01x06 - Toothache

[bunniefuu]

(He chuckles)

Ahhh...

- Rarrrgh!
- Your dental floss, Master.

Renfield! Eeergh...

Just go to your hole!

Thank you, Master.

An early night!

Is that a toffee in your mouth?

This?

Just a very, very chewy cockroach.

How dare you bring confectionery
into this house?

What if my precious son, Vlad,
should find them?

It was your precious son who I stole them
from in the first place.

He's got a whole stash
in his bedroom.

Oh, he has, has he? Right.

Robin and I are going
to have so much fun.

The point I was trying to make
is that a sleepover

isn't the most sensible idea
you've ever had.

What about your father, Vlad?

I know Dad may be an evil
blood-sucking vampire,

but he's actually pretty chilled out.

Vladimir!

All right, hand over the sugar.

Sugar? What sugar?

Vladimir.

- Come on, a few sweets won't hurt.
- Won't hurt? You're a vampire!

How can you except to bite people
if you don't have strong and healthy teeth?

Dad, I don't want to bite people!

You will one day.
Now hand over the sweets.

Or I'll book you in for a check-up
with Renfield.

Renfield?

Sorry, Dad. What was I thinking?

I'll never eat sweets again,
I promise!

Oh, phew!

That was a narrow escape.

Why are you smiling?
You've lost your sweets.

You don't grow up
with the Prince of Darkness

without picking up
the odd trick or two.

He set light to my pyjamas!

I'm not sure it's wise to eat
quite so many sweets, master Vlad.

Oh, not you as well, Zoltan.

My teeth are fine.

Ow!

So, Master Vlad.

A little toothache, eh?

Well, we'll soon have that sorted.

Open wide.

(Drill whirs)

Aaaaaaghhhh!

It's all right.
You were having a nightmare.

- Morning!
- Aargh!

W-w-what do you want?

Your father told me to fix the door.
But I could fix you as well!

(Zoltan growls)

Come on, up you get.
You'll be late!

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgh!

- Morning!
- Aarggh!

Graham? What's happened?

Dad, you're so gullible!
It's my new horror make-up kit!

Robin, I thought there'd been a m*rder!

Don't worry, that could be arranged.

Is everything all right, Vlad?

Mmm, absolutely.

Morning, Ingrid. Happy birthday!

I'm a Dracula.

I'm far too evil for birthdays.

So you won't want this card
from your mother, then?

Dad!

- You garlic muncher!
- Language, Ingrid.

- That was cruel, even for you.
- Oh, yes, I've still got it.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ruler.

- Pencil.
- Pencil.

Scalpel.

- Scalpel?
- Joke!

It's not funny. I need to find out
what's wrong with my teeth.

Before our sleepover.

Well, this book of yours
isn't helping.

That is, it wouldn't be anything
to do with The Change, would it?

The Change happens at the age of .

I've got three whole years
until I start growing fangs.

Growing fangs?
Wicked! What does it say?

Nothing important.

"When a young vampire complains
of dental discomfort,

"he may be about to embark
on The Change."

Robin!

"This occurs at the age of ."

"But can happen
several years earlier."

Do you know what this means?

I'm turning into a vampire!

Gotcha, you Transylvanian vermin!

Congratulations, Jonno!

You're now a Grade One
vampire slayer.

Whatever, Dad.
So when are we going camping?

Camping?

You promised to take me
once I'd got my Grade One.

- Did I?
- Yes!

Oh, right, well...
This weekend, I suppose.

(Bell rings) Wicked!

Come on, let's get this lot
cleared away!

"Dork!" Ha ha ha!

For the last time...

I am not a dork!

Or an ork!

Or a wok!

- Aaaargghhhh!
- Chill out. It's just make-up.

Yeah, I knew that.
I was just humouring you.

- Waarrrgh!
- Jonno.

(Class cheer and jeer)

Quieten down...

before there's a class detention.

And, Branagh,
wash that muck off your face.

- I can't believe you did that!
- It was funny.

- Stupid, as well, with Van Helsing around.
- Sorry.

Look. Maybe you should talk
to your Dad about your teeth.

Tell him I'm going
through The Change? You're crazy?

- Won't he be pleased?
- Pleased? He'll throw a party!

- Wicked! Can I come?
- No! It's not gonna be a party.

Surprise! Oh...

- How did you know?
- Where's Ingrid?

- Oh, you're having a party for Ingrid.
- She's only a pointless female, but...

Oh, Ingrid, darling!
Happy birthday!

Wow!

- What, really? This is all for me?
- You thought we'd forgotten!

Renfield's been out shopping
all week.

Oh, Dad!

It's perfect!

This is the best birthday ever.

I can't believe it.

- All right, what's going on?
- Nothing's going on, my precious.

We just want you to look your best
for your... husband.

- I don't have a husband.
- You do now.

Renfield, introduce Adrianus!

Unfortunately, Adrianus
could not be with us today

so he recorded this special message.

Hello, Ingrid.

Let me introduce you to my goats.

- We're not going.
- What do you mean "we're not going" ?

I passed my Grade One exam.

Then you failed it when you made
a big ninny of yourself in class.

I'll do the test again.
It wasn't exactly hard, was it?

Oh, I see.
So Grade One is too easy?

Well, let's see how you cope
with Grade Three.

- Oooh, Grade Three!
- Yeah, that's right, Jonno.

In at the deep end.

Let's see if you've got
what it takes to be a real slayer.

So those were Fluffy and Iris,
our goats.

And now this is the coffin
we will one day share.

Along with the rest
of my family, of course.

Yes, life is hard here
in Trans-Siberia.

But we know good fortune
has finally come our way,

now that the beautiful
daughter of Count Dracula

has agreed to be my wife.

- This had better be a joke.
- I knew you'd be pleased.

I'll pack your bags!

This is all your fault!

- What did I do?
- You were born!

Look, you're not the only one
with problems.

Ready, Jonno?
Your first challenge.

- Come on, Jonno.
- I'm not eating worms!

Don't be such a big girl's blouse!

- Mmmmm.
- Eurgh!

Mmmmm.

Dad! This is spaghetti!

Got you! But you passed.
Well done, son.

- Can we go camping now?
- Don't be ridiculous.

They don't give a Grade Three away
just like that.

One challenge gone,
two more to go.

So, you'll fly over tomorrow
to collect her?

Ha, ha, ha. Splendid, splendid!

Open up
or I'll put garlic in your slippers!

Ingrid?
Oh, yes, she's very excited.

Hello?

Hello?

Ingrid, I am trying to talk
to your husband!

- He's not my husband!
- No, but he will be.

- You just want to get rid of me!
- Of course I do.

Then it'll just be
me and Vladdy forever.

Well, I don't need Adrianus.

I've already got a boyfriend!

Why the flaming torches
didn't you tell me, silly girl?

I must meet him immediately.
Tonight.

There's always been
a bit of chemistry.

But now I'm Ingrid's boyfriend!

Pretend boyfriend
and for one night only!

Aren't you forgetting something,
Robin?

Our sleepover!

Well, the thing is...
Ingrid is very pretty.

- You're supposed to be my friend!
- Vlad, don't be so selfish.

If I can't prove I've got a boyfriend,
Dad will send me to Trans-Siberia!

Oh, dear. Send us a postcard
when you get there.

Do what you have to, Robin.
I've got plenty of other friends.

Chloe, do you want to come
to my sleepover?

- I'd love to.
- You're aware of Vlad's fang issues?

I'm sure it's just a bit of toothache,
that's all.

Since when vampires are your special subject?

Still, if you know what you're doing.

Ignore her, Vlad.
You're not going to bite me.

I hope not.
I wouldn't want to miss that.

What?

Challenge Two is a test
of nerve and bravery.

Can you retrieve
all three bulbs of garlic

without being bitten
by the six-foot python?

- Oooh, I'm so scared.
- You should be.

Yeah, right. What you got in there?
A bit of rope?

Jonno! Steady!
You'll aggravate Monty!

One bulb.

Two bulbs!

Three bulbs! Easy!

Bats alive, Jonno! That was...

Wow! Well done!

Yeah, like there's really a snake
in that box.

Aaaargh!
I could have been bitten!

Well, what do you think
the gloves were for?

- Father, this is my boyfriend, Uri.
- So!

This is the impudent upstart

that wants to steal my daughter
away from me?

Who, me?
I wouldn't dream of it.

Well, why are you wasting my time?

Take no notice of him.
Uri's completely devoted to me.

Well, let's see whether he's
quite so devoted...

when he's forced to endure...

Ordeal by Sunlight!

Oh, I see!
Ow! Oooo! Make it stop!

- Only if you give up my daughter!
- Never!

I would rather shrivel into dust
than renounce my love for Ingrid!

Hmmm...

He's not even smoking.

You're quite the tough cookie.
Renfield.

Yes, Master.

Fetch the nun's breath!

Oh, the nun's breath!

Time for your third and final challenge.

A blood-sucking vampire
is loose in the school.

Your mission,
should you choose to accept it,

is to hunt him down
and slay him dead. Ready?

Bring it on!

So... even the ordeal by feather duster
cannot crush him.

Congratulations!
You may kiss your prize.

- I shall tell Adrianus the good news.
- Oh, yes!

Dad, where are you?

I'm bored of this now.

There has to be another way
to spend a Friday night.

No, no. I'm afraid
she already has a boyfriend.

I know, it's unbelievable, isn't it?

You know, I think your Dad
really likes me, Ingrid.

What are you still doing here?

I've been asked to stay for dinner.
I'll be moving in soon!

Listen, mongrel.

Here's the plan.

Tomorrow morning,
I get an urgent call

saying that you've been slain
by an angry peasant mob.

You're k*lling me off?

Yeah, Dad'll be gutted.
I'll be in mourning for years!

- But what about us?
- There is no us.

I wouldn't suck your neck if you
were the last breather on earth!

Get out before I vomit on you!
Raaargh!

- I love it when you growl like that!
- Out!

Dad?

Gotcha!

Oh, dear.
You just k*lled a dinner lady.

Shame, I was looking forward
to camping.

- But, Dad, you promised.
- You lost, Jonno.

You'll never be a vampire slayer.

Good, I don't want to be a stupid slayer!
I just want to go camping!

Jonno! Jonno!

Oh, just go to sleep.

You're not going to bite me.

OK.

Night, Chloe.

Night.

Jonno?

I know you're here somewhere.

(Sobbing)

Jonno?

Jonno?

Come on. Talk to me.

I'm sorry, son.
I pushed you too far.

Waaaaaarrrrgh!

Gotcha, Transylvanian vermin!

Where are we going camping?

Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!

What have you done to me?

Congratulations, Master Vlad!

- Your first bite!
- No!

- What am I going to do?
- Excuse me, I'm the victim here!

What happens to me now?

Welcome to the family,
Mistress Chloe.

Daddy!

Daddy! It's Uri! He's dead!

Of course he's dead.
He's a vampire, stupid.

No. I mean he was slain
on his way home this morning.

He stopped off in Paris
for a bite to eat and...

he was set on by a crowd
with garlic!

- I can't believe it!
- Well, I certainly can't.

He's been playing chess
with me all morning.

- Morning, gorgeous!
- What are you doing here?

I couldn't leave you, Ingrid.
You're so special to me.

Wonderful. Now you can really
get to know one another,

get married and leave the castle.
Forever.

Married? To him?

I mean...

Great. I think we should
get betrothed right now!

Betrothed?

Yeah, you know.

Like engaged.

It's a traditional
Transylvanian custom.

Well, all right then, yah!
Let's do it!

- Renfield!
- Good luck, Uri!

What do you mean?

It's just a simple ceremony, right?

Prepare the surgery!

Chloe? What are you doing
in Robin's bedroom?

- Leave me alone. I'm sleeping.
- In the middle of the day?

- You'd better get used to it.
- Oh, no.

Not another Robin, please!

Come on, Chloe, up you get.

Aaaargh! Your neck! Argh!

Graham, pull yourself together!

She's been at Robin's make-up,
that's all.

Make-up?

I should have guessed. Ingrid!

Where are you going?

You're running away.

There's no choice. I can't stay here
and bite all my friends.

But you didn't bite me!

It was Ingrid's idea of a joke.

Yeah, that's great, Chloe.

Say goodbye to Robin for me.

You've been the best friends
I've ever had.

But I'm fine!

You are. I'm not. I've still
got a toothache, haven't I?

And OK,
this time I didn't bite you,

but next time
I could really mess up your life!

Running away won't solve anything.

Chloe, I'm just a heartless vampire.

Aaaaaaaghhh!

- Robin!
- Help!

- Are you coming or not?
- Help me, please!

Someone help!

Help!

Oh, Uri, my brave and special vampire.

- Maybe not so special, after all.
- An impostor!

Ingrid, perhaps you should
explain to your dad.

I certainly will.

He deceived us all, Father.

I'll leave you to punish him
how you see fit.

Not so fast, you wretched girl!

You think I don't know
who's behind this charade?

Pack your bags! You'll need
something warm for Trans-Siberia!

No!

Ingrid's telling the truth.
I deceived her.

I see.

- Made fools of us all!
- Help!

Robin's my friend, remember?

He brought shame on the family name.

You'll understand
when you're a vampire.

I am a vampire. I mean...

That is... l think my fangs
are coming through.

- Oh, please!
- Oh, my son and heir!

Open wide!

He hasn't got his fangs!
He's got toothache.

Ingrid!
Don't ruin this precious moment.

No, she's right... for once.

So what caused the toothache, then?

Cavities! I warned you, boy!

Renfield! Renfield!

What? No! No! Noooooooo!

Tell you what, this is the life,
eh Jonno?

Yeah, the life of a lunatic
and his unfortunate son.

Thanks for stepping in
and saving me, Vlad.

- No worries.
- Are your teeth OK now?

Yeah.
Renfield's a pretty good dentist.

Make way for Ingrid's betrothal cake!

Betrothal? Are we back on?

You'll be back on the menu
if you don't pipe down!

Ingrid is betrothed to Adrianus.

She's preparing herself as we speak.

She really doesn't want to get married.

She has no choice! My word is final.

Master, the guest of honour is here.

Adrianus!

- Dad!
- Please, call me Count.

- And where is the lovely Ingrid?
- Oh, she...

Aaaaaghhh!

- Hi!
- Eeurggggh!

- Ingrid!
- I am not marrying that!

No, wait, look, look!

That's what she really looks like!

Errrghhhh!

Curses!

You ungrateful spawn!

That's the last time
I try to find you a husband!

- Nice one, Ingrid!
- I knew you wouldn't leave me.

Robin, two words. Dream and on!

See what I mean?
Sheer chemistry.