02x07 - The Courtroom

[bunniefuu]

Well, how do I look?

Gee, that's a beautiful dress.

Is it new?
Uh-huh.

I thought I'd get all gussied up
tonight.

You know, it isn't every day that Mr.
and Mrs. Fred Mertz

celebrate their th wedding
anniversary.

That's right.

Gee, that's such a long time.

Years.

Yeah.

years?

Sounds longer when you say it.

Oh, honey, I meant,

you know, being married to Ethel for
years.

It's different with you.

Yeah, don't try to get out of it.

You know, I'd like to see their faces

when they open the present.

You will.
They haven't seen it yet.

I had it delivered up here.

What?

Yeah, I got it in the closet.

In the closet?
Sure.

How we going to get it get it
downstairs?

Oh, don't be silly.

It won't be any trouble at all.

We're going to carry it.

Oh!

What are you doing?

It's so awkward.

I know it's awkward.

Take it easy now.

Oh, Ricky!

It's slipping!

Now, what did you do that for?

I couldn't help it, honey.
It's so heavy.

Why did you have this delivered
upstairs, anyway?

Now, please, please, don't lose your
temper.

We're doing it for the Mertzes.

What's the matter?

Oh, Ricky!
Yeah?

Honey, all the weight's on this end.

It is not.

It is too.

I want to trade places with you.

Okay, put it down.

Come on.

I'll hold it until you get down here.

Can you make it there?

Yeah.

All right, now, watch it.

Now, hold it here while I go up
there.

Yeah, I will.
All right.

Wait a minute.

Okay.
Okay.

Be quiet.
Okay, let's go.

Remember, it's for the Mertzes.

I know it's for the Mertzes.

Are you ready?
Yeah.

Oh, Ricky!
What? What now?

All the weight's on this end.

Well, it can't be on both ends.

Well, it is.

I liked it better up there.

Okay.

Let's trade again.

Okay.

Let me get down there first.

All right, go ahead.

Honey, be careful of the bow.

Be careful with the bow?

Gee, this is a pretty set, isn't it?

Yeah, lovely, lovely set.

All right?

Yeah.

All right, hold it now.

Okay.
Okay.

Take it easy.

Yeah, I'm taking it easy.

All right.
Okay.

Oh, honey, don't go so fast!

Why did you go so fast?

Look, I like to go through the door,

not through the wall, eh?

Let's turn it around here, will you?

What?

Turn it around.
Go around that way.

Be careful.
Be careful of the glass.

I'll be careful of the glass.

Set it down.
Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
I can't...

Set it down there.

Okay.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
I think I got an idea.

Wait a minute.

Where do you think I'm going?

All right, push it up a little bit
now.

I can't get a hold of it.

See if you can push it up now.

Okay.

Oh, there, now you got it.

Yeah, I got it, all right. Yeah.

Ay!

Ay!

Ay!

Gee, we should have thought of this
before.

I should have stayed in Cuba.

Ay!

How you coming?

I'm coming fine.
Put it down there.

Okay.

Be careful now.
Yeah, all right.

And don't be so noisy.

Be quiet.

Be careful with the bow, honey.

Be careful.

Yeah, all right.

All right, never mind, I got it now.

Okay.

Be careful.

Fred, Ethel?

Oh, my gosh.

I guess they aren't home.

Swell.

Well, back we go.

Back we go?

Well, honey, we can't leave it
sitting down here.

We got to take it...

Thank you for a wonderful
evening.

Hide it.

Hide it?

Open your coat.

Oh, wasn't that sweet of Miss Lewis

to give us this little cake?

Happy anniversary!
Happy anniversary!

A television set!

For us?

Yes.

It was worth it.

Let's get it inside and see how it
works.

Well, there you are.

Now, here's to make it dark or light.

I know.

Over here's the channel selector.

Where it's marked "channel selector."

That's right.

Let's see what we get.

How's that?

There's a wavy line right across the
middle.

Wait a minute, I got it.

Honey, that's just making it worse.

Yeah, now it's wavy all over.

Let me try it, will you, Rick?

Fred, will you, please?

You don't know anything about this
set.

I can make it just as wavy as you
can.

Fred, it will have to be adjusted.

Adjusted?
Yes.

What are you going to do with it?

I'll fix it.

I brought this, just in case.

I'll fix this thing right away, boy.

I got to take

the plug first.

Hey, wait, Rick, look at this.

"Danger, high voltage.

Do not remove this back under any
circumstances."

Oh, that's just for people

that don't know anything about these
sets.

Ah, here's the trouble right here,
you see?

These two wires probably came loose

when we were bringing the set
downstairs.

Now, you see this red one here

and the blue one?

They're disconnected.

I'll put them together, see?

And... put them together just like
that.

That ought to do it.

Yeah?

Now we'll plug it in,

and we get ourselves a real picture.

Gee, I hope so.

You wait and see.

Ricky!

Now look what you've done!

You've busted it!

What I've done?

It's the lousy wiring in this
broken-down apartment.

Now just a minute, Ricky.

Everything would have been okay

if you hadn't butted in and tried to
fix it.

Yes!

Oh, Ethel, is that any way to talk to
Ricky?

He was only trying to help.

He helped it, all right.

He ruined our TV set.

What do you mean, your TV set?

We just gave it to you.

Yeah!

Well, a couple of Indian TV givers.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah! Why didn't you just give us the
set

and keep your grubby, Cuban paws off
of it?

He can put his grubby, Cuban paws

any place he wants to.

Stay out of this.

Listen, you ungrateful old goat.

That's the word, ungrateful.

Yeah. This set is just like ours,

and I fixed ours times.

It is not like yours.

Yours works!

Now it's like ours.

Now, listen, you.

You're going to pay for having that
set fixed, Mr. Mertz.

Oh, yeah?

You're going to pay to have our set
fixed,

Mr. Ricardo.

We are not.

You are too.

We are not.

You are too,

or we'll sue you.

Well, we'll see who's going to sue
who.

Yeah, we'll sue who's going to see...

Come on, Fred,

let's go.

Good riddance.

Yeah.

Honey, look at our beautiful set.

Look.

Thanks for the present!

You're welcome!

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, dear.

How did everything go today?

Oh, everything's fine.

That's good.

I spent the whole afternoon

figuring our case against the
Mertzes.

No kidding?
Are we going to sue them?

You're darn right we're going to sue
them,

unless he pays for that set.

What if he sues us first?

They wouldn't dare.

Now, I got the whole thing figured
out, right here.

I'll get it.

All right.

Pardon me, is this the Lewis
apartment?

Oh, no. Mrs. Lewis lives downstairs
in A.

Oh, uh-- Say, haven't I seen you
before?

You're...

you're Ricky Ricardo, aren't you?

Yes.

Oh, gosh, could I have your
autograph?

Sure.

Would you sign it right there?

There you are, my good man.

Here's your autograph.

On second thought, maybe you better
keep it.

A summons!

A summons?

"The City of New York, Mertz v.
Ricardo."

How do you like that?

They are suing us.

Okay, he asked for it.

We better get ourselves a lawyer.

Look, I told you, I got the whole
thing figured out.

Who needs a lawyer?

We do.

Now, look, honey, I don't want any
lawyers lousing us up.

I'm going to do it myself.

Here.

What's this?

This is your onrehearsed,
espontaneous testimony.

My "onrehearsed, espontaneous"
testimony.

Right.

And we don't need a lawyer?

Nope.

How about an interpreter?

Now, let's not try to be funny.

I'm trying to think.

Wait a minute.

Oh, I know, here.

You sit here on this chair.

This is the witness chair.

This is the courtroom here.

Now, let's practice.

Okay.

Now, Mrs. Ricardo, tell us in your
own words

what happened on the night in
question.

Well, we went down to the Mertzes...

No, no, I mean in your own words that
I wrote for you.

Oh.

Uh, "Your Honor,

"my grisly little story starts when
my dear, sweet husband

looks adoringly at Ricky, and I went
to..."

"Looks adoringly at Ricky"?

They are directions, like stage
directions.

I put a lot of them in there.

Oh.

They help point things up.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

"When my dear, sweet husband..."

All right, that's long enough.

Go ahead.

"...and I went to help celebrate the
th wedding anniversary

"of our landlords, and then good
friends

"Mr. And Mrs. Fred Mertz...

Snarls at Mertzes."

Oh, where will they be?

They'll be

right around there.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, that's enough already.

"Little did we dream then that we'd
end up in court...

"before such a handsome

"distinguished, and honorable jurist
as you, Your Honor...

Lift skirts a little higher."

Oh! Really?

Go ahead.

I solemnly swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help
me.

You may be seated.

Proceed.

Now, uh...

what is your name?

You know my name.

Please tell the court your name.

Oh.

Lucy Ricardo.

Lucy Ricardo.

Now, Mrs. Ricardo, in your own words,

please tell the court what happened

in the night in question.

Well, Your Honor, my grisly little
story

starts about three weeks ago

when my dear, sweet husband...

...and I

went to help celebrate the th
wedding anniversary

of our landlords and then good
friends

Mr. and Mrs. Fred Mertz.

Okay, Mrs. Ricardo, please go on.

"Without knowing and in good
faith..."

I object, Your Honor.

The witness has been rehearsed.

Objection sustained.

Proceed, young lady, but remember,

you're on a witness stand.

Yes, sir.

Uh...

In good faith, but not knowing

they were preparing to s*ab us in the
back,

we brought them, as a token of our
esteem

an expensive, -inch television set.

inch!

Little did we dream then

that we would end up in court

in front of such a... handsome,
distinguished

and honorable jurist

as you, Your Honor.

I object, Your Honor.

Objection overruled.

Go on, my dear.

Uh...

Start back with that

"handsome, distinguished, and
honorable jurist."

Oh, yes.

Little did we dream then that we'd
end up in court

before such a handsome, distinguished

and honorable jurist as you, Your
Honor.

Well, Mr. Fred Mertz insisted on
adjusting the set,

and in spite of my husband's repeated
warnings--

and my husband is an electronics
specialist--

uh, Mr. Mertz reached in

and ripped off the back of the set

and suddenly, there was a big
expl*si*n-- poof!

Poof.

And then Mr. Mertz suddenly went out
of his head and ran amok.

And he raced upstairs to our
apartment

and with a fiendish gleam in his eye

and flecks of foam on his lips, he
went straight

to our television set and kicked the
glass in.

And that's what really happened.

Poor Mrs. Ricardo.

Yeah.

I rest my case, Your Honor.

Attorney for the defense,

would you care to cross-examine?

No, thanks, Your Honor.

I just want to call a witness

who'll tell us what really happened.

That will be for the court to decide.

That's all, Lucy.

That's all.

Oh.

Call your witness.

Mrs. Fred Mertz.

Mrs. Fred Mertz.

I heard him.

Raise your right hand and repeat
after me:

I solemnly swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help
me.

I solemnly swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the
truth,

which is more than someone in this
room did, so help me.

You may sit down.

What are you trying to do--

lose the case for us?

Your name, please.

Ethel Mertz.

Tell the court, please, just exactly
what happened

on the night in question.

Well...

on the night of our wedding
anniversary

the Ricardos came down to our
apartment

and forced their company on us
without being invited.

As an excuse for an anniversary
present,

they brought us an old, broken-down,

secondhand television set.

Yes, go on.

Well, the set was playing pretty
good,

which is a miracle in itself, when
suddenly, Mr. Ricardo,

or, as he is more commonly known,

Señor Know-It-All,

took an axe from his pocket and
started hacking it.

It wasn't long before the set
exploded,

and then, this Cuban maniac

forced us all to go to his apartment

and led us to his television set

and with a look of fiendish glee,

picked up my husband's foot and
pushed it

through the glass.

That's exactly what happened,
Your Honor.

Your Honor, I object.

Order, order, order!

Order!

Really!

Well.

There would seem to be

some slight discrepancy in your
stories.

I think the only way we can get at
the truth of this

is to reenact the scene.

Bailiff, will you go into my chambers

and bring out my television set?

Yes, Your Honor.

Now, then, before we reenact this,

I want to warn you all that this is a
court of law.

You are under oath.

And the penalty for perjury is $
or days in jail.

Ew...

That's right.

Bring it right through.

Now, Mrs. Ricardo, will you show me

exactly how Mr. Mertz pushed your
husband out of the way

and ripped the back of the set off?

Well...

Your Honor...

now that I think of it, maybe it was
Ricky

that took off the back of the set.

Really?

Well, now that she thinks of it,
yeah.

Yeah!

Now, Mrs. Mertz,

I want you to go over there

and show me exactly what happened.

Just where did Mr. Ricardo hit the
set with the axe?

Um...

now that I...

I don't think it was exactly an axe.

It was more like a sort of a
screwdriver.

And then what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

There was a couple of loose wires

in the back of this television set--

a red one and a blue one--

and this dope tried to put them
together.

Well, they're supposed to be
together.

They are not supposed to be
together.

Look at this set here...

Hey, Your Honor, they're loose here
too.

They are?

The red and the blue.

Let me see.

Pardon me.

Oh, well, just putting these two
wires together

couldn't cause an expl*si*n.

Maybe it couldn't, but it did.

Now, now, just a minute.

I happen to know something about
television sets myself,

and I know positively

that this could never cause an
expl*si*n.

You must have done something else.

Did you?

Well, sir, with him yelling at me all
the time...

Yeah, he never shut his mouth.

Quiet! Quiet!

Now, look, all four of you.

Now, this was obviously

just one of those misunderstandings
among friends.

Now, I want you all to go into my
chambers

and talk this over and apologize to
each other.

After all, good friends are worth

more than the price of a television
set.

Now, go on.

Take them in, Bailiff.

And when you come out

I want you all to be pals again.

This way, please.

You were right, Judge.

Good friends are worth more

than the price of a television set.

Yeah, Judge, we apologized all
around,

and everything's just dandy now.

Yes, sir. We are going to pay for
their set,

and they're going to pay for our set.

Ah, that's wonderful, wonderful.

Thank you very much.

You've sure been nice.

Not at all.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Judge.

Now, let this be a lesson

to all of us.

We must never lose our tempers.

Good-bye.

We remember.

Thank you, Judge.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, Judge.