03x21 - Where's the Pearls?

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Niles, good.

Look, I know it's your day
off, but I need you to work.

I need you to run this ad copy

- down to John Kennedy's office for me.
- All right.

John John?

You know, it's his day off.

Would you stop being such a sl*ve driver?

I'll take it to him.

And what's more, I'll make sure

that John John signs for it personally.

Oh, that isn't necessary, Miss Fine.

Oh, yes, it is.

Who's coming over?

Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, beautifully ex*cuted, sir.

- Where's Mr. Kennedy?
- In Singapore.

Think she'll wait for him?

Very good, sir. Very, very good.

Boys, boys, boys.

Now, do you think that my mother

gave birth to a dummy years ago?

You two wouldn't let me near
George Kennedy, let alone John.

Now who's coming over here?

Well, it doesn't really matter, Miss Fine,

because you are not going
to meet her, him or it.

Oh, you know, I cannot believe
that you don't trust me.

I mean, I sit here cooped
up in the house all day long.

You never introduce me to any
of the stars that you know.

You never let me in any of your shows.

I have a good mind to go
get Little Ricky and, oh...

Nanny Fine,

I need you to drop off this script

to Antonio Banderas.

Forget it, Miss Babcock.

I already know who's coming
over here this afternoon.

- C.C...
- You told her about Elizabeth Taylor?

No. You did.

Oh, Elizabeth Taylor!

Oh, when I was a little girl,

my mother would dress me
up like her for Halloween.

All that big dark hair and dramatic makeup,

tight little dress.

(SIGHING) Oh, I'll tell you,

the things you can get
away with when you're a kid.

* She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

Oh, it's so nice to meet you, Miss Taylor.

(SIGHS)

Perfect.

Maxwell, Nanny Fine's in the living room!

(SHUSHING)

Miss Fine!

I'm just seeing the kids off to school.

They left an hour ago.

Well, it's a clear day. I can see forever.

Miss Fine, what are the rules?

Niles, and only Niles,
is to answer the door.

I'm to stay away from your office,

and I'm forbidden to create a diversion

such as setting a small
but containable fire.

And no staged emergencies
with the children either.

Oh, come on.

Help! I think I broke my arm.

Save it, honey. We've been busted.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Elizabeth Taylor.

(THUDDING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, Elizabeth Taylor.

This is such an honor.

I'm Fran. Look at the pretty table.

Keep looking.

Keep looking.

Oh, forget it.

Miss Fine.

(GROWLING)

So, are you Maxwell's wife?

Oh, no. I just work for him.

Actually, I've never been married.

Not even once?

Well, you know, there was one time,

but then I thought about it...

(LAUGHING) That was your mistake, dear.

Shouldn't you tell Maxwell I'm here?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Sure.

You know what? I'll just buzz him.

Just buzz him.

Buzz, buzz.

Oh, Miss Taylor, I have seen
everything that you've ever done.

Cleopatra, Virginia Woolf.

But you know what my favorite was?

Here's Lucy.

Oh, I'll tell you, when your ring

got stuck on her finger...

You know, I bet you a lot
of people ask you this,

- but could I just...
- No.

Okay. Well, I'll just go hang up your coat.

Ma!

What are you doing here?

The boy let me in.

I've got to meet Elizabeth Taylor!

Excuse me!

Over my dead body.

SYLVIA: If I could meet Elizabeth Taylor,

I could retire in Florida tomorrow.

Miss Taylor, I'd like
you to meet my mother.

Sylvia Fine.

This meeting bestows an honor upon me

which is unparalleled within my universe.

Oh, Maxwell! Thank God.

Elizabeth.

Sylvia, Miss Fine. You're fired.

Elizabeth, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know you had already arrived.

Oh, didn't you hear the buzzer?

No.

Elizabeth, this is my
associate, C.C. Babcock.

(GIGGLING) Hello, Elizabeth Taylor.

I bet she isn't married.

Well, why don't we step into
my study, have a spot of tea?

Ah, and here it is.

Oh, how do you do, Tiss Maylor.

I'm Biles the nutler.

That's not right, is it?

This way, Elizabeth.
Just follow the nutler.

I'll be right there, Maxwell.

Oh, Fran, could you do me a massive favor?

- Yes. Yes.
- I'm wearing these for a photo sh**t

to promote my new
fragrance, "Black Pearls."

(BOTH SQUEALING)

- Say, could I...
- No.

Oh.

Could you just call a bonded courier

and have these sent to this address?

- You're a love.
- Oh, oh, yes, my queen.

Yes. That call will get made.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You know, sweetheart, I
wouldn't trust a courier.

- No?
- Those armed trucks

just scream, "Rob me. Rob me".

You know, you're right, Ma.

I can't trust no bonded
courier professional.

I'm gonna have to do this myself.

Oh, I can't believe you hid in the closet.

To tell you the truth, it wasn't my idea.

Come on out, Yetta.

Ah, excuse me.

Excuse me!

What?

You know, it isn't so
much the half-eaten McDLT

that bothers me so much.

It's the fact that they
discontinued them in ' .

Oh, my God! I didn't realize

I had Princess Caroline
of Monaco in my back seat.

Forgive me, Your Highness.
I didn't recognize you

with your new Priscilla Presley hairdo.

Listen, uh... Cozette?

Yeah. I'm French.

You know, there are occupations
that don't depend on tips.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, it's just that you're...

you're a very unpleasant
person, as people go.

Well, thank you very much.

If you were trying to hurt my feelings

you have succeeded. Okay?

I mean, I have been
having a really hard week,

a lot of stress, a lot of pain.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I... I had no idea.

What's his name? What did he do?

Jean-Claude.

It's my birthday, right?

- Happy birthday.
- Oh, thank you.

Do I get perfume?

- No.
- No.

Do I get flowers?

- No.
- No.

You know, I'm a woman. I'm sensitive.

I have needs.

Hey, does it say "Wheelchair Crossing"?

Honey, you know, let me give you
just a little piece of advice.

I was just talking to my
girlfriend, Elizabeth Taylor.

Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher

BOTH: Burton Burton Warner Fortenski?

No wonder her hips keep breaking down.

That's a good one. One for you.

Oh, honey, your mascara's running
just a little bit over there.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah.

So, let me just show you something.

You're gonna get a big kick out of this.

Red light, sweetie.

Have you ever seen anything...

red light, honey.

Take one look at... red light!

(HORN BLARING)

What could be taking that doctor so long?

Well, she couldn't have
hit her head that badly.

Her hair alone should act
like a built-in air bag.

I can't believe my daughter
is lying in a hospital.

Mmm. This isn't bad.

I don't know why everyone
complains about the food.

Don't worry. She's gonna be just fine.

But I have to warn you,
she's not quite all there.

Oh, no, no. That's normal.

She bruised her brain and is
experiencing some loss of memory.

Memory loss?

Don't worry. It'll come back.

The same thing happened to me once.

When?

When what?

Her memory will return on its own.

Just don't force it. You can see her now.

Maxwell, thank goodness.

Elizabeth Taylor's
black pearls are missing,

and the last person who had them...

C.C., not now.

Miss Fine is lying in a
hospital bed with amnesia.

I'll k*ll her!

Hi.

I'm Gracie.

I'm Brighton.

I'm Maggie.

Wait a minute.

You know, this seems familiar to me.

Say, did I ever sing on
some Austrian hillside

with a really butch haircut?

Everybody out. Out.

I have to speak to the
brain-bruised woman in the bed.

She does need her rest now.

Your family can come back
later and take you home.

Oh, thank you.

So how are you? How are you feeling?

Well, you know, I feel pretty good,

but I think that this bump on the head

really screwed with my nasal passages.

I mean, can you imagine
going through life like this?

Please, please, does...

does the name Elizabeth
Taylor ring any bells?

Yes, yes, of course.

Of course. I remember.

Oh, yes. Yes.

I'm Elizabeth Taylor.

No! You're not Elizabeth Taylor!

Bummer.

She doesn't remember.

Who are you?

I'm your grandma.

Boy, I'm lucky.

I think everything worked out just
the way I always thought it would.

I'm married to a great-looking guy

and I have three gorgeous children.

Oh, honey, you got hit on the head.

You're a little confused.

The two big ones are
from a previous marriage.

Niles, what could she have
done with those bloody pearls?

Is there any sign of Miss
Fine's memory returning?

Well, she couldn't find her room,

but she was able to recall the numbers

on your American Express Gold Card.

And your mother's maiden name.

Oh, here, try to relax, sir. There.

I'll have your brandy and cigar.

Waiting for me when I get out?

Um... yeah.

Hi, hubby.

Oh, dear God in heaven!

Oh, sweetie, I don't remember
much about our married life,

but I figure there's got to be a reason

why this tub is big enough for two.

Oh, gee, I wish that would clear up.

Ah, yes, of course, our, um...

our married life. Uh...

I... I know I'm not supposed

to jar your memory or anything, but, uh...

But what?

Happy th anniversary, darling.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't do this.

Look, I'm not your husband.

Oh, my God! We're not married?

The truth is I hired you.

I'm a hooker?

Well, that explains my shoes.

No, no. You're... you're my nanny.

You take care of my children.

But I've got style. I've got flair.

How could I become the nanny?

Oh, everything's upside down.

Wait a minute. You're still on
Remington Steele, aren't you?

I am not Pierce Brosnan.

I am Maxwell Sheffield, and
you are my nanny, Fran Fine.

Now, would you please get out of my bath?

Oh, nice try, mister. You get out first.

Don't splash me!

Don't. Stop it! Stop it!

Oh! Don't! Stop it! Don't! Don't!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

Excuse me, sir, Miss
Babcock's on the phone for you,

but I'll just tell her
you'll call right back

right after you and Miss
Fine get out of the Jacuzzi.

Morning, sir.

Morning, Niles.

There seems to be a
problem with the phones.

I unplugged them, Niles.

What if Miss Taylor should
call looking for her pearls?

Ah, what if the person who
finds them tries to call?

Plug them back in, Niles.

Got any more bright ideas?

Good morning.

Can I ask you a question?

I have been dressing
like this for three years,

and there's nothing going on between us?

That's right. I'm your employer.

Mmm.

And what is it you do again?

I produce musical theater.

Oh, now it's all making sense to me.

Oh, and you, mister, don't you go anywhere.

After breakfast, you're
cleaning up the dishes.

It's part of your punishment for
cutting fourth period last Thursday.

That she remembers?

Do you recognize this man?

No. No.

No. No. No.

Who are all those men?

They're your father,

just wearing different hair.

I just can't take this
any more. I got to go.

I'm late for your cousin Rose's wedding.

What?

Rose the nose is getting married before me?

Fran?

Ma?

♪ How much is that dress in Macy's window?

♪ Who cares? It'll be
at Loehmann's on sale ♪

Fran, you're back.

Oh, Ma.

Oh, Ma, I don't believe it.

It's all coming back to me now.

I was driving along, and I hit my head,

and I left Elizabeth
Taylor's pearls in the taxi.

And I'm getting out of here.

You lost Elizabeth Taylor's pearls?

Well, you're the one that
told me not to use a courier.

Oh, Miss Fine.

Who are you?

Oh, don't you remember me?

Ah, well, you look awfully familiar, but...

Oh, gee, I've met so many people this week.

Oh, come on, think.

Oh, I know. You're that nice,
loving, and forgiving man.

Guess again.

(GRUNTING)

You're my employer?

(CHUCKLING) Guess again.

You're my worst nightmare?

You've got it!

(SCREAMING)