01x01 - True Crime

[bunniefuu]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[POLICE SIREN, INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

- [DOOR BANGS OPEN]
- OFFICER : Go, go, go!

- [INDISTINCT MUTTERING]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]

- OFFICER : Doors closed!
- OFFICER : Stay inside!

[DOORS SLAMMING]

BOTH: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

- MAN : Oh my God, oh my God...
- MAN : Help me, someone!

MAN : We gotta get her!
I'm not leaving her here!

- Oh, and I would?
- Of course you would!

Of course I would!

- It's not what you think.
- [SIRENS WAILING]

[MANHATTAN BY JAN & DEAN]

♪ We'll have Manhattan ♪

♪ The Bronx and Staten Island, too ♪

MAN : Here's a thing I don't get.

People who worry about
living in a big city

because of all the crime.

As any true crime
aficionado will tell you,

it's the boondocks you
need to worry about.

I mean, let's face it. Nobody
ever discovered bodies buried

in the backyard of a
-story apartment building.

There's eyes on you
all over the place here.

And New Yorkers have a
special way of communicating.

And by special, I mean direct.

We're packed in tight and
stacked on top of each other

like those of us who live...

at the Arconia.

Hey, hold up. Wait, are you...

- I'm Brazzos.
- [LAUGHS] FAN: Oh sh*t, dude!

I used to watch that show with my dad

when I was a kid! That was his favorite!

Wait, what was that
thing you always said?

This sends the investigation
into a whole new direction.

FAN: That's it, man! That's it!

Oh sh*t! So cool.

Dad's got ALS now.

He can't really talk or...

- feed himself anymore.
- I'm sorry.

He's in hospice, but...

he just won't let go, you know?

And, honestly, it'd be, like,
better for my whole family if...

if he would.

- You want a photo?
- FAN: Yes! Of course!

Yes! That'd be awesome. Thanks, man!

Actually, could you do it landscape?

- Turn it sideways.
- FAN: Better if you turn it there. Yeah.

- That's good, that's good. Yep.
- [SHUTTER SNAPS]

You tell your dad
Brazzos took that picture.

I will, I will, but he
won't understand, you know?

Not anymore.

- Bye.
- FAN: Thanks, man. Thanks a lot.

♪ Did a full ♪

WOMAN: New York can be a f*cking lot.

- All the eyes on you all the time.
- [STREET CHATTER, BIKE BELL RINGS]

Hey, baby. Where you going so tough?

WOMAN: Two thousand women
report assaults here every year,

so it's a place that
makes you binge Dateline

to find out how not
to end up on Dateline.

I have this recurring dream.

I'm in bed, I wake up,

and there's a man standing over me.

So, I kick him right in the nuts,
and I grab my knitting needle...

- [SLICE, STABBING, GRUNTING]
- ... and I take him down

to the bone with that thing.

Sometimes, when I can't sleep,

I imagine brutally murdering that dude.

And I'm out like a
light. Works every time.

As I said, it's a lot. Don't
be here if you don't like a lot.

♪ Hey, hobo man, hey, Dapper Dan ♪

MAN : "NYC. What is it about you?"

Which, of course, is a line from
a big hit show about an orphan.

And don't we all feel
like orphans here at times,

struggling to find our place?

I saw this brilliant dance piece
on the worldwide web recently,

set to Clair de Lune.

[CLAIR DE LUNE PLAYING]

A simple premise of
a man trying to reach

the top of a staircase and falling,

but always trying to find some new way

to bounce back up again.

And I thought, isn't that each of us,

every day in this big burg?

That's life in New...

- [TIRES SCREECH, HONKING]
- Really?!

Do you not see this coat!?

- [DRIVER SHOUTING] What are you doing?
- Still, one thing is certain in this town.

Just when it's all
starting to feel the same,

that's when you get hit by something

you never saw coming.

[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]

[CHURCH BELLS RINGING]

[STREET NOISE, CHATTER]

- Hey, Lester.
- [DOOR SHUTS]

[AS CARY GRANT]: Oh, Ursula, my darling.

- Anything for me?
- Yep. Save me a trip.

Oh. Yeah, this is all research
for shows I'm developing.

Some off-, some off-off, you know?

Stay out of the theater if you
want a life, Ursula. Trust me.

Hold it!

Ah! Oh! Sorry. Thanks.

I just... Ooh!

Ah! Got it. [LAUGHS]

Sorry, I'm just, uh, I-I have

- an important thing a little bit later...
- Yeah, me, too.

Oh, hello.

- Filming something today?
- I'm sorry?

All the makeup, I just assumed.

I'm not wearing makeup.

Oh. Okay.

Me neither. [LAUGHS]

[DOORS SHUT, ELEVATOR WHIRRING]
- [SIGHS]

Is it : yet, do you know?

- No.
- No.

[DING]

Tim Kono.

With a K. Yes.

[DOORS SHUT, WHIRRING]

Do you see anything you
got in today's packages?

Okay. I don't know why
this keeps happening.

Well, this one is very important to me.

- How early tomorrow?
- [DING]

[DOORS OPEN]

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [DOORS SHUT, ELEVATOR WHIRRING]

Do you like your Beats?

I had a yellow pair. I
just loved them so much.

And then, like an idiot,

I leave them on the subway.

The thing is, when you lose
something on the subway,

- you... you don't know...
- MAN : Ding!

[MEOW]

Even the elevator
wanted that story to end.

Come on, Winnie.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

Winnie. No.

[PAPER BAG CRINKLING]

[DISTANT SIRENS, STREET NOISE]

[TEXT CHIMES]

[FLAME ROARS] Okay.

- [HUMMING]
- [KEYS CLICKING]

[PODCAST THEME PLAYING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

NARRATOR [ON PODCAST]: You're
listening to All Is Not OK In Oklahoma,

from Cinda Canning.

Funding is provided by our sponsors,

The Rand Corporation, the Milton
and Miriam Swann Foundation

for the Arts and for
Dissolving the Federal Reserve,

and Trader Joe's.

With additional support
from Royal Crown Cruises,

the Royal Crown Prince of Dubai,

and listeners like you.

And now, here's Cinda Canning

with episode six of All
Is Not OK In Oklahoma.

- [ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]
- [INSECTS CHIRPING]

CINDA CANNING [ON PODCAST]: When
Ray Butler walked me into the woods

behind his barn that night in Chickasha

- [DOG BARKING]
- I wasn't expecting to find anything

related to the disappearance
of his niece, Becky.

♪

I was thinking more about
Ray's unorthodox clothing choice

for farm living.

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

But that all changed
because of what was going on

next to the riverbed,

where Ray's old Lab, Bo,

- [BARKING]
- was digging at something in the dirt.

[SNORTING]

Once he got his dug-up prize,

Bo ran proudly to me with
it dangling in his mouth.

It took a moment to absorb what it was,

but then, it became all too clear.

- Bo had found...
- [BO WHINING]

[FIRE ALARM BLARING]

sh*t!

- [SIGHS]
- My gah... No.

[ALARM CONTINUES]

- [BARKS]
- Yeah! That's good.

[ALARM GETS LOUDER]

[RESIDENTS CHATTERING]

♪

[INDISTINCT STREET CHATTER]

- Lester, is this real?
- I don't know. We're finding out.

CANNING [ON PODCAST]: Even
in a steady Oklahoma rain,

- I was transfixed...
- [RESTAURANT NOISE]

Well, look who got the
last booth! [CHUCKLES]

CANNING: But all that changed

because of what was going
on next to the riverbed.

Listen, if I've ever offended you

during any of the many times
you've auditioned for me,

- then...
- I've never auditioned for you.

Oh, you're not Scott Bakula?

I am not.

Oh! You're the other one. Got it.

Well, listen, I-I won't say a word,

but my, uh, favorite podcast just
dropped a new episode tonight, and...

♪

What does Bo have in his mouth?

I don't know!

[PODCAST MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh...

Exc... [SIGHS]

- Do you know if there's any available?
- I'm sorry. We're totally booked...

Hey! Come over!

Thank you.

Yeah!

Sit down! Half the building's in here.

I'm Oliver, by the way. Oliver Putnam.

Charles. Charles-Haden Savage.

Hey. I'm Mabel.

[LAUGHS] No, really. What is... Oh.

A great old school name.

Get out.

What the f*ck is in Bo's mouth?

BOTH: Becky's panties!

- It is not Ray. Too obvious.
- Exactly.

Absolutely. Listen, I'm just relieved

that something of Becky
Butler showed up somewhere.

I almost forgot who went missing.

MABEL: They took too long with it.

That whole thing:
Student Council president,

"she had a smile that would
light up a room," blah blah blah.

OLIVER: Yeah, yeah. Listen, I am
all for a good peeling of the onion,

but let's pace it up, people. Please.

♪

To that point...

who are you, you fascinating creature?

I mean, we got our places years
ago when the Arconia was affordable,

but you? Do your parents
have a place there...

Good God! You don't have
to answer that, Mabel.

I mean... I mean unless you
want to because I'm also curious.

- How do I know you?
- Oh, Charles was in

an old TV series, many, many years ago.

- What was it called? Uh, Bozos.
- Brazzos.

Oh... Okay.

As for me, uh,

directing is my day job.
[LAUGHS] I'm sure you're aware.

But, uh, my grandchildren...

they're my passion.

I just wish I had more
time to spend with them.

That's really all we want, isn't it?

More time with the people we love.

I literally pass him in the elevator
once a month, just so you know.

OLIVER: Anyway,

those are our proverbial onions.

Raw and peeled. And yours?

Care to peel for us?

I do not.

- Can I?
- BOTH: Absolutely not.

No, no. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

- OLIVER: Hi, baby.
- [BARKS]

MABEL: Oh! That's a real dog.

OLIVER: Yeah, yeah.

♪

[SIREN, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Look at this.

- CHARLES: Lester, what the hell?
- Found someone dead.

- [GASPS]
- What?

Sounds like they offed themselves.

- You're kidding me.
- LESTER: Ninth floor.

Can't let anyone in.

- We can't go to our apartments?
- No, sir. Sorry.

♪

- Did he say the ninth floor?
- Yeah.

I could get us to the freight elevator,

just to take a peek.

Just to see what's happening.

Okay. But, we should take it to eight.

Why?

They'll have cops posted on nine.

Ooh, you're good.

♪

Tell the captain this is a su1c1de.

All right, guys, I need you
to canvass around the building.

♪

[WHIMPERS]

OLIVER: It's that guy from the elevator!

- Oh my God. Oh my God. It's that guy!
- [DOOR SHUTS]

- It's that guy...
- His... His head was...

I've seen TV dead bodies.
That was... Have you ever...

- He sh*t himself!
- No, he didn't.

We saw him, what, like an hour ago?

Did he seem like he was gonna
go do something like that?

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [RADIO CHATTER]

- Oh!
- Are you associated with the deceased?

- No, no. We don't know him.
- We're neighbors in the building.

We live in the building.

- Mm-hmm. So, you don't know him?
- Just in passing.

- Not his passing.
- No, yes.

When we pass by him.

Before he passed.

That's right. Um, but are y... are you,

uh, sure that it was su1c1de?

It doesn't make sense.

I mean, even in passing,
he didn't seem the type.

- So, you don't know him.
- CHARLES: [SIGHS] Look,

you're probably just
starting your investigation,

- looking into all the forensics...
- Goddammit.

What f*ckin' podcast are
you all hooked on? Huh?

I swear to God, if I meet

one more true crime nut...

This is su1c1de. It's textbook.

Residue powder on the hands,
evidence of financial stress.

We even found a note on his
laptop saying he's outta here,

which is exactly where
you all need to be.

- What if...
-
Nuh-uh, it's not.

- B-b-but, y-y-you...
- No, no, no, no, no. It's not.

So, go on ahead and enjoy
your cute little lives,

and be glad that you still have one.

You g*dd*mn true crime
f*ckin' numb-nuts.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[OPENS DRAWER]

♪

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

The m*therf*cking garbage bag!

Why would he get on
the elevator with that?

There's a chute on every
floor. What was in there?

[ELEVATOR DINGS, DOORS OPEN]

We all have the same thought?

BOTH: The garbage bag!

Ah. Different thought.

We should do our own podcast.

I'm sure that every true crime
podcaster wishes that he was on the case

right from the start.

And here we are, w...

You know what? I should be
recording this right now.

Well right now, the only
thing that matters is that

there's a k*ller on the
loose if we're right,

and he could be living
somewhere in our building.

Oh, that is a very good line.

Badly delivered, but a good
line. So, do it again for me,

and this is what I need. I
want you to really hit k*ller.

You know? Just k*ller.

There's a k*ller loose somewhere...

- No need to scream.
- That's too hard.

You know what I need you to do?

- Really punch somewhere.
- There's a...

- Gimme an action.
- Action.

k*ller on the loose somewhere.

Okay, do it again, but slower,

and with, you know,

like a human...

"If there's anyone left to care,

there is nothing for me anymore."

[PAPERS CRINKLING]

OLIVER: Is that...

MABEL: "I'm just tired
of feeling lonely.

I don't want to be lonely anymore."

This is his. There's
mail in here to Tim Kono.

And other notes!

Attempts to get his last words right?

Looks like we have our answer.

So, that's it? We're done?

No podcast.

Back to Oklahoma.

♪

[STREET NOISE]

I read the script. My
character has no lines,

not one.

Wait, they want someone
who looks like Brazzos,

and they want me to audition for this?

[WRAPPING PAPER CRINKLING]

WOMAN [MUFFLED]: Well,
I'm not that late.

Can we get the four-top by the window?

I'll get the Caesar with the
balsamic and the double croutons.

You need to ask for a bigger table.

I have my grocery cart.

- Tell them it's Bunny. They know me.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]

I'm not always in here.

I was just coming up to get you.

I've got an audition. Wait a minute.

- Is this about...
- [WHISPERS] Yes.

In or out, soft lips.
I got places to be.

f*ck 'em. I'm offer only.

Okay, so I know what
we found last night,

but I also know me, and I
can't stop thinking about this.

- Neither can I.
- A week ago, I saw Tim,

- the dead guy, at Bunny's apartment.
- Ooh, she's head of the board.

Okay, so he was asking
her about a package

of his that she got by mistake.

That makes sense. They're on the
A-line. I get mis-delivered packages

on the C-line all the time.

Do you remember him on
the elevator saying...

Okay. I don't know why
this keeps happening.

And it was important,
and he couldn't get it...

Well, how early tomorrow?

Bunny's got the package.

- I have a way in.
- [KEYS JINGLING, UNLOCKS DOOR]

♪

- [DOOR SHUTS]
- What the... Who are you?

- I'm remodeling.
- This is a major...

How-how many rooms are in this?

You're living here in the
middle of a renovation?

Shh! Please focus.

Look, there it is.

A direct route into Bunny's.

We just need to take off the grate.

No, no, no.

Have you forgotten?

♪

I'm Brazzos.

[KNOCKING]

[SIGHS]

Hey, Will! Surprise!

- Grandpa's here!
- Dad, it's...

it's Sunday. Mom's got the
kids. They're at the zoo.

Oh. Right.

Well then, I-I'll just
leave these for them.

New deck looks fantastic, Will.

WILL: Yeah, the kids live out there.

Yeah, I'm sorry I missed them.

[SIGHS] But this is... this is a...

good. You and I get a little...

Jersey hang time.

Jersey hang time?

[SCOFFS] So, what's up?

Do you have any milk?

Brazzos was the son of a locksmith,

so the crew gave me these jimmy
keys as a wrap gift, season .

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

I watched a few of those. Brazzos.

I like the early ' s stuff.

Sometimes, you get to see Hammer pants.

[KEYS JINGLING]

You were good. You're a good actor.

- Have you done any other shows?
- Uh, I did a few pilots,

but they didn't move forward.
I don't think I test well.

- Hm. I can see that.
- Yeah, thank you. Wait, what?

That's Bunny's.

WILL: So, how's work?

Good. It's fine.

You know, th-th-there's
some stuff out there.

- WILL: Yeah?
- Yeah.

Did you, uh, get your next project?

Well, I
-I thought I
had something, but, uh...

it just went away. [SOFT LAUGH]

So...

Will, I'm gonna need to, um...

Oh no...

- God...
- You know, I... I... I really did not

want this to become

a regular thing, but I am strapped.

- Dad...
- Honey, I am so...

- close on a few things.
- Yeah, that's what you said last time.

- How long have you lived here?
- Twenty-eight years.

But not always by yourself.

- You've been alone for years?
- Shh...

Alone isn't so bad. I like alone.

Give me that smaller pick.

My father was a Charles.
I... I'm a Junior.

It was the most consistent
refrain of my childhood

was how much I was like him.

And I really was.

We were both right-handed, but we
used scissors with our left hand.

We could both pick up just about
any instrument and play it by ear.

But give us...

basic algebra? Forget about it.

He turned gray at ,

white at , and, hm?

People like my father.

They meant it as a compliment...

when they said I was like him, but...

he was awful to my mother. Awful.

He tried to make her feel...

small. He seemed to get...

pleasure out of it,

making her feel silly.

Making her feel unsure of herself.

- [CLICKING]
- So, at a certain point...

I thought, well,

we use scissors the same way,

and we can play any
instrument the same way.

Odds are...

Alone isn't so bad.

OLIVER: Obviously, it's...

mortifying...

coming to you like this. I'm...

revolted at myself.

But, I...

I can't get any work, you know?

I mean, this is... it's been years now.

And so, I just...

I need a little help from someone...

You have to sell the apartment.

- I can't do that.
- Dad,

you cannot keep living like this.

It's all I have. It's who I am.

Yeah, well, obviously, it
makes me very sad to hear that.

♪

I'm sorry.

Really, I'm so sorry.

For so many things.

But, it is just a rough
patch, honey, and I just...

WILL: Stop, stop, stop, stop.

I can't. Not again.

Well, I...

I... I certainly appreciate, um...

you know, everything that you have done,

and... and... and don't
worry. This is just a...

it's a rocky moment,

- that's all. I'll be fine.
- Dad. Stay for Sunday dinner.

No, no, no. I re... I do
actually have to get back.

I do. So, you know...

gotta dig in. Nose to
the grindstone, right?

Can I have my coat? Please?

It's my aunt's apartment.

She asked me to redo it for her.

You can see how well that's going.

It's the first time I've
been alone in, like...

ever.

I tend to make packs wherever I go.

When I was a kid, I
had my Hardy Boys pack.

That's too old a reference for you.

We were being old school
calling ourselves that.

Anyway, me and my Hardy Boys...

Well, there were four of us, and
two were actual boys, by the way.

We would get into
solving mysteries around

the complex that we all lived in.

So, this stuff is not new to you.

I mean, those were made-up mysteries.

At least, most were.

And your Hardy Boys, where are they now?

♪

Maybe you're right.

Maybe going at it alone is better.

Any luck with that?

- Oh, I've been in for a while.
- [OPENS DOOR]

Yes! Good job, Brazzos.

[DOOR CREAKING]

All right. This is an
A-line three bedroom.

You take the living, dining, spare.

I'll take the kitchen and
the bedrooms on the side.

Now, Bunny probably keeps
her packages in a hutch

- or a sideboard.
- Brazzos, look at your hand.

CHARLES: We have our first clue.

And we stole it from
a neighbor to get it!

MABEL: Yeah. I know. I was there.

You should open it.

I can't tell if I want
it to be nothing or...

for it to be something.

♪

What is it?

What kinda guy kills himself

an hour after being
desperate to get his hands...

on this?

[TEXT CHIMES]

[TEXT CHIMES]

[CLAIR DE LUNE PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[CLAIR DE LUNE CONTINUES]

♪

[INAUDIBLE]

[CLAIR DE LUNE CONTINUES]

[INAUDIBLE]

Here's a thing I don't get.

People who worry about
living in the big city

because of all the crime.

As any true crime
aficionado will tell you,

it's the boondocks you
need to worry about.

Nailed it.

I don't know. It... it... it's so PBSy.

Like a Ken Burns documentary
in the history of boredom.

- Maybe Mabel should give it a try.
- I'd rather die.

And now, he's giving away my part.

So tomorrow, we lay out a timeline.

I have maps and I have full blueprints

of each floor of the Arconia.

Oh. You fancy.

Hey, did you guys hear
about that mysterious death

in the park last night?

We could multitask a little bit.

Silo out a second investigation,

- do a second podcast.
- CHARLES: No.

We need to focus. Only
murders in the building.

"Only murders in the building."

CHARLES: Welcome to...

Only Murders In The Building.

A true crime podcast.

I'm your host,

Charles-Haden Savage.

- For right now.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]

♪

Hey. How's it going?

Oh, good. All good. You?

Good.

You know, sometimes I can
smell that omelet you make.

Oh! Sorry. Next time,
I'll turn the fan on.

No. I like it.

Reminds me of Lucy.

It was her favorite, right?

Have you heard from her?

Here... Uh, here and there.

Well, tell her hi for me next time.

CHARLES: A great true
crime mystery unpeels itself

- like an onion.
- [DOOR SHUTS]

OLIVER: First the crime,
then the characters,

and then their secrets.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

MABEL: The secrets are the fun part.

Who is telling the truth?

Who is lying?

What are they hiding?

CHARLES: Because, let's be honest.

Sometimes it's easier to
figure out someone else's secret

than it is to deal with your own.

[MABEL VOCALIZING]

♪

♪ There's a life worth living ♪

♪ And it's interesting ♪

♪ There's a calm that's real somewhere ♪

♪ There's a jungle stream ♪

♪ And a band that's playing ♪

♪ There's a tune worth whistling to ♪

♪ Don't be scared ♪

♪ You can't sit ♪

♪ If you don't believe it ♪

♪ It's not the kind
of thing you can see ♪

♪ It won't help you out ♪

♪ If you forget 'cause
it's not the kind of thing ♪

♪ You can remember ♪

♪ Don't be scared ♪