04x03 - The Business Manager

Complete collection of episode scripts for the TV series, "I Love Lucy". Aired October 1951 - May 1957.*
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Lucy & Ricky Ricardo live in New York, while Ricky tries to succeed in show business -- Lucy who is always trying to help -- usually ends up in some kind of trouble that drives Ricky insane.
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04x03 - The Business Manager

Post by bunniefuu »

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Breakfast will be ready in a few
minutes, honey.

RICKY: Okay.

Morning, Lucy.
Hi.

Brought up your mail.

Thank you.

Nothing but bills.

Bills, bills, bills.

That's all I ever get anymore.

Hey, speaking of bills,

I hate to bring it up, but how about
the rent?

Please, not before breakfast, Ethel.

Well, you know, I don't care, honey,

but last night Fred found out you'd
only paid half the rent.

Couldn't you have kept it from him?

You just be happy he didn't find out

it was half of last month's rent.

Shh!

Oh, Ethel, my accounts are all messed
up.

These are second and third notices

from every company in town.

They're threatening to shut off

everything but my oxygen supply.

(chuckling): Lucy.

How many of these things do they send

before they really shut things off?

I don't know.

Hey, I got a friend that works at the
power company.

You want me to call her up and find
out how many they send?

Okay. Yeah.

(No dial tone)

Lucy.

What?

There's no dial tone.

They didn't.

I'm afraid they did.

They can't do that to me!

Why, I've been giving them

all my telephone business for years.

(coughing)

I thought you said breakfast was
ready.

Honey, my mouth was all set for
waffles.

Oh, well, waffles are so fattening.

Dry cereal's better for you.

Better for me, too.

All right, anything,

just as long as I eat something.

Okay.

It's kind of dark in here.

What's the matter with this light?

Maybe it's a bad bulb?

All our lights are out.

Maybe the power is all off all over
the neighborhood?

No. I know what happened.

Well, I meant to pay the light bill,
Ricky.

I was going to say

it was probably Fred fooling around
with the fuse box again.

Oh, me and my big mouth.

Lucy.

Lucy.

There's nobody in here but us
deadbeats.

Lucy, you come out here.

Lucy!

Now, where do you think you're going?

Oh, hi, dear, I'm just going down to
see Ethel.

I'll be back in a couple of years.

Lucy.

You come back here.

Yes, sir?

I want an explanation.

Well, sir, I've had trouble with my
household budget before, sir,

but this is the worst it's been in
years, sir,

and uh...

Well, sir, uh, what with the taxes
and inflation

and the high cost of living, sir,
uh...

it's hard to know which way the
economic pendulum will swing.

Uh... well, sir, I...

How long are you going to let me talk
before you slug me?

You know what I'm going to do?

What?

I'm gonna get a business manager.

A business manager?

Yeah, a business manager.

A lot of people in show business have
them.

I've been thinking about it for a
long time.

Well, how does it work?

Well, he handles all the money and
pays all the bills.

Oh, well, that'll be wonderful!

Well, it'll cost a little; I think
it'll be worth it.

I'll call him right now.

Or is there any point in me trying to
use the telephone?

Well, you can try it,

but I think you'd have more luck with
two cans and a string.

Mr. Hickox, I hope you don't have too
much trouble

figuring out my bookkeeping system.

You know, I'm not exactly a CPA.

(forced chuckle)

I'm well aware of that, Mrs. Ricardo.

Well aware of that.

But I've been in this business for
years,

and I've never had any trouble

figuring out any books yet.

Oh.

Congratulations.

What for?

I've finally found a set of books I
can't figure out.

Now, I tell you what we think you'd
better do.

We'll, we'll wipe the slate clean

and start all over, all right?

Yes, sir, I'd like that. That's fine.

Now, here's your allowance for this
month.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I wish it was this easy to get
money out of Ricky.

That's what I'm here for, Mrs.
Ricardo--

to make things easier for you and Mr.
Ricardo.

Oh. Well, is this all there is to it?

You just give me the money and I
spend it?

Well, something like that.

Oh, boy, how long has this been going
on?

Lucy, we...
Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, hi.
I didn't know you had company.

Oh, that's all right.

Mr. Hickox, this is Fred and Ethel
Mertz.

They own this building.

And this is Mr. Andrew Hickox, our
new business manager.

Oh, how do you do?

How are you?

Well, are we just about all figured
out, Mr. Hickox?

Well, not quite, Mrs. Ricardo.

As well as I can figure out from
these books,

you owe a few back bills.

A few, yes.

I'd like to start you off even with
everybody.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

Now, let me see.

The milk bill, $ .

I'll take care of that for you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, out of here?

That's what the allowance is for-- to
pay the bills

Twenty?

How about the month and a half rent?

Uh, I'll take care of that for you.

Thank you.

Now, let me see, telephone, $ . .

Gas and electric, $ . -- that's $ .

Twenty more.

And the cleaning and laundry, $
even.

There we are. Now you can spend the
rest any way you want.

The rest?

There's just $ left.

Five dollars.

$ to buy food and have my hair
dyed-- done?

Well, at least I have a choice.

I can be a thin redhead or a fat
brunette.

We'll see you later, Lucy. Come on,
Fred.

Oh, listen, Ethel,

may I speak to you in the kitchen
privately?

What did you want?

Where's the money?

Old sticky fingers got it away from
me.

Oh...

Well, I couldn't have loaned it to
you anyway

as long as he knew I had it.

Well, Mr. Hickox is just gonna have
to give me more money.

Oh, I'll bet you can't talk him into
it.

I'll bet I can.

What makes you think so?

He's a man, isn't he?

I have a feeling your old wheedle,
plead and cry routine

won't work on him.

Want to bet?

How much?

Five dollars.

Okay.

(sighs)

Mr. Hickox, I, uh...

I know you want to be fair about this

but, uh, after all, I'm no magician,

and the way things worked out,

$ is all that I have left for the
whole month.

I know.

That's $ for everything,

not to mention miscellaneous.

Yes.

Uh... that comes to about $ . a
week.

Right.

Uh, per day that is only...

and / cents.

and / cents.

Correct.

Well, obviously, a family of three

cannot live on that.

True.

So, you will just have to give me
more money.

Not a chance.

(coughs)

Well, my goodness, it's our money!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Ricardo.

But that's what you hired me for.

Well, we didn't hire you

to keep our money when we need it.

Now, Mr. Hickox, I'm just going to
have to have more money.

After all, half of that money is
mine.

I worked very hard around here.

I take care of the house and I take
care of that baby

and if you don't appreciate what I
do,

then I guess you just don't want me
around here!

I can always take little Ricky
and-and leave you,

you selfish beast!

You'd better save that for Mr.
Ricardo.

Oh.

Now, look Mr. Hickox, I can't believe

that a charming, wonderful,
understanding man like you

would refuse to give me a few paltry
little dollars.

Uh, Mrs. Ricardo...

Oh, my goodness!

I never noticed what beautiful blue
eyes you have.

Did anyone ever tell you you look
like Clark Gable?

No.

Oh.

Well, now, Mrs. Ricardo, I'm afraid
you find me

a little hardhearted.

You have to be in my business.

After all, I'm only doing it for your
own good.

I know.

I know, Mr. Hickox, it's all right.

Don't worry about me, I'll manage
somehow.

Of course, towards the end of the
month,

we'll probably get pretty hungry,

and the baby won't have any milk,

the poor little thin thing.

(sniffling)

Well, now, Mrs. Ricardo,

you probably have a point there as
far as food is concerned.

I tell you what I'll do.

You'll give me more money?

No.

I'll arrange some credit,

and you can charge your groceries at
the store.

Bu-But what about some extra money
for me for the...

for the movies and my clothes and my
hair?

You can use your $ for that.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh... I'm going shopping.

Is there anything I can get for you?

They're having a sale at Saks.

Please, Ethel, don't rub it in.

I'm sorry. I know

there's nothing I can get for you, is
there?

Not unless they're selling money
marked down to nothing.

Aw, you poor little thing,

you don't have any fun anymore, do
you?

Oh, sure, I get to go to the market

and pinch the melons and smell the
ground coffee.

Lucy...
Hmm.

can I ask you a personal question?

What?

You haven't had your hair touched up
for two weeks.

What does it look like under that
scarf?

Looks like I'm wearing a black
beanie.

I'll bet.

See you later.

Happy shopping.

Happy market.

Oh, say, as long as you're going down
there,

would you get me a couple of things?

Sure.
Let's see, I need

a loaf of whole wheat bread

and a bottle of half-and-half

and a pound of round steak.

Bread, half-and-half and round steak.

Well, hello, George, long time no
see.

They're making the bills smaller,
aren't they?

Oh, Lucy, it hasn't been that long.

You know, I could pull a fast one on
Mr. Hickox

and charge your groceries along with
mine

and just keep this money.

Yeah.

Would serve him right.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Ethel!

Why not?

You wouldn't!

Oh, wouldn't I?

Don't you need some more groceries
today, Ethel?

No, no, I don't.

Well, how about tomorrow and the day
after?

I'll do your shopping every day.

Well...

what have I got to lose?

And, hey...

Where are you going?

What are you going to do?

Who are you going to call?

What I'm doing for you,

I can do for everybody in this
building.

Hello, Mrs. Trumbull, this is Lucy
Ricardo.

Oh, I'm fine, dear.
I was just off to the market

and I was wondering, could I pick
something up for you?

Oh, no, no trouble at all.

I'd be glad to.

All right.

Uh-huh.

Dozen oranges, yeah...

and a quart of milk...

Oh, come in, Mrs. Trumbull.

I came up to get my daily delivery,
Mrs. Ricardo.

Yeah, I'll get your list.

Let's see now...

Benson, Williams, Trumbull.

Can of green beans.

Yes.

There we are.

A box of crackers.

Yes.

I got the saltines.

That's the kind.

Oh, and I got a big, fat, roasting
chicken for you.

All right.

It's a beauty.

Oh.

And a quart of milk...

Yes.

And a bottle of sherry.

Cooking sherry.

Cooking sherry.

There we are, that's $ . .

Here you are, $ ...
and, uh... cents.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mrs. Ricardo, I hate to seem nosy.

Do you mind if I ask why you're doing
this?

Oh, I don't know, Mrs. Trumbull,

it's just a hobby.

A hobby?

Yeah, you know, some people collect
stamps, I buy groceries.

I guess it takes all kinds.

Oh, morning, Mrs. Trumbull.

Hi, Lucy.

Oh, Mrs. Ricardo, I almost forgot.

Tomorrow will you buy me a can of All
Pet?

All Pet?

For my cat.

Oh, yes, yes, uh-huh.

Tuesday... buy...
can... All Pet. Yeah.

Thank you.

All right, dear.

Good-bye.

Bye. Bye, Mrs. Trumbull.

Well, how's the redheaded
greengrocer?

(chuckling)

I'm fine.
You want your order?

Yep.

Loaf of bread.

Mm-hmm.

Some waxed paper.

Yep.

Mayonnaise.

Mm-hmm.

I got the large one.
Is that all right?

Yeah.

Where's my flour?

Right here.

Oh, here it is.

Yeah, right.

That's, uh, $ . .

$ . ... okay, got it right here.

One, two, three...

(muttering)

. .

Thank you.

How are you doing?

Fine. I've been in business a week--

I got more money than I know what to
do with.

Lucy, I hate to be the one to wipe
that smile off your face,

but do you realize that at the end of
the month,

you have got to pay that bill at the
market?

Oh, no, I don't.
Mr. Hickox does.

He's the one that arranged the
credit.

But it's your money.

But it's his responsibility.

He's the business manager, let him
manage.

Honey, I'm home.

Uh... I'll be right there, dear.

Hi, dear.

Hello, honey.

(quiet chuckle)

You had your hair done.

Yeah, this morning.

It looks nice, but, uh, how could you
afford it?

Oh, there are ways.

Is that a new dress?

Yes. Do you like it?

Yeah.

But, uh, what cooks?

Hair and a new dress...


Where you get the money?

Please, I don't discuss money
anymore.

You'll have to talk to my business
manager.

Well, I don't get it.

My allowance is completely gone.

Bad planning, dear.

I don't even have enough money for a
haircut.

My goodness.

Oh, dear, and you do look a little
seedy.

What with the nightclub and all,

you really should look your best,
dear.

Here you are.

Go get yourself a haircut.

While you're at it, get a manicure
and a shave.

Keep the change.

Lucy, wait a minute!

Where you getting all this money?

Please, never mind.

We really should have gotten a
business manager

a lot sooner, dear.

Hey, Rick?

Yeah, Fred.

Where are you?

Here.

Oh, I came over to see if you two
kids

could go to the movies with us.

I'll pay for it.

Well, that's all right.
I'll go with you,

but you don't have to pay for it.

We're not that broke yet.

Oh.

As a matter of fact, Lucy is loaded.

Loaded?

She just showed me a roll of bills
that big around.

Ah.

She been borrowing money from you?

Are you out of your mind?

Yeah, I guess I should have known
better than to ask that.

Where is she getting the money?

Well, maybe your business manager got
soft-hearted.

Are you kidding? Mr. Hickox?

He makes you look like Diamond Jim
Brady.

Well, come to think about it,

Lucy and Ethel have been whispering
together

until I get near and then they shut
right up.

Can't you get Ethel to tell you what
it's all about?

No, for once those big blabbery lips
are sealed.

I'm telling you, something is
cooking,

but I sure can't find out what it is.

Well, I only got one clue.

What's that?

Well, they had their heads together
the other day

and before they saw me,

I think I heard Lucy say something
about the market.

The market?

Yeah.

The market?

Yeah.

That's it.

That must be it.
What?

Lucy's playing the stock market.

Lucy Ricardo?

Well, I know it sounds kind of crazy
and everything,

but, you know, sometimes people,

th-th-they get hunches on what horses
to play

what stock to buy.

Maybe she has a sixth sense.

Well, she might; she never had any
before.

Well, I know that it's crazy,

but, uh, what if she is playing the
stock market?

Well, then we'd all better get ready
for another crash.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

It's too fantastic to be true.

I wish I knew where she's getting all
that money.

So do I.

Hey, Fred.

Come here.

Look at this.

Read that.

"Tuesday buy can All Pet."

That's it.

That's it, what?

That must be the stock

that she's investing her money in
tomorrow.

That doesn't sound like stock.

Well, you know how they list them
sometimes.

Come on, let's look at the stock
exchange.

All right.

Here's the paper.

Can All Pet.

Here it is.

Can All Pet.

C...

Canadian Allied Petroleum.

Are you sure you're right?

Look, right underneath-- Can All Pet
preferred.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

And look at the price, look how cheap
it is.

Well, maybe Lucy's got a tip that
it's going up.

How do you like that?
You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna call Mr. Hickox right now

and tell him to buy me some of that
stock.

Yeah?

Yes, and a dozen chocolate cookies,

two lemon pies,

a devil's food cake

and a jar of strawberry jam.

Yes, and pounds of sugar.

(chuckling): Well, I know it sounds
like a lot,

but I have quite a sweet tooth.

How's that?

Oh, yes, I know we're running up
quite a bill.

$ ?

Oh, well, don't worry about it.

Our business manager will take care
of it

at the end of the month.
Yes, good-bye.

Lucy!
Yeah?

Lucy, guess what!
What?

Look! Look!

Where did you get all that money?

The same place you got your money
from.

I don't know what you mean. Where?

The market.

You know. Who told you?

If Ethel blabbed...

Nobody told me!
Nobody told me!

I just found that pad where you write
your tips on.

My tips?

Yeah.

How did you know what to buy? It's
amazing!

Amazing? What are you talking about?

I just buy what the people want.

Oh... just buy what the people want.

That's sounds very easy.

But how do you know what the people
want?

How do you know what to buy and when
to buy it?

How did you--

a typical, ordinary New York
housewife--

know that today was the day to buy
Canadian Allied Petroleum?

How you know that?

Canadian Allied Petroleum?

How did you know that?

Well, uh...

What?

Sit down. Sit down.

Let-Let's start from the beginning,
huh?

Yeah, yeah.

All right. Now, look, Fred overheard
you say

something to Ethel about the market.

Uh-huh.
Well, we couldn't dream

that it could possibly be the stock
market.

But then I found that pad there

where you had written "buy can All
Pet."

"Tuesday, buy can All Pet."

So I looked in the stock exchange

and there it was, as big as life:

"Canadian Allied Petroleum"!

Canadian Allied Petroleum.

Yeah. So, I-I called Mr. Hickox

and I told him to buy me some of the
stock.

So you know what he say?
He said it was bad stock.

(guffawing)

Bad stock.

He said it was bad stock.

Yeah.

(both laughing)

I fire him.

You what?

I fired him.

Well-well, what for?

Well, who needs him?

I do.

Now, honey, we can trust your
judgment a lot better

than we can trust his.

And we can pay our own bills.

We can?

Sure.

Now, honey, tell me something. Um...

Where did you get this-this- this
power you have?

Is it, uh, is it some kind of a sixth
sense?

Yeah. Yeah, th-th-that's it.

Some kind of a sixth sense.

I, um... I found out

that if I just stand still and
listen,

a little voice tells me what to buy.

A little voice, eh?

Yeah.

And, uh, and yesterday it said,

(with singsong voice): "Buy Canadian
allied..."

"Petroleum."

"Petroleum," yeah.

How about that?

Well look, honey,

I made $ , on this stock.

A thousand?!

$ , . So I tell you what I'm gonna
do.

I'm gonna give you half of it.

Oh, boy.

There you are, bucks.

Boy.

Now I suppose you're going to put it

right back in the market?

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do
with it all right.

Well, um...

Uh...

What looks good?

What does the little small voice say
today?

I haven't asked it.

Oh, I...

Uh... shh... shh...

That's funny.

What's the matter?
He ain't talking?

Uh... I-I can't hear anything.

Um...

Lucy to Little Small Voice.

Come in, Little Small Voice. Over.

Lucy to Little Small Voice.

Come in, Little Small Voice. Over.

I'm sorry, Ricky.

I guess the spell was broken once you
found out.

Well, keep trying, honey. Keep
trying.

Well, I'll try, but I don't really
think

there's any use, dear.

We'll have time.
Keep trying, dear.

Lucy to Little Small Voice.

Come in, Little Small Voice. Over.

Lucy Ricardo... Huh?

Did he say something?

No. No.

Uh, come in, Little Small Voice.
Over.

Lucy Ricardo calling Little Small
Voice...

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.
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