01x11 - Father's Day

[bunniefuu]

In the name of all that's evil, what foul wrongness is this?

It's the school fancy dress dance tonight.

I'm in charge of decorations so I picked the theme.

She chose "horror".

- Horrifying, isn't it?
- I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to Vlad. What are you wearing?

I've joined the Scouts. Is that all right?

Not till there's breath in my body.

No son of Dracula wears a woggle!

But please, Dad! They do all this cool stuff -

fire-lighting, tying knots, hiking...

I'm not having you running about in the fresh air!

You need to stay in your room more,

nurse your psychotic rage.

That's how I was brought up. It never did me any harm, did it?

Nobody answer that.

These aren't very scary.

They are to me. Now get out of here.

Ingrid...

You know, I've been meaning to ask...

why are you dangling from the ropes by your pants?

The twins put me here cos my dad gave them detention.

- Oh, right.
- Ingrid?

Please help me down.

Sorry, don't do the "H" word.

I'm supposed to be meeting Dad's girlfriend tonight!

Van Helstink's got a girlfriend?

Where did he meet her - a hospital for the desperate(?)

- Actually, we met on the internet.
- Close enough.

So, did you do this to my son?

No, unfortunately.

However, you failed to prevent it. Which means I have to punish you.

Good luck with that - my detention diary's crammed.

I might be able to squeeze you in next spring?

I don't think we need to wait till then.

Tell me...at the dance tonight, who's in charge of the cloakroom?

How should I know?

That job always goes to the most unpopular kid in schoo...

No way! I'm not doing it!

Hmm, perhaps I should raise the STAKES,

talk to your father about this.

All right, I'll do it!

You've learned something today.

Don't play out of your league, little girl!

You see, Jonno? That's the way to deal with her kind.

Er, Dad, aren't you forgetting something?

Yes. Sorry about that.

"World's Best Dad"? I didn't realise your dad had won an award!

It's not a real award, you egg. It's a Father's Day card.

- Father's Day?
- It's a breather thing. You have to get your dad cards,

- presents and do lame things to please them.
- I hate doing dad stuff.

Flying lessons, biting practice - it's like his only purpose in life

is to stop me having fun.

Everyone feels like that about their parents.

The point of Father's Day is to pretend you don't.

- Softens them up for when you want to get away with something.
- Like what?

I've agreed to go camping with Dad and Chloe tonight.

In return, he'll pretend to believe me when I "lose" my school report.

- So Father's Day is basically a way of conning your dad?
- Your point is?

Got any spare cards?

- Robin! Finished packing?
- Not yet.
- Well, hurry up!

Every minute you waste, we lose a minute's camping.

I am aware of that.

You are SO lucky. I'd do anything to get my dad to take me camping.

I'd give anything for a dad whose idea of a good time

isn't singing "Ging g*ng Goolie".

My dad could learn a thing or two from yours.

Like how to wear his jeans under his armpit?

No, like how to lighten up and enjoy the outdoor life.

You know what? We should get our dads together.

- They could be a good influence on each other.
- Good one, Vlad!

Like Count Dracula would ever go on a Branagh camping trip!

- Are you serious?! Do you really think your dad'll agree to come?
- Yeah.

I'll tell him it's Father's Day and I'm doing it for him.

Now you're getting the hang of it!

Hey, Dad, is it OK if Vlad comes camping tonight?

Sure, the more the merrier.

- Good. Cos I asked his dad to come too.
- Wait a minute!

Vlad's welcome but Mr Count's a bit...

- What I mean, it's not really his sort of thing.
- That's the point!

You two are so different. You could experience each other's cultures.

Or something.

Vladdy, you know I don't approve of weird foreign superstitions.

But Father's Day's different. It's all about how great you are.

You even get presents.

At last, a sensible British custom.

Right, bring me my presents!

You'll have to wait. It's a surprise.

Ooh, can I have a clue?

OK, it's something we can do together.

Something we can do together.

..No, won't be that.

Shouldn't we be getting home?

Sorry, didn't I tell you?

I'm meeting Lucie here.

- At school?
- I've told her that I'm devoted to my work.

She accepts me for who I am.

About that. Dad, you know how every time you go on a date,

the girl goes to the bathroom and never comes back?

Why do you think that is?

A wave of vampire abductions!

Or do you think that maybe your slaying obsession puts them off?

I mean, just a little bit?

What are you saying?

If you want this date to last longer than it takes

to climb out of a toilet window, don't mention vampires.

Mmm. Right.

Is it Father's Day now, Renfield?

No, Master, and it's only five minutes since you last asked.

I wonder where Vladdy's hidden my presents. Maybe I should look?

If you do that, Master, it won't be a surprise.

"Something we can do together." Now, what could that be?

ENGINE HUMS, HE SNIFFS

One...two...three. I knew it!

Vladdy's finally got the thirst for blood!

He's brought me some Father's Day peasants!

I'll just get Dad.

Hello, Vladdy! This is the best surprise ever.

Shall we bite them now?

- What? No!
- Oh, very well. Just hide them in the larder till later.

- Dad! The Branaghs are here because we're going on a camping trip!
- Oh.

- THEN do I get my Father's Day surprise?
- No, this is your surprise!

Surprise!

THIS is my surprise?!

A camping trip with a family of ugly peasants?!

What did you say?

Ugly peasants!

THUNDER RUMBLES

Now look what you've done!

Oh, dear it's raining.

Looks like the trip's off.

Not necessarily.

What do you reckon?

- Camping indoors? Impossible!
- You're behind the times, Count.

You can pitch these modern tents on solid rock.

- I'll have ours up in five minutes.
- Can I help?
- No!

You can help me pitch OUR tent. And we'll do it in four minutes!

Oi, can we get some service round here!

- Ingrid!
- You're on cloakroom duty?!

So I am(!)

- Any other blindingly obvious facts you'd like to share?
- Hey, Ingrid...

Vee vant to suck your blood!

Yeah. Well, I have to stamp your hands.

Uh!

- Uh!
- Enjoy the dance.

Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find Mr Van Helsing?

- I'd be delighted to show you.
- Lucie?

- I'm Jonathan.
- Oh, hi. I've heard so much about you!

Finished! Ha! We win! Huh! Suck on that, peasants!

Oh, suck on what?

Oh, that. I see.

- Are you sure it's quite safe?
- Safe?! Is my tent safe?!

CREAK!

- Renfield!
- Yes, Master?

You shall be the first to try out my tent!

Oh, thank you, Master!

Thank you.

Just get in the tent!

Oh, now, this IS nice!

Help!

I think that's - to the Branaghs.

Master! Help!

Wow. So this is your woodwork room?

This is it.

I kept telling him to take you on a proper date.

There's no need! I'm impressed by your father's dedication.

As a librarian, I think education's so important.

- You're a librarian?
- Sorry, boring job I'm afraid!
- No...

it's just that, I'm glad my Dad's finally met someone so...so normal!

Well, we normal people have to stick together.

How else can we defeat the plague of vampires that threatens our town?

How's that fire coming along, Vlad?

Rubbish. Yours looks fantastic, though. Doesn't it, Dad?

- Tch!
- Dad, the sausages are ready!

Marvellous!

Keep trying. I'll give you some tips after supper. Come on, Robin.

I'll give you a tip!

- Now, that's how you start a fire!
- Dad!

- I wanted to light it the normal way!
- But that IS the normal way!

This is a number seven stake,

used for vampires years old or less.

I've always wanted to meet a vampire slayer.

I'd keep looking if I was you.

Now for the crown jewel of my collection...

My most recent eSlay purchase!

A garlic juice g*n!

Yes.

This little beauty sprays liquid garlic over a range of feet...

Go on, try her out.

What do you think, eh, Jonno? Isn't she amazing?

If by "amazing" you mean "madder than a box of frogs", then yes.

I've got something very special planned for us later.

I thought you might like to help me try out my...garlic g*n.

You mean we're going to splat some vampires?

Not the castle. Oh, please not the castle.

We're going to the castle!

Well, that fire's coming along! Nice work, Vlad!

Nice?! It spits on your feeble excuse for a fire!

- Dad!
- Why don't we all calm down and enjoy a nice hot dog?

Because we don't want your peasant food! WE will prepare our own feast.

Barbecued slug, Master?

- Not now, Renfield!
- Suit yourself.

- Are you sure? It's all black and crunchy.
- I said, shut up!

And crawl back to your slimepit, you filthy, incompetent tent-wrecker!

Vladdy, you'll have to get my supper.

After you've sorted out the tent.

Actually, Dad, I'm going to join Mr Branagh's camp.

Why? Why would you do that?

Cos he's not a sulky bully. And he makes a mean hot dog.

If that's how you feel, go to your stupid peasant camp.

- See if I care.
- Well, I will.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine!

Hey, Jonathan! How's the date going?

Leave me alone.

Whatever.

What's going on?

Look into my eyes and tell Ingrid what's going on.

My dad's date believes in vampires

and wants to go to the castle to look for them.

Oh, she does, does she?

Looks like I've got some work to do.

You've got to stop letting Count treat you like this.

- Like what?
- Like you're his brainless, toadying skivvy.

You've got to stand up for yourself.

What do you know? You're just a stupid girl.

Renfield, have you ever heard of feminism?

- The suffragettes?
- Oh...! No.

- OK. I think it's time for a history lesson.
- Huh?

Now, the first rule of slaying is always be on your guard.

Mr Van Helsing, did you tell a group of Year s

- to change the tyres on your car?
- No.
- Oh.

- That's strange.
- My car?!

Wait there, I won't be long.

And remember the first rule, be on your guard!

I will!

So, Lucie, Jonathan tells me you're scared of vampires?

Who isn't? They're the most dangerous creatures on this planet.

Cool. ..I mean, really?

Mmm. My friend Holly says they're worse than zombies, ghouls,

mummies, the Loch Ness monster...

..Oi, get off! Are you looking for another game of bungee pants?

Ingrid wants to see you in the woodwork room. Urgently.

Ingrid wants to see you in the woodwork room. Urgently.

..crop circles, bigfoot, mothmen, spontaneous human combustion.

Yeah, but most of all you're scared of vampires?

I mean, if a vampire walked in here right now...

I don't know what I'd do without Mr Van Helsing to protect me.

I'd probably run away and never come back.

KNOCKING ON DOOR (Nice timing.)

I wonder who that could be?

Vee vant to suck your blood!

SHE SCREAMS

See ya, suckers.

What was all that about?

Women. Must be having one of those "bad hair days".

Race you to the sugar-free pop!

Lucie! Run for your life!

I'm not running anywhere.

But there are vampires in the school!

I know.

And next time...

I'll be ready for them!

Let's kick some vampire butt!

You know what? I think that could be arranged.

Well done, Vlad, that's a perfect sheepshank!

Robin, yours looks more like a... a noose.

Don't think that's accidental.

- Maybe that's enough knots for one day.
- Oh, yes!

- How about a singalong?
- No!
- Lucky I remembered my guitar.

- Isn't this great?
- Not really. I wish your dad was here.

He won't come, he's in a mood.

Maybe I could talk him round?

- You'd do that for me? You sure?
- Of course I'm sure.

OK, how about we kick off with Cliff Richard?

I'm sure I wanna get away from this racket.

♪ We're... We're all going on a summer holiday

♪ No more working for a week or two... ♪

You see, you have to demand recognition.

- That's what the suffragettes did.
- By chaining themselves to railings?

- Didn't it make their masters angry?
- Of course!

But it got their attention!

Now, they also marched, carried banners and picketed.

I love picketing! All those flies you get in your sandwiches!

- Or bits of dead hedgehog...
- Um, that's picnicking.

When they're all split open and maggots and everything. Really good.

Especially if you put them into the fire and they pop and explode.

Oh, Mrs Nosferatu, what WERE you thinking?

- KNOCKING ON DOOR
- Wait!

Enter!

Oh, it's you. What do you want?

- Just wondered if you're all right.
- Well, no, I'm not!

I gave that boy the best years of my unlife,

taught him everything I know, and he prefers that red-faced peasant.

- It's so unfair.
- I know. Who wouldn't want a vampire for a dad?

I know that and you know that, it's obvious to everyone except Vlad.

- I mean, how can I make him see how fantastic I am?
- Well...

We're thinking the same thing, aren't we?

- Maybe.
- Drain your father's blood and feed him to the hounds. Am I right?

I was thinking more like, use me to make Vlad jealous

- so he appreciates you more.
- Hmm. Well, it's worth a try.

If it fails, there's always the blood-draining thing. Tell me...

how do we do this?

Nothing says "jealousy" like a big expensive present!

You greedy, selfish, manipulative boy.

How I wish Vlad were more like you.

♪ ...We're going where the sun shines brightly

♪ We're going where the sea... ♪

Vlad, guess what? Your dad's giving me a coffin!

- What?!
- Why?
- I told him how I ask for one every Christmas,

but you keep giving me a mountain bike.

- Why are you giving HIM a present?
- Because Robin appreciates me.

Go down to the crypt and take any one you like.

It's so cool. Come and help me pick!

Count, look, I, um...respect your culture, but this "gift"...

I mean, we haven't got anywhere to put a coffin.

- Ah, so now the fang's in the other neck!
- What?

Well, you tried to steal my son, so I've stolen yours.

I've always wondered, how does it feel...to be a loser?

I don't know! You tell me, Mr Floppy Tent!

Right, that's it!

I challenge you to a duel!

You know what, matey? I accept!

You and me - outside, now!

- Dad! What's going on?
- Chloe! Mr Count and I were just going outside

- to talk about grown-up things.
- But it's raining!
- Ah, so it is.

Why don't we have our talk in the crypt?

Nothing for you to worry about, Chloe.

You're going down, pal!

To the crypt, so we can sort this out reasonably.

I like the oak veneer and velvet upholstery,

but is it as reliable as the old mahogany model?

So much for helping ME out.

All you've done is conned Dad into giving you a coffin!

Relax. It's all part of a masterplan to get the dads we want.

And you get an expensive present.

Oh, yeah, best Father's Day ever.

For YOU maybe! All I wanted was to show Dad

that there's more to life than drinking people's blood.

Well, maybe some of my dad's normality will rub off on him.

Now, peasant, prepare to spill your blood!

Or not.

Dad, we've been through this, you can't bite Mr Branagh!

I wouldn't blunt my fangs on him! This is an honourable duel.

We're fighting to prove who's the best father.

Fighting doesn't prove anything!

It does - it proves who's best at fighting!

Dad? You're not really gonna fight a va... a vastly superior fighter?

When I was in Cub Scouts, I came second in the boxing championship.

Mum said you lost to a girl.

Brownies can be vicious. Bring it on, Count!

Very well! I'll just get my sword.

Sword?

Jonno! Jonno!

Dad?

- What happened?
- Some wretched kids let down all the tyres on my car.

Let's get Lucie and get out of here.

Vampires at three o'clock! Let's do this thing!

Lock and load!

Eat garlic, you son of a bat!

- Lucie?
- Eric?

- Eric?!
- Ingrid!

A word of advice...

..don't play out of your league, boys!

Peasant, prepare to die by my family's ancient sword!

It is the finest w*apon in Transylvania!

It's a thousand years old

and it's... It's, uh...

Totally eaten away with rust.

Come on, then! Not so brave now are you without your sword?

Doesn't matter when I can just...

hypnotise you and drink your blood.

- No!
- Now to prove how great I am

by destroying my victims when they're completely helpless!

- Ha-ha!
- Dad, why does this always happen?

Why can't we go on a simple camping trip

without it ending up in a life-and-death battle?

Why? Because I'm Count Dracula.

I do exactly... what it says on the coffin.

But I don't want a blood-crazed k*ller for a dad.

I want someone who cares for my feelings,

who's not afraid to occasionally admit they're wrong.

Now, Vlad, you know I don't go in for that touchy-breathy stuff.

Then perhaps you should change!

Me? The Prince of Darkness?

- Change?
- Yes!

I see.

HE CLICKS FINGERS

So, you want some, Count? Ready for a knuckle goulash?

- That's no way to sort out your differences reasonably, Dad!
- Chloe?

Yes...I would enjoy some traditional Transylvanian cookery.

- But first, Mr Peasant...
- Graham.

Gra-ham.

..I have to admit I was wrong, to fight you.

That's very big of you, Count.

I must admit, I was a bit embarrassed myself.

So let's set our differences aside. For the sake of our sons.

After all, we care about their feelings, don't we?

Absolutely.

Shake on it?

Well done, Dad. I'm proud of you. You're the best.

Ha-ha! I AM the best father!

In your face, peasant!

I can't believe I thought you were a vampire.

I really am so sorry!

Don't be. Rule two of successful slaying - trust no-one.

- Lucie, you did the right thing.
- There you are, Holly! Told you so!

Who's Holly?

My alien friend. We communicate through an implant in my nose.

OK.

As a caring father, I wish you luck

with your twisted habit of sleeping at night. ..How was that?

Not good, to be honest. Dad if you...

Rights for Renfield! Rights for Renfield!

- What are you doing?
- I'm picnicking, Master. I'm fighting for my rights.

- Well, stop it immediately.
- Never! I demand...recognition!

Of course I recognise you -

- you're that disgusting smelly, imbecile, Renfield!
- Oh, thank you!

Now go and put some trousers on. I'm trying to show Vlad that I love him.

Night, Vladdy. Sleep tight. Hope you find some bedbugs to bite.

- Is that correct?
- Close enough.

'Night, Dad.

Night. ..Mmm.