01x04 - Manhattan Night Club

[bunniefuu]

Uh, the TA was asking about
you in the chem section.

I said you were feeling a
bit under the weather.

So I got you some, um...

O... What...

Os-Oscillio...

Osclio...

Oc-Occlio.

- Oak-Oaknium.
- (FLIES BUZZING)

Oc-Occlioscosnium.

Osio...

Oscli... uh, Occlioco...

Oscillococcinum, that's...

that's the correct
pronunciation, there.

So...

take one of those.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Siri,

call .

SIRI: I'm not sure I got that.
Can you...

Siri...

She was fine last night.

And then, this morning,

she asked me to go get her some NyQuil.

And I said, "NyQuil?
Don't you mean DayQuil?

Because then you're gonna fall asleep."

She said, "I want to sleep
all day." And then...

and then I ended up getting
some oles-olescoleum.

- Clecleum?
- Do you have a dorm advisor

- or someone who can...
- (GASPS)

What the f*ck?!

I thought you said she was dead!

Her vitals were at zero, I
checked them three times.

Oh, my... I-I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, um...

you should bill me because I'm
still on my parents' insurance.

- Uh, ma'am, you were dead.
- I'm fine now, so...

- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- I'm fine. (LAUGHS WEAKLY)

FEMALE PARAMEDIC: I still
think you should come

- to the hospital, ma'am.
- Oh, no, no.

I'm fine.

MALE PARAMEDIC: Ma'am,
you are not fine.

("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and
compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your
dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪

GUILLERMO: Was I disappointed

I wasn't turned into a vampire?

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

Heartbroken.

But I think it's because...

I need to learn patience.

And my master's

been really good to me lately.

How is it looking, Guillermo?

(GUILLERMO GIGGLES)

It looks like I'm flying, Master.

NANDOR: Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo!

I'm a vampire! (LAUGHS)

You are not, though.

LASZLO: We have total dominion

from here... to here.

So that's two streets.

Our street and Ashley's street.

Yes. I lied a bit.

Actually, it's from there to there.

So we have dominion over five houses?

We need to reach out to
some other vampires.

Consider joining dominions to secure

our stranglehold over the region.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Simon the Devious

is a vampire we have
known for centuries.

Our coffins were all
together on the ship

that brought us over to America.

We used to hide down in the hole,

then whisper jokes to each other.

Crawl around, tickle each
other, have a lovely time.

And then we would climb
up to the top deck

and just breathe in the sea air
and seduce and k*ll sailors.

LASZLO: We went to Staten Island,

he went to Mana-hatta.

And he very quickly became

the king of the Manhattan vampires.

And he was only , which...

You know, real boy wonder. Very clever.

He's not that clever.

Okay, who's cleverer, then?

- Stavros the Clever.
- (LAUGHS)

He d*ed tripping on his cape

at a wooden stake sale
at the garden center.

Simon's HQ is this fantastic nightclub

called the Sassy Cat
Club in Mana-hatta.

We used to go all the time in the ' s.

And we would do the Charleston

and the Peabody, and we'd
drink some very nice blood

from some very nice goblets.

LASZLO: You have to
wear a cape in there.

Yes. Everyone is in a cape.

And if you don't wear a cape,

you'll look like a
f*ck Me Knee-trembler.

Laszlo!

He's right, though.

If you don't, you'd look
like a right little tart.

How's this for the city?

Oh, yes.

You look like a beautiful
piece of wallpaper.

It needs a cape.

Hmm? Really?

Yeah. The bigger the better.

(SIGHS) Run.

We're going into the city tonight.

We're going to party and dance

and form a power alliance
with the Manhattan vampires

so that we can crush the humans.

No offense.

I found it.

Thoughts?

Looks like it's alive.

Good eye.

It's % witch skin.

Simon was always very
jealous of this hat.

I can't wait to see his
face when I walk in.

Please don't wear that hat.

- Too stylish?
- No.

It's a big, bloody stupid hat with

a big, bloody stupid curse on it.

And every time you wear it,

something bloody stupid
terrible happens.

- Nonsense. Gizmo likes it, don't you?
- It's Guillermo.

NADJA: Laszlo's stupid hat.

It's got a bloody huge curse on it.

I have tried to throw
it out many times,

but it keeps crawling back. Literally.

I acquired this hat

while draining the blood of
a Bavarian Hexenbrenner,

or witch burner.

He must've noticed me eyeing it,

'cause in his dying breath,

he said, "Take my hat, it's

(GROANING): cuh..."

"Yes, it is cool," I thought.

Free hat.

Even better.

Think of all the things
that have happened.

The potato famine, that
time that that horse

knocked you over and trampled over you.

- No, it didn't.
- Then it started making love to you?

I don't consider that a curse.

- It's growing human hair.
- Exactly.

My new familiar, he likes it.
Don't you, Dustin?

- JUSTIN: It's Justin.
- Yes, have a touch.

That was our new familiar.

Adieu.

It's that bloody cursed hat, Laszlo!

It's got nothing to do with the hat.
It's the bookshelf.

Which I charged you to fix.

(COUGHS, GRUNTS)

This hat is not cursed.

Oh, hey.

Uh, I-I overheard that you
might be going to Manhattan.

- I-I'd love to tag along.
- (HISSES)

NANDOR: Ooh.

Look at the skyline, Guillermo.

GUILLERMO: Yes, Master.

Steady, Guillermo.

It's a bit shaky.

I don't want water on my cape.

I'll have a soggy cape.

Why are we stuck in
bloody traffic, Laszlo?

- I don't know.
- Cursed hat.

That man on the sidewalk
looks a bit sad. Curse.

Why does this car smell bad?
It's the curse.

Look, you can say that all night.

I'm gonna be wearing this hat.

NANDOR: I am a bit nervous
about seeing Simon.

In the old days, it would
not have been my style

to make an alliance.

I would have slaughtered
my neighbors in battle.

But then you wake up and you think,

"I've got no neighbors."

(SOFT NOTE PLAYS)

What if I want to borrow something?

I'm ready to make a change.

My old boar.

Barry.

He's always smiling.

Ready to make

a friend.

I'll do the talking.

I invite you in.

NANDOR: Oh, it's so dingy.

COLIN: Everyone looks like Billy Idol.

It's a sexy Marmaduke.

This is lively.

We are the only ones wearing capes.

Shall we look for Simon the Devious?

Let's mingle until the others get here.

Mingling...

mingling.

Mingling with you.

Hi.

I-I'm gonna go look for the bathroom.

Oh, Guillermo.

Be careful you don't get... pfft.
(GROANS)

Why don't you go and mingle?

Oh, I don't think so.

Uh, my stomach's feeling a little iffy.

Gas.

So, I think I'll just
stick with you tonight.

Okay.

- Laszlo, what is taking so long?
- LASZLO: I say, cabbie.

I've got my cape caught in the door.

- Well, yank it out.
- What the hell

do you think I've been doing?

(GRUNTS) f*ck...!

You're f*cking kidding.

(GRUNTS)

You stay there.

I'll come to you.

- Oh, for f*ck's sake!
- Oh, that bloody hat.

Whoa! f*ck me.

Fu...

(CLUB MUSIC POUNDING)

(WHIRRING)

MAN: You haven't tried that?

It's like, one, then two, then three.

And then you get where we are now.

- But it's...
- (DOOR SHUTS)

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Colby.

Familiar of Xanthos the Cruel
and Radenka the Brutal.

- Ah.
- This is the familiar room.

Yep.

Amalta, Mischa, Jameson.

- Sam.
- O-Oh, Sam is a...

Sam's a familiar.

Sam's a cat. Guillermo, hi.

Nandor the Relentless,
so, nice to meet you.

Wait, Nandor the Relentless
of the Upper West Side?

No, that's, uh, Nancy the Relentless.

People think... W-We're Staten Island.

Cool.

NANDOR: So you know, we have our street

and also Ashley's street.

You know, we've just, uh, been
busy over in Staten Island.

- We're going to form an alliance.
- (LAUGHS) So tell me.

Are you currently adjoined
to any other vampires?

Uh, n-no. No, I...

- Let's just go up to the roof and...
- COLIN: Hey, hey.

Do either of you two know

what this building used to be?

This building used to be owned

by Hescher-Schmitz Farrier.

A farrier deals with equine foot care.

Kind of a Nike for horses.

Yes, everyone knows that.
Listen, Colin.

Why must you come here and interrupt me

- when I am talking to...
- Who are you talking to, Nandor?

It...

What did...?

- f*ck has happened in here?
- Oh, my...

This is a travesty.

What took you so long?

His f*cking stupid hat.

Why aren't they wearing capes?

Looks like anyone can be
a vampire in Mana-hatta.

Look at him.

Sod this, I'm gonna get a drink.

So how long have you been a familiar?

You don't look very familiar.

Ah. (LAUGHS)

I see what you did there,
but, uh, ten years.

- Ten years? A decade.
- Yeah.

It's considered being an
expert to some people.

- All right. Okay.
- Which way is the bathroom?

I'm here for the bathroom.

- You're standing in it.
- Oh, is that what that is?

Oh, the buckets. (CHUCKLES)
They gave them to us when they

thought we were going to unionize.

Do you not read the newsletter?

There's a newsletter?

- There is a newsletter.
- I can give you my e-mail.

CHILD VAMPIRES: Colby,
it's time to leave.

- Oh, those are your...
- Yeah, I'm their...

I'm their familiar. They're
like, years old

but I have to play their
parent, I'm their "Dad"

- so no one gets suspicious.
- VAMPIRES: Now, Colby.

- Y-You better go.
- (COLBY CLEARS HIS THROAT)

(LOW VOICE): Let's go, kids.

Daddy's coming. Let's go.

- (LIQUID PATTERING)
- Oh.

Excuse me, Sam.

All right, Big Vlad, light me up.

- CROWD (CHANTING): Simon! Simon!
- (LAUGHS)

This is insane. Who would do this?

- Simon! Simon! Simon! Simon!
- Are you ready for this?

Abbadon, watch. Are you watching?

Oh, boy, we are having fun tonight.

- (LAUGHS)
- (CHEERING)

Don't look so scared.

Understandably, life is
filled with mysteries.

And for our next mystery...

- Simon!
- Nadja?

- MAN: (GRUNTS) Hey!
- (LAUGHS)

Nadja!

What a sight for sore eyes.

- I haven't seen you in ages.
- Simon.

Look at you.

Don't you look wonderful?

f*cking bloodle service.

I wanted this five minutes ago.

I'm talking to Nadja now.

Please, please.

So, what are you up to?

Well, I'm, uh, uh, living in...
on the Staten Island.

Uh-huh...

And things are going
very, very, very good.

- Good? Good.
- Very good. Yes.

Oh, I'm so happy to hear that,
'cause I worry about you.

Aw...

Come, come, come, come,
come, come, come.

You know, I worry about you
because I hear all these stories

about all these vampires,
and they slowly spiral out

and then they get stuck
in this real complacency.

Then, eventually, they just...
fade away.

- But not you.
- No way.

You're-you're in Staten Island.

- Well, yes.
- And Laszlo and Nandor?

Have you spoken to them recently?

Uh, well, actually,
they're somewhere here.

No!

- Yes.
- Impossible!

Well, we should all have a drink.

I would love to catch up
with those two rascals.

Ah, there you are.

Had my eye on you all
night, little one.

- Oh, I-I, I'm just, uh...
- Yeah, whatever it is you're "just,"

you just found it right here.
Sweet release from life.

Uh, I like life. And I'm just, uh...

NANDOR: Guillermo.

Oh.

Something I can help you with, friend?

Uh, well, not really, but...

Oh, were you gonna... (GROWLS)

- No, no, no. No.
- 'Cause I was thinking... (GROWLS)

- Okay. Well, okay.
- Yeah?

- I'd prefer it if you didn't.
- Why?

He's kind of my familiar.

- How could I know? (CHUCKLES)
- No, I...

No, honest mistake. Y-You
don't have to apologize.

I will. I must apologize,
I'm so sorry. I-I...

Fine, honestly, look, if you
really had your heart set on it,

don't let me stand in your way.

- Well, I'd love to...
- GUILLERMO: What?

Not at all. This is my discourtesy.

- And I feel bad.
- I mean, I'm okay with it if...

- I mean, you can if you like.
- No. No. No. I do apologize.

- Cheers. Okay? Rock and roll.
- Yes.

Wow!

No, I wasn't going to let him eat you.

Guillermo!

Simon The Devious will see you.

Okay. Great. Uh,

- your hat is bleeding.
- I know.

SIMON: You must

k*ll someone in the Hamptons.
It's just...

Laszlo! Nandor?

Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?

NANDOR: Pleasure to
see you again, Simon.

SIMON: And look at you. Nadja
said you're doing well.

And now I see you in your capes,

and I think "Well, you haven't
lost your senses of humor."

- You're married?
- LASZLO AND NADJA: Yes.

SIMON: Well, your behavior
with me did not preclude you

- to be married.
- LASZLO: Oh, no, no, no, no.

I had forgotten because of her
physical behavior with me.

Oh, when was the last time
we were all together?

The bicentennial, .

Yes, you told that joke about
that group of sailors.

Yes. Uh,

"It's like a virtual
smorgasbord of seamen"?

(LAUGHING)

That's it.

But I haven't even
introduced you to my crew,

the Leather Skins.

Of course, that's Big Vlad behind you.

Abbadon, Empusa.

We've got the Freak sisters over there,

they're two sisters and
they are not related.

That's Little Vlad.

The guy's a f*cking maniac.

We've got Mister s.

We've got S, and that's
because her name is Sarah.

We've got Evil Steve.

Freakfest Tony. Ah!

There he is, Blavglad
the Exsanguinator.

And, of course, The Silent One.

(QUIETLY): Hey.

SIMON: We keep going over there,

we've got Asian Mike. And that's Chunt.

Jane the Soulless, Elgrad the
Fifth, Horvok the Pit Master.

Gonthrapal and his brother Krylsac.

It's Wesley Sykes.

- Desdemona the Shrieker.
- (SHRIEKS)

Yes.

There's Len, my accountant.

And of course, Count Rapula.

♪ years livin' in New York, son ♪

♪ I didn't start rhyming till . ♪

SIMON: Yes, he just started rapping

in .

Yes, well, um, this is our crew.

There's Nandor. My
good lady-wife Nadja,

who you clearly know. And my good self.

- We like to keep things slim.
- COLIN: Hi, everyone.

I'm... I'm-I'm also with them.

- SIMON: Who is he?
- No one.

COLIN: I'm with them.

Now, we've all known
each other long enough

to know that this is not
a mere social visit.

You are not wrong.

Um, you may have heard that, uh,

we have the Baron visiting with us.

The Baron came to visit
you in Staten Island?

NADJA: Yes. We were thinking,
as we have dominion

- over Staten Island...
- Uh-huh.

And you, Simon, you control
a lot of Manhattan, well...

- I do.
- LASZLO: Yes, uh,

I mean, there's talk we
could possibly join forces,

take the lion's share of New York City.

Uh, which also includes our
street and also Ashley Street.

So, I would bring
Manhattan to the table,

and you would bring...

Our street and...

- NADJA AND NANDOR: Ashley Street.
- SIMON ...and Ashley Street.

- Correct.
- Yes.

Well, that sounds very interesting.

Oh, ooh.

SIMON: So I guess I would begin

the negotiation by...

you giving me that hat.

Oh, I f*cking knew this would happen.

- Absolutely not.
- NADJA: Laszlo.

Simon, you don't want the hat.
It's not a good hat.

- No...
- Give him the hat.

No.

SIMON: I watched you
walk around that ship

always wearing that hat and thinking,

"This vampire doesn't deserve this hat.

I deserve that hat."

Well, I'll tell you something,
if you want this hat,

you'll have to cut my head off.

- Laszlo.
- That's fine.

Big Vlad, right behind
you, has a machete.

He could take it, or perhaps
we could get The Silent One,

or Little Vlad, he's a f*cking maniac.

And if we could hit Mister
s, maybe he could help,

- or the Exsanguinator himself.
- (HISSING)

Or, let's see, f*cking everybody here.

All right, all right, you've
made your point. Get off me.

Take the f*cking hat.

Ah, thank you. Mm.

What is it that's sort of puckering

and sucking at the back of my head?

NADJA AND LASZLO: It's witch's assh*le.

Oh, yes.

Well, now that I've got the hat,

- I can say, um, get them out of here.
- What?

- LASZLO: What?
- You can get the f*ck out!

Get out of my club!

- Oh...
- SIMON: I summoned you here

to get your hat, and now it
is time for you to leave.

(BEATBOXING)

♪ Hey, yo, it's time to go ♪

♪ So hit the exit, my
rhyme flow's so sick ♪

- ♪ It's on some next sh*t... ♪
- Yeah!

- SIMON: Thank you.
- Humiliating.

SIMON: Thank you. Thank you.

By the way, we don't validate parking.

Not that you have a car,

- because you are failuresof vampires
- Lazlo, don't...

in your pathetic, lame capes.

This hat... it makes me
feel like Robin Hood.

Big Vlad, my bow.

- Touch the sky.
- Touch the sky.

He's a big silly dickhead.

I don't remember him being so devious.

I mean, he is called Simon The Devious.

- sh*t!
- sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

f*cking hell. Darling?

- Yes?
- I think my hat's probably cursed.

Bat!

Oh...

Guillermo.

(MOUTHS)

Guillermo?

You're still angry about that vampire

who tried to eat you, aren't you?

- Yes.
- Don't deny it. I can tell.

- I said yes.
- See, I knew it.

Guillermo...

I'm sorry for how I
treated you tonight.

I appreciate you.

I really do.

Well, you have a funny way
of showing it sometimes.

Thank you. But...

I'm going to make it up to you tonight.

GUILLERMO: This is amazing, Master.

Enjoy it, Guillermo.
You're really flying.

This is the best night of my life!

Oh, that's quite sad, but
also quite beautiful.

- I feel like a real vampire.
- Don't push it.

- What's that over there?
- Where?

The Empire State Building, I think.

Is that it right there?

- What, over...
- Aah!

Oops.

- (CRASH)
- sh*t.

- (GROANING)
- NANDOR: Shh, Guillermo.

- Don't trouble yourself.
- (MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY)

He was fortunate.

A thicket of trees tangled
him up, and then he landed

on the roof of an abandoned food truck.

I want you to know

that you are my...

friend.

- Hmm...
- Ugh, no, that didn't feel right.

You will forget I said anything.

Shall we?

Hold your Horlicks...
That's my bloody hat.

Is that you in there, Simon?

Well, I'm gonna take my hat
back, you crispy piece of sh*t.

(MONITOR FLATLINES)

- (MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY)
- (GUILLERMO WHIMPERS)

(MONITOR FLATLINES)

- (MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY)
- (GUILLERMO MOANING)

Eh.

♪ I like to think when I'm
looking out the window ♪

♪ Step back and maybe
look at the sunrise ♪

- ♪ So remember me ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪

- ♪ Another moment that will never be ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪

♪ And take the time
to make some sense ♪

♪ And think about the consequence ♪

♪ When I'm looking at you,
when you're looking at me ♪

♪ Wonder what it would be,
wonder what it could be ♪

♪ I like to think when I'm
looking out the window ♪

♪ Like to think when I'm
looking out the window ♪

♪ Window, window, oh ♪

♪ Window, window. ♪