01x08 - Citizenship

[bunniefuu]

♪

NADJA: I have given a strange
girl the most beautiful gift...

The gift of becoming a vampiric

bloodsucking creature of the shadows.

Did you see that?

NADJA: She has not yet blossomed

into her full vampiric state,

but I think she is on her way.

(QUIETLY): Oh, what the
hell is happening to me?

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

JENNA: Sorry if I don't

seem up to my normal self. I just...

I've just been going through changes.

(HISSING)

Having crazy dreams.

Like, super weird.

My friends have noticed.

(GRUNTS)

Mood swings. Unusual cravings.

- (CREATURE SQUEALS)
- (HISSES)

I'm usually a flexatarian.

Who else? Michelangelo Buonarroti.

- (HISSING)
- Michelangelo...

JENNA: I've developed an eye sensitivity

and skin sensitivity.

- And sometimes...
- (WHIMPERING)

sometimes I have this urge

to tear my roommate to shreds.

("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪

NANDOR: Thank you all for
coming to this house meeting.

I must remind everyone that if
you are gonna entice a victim

into the house and then
you let them live,

show them out.

- Loud and clear.
- Fair enough.

- It's common courtesy.
- NADJA: All right. Yes.

- It is.
- It is.

Also,

is it possible, for when
you leave the house,

to blow out the candles?

- Observe.
- (BLOWS)

Simple as that. Major catastrophe

- averted.
- LASZLO: What is that

disgusting, putrefied smell?

Like a... snake in heat?

That may be me.

I'm wearing a new cologne
called "Mr. Hijinks".

- NANDOR: Okay, great. I am...
- Aftershave?

COLIN: It's a cologne-aftershave mix

and I found it in the bathroom at work.

NANDOR: Eh, great.

Can we just not talk about
the cologne anymore, please?

- Why would you use a cologne?
- NANDOR: Shush!

To annoy you.

- Touché.
- NANDOR: Please, I am speaking here!

And when I was the leader of my country,

I would k*ll anyone who disrespected me

when I'm talking about candles.

You were the leader of a country?

Yes. I was the leader of Al Quolanudar.

That sounds like you just made it up.

- COLIN: Sounds fake.
- No, I have not just made it up.

It's a real country.

It's not a fake country,
it's a real country.

Al Quolanudar.

- Bless you.
- NANDOR: Guillermo, go on your

intelligent telephone
machine and l-look it up.

GUILLERMO: Spell that A...

- A-L. New word.
- Uh-huh.

- I've got it.
- NANDOR: Oh, great!

Uh, how-how's it doing?

Not so hot. It's dissolved.

- Wha... When did this happen?
- .

(WHIMPERS)

NANDOR: To find out that your country

has not existed since

is a pretty sudden shock.

It was my home.

Yes, I was driven out for pillaging

and k*lling and torturing,

and that's fair enough, really.
But now what do I have?

Nowhere is my home.

- Aah!
- (HISSING)

(SUCKS TEETH)

NADJA: It is very disgusting for me
to see this little one like this.

She is like a disabled,

very sickly donkey

that you want to smash in the
skull because it is just

too pitiful to look at.

Eh, I suppose I was not

much different when I
first became a vampire.

No one had had

"the talk" with me about
my unholy transition.

I had had no one to guide me.

(HISSING)

(GROANS)

This is a bag of soil from my homeland

that I take with me when I travel.

'Tis all that is left of Al Quolanudar.

Al Quolanudar!

Al Quolanudar... sh*t.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

(GROWLING)

Oh, my God!

Forget it.

What?

You are released.

I'm not hungry.

It's just...

I just found out that my
country doesn't exist anymore

and I'm really depressed about it.

And I've lost my appetite.

You don't want to hear about all this.

- Y-You were running away.
- W...

Are you okay?

It's kind of you to ask,
but really, you go.

Flee. Flee!

Master, are you all right?

I have no country. I have no home.

What? No, this is your home.

And this is your country.

No, it's not and it's not.

Well, maybe you'd feel better if
you were an American citizen?

- Is that possible?
- Of course.

Yes.

I will make an alliance
with this unholy nation

and make this place my home!

There you go.

I think that's a bus stop there.

I'll see you back at home.

(SQUEAKING)

Yeah, it's become pretty clear to me

- that I'm turning into a vampire.
- I bit your neck.

I made you drink my blood. What
did you think I was doing?

I don't know. I-I just didn't
think vampires existed and...

(SCOFFS) You are giving me sarcasm?
(LAUGHS)

I-I enjoy. (LAUGHS)

Am I gonna feel like
crap for all eternity?

Darling, you feel like crap
because you are eating crap.

You are living like a
little chimney boy.

If you want to be a
powerful, strong vampire,

you just have to complete
your transition.

- How do I do that?
- Darling, it's nothing. You just

got to drink some human blood, baby.

That's all. I am going to
teach you how to k*ll.

Okay, is there any way I could
just drink their blood,

- but not k*ll them?
- Shh.

You just shut up now,
my stupid little baby.

Okay.

GUILLERMO: So I promised
to help my master

- apply for citizenship.
- NANDOR: Yes?

Ah, Guillermo. Excellent.

I called Immigration, and

you are eligible for citizenship.

- You actually started the process,
- Great.

But you didn't finish.

I didn't?

No. .

I did apply for my American citizenship

back in .

For five reasons and five reasons only:

Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, Ewing.

The starting lineup for the

U.S. Olympic men's basketball team.

- The Dream Team, baby.
- ♪ I got the moves... ♪

I call this my Dunk Zone.

They were merciless.

Titans amongst men.

Conquerors of the court.

I simply had to

pledge my undying
allegiance to their nation.

GUILLERMO: Well, what happened in ?

Why didn't you complete the process?

Probably because the
Macarena swept the nation.

So... I didn't really have
time for anything else.

Okay, every vampire has
their own special power.

So, we need to work out what yours is,

so you can trap and k*ll
your first human meal.

I can fold my tongue like a taco.

What's that? Oh, no.

No. Let's try... You seduce me.

I am just stupid human man.

Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls.

I'd love to drink beer.

- Okay.
- Bite your lip seductively.

(LIP CRUNCHES)

- Ow.
- Okay.

Maybe seduction isn't
your special power.

Well, what's your power?

I am an excellent crawler.

- You can see.
- Oh.

(QUIETLY): Oh, she can do everything.

Come on, try it. Maybe you're
a creepy crawler like me.

Darling, it's very easy,

you just scratch up the wall.

That's right. Come on. That's it.
You're doing...

(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)

- Oh, no, are you okay?
- (GROANS)

What the hell is going on?

What's all this mess and
what are you doing up there?

Calm down, Laszlo. I was just
teaching the little stupid baby

vampire how to crawl.

- Who?
- Jenna.

- Who's Jenna?
- She's right there.

Oh, right, I didn't see you.

She should be in a bloody cage.

- (GASPS) Laszlo.
- (HISSES)

(BOTH HISSING)

JENNA: That's a
horrible thing to say.

Ah, see what you've done.
Ruined her confidence. (HISSES)

(DOOR SLAMS)

- Damn.
- Idiot. (HISSES)

GUILLERMO: Okay, just imagine
we're at the Immigration office

and I'll be the government official.

When and where were you born?

Al Quolanudar. Eh, .

And where is that?

Southern Iran.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe not mention Iran.

Why did you leave your country?

Standard reasons. Uh,
driven out by peasants.

How many times have you been married?

- Just the once.
- Okay.

To women.

- (KNOCKING)
- NADJA: Jenna,

Laszlo is very sorry and
he has something to say.

I say, little vampire,

I'm very sorry for saying

you should be kept in a cage.

All of my knowledge and
the best of my abilities

will turn you into

the most impressive vampire there is.

(WHISPERS): Yes!

Hello.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

Who is George Washington?

- George Washington?
- Yes.

America's first gay president.

I don't think that George
Washington was actually...

Yes.

- Hello, Nandor!
- Hello.

Is that that virgin girl?

Hi.

Is she a vampire now?

Well, she's got fangs and
the white pale face...

It's a pretty major clue.

(SIGHS) Anyway, which one is better:

alt-right or Antifa?

I'm trying to decide
which team to join...

GUILLERMO: I just, uh, found out
that Nadja has turned someone...

Someone so random, it's
crazy, like, it's crazy...

Into a vampire.

(MUFFLED SHRIEKING)

The transformation into a bat

is probably the most important thing

- a vampire can do.
- NADJA: Yes.

Do you have somewhere that
I could put my clothes?

- No, no, no. Don't do that.
- Wait, what are you doing?

If I'm gonna be a bat, then
don't I have to get...

nak... Where do my clothes go?

Huh.

Um...

let's not get bogged
down in the details.

- Keep your clothes on for now.
- Oh, okay.

Right.

When I turn into a bat,

there's no real skill to it at all.

I just shout "bat!"

(SQUEAKING)

Human form!

- Much like that.
- Oh, wow.

Your turn.

Okay.

(EXHALES)

Bat!

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)

Oh. Ooh.

NADJA: It's okay. Calm down
and just stop screaming.

- Terrifying.
- What the heck?

- What would you even call that?
- I don't know.

"We, the people..."

We, the people...

- "We, the..."
- (LOUD THUD)

- JENNA: Ow!
- What was that?

Sounded like someone threw a
bag of garbage off the roof.

Well, go and investigate.

Sorry, hi.

- Yep. Bag of garbage.
- Uh, hi.

Is there any way you
could let me back in?

Yeah.

(QUIETLY): You can figure
it out on your own

since you're a f*cking vampire now.

JENNA: Guillermo?

I can hear you. Heightened senses.

NADJA: I just don't understand.
Turning into a bat

is the easiest thing
for a vampire to do.

I am not disappointed with
Jenna's progress so far.

So, you know, maybe she
doesn't have a special power.

So what? She's a below-average vampire.

Either way, I do think
she's very much ready

for her first human meal.

I believe in you very much.

We're going to go to a party

full of hot idiots.

We demand you invite us

inside your house carnival, now.

Yeah, that's gonna be a "no."

Ew.

We will do whatever the
hell we want to do.

And you will respect women a
lot more after this, okay?

Okay.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

NANDOR: Obviously, I'm just going to

hypnotize my interviewer into
giving me my citizenship.

When was the last time you
traveled out of this country?

Listen to my words.

You will grant me

my American citizenship.

Make me one with your evil empire.

Is this a joke to you, sir?

Um...

No.

- Good.
- NANDOR: It seems

that, uh, government workers

are immune to hypnotism.

It's like their souls
are dead or something.

Please describe the right to bear arms.

NANDOR: If it's a nice day,

you should have the right

to bare your arms.

All right. Moving on.

NANDOR (WHISPERS): I don't detect

any human left in them.

- (SKA BAND PLAYING)
- NADJA: Right. Who in here looks

lovely, yummy-yummy,
tasty enough to eat?

Oh, what about him?

He looks like a really good laugh.

JENNA: He's in my stats class.

So?

So, I-I cannot k*ll him

because that would be a very
big blow to his family.

I can't take that on, emotionally.

Please, darling, listen to me.

We are in a room full of pure assh*le.

You can do no wrong. Honestly.

I believe in you, my darling. (EXCLAIMS)

- Okay.
- Okay.

We elect a president for how many years?

A thousand years.

Okay.

The idea of self-government

is in the first three words
of the Constitution.

So, what are these words?

Hmm?

"Hey... you guys."

Yeah. Okay.

What does the Constitution
do for the people?

- It...
- Oppresses them.

Try and get his attention, darling.

Lovely red face.

Are you enjoying your drink?

Are you enjoying your drink?!

- I don't think he hears me.
- No,

I just think maybe you're
not trying hard enough.

Just watch me, okay?

Oh, hello.

Oops, I'm... very sorry
for bumping into you.

I will punish myself later,

'cause I'm such a bad girl.

Who are your parents?

They are very bad

for making such a big boy.

I love you.

So much.

See? It's very, very easy.

Just might want to spend the
rest of my life with you.

- I live to be your sl*ve.
- Yes, yes. Now, go upstairs,

put your head deep
inside the toilet bowl,

and flush it seven times.

I think-I think that
was an abuse of power.

I think it's just an abuse of that boy.

- Oh, my...!
- (NADJA GASPS)

Hello.

Hello?!

Okay. No, it's okay.

- He'll-he'll apologize.
- No.

You have just spilled

your tankard of mead
all over my companion.

What? Who?

Me.

(HISSES)

(GROANS) This is pointless!

Nobody sees me!

Why don't they see me?
This is pointless!

No, darling, it's not pointless.

No! I'm done! I'm done. I've had it.

- Thank you, I'm sorry.
- But...

(JENNA EXHALES HEAVILY) Excuse me!
Could you just...

Can you just get out of my way?!

Get out of my way!

Why does nobody hear me?!

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS) Wh...

- (WOMAN GASPS)
- (MAN GRUNTS)

- Whoa!
- What is that?

- (PARTYGOERS SCREAM)
- (NADJA LAUGHS)

Did you see?

Did anyone... Really?!

- Jenna?
- Whoa.

You went invisible.

The... Didn't you see it?

You have a very, very special power.

You are going to m*rder so
many human people with this.

- Yes.
- (SMALL SCREAM)

(SCREAMS)

JENNA: This is the
best night of my life!

- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- NADJA: Where has she gone?

Dracula's in the house!

Where's my Jenna?

There she is!

- (SQUEALS)
- This is amazing!

I have a cool vampire power.

Now, I wonder if anyone looks

a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummy

for you to m*rder with
your mouth right now, hey?

- (PLAYING SKA MUSIC)
- ♪ Pick it up ♪

♪ Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up ♪

♪ Pick it up, pick it
up, pick it up... ♪

- (YELLS)
- (MUSIC STOPS, PARTYGOERS GASP)

- (GRUNTING)
- (JENNA GRUNTS)

MAN: Pick him up!

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

- What the f*ck?!
- Hi.

Hey, there. Um, no, it's okay.

Aah! (GASPING)

Ah...

Hmm.

Just need a little bit of...
little bit of chill.

Okay, s-sorry. Hold-hold still.

Just gonna get the lid
on nice and tight and...

on your blood, so it doesn't,
um, leak in my backpack.

I've done as you asked, Mistress.

Not now, big boy.

Go and eat some bricks.

IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Now,

to test your English comprehension,

I'm going to ask you to recite

the Oath of Allegiance.

NANDOR: Okay.

"I hereby declare, on oath,

"that I absolutely and
entirely renounce and abjure

"all allegiance and fidelity
to any foreign prince

"and without any mental reservation

"or purpose of evasion, so help me G..."

So help me G...

(SIGHS) So help me G...

Could I possibly just
skip the last bit? Huh?

So help me Go... (SCREAMING)

- (FLAMES HISS OUT)
- Oh...

(MUFFLED): Ow. Ow.

(GROANING)

You ready to go?

I didn't pass.

Made a fool out of myself.

I have no country, I have no home.

I have no people.

I'm like a little lost duck,

floating about in the
middle of the ocean.

Oh, will you stop f*cking complaining?

- Excuse me?
- You know, I'm tired of it.

So what? You're not a
f*cking American citizen.

You're not a citizen of anything.

You're a vampire!

Okay? You can fly.

You can transport anywhere as a bat!

You are immortal.

Do you have any idea how much

people would pay, who they would k*ll

just to be who you are?

To be in your shoes?

In your f*cking shoes!

You should be f*cking proud of yourself.

Proud of who you are.

Wow.

Guillermo.

You are right.

I am a vampire.

A cool and powerful vampire.

Hear my words!

I am a proud vampire!

I will not bow down

to your pathetic bureaucracies.

It is you who will bow down to me!

I don't need your citizenship.

I will rule

this earth for eternity

as you rot

and your bones turn to dust!

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Yes!

Sound the alarms!

It won't make no difference!

(CAR ALARM DIES AWAY)

(NANDOR EXHALES)

Guillermo...

I appreciate you telling
me how it is back there.

Your tone was highly
disrespectful, but...

you were right.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I guess now that you have
your, uh, confidence back,

you probably need some
vampire sidekick to...

Nah, I'm good.

Oh.

Hands down, the best night of my life.

I mean, I'm invisible, - Yes.

I ate my first dude,

and I've never stayed up this late.

Can we, like, watch the
sun rise or something?

- That would be so nice.
- Oh...

We could cozy up.

About that... um...

Funny... very funny story.

You can never go in the sun again,

because if you do, you will

burst into a boiling ball of flame.

Sorry.

I am a little disappointed
I didn't get to be

a American citizen.

I was really looking
forward to buying a g*n.

Oh, you don't need to be
a citizen to get a g*n.

They'll give those to anyone.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Even in Al Quolanudar you
couldn't get a sword

without the checking of your background.

JENNA: I got it!

NADJA: What? What is it?

Motorcycle helmets protect
vampires from the sun.

Haven't you seen Blade?

They put the things on

and then the sun can't hit you.

- Oh.
- Trust me.

It's the night of many
firsts, for both of us.

NADJA: You are now a
full, strong vampire.

You no longer need me.

And thus, your never-ending
journey begins.

- It's so exciting!
- JENNA: It is!

- (HISSING)
- NADJA: What the f*ck?

- JENNA: Ow!
- NADJA: Curse!

Oh, that's very hot!

- We must go!
- (SQUEALING)

♪

♪ Oh, vampire ska ♪

♪ Raise up the soul, pack
up the school time ♪

♪ Everybody knew that she was ruler ♪

♪ Wants to sink her fangs
deep in your neck ♪

♪ She's gonna take you home
and show you no respect ♪

♪ She's a vampire ♪

♪ Shake it up ♪

♪ Oh, vampire ska ♪

♪ She said, "You dress
like a city gent" ♪

♪ So out for a pint is where we went ♪

♪ Her bomber jacket had
a Guinness towel ♪

♪ She looked real sharp
in my chrome cowl ♪

♪ She's a vampire. ♪