02x01 - Resurrection

[bunniefuu]

NADJA: So, yes, it has
been quite a summer.

- We finally got a new familiar.
- Yeah.

- But he had an accident and d*ed.
- Yeah.

- Left a bit. Left a bit more.
- (SHEARS CLIPPING)

It's not even.

(SCREAMS)

Ooh. sh*t.

So we found another one
and she had an accident

and she d*ed.

- (SHRIEKS)
- Oh, f*ck.

- (SCREAMING)
- (WATER SPLASHES)

I had what is known as a
summer of self-discovery.

I was being a vapor

and I got sucked into an air purifier.

But apart from that,

pretty slow summer.

And then the same thing
happened with the next one.

I spent so much time at the DMV

they finally just gave me a license.

I did what any young,
handsome man would do,

I went and bought a classic convertible,

put the top down, blasted
some tunes and, uh,

I blocked the entrance
to the Lincoln Tunnel.

- (HORNS HONKING)
- This is gonna ruin my day,

too, you know.

- And then the next one.
- Yep.

(SHOUTING)

NADJA: We've been through about six...
No, seven familiars this year.

- Seven?
- Yeah, remember Joey?

No, my dear, I'm not that familiar.

(BOTH LAUGH)

No, don't you remember?

His intestines came
straight out of his bum.

- Oh, Joey. Yeah, yeah.
- Mm.

Not much new with me. I've been spending

a lot more time in the
upstairs bathroom.

But besides that, my summer's
been pretty mellow and... Ooh.

- (CREATURE SQUEAKING)
- There's this little guy.

Here. I've been trying to make
friends with him all summer.

Don't be afraid. Come on in.

(HISSES)

Oh, sh...

(MOANS, GRUNTS)

That's the tenth vampire
I k*lled this month.

These vampire assassins
keep trying to k*ll

Nandor, Nadja and Laszlo

ever since they escaped
from the Vampiric Council.

I'm doing it to protect my master.

But I can't tell him
I'm a vampire k*ller,

because then he'd have to k*ll me.

- Guillermo, what are you doing?
- Dusting.

Well, can you dust more quietly please?

- I'm trying to sleep.
- Okay.

GUILLERMO: I haven't slept in hours.
I've been eating

these chocolate-covered espresso beans.

They give you enough
pep just to keep going

and just keep going, going,
going and pretend...

- (THUDDING)
- Ah!

- NANDOR: Guillermo?
- Someone's in here!

Please don't open the door.

NANDOR: Did you make a
messy toilet again?

GUILLERMO: I-I did. I-I had an accident.
Whoopsie.

- Well, actually, I just wanted to...
- No, Master, don't open...

Oh, Guillermo.

You should really drink more water.

("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

Anyway, that is all in the past,

because we have finally
found us a good one.

Topher, come in here!

- Look at this.
- Tophie!

Your skull polish, madam.

- I'll be right outside.
- There he goes.

Take care of business. Ooh. (LAUGHS)

NADJA: Topher is an absolutely

"Bob's your money" spectacular familiar.

And his résumé

is impeccable.

LASZLO: It is. He is
proficient in Excel.

And went to Lehigh.

Now, my wife and I have
not a whore's notion

what any of that means.

- But we like it.
- (CHUCKLES)

Need any help with that, G-Money?

Nah, I got it.

It's like my father used to say.

"Never accept a towel from an Italian."

- (LAUGHS): Yeah. Topher.
- Very true, darling.

- Master.
- Watching you stretch

your young body across that fireplace,

- you know who you remind me of?
- Who, Master?

- Me.
- (LAUGHS)

- Bring it in.
- (NADJA GASPS)

- (LAUGHS)
- You're the best.

- NANDOR: Guillermo! Guillermo!
- Y-Yes, Master?

Yes?

I dragged my cape through
a street doo-doo again.

I dragged it for three
blocks before I noticed

and I'm embarrassed to say I dragged it

for another eight blocks after that.

- Why did you do that, Master?
- Well, I thought it would help,

you know, drag the doo-doo off.

- Anyway, take care of it please.
- TOPHER: Hey, uh,

- you want me to fly in with the assist?
- NANDOR: No!

TOPHER: That actually is
a-a lot of sh*t on it.

This is a good solo job for Guillermo.

But thank you for the hustle, Topherino!

- (LAUGHTER)
- TOPHER: Look out.

- Hustle...?
- I don't think so.

- NANDOR: It looks fantastic in here.
- LASZLO: Doesn't it?

- I could watch him clean all day.
- NANDOR: Yes.

TOPHER: All right, I'm
glad to hear you say that.

Uh-huh.

(LAUGHS): All right.

(LAUGHS): All right! Bye, Bobby.

It's my little side hustle.

I'm a . percent owner in this
dope new line of hard ciders.

- It's called Doze Apples Hard Cider.
- (FORCED LAUGH)

That's clever, 'cause it...
They're made with apples.

Apple flavoring,

- we have to say.
- Do Laszlo and Nadja

- know about this?
- Eh.

What they don't know can't hurt them.

- Am I right? High five.
- I...

Come on, dawg. Don't leave me hanging.

- I don't know. Just...
- Dawg.

- With our job...
- Don't leave me hanging, dawg.

- And we're just...
- Dawg. Don't leave me hang...

- I just think that...
- No, give me a better one, dawg.

- I just think...
- Again, high five!

Oh, yeah. High five.

I feel like there's a way

to be cool... which you
are, you're very cool...

- Thank you.
- And also, respectful, you know?

You need to let them know

that you are worthy of being
turned into a vampire someday.

- Which is why we're here.
- To be honest,

I don't really care
about being a vampire.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, yeah, I was very surprised

that Topher does not
want to be a vampire.

(EXHALES) Who doesn't
want to be a vampire?

What are you doing if you don't...
(EXHALES)

- What-what do you want to be?
- TOPHER: I don't know.

Maybe a warlock.

- That'd be cool.
- That would be cool.

That's, like, above vampire.

Alla-kazoom!

And it would explode or something.

GUILLERMO: He's still learning.
He's still finding himself.

He'll get there.

So, these are like money.

You go to any store that sells
Doze Apples Hard Cider,

pay for the cider with
real money, but then,

you mail in this card to the
address there on the back.

And I can explain this whole process

as I'm handing these out?

Oh, yeah. Sometimes more than once.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

You know, if you want, you
can drain me right now.

I'm, like, f*ring on all
four cylinders, you know?

You can crunch up as much as you want.
I can make some more.

I... Yeah, I want to, Topher,

but I'm having a pickle
of a time draining you.

I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson.

- (KNOCKING)
- Like,

I know you're trying to bore me...

- Hang on.
- (DOOR CREAKS)

Come on in.

The stuff that you tell me
is just so interesting.

You know?

Sue me.

- Who was at the door?
- I don't know.

Unbelievable.

Topher? Topher, did you happen to
let two vampires into the house?

Hey, hang on, dawg.

Look, there's a couple
rules you need to follow.

- I know you're new, okay, but...
- Sorry, just, uh,

conferencing with this guy
I used to intern for,

this dope werewolf... You
might know him, actually.

First of all, werewolves are not
dope, so I wouldn't know him.

- Uh, this guy's pretty dope.
- No.

Look, I don't mean to be hard
on you, but it's important

you follow the rules
for everyone's safety.

Do me a favor and stay
away from the koi pond.

I think there's an electrical short from
the heater, so just stay away from it...

Have you tried turning it
off and back on again?

No, just don't touch it, Topher, okay?

The electric guy's gonna
be here on Monday.

- Always works for me.
- So just leave it alone...

GUILLERMO: Yeah. I'm
sad that Topher d*ed.

Another familiar dead, you know?

But... that's the business.

I'm used to it.

That's bad, right?

Death comes for us all.

It comes for the bees.

It comes for the trees.

It comes for, uh, basically
anyone from zero on up,

so... one...

LASZLO: Are you kidding?

Two, three, four.

Put a cork in it, Colin Robinson.

- We're weak enough as it is.
- NANDOR: Perhaps there is

- a familiar k*ller on the loose?
- NADJA: What?

Well, I was just thinking, you know,

if there are vampire K*llers,

then why not familiar K*llers, also?

There's no such thing as vampire
K*llers, you knob lord.

- Well...
- What was that, Guillermo?

I'm just saying that it wouldn't hurt

to be more cautious and alert.

NADJA: Enough of this! This is
horse piss. We are vampires.

We can do better than
this for our Topher.

Guillermo, dig him up.

Yes.

Please be respectful of his mud.

A necromancer is someone

who can reanimate the dead.

It's a truly fantastical
part of the dark arts.

And I happen to have a very good old pal

- Wallace...
- (SCOFFS)

who is excellently proficient
in the art of necromancy.

No, he's excellent, at the
dark art of ripping you off.

- (GROANS)
- These people are shysters.

They're obsessed with the upsell.

I'm sure his hut is
around here somewhere.

It's a classic necromancer scam.

"Meet me at my hut." What bloody hut?

(SIGHS)

(GASPS) There it is. I'm certain of it.

Look at all those pale,
desperate wretches

scurrying around in the moonlight.

It's a performing arts school.

COLIN: Hey, a high school
production of Thornton Wilder's

Our Town with a Q and A afterwards.
(CHUCKLES)

- Don't mind if I do. Yum, yum.
- WALLACE: You seek

the necromancer?

LASZLO: What the...?

I am they.

(LAUGHS): Hello, Wallace!

(GRUNTING, LAUGHING)

NADJA: Come on, everyone!

WALLACE: I've got a lovely pot
of stew if anyone's hungry.

LASZLO: No.

I see you admiring my wares.
Anything tickle your fancy?

- No.
- NADJA: Hush.

These bracelets ward off the evil eye.

- NADJA: Ooh. Ooh.
- This one attracts the evil eye.

And this one increases
sexual stamina. Yeah.

(NADJA LAUGHS)

You could do with a leg up.

And these are key chains that
look like license plates.

NADJA: Uh-huh.

LASZLO: Look, mister,
we are not interested

in your tricks and trinkets.

This one would make a cute
gift for a man named Steve.

NADJA: Yes, yes, yes, but,
Wallace, what we are here for

is we were hoping you could reanimate

our beloved familiar Topher.

Yes, uh, how long has he been dead?

- Huh?
- Oh, that is Guillermo.

He is not dead, although
sometimes we wish he was.

(LAUGHTER)

Just a little joke there, Guillermo,

I got it.

All right, so, uh, where's the carcass?

Yes. Guillermo, fetch the carcass.

- The what?
- The carcass.

- The cadaver, man.
- I'll go get the body.

NANDOR: What was that?

I'll go get the carcass.

NANDOR: Better.

(GRUNTING)

And did you bring a personal
item belonging to the deceased?

Uh, yes, uh, his mini-fridge.

Uh, Guillermo, you did bring
the mini-fridge, yeah?

He absolutely loved this
cold, white little box.

And the foot of a deranged cat,

the night-thistle, the
parcel of wolf's-bane

and the $ cash?

- Thank you.
- It's all there,

razzle-dazzle man.

Good, good. I can't stress enough

the $ cash.

- Yeah, I'll bet you can't.
- Otherwise, the spells don't work.

Wallace, do you think
we are going to get

- our beloved Topher back?
- Well, he seems well preserved.

Everything seems to want to...
seems to be intact.

He hasn't had that, uh,

intestines out of the assh*le, has he?

- No, no.
- Good,

'cause that really yucks me out.

Right, then, here we go.
Hold on to your hats.

(EXHALES DRAMATICALLY)

- (CLANG REVERBERATES)
- (GROWLS)

(SNORTING)

Yes! You're alive!

You can jive!

Your spirit rise!

♪ The light has gone ♪

♪ Out of your eyes ♪

♪ What a surprise ♪

- ♪ Yah! ♪
- Is he scatting?

No, of course not.

♪ Zippidee-dop ♪

♪ A-zippidee-doo ♪

♪ A-zippidee-zop-zop, wabada-boo... ♪

- (SCATTING CONTINUES)
- This is bullshit.

(WHISPERS): Shut up.

♪ Ooh-eh ♪

(CHANTING GIBBERISH)

- Oh-pah!
- (THUNDER CRASHES)

(RHYTHMIC CHANTING)

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(THUNDER CRASHING)

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Zombra, zombra, zombra.

Zambra, zombra.

Why is he looking at his phone?

It probably just can't wait.
It's an emergency.

Z-Zombra, zambra,
zombra, zombra, zombra.

Zombarisa... (GRUNTING)

Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai, hai, hai!

Ba-boom!

- Oh!
- Ew!

Get in, you bastard!

The end. I have achieved reanimation.

(PANTS) Your beloved familiar

will return to you tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Life takes time, my friend.

We are reversing the very
power of nature itself.

But there's a-a quickening ritual,

if you want to chivvy things along.

As we're all friends, I
could do it for a hundy.

No, you bloody won't.
We're not interested.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Thank you
so very much, Wallace.

♪ Zappidee-doo. ♪

Zappidee-doo.

Everything is back to normal,
because our Topher is back!

It's true. I've got to admit,

Wallace, as contemptible a man as he is,

- actually came up trumps.
- (FAKE COUGHING): Told you so.

(FAKE COUGHING) You f*cking didn't.

Don't tell Guillermo, but...

I'm so happy Topher is back.

All right, let us begin
with the minutes.

I am here.

Guillermo, you are there.

And, um...

TOPHER (GROWLING): To-pher!

NADJA (LAUGHS): Oh, Tophie!

And there is Topher. Wonderful.

We are all here. We can begin.

Firstly... and I'm not naming names...

But I have recently noticed
that the house reeks

of decaying flesh, and there
are dead birds everywhere.

TOPHER: Topher!

As I say, I'm not naming names.

But if we do have an issue,

then it's important that
we all work together

to let Guillermo know,
so that he can fix it.

TOPHER: Doze Apples!

- (GIGGLES)
- (TOPHER SNARLING)

LASZLO: Off he goes.

That chap's tireless, isn't he?

You could learn something
from Topher, no, Guillermo?

I actually have an order of
business I'd like to discuss.

- Oh...
- NANDOR: Okay.

- The floor is yours.
- I'm a little bit concerned

about Topher.

I think there might be something

- really wrong with him.
- (RASPY PANTING)

- Topher! Aah!
- (WHIMPERS)

He waits under my bed

- and tries to bite me, for one.
- NANDOR: Yes.

He eats live birds and insects.

I think, I think he might be a zombie.

(FLY BUZZING)

That, my boy, sounds like slander.

Nandor, what are you going to
do about the state of the muck

- pouring out of his mouth?
- Guillermo,

do you have any proof of
this wild accusation?

- (SNARLING)
- Aah!

Well, do you?

He's not well!

- He's freaking out.
- Yes!

He's gonna eat me! Dios mío!

LASZLO: Well, now he's
speaking in tongues.

That is awful of you to call Topher

those things you just did.

(RASPY YELLING)

Exactly.

Guillermo, have you been
getting enough sleep?

(LAUGHING): No. No, I am
not getting any sleep!

I haven't slept in the last two weeks,

because I have to keep one eye
open to protect you guys!

- (LAUGHS)
- Protect us from what?

Nothing.

I just wish you guys knew
how hard I work for you,

and you don't, so that's
okay, never mind, forget it.

Did you see that?

- He was eating his own dry poops.
- (GROANS)

The vampire assassins
usually come at night,

so I have to constantly
survey the perimeter.

(CLATTERING IN DISTANCE)

♪ ♪

(SNARLS) Topher!

Topher? No, no, no, no, no, no!

I don't wanna die, I don't
wanna die, I don't wanna...

(FIERCE YELLING)

- (RASPY GROANING)
- (PANTING)

Sorry. Sorry.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Why...?

Sorry, buddy, but you
were trying to k*ll me.

High five.

I don't know, bud.

- Come on!
- Okay. All right.

- Aw, sh*t.
- (GROANS)

- Why?!
- Sorry, Toph.

See, that's why I
didn't want to do that.

- Toph.
- (AGONIZED GROANING)

No, buddy, I don't think it's
gonna go back on there, bud.

(GRUNTS) High five!

No, I'm not gonna high-five you anymore.

High five!

Ow, Toph! That really hurt!

- High five!
- Stop it, you...

You're being really rude right now!

- (SNARLING)
- Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it, Topher. Stop it, Topher!

- (GRUNTING, YELLING)
- Stop it, Topher!

Aw, f*ck no!

No one bites Guillermo!

(WHISPERS): It was an accident.

All right, dudes, I'm headed out.

Going up to Albany to catch a
community theater production

of Pippin.

(SNARLING)

What's going on with, uh, Toph-Dawg?

I think he's a zombie.

Yeah, could be.

- See you guys later.
- (SNARLING)

(CHUCKLES): You goofballs.

(SNARLS, GROWLS)

- (GUILLERMO GASPING)
- (YELLING)

GUILLERMO: No!

Why won't you die?!

Stop it! Stop it!

Ow!

Jesus f*cking...!

Topher!

(SCREAMS) Guillermo!

(HISSING)

GUILLERMO: Master...

you saved me.

Thank you.

Your screaming disturbed
me from my slumber.

You shouldn't be putting
your head in there.

It's not hygienic.

If you want to wash
yourself, do it in...

Will you stop that!

- (SNARLING)
- I've had enough of this.

He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.

- But what is done is done.
- (TOPHER GRUNTS)

(GUILLERMO SCREAMING)

This f*ckin' guy.

(YELLING)

He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.

But what is done is done.

(SCREAMING)

Are you kidding me with this right now?

Just give him a few jolts. I'll be fine.

He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.

(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)

Kind of tickles.

(TOPHER SNARLING)

You conned us, you slippery bastard!

Wallace, how could you do this to us?

Yeah, plus, he was crawling
on the ceiling, which is odd.

- Well, he didn't do that before?
- NADJA: Of course not!

Well, okay, I must have used
the wrong incantation spell.

But you know what? No extra charge.

Bullshit! You made it up
as you were going along.

No, no, no, no, that was
word-for-word verbatim.

No. You were bloody texting
on your phone the whole time!

It was an Amber Alert.

Well, I did think it was important.

He is damaged goods, and
we demand satisfaction!

- (TOPHER SNARLING)
- Not cool, Wallace, not cool.

- Fine. Let me have him.
- What, do you think

I'm gonna let him go? You
must be out of your mind.

- (WHISTLES)
- (STOPS SNARLING)

Come here, boy.

Come on, come on.

That'll do, pig, that'll do.

- Wow.
- All right,

I don't normally do refunds,

but I'll take him off
your hands for you.

And for your trouble,

each of you can grab a
license plate key chain.

For free?

Free. Gratis.

Okay.

Come on!

- Oh. "Ingrid." Oh.
- NANDOR: I got...

"Steve."

So if you're watching, Steve...

waiting for you.

Ah.

NADJA: I got "Nadia," uh,

which is my name, but
with a less exciting "J."

Completely free.

You don't have "Colin."

We haven't sold any since , mate.

But you have "Condom."

Very, very popular.

- Can I take one?
- Go for it.

GUILLERMO: So I got...

"Gigi."

I guess that's better than "Gizmo."

Being a familiar isn't for everyone.

You're not always thanked or praised.

But after my master saved my life,

he proved to me that... he
really does care about me

and all the things I do for him.

And if one day he doesn't, well...