01x10 - Ancestry

[bunniefuu]

♪

GUILLERMO: I like being a familiar.

It's a very satisfying job.

Well, actually, calling it a
job would imply that it pays.

So it's more of a vocation.

Less glamorous than I imagined.

(RETCHING)

I thought by now I'd be like Armand,

but sometimes I feel like

I'm halfway turning into a Renfield.

(INSECT BUZZES)

♪

I think the worst part for
me is the loneliness.

I'm awake when my
master's asleep, and...

the house gets quiet

and it's lonely, but I'm also awake

when he's awake.

I'm always awake. (SIGHS)

You know, sometimes I wonder
what my life would be like

if I was still at Panera Bread.

I'd probably be manager.

I'd get to boss other
people around for a change,

sleeping, health insurance,

- friends...
- (SAW WHIRS)

getting paid,

all the Panera Bread you can eat.

But you know what they say:

the heart wants what the heart wants.

("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪

♪

NANDOR (MUFFLED): Good
evening, Guillermo.

Good evening, Master. I
have an envelope for you.

Okay, pop it in the coffin. Thank you.

Uh, just... pop it in there.

That's... that's...

Is it in yet?

I can't read it. It's too dark in here.

Is it another summons for jury duty?

Just tell them I'm dead.

Oh, no. It's something very cool.

I had your DNA tested.

A lab tested it.

How did they get the DNA?

Did they steal my semen?

What? No.

I won't have my semen stolen again.

No, I don't, I don't...

No, I don't even know
what that story is.

No, this is all very scientific.

Huh. Okay.

Well, the story is

some witches decided to steal my semen

and put it into a semen spell.

But it didn't even work, and
then they got semen everywhere.

But this seems much
more aboveboard, so...

This just uses science to find out

where your ancestors came from.

It could also be used to see if
you have any living relatives.

Living relatives?

♪ Dun, da-da, da. ♪

Here's yours.

You have...

Oh, wow.

- What?
- You have...

, direct living descendants.

That's a lot.

I'm a granddad?

Well, technically, you're a...

great-granddad times .

(CHUCKLES)

NANDOR: Becoming a vampire came

at a strange time in my life.

I was married at the time

to women.

My wives weren't very happy

about the changes I was going through.

I was becoming very moody,
sleeping all day now.

Nighttime was mainly
drinking people's blood.

Put a strain on all of us.

Then they left,

all of them.

It was a sad night for me,

because I really loved of them.

In those days,

fathers didn't really look
after their children.

It was down to the women.

And in some cases, a
couple of friendly wolves.

- (WOLF HOWLING)
- I did try to visit my children, but...

they were just afraid,
you know, 'cause...

I'm a vampire floating
outside the window.

Hey, kiddies.

Hey, you've got my nose.

That's the last time I saw them.

Probably dead now, I suppose.

And another cool thing
is, you can find out

if any of them live near you.

You have one of them

living right here in Staten Island.

Madeline.

Exciting.

- Why are we going to the library?
- This better be good, Nandor.

- How long is this gonna take?
- I was cleaning my skull.

Not long, not long. Thank you.

Everyone, I have some
very exciting news.

Guillermo has had my DNA tested.

You need to be careful that's
not evil witches trying

- to pinch your semen.
- Yes. Witches are semen stealers.

There's no semen-stealing.

It's very official.

It came in an envelope.

GUILLERMO: I actually had
everyone's DNA tested.

NADJA: How did you get our
DNA without us knowing?

You literally leave
it laying everywhere,

so it wasn't that hard.
So, here's yours, Nadja.

No, thank you, please. Put that
on the pile there for burning.

- You sure you don't want to open it?
- Don't test me!

Okay, forget that.

- So, Laszlo...
- Don't you dare.

- You don't want to...?
- Bugger off.

- (HISSES)
- That's not very nice.

Okay. Colin Robinson.

- Ding, ding, ding.
- There you go.

Could I get a drumroll first?

- No.
- No.

- Nope.
- Fine. I'll do my own.

(IMITATING DRUMROLL)

Frankly, I would be flattered

if witches collected my semen.

(IMITATES CYMBAL STRIKING)

It says here that

I am % white.

People are from all different places.

It just can't say "white" on your paper.

Oh, wow. " % white."

COLIN: No other nuance.

NANDOR: Tell them my
other news, Guillermo.

Okay. He has over two hundred...

, direct descendants living today!

f*cking hell. Well done, chap.

NANDOR: Thank you, Laszlo.

Congratulations, Nandor. That
is some very exciting seed.

- Yes.
- But I'm telling you,

don't let the witches find out about it.

They'll be coming for you.

- No...
- That is top-quality seed.

And thanks to your little
helper, they know about it.

I'm telling you, they're
coming for more.

They use it to make magnets.

I'm a granddad.

- COLIN: You know...
- NANDOR: Don't ruin it.

Oh, I-I wouldn't think of ruining it.

- Thank you.
- The great Genghis Khan

I knew it.

Has over million living descendants.

Now, that's a seed.

You just have to bring up Genghis Khan.

Do any of his relatives live nearby?

Actually, yes.

Uh, he has a great-times-
granddaughter

who lives here in Staten Island.

So did you get your DNA
tested, Guillermo?

I did, but you probably
wouldn't be interested

- in finding out the results.
- Yes. Probably not.

NANDOR: Thank you for attending.

GUILLERMO: I'm mainly mestizo,
which I already knew.

. % Dutch.

That's pretty cool. (CHUCKLES)

This basically shows my family tree.

There's the Dutch family,

and the name is Van Helsing.

That's... (CHUCKLES)

that's actually really funny.

Uh, 'cause I don't know if
you're familiar with, uh,

who Van Helsing is...

♪

The most notorious vampire k*ller.

I have Van Helsing DNA in my blood,

which is...

But he's not real, so...

He's not real.

Is he?

I mean, vampires are real,

but...

I suppose there could be a vampire...

Oh, wow.

I love vampires.

I-I...

I k*lled two accidentally.

- Stay back!
- (GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

Oh, f*ck.

My tummy feels weird.

Just...

I th... What'd I have for lunch?
I had for lunch...

I had, um...

(WHISPERS): garlic.

LASZLO: When I was a human man,

I had rosy cheeks, yet
in between those cheeks,

there was never a smile.

And then, one night, everything changed.

Nadja came through the window

and took my life.

She opened a window to my soul

and let the darkness in.

I'm creating something
very special for her.

It's yet to take shape.

When it does, I think
she'll be very impressed.

I can't be bothered to hold this
anymore. Can you tether it?

Uh, actually...

What the f*ck have you
got in your hand?!

Put that down!

That's a wooden stake, you dickhead!

Well, you asked me to buy
garden stakes, so I b...

Get them out of my sight
now, you smart-ass.

- Okay.
- Where did you get them from?

- Amazon, so...
- Well, then you get in your car,

and you drive back to the Amazon.

That's not how that w... It's online.

Shut your mouth, and tie this thing up.

f*cking halfwit.

Stakes! The most offensive thing
he could bring into the house.

Tighter!

So, Nandor has , descendants.

Still far fewer than, uh, Genghis Khan.

Um, so we're gonna go visit one.

NANDOR: Her name is Madeline.

I'm going to float up to
her window and see her.

Not going to introduce myself yet.

Don't want to frighten her.

I need you to be very supportive
of me at this delicate moment.

Going to give her some gifts.

Got her a little teddy bear.

Ugh. You know what?

This isn't working, me being supportive.

I feel like I am
literally eating myself.

Ugh!

It is time.

♪

Don't tap on the window.

I see her. She's asleep.

How does she look, Master?

She looks a little older
than I was anticipating.

That-That's what I was trying
to tell you... she's .

- So young! (GASPS)
- COLIN: Don't tap on the window.

She is stirring. I'm going
to tap on the window.

- No.
- N-No, Master,

don't tap on the window.

Madeline!

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap!

- Oh, crap.
- Wakey, wakey!

Ah.

She's awake.

Come to me, my little one.

Come, look, this is for you.

Your grandpappy is here.

Say hello.

- This is...
- (MADELINE GASPS)

(BODY THUDS)

Oh, no.

I knew I shouldn't have
tapped on her window,

but you goaded me.

If, by "goading," you mean my saying,

"Under no circumstances should
you tap on her window,"

then, yes, I goaded you.

Yes, exactly. You see,

you are a goader, Guillermo is a goader.

You saw an opportunity to
goad and what did you do?

- You goaded it.
- Okay.

NANDOR: Guillermo!

What is this feeling

I am feeling?

It's grief, Master!

Grief?

- (SIREN WAILING)
- I don't care for it.

Wait, wait. Nandor!

How am I supposed to get down, Nandor?

You goaded me, and now you
got to take the stairs!

This is why you don't
get attached to humans.

They don't last long.

It is like with my sweet Gregor.

He is reborn and then he dies.

And again and again and again.

And every time he comes
back, our love is reignited

like a big ball of flames,

- and then he is brutally decapitated.
- (YELLING)

Look at this one.

Such a beautiful head of hair.

I like it when he's subservient,

but not like this.

Hello! Num, num, num, num, num.

♪ Gregor, you are the sweetest boy ♪

♪ Kid. ♪

(WHISPERING): I have to be very
careful in case Laszlo sees.

♪ My sweet Gregor ♪

♪ Gregor, can you hear me? ♪

♪ Gregor, hear me ♪

♪ Singing this song ♪

♪ Gregor, can you hear me? ♪

♪ Gregor, hear me ♪ - Nadja.

- Nadja! Nadja!
- ♪ Singing this song... ♪

_ - (YELLING)

- (GRUNTS)
- (BONES SNAP)

I'm Gregor!

(GRUNTS)

(KEYS JINGLE)

Nadja!

- (GRUNTING)
- (GLASS BREAKING)

Nadja?

Nadja!

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

Hey! Hey! g*dd*mn it. Call the cops.

NADJA: Nandor has invited us
to join him at the funeral

of his descendant Madeline.

- NADJA: Wait. It's in a church?
- LASZLO: Oh, bloody hell.

- Well, of course. It's a funeral.
- But hang on.

It's night. Shouldn't
there be no one in there?

I got it changed to
later in the evening.

- assh*le.
- How did you do that?

I... called in a b*mb scare.

- I can't go in there.
- No.

Do it for Madeline.

Look at the pictures on the glass.

It's the Jeebus man. (GROANS)

Thought of going in a
church... a church...

Makes me nervous to say the word.

I just... (GUTTURAL GAGGING)

You know, this... Not much scares me,

but this... (GUTTURAL GAGGING)

She can go in. Why can't we? Look at...

- Because she's not a vampire!
- Look at her.

I'm a vampire. I can go in.

Energy vampires have no problems
going into places of worship.

We find it to be fertile feeding ground.

- No! Ooh!
- NADJA: Wonderful, Colin.

Can you go in and pay our respects,

and we'll just stand here?

This is not about feeding ground.

This is about my
great-great-great-great-

great-great-great-great-great-great-

great-great-granddaughter. Please.

- (NADJA SCOFFS)
- Please?

- (MUTTERING)
- f*ck it. Fine.

- Madeline.
- Again, it's okay for me to go in.

I-I'm... I'm gonna be fine.

- NANDOR: Madeline.
- NADJA: Laszlo.

- (ORGAN PLAYING SOMBER MUSIC)
- PRIEST: And it is with great sadness

and tremendous remorse

that we say goodbye to Madeline Darvish.

She did not have children of her own,

but many considered her a mother figure.

- Please rise.
- NADJA: m*therf*cking rise.

- Then you rise.
- You rise.

- I really appreciate you coming.
- PRIEST: The Lord is my shepherd.

- I shall not want...
- Nandor, we got to get out of here.

Nandor, I'm so sorry. I don't
know how much longer I can last.

- (GROUP GRUNTING)
- (BANGING ON PEW)

Nandor, my mascara is running
because of the blood.

You look great.

- (GROANS)
- I got to get out.

- (GRUNTING)
- I can't do this.

It is a lovely service, but I'm on fire.

PRIEST: Your rod and your staff...

- they comfort me.
- Thank you for coming, Nadja.

Hey, I'm gonna go, too.
I'd rather watch TV.

Thank you, Colin Robinson.

And I will dwell in the
house of the Lord forever.

- (GASPS)
- Please be seated.

(PANTING)

Guillermo.

Guillermo, I'm on fire. Get some water.

Water. (GROANS)

Aah!

(CONGREGATION MURMURING)

So sad. I...

really miss her.

That was holy water, Guillermo.

Are you trying to k*ll me?

She d*ed too young.

PRIEST: If anyone

from the family would like

to say a few words,

- (HISSING)
- n-now would be a good time.

LASZLO: Good night, my darling.

Good night, my darling.

_

MAN (OVER RADIO): West
on Jefferson Avenue,

- _
- got a late model red station wagon.

- . Escaped mental patient.

_ - So, my boy Sean...

Ca-caw!

Came to the corner store
down on Eastern Parkway

to get some Twizzlers, but
they only had a family size.

- Yo, shut up, shut up, look.
- What, man? I'm telling a...

- Yo! Whoa!
- TEEN : What the fu...? Dude, what?

Holy sh*t. Oh, my God.

TEEN : Whoa!

- TEEN : Dude, holy... Yo...
- (JEFF YELLING)

- TEEN : Holy sh*t! Oh, my God.
- TEEN : Oh! Look at that!

- TEEN : Look at that.
- TEEN : Holy sh*t.

Nadja!

- TEEN : Are you okay?
- TEEN : Holy sh*t.

Cheeze-It, yo, yo, yo.

- TEEN : Hey, hey, hey.
- TEEN : Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- TEEN : Oh!
- TEEN : Oh, my God.

Nadja!

TEEN : That's not-that's
not yours. Hey!

TEEN : Dude!

TEEN : Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- (TEENS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
- (SIREN WAILS)

- TEEN : Yo, yo, yo, yo.
- TEEN : Stop!

_ - JEFF (IN DISTANCE): Nadja?!

Nadja!

Nadja!

sh*t.

JEFF: Nadja!

- Jesk?
- Nadja.

- Oh...
- My Nadja. I heard your call.

- Shh.
- My destiny has brought me here,

- and it is to be with you.
- Oh.

Jesk, uh, you-you shouldn't be here.

- My husband lives here.
- Husband?

And he is very big, wide man,

- and he loves to bite.
- I don't give a sh*t.

- He loves to bite...
- Our destiny cannot be denied.

- Who's this, my darling?
- Well... Oh...

A gentleman caller?

Uh, no. This is just my
friend from the park.

We're having a quick catch-up.

I am here for Nadja.

Nadja... is my wife.

I should cut your head off.

Oh, L-Laszlo, you don't need to do that.

I always have. (CHUCKLES)

- Wait, what?
- What?

I know who you are.

Outward appearance may have changed.

The pattern remains the same.

You get reborn, you try and find her,

and I cut your head off.

(NADJA GASPS)

- (FLESH SQUISHES)
- (MAN SCREAMS)

- Oh, sh*t.
- (CHUCKLING)

When I was a street thief?

I had the cleaver in my hand.

- (MAN SCREAMS)
- (FLESH SQUISHES)

When I was a naval officer?

I was on board that ship with a cutlass.

- (MAN SCREAMS, Kn*fe SCRAPES)
- JEFF: When I was atop

- that horse in the b*ttlefield in...
- Yeah, yeah.

- That was me.
- (HORSE NEIGHING)

The Amazon explorer?

Guess who tipped off the natives.

When I was a mouse?

- I was a cat.
- (CAT GROWLS)

When he was a washer woman?

- We can do this all night.
- Really?

- You're an evil genius.
- My darling,

every time doughboy turns
up, you start crying.

Now, I'm not having that.

You're my sweet baby, and I'm
here to stop that kind of jive.

Aw. Crazy knight in...

shining black coat. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, Laszlo.

JEFF: Well, this is f*cked up.

- Should we get on with it?
- No. No.

Let him have at least one
full life, my darling.

Is this what you want?

Why... y-yes.

I suggest you f*ck off

and never darken our doorstep again.

My wife has everything she needs
with me. Is that understood?

- Goodbye.
- (CHUCKLES)

May-Maybe I'll see you in the next life.

- Yeah, maybe you won't.
- Oh, okay. All right.

All right, all right. I'm going.

- May-Maybe you will.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, my darling. I've
created something for you.

Here's your surprise.

(GASPS, CHUCKLES) It's me.

- It is the most beautiful thing
- That's it.

- My eyes has ever witnessed.
- I'm out of here.

Farewell, my love... (GRUNTS)

- LASZLO: Ooh!
- (NADJA GASPS)

- Bloody not.
- Laszlo, what the

- f*cking hell have you done?!
- No, no, no, no, my darling.

I swear, that had nothing to do with me.

NADJA: Aw. Ew.

I'll leave you some time alone with...

whatever his name is.

Oh, Gregor,

thank you for all the lovely
times, and I'll see you soon.

NANDOR: Guillermo?

- Yes, Master?
- You all right?

I'm just tired, Master.

You sure?

Yes, I'm sure. Time for bed.

What was the results
of your ancestry test?

♪ Gliding side by side... ♪

Just... stereotypical... Mexican.

- Piñata farmers.
- Piñata farmers. Mm-hmm.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

People love piñatas.

Someone's got to breed
those colorful donkeys.

Thank you, Master.

♪ Underneath the moon... ♪

Thank you for helping me
tonight on my saddest night.

Even though you did throw
holy water onto me!

Do you remember that?! It really b*rned!

- Sorry.
- Why would you do that?!

Outrageous!

Aah, my burns!

From the holy water
that you threw on me.

That is one demerit point for you,

and one more year as my familiar.

Good night.

♪ Underneath the silvery moon... ♪

- Guillermo?
- Hmm?

You're having a serious thought?

No.

Oh, yeah, you probably weren't.

Good night.

Good night, Master.

♪ Underneath the moon
with shadows creeping ♪

♪ Underneath the silvery moon ♪

♪ Making love while all
the world is sleeping ♪

♪ Making love while the world sleeps ♪

- ♪ Come along, my dear ♪
- ♪ Come along, my dear ♪

- ♪ I am waiting here ♪
- ♪ I am waiting here ♪

♪ Waiting underneath ♪

- ♪ The ♪
- (SHUDDERS)

♪ Moon. ♪

("HOLY WATER" BY STRUGGLE
JENNINGS PLAYING)

(CHUCKLING IN SONG)

(CROWS CAWING)

♪ Yo, let me get two rounds ♪

- ♪ Shaolin, the warriors' home ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Used to love the street,
euphoria's gone ♪

♪ cr*ck dealer, sorcerer's stone ♪

♪ See, my son, he was born as a clone ♪

♪ Take a seat at the throne ♪

♪ Elvis left the building,
eagle has flown ♪

♪ I've been mindin' my own,
so just leave me alone ♪

♪ This is the season of
gods, I'm-a even the odds ♪

♪ You can read between the lines
'cause I'm speakin' in psalms ♪

♪ Oh, oh, take a sh*t
of that holy water ♪

♪ Ha, have a talk with the Holy Father ♪

♪ I know that you hear me,
I hope you forgive me ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight I'm pressin' hard ♪

♪ With all the strength
that you give me ♪

♪ Ah! ♪

(LAUGHING)