01x12 - Halloscream

[bunniefuu]

Renfield, is that you?

If I catch you parading around in my cape again,

there'll be trouble.

Well, I wonder where he can be hiding.

Ah.

Aaaghhh!

- Aaagh! Aaagh, aaagh!
- What's the matter, master? What's wrong?

- Nothing, fool. Get off!
- Was it one of your nightmares?

Don't be ridiculous. Count Dracula does not have nightmares.

Was it where Magda gets staked and her ghost comes back to haunt you?

Mention that again, and I will remove your privileges.

- I don't have privileges.
- Then I shall find something else to remove.

BELL RINGS

Tonight will go down in history as the greatest Halloween ever!

- About that...
- A spooky old castle, a family of vampires...

- what more could we want? Bet you've got scary stuff planned.
- Actually...

I've pulled Halloween stunts before.

But think of the mayhem we could both cause!

- Sorry, Robin, I'm going to the school party.
- What?!

- Everyone's going.
- We're not "everyone". We're different.

People may think we're freaks. But at Halloween, we rule!

But I don't want to rule. I want to fit in!

I thought we could stay in tonight. Cook some food, watch some telly.

- Dad?
- Hmm? Whatever you think.

I can't shake the feeling I've forgotten something.

Don't know why. Nothing special about tonight.

Oh, hold still!

It keeps on tearing off.

This is stupid. I don't want to go dressed as a loo roll.

- You're supposed to be a mummy.
- Got it! Why not go as a vampire?

What was I thinking? Where would you get a vampire costume at this hour,

- on Halloween?
- Ooh, is it Halloween?
- Shh!

I don't want Dad to know.

- Why?
- Halloween affects Dad like a lit match in a firework factory.

Even a sausage through the heart wouldn't subdue him.

You mean a stake.

Oh, yes.

You see, the Count has banned me from using that word.

That word and "bun-fight".

Sunlight?

Mm-hmm. Bun-fight and sausage.

Great. We can't even talk about it. This is the worst Halloween ever.

Look, Dad's got a trunk full of old clothes stashed up in the attic.

I bet we could find some scary outfits for the party.

- Better than this, anyway.
- Real vampire clothes?

Are they black?

Oh, wow!

- Spooky!
- Exactly.

It's weird and very dangerous.

So don't touch anything.

There aren't spiders, are there?

- Probably. Why?
- Just asking, because Robin's terrified of them.

Aren't you, Robin?

Robin?

- Robin?!
- Boo!

Idiot!

This attic's awesome. Wow!

- What's this?
- I don't know and I don't want to know. Put it back.

- Hieroglyphics.
- I don't think a ten-year-old can translate

- complex Egyptian hierogl...
- "Danger. Do not open. Run, hide!"

I told you not to touch anything.

It's just a biscuit tin. What's the worst that can happen?

AIR FILLS WITH ROARS AND SHRIEKS

That.

I told you not to open it. Now look what you've done.

- What does it say?
- Have we won a holiday?

No, Robin, we've awoken an ancient curse.

All day I've sensed impending evil.

And now I can smell it.

It's probably those eggs.

Mmm, perhaps. What's the date?

- It's the, um, the Friday.
- No, Jonathan. The date.

Oh!

- It's, er...the, um...
- Well?

- Trick or treat!
- Aaagh!

Back, bloodsuckers! Don't force me to use this!

What on earth are you doing?

No!

I thought that they were...

Nothing.

Come away, children. That man's not very well.

Trick or treat, of course! You know what this means, Jonathan?

Five days till Bonfire Night?

It's Halloween.

"A terrible curse on you and your family, foul fiends.

"From midnight, you'll be stripped of your evil powers

- "and reduced to the status of mortal breathers. Ha, ha".
- Great!

How do I explain this? "Dad, we've accidentally awoken

"a curse and we'll all be turned into normal living..."

Hang on.

Normal? Robin, you're a genius!

- I am?
- You know what this means?

I'm going to have a normal family.

We can go camping together!

Barbecues in the summer!

- Family bike rides!
- But think of what you'll lose.

- What, fangs and a dad who turns into a bat? Who's gonna miss that?
- Me.

- Oh.
- Oh? What do you mean, "oh"?
- Come here.

"If three screams are heard from your family after sunset tonight,

"you'll be freed from the curse".

I don't want to be freed. I like the curse.

"The pyramid turns with each scream. If it gets to three,

"that's it. Game over".

Like that'll happen. Vampires aren't scared of anything.

- SCULPTURE SMASHES
- Aaaah!

- Much.
- Do that in an hour, and you're in trouble.

Great! My only chance to be normal,

and I've got to stop people screaming - at Halloween!

Your dad doesn't know it's Halloween.

MUSIC STARTS PLAYING ABOVE

- ♪ He did the mash
- He did the monster mash... ♪

- Oh, no!
- Oh, wicked!
- I think he remembered.

Ah Vlad, there you are.

Renfield! Take a break.

- Thank you, master.
- That's long enough. Back to work.

- What's going on?
- It's Christmas(!)

What does it look like?

Well, can't you feel the pride stirring in your chest?

Tonight we celebrate vampire heritage! Hundreds of years

of history and culture.

♪ Dem bones, dem bones Dem dry bones

♪ Dem bones, dem bones Dem dry bones

♪ Dem bones, dem bones Dem dry bones... ♪

I had no idea you breathers could be so...tasteful.

♪..hear the voice of the Lord. ♪

Good. You have fun tonight.

- Unfortunately, we've got plans.
- Nothing we can't drop.

Splendid!

The bloodletting, er...the fun begins at six, when the sun has set.

- ROBIN:
- Should be a scream!

I saw fangs and a cape.

It was an easy mistake to make.

Dad, you nearly whisked an eight-year-old!

I was acting on instinct, son.

- As a vampire slayer, I've developed acute senses.
- Dad...

- A heightened awareness that warns me when trouble is brewing.
- Dad!

And at Halloween, it's at its strongest.

Almost like a, a sixth sense.

- Dad, your trousers are on fire.
- Argh!

- Well-spotted.
- That's it. You're staying in tonight.

- Da-ad?
- Not now, Ingrid.

Can't you see I'm engaged in heavy manual labour?

Two inches lower, Renfield.

- I need a costume for the school party.
- Why?

What about that dress thing?

Ruined. I found it in Renfield's wardrobe with the stitching burst.

Well, there's a simple solution to this.

You'll have to get a job.

- Me? Work?
- It'll do you good to get out.

- You can be someone else's problem.
- Why can't Vlad get a job?

Because he has one already. Heir to my throne.

Aah!

♪ Dem bones, dem bones Dem dry bones

- # Dem bones, dem bones... #
- Aah!

MUSIC STOPS

Oh, dear. Well, that's a day's wages you owe me.

And you can forget about going to any parties until I get it.

- The night starts here.
- Just six hours, and you'll be normal!

I'll tell Mum and Dad what we're doing.

- Then we can make your dad scream.
- You mean, stop him screaming.

That's what I said. Wasn't it?

Zoltan, I need your advice. I've got this problem.

Bathe it in warm water and keep it bandaged overnight.

- That works for me.
- No. It's...should you do what's best for yourself,

or what's best for your friends?

Most say you should put others' well-being before your own.

Look at me. I've never been selfish.

And now...I'm stuffed.

Ignored. Mounted on wheels.

- Thanks, Zoltan.
- Glad to be of assistance.

One more thing. Do you know if the Count's scared of anything?

- Something that makes him scream?
- Well, only golf balls.

- Golf balls?
- Of course.

- Well, he is a vampire.
- Golf balls...

DOORBELL RINGS

Trick or treat!

Trick.

What?

You don't know what you're doing, do you?

There's no point trick or treating if you haven't got any tricks.

- Like what?
- Well, fortunately, you've come to the right person.

Right, let the evil games commence!

- Dad, just in time.
- You can start on the sky.

What is the meaning of this?

- This is not scary Halloween fun.
- It is scary.

What if we got to the end and found there was a piece missing?

No, Vlad.

I want to play games that chill to the very core of a man's being.

Charades?

I'm not happy leaving you tonight. You know how you get at Halloween.

I'm going to Vlad's. Trust me.

- We're still replastering after last year.
- It wasn't my fault.

- Pumpkins shouldn't explode.
- And the year before?
- The broomstick

- was an accident waiting to happen.
- DOORBELL RINGS

Your father and I have looked forward to this for weeks.

I don't want it ruined by your antics.

- You little monsters!
- I'm so sorry.

I don't know what came over them. You apologise!

It was him! He told us to do it.

I've called the agency. The babysitter will be here soon.

- Do as she tells you. Behave.
- You can't do this.
- Behave like a child,

- and you get treated like one.
- I have to go to Vlad's.

- It's life and death.
- You should have thought of that.

- Sorry we can't change your nappies.
- Got a party to go to.

- Shut it, Tweedle Dummies.
- Not another word.

You two, pay the babysitter. We'll pick Chloe up on the way home.

When we get back, I want to see this house as it was. No...tomfoolery.

- And no...
- (Shenanigans).
- Shenanigans.

- And no...
- (Hijinks).
- Hijinks, of any sort.

What was that?

Me, putting a cup down!

This time. The next, it could be a vampire breaking in,

trying to suck our blood!

We've got to stop them!

Why don't you leave that and watch some TV?

'Now, hide behind your sofas as we kick off our Halloween Vampire Night

'with the classic...'

'It's best to give your trees support

'by taking a big wooden stake and hammering it...into the soil.

'Bit stiff...'

'The mosquito possesses a serrated proboscis,

'which she uses to pierce humans and drain their blood'.

So I got this babysitting job.

And guess who my first baby is?

Robin's not in his room. His window's open. Must've done a runner.

You've let him escape?

You fools.

Oh, well, that's his funeral.

Come on, let's go party.

Nobody move!

I need money, which means somebody is going to get babysat.

If there's no-one else, it'll have to be you two.

- You're joking?
- Prop forwards do not get babysat.
- Sit!

- How's it going? Anyone screamed yet?
- No, thank goodness.
- Yeah.

Well, now that we're all assembled,

we shall play a proper Halloween game.

- Apple bobbing.
- Oh, great!

Sounds harmless.

Instead of apples, we'll bob for giant fish eyes.

Master, this one's staring at me.

Renfield!

Renfield, are you OK?

Oh, yes. Thank you, master. Thank you.

CLANG!

And how about now?

..And then from the window behind them,

they heard the tap, tap, tap noise.

So if you ever hear that sound, and you want to keep your head

attached to your neck,

then you'd better run.

Run as fast as you...

What was that?

Suckers!

We had you shaking like a little girl.

Ian, you can let go of my hand now.

CLOCK TICKS

I'm bored. I mean, can't someone liven things up a bit?

Ha!

What is this?

A Stokely Halloween tradition... the throwing of the golf ball.

Hmm.

Splendid!

Aa-!

Ah, yes.

- You said golf balls made him scream.
- Ah, yes.

But what I actually meant was G-A-R-L-I-C.

Garlic. The Count's forbidden you from saying that.

Mm-hmm. Sausages, bun-fight and golf balls.

- Think I might take the dog for a walk.
- OK.

Dog?

- What are you doing? Give me that key.
- No. It's for your own good.

What about the people out there? Their lives are in mortal danger.

Not while you're in here, they're not.

How do you play Vampires and Peasants again?

The peasants hide around the castle and then the vampires,

well, they find and bite them.

- What a surprise.
- I'm in! Who wants to be on my team?

- OK.
- Chloe!
- But to make it fair, the first time,

we should be the vampires.

You and your dad can go and hide.

Oh, right. Yeah, sounds good. I'm in.

- That's not how it works.
- Come on, Dad! It can work up an appetite.

One, two, three, four...

Right, right.

..Five, six, seven, eight...

- Well, go on, then. Aren't you gonna hide?
- Are you kidding?

This should k*ll an hour or two.

Truth or dare?

- Truth.
- Chicken.

OK.

Who's the most popular, stylish and beautiful girl in school?

OK, we've decided.

- This is going so well. I think I can feel a pulse already!
- Great.

- Great!
- What? But no-one screamed!

Aaaaaargh!

Jennifer Smith?!

But she's plain and dowdy and... her ears stick out.

- Only joking.
- You should have seen your face.

Do you know what happens to dogs who misbehave?

Ow. Get off, or we won't pay you.

- You've got the money?
- Yeah, Mum gave it to us.

Then why are we sitting around here?

Let's go to the party.

- You need a costume. It's fancy dress.
- Really?

- You mean that's not your real fur?
- Borrow something of Mum's.

She's got some pretty horrifying outfits.

It's OK. It's only one scream.

But it's not even nine o'clock yet. Where's Robin?

He left while you were lying in the foetal position, Master Vlad.

I think he's gone to give your father another golf ball.

Golf ball? What are you talking about?

Ah, well, there was a bit of a misunderstanding.

Master Robin wanted to know if there was anything

that would make the Count scream.

And so naturally, the first thing I thought of was golf balls.

- Garlic!
- Of course, I didn't mean golf balls.

That would be ridiculous.

Just like I didn't actually mean sausages.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

I know you're in here.

Caught you. Traitor!

Vlad!

I was just looking... for the bathroom.

Nope. Not in here.

- Where did that come from?
- Some friend you are.

I'm trying to do what any friend would,

- save you from a life of boredom.
- No, you're not.

- You're just thinking about yourself.
- Someone has to.

You're the only person that doesn't think I'm a freak, Vlad.

No-one else even talks to me.

If you become normal, you won't either.

You'll be too busy going on stupid camping trips and bike rides.

And I'll just be on my own, again.

Let's get rid of this before Dad sees it.

If there's one thing that's gonna make him scream, it's garlic.

- Was that...? And I just...?
- Yep.
- Aaaaah!

Aaagh! Aaagh!

Oh, come on, Dad! You've been in there for ages.

WHISTLING INSIDE

WHISTLING CONTINUES

- This is terrible. This is a disaster.
- What happened?

- It's OK, Vladdy. I'm all right.
- What? Oh. Good.

Never fear, master. I'm here.

Get off me, you imbecile! You're too late!

- I heard you scream and I panicked.
- Me? Count Dracula does not scream!

- You do when you have that nightmare.
- Shut up.
- What nightmare?

- It starts with your mother being staked.
- Who's for a walk?

Then her ghost comes back to haunt him.

A vision of the bride of Dracula. When she pulls back her veil,

her eyes are cold and dead, her skin pale.

She raises her terrifying claws,

her breath rancid. Blood drips from her mouth.

And then...she lunges at his throat!

And that's when he screams and wakes up.

- Dad, I've got your money. I'm going to the party.
- What?

Oh, just leave it in my study.

What? What? What?

Ow, he's biting! Ow!

Thanks, Robin!

Only an hour till midnight.

It might be the last time I see you as a vampire.

Well, we'll still be friends. Even if I'm normal.

I mean, I probably won't come over to see you as often.

Shove off!

Wait.

Here.

You can have this.

I won't be needing it any more.

Oh, thanks!

- Look out! He's got a sausage!
- Aaagh!

Er...trick or treat?

That's that, then.

Sorry, Vlad.

You'd better go home.

Why are you here? We said to stay at home.

What have you done to your hand? I knew you couldn't be trusted.

You're grounded for the rest of your life.

- See you tomorrow.
- Bye, Vlad.

Wait.

You're still gonna need this.

For now!