01x05 - Twist

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Only Murders in the Building". Aired: August 31, 2021 - present.*
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Three strangers share an obsession with true crime and suddenly find themselves wrapped up in one.
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01x05 - Twist

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CHARLES: A great true crime mystery
unpeels itself like an onion.

MABEL: What the f*ck is "G. M."?

CHARLES: I am looking for a guy

I saw going up the stairs

in a tie-dyed hoodie
the night Tim d*ed.

- Enough with Tie-Dye Guy!
- We cannot forget about Tie-Dye Guy!

So, Dad, I listened to your podcast.

You didn't tell me you were
doing it with Mabel Mora.

- Why? You know her?
- She used to stay here.

She hung out with this group of
kids, and one of them was Tim Kono.

You can't disappear for years,
then show up and start dragging up

a bunch of sh*t from when we were kids!

- I saw someone fighting with her.
- You saw Oscar?

No. Someone else.

You know what happened that night.
You didn't even say anything.

OLIVER: Just when it's all
starting to feel the same,

that's when you get hit by something

you never saw coming.



MAN: Value. Worth.

The price of life.

[STREET NOISE]

What's the easiest way to know
how you fit into the equation?

Come to New York.

sh*t just plain costs more in the city.

Subway fare is $ . .

The inflation of Hot Cheetos?

cents in the Bronx,

nearly four freaking dollars in Tribeca.

Those joints?

Overpriced as f*ck.

Not like that coat though.

That... is priceless.

It's special. Just like her.



[STREET NOISE CONTINUES]

I will take you down
to the bone, m*therf*cker!

Twist! Big, big twist!

We have an unexpected turn of events,

thanks to my son Will.

Mabel knew Tim Kono and lied about it,

which probably means that
Mabel k*lled Tim Kono.

And now, we're wondering
was he the first

or the latest in her wild spree?

Yeah, because she
totally fits the profile.

Female, late s, wears cool
boots, reads the Hardy Boys.

When I see that on a resume,
I'm thinking m*rder*r...

No real job, few attachments,
and lives alone!

In an empty apartment that
probably has a drain in the floor!

[BEEP] Oh, that was
some good back and forth.

- Listeners love conflict.
- [DING, DOORS OPEN]

- You're a simpleton.
- Damn it! I didn't get that.

Can you call me a simpleton again?

- You're a simpleton!
- Oh, thank you!



Oh, my God. Oscar?

Damn, bella!

[LAUGHS] I'm so sorry!

You got out!

I can't believe you're
standing right here.

Yeah, right? Me, too.

Wait, so did you just get out?
I went by your dad's,

and he basically told me to f*ck off.

Yeah, sh*t. No, I got out last week.

You knew that I was waiting here,
and you get out

after years and you don't call me?

You just follow me down the
street like some f*ckin' creeper?

Look, I had a whole plan.

Can we just go chill? Where you headed?

- Jersey.
- Well then, I'm going to Jersey.

I'll drive you.

[DISTANT SIREN]

Oh! You don't have to drive, though.

Yes, I do have to.

I've been waiting a long time for this.

For this.

Me, too.

- Now, come on, you creeper.
- Ah...



Lester said he saw her head west.

Can you just calm down
and think a minute?

This is all a misunderstanding...

Haven't I been telling you
there's something off with Mabel?

She's got those crazy k*ller eyes,
like Liza at : in the morning.

Please don't tell that story again.

She and Jessica Lange came to
me after an evening at Studio ,

- and I had had a few cocktails.
- And I had had a few cocktails! Stop!

Mabel is a sweet young woman who
promised not to keep secrets from us.

I've been meaning to
ask. Is this your hat?

- My hat! I thought I'd lost it...
- Oh my God, there she is!

What?

CHARLES: [WHISPERS] Oh! Tie-Dye Guy.

- It's Tie-Dye Guy!
- Okay, w-w-we gotta follow them.

I'm gonna get my car. You stay on them.

Alright, I'll wait...

- Wait! You have a car?
- Go after them on foot,

and then call me when you know
where they are, and

- then I'll swing by and pick you up!
- Okay! I'll wai...

You pay for parking here?!

[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]

- This is bad! They're getting away!
- OLIVER [ON PHONE]: You on them?

I'm on them, but I can't outrun a Camry!

OLIVER: Stay on them!

Oh God, I hope they don't see me.

Oh jeez...

- So, where we going?
- MABEL: It's in Teaneck, so...

GW Bridge.

[TRAFFIC NOISE, HONKING]

[SIGHS]

Welcome to New York.

Thank you, ma'am!

Oliver, I ca... I can't
hear you! Are you there?

OLIVER [ON PHONE]: Yeah, I might
cut out a little bit, but stay on!

Oh! Oh, thank God.

They're stuck in traffic. [HONKING]

Where are you? I'll take one.

OLIVER: Wait, are you at
that pretzel cart? I want one.

- Read out the toppings!
- What? What toppings?

There's mustard and salt.

OLIVER: Yeah, but you know,
sometimes there's honey mustard.

Is it Dante? Tell him
Oliver wants his usual!

- Are you Dante?
- Yep.

- Oliver wants his usual.
- Mm-hmm.

OLIVER: I'm coming around!

- Are you still on th?
- Yeah, uh, traffic's moving!

Where are you?

OLIVER: Turn around!

[OLD, SQUEAKY HORN]

[CREAKING]

- Very inconspicuous!
- [DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

We blend in by standing out.

- What are you doing?
- No, no, no. You drive because...

[BOTH GRUNT]

I gotta record, and also

my driver's license
expired years ago.

- Keep your eyes on that Camry!
- [SHUTS DOOR]



[CREAKING, RATTLING]

What are you doing with this car?

This is Aphrodite. I got
her in LA when I was filming

Singin' In The Rain for VH .

Oh! Look, in the ashtray.
It's a jelly bean from .

Maybe it's a Mexican diet pill.

Oh, no. It's a fen-phen!

Mm! Mm. Know what? I don't need this.

Left! They're turning left.

[CREAKING, TIRES SQUEALING]

So if you've been out for a
week, what have you been doing?

I had some decent food.

Got a haircut.

Went to the bathroom without
somebody looking at me.

That was fun.

Did you hear about Tim?

Yeah. My first night
out, he offs himself?

My first time stepping
back in that building?

Wait, you were there that...

Oh my God, you're Tie-Dye Guy!

Yeah! I'm trying to be.

Figured I'd get some
new drip when I got out.

I think she's in trouble.

That's the guy I saw
going up the stairs that night.

I know! Tie-Dye!

He and Mabel were probably
in on this from the start.

And you noticed when
you brought up his name,

she got very quiet and had
us looking at other suspects.

Actually, it was you who did that.

You've gotta stop
thinking the worst of her.

And you need to start.

She lied to us, Charles,
or did you miss that fact?

She also helped us investigate.
Why would she do that?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe to
throw us off the scent of herself.

It's a classic true crime
podcast move. Right out of

- Daddy's Little Helper.
- Daddy's Little Helper.

Exactly. That's right. The forlorn son
helps with the case,

- until all evidence points to him.
- Yeah.

That podcast stunk, by the way.

They gave away everything in the title.

I mean, I wonder who did
it? Daddy's little helper?

Don't you hear yourself?

You're thinking like the patsy,
the sucker. Not the detective.

[CAR CREAKING]

Charles, buddy, just...

Please, just drop what you're feeling,

and think only about what you know.

We can't forget about Tie-Dye Guy.

Charles, we can't just suspect someone

because they're wearing a
hoodie. It's like a huge no.

I'm not doing that.
Well, I am doing that,

but not like that.

Okay, fine. I'm just
saying... Tie-Dye Guy.

Enough with the Tie-Dye Guy.

It's just a waste of time.

[CAR RATTLING]

- What?
- MABEL: Nothing.

It just feels like I'm sitting
next to your older brother.

You know, you were actually
the first person

I wanted to see after my dad.

That's why I was heading up the stairs

the night everything went crazy.

In case you were wondering.

[ALARM BLARING, GETTING LOUDER]

- [DOOR SHUTS]
- [BLARING LOUDLY]

[ALARM BLARING]

I was heading up to see
you at your aunt's place.



It's weird that we didn't
pass each other in the stairwell.

Maybe we did.

You did miss me sneaking
up on you this morning.

[LAUGHS] I didn't miss sh*t.

Besides, I've always wanted
to k*ll someone with my knitting needle.

I saw you once with those
guys that look like retired cops.

Was one of them that Brazzos guy?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

He kinda still thinks he's on that show.

Okay, I'm gonna call her.

When she's screaming
bloody m*rder, you'll see.

- [OLIVER SIGHS]
- Call Mabel Mora.

- [SIRI BEEPS]
- [VOICEMAIL BEEPS]

MABEL [ON VOICEMAIL]: Hey, it's
Mabel. Leave a message at the tone.

See that? If she's so
safe, why didn't she pick up?

Oh, trust me. She's too busy
planning her next m*rder with Clyde.

Let's hope it's not one of us.

Hey! Found something.

An article from the Post years ago

- about what Will told us.
- And?

A girl named Zoe Cassidy was
pushed off the roof of the Arconia.

Police arrested a resident.

- I kinda remember some of this.
- I don't.

- When did this happen?
- .

How does this not sound
even vaguely familiar to you?

... That was my Prednisone year.

I got really bloated, and
it played with my memory.

OLIVER: Search
"Charles-Haden Savage fat."

Ooh! [LAUGHS] Look at the ass on papa.

- Oh...
- Jesus, you're huge.

Looks like you're wearing a turtleneck.

Oh no, don't worry.
It-it's just warming up.

I don't think Aphrodite's
ever been driven in the winter.



[CAR SQUEAKING, TIRES SQUEALING]

CHARLES: You know what?
I'm gonna try Mabel again.

[LINE RINGING]

MABEL: Oh, God.

[CLEARS THROAT] Hey!

Ooh!

- Hey. Mabel! Hi! It's Charles.
- [WHISPERS] Play it cool.

I -I was worried about you
after that last dead end.

Do you wanna get together?

- For coffee.
- For tea?

Yeah, no, no, no.
I-I'm good. I'm just, uh,

chilling at Washington
Square Park, so...

Yeah, thanks for calling, and I'll just

- talk to you later.
- [OSCAR SCOFFING]

You're lying to your
boyfriend 'cause you feel like

even the way you're thinking
about me is cheating?

I don't have a boyfriend.

Like Cassandra and
Lady Macbeth rolled into one!

No, she can't say anything.

So, "just chilling," is code for,
"help, I've been taken hostage."

[CAR SQUEAKING]

It's tough...

to believe that she could be...

this duplicitous, I know.

Tougher because you're
a closed-off person,

and Mabel made you...

open up and trust people
for the first time.



So now, the thought that she
might not be who she seems

has you questioning it all.

Okay, I gotta try that again.

- That was very fake sounding.
- You fucker!

- [TRUCK HORN HONKS]
- [TRAFFIC NOISE]

So, G. M., Shore Road.

You sure Tim was going
to a jewelry shop?

It's this whole Hardy Boys
thing I cracked.

Oh. You cracked it.

Cool.

Or... could it have something
to do with something else?

[SIGHS]

Okay, so we all got the same tattoo.

And?

- Who gave them to us?
- My cousin Tavo.

And what's your cousin
Tavo's government name?

Gustavo Mora.

G. M.? With a tattoo
shop on Shore Road?

f*ck me! How did I miss that?

W... You-you have to take this exit.

- We have to go to Bayport.
- [TIRES SQUEAL]

Hold on!

[CAR SQUEAKING, SQUEALING]



Long Island. My first time
out of Manhattan in five years,

and we're going to Long Island.

- Don't you go to the Hamptons?
- CHARLES: Never.

I got a sister in Patchogue.

She has four daughters,
all with D names.

[LONG ISLAND ACCENT] Dawn,
Danielle, Dina, and Dagmar.

The five of them are always trying
to set me up with a hairdresser.

Well, I have to admit I have certainly

had my share of Long Island shenanigans.

[CHUCKLING] I re... I remember one time,

uh, I'd had a few cocktails,

and, uh, on a dare, I rode an elephant

and then threw up in a pool
at a wedding in Syosset.

I once sh*t an episode
of Brazzos in Hempstead.

It doubled for Bosnia.

I once got syphilis in South Setauket.

And I got crabs in Massapequa.

[LAUGHS] Ooh, I got
the clap in Amagansett.

And I got saggy-bottom
balls in Sag Harbor.

[LAUGHS]

♪ Saggy Bottom Balls
is what she called me ♪

♪ Boom boom boom boom ♪

♪ She had a way with the names ♪

♪ Boom boom boom boom ♪

♪ Saggy bottom balls in Sag H... ♪

Oh! Exiting! Look, they're exiting.

Oh, yeah. Good eye.

♪ Boom boom boom boom, Saggy
Bottom Balls is what she called me ♪

Okay, now I'm gonna
be singing that all day.



- We've got smoke!
- OLIVER: Don't worry, don't worry.

Just pull over there
so they don't see us.

[CAR SQUEAKING]

[HISSING, RATTLING]

I'll give her $ worth
of diesel, she'll be fine!

- Why not fill her up?
- Where are we going, to the moon?

It's a shallow t*nk.

Hey, you might wanna pop the hood.

No thanks, we're fine.

[LAUGHS] Yo, hey! You, uh,
y-you're Brazzos! Right?


"This sends the damn day
in a brand new direction!"

"Whole new direction,"
but, yeah. That's me.

[LAUGHS] sh*t! Yo, let's
see what we got here, yeah?

Hey, do you think the
attendant can sell me some brine?

I need to replenish her sodium levels.

[LAUGHS] Brine, man! I like that!

Wherever you're going, you
might not be going in this.

[INDISTINCT SINGING ON RADIO]

- ATTENDANT: . .
- Uh,

could I also grab a lighter,
some batteries, and...

[GASPS] Strawberry lube! Oh wait,
that gave you a reaction last time.

[LAUGHS] Oh, this one.

We've got bubblegum lube.

MABEL: Perfect. We'll take that,

and some ginseng and Spanish fly.

Oh also, what size condoms do
you have? He needs slim fit,

extra long. We don't
want it to fall off again.

- [LAUGHS] It's bad.
- Alright, I'm... I'm gonna go.

Thank you.

[DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS]

- Are you proud of yourself?
- [LAUGHS] I said extra long.

Oh wow, that... [MABEL LAUGHS]

- OSCAR: That makes it all better...
- Oh, look at them. Laughing.

Not a care in the world.
And you're right.

She does wear cool boots.

- She's not kidnapped.
- Oh, don't worry.

She played me, too.

And I'm the one with the street smarts.

Hey, my cousin Peanut
can tow this for you.

Take it to a shop,
he could use the work.

I can give you a lift. I'm Lucien.

- Hi, Lucien.
- Hey, can you help us follow those two?

Sure. I follow people all the time.

He's nice. I like him. We sh...
Ooh... I'm gonna get my stuff!

[DOORS SHUT]

Rolling deep with
cacti today. If your hand

swells up after touching that thing,

don't touch your eye.

[CHARLES GRUNTS]

[WHISPERS] Why aren't we moving?

Waiting on my cousin Vaughn.
He had a taste for some oatmeal cookies.

Hurry up, man! Get in! We on a mission!

- Hello.
- Hi.

Let me call you back. My cousin
just picked up two white boys.



I didn't realize you
were driving a terrarium.

[LAUGHTER]

- So, who are we following.
- OLIVER: Well,

we're doing a podcast based on a
m*rder in the building we live in,

and the girl in the car is one
of the cohosts, but now, we think

she may have had something
to do with the whole thing.

Damn! You know, Vaughn and I,
we got a little podcast.

It's called Yard Dogs:

Your Favorite Horticulture Homies.

Good for you guys.
Giving it the old college try.

- That's... that's so sweet.
- VAUGHN: Yeah,

we got about , subscribers.

Been featured on iTunes and Spotify
as one of the best new podcasts.

You know, just trying to do
a little something-something.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[OLIVER GROWLS, INHALES]

We, uh, met Cinda Canning.
We have an in with her.

Cin Cin! [LAUGHS]

- That's our girl!
- [BOTH LAUGH]

LUCIEN: Yeah, we part
of Cinda's network, man.

The only thing green
she loves more than money

is our plants! [LAUGHS]

She's really the third
horticulture homie.

Oh. That's, that's...

uh, that's great.



[STREET CHATTER] [DISTANT
SIREN, BOTTLE BREAKING]

What party of Long Island is this?

Ah, this is Bayport, baby.

Every time I come out
here, some sh*t pops off.

- What are they doing out here?
- I don't know.

Maybe they're going
to m*rder someone else.

Stop calling her a m*rder*r.
She's an innocent young woman.

So, this girl...

she was helping you solve the m*rder,

but now you think she's involved?

- Pretty much.
- [SCOFFS] Damn.

Just because things
aren't what they seem,

doesn't mean she's a bad person.

Maybe she just doesn't trust y'all yet.

Or she's mistletoe.

Which is actually a toxic parasite. Mm.

The very plant that encourages
us to kiss at holiday time

can actually k*ll the tree it hangs on.

Little do you know, all
that romance is happening

under a tree assassin.



[SEAGULLS CAWING]

Okay. Now, let's go see why Tim
was hanging out with my sketchy cousin.

OSCAR: Yo, I know we
just drove out here,

but can we please let this go?

It's been... years since...

I had ice cream.

With a girl. On a beach.

It doesn't even have to be Haagen-Dazs.

It could be a nasty Smurf
pop from a dude with a cooler.

I do want to do that.

I do. I...

But this is important.

What happened ruined your life,

and now Tim is dead.

I just need some answers.

I'm trying to move forward with my life.

I got goals.

In prison, I started trap
yoga, and I got certified.

I want to open up a studio.

- Yoga?
- Yeah!

I'm positive as f*ck!

And figuring out why

some assh*le d*ed doesn't
do sh*t for my inner calm.

I get it. This isn't the most

positive-as-f*ck thing you
could be doing right now.

But I have to.

And I have to not.



Okay, I'll just catch
the train back later.

OSCAR: When you get outta prison
and try to restart your life,

you hope to get back to the good parts

and leave the bad behind.

But just because you aren't locked up,

doesn't mean you aren't
still in some kind of prison.

[TATTOO NEEDLE BUZZING]

[DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS]

[RADIO PLAYING]

What the f*ck are you guys doing here?

Well, we could say
the same thing about you.

Yeah. How was it chillin'
in Washington Square Park?

Was it, like, so chill?

Did you chill it up so hard?

Jesus...

Did you follow me?

- That is so messed up!
- No, no! What is messed up

is that you lied to
me, and you lied to him,

and we promised each
other we wouldn't do that!

He's very wounded, Mabel.

I'm made of stronger stuff, but he's...

I'm sorry.

Did you know Tim Kono?

Yes.

Did you have something to do with...

Wow, Charles.

Just say it out loud.

Say it out loud if that's
what you think of me.

It -it's not what I think... I'm
just... I'm just very confused.

[TATTOO NEEDLE CONTINUES]

I know. And I'll...

explain it to you guys.

Tim was my friend, or he used to be.

And I think that's why I'm so obsessed

- with solving this m*rder.
- [DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS]

f*ck it.

I got way too much 'cause
I don't know what you're into anymore.

- You came back.
- CHARLES: Well!

It's Tie-Dye Guy.

This is Oscar. Also a friend.

Also not the k*ller.

- Brazzos?
- Yes.

Wow.

I saw you going up the stairs
the night Tim Kono was m*rder*d.

I saw you sh**t a crocodile
that was smuggling dr*gs.

Uh, Brazzos was one of three
DVD sets in the prison library.

God, prison sounds like hell.

- What flavor do you have there?
- OSCAR: Uh, vegan sea salt oil?

Jesus. When did ice
cream become a hand lotion?

f*cking millennials.
Honest, they're so boring.

Okay, I'll take the popsicle then.

You were going up to Tim's
apartment that night, weren't you?

No, he wasn't.

Yeah. I was.

I'm sorry. I lied to you, Mabel.

I know I shouldn't have, but
it was just seeing you again...

Oh my God, my head is
spinning with all these lies.

No, no, go on.

I went up to Tim's place that night.

I-I don't know what I was gonna
do, but I wasn't going to k*ll him.

Maybe f*ck him up a little bit.

But the alarm was going off, and then...

[ALARM GETTING LOUDER]

[g*nsh*t]

... and then, I heard a f*cking g*nsh*t.

[ALARM BLARING, GETTING QUIETER]

- You heard it?
- Yeah.

I did.

But I didn't m*rder Tim Kono.

- Tim was m*rder*d?
- [TATTOO NEEDLE STOPS]

Damn, he was right. Tim called it.

Does everybody know Tim Kono now?

What are you two doing here?

Hey, can you please explain

who you are, and what
exactly you know...

[SNORTING] Brain freeze!

Oh, uh, use your thumb! Press
the top of your thumb... like that.

Like this? Mm! Mm...

Oh my God.

Tie-Dye Guy is a genius.

Um, Tavo, what were you saying?

Tim thought he was gonna get m*rder*d?

f*ck yeah.

He'd been trying to take down this

black market jewelry dealer named Angel.

Tavo. May-may I call you Tavo?

Well, what else would you call him?

Well, it could be an
affectionate nickname.

I don't wanna overstep my bounds.

Look, Tim Kono was a
loner who worked in a bank.

Taking down a black
market jewelry dealer

seems a little off
brand, don't you think?

Maybe.

Then again, I found all
these in his apartment.

- Whoa!
- Oh my God...

[CRUNCHING]

Brain freeze! [SNORTS]
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