02x30 - Ricky and Fred Are TV Fans

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen.

Here we are once again from the
Rainbow Arena

bringing you a -round bout for the
championship.

It's a lovely evening, and we've had
a wonderful turnout

here at the largest stadium in the
East.

We can see many celebrities.

The weather is fine, and a sell-out
gate is expected.

Okay, sucker, who do you like, huh?

I like Murphy.

He'll m*rder this other guy.

Oh, my little pigeon.

You like Murphy, eh?

Okay, now, let me see...

he's, uh...
three-to-one underdog

So I'll give you, um... even money.

You think you're kidding

but I'll take it.

What you do, you find a gold mine or
something?

Throwing your money away like that?

Just put up or shut up, buster.

I'll put up, I'll put up.

How much would you like to bet, Mr.
Rockefeller?

Make it easy on yourself.

All right, uh...
ten dollars?

What's the matter, you frightened?

Fifteen dollars?

How about $ ?

Oh, you must know something.

I know Murphy.

He's trained for this fight

and he'll run through these rounds

like it was nothing.

Okay, okay, you may have Murphy.

I got Murphy.

You got him, all right, don't worry.

And may the best man win.

Sí.

Just pace yourself.

Move away from him.

rounds to go.

You'll m*rder this guy.

Don't you worry about nothin'.

He can't hurt you now--

remember that.

Just keep in there.

Keep your chin under your shoulder.

Throw the right, throw the right.

Can't you hear me?

Throw the right.

Now!

Well, that's the last one.

Good.

Honestly, I seem to have my hands

in hot water all the time--

baby's laundry, dishes three times a
day.

Nope, not yet.

"Not yet" what?

Well, sooner or later

I'm bound to develop webbed-foot
hands.

Well, what will we do tonight?

Are you kidding?

The same thing we do every week at
this time--

sit and watch Ricky and Fred

watching the fights on television.

Oh, yeah.

Gee, Ethel, remember

when we used to go to the movies

on Ricky's nights off?

"Movies"?
Yeah.

What's that?

Oh, you know, it's sort of like
television

except the screen is bigger

and it's just one channel.

Oh... yeah.

Hey, do you think we could talk the
guys

out of watching tonight?

Are you kidding?

Tonight's the big fight.

Every week's the big fight.

Well, tonight's the big big fight.

Everybody's talking about it.

Oh, who's fighting?

I don't know.

It's always the same--

Rocky somebody versus Kid
something-or-other.

I got to go down to the corner

and get some ginger ale.

Well, he sure was in a hurry.

Oh, they only allow him

one minute between rounds.

Yeah.

You know, he's got himself trained

so he can do anything in less than a
minute.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Well, Ethel, what will we do tonight?

Play cards?

Oh, I'm sick of cards.

Want to make some fudge?

Oh, I'm sick of fudge.

Well, we'll just have to sit here and
listen

to the homey sounds of catcalls and
body blows.

Yep.

Say, you know, Fred's going to miss
that next round.

Well, he didn't expect to go down to
the corner

and get back here in time for the...

Ethel, you know what?!

What?

I'm revolting.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I mean, this is a revolution.

I am going to revolt.

I'm tired of playing second fiddle

to a television set.

Ricky is my husband

and he is going to spend the evening
talking to me or else.

Fred, too!

Or else what?

Or else I am going to find

my evening's entertainment elsewhere
without him.

Come on.

Okay.

Ricky!

Fred!

Help!

Fire!

m*rder!

That's very flattering.

Do you think they'd notice me

if I went around and stood in front
of the set?

Oh, boy...

you were saved by the bell that time.

He's only playing possum.

Wait till the next round

and Murphy will m*rder him.

What "next round"?

He won't be able to come out

for the next round.

That's only the second round.

Just have your dough ready

after the th round is over.

I'll have my money ready...

Fred!
Ricky!

Oh, hi, honey.

What is it, Ethel?

Ethel and I have decided

that you have married us and not a
television set.

What do you mean?

You know what we mean.

We are sick and tired

of sitting around for an hour and a
half

looking at each other while you look
at the silly fights.

Oh, now, honey, you know we watch the
fights

every week at the same time.

Yeah.

Sorry, I'm standing right here.

So am I.

Girls, don't be silly.

You know we watch the fights all the
time.

We want to see the fights.

I made a little bet with Rick...

Get out!
Get out!

Get out!
Get out!

My goodness!

Gee, I never heard Fred talk like
that.

Wow! You'd think

they were fighting that fight
themselves.

Well, what do you think we'd better
do?

Just forget about it?

No, they've got to be made

to understand how we feel about
this...

from a safe distance, of course.

Now you're talking sense.

I know--

we'll leave.

And never come back?

No, no, we'll go down to the corner

and call up here.

What?

I'll disguise my voice and ask for me

and then when Ricky goes to get me

to come to the phone

he'll find out I'm gone.

And then they'll look for you

and they'll find out that you're
gone.

Then they'll really start to worry
about us.

Yeah, let's leave a note

and tell them to drag the river for
our bodies.

Oh, Ethel, come on.

Okay.

Good night, Ricky.

Good-bye, Fred.

Don't wait up for us.

We may be out quite late.

In fact, we may never come back.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, come on.

Come on, kid.

Kid, go, kid.

Get away from him, Murph, get away!

"Get away from him"?

He'll have to leave town!

Come on, boy, come on.

Will you look at that?

Even the policemen.

What a night to rob a bank.

Yeah, go ahead and call the boys.

Yeah.

Have you got a dime?

I didn't even bring my purse.

Oh, here's one.

Hello?

Hello, may I
speak to Lucy, please?

Just a minute.

Lucy, it's for you!

Hey, hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh...

Ethel, you know
what happened?

Ethel...

Ethel!

Huh?

You know what just happened?

What?

He called me to the phone

and went back to watch the fights.

Oh, fine, now they won't even know

we're out of the house.

Well, come on, let's go home.

No.

I refuse to go home and be ignored.

How about going to the movies?

They won't even miss us.

Well, what's the difference?

At least we'll get to go to the
movies.

Besides, after the movies are over

they'll miss us plenty.
That's right.

I think I'll call Mrs. Trumbull

and ask her to look in on little
Ricky.

Even if he cried, you know

they wouldn't even know the
difference.

No.

Oh... I haven't got a dime.

It's a nickel.

I'll have to get change for this.

Uh, pardon me.

Could I have change for this, please?

Pardon me, mister, could I have
change for this, please?

I'd like to make a phone call.

We might as well be at home.

Well, if he's so busy

I'll make the change myself.

Hey, officer.

What is it, Max?

Just caught this dame with her hand
in the till.

Aha!

Aha, nothing.

I was just trying to make some
change.

Oh, sure.

That's right--

she tried to get your attention,

but you were busy watching
television.

It was a lucky thing

I dropped in here tonight

when I came off duty.

You must be the two babes

who are pulling all that stick-up
stuff

in this neighborhood.

We are not.

How dare you?

We're no "stick-up babes."

We'll see soon enough.

What are you going to do?

We're going to take you down

to the station house, book you

and fingerprint you.

Remember, Max

I got ten bucks on Murphy.

Ow...

Oh... look, a knockout!

A knockout?!

Who...

Hey!

Come back here!

You see him?

No.

I think we gave him the slip

coming up that alley.

What a mess.

Of all the things to have happen.

For heaven's sake.

Well, what do you think

our dear husbands are doing?

Care to make any bets?

Oh, fine, we almost got arrested

and put in jail

and they didn't even know we were out
of the house.

The only way we'll ever get their
attention

is to put on trunks

and fight each other at the Garden.

Nah, wouldn't matter.

Oh, don't fight it, Lucy.

It's bigger than all four of us.

All we can hope is that the set
breaks down.

Hey, that's an idea.

It is?

Yeah.

We could go up on the roof

find the wire that connects with our
television set

and...

You mean go up there and cut the
wire?

Yeah.

We don't even know which wire it is.

Oh...

Wouldn't it be easier to fight each
other at the Garden?

No, come on.

He throws a left and a
left and another left and still
another.

Now he crosses with a right...

Oh, gee, I forgot there were

this many wires up here.

I wonder how we'll ever find out

which one is ours.

It's going to be kind of hard to tell
which one's which.

Well, guess I'll just have to cut
them all.

No!

I'm only kidding.

We'll find the right one.

My gosh, a big building like this

sure has a lot of wires

running around it, doesn't it?

I'll say.

Oh, I think it's that one right
there.

Which one?

That big one right over there.

Oh, no, that's connected

to that building across the alley.

No, no, look where it comes from,
see?

Look, that's it--

that big one right there.

No, I don't think so, Lucy.

I think it's this little one.

No, I think it's this big one.

No, I think it's this little one.

I think it's the medium- sized one.

You do?
I don't know what...

All right, you two, put up your
hands.

Now, look, officer

I was just going to cut this wire...

Yeah, I know how you work.

You cut the wire, the whole place
goes dark

and you clean out the entire
building.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Listen, I happen to own this
building.

Yes, and I'm J. Edgar Hoover.

Hold out your hands.

I'm not taking any chances on you two
getting away this time.

Now, look, officer, I live in this
building

and I was just going to cut this wire

so that our television set would go
off

so that our husbands

wouldn't be able to watch the fight.

Yeah, it didn't have anything to do
with the lights.

No.

Your wrists, please.

Now, look, I'll prove it.

This is the wire I was going to cut,
isn't it?

Yeah.

And I'm still holding it, right?

Right.

Okay.

Ew...

Throw a left, will you, Murph?!

Help!
We're being arrested!

Help!

Boy...

Hey...

did I just hear Lucy call me?

I don't think so.

Lucy, did you call me?

Lucy?

No.

I guess not.

How about that eighth round, huh?

This fight will never go the
distance.

Oh, yeah?

Do you want to put your money

where your mouth is?

You're darn right.

Come on, five bucks more?

Okay.

Officer, this is utterly ridiculous.

Quiet!

I'll do the talking.

Well, Sarge, I finally got hold of
the two dames

that are doing all that stick-up work
on my b*at.

Good work.

I'd know those two faces anywhere.

Pickpocket Pearl and Sticky Fingers
Sal.

Really?

What'd you get them for?

Attempted robbery, resisting arrest

escaping an officer

prowling, possessing a deadly w*apon

and destruction of private property.

You'll probably get years for
this.

And I wouldn't be surprised if you
didn't get a promotion.

Oh, thank you, Sarge.

Now, look, officer, I can explain.

You see...

I'll do the talking, Sticky Fingers.

I'm not Sticky Fingers.

Look, I know who you are.

Why don't you admit it?

Why, I've seen your faces on wanted
posters

a hundred times.

You have not!

I have, too.

I never forget a face, do I?

Never.
Yeah.

The only difference is

you used to be a brunette, didn't
you?

Dyed your hair.

A lot you know.

My hair is naturally red

isn't it, Ethel?

Look, Lucy, let's not add perjury

to our other charges.

Well, I might have expected

something like that from you,
Pickpocket Pearl.

Aha!

Oh, "aha" yourself.

I can clear this up in a minute.

Will you let me use your phone?

Don't touch it!

I wouldn't trust it in your hands.

What's your mouthpiece's number?

"Mouthpiece"!

My husband's number is Murray Hill
- .

He'll come down here

and straighten you out in a minute.

Yeah, it's busy.

Busy?!

Oh...

The phone must still be off the hook.

Well, now I'm going to ask you a few
questions.

Pardon me, Sarge.

Do you need me anymore?

I'm off duty.

What's your hurry?

Well, I would like to see the end of
that fight.

Oh, sure, go ahead.

Thank you, Sarge.

Wait!

What's the matter?

Where'd everybody go?

What are you trying to do--

to be funny or something?

No, no, I was just thinking.

Officer, if you would go to my
apartment--

that's -B in the building where you
arrested us--

and tell our husbands that we're
here.

Well...

They're looking at the fight--

you can see it there.

Why not?

Okay.

Now, do you mind if I book you,
Sticky Fingers?

I am not Sticky Fingers.

Now, I'll tell you who I am.

Have you ever heard of Ricky Ricardo?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't recognize
you, Mr. Ricardo.

I've heard you sing "Babalu" many
times.

I am not Mr. Ricardo, I am his wife.

Have you got any identification to
prove it?

Identification?

Well, I certainly didn't think

I'd need my purse up on that roof.

Oh, no identification, huh?

Well, now, wait a minute, wait a
minute.

We can identify ourselves.

We can?

Sure.

Uh... uh...

Well?

I'd like you to meet

my friend, Ethel Mertz.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'd like for you to meet

my friend, Lucy Ricardo.

How do you do?

How do you...

Now, wait a minute!

That doesn't prove anything.

Well, it proves who we are.

Now, who are you?

Who am I?!

Don't you know?

I'm Sergeant Nelson.

How do we know that?

Because I say so!

Well, that isn't enough.

Do you have any identification?

My word is my identification!

Well, then that's good enough for all
three of us!

So it's settled:

I'm Lucy Ricardo, this is Ethel Mertz

and you're Sergeant Nelson.

How do you do?

How do you...

Now, cut that out!

Why should we believe you

if you don't believe us?

I'll show you why.

I've got some posters here

with your pictures on it.

You have not.

Oh, yes, I have, Sticky Fingers.

And don't call me Sticky Fingers!

That last round was a pip.

Oh, boy, two more rounds.

I don't see how either one of them

is still standing up.

What a fight, what a fight.

The blows that have
been landed have been hard, fast

and there have been literally
hundreds of them.

He's down!

Three, four...

five, six...

Come on, kid.

He's up!

Come on, kid, give it to him, kid!

Come on!

iEn la panza, en la panza!

Come on, give it to him.

Stay away from him.

I can't find your picture here,

but I've got a report on you.

Let's see...

Yeah, here it is.

"Sticky Fingers Sal and Pickpocket
Pearl,

"arrested June , .

"Sentenced and committed May ,
.

Now serving ten years at the state
prison farm."

There, how about that?

"Now serving ten years"?!

I've been telling you

that you were making a big mistake.

Now, look, my husband is Ricky
Ricardo

the orchestra leader.

And my husband is...

Her husband is Ricky Ricardo

the orchestra leader.

Well...

If you want to prove it

call that number again.

The policeman should be there by now.

For heaven's sake...

I never saw such a stubborn man in my
life.

He just goes on and on and on....

Give it to him.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Sarge.

Well?

It's like she said:

The two of them are watching
television.

Oh, no.

Is one of them Ricky Ricardo?

Yeah, that's him all right.

Ew... hold on.

-I'm sorry, you can go.
-Oh, we can go?

Well, you haven't heard the last of
this.

Jenkins, you idiot!

Now, wait a minute, Sarge, don't get
excited.

I can get out without them ever
knowing I've been here.

What?

I know it sounds crazy.

I'll explain it to you when I get
down there.

I'll be right over.

Come on, come on, come on...

Oh, what an experience!

Oh...

Oh, dear.

An earthquake wouldn't drag them

away from that set.

Say, how much do you think that cop
told them?

Do you think they'll be mad at us?

Listen, if they are, our only chance

is to be just as mad right back at
them.

This whole thing wouldn't have
happened

if they hadn't been so wrapped up in
their silly fight.

That's right.

Now, remember

we're going to be mad at them.

They make me sick.

Another left...

He's down!
he's down!

One, two, three...

Get up, Murphy!

Four, five...
Get up!

He didn't hit you.

Somebody hit him.

Eight, nine, ten!

Give me my money.

I'll pay you

but I think I got a short count.

Never mind.

Come on, let's get a sandwich, will
you?

You're a bum, Murphy!

Come on...

Ahh, here they are, Fred--

the two most wonderful wives in the
whole world.

Huh?

What a couple of dolls.

"Dolls"?

Certainly, who else has such
wonderful wives?

You knew that we wanted to watch the
fights

so you stayed right here in the
kitchen

and didn't bother us once.

Oh...

Oh, honey.