02x05 - Just Sign Here

[bunniefuu]

Okay, people.
I know you're all anxious to go home,

but we have some housekeeping
to take care of first.

As part of the new
employee evaluation process,

you all took a test
to determine your workplace profile.

Upon completion, you received a packet
outlining your strengths,

areas of growth, and ways to
optimize your role in the company.

You were instructed to sign that packet
and return it to me. [chuckles]

Simple. So simple, in fact,

every MQ employee managed
to follow these instructions

except for the people in this room.

Now, I'm sure you all have your reasons

for not following
this inarguably easy procedure,

but we're not leaving
until the packets are signed.

So let's just be reasonable adults and
sign our packets so we can all go home.

Sound good?

- Mmm, no.
- No. No, no.

[all talking]
Because this test

is absolutely the problem.

[overlapping talking continues]

[Carol] Let's try this again.

Now, according to company policy,

I'm required to listen
to your individual concerns.

But before we start all that,

I'm offering three vacation days
to anyone who signs right now.

Sold. [chuckles]

You ain't got to tell me twice.

Cancún, here I come. [chuckles]

You see that?
It's just that easy, people.

- You sign your paper and--
- I have an issue.

Big surprise.

- I don't like the animal you made me.
- I didn't make you anything.

The test assigned you an animal profile
based on your answers.

It's just a simplistic way
of distilling information.

And because these things
can be kinda clinical, it's just fun.

[shrieks] It is fun! [chuckles]
Sorry, sorry.

Was that too loud? I'm used to just
shouting over the radiator sound...

[quietly] ...all by myself. So, uh...

Okay. Labeling human beings as animals
is not fun.

It's reductive
and completely inaccurate.

Oh, yeah? What animal did you get?

- A baboon. Which is just...
- [chuckles] Yeah, you did.

- That checks out.
- That tracks.

- I agree with Rachel.
- Thank you.

The test is inaccurate.

There's nothing wrong with the test.
It's just--

It's simply putting a label on something
that we already know is true.

For example,
the fact that the tester is a baboon.

We all know that to be true. Correct?

Or that I am a lion, which makes sense
because, of course, king of the jungle.

Okay. If you're happy with your animal,
why are you here, Ian?

Well, as senior management,

I think I should be made aware
of what animal everyone got.

- You really think that's necessary?
- Well, no, and I don't really care.

But I wanna know what Poppy got.
So tell me what she got.

I can't tell you that.

For the sake and safety of the pride,
I should be made aware of what she got!

No. I mean, I can't tell you
because Poppy didn't take the test.

- [Rachel, Dana gasps]
- [Sue] Oh, man.

What?

She's been so busy with work
that Montreal gave her a dispensation.

Uh-oh. Sounds like
Poppy's the king of the jungle.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

You know, I'm never signing
this thing. Never signing it.

Thanks for that, Brad. Now, what
can I do to get you to sign and leave?

Um, nothing.
I don't have a problem with the test.

It's all bullshit.
I'm just here for the data.

And you?

I would've signed.
Brad took my packet.

She'll sign when I sign.
There's a lot here for her to learn.

I'm not sure what I could learn
from a mouse.

Bradley! You got mouse? Me too.
Mouse friends!

- Aw, cute. You and Sue are the same.
- We're the same.

No. I didn't get mouse.
I answered the stupid test randomly.

You got mouse without even trying, huh?

That makes sense.

What animal did you get, Jo?

Shark.

And so it begins.

[whispers] Oh. What is happening?

I predicted this day would come.

Jo believes she's ready to
assert her dominance

and is attempting to devour me.

Please. What kind of a meal
would a mouse make for a shark?

One bit of advice:
You come at me, strike to k*ll.

Oh, rest assured, if you get near
my teeth, I will rip out your throat.

What? No one is k*lling anyone.

Metaphorically, Carol.

Mark my words. When this dance is done,
one of us will be in the other's mouth.

All right. [sighs] What'd I miss?

Brad and Jo are dancing
and trying to eat one another.

f*ckin'-A.

[C.W.] If I may!

Oh. sh*t. C.W., I forgot you were there.

I do believe
I'm missing a great deal of the action.

Yeah, you know what, man?

I actually had the art department
whip up something

so that your, uh, presence here
would be a little bit less weird.

- g*dd*mn.
- That is so much more weird.

That's exactly what a baboon
would say, isn't it?

Just give it a second.

[C.W.] Oh, oh! Careful now.

And how about that?

-How do I look?
- Actually, not that bad.

It's uncanny.

It actually came together quite nicely.

[clears throat] Now, if I may,
I'd like to propose an exchange.

I'm told there's a certain task

which must be performed before
my next paycheck will be relinquished.

Now, if a certain someone

would spill their ink
on the dotted line of compliance,

I may be motivated to do so in kind.

If you are talking about the sensitivity
training that you've been dodging,

I can't sign off on it
until you complete the training.

[groans]

That means watching the video
until the end.

Indoctrination videos? Tests to put
people into categories? It's Orwellian.

- You are a g*dd*mn robot!
- I agree with C.W.

Really?

Oh, uh, n-- [chuckles]
Not-- Not about the video.

He should watch the video.

I just think that you can't shove people
into neat little boxes

to fit some pre-prescribed narrative.

I mean, take me, for example.

I am a multidimensional woman

who also happens to be
a gay person of color.

- What color?
- I'm half-Asian.

My mom was born in Thailand.

[moans] [i]Thailand. So many fond memories.

[i]Bangkok? You better believe it, man.

[i]Phuket? Don't mind if I do.

[i]I once found myself
knee-deep in a mud pit with--

- You know what?
[i]- No, no! No.

I am gonna pull up
the sensitivity training video.

[i]Carol, wait. You're gonna love this.

And you may not come back
until it's finished.

[i]As you wish, fascist.

[i]Resist, my Asian brother. Sister.

[i]I'm sorry, I-I-I-- I'm still
not sure what to call you. I--

Will somebody roll his ass outta here?

Me! I'll do it.

- You can give me the tour, kind sir.
- [C.W.] [i]Yeah. Fine.

Kinda reminds me
of wheeling my dad around.

Hey, do you know any hymns?

Can we circle back to this one not being
white? Because I find that offensive.

I find it offensive
that you find it offensive.

It's an important part of my identity.

Say something in Thai.

- I can't speak it, but I understand it.
- Oh, cool.

[speaks Thai]

What?

Oh, I said, "Black, white, brown, green.

You're the most annoying person
in the world."

I had a Thai girlfriend in the ' s.

- Maybe it was Rachel's mom.
- Ew.

- Jo.
- Jo. There's no reason to be mean.

I am way too young

to have dated Rachel's most likely
equally annoying Thai mother.

My mother is not annoying.

- Then you must get it from your dad.
- Oh, my God. [chuckles]

I cannot be the only person
that finds this test oppressive.

Wha-- [scoffs] Oppressive?

You think 'cause you're half-white
you can go calling stuff oppressive.

I'm sorry.

Is that something you learned
at your private college,

paid for with your trust fund?

- She did it, Carol. She--
- Not now, bracelets.

You wanna know what's oppressive?

The old way we used to do
these employee evaluations.

Where old Carol had to go around
listening to everybody's daddy issues,

and you would show me your skin rashes
like I'm WebMD.

I'm not going back to the old way. Okay?

Do you hear me? I am not going back!
You know what? I need five.

She got us in-- You got us in trouble.

[drumming]
[animal sounds]

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, get out of there.

- But we're so hungry!
- Yeah!

Look, Carol, I have to have protein,
and there's nothing to eat in here.

Th-The lion must feed.

You know, you could all just sign
your packets and go get a proper meal.

[chuckles] Hell, I'll treat you.

No. I don't wanna sign.
I don't like being an otter.

Really? But otters are so cute.
[chuckles]

Well, maybe I don't wanna be cute.

Again, it's not defining you.

It's just a simplistic way
of delineating your personality.

How accurate can it be?
It gave David wolf.

That's right, baby.

- I'm a wolf.
- Yeah, we know.

He won't shut up about it. This has been
the greatest week of his life.

Then why didn't you sign your packet?

It's not in a wolf's nature to roll over
and expose his soft underbelly.

Especially not to authority.

[inhales] No, Carol. I walk my own path.

Room seems smaller.

Oh, God.

Also, I, uh,
left my packet in Yorba Linda.

- I don't know what that means.
- I said, Yorba Linda.

All right.
I'll be the one that takes the bait.

David, why were you in Yorba Linda?

Bradley, you want to, uh, pop the news?

David's got a girlfriend.

- Aw.
- Oh, that's sweet.

- Yeah, that's nice.
- Ain't no thing.

- She's a widow.
- Oh.

- Yeah, that makes sense.
- But she's a young widow.

- That's so much sadder, bud.
- How'd her husband die?

I don't know. I haven't
asked that yet. It's still fresh.

The relationship or the body?

[sighs] The relationship, Jo.
Well, both, actually.

Look, it's--
[inhales] It's going pretty good.

I spent the night last night,
and let's just say, uh,

I did not get much sleep.

- She was crying?
- [smacks lips] Yeah.

Yeah, she's, uh--
she's a little raw with everything.

Um, oh, her husband d*ed, so...
[chuckles]

Also, I had to leave at, like, : a.m.
It's a super far--

The traffic on the --
Have you guys been on the ?

David, you know what?

I'm gonna print out another copy
of your packet for you to sign.

Hey, Carol.
Will you print one out for me too?

You bet.

Brad can use my old one as bedding
in his little mousy housey.

Running away, huh?
Doesn't sound like a very shark move.

You afraid to fight me?

I'm not scared of you, Brad.

I know about the pig.

What? Pig? There's no pig on the wheel.

Kate, the -H pig.

When it came time to slaughter her,
Brad got soft.

- A flickering moment of weakness.
- I'm not so sure about that.

Even during your time at [i]MQ,
you've shown your true nature.

You got David a date, and now
he's so deluded, he thinks he's a wolf.

Hey. The test only told us
what we were already thinking.

I did get David a date,
and he is deluded.

Was that weak? Or was it strategic?

Think of how malleable he'll be
when it all falls apart. Which it will.

Uh, no way.

She already took down three
photo collages of her late husband.

This wolf is in the den to stay.
[sighs]

You got Dana her job back
after she sh*t the bed as a streamer.

Yeah, as a favor to the baboon,
and now I own her.

- Are they talking about you?
- [chuckles] Different baboon.

But you never used her.

You helped out of the goodness
of your heart.

You really are a mouse.

Did you really save my job, Brad?

No, you stupid otter.

Okay, okay. You know what? We all just
gonna forget about the animals. Okay?

Throw out the animals.
No one is an animal.

No, Carol.
I can't forget about the animals.

See, here it says otters are "emotional,
agreeable, social and empathetic."

But I'm a serious person,
and I want people to take me seriously.

[chuckles] Okay,
as someone that knows Dana best--

What's her middle name?

What?

The other tester. Your girlfriend.
The one you know so much about.

What is her middle name?

Her middle name is

- Keesha.
- No.

- Okay.
- Wow.

Dude, whatever. Okay?

I know Dana, and she is way too
multifaceted and complex a person

- to be defined--
- I wanna be a wolf.

They all do, baby.

You wanna be like David?

No. I just think that
it describes me better. See, look.

- It says here "wolves are independent."
- Yep.

- "Hyper-focused."
- Like a laser.

- "Detailed-oriented."
- Nothing too small, baby.

"And have a healthy disrespect
for authority."

And there it is.
I'm a wolf from snout to rump.

Don't get these hackles up,
or you'll get the fangs.

Know what I mean?

- No.
- What the f*ck are you talking about?

My point is
I can't be an otter and a programmer.

- I thought you were a tester.
- For now.

But I'm thinking about applying

to the computer sciences program
at Berkeley.

Wait. You are? Why didn't you tell me?
Berkeley is, like, six hours away.

Ooh. Now that is a long way to travel
for a relationship. [chuckles]

Can we talk about this later?

I didn't mean
for it to come out like this.

Yeah. We can talk about it later.
No problem.

[inhales] I'll sign, Carol.

Whatever. One down, too many to go.

Let's keep this train moving.

All right, Carol.
I'm here. This better be good.

What? No. We're not adding people.

Wait. What is this?
Is this an intervention?

Yes, it is, because everyone is upset
that you have not taken the test.

They are?

- Not really, no.
- No.

- Nah.
- They are.

They're suppressing their feelings.
Trust me. I know my pride.

I think the reason
you didn't want to do it is because

you were afraid
that it would be revealed

that you were some sort
of megalomaniac narcissist.

What? That sounds like you.
I'm a great boss.

Tell him, Dana.

Uh, yeah.

She is.

Wow. Some hype man. Why are you here?

I don't wanna sign my packet.

Who cares what you want?
You work for me.

Do what I want.
Sign your packet and get out.

Okay.

I'll sign.

[marker scratching]

It's not on the packet,
but I will accept that.

Mm-hmm.
Sister girl done flipped the script.

- David.
- David.

- David.
- David.

Mmm, sorry.

Poppy, what a great mentor you are.

You should do a TED Talk
on yelling at subordinates.

- Oh, f*ck you.
- Carol,

I'd like to lodge a sexual harassment
complaint against Poppy.

She just said she wants to "F" me
in front of everybody.

I do not want to "F" you.

Oh, yeah?

Then why you dreaming about it?

Hey, Pop.

You know about that?

A lion knows everything about his pride.

Okay. Well, we established

that those dreams
are about power and dominance.

For the record, Carol, Poppy is dreaming
about my power and dominance.

- So is David.
- Yeah.

- Can't say I never have.
- It's an epidemic.

I'm leaving.

I'm not signing
until she takes the test.

Poppy, wait.

I cannot believe I'm adding
more people to this sh*t show,

but do you think
you could just take the test?

Then this can all be over.

You know what, Carol?

To prove that I am not
the ego monster that Ian is,

I will graciously take the test
to help out one of my employees.

But I don't work for you.

Do you want me to take the test or not?

- Here you go.
- How does it work?

You just answer each statement
with a rating from one to five.

One means strongly agree.
Five means strongly disagree.

Uh, hate to buck authority here...
[clicks tongue]

...but, uh, I think
you got those numbers switched.

I assure you that I do not.

Uh, I think you do, babe. [chuckles]

That's actually the opposite
that I did mine.

Huh.

David, is it possible
you took the test backwards?

Which means if you answered correctly,

your answer should've led you
to the exact opposite animal.

[wings flapping]

Signing! [clears throat] Signing now.

Here we go. Just click, click.

'Cause I'm a wolf.

And the wolf is out, baby. [howls]

Elevator's not here so just gotta wait.
Got to wait.

You know, I'm just gonna take
the stairs. Wolf's out baby. [howls]

[elevator bell dings]

Uh, well...

Might as well just take the elevator
because, uh, a lot of stairs.

Wolf out, baby. [howls]

Oh, sh*t. Is this going up?

There goes a butterfly in wolf's clothing.

Ian, if you're done with Poppy and
you need a new protégé, I'm available.

It'd be good to be back
with an actual apex predator.

Leaping from powerful man
to powerful man to prove you're a shark

just proves you're not a shark.

You're a remora.

You're just a bottom-feeder
along for the ride.

You'll never be a shark.

Then why did you bring me on?
Out of pity?

No, of course not. [exhales]

- That would be a nice thing to do.
- Then it was fear.

You saw something in me that scared you,
and so you needed to pull it close.

Dear Lord,
please don't start spinning again.

And you're right.
I did attach myself to you.

But I'm not a remora.

I'm a lamprey, and I've sucked you dry,
and there is nothing left to nourish me.

So I'm done with you.

Packet.

One thing about parasites,
they can't survive without a host.

Careful who you attach yourself to next.

Save it, mouse.
You're not even in my food chain.

Well, that was bizarre,
yet oddly thrilling.

They could've just handed 'em to me.

I'm right here.

Okay. Done!

Great. Carol, score her right now
so we can be done with this.

Yep.

Hmm.

[smacks lips, inhales]

You know, the results aren't
as important as the process.

- So I think you should--
- What did she get? What did she get?

[whimpers]

Lion? She got lion too?

[Poppy chuckles] Sounds right to me.

No, that doesn't make any sense.

There can't be two alpha lions
in the same pride.

But you made me co-creative director.

You made me a lion.

The point is now you know.

So you gotta sign your packet.
[chuckles]

I'm not signing sh*t. I don't know
what she is, but she's not a lion.

Well, I'm not signing anything
until he admits that I am a lion!

She probably lied on the test.
That's what happened. She lied.

Well, he probably lied too.
Give me his test!

[grunts] Give it! Give it!

[groans] I may die here.

Okay. Okay. What about this one?

"I value authenticity over vanity."
You wrote "strongly agree."

- Yes.
- Ian, that shirt is so tight

that I can authentically see
your nipples through it.

Why are you looking at my nipples?

It's hard not to!
You're kind of asking for it.

That's victim-blaming.
You can't blame me.

You are a victim of nothing!

Okay, all right. What about this one?

"I am held back by my fears."

You wrote "somewhat disagree."

You wrote "strongly disagree."
That's a lie.

You have heaps of fears
that hold you back.

- Like what?
- You're afraid of being vulnerable.

Vulnerable?
I am not afraid to be vulnerable.

You're the one
that's afraid to be vulnerable.

Back me up on this, Carol.
You're the negotiator.

No, I'm not. If anything, I'm a hostage.

But if it'll help move
this process along,

maybe you should both just admit
your greatest fears

to prove that
you are not afraid to be vulnerable.

Okay, fine.

I fear working too hard
to make this game great

and dying of a heart att*ck in my prime.

- Oh, please.
- [scoffs] Ian, come on!

Stop with the self-aggrandizing
bullshit.

Could you just dig deep
and tell this woman your fear

so we can get outta here?

Okay.

Maybe... [clears throat]

...I'm afraid

that MQ is my only good idea.

And maybe I'm afraid
that Poppy is the younger...

smarter lion.

Whoa. I wasn't expecting
to hear all that.

Okay. It's your turn, Poppy.

Singing.

- What?
- I'm afraid of singing in public.

What the f*ck is that?
I just told you something honest.

You're honest with me
for the first time ever,

and you want a reward?

No. I'm not asking for a reward.

I'm just asking you to be honest back.

Well, it is what it is.

Damn. Ian went there,
and you just hung him out to dry.

I guess that makes him
the real lion here.

Oh, my God! Who cares?

I don't even have to do
this stupid test!

But fine. Fine.
You're the only lion, Ian.

You're in charge.
Is that what you need to hear?

You're the boss! Are you happy?
Are you happy now?

Not really.

[pen scratches]

[laughs] You know who is happy? Me!

Because I get to go home! Yes!

[sighs] My God, I need to self-soothe.

I'm gonna pour myself
the biggest drink, honey.

[elevator bell dings]

Oh, my God. Why are you still here?

I got stuck in the basement
'cause I didn't have my key card,

and I was trying to get back up, but--

- I was howling for help.
- No. Nope. I'm taking the stairs.

Hold on. Let me get--
Wait, uh, Carol. Hold on.

This thing's not working. Carol! [howls]

I'd be lyin'

if I said it wasn't
a little awkward in here. [chuckles]

Look, I'm sorry.

I just-- I got a little mad
when you said that I wasn't a lion.

The-- The truth is that

I've been having some trouble
with my expansion, and...

I miss having you around.

You know,
you believe in me in a way that--

that no one ever has, and...

I-I could use some of that right now.

I don't believe in you.

And you will fail without me.

And the best part of it is

you know it too.

[folk music plays]