02x04 - The Handcuffs

[bunniefuu]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

if you will observe closely, please,

I shall endeavor

to make the packet of cigarettes
magically reappear.

Hocus...

pocus...

dominocus.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's very good.

Fine, Fred. That's fine.

What a talent.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

for my next trick...

Oh, not another one.

Oh, Fred, you've been on an hour.

That's minutes too long.

Well, if you're going to take that
attitude

I won't show you my next trick.

That's Great.
Fine.

That's good, Fred, because I got a
lot of work to do...

This next demonstration is known

as Mystifying Mertz's handcuff
escape.

And you're going to have to beg me
before I do it.

Oh, please, Fred.

Well, well, well, if you're going to
say please,

okay, I'll do it.

It'll only take a second.

You have to be a volunteer from the
audience.

This is the most mystifying bit

of prestidigitation in my entire
repertoire,

and I shall need a volunteer.

I'm here.

Well, well, there's a very beautiful
young lady.

Now I'm going to ask you to look at
these

and see that they are securely locked

and that it will be impossible for
you to remove them.

Very funny.

I'm sorry, Fred.

I didn't mean to spoil...

I'm coming, Houdini.

Listen, Ethel, I hope I didn't hurt
his feelings.

Hurt his feelings?

Listen, I've seen him do those magic
tricks

a hundred times.

This is the best audience he ever
had.

We didn't intend to stay all
afternoon.

See you later.

That's all right.
Bye-bye, dear.

Bye, Ethel.

Oh, poor Fred.

What do you mean, poor Fred?

Poor us.

I'm certainly glad they finally left.

I got a lot of work to do this
afternoon.

You have? I thought you were just
saying that to get rid of Fred.

No, I got to learn my part for this
television show.

Oh, honey, you've got a lot of time
for that.

That doesn't go on till tomorrow.

I know, but the rehearsal is tonight.

Well, I'll just clean things up
then...

Tonight?

Yeah.

But, Ricky, tonight is Monday.

You were going to take me to a movie
and dinner.

I was?

Well, I didn't tell you about it yet,
but you were.

Gee whiz, Ricky, you only get one
night off a week.

Well, honey, that's why they're
having the rehearsal tonight--

so I can be there.

I'm very important to the show.

Well, you're very important to me,
too.

Gee, I never get to see you anymore.

Well, honey, I'll take you to dinner
and a movie

some other night, huh.

You've been saying that for a long
time.

You know how long it's been since
I've seen a movie?

How long?

Well, I can't remember the title,

but there was a guy named Ben that
won a chariot race.

I understand they have pictures with
sound now.

Never mind that.

Well, it makes me mad.

We never get to go out together.

Well, honey, I promise

that I'll keep Mondays for you from
now on.

Well, you better.

I'll see what Ethel's doing tonight.

Okay, honey.

Hmm.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Hey.

What's this? Hey!

What happened?

What are you doing?

I'm going to use these on you every
Monday

and then you can't get away from me.

Oh, honey, you know I'm not trying

to find ways to get away from you.

I know, and I love you.

Well, I love you, too...

Oh!

How do you get these things off?

Well, I'll show you.

Hocus-pocus dominocus!

Gee, that's funny.

When Fred had them on

I just jiggled them and they fell
off.

Hocus-pocus dominocus!

Ooh.

Let me try it.

Hocus-pocus...
whatever it is.

Ow!

Gee, Mertz is more mystifying

than I thought.

I better call him, honey.

Whoop!

Ow!
Sorry, honey.

Fred isn't home-- he went down to the
corner.

Ethel and I got these out of his
trunk.

Well, come on, let's call Ethel, huh?

Yeah.

I'll dial.

Hey! Hey, Lucy, don't put those...

Uh-oh.

We're too late.

Too late for what?

- Um...
- Too late for what?

Uh, Fred, uh...

Too late for what?
What is it?

Those are not the trick handcuffs.

What?

These are the trick handcuffs.

I took them down to the barbershop to
show the boys.

Oh, great.

Well, any idiot should have seen the
difference.

Almost any idiot.

Well, isn't there any way you can get
these things unlocked?

Sure. You open them with a key.

Well, what are you waiting for?
Where's the key?

I never had one.

Those are old Civil w*r handcuffs.

Civil w*r?!

Civil w*r?!

Have you been saving them ever since
then?

Never mind.

They were given to me when I did a
police benefit,

and that was way back in .

Oh, no.

Well, genius, what now?

Are we going to go through life like
this?

Now, honey, remember.

When we were married,

you wanted to be joined together in
matrimony.

And as I recall, it was "till death
do us part."

Yeah, that's right.

That event is about to take place
right now.

Now, Ricky!

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

We can fix this whole thing with one
phone call.

What do you mean?

Well, there is such a thing as a
locksmith.

Of course.

Now wait a minute.

I'll do it.

I'll get the locksmith.

I'll do it!

Here, "L".

I got him.
I got him.

Here they are.
Right there.

Here it is.

Here's a fellow right near here on
First Avenue.

Well, he won't be at the store this
late.

Call his home.

Well, let's see if they got his...

Yeah. Here's his home number.

What's the number?

Well, I lost my place now.

Here. Here it is.

Hey, what time is it?

: . I got to be down at the
television rehearsal.

Don't worry, I'll have him meet us
down there.

Oh, no, I'm not going to go down
there like this.

I'll just have to call and tell them
I'll be late.

Gee, I don't think he's home.

Hello? Are you the locksmith?

Well, this is Mrs. Ricky Ricardo

at East th street.

Yes. Uh, by accident,

my husband and I got handcuffed
together,

and we'd like you to come over

and take them off for us.

No, we didn't escape from jail.

It was an...
it was an accident.

But wait a minute.

That's too late.

Wait a minute!

Oh.

He won't come until morning.

Well, never mind.

There's a whole page full of
locksmiths here.

Here's another character--
Pennsylvania .

Look now, Ricky, I can't help it

if there isn't a locksmith in New
York City

that will come over here tonight.

Can't help it.

Estas loca completamente.

All right, all right, all right!

Here. Cut my arm off and go to
rehearsal.

Never mind that.
It's too late.

Let's go to bed.

Come on.
All right.

I'm sorry.

Well, look, now let's not lose our
tempers.

Let's get organized.

Now, first, let's get undressed.

Okay. All right.
All right.

After you.

Thank you.

Well, it takes women a little longer

to get undressed.

Well?

Well, now, there must be a way out of
this.

Now just a minute.

Come here.

Wait a minute!

That's a new suit.

Well, it's either that

or we're going to have to sleep in
our clothes all night.

Well, then, we'll have to sleep in
our clothes all night.

I'm not going to ruin a new suit.

Okay.

Now let me see.

Well...

let's at least take our shoes off,
huh?

All right.

Ah! Don't tickle my feet!

I didn't mean...

Okay?

Yeah.

Let's go to bed.

Oh, Ricky!

Cut it out, will you?

Well, you did it, too.

All right, wait a minute, wait a
minute.

Let me figure it out.

Now let's turn around.

Let's turn around.

No, not there.

Turn over here

and climb into bed from the end.

No. That's no good.

Then we'll be on the wrong side.

I want to sleep where I usually do.

All right. Crawl around.

There you are.

Oh...

Good night, dear.

Good night, honey.

Ricky?

What?

I can't sleep on my back.

Well, try it!

All right.

No, I can't do it.

Let's trade places.

Okay.

Well, you come around this way.

I'll go around the other way.

There we are.

Ah, good night, dear.

Good night.

Ricky?

What?

I can't sleep this way either.

Why not?

Because I want to sleep

in my own bed and on my stomach.

That's impossible.

Well, you're doing it.

What are you talking about?

Well, if there was only some way

we could get on the other side of
each other.

Come here, I think I can figure it
out.

Wait a minute, let me put the light
on.

Now, look...
Yeah?

Now just stand here a minute.

Now let me figure something out.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that will do it.

Now hold still.

All right.

Hey, wait a minute!

Now wait.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Wait!

No!

I'll give you five dollars

if you can get out of this one.

What are you doing?

There. Look. See?

See? I'm here.

That's just the right way

that we started from.

You were there, and I was here.

Now let me get it straight.

You want to sleep on your stomach in
your bed.

Right.

Right? Okay.

Oye, que pesada estas.

Eleven years marriage, pounds.

Oh!

There.

Ow!

There you are.

Lucy, are you up yet?

I'll be right there.

Just sit down, Mr. Walters.

They'll be here in just a minute.

All righty.

My goodness!

This is Mr. Walters, the locksmith.

Mr. Walters, Mr. And Mrs. Ricardo.

How do you do?

Uh, well...

I'm certainly glad to see you.

Yes, I imagine you are.

My, my, that is an old pair, all
right.

They don't make them anymore, you
know.

Yeah, we know, we know.

What museum did you steal them from?

Uh, Mr. Walters,

you can get them off, can't you?

Oh, yes, I think so, Mrs. Ricardo.

I, uh...

Ricardo?

Say, you any relation to that
bandleader

that Ricky Ricardo?

Yes. He's a close relative-- very
close.

Oh, I recognize you now.

You are Ricky Ricardo, aren't you?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, imagine that.

Me and the missus

went to your Tipicany Nightclub

on our th wedding anniversary.

Saw you do that thing with the drum--

that, uh... that, uh...
Bobolink number.

"Babaloo."

Yeah, that's what I said.

Oh, say, wait till I tell the missus.

She'll never believe me.

Look, would you give me your
autograph

so that she'll know that I was here?

Just make it out to Abigail.

Abigail?
Abigail, yes.

Oh, she buys all your records.

She's played that Bobolink number

a million times, I'll bet you.

Told her I was going to get her a
drum for Christmas.

Sweet, sweet.

Oh, she likes you.

Sweet, sweet.

She would rather hear...

Uh, Mr. Walters, the handcuffs?

Oh. Oh, yes, yes.

You know, I'm probably the only
locksmith in America

that has a key to fit these.

Yes, sir.

Now, let's see here.

See what we got.

Uh-huh.

You know, I always had a hankering
for show business.

No.

Won an amateur dance contest once.

No.

My friends all said

that I'd make another Freddie
Astaire.

No.

But what with one thing and another

I finally drifted into the locksmith
game.

No.

But I always figured

that I missed my real calling.

No.

But who knows.

What with...

one of these days with television and
all

I may still get my real break.

No.

None of these fit.

Look, couldn't you file them off?

Oh, no.
That's tempered steel.

You wouldn't want to go through that,
son.

Say, I'll tell you what.

I got a collection of real old
handcuff keys at home--

the only one in existence.

My grandfather started me on it.

Yes, grandy used to say, "Son..."

He called me son even though I was
his grandson, and...

Oh, um... I'll dash on home.

How long will it take?

Oh, I can easily make it in two
hours.

Two hours?!
Two hours?!

Where do you live?

Yonkers.

Oh, I wonder where that locksmith
could be.

He's been gone five hours.

He would be the only one with the
key.

Well, he'd better hurry up.

I'm going to miss the television show
now.

Come on.

Hello? Mr. Walters?

Well, what happened?
What happened?

Oh, no!

What happened?

Well, look, Mr. Walters, don't come
to the apartment.

What happened?
Wait a minute, will you.

Mr. Walters, don't come to the
apartment.

No. Look, go to Television Center,
Studio A.

Studio A.

Meet us there right away, please.

I'm on the air in one hour.

Don't forget now.

Better be there.
All right, good-bye.

What happened?

He had a little trouble getting the
key

and guess why.
Why?

He locked himself out of his house.

Oh.

Come on, will you?

Oh, honey!

Sorry.

Wait a minute.
Oh.

How you doing?

I haven't made a dent.

Oh. I hope the locksmith gets here
quick.

Does the producer know about these
handcuffs?

Nobody saw you come in.

Yeah?

Mr. Ricardo, you're on in two
minutes.

Oh, we might as well tell him.

We'll never make it in time.

Oh, you can't do that.
The producer will k*ll me.

You'll never work this show again.

Well, I don't care if I ever work
this show again.

You don't think I'm going to go on
television

handcuffed to her, do you?

As your agent, I say go on.

Well, as myself, I say no.

Do I get a vote?

No!
No!

All right.

Are you going to cancel, or shall I?

You cancel your %.

My % goes on.

You might as well go on, Ricky.

They'll find out why you're
canceling.

It'll be in the papers.
Oh...

Get on stage, Mr. Ricardo.

All right, all right, we're coming.

Well, come on, will you?

I got a wife and two kids.

All right, come on.

Come on, honey.

Now, listen.

You stand behind me as much as you
can.

No funny stuff now, understand?

Yes, sir.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, that
well-known bandleader

who is currently appearing at the
Tropicana Nightclub,

Ricky Ricardo!

Well...

Hello, Ricky.

How are you?

Well, it's certainly very, very nice

to have you on the show with us.

Well, it's very nice to be here.

Tell me, Ricky, what's new with you?

I hear you've made some exciting
records lately.

Well, uh...

Well, they-they've been going,
they've been going pretty well.

Oh, isn't he modest, folks?

Oh, Ricky, would you, would you tell
us

some of the names of the records?

Some of the names?

Yes.

Well, now, let me see...

uh...

"Yucatan."

Uh-huh.

And, uh...

uh...

"Sinaloa."

Oh, yes.

And now let me think...

"In Santiago, Chile."

Oh. Would you sing "Santiago, Chile"
for us?

Well...
How about it, folks?

Okay, boys, hit it.

Santiago, Chile

Ain't chilly at all

Pay a señorita a sociable call

Her folks are very friendly

They stick around close

From your first "how do you do?"

Till your last "adios"

Santiago, Chile, the fantasy's yours

Sets your heart burning

The temperature soars

So take a friendly warning

And cool down the flame

Unless you want the lady to take your
name

A Chilean moon

Ain't chilly inside

Your heart goes up like fireworks

The fourth of July

The night may be cool

But if you're no fool

Then Chile isn't chilly as a rule

You whisper "Yo te quiero"

At the end of the date

If you're the caballero

She'll take for a mate

In case you are selected

You're lucky, señor

In Santiago, Chile

Ain't chilly anymore

In Santiago, Chile

In Santiago, Chile

In Santiago, Chile

In Santiago, Chile

Ain't chilly at all.