02x02 - Father of the Bribe

[bunniefuu]

Sydney: Point in line, advance, lunge!

Point in line, advance, lunge!

Please. I come in peace...

with din-din!

Wow, Syd. You've really gotten good.

Well, I am trying out
for the girls fencing team.

You're trying out
for the girls fencing team?

There's a girls fencing team?

I know. Isn't it cool?

All the girls taking it in PE
asked the school to start one.

And they just said yes?

Well, we were holding swords.

Everyone, I have news.

Big news, that could change
my entire college experience.

What is it?

A parking spot opened up
in front of the main building.

I hear that's what kept
Einstein from dropping out.

You don't get it, old dude.

My parking spot now is,
legit, a mile away.

But there's a student ahead
of me on the wait list.

So I have to convince
the kid in Transportation

to give the spot to me!

So, what's your plan?

(chuckling) I have my charms.

Seriously, what's your plan?

You're right. I have to rethink.

(knocking)

Olive, what's with the vest?

You look like you're about to
climb down a manhole.

Syd, I was at school
at a Safety Club meeting,

and saw the sign-up sheets
for the Fencing Team.

Tons of girls are trying out!

What? I didn't know
so many girls were into fencing!

It's probably because
they all read Lady of the Sword

and want to be Katlyn.

What's Lady of the Sword ? Who's Katlyn?

Why do -year-olds
always know more than I do?

Lady of the Sword is the best book ever.

And Katlyn is its sword-wielding heroine.

Personally I identify
with her trusted advisor:

a wise, thousand-year-old owl named...

(in British accent) ...Felonious.

If I'm gonna make that team,
I better bring it.

Hey, uh, Syd?

Let me know if you need
someone to... practice with!

On second thought,
I'd better start dinner.

(theme music playing)

♪ Do do, do do do do ♪

♪ Like father, like daughter
we don't always agree ♪

♪ But looking at you
is like looking at me ♪

♪ The more things change
the more they stay the same ♪

♪ Like father, like daughter
from different times ♪

♪ Taking all the best
from your decade and mine ♪

♪ The more things change ♪

♪ The more they stay the same ♪

♪ Do do, do do do do ♪

♪ Do do ♪

♪ The more they stay the same ♪

Wow! There are even more girls trying out
than I thought!

Okay, girls, huddle up!

I'm Coach Carlock!

And I have great news!

I just found out, Franklin across town,

is also starting a girls fencing team.

So, you know what that means?

That we have another team to play against?

No...

to crush!

So, let's get started!

All right!

I'm gonna call you up two at a time.

See what you got!

Good. This'll give me time
to mentally prepare.

-Sydney Reynolds!
-Guess I'm prepared.

And Hannah Watson!

All right. Take your places.

Good to go?

-Yep.
-All good.

All right. Now, this isn't a match.

So, let's just have some fun.

Ready, fence!

(metallic clinking)

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I love this thing!

Good protection
and doubles as a pasta strainer!

-(metal scraping)
-(grunting)

Put her in a half nelson!
Put her in a half nelson!

Huh?

Sorry. I also coach wrestling.

Continue.

Hey, Mom!

Whassuuup?

Whassuuup?

Shh! I'm on the phone with my boss.

That's too bad about
your son's bar mitzvah, Marlene,

but I don't know any videographers
that could fill in.

We'll do it, Mom! Me!

Us! We'll do it!

Nope! Don't know a soul.

Okay! See you at work.

Mom! You know we want to start
a videography business.

Why didn't you recommend me?

So you expect me to recommend you,

even though you have no experience,
and you're years old,

just because you're my son?

-Yes!
-No!

I saw that trap coming!

Max, this is my boss.

You're not asking me to get you a job,

you're asking me to lose mine.

Which brings us to the end
of this conversation.

Good talk. Keep in touch.

This could've finally been our big break!

I know I'm only ,

but I already feel the clock ticking.

Man, I wish we had a way to call
my mom's boss back and ask for the job.

That's it! We can dial star- .

It calls back the last person
that called you.

Wait, I just remembered.

It costs cents.

So?

The phone bill doesn't come for a month!

That's Future Max's problem!

(clicking)

(in deep voice)
Hi, I'm a professional videographer.

Judy Reynolds recommended we call.

(normal voice) She wants to meet us!

(in deep voice)
Yeah, yeah, tomorrow's good.

Anytime after school--

I mean, work!

I just know that I could've
done better today!

All the coach said about me was...

(monotone)
"Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh."

Syd, please tell me you're still not
obsessing about your try-out.

I'm sure you did great!

Okay! Time to get that parking spot!

You know, I almost wore
that exact outfit today!

Then I realized, I'm not crazy.

No, I did a deep dive on social media.

It turns out Miles Dowaliby
in the Transpo Office

is obsessed with cats!

Not surprisingly,
he still lives with his mother.

Oh. Sorry, Max.

You know, why don't
you two go to the mall,

and you try to get your mind
off the try-outs?

I don't think empty consumerism
is gonna take my mind off of this.

-Here's my credit card.
-It's worth a try.

Max: Mm-hmm.

Ah! Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm looking for a new bike.

Need to stay in top shape
to keep up with my kids.

-How many do you have?
-Thirty.

Thirty?

Wow, you really are in top shape!

(chuckles) No.
No, by "kids," I mean students.

I coach over at Clara Barton Middle.

-Is that right? What do you coach?
-Fencing. Wrestling.

Badminton.

You know, as chance would have it,
my daughter, Sydney,

tried out for the fencing team today.

So, how'd she do? She make the team?

Well, I haven't made any decisions yet.

Well, I don't mean to brag, but, uh...
Sydney's quite the talented fencer.

Just the other day, she knocked a baguette
right outta my hand.

Need I say more?

I'm good.

Oh, wow!

Wow! This Trailblazer X is a beaut!

Oh, but way out of my price range.

You know, it might not be

after I apply the % off
Family and Friends discount.

Well, I'm not family or friends.

No, Coach.

The way you dedicate your life
to those kids, you're a hero.

Actually, more of a super-hero.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Oh, I don't know.

Look, you're being very generous, but...

No "buts"!
I'll be insulted if you don't take it.

-Okay, I'm taking it!
-Great!

Dad, guess what! I made the fencing team!

What? Congratulations, honey!

(chuckles) You made the team!

You made the team!

Dad?

Guess I'll do my big finish
in the storeroom.

Hey! Where's the Trailblazer X ?

I, uh, sold it yesterday.

Get out! That bike's a fortune!
Who bought it?

You know, I, uh...

I don't remember.

You don't remember who you sold
the most expensive bike in the store to?

Frank Carlock?

You sold the bike to my fencing coach?

At % off?

Did I? So much happened today!

The smoothie machine jammed.

-And I found a dollar under the--
-Dad!

You bribed my way onto the team!

What?
I just did something nice for your coach.

Who, in turn, did a nice thing for you.

Put your daughter on the team.

Sydney.

You know who you didn't do
a nice thing for?

Me.

Hey, Syd.

How much longer you gonna
go on without talking to me?

How could you bribe my coach, Dad?

I guess I got my answer.

I'm sorry.
I was just trying to give you a leg up.

But why? Don't you believe in me?

Don't you think I'm good
enough to be on the team?

Of course I do, I just--

I know how much you wanted it.

Nothing makes me happier
than seeing you happy.

I'd rather be disappointed
not getting on the team

than feel like I didn't earn it.

What are you gonna do
when I apply to college?

Send a bike with each application?

I know! I know. I messed up,

and I'm so, so sorry.

I got your text!

Congratulations!
You made the fencing team!

Why is this a one-way hug?

It's my fault. I may have
influenced Sydney's coach

by giving him a discount on a bike.

I can't believe it. Who raised you--

Well, I'm sure she tried her best.

And now I don't know
if I deserve to be on the team.

Should I quit? Should I not quit?

Do I get a vote?

Both: No!

Well, I have a parking spot to land.

What happened with your kitty cat caper?

Total bust.

It turns out,
I found the wrong Miles Dowaliby.

This one hates cats,

thinks they're secretly witches.

That dude watches too much TV.

Well, I hope you learned your lesson.

I did. I need to up my game.

The real Miles Dowaliby
loves national monuments,

his dog, his mother,

and velociraptors.

So I paid an art student to paint this.

How is you giving him a present different
than me giving Coach Carlock a discount?

How is it different? How is it different?

Max, I want you to think long and hard
about how it is different.

And when you have an answer,

let me know.

Oh. Sorry, kids.

If you're looking for
the little boys room, it's up the hall.

No, Mrs. Silverman.

I'm Maxwell
and this is my associate, Leonard.

We're the videographers
you talked to on the phone.

Are you telling me
you two make videos for Judy Reynolds?

We film all of her birthdays.

Even her son's.

Oh, and by the way,
what a handsome, charming boy.

Sorry, this isn't gonna work.

You're kids.

I've got shoes older than you.

But who better to film
a kid's party than a kid?

Yeah, we know what they're into.

Let me guess, Adam.

Video games, milkshakes,
and anything that explodes?

You so get me.

I want them, Mom.

Well, I am desperate,

and have absolutely no other options.

None.

(whispering) I like where this is going.

Fine. You're hired.

Let's talk about your fee.

Whatever her first offer is, turn it down.

Remember, poker face.

-The job pays $ .
-You're crazy!

He means we'll take it.

There you are.

So, what are you gonna do
about the fencing team?

Are you staying or quitting?

Well, since I still don't know for sure
if the you-know-what made the difference--

-You mean the bribe?
-Bup-bup-bup!

Staying.

I'm gonna work my butt off
and prove to myself

that I deserve to be on it.

Oh, hey, Hannah.

Looks like you and I
are gonna be teammates.

What are you talking about?
I didn't make the team.

-You didn't?
-No.

Coach said I just missed the cut.

It stinks.

Oh, no, I thought Hannah
was better than me at tryouts.

What if I took her spot
because of what my dad did?

-You mean the bribe?
-Would you stop it?

Hannah?

I want you to have
my spot on the fencing team.

What? Why would you give your spot to me?

Because I think you deserve it.

No, thanks.

I want to be on the team
because I earned it,

not because someone did me a favor.

Yeah, there's a lot of that going around.

I know.

Why don't we let Coach decide?

Coach Carlock?

I want to give Hannah
my spot on the fencing team.

Why would you do that?

Because...

I think she might be
a teensie, weensie bit better than me

and I want to...
(in deep voice) ...crush Franklin!

Ooh! I like that attitude.

But I don't want it just given to me.

How 'bout Hannah and I try out again?

A real match-- winner gets the spot.

You good with this, Hannah?

Bring it on.

All right.

Then I'll see you two
tomorrow before practice.

Oh! I am pumped!

Dad! Dad! Guess what?

Coach Carlock agreed to another tryout

between Syd and another girl
who almost made the team.

Oh! Sorry,
Sydney has something to tell you.

Syd, how'd you get him to agree?

I spoke coach.

(in deep voice) "Winners, losers,

crush Franklin, rah, rah, rah! "

But, honey, what if you lose?

Well, at least I'll know
whether I belong on the team or not.

Wow, Syd. I'm impressed.

And don't worry. I will never again
try to give you an unfair advantage.

No more favors.
Disappointments are part of life.

And I got to let you go through them.

No matter how difficult
it is to see my little girl...

Uh, Dad?

Happy Dad's back.

Max! Syd! Olive!

People I don't care about!

I got the parking spot!

-Congratulations!
-This calls for a smoothie-bration!

Hey, Coach. What can I do for you?

Afraid I gotta return the bike.

My wife reminded me we needed the money
for a new water heater.

Sure thing. Just need to see the receipt.
Store policy.

Yeah, man, I can't find it.

-No problem.
-Ah, thanks.

Appreciate the favor.

Favor, huh?

Um, actually, you know,
there is a problem.

No receipt, no return.

What?

I just bought it two days ago.

Yeah, but I can't give you
special treatment

just because you're my daughter's coach.

Uh, whatever happened
to "friends and family"?

You called me a hero!

Heroes keep receipts.

Syd, is that Coach Carlock
arguing with your dad?

Come on, man, give me a break!

-Oh, no.
-Max: Sorry, can't do it.

I will never step foot
in this place again.

Dad, what's going on?

You'll be so proud of me, Syd.

Your coach wanted to return
the bike without a receipt,

but no special favors, right?

What have you done?

Now the coach is so mad,
he's gonna take it out on me.

But I was just trying to
not give you a leg up.

But now you've given me a leg down.

Why can't you just
leave my leg in neutral?

And... action.

I'm standing here with
the star of the evening,

Adam, the bar mitzvah boy.

Now, Adam, tell me,
how does it feel to be a man?

It's okay.

Did you hear that? He's okay!

Max, we got a problem!

The kid's miserable.

Go to the chocolate fountain!

I'd love to, but what
should I do with Adam?

With Adam. With Adam!

Adam? Let's get a sh*t of you

tasting the chocolate fountain
for the first time.

-Really? Cool!
-Yeah!

Adam! What do you think you're doing?

You're gonna get that chocolate
all over your nice white jacket.

I'm only wearing it because you made me.

And you look so handsome.

Now go straighten your Aunt Ethel's wig

and ask her to dance.

And smile!

Would it k*ll you to smile?

This party stinks.

My mom won't let me have any fun.

Don't worry. I'll edit that out.

Judy!

Oh, hi, Marlene.

Oh, my gosh, everything is so beautiful.

I'm not just saying that
because you're my boss.

Yes, you are.

Can't it be both?

Thanks. Only took me a year to plan it.

And my son's acting like
it's the worst night of his life.

Well, this is the best night of my life.

We get it, Judy.

Hey, I'm sorry about
the last-minute invite.

But it was the least I could do
after you recommended those videographers.

What videographers?

Hey, Leo.
Let's get a sh*t of the dance floor.

(both scream)

Mom, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I don't know how you got this job,

but if you lose it,
it's going to cost me mine.

That's why I'm going to be
next to you every single minute.

Actually, we're not looking for a partner.

But what do you know? We found one.

(nervous chuckle)

I'm never gonna make the team now.

Not after my dad ticked off the coach.

Don't worry.
He's not gonna take it out on you.

-Hi, Coach!
-Uh-huh.

Okay, before we start practice,

we're gonna have one more tryout

between Hannah Watson and Sydney Reynolds.

Whoo whoo!

Are you gonna be trouble?

No. I'm with emergency preparedness.

I'm here to stop trouble.

Anyway... okay.

First one to five points wins the match.

All right. Girls, take your places.

You got this.

-Good luck.
-May the best fencer win.

Ready? Fence!

(metal clinking)

Point! Watson.

Come on, Syd.

Ready? Fence!

(metal clinking)

Yes!

Coach, I just scored a point.
Why didn't you call it?

Because it wasn't a point.

You never established point of line.

-But--
-Penalty! Reynolds.

What? Why?

Arguing with a call.

Point, Watson. That's two, zip.

Oh, no.

Ready? Fence!

(metal clinking)

Point! Reynolds.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Back to you, Coach!

Okay, top five things on the kids buffet.

Go!

You're spending too much time on the kids.
Film the cousins' table!

Okay, let me get in position.

Oh, go get the grandparents
on the dance floor!

It could be their final dance...

...of the evening!

Oh, my boss is talking to her sister!

Get that, Leo. Get that!

You told me to get the grandparents!

What story are we telling?

Give me that. I will do it myself.

-Oh!
-(crowd gasps)

(gasps)

Oh, no! I am so fired.

No, you're not!

Adam!

Your suit is ruined!

I am so sorry!

It's all my fault.

Because of you, he's covered in chocolate!

Adam! Adam!

Crowd: Adam! Adam!

-Adam!
-Who wants chocolate?

It's on me!

(all laughing)

Look, he's smiling!

He's finally having a good time!

-Are you getting this?
-I'm all over it!

Maxwell, Leonard, thank you.

You really saved Adam's big day.

Well, let's not forget
who recommended them.

And truth be told,
Max happens to be my son.

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted him to earn it on his own and...

I guess he did.

Well, you got a good kid there, Judy.

Mom, anything you wanna say to us?

Yes.

I'm sorry I almost ruined your first job.

Leo, are you getting this?
She's apologizing!

Now let's talk about you
going behind my back.

Don't worry. I'll edit this part out.

(metal clinking)

-(Sydney grunts)
-Point! Watson.

The score is tied. Four a-piece.

Next point wins.

I can't watch!

Ready? Fence!

(metal clinking)

Point and match, Reynolds!

-She wins!
-(applause)

No doubt about it now.
You definitely belong on the team.

I guess I really do!

Great match, Sydney.

You too, Hannah.

Congratulations, Sydney.
Welcome to the team.

Thanks, Coach, but...

I don't want the spot unless
Hannah's on the team, too.

If I earned it, she earned it.

Don't worry. Watson's on the team, too.

-I am?
-Yeah, Charlotte quit this morning

and joined the badminton team.

Who gives up a sword for a skinny racket?

So why'd you have us
go ahead with the match?

'Cause I love the hot liquid
soul-fire of competition!

And now, we can...

All: Crush Franklin!

Hey, Syd, you already made the team.
Don't you wanna take a break?

Did you say something, Dad?

Wait, if that's you, who's...?

(in British accent) It is I...

Katlyn's twin sister, Matlyn.

I had been turned into an owl
by an evil sorcerer.

But how? Why?

Dad, read the book.
Otherwise, we're gonna be here all day.

The walk from my car to class
is k*lling me.

My dogs are barking so bad,
I think they might have rabies.

You changed your mind
and gave up your parking spot, didn't you?

No comment!

I'm proud of you, Grandma.

No, I'm proud of you, Noodle.

You set such a great example.

Now I just have to figure out
what I'm gonna do with this.

Why don't you just throw it out?

Hey! I paid good money for this.

Is that a raptor?

Okay! Now it's garbage.

Do do, do do do do

Do do

Do do, do do do do

Do do

Do do, do do do do

Do do

Do do, do do do do

Do do

Man: Oh, yeah.