03x18 - Val's Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

Fran, what are we doing here?

The guys that come to this coffee shop

already got girls they
picked up at the club.

Honey, that's why you and I are shoo-ins.

You know what those chicks are
gonna look like under these lights

with their big hair and gaudy
dresses and overly done makeup?

A couple of hookers, that's what.

Oh, I'm never gonna meet anybody.

I'm such a loser.

Val, you're your own worst enemy.

And anytime now a guy can
come up to you and say hi.

Hi.

Do you mind? We're talking here.

Hey, could I get your name and number?

Why? Was that your Porsche
we hit in the front?

What Porsche?

Oh, nothing.

Are you actually making a move on Val?

Uh...

Yeah.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, Val, you see.

I told you it was gonna happen.

The three-year drought is over.

You're not gonna be an old maid!

All right, play hard-to-get.

* She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

Maxwell, I have some samples to
show you for our new business cards.

There's this one...

No. You go ahead and pick one, C.C.

You know I really don't
care about this sort of...

Sheffield should be bigger.

I agree.

That's why I think we
should go with this one.

Fine. Move your thumb.

(EXCLAIMS)

The other one.

"Sheffield-Babcock Productions"?

Yes, Maxwell.

I think it's time I got some recognition.

I perform a very important
function around here.

Oh, that's true, sir.

That couch would be
floating all over the room

if she weren't here to hold it down.

Maxwell, this partnership discussion

is long overdue, and you always
find a way of avoiding it.

Oh, that's absurd, C.C.

I certainly don't try to avoid...

Oh, Miss Fine. Do come in.

I didn't break it.

Break what?

Uh, my diet?

Come, sit. Sit, sit, sit.

So how is that wacky family of yours, eh?

Oh, well, let's see.

Oh, you know, they
scrambled the Spice Channel

at Grandma Yetta's retirement home.

Two freak pregnancies.

And you know Ma's mole,

the one that kept changing colors?

Well, thank God, nothing.

Doctor called it a mood mole.

Dad wasn't so lucky, though.

You know that burning sensation he has...

Shut up!

He doesn't really care.

He is just listening to your blather

to avoid talking to me.

Well!

Anywho, the burning sensation...

Nanny Fine, wouldn't you rather share this

mindless dribble with your friend Val?

Well, yes, I would.

But Val's not around
much these days ever since

she found herself a boyfriend.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, no, it's true. It's true.

Val has a life, and I don't.

It's a world gone mad.

It's like when Rhoda
got married before Mary.

Oh, poor Nanny Fine.

Would you like a nice cup of tea?

Oh, you know, that would be very nice.

Good. Get me one with lemon, too.

God, how do I put up with that woman,

not to mention the
remains of decay over here?

C.C., I founded this company
when I was years old,

and I am not about to give half of it away.

Without me, there would be no

Maxwell Sheffield Productions.

Niles, would you leave
us alone for a moment?

Oh, certainly, sir. I'm almost done.

Now, look, C.C.

I had already produced
seven shows in England

before you became my secretary!

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, I forgot about those seven shows.

What did the critics call them?

"Sleepy," "Dopey," "Lousy," and "Closey"?

All right, C.C. If you're unhappy here,

please don't let me stand in your way.

Fine. If that's the way you feel, I quit!

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah!

Well, why didn't you say something?

I'm sorry, sir. I just... I
just got so excited. I mean,

she said... and then... then you
said... and when she said, "I quit,"

well, I... I... I just wanted to roll
over, light up, and watch Letterman.

Dad, is Fran here?

- No.
- Oh, thank God.

First, she makes me go
with her to buy some shoes.

I'm sorry. But those people deserve medals.

Then we went to get a facial.

I'm combination skin,
should it ever come up.

And then I had to sit
through A Star is Born,

both Barbra and Judy's version.

Dad, she's turning me into Val.

(SOBBING)

Brighton,

Yentl...

on laser disc.

♪ Brighton, can you hear me? ♪

No!

Look, Miss Fine, I know
you're going through

a very difficult stage right now,

and I can't possibly fill Val's shoes.

Well, unfortunately for her, you can.

Well, I'm not busy.

How about I be your best friend tonight?

Come on, what... what would
you and Val do together?

Uh...

make out.

Miss Fine...

Well, sometimes we file our nails,

and we talk about our fantasies, you know,

when our parents are gonna move to Florida,

Haagen-Dazs, burning fat.

You know, the usual.

Well, I have fantasies, too, you know.

Cats closing.

Phantom closing. Sunset Boulevard closing.

And, you know, then, sometimes
we fantasize about men.

How about you?

Well, I did once have a dream
about that chap in Wings.

Ah, you know, um,

I... I think this is, uh, getting
a little too intimate for me.

I'm, uh, I'm gonna go
and watch some sports.

Miss Toriello is here.

Oh, Val, you broke up with Pauly?

Oh, you know, it's
probably all for the best.

I thought that he was the biggest...

Oh, hi, Pauly.

Hey.

Hi.

Fran, I just gotta use the bathroom.

Yeah. We could have went to Orange Julius,

but they make you buy something.

Okay, go, go.

Oh.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, you kids make such a cute couple.

You know, we should double sometime.

Sure.

- Maybe you could dig someone up for me.
- Yeah.

Like you need any help getting fixed up.

I was just pulling your leg.

Got any brothers?

Fran, I tell you,

I've been waiting for someone
like Val for a long time.

Oh, that's really sweet, Pauly.

You know, I'm very
happy for the two of you.

I know we're all gonna be great friends.

Ah, C.C.,

come crawling back?

Actually, Maxwell, I'm in
negotiations with Marvin Hamlisch.

You know him. You met
him at the awards dinner,

when he got the Tony and
you got the onion soup.

Anyway, we're forming a company.

- Oh, really? You and Marvin, eh?
- Uh-huh.

So what's it to be, Bablisch Productions

or simply Hamcock?

(CHUCKLING)

Well, I'd love to stay and chat,

but I just dropped by to get my things.

It's gonna take me forever to
pack up and get out of here.

(SCATTING)

God, Niles, I can't get into my office.

Scripts are piled to the bloody ceiling.

Where do they all come from?

Young, starving writers, sir,

scraping together the $

to postmark the opus they pray

will rescue them from their squalor.

C.C. reads all of them?

No. She throws them out.

She was more valuable to me than I thought.

Oh, true, sir. People
with pets live longer.

Oh, God, that would have
gotten you, eh, old girl?

Niles, is it possible you
actually miss Miss Babcock

and that you're substituting
food for insulting her?

Oh, that is ridiculous, sir.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What happened to that
quart of Chunky Monkey

that was behind the peas?

Been there, done that.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I don't know what to do.

Val's new boyfriend made a pass at me.

Well, perhaps you just
imagined the whole thing.

I most certainly did
not. Now, come over here.

I'm gonna show you exactly what happened.

Put your arms around me.

Okay. Normal, normal, normal.

How do you do?

Are you sure he held you
like this for this long?

Well, I'm taking a little dramatic license.

I mean, it is a re-enactment
of an actual event.

Miss Fine, isn't it possible you just

backed into a drawer or something?

Look, if a drawer could do that,

I'd be living at Ethan Allen's.

Maybe... maybe you're just
jealous of the relationship

and wanted to break them up.

I don't have a jealous bone in my body.

That's completely against my personality.

Ah, yes, but sometimes when
you're facing a void in life,

you do, well, pretty strange things.

Yeah. You have been acting
a little weird lately.

Oh, you're right. I know you're right.

I just need a new best friend.

Yeah. Boy, I could sure use
a good zing at Miss Babcock.

You know, when I was a kid

and our dog d*ed, we got a new one.

That's what I need, a new dog.

Hello. Hello.

(MUMBLING)

Well, C.C., long time no see.

You know, now that you've quit,

you're much more punctual than you
were when you were getting paid.

Perhaps I should fire you.

Excuse me!

But she happens to commute here.

I live here.

Oh!

I just came by to drop off these
contracts that were at my house.

Miss Babcock, look, you're on
the cover of the Inquisitor.

Oh, how did that get in there?

Oh, my God.

"Miracle dog lands plane." Listen to this.

"Peppy, Peppy the Chihuahua... "

Below the dog with the goggles, Maxwell!

Me and Marvin Hamlisch, right there.

Oh, well, C.C., seems
congratulations are in order.

You're in good company.

Well, Marvin Hamlisch is an institution.

I meant Peppy.

Miss Babcock, I was
wondering if you'd like to...

Love to.

Well, you didn't even
know what I was gonna...

- My treat.
- Okay.

Gee, I'm famished.

We'll have so much to
talk about. It'll be great.

Like what?

Uh...

We'll drink. We'll drink.

You've had sushi before,
haven't you, Nanny Fine?

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Smells like fish here.

Oh, look, samples.

Tastes a little rubbery.

You're eating the display.

Oh, my God.

I'm turning into my mother.

You know, once she ate a
half of a plastic Oreo cookie

before she realized it
was a refrigerator magnet.

Miss Babcock, did you ever think

that a guy was coming on to you

and it turned out that he really
had no interest in you at all?

Oh, happens to me all the time.

(EXCLAIMING)

So, what's the green stuff?

It's wasabi. It's like
mustard. Gives it a real kick.

Ooh, I love mustard.

So, tell me,

how's working with Marvin Hamlisch?

How should I know? I never met the man.

Well, what about that picture in the paper?

Oh, Nanny Fine, I know the editor.

The entire cover was a fake.

You mean, Peppy didn't fly the plane?

Nanny Fine, you've got to help me.

You have to get Maxwell to ask me back.

Please, Nanny Fine, you've
just got to do this for me,

for old time's sake.

We go way back.

Remember that time you
ate the rubber shrimp?

Gee,

you know, that mustard really
clears up the nasal passages.

I like it.

I wonder how long it's gonna last?

What's the matter, Mr. Sheffield?

Miss Fine, it's no good.

I... I just can't be genuinely
insincere the way Miss Babcock is.

I tried calling everyone
"sweetie darling" like she does.

Now Harvey Fierstein's making
pesto for me on Thursday.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

why don't you and Miss
Babcock bury the hatchet?

Ask her back. Then you could
take her to the benefit tomorrow.

Actually, Miss Fine, I was
just thinking about asking you.

Okay. I can't worry about the world.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, I'll get that. It's for me.

- Oh, hi, Pauly.
- Hey, Fran.

Where's Val?

Oh, she stepped in some dog doo

so she went to buy a lottery ticket.

Well, actually, I'm glad that we
have a minute together because...

I just wanted to tell you...
you know the other night

when I accidentally tripped you

and you fell on the floor and
I then stepped on your hand?

Hey, no problem.

Well, it wasn't exactly an accident.

No kidding?

What about the hot soup?

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

What about the...

Let's not belabor this.

The point is, is that, well,
the other day when you hugged me,

I kind of thought that
you were coming on to me,

and now I realize that I was probably

just jealous of Val having a...

Hey, Fran, say no more.

I just want us all to be good friends.

Me, too.

Pauly!

Val!

- This is not what it looks like.
- Yeah.

Well, it looks like you're
kissing my best friend.

Okay. I was wrong. This is very similar.

But she kissed me.

Oh, Pauly, you better tell the truth

or you're gonna be walking funny.

I'm thinking that you've
been in this situation before.

Now get out of here!

- I never want to see you again.
- Get out!

- Get out! Get out!
- Oh, what a slime.

- Lowlife.
- What a sleaze.

Some hell of a kisser, huh?

Wasn't he?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, I'll get it!

I'm coming.

Oh, Miss Babcock, you look fabulous.

What are you doing here?

You called me.

You told me you had a plan to
get me and Maxwell back together.

You told me to get dressed
up and get over here!

Oh, that was tonight? Ah, psyched you out.

C.C., what are you doing here?

Well, she came to pick up
the tickets for the benefit.

Good! I mean, yes.

But she can't stay long because

Marvin Hamlisch is waiting in the limo.

That's right. Marvin Ham... huh?

Why don't you invite him in?

Yeah. Why don't you go invite him in?

I can't, Nanny Fine,

because he's in the car
talking on the car phone to...

C.C.

Hello, Marvin Hamlisch.

Oh, Mr. Hamlisch, I'm
one of your biggest fans.

- Can you send me an autographed picture?
- Of course.

Just have her write, "To
Fran, Love Barbra Streisand."

Maxwell...

Maxwell, I can't imagine why you'd let

this woman go, but your loss is my gain.

(SHUSHING) How did you...

Excuse me, sir. It's Harvey Fierstein

regarding the pesto.

Can you digest pine nuts?

Oh, my God!

You know what, Harv,
put his nuts on the side.

Oh, God, C.C., please, please,

you have to come back. Look, I'll...
I'll make you executive vice president

and give you two full
points in the company.

I'm afraid I can't come back for anything

than an equal partnership, Maxwell.

Sorry, C.C., I can't do that.

Kidding!

Come on, C.C., we've got
some backers to schmooze.

No hard feelings, hey, Marv?

Good luck with your new show.

I smell a Tony.

Well, then, you should
have showered after he left.

(SIGHS)

Welcome back.

So, tell me, would you like a drink?

- I'd love it.
- Okay.

Oh, Mr. Hamlisch, I'm such a big fan.

Do you know, I saw A Chorus Line nine...

Save it, Niles.

This is Alan Neider,

my music teacher from
Hillcrest High School.

Isn't he a dead ringer for Marvin Hamlisch?

I don't see it.

Oh, I'll tell you, it is so pathetic,

the poor guy living in
the shadow of a genius.

No real talent himself.

Sad, isn't it?