01x10 - Blood Sport

[bunniefuu]

- Aaargh!
- Argh!

Sorry. Great tackle though, wasn't it?

Actually it was a foul.

- You tackled me around the neck.
- Oh. I'll never make the rugby team.

I'm surprised your dad's allowing you to take part.

Hello?! Favourite child? Son and heir?

You haven't asked him yet, have you?

I'm waiting for the right moment.

This probably isn't it.

I thought a mob of peasants was breaking in to the castle!

What's with all the noise?

- Master Vladimir wants to play a game with the breathers.
- Ssh.

Oh, a "see who can get the most villagers on a spike" kind of a game?

No, Dad, it's called rugby.

"The rugby players huddle together,

"toss the ball around,

"and pat each other on the back for being good sports.

Good sports?

I didn't impale half of Wallachia so you could be "a good sport".

But all the other boys play rugby.

- Oh, please let me try out for the team?
- No.

- You mustn't play with food - it spoils your appetite.
- Please?

Please, please, please please, please...

No, no, no, no, no.

This is not happening!

- It's no good. Does he look like a rugby player to you?
- Thanks, Chloe.

- I think.
- You know, if he took off the cloak

and got a bit of sun on his face, he might look normal.

Er, hello? I'm right here, Dad!

We're sorry, love, it's only because we care.

- You want me to get my teeth knocked out?
- Come on.

You'll learn to love it.

- You're a Branagh.
- Read my lips.

- N O way.
- This is not up for discussion.

You're playing rugby and that's final.

Hey, cool rugby top!

No, it's not cool. My parents made me wear it.

I've to try out for rugby. They want me to join in and look normal.

Barbarians! Forcing their child to turn against his nature.

A boy should follow the desires pulsing in his heart.

Exactly! So can I play rugby, Dad, please?

- Absolutely not.
- Are you mad?

- Rugby's a horrible, brutal sport.
- It is?

The teachers encourage the players to push each other in the mud!

They huddle up close and push the other team

- and stamp on their heads.
- And Vladimir wants to partake?

- Well, why didn't you tell me before?
- I did... Wait, I can play?

Of course you can! I'm proud of you.

- At last, an interest in v*olence and cruelty.
- I'm violent and cruel.

- Look.
- Ow!

- Of course. There's something very important you've overlooked.
- What?

It's Vlad that I'm interested in.

Finally you're going to bring glory to the family name!

Whoa, Dad, slow down. I may not get picked.

You shall triumph with my help.

I'll teach you vampire tricks that never fail.

Yes! I can't wait.

Ingrid! When will you accept that you're a girl?

You don't need to learn any tricks. Now go bother yourself with...

I don't know. Dusting skulls, coffins, whatever.

- You can't ignore me for the rest of my life.
- Uh, yes, I can. And I will.

One day your husband will ignore you.

We've been over this. I don't need a husband.

You do. Someone has to tell you what to do.

Are you saying that once I'm married you won't tell me what to do?

I won't even have to talk to you.

Fine. I'll go and get myself a husband then!

And you're getting that fixed, young lady!

DOOR SLAMS Ah...

VIOLINIST PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC

What delusion of grandeur made you think I would pick you?!

You're pathetic, talent-less

- and your blood type doesn't go with anything!
- Next!

- Urgh! His hairline is all wrong.
- Next.

Branagh, Ian Branagh. Licensed to thrill. I have entitled this poem

An Ode to Ingrid.

CLEARS THROAT

I wandered lonely as a dog, that hasn't found its owner yet.

When all at once, I saw Ingrid, and I knew she'd want a pet.

Grovelling. Pathetic.

I kind of like that.

- Write his name down.
- Move on loser.

It's time for rock.

♪ It's all about Ingrid it's all about Ingrid baby! ♪

- Great(!) More wailing.
- # It's all about Ingrid

♪ It's all about Ingrid. ♪

Yeah!

So when's the good bit? Oh, write his name down.

- He's as ugly as the other one.
- Next.

Wait!

Are either of you any good at carpentry?

- Why?
- I broke a table at the castle and someone needs to fix it.

I'm ace at woodwork!

Well, quite talented.

Average-ish.

- OK, I'm pants.
- Next!

Hi, Ingrid, I know someone who can...

I've told you a million times.

I am never, ever going to go out with you.

SCHOOLBOYS CHUCKLE

Now, into the centre. Well, go on!

Right, repeat it back to me.

- I must not bite ears, kick shins or elbow other players...
- Until?

- Until the referee can't see me.
- Now we're talking rugby!

- But it's cheating.
- Isn't it fun?

Let's try some offensive play.

I'll tackle... Renfield! You two,

- try and block me.
- Tackle me?

Ready?

One,

two,

three...

Go!

Mummy!

RENFIELD WHIMPERS AND SHRIEKS

THUD!

"For the dead travel fast", as they say in my homeland.

I know, I know, I make it look so easy.

That was brilliant!

I thought you didn't like rugby?

I don't, but this is evil.

What are you doing?

I'll snap that parasitic vampire in action

and show the pictures to the world.

Dad, vampires don't exist.

Don't exist?! There's one in this very town, Jonathan!

He wears a cloak. He lives in a castle.

What proof do you need?!

Now, where's my dynamite.

- Dynamite?!
- I've got to get into the castle somehow.

Great plan, Dad(!) Very undercover.

- No-one will notice a massive expl*si*n(!)
- Trust me.

I've been doing this a long time. Dynamite has never let me down.

You won't need dynamite.

Ingrid broke a table. They need a carpenter. You could mend it.

Jonathan?

Is it really you speaking?!

I'm proud of you, my boy!

We'll make a vampire slayer of you yet!

Right, Vlad, now it's your turn. Renfield, stand over there. Renfield!

Mess yaster?

Try to stop Vlad from getting past you.

Now, Vlad, to the att*ck!

No-one gets past Renfield the Repulsive!

- It's useless. I'll never get on the team.
- Of course you will!

- What's wrong with him?
- He needs a thirst for it, Your Evilness.

Ah, thirst to succeed.

Come to think of it, all this violent exercise has given me a thirst.

- Whoops.
- Vlad, your dad's got that funny look in his eyes again.

Garrr! Don't worry.

- You won't feel a thing. Not after you're dead.
- Vlad!

Dad, stop!

- Friends are not food, remember?
- There, I knew you could do it!

What?! Was all that a trick?

Ha ha ha.

Of course a trick.

Very funny.

- How could you?
- Just proving a point.

- You can use your powers when you want to!
- I didn't use any powers.

- How did you pass Renfield the Repulsive?
- With a well-aimed tackle.

Oh, I'm proud of you my son. What a vampire I'll make of you yet!

No, no.

- Don't pass it to me.
- Robin?

Robin, wake up.

Argh!

Wake up.

- I've just had a terrible nightmare. I was playing rugby...
- And?

No, that's it. Help me get out of the trials, please.

I might have one idea that might help.

Thanks, Chloe, you're a genius.

A child prodigy actually but let's not split hairs.

Remember, the pride of our house is your pride.

Our glory is your glory. The family reputation rests on your shoulders.

- Now, have you got your orange for half-time?
- Yes, Dad.

Renfield, attire my son and heir for battle.

Give him his kit. His kit!

Oh...

A new kit?

Oh, thanks, Dad.

- Now go and shed the blood of our enemies.
- Good luck.

Thank you, Zoltan.

Make me proud, son.

And whatever you do, don't forget to cheat.

- Time has come, Jonno, the time to fulfil my destiny.
- What?

- Teaching Year to make cuckoo clocks?
- Funny.

I'll expose that blood-sucking, revolting, treacherous...

- What are you looking at?
- You've got something on your back.

It's loony. Two Os. Not lunny.

I am a LOONY!

- Yes, Dad.
- Mocked by children who can't even SPELL.

That's it. Once and for all

I'm going to prove vampires exist and nothing will stop me.

- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

This is just what I need(!)

Urgh, no, no.

Which leaves...

Hey, have you decided yet?

I've got a shortlist of two.

Both complete idiots. Yes, you two.

Excellent!

- Ah.
- But we can't both be your funkadelic muppet of lurve.

- Sorry.
- So who's it going to be?

- I'll know once I've opened my presents.
- Presents? What presents?

- We haven't got...
- Them, with us.

Well, go and get them.

Give them to me after the match.

Right now I'm going to watch my brother get trampled to smithereens.

She is evil.

- Selfish.
- Spiteful.

- Cruel.
- She's mine. I deserve her.

- No, I deserve her.
- I deserve her more.

Hi, Robin.

WHY are you dressed like THAT?!

Why do you think?

Obviously I've been really hurt and I'm in complete agony.

- Nice way out of trials.
- Chloe's idea not to get my teeth knocked out.

I can't wait. For once, I won't be different, weird or get funny looks.

At last I'll know what it's like to be normal. If I'm lucky...

I might even get on the team.

BOYS LAUGH

What are they laughing at?

That is the coolest rugby kit I have EVER seen.

Thanks, Dad.

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK, lads, line up.

Good luck!

BELL RINGS

- What?
- Hello. I'm the woodwork teacher from Stokely Grammar School.

I hear you have a table that needs fixing?

Yes, but you can't come in. Master's orders.

- No strange men allowed in the castle when he's asleep.
- Well...

BELL RINGS

Didn't you hear me?! No strange men...

Why, hello.

I'm a lady carpenter

and I heard that you have a table that needs mending

in these parts.

May I come in?

Oh...

Where are my manners?

Allow me.

Go, Vlad, go.

Go, Vlad, go!

Robin, give him a bit of support.

Woo, rugby, how interesting.

Go, Vlad. Er, actually,

- mind out for the...
- THUMP!

That had to hurt.

That's it, catch it. Now run. RUN!

Come on, squish the pale little freak!

That's it, dodge.

Dodge left. No! Left!

Now swerve!

Swerve! THUD!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Jonathan, buzz off.

Come on, Vlad! Rip his legs off!

- You can do...
- HE COUGHS

RENFIELD SIMPERS

Any chance of a glass of water? I'm parched.

SQUEALING

DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS

DOOR SLAMS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

How delightful. Lunch.

HE SCREAMS

That's it, Vlad, tackle him! Tackle him!

Yes!

Oh... OK, no.

Well, get up then. What's wrong with you?

It's only a knee. You've got another one!

- WHISTLE BLOWS
- What?
- Robin, I'm so proud of you.

Who'd have thought it? Gloom cookie Robin is a real Branagh after all.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Is he dead yet?

He's battered and bruised but don't worry, he'll live.

What a shame.

JONNO COUGHS

Oh, you shouldn't have.

No, really.

You shouldn't have.

Right, off to find me a husband.

SHE HUMS: "Here Comes The Bride"

How sweet the scent of fear. And how thrilling to make the chase.

You can run

but you can't hide.

What am I doing?

The Master will be so cross.

I really shouldn't keep you all to myself.

But then, then you'd have to share me.

Oh...

It would be nice to have something all to myself for once.

Wouldn't it just? Now,

wouldn't you like a walk in the lovely fresh air...

Mmm...

..darling?

You mean the secret passageway?

Secret passage?

Where is it? Quick.

I'll show you...

for a kiss.

Open the door and I will be gentle.

If not... LAUGHS EVILLY

Oh, I've still got it.

Coming to get you, ready or not.

Renfield!

I'm so hungry.

Wilkins, good work in the scrum. You'll be the number eight.

Thanks, sir.

Johnson, as usual, you're on the left flank.

For showing bravery, determination and willingness to tackle anyone,

the fly-half will be Vladimir Count.

Oh, yes!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

- Well done, Vlad!
- Thanks. I'm on the team, Robin.

- Oh, I'm so jealous.
- Lastly,

in a very special position on the team, in recognition

of his unflagging support

despite his tremendous and crippling injuries,

- Robin Branagh.
- TEAM: Well done.

Cheap.

- And my colour is black.
- I spent my pocket money on that perfume.

Come on, Ingrid, pick one of us.

- I'll pick the first one of you to propose.
- Propose?

- As in marry?
- Who said anything about marriage?

What do you think you've been competing for?

Er, a big wet snog.

Long walks as the sunset paints the leaves russet.

Come on, get down on your knees and beg for my hand.

- She's yours. You deserve her.
- No, you deserve her.
- No you.

What was I thinking?

Married to a breather.

Why would I lower myself?

Stokely.

Stokely.

S-T

O-K

E-L-Y...

Go, Stokely, go.

APPLAUSE

- Who's there?
- Just me.

Alone.

I can't wait for you to see these pictures, my boy.

Photos of the Count hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Cast-iron proof he's a vampire.

I can see the headlines now. "Van Helsing thanked by town mayor."

"Van Helsing knighted by Queen."

Yes, Dad, except these just show the castle ceiling.

I'm going to be so famous.

Mr Count isn't in these photos at all.

What?

No, no, no. He was...

pointed right at him.

Maybe the camera's broken.

No, I checked it, cleaned it,

polished all the little mirrors and...

Mirrors! Cameras work with mirrors.

Stupid, stupid camera!

Vampires don't have reflections!

It's all right. We'll get proof next time.

Now, how about I make you a nice cup of tea?

POP!

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

And here's to the glorious triumph of my son and heir, Vladimir Dracula!

ZOLTAN HOWLS

Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Zoltan.

My son has bloodied his sword and by deceit and cunning has triumphed!

Except he didn't use deceit.

- Ingrid!
- Or break a single rule.

- Ingrid!
- Or cheat.

Vladimir, is this true?

- Yeah, but I got on the team.
- What?!

You've dragged our family name through the mud

- and poked it with sticks. Go to your room.
- But...
- Go to your room now!

I made at least three boys cry today and without even looking at them.

- You go to your room too.
- I haven't done anything.

I know, but when the bedroom door's closed I can't hear you TALKING!

I hope you get tooth decay!

Um, Master, I was wondering...

will you be sitting on me much longer?

Yes. You're being punished. Have you forgotten why you're down there?

I'm sorry, Master!

I should never, ever have done it.

What was it again?

It?!

IT was about this high with pink lipstick and wearing a dress!

A succulent female skipped into the castle of her own free will

and you let her get away!

Oh, yeah, that.

"No-one gets past Renfield the Repulsive"?!

Meals on heels was delivered right to my tomb side and you let her escape!

I didn't mean it.

It will never, ever happen again, I promise.

- Please can I get up now?
- I doubt it.

I've just stuck you to the floor.

Master. Master? Master, don't leave me like this.

You must stay up here until you behave like an evil vampire.

But I got picked for the team.

That's not the point.

D'you think the breathers will play fair when they discover what you are?

D'you think they won't cringe in horror with their flat teeth

and, eurgh, blue canvas trousers?

- It'll be stake and garlic before you can say "Haemoglobin".
- But...

Accept what you are, Vladimir.

A vampire.

Now, I think I'll go and kick Renfield very hard up the bottom.

Mmm.

- Zoltan?
- Yes, young Master?

I'm on the rugby team!