own makeup
artist and hair designer.

I said, "You can just damn well use

"who the rest of the cast is using."

C.C., she is the rest of the cast.

God, how can you cause
me such consternation?

Well, I think it's the
banana bran muffins myself.

I mean, banana, bran...

your colon's confused.

- Don't you have something to do?
- Absolutely.

I need to ask you for some time off.

I gotta get off early on Thursday.

I've got a date, which means I've
gotta gel, mousse, pluck, blend.

Oh, I'll tell you,

I'll be glad when this natural look is out.

So, now, this is how to negotiate

with someone that works for
you that wants something.

Watch and learn.

All right, Miss Fine, I'll
let you off early on Thursday

if you stay late on Sunday.

Well, I can't stay late on Sunday

but I can start late on Sunday

and work my regular hours
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday

since you gave me Thursday off.

No. I didn't give you Thursday off.

I just said that you could leave early.

Oh, all right.

I'll leave early on Thursday,

but I've still got Sunday off.

No. You're coming in late.

Oh, all right, already.

How does she do that to him?

Oh, it's a female thing.
You wouldn't understand.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, what a beautiful gift box.

Ah, yes. That'll be
from the Tony committee.

I made a fantastic speech the other night.

(EXCLAIMING)

Well, it looks like I'll be
bringing home a Tony before you do.

What?

Who's Tony?

And why is he sending you London broil?

Oh, London broil

and sirloin and T-bone and flank. Oh, my!

Tony Tattori, you know, the new guy I met.

Miss Fine, don't you wonder
about a man you've just met

who's lavishing you with expensive gifts?

Yeah. I wonder where
he's been my whole life.

What are you gonna do
with this side of beef?

Oh, I don't know.

We'll probably go out to the theater,

have a couple of drinks afterwards.

Oh, Miss Fine, look at you.

Don't you look ravishing!

Thanks. I'm going out with Tony tonight.

In that?

Don't you like it?

Well, it's just that it's...

it's freezing outside.

Oh, no, sir. Actually, it's the
warmest December day since .

Yes. But there's a cold front coming in.

Oh? I didn't hear that.

Yes. The new butler is bringing it.

Well, how can a butler bring... Oh.

Miss Fine, it's just that I'm
concerned about you freezing out there.

Oh, don't you worry. I've got a coat.

What's this Tony fellow like anyway?

Oh, well, he's cute, he's rich.

He's got an adorable accent,
and he loves musical theater.

I'll tell you, he's like
nobody I've ever met before.

- What kind of car does he drive?
- A limo.

- Town Car?
- Stretch. It's enormous.

Bigger than mine?

Honey, if it's so important to you,

whip yours out of the garage,

and we'll have a limo measuring contest.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hey, Mr. Tony.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Never have I seen you
with anyone more beautiful.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Fine. Fran Fine.

Hey, Gino, Carmine, Mr. Tony's table!

Wow! You must be some big tipper.

The owner's in the family.

Oh, a cousin?

No. No relation.

Oh, would you look at
those four guys over there?

They were sitting right behind
us in Beauty and the Beast.

Is that a coincidence or what?

Hey, fellas, did you enjoy the show?

- Good show. Yeah.
- The teapot was funny.

So, tell me about yourself.

What do you like to do besides
dress like a million bucks

and drive around in a limo?

Which is all I ever really aspired to.

It's not important what I do.

It is important who I am.

Who are you?

It is not important who I am.

It is important who I am with.

(EXCLAIMING)

Here. This is for you.

Oh, Tony, you shouldn't have.

Yes, you should have! Oh, my God!

Fran, you are the most lovely
creature I've ever set eyes upon

except for my late mother.

Poor woman, just couldn't
keep her mouth shut.

Oh, Tony, would you excuse me, please?

I've got to go powder my nose.

You've gotta go, too?

Boy, this is getting freaky.

Oh, oh, oh, God.

(EXCLAIMING)

I gotta call Val.

Yes. Hi, Mrs. Toriello. Is Val home?

I guess that was a stupid question.

Oh, hi, Val. You're not
gonna believe this present

that Tony gave me!

(g*ns f*ring)

Oh, oh, oh.

They're not gonna get this!

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, my... oh, my God.

(GASPING) Tony, what happened?

Jimmy Nucci said hello.

Oh, no. Tony, it'll never work out.

I'm Jewish.

And you're a k*ller.

(SCREAMING)

Gracie, I told you to
give this thing to charity.

What's it doing in my bed?

Hmm.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Oh, oh, Val, what are
you doing here so early?

I want to know what Tony gave you.

Oh, who cares what he gave me?

Isn't it gorgeous?

Honey, I gotta break up with him, though.

I gotta end this relationship

because, you know, Tony is...

A nose picker?

Oh, they are the worst.

Let me guess, while he's driving?

What is it with guys and cars?

They think no one can see in?

Oh, Val, I blame myself.

Remember when I gave you
your first Toni Home Perm?

I wasn't supposed to leave the
chemicals on for four hours.

I just wanted to watch The Thorn Birds.

Val, Tony is in the mob.

Fran, just 'cause he's Italian
doesn't mean he's in the mob.

I mean, that's like saying
just 'cause you're Jewish,

your mother drives you crazy,
and you eat when you're upset.

Oh, Val, what am I gonna do?

Fran, I am very offended.

Just 'cause I'm Italian doesn't mean

I know everything about the mob.

But if the jamook is a chooch,

it means he's gotta whack a
jadrool to become Cosa Nostra.

You better tell Mr. Sheffield right away.

Val, I can't tell anyone.

Whoever knows is in grave danger.

But you just told me.

Well, I had to tell someone.

Yeah. But why would you
put my life in danger?

Well, you're my best friend.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Listen, Franny, you better
break up with Tony right away.

Val, you can't just break
up with guys like this.

You gotta move to Idaho,
take a Nordic name,

and never see your family
again for the rest of your life.

What do you think of Helga?

Oh, sl*ve.

Yes, Master Brighton.

Here is your orange yoghurt smoothie.

Oh, that's a good sl*ve.

Hey, let's just hope you didn't put
anything gross or disgusting in it

because naturally I'm gonna
make you taste it first.

You will be broken.

Fran, somebody is gonna be k*lled.

(GASPING) Who told you?

I'm talking about Brighton.

He stole my diary,

and he says he's gonna show Dad

unless I do everything he wants for a week.

Oh, honey, I could have
made you a sl*ve for a month

off of page alone.

I imagine.

Fran, what am I gonna do?

Sweetie, didn't he read the chapter

where you caught him on tape

French kissing your old Lisa Simpson doll?

I don't have a tape of that.

Oh, well, now you do.

Oh, my gosh, Fran, I love you.

How did you know to do this?

Sweetie, I'm a nanny.

Sooner or later either you
or Gracie was gonna need it.

Miss Fine, is there anything wrong?

Oh, Niles, I wish I can tell you,

but anyone who knows is in grave danger.

You mean your involvement with a mobster

you're terrified to break up with

because you think he's gonna rub you out?

Val told you?

One Dove bar and she
spilled like a cup of coffee.

Hey, wait a minute.

Tony's not the only one
with muscle in his family.

I got relatives, too. I
can have him taken care of.

You mean k*lled?

No! Audited.

Oh, Maxwell, calm down.

So we lost Whoopie.

I'm sure the theater owner will
let us out of our commitment.

I'll just charm him.

Okay. Then how about this?

We'll just move up the next show.

(IMITATING C.C.) Oh, we'll
just move up the next show.

The one for which we don't have a director,

a set designer, or a
tenor to sing the lead,

which is why we moved it
back in the first place.

Maxwell, if you intend to get
gruff with me, lock the door.

Mr. Sheffield, I must speak with you.

You know, they make
estrogen in a patch now.

It has to do with Miss Fine.

Yes, well, what is it?

Well, I can't tell you, sir.

Anyone who knows could be in grave danger.

Well, then, why did you bother to come in?

To tell her.

Listen, Tennessee Tuxedo,

I don't have time for you today.

I have to find a tenor for our new show.

Wait a minute.

Maxwell, Niles has a beautiful voice.

We'll just put him in the show.

Can you do a southern accent?

"It's Shake 'N Bake, and I helped."

Can you do a time step?

(SCATTING)

Can you be more naive?

Sucker.

Well, she got you that time, old man.

Oh, I let her have that one, sir.

She gets satisfaction
from a man so infrequently.

So, what's all this about Miss Fine, eh?

(CLEARING THROAT) Well, just a
minute, sir. I need to clear my throat.

(SINGING)

Forget it, Niles. Okay.

Miss Fine is being intimidated
by a certain gentleman,

tall, dark, handsome...

What did I do?

Sorry, sir. It was a fly.

Sir, it's just that, well,

Mr. Tony is not exactly
Miss Fine's cup of tea.

Oh, don't tell me Miss
Fine is put off by a man

who likes to say it with meat?

Well, you're missing the point, sir.

Miss Fine would like to break up with Tony,

- but she's afraid to because...
- I know. I know, I know.

She doesn't want to devastate the man,

hurt his feelings, break his heart.

I'll do it for her.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, Tony, I can't go out with you any more.

I know what you do, and...

I'll be dead before I finish that sentence.

Okay. Hang tough. Don't let him scare you.

Baby, give me a kiss.

Okay.

Oh, no, no, Tony.

Come on, let's go get something to eat.

Oh, no. No, I can't.

Usually, when I say "Jump,"
people say, "How high?"

Okay.

I can't leave because of the kids,
and I just had a big sandwich.

Oh, Miss Fine, there you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, this is Tony.

Tony, this is Mr. Sheffield.

If he says, "Jump," just jump!

So, you're the infamous Tony, huh?

You and I need to have a word.

Well, what happened to having a word?

There you go, sweetheart.
Take a sh*t at Puccini, eh?

Tough family.

Frankie's not getting
his until he's confirmed.

Off you go, sweetheart.
Don't forget your sheet music.

There was a violin in there?

Yes. Why? What'd you think it was?

A machine g*n?

Oh, you thought I was packing heat

like some cartoon mobster, eh?

What's the matter, Miss
Fine? You need a Kleenex?

Miss Fine, that's not very attractive.

You keep that up, you won't
need me to break up with him.

You want to break up with me?

What? There's something going on

between you and Pierce Bronston here?

I'll go call an ambulance.

Well, Tony, I do think
it's all for the best.

Fran, I do not like where this is going.

Oh, okay. I take it all back.

Where do you want to live?

Miss Fine, would you stop doing that?

Now, look here, she doesn't
want to see you any more,

and that's that.

What? Are the boys doing some kind
of blooper thing for my birthday? Huh?

What's going on?

Niles told me to come out here

and stand in front of Maxwell.

Oh, by the way, I just signed

Mandy Patinkin to do our new show.

Wait, you're Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer?

Yes.

* If I loved you *

* Time and again I would try to say *

Actually, we need a tenor.

* All I'd want you to know *

You... you tell me, if...

perhaps if you weren't so
involved with Miss Fine,

you'd have time to understudy Mandy.

Oh, he's not gonna break up
with me to be an understudy.

Stay out of this, baby.

Where do I sign?

- Right this way.
- You like steaks?

Oh, cheer up, Miss Fine.

So Tony wasn't the one.

You're a beautiful woman. You
shouldn't go rushing into relationships.

Don't chase men. Find a
way to make men chase you.

All right. I'll give it a sh*t.

Your new understudy?

He's in the mob.

Miss Fine!

I don't do no nudity.

(YELPING) Help, help, help!

Your colon's confused.

Don't you have something to do? Absolutely.

I gotta ask you for some time off.

I got a date on Thursday
so I wanna leave early.

Means I've gotta powder
and puff and tease and...

(MUMBLING)

Your colon's confused.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking the wrong way.

I thought we were going back earlier.

- That wouldn't match.
- Wait, hey, wait.

Yeah. This is the gentleman
with the confused colon now...

My...

And then what I went up on...

Gel, mousse... gel, mousse...

- WOMAN: Pluck.
- Pluck, blend.

- Gel, mousse, pluck, blend.
- MAN: Okay. Here we go.

I need some time off. I've
got a date on Thursday,

which means I've gotta pluck and...

(SCREAMING)