10x07 - Take Me to Your Leader

[bunniefuu]

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[DEAN MARTIN'S "THAT'S AMORE"]

♪ ♪

♪ When the moon hits your eye ♪

♪ Like a big pizza pie, that's amore ♪

♪ ♪

♪ When the world seems to shine ♪

♪ Like you've had too much wine ♪

♪ That's amore ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪

♪ Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing ♪

♪ Vita Bella ♪

[BELL JINGLING]

♪ Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay ♪

♪ Tippy-tippy-tay
like a gay tarantella ♪

♪ ♪

♪ When the stars make you drool... ♪

Timothy! Come wash up for supper.

Your father will be home soon.

In a minute, Mom!

[BELL JINGLING]

♪ With a cloud at your feet,
you're in love ♪

[WIND ROARING]

Mama! Dust devils!

- ♪ Bells will ring ♪
- ♪ Ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪

- ♪ Ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪
- ♪ And you'll sing ♪

♪ Vita Bella ♪

♪ Vita bell... vita Bella ♪

- ♪ Hearts will play ♪
- ♪ Tippy-tippy-tay ♪

♪ Tippy-tippy-tay ♪

ALL: ♪ Like a gay tarantella ♪

[RUMBLING]

♪ When the... ♪

[STATIC CRACKLING]

♪ When you walk... ♪

[EERIE MUSIC]

[RECORD PLAYING IN REVERSE]

♪ ♪

[BELL JINGLING]

Timmy.

Timmy! Timmy!

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Timmy!

Timmy!

[DIAL TONE HUMS]

Mommy? Please don't be afraid.

Timmy! Oh, my God, where are you?

[YELLS]

Timmy?

Mommy, please don't be afraid.

Take my hand, Mommy.

You don't have to be afraid.

♪ ♪

[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE]

Oh, honey, I'm so hungry
I could eat a horse.

Maria?

♪ ♪

Maria?

Maria.

[SCREECHING]

♪ ♪

[CHILLING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You're awful quiet today, Mr. President.

Oh, come on, guys.

And for the umpteenth time, Ike.

Came here to be with friends,
not subordinates.

Right, and you're
supposed to be relaxing, Ike.

So what is it? Korea? McCarthy?

Mamie won't let you eat off TV trays?

[CHUCKLES]

No, it's just a little question I have.

So why is it I can land
, soldiers in Normandy...

[GROANS]

But I can't put one lousy ball
in one lousy hole?

I'd give anything for that answer.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Mm.

And they say you're not a deep thinker.

Ah, they're probably right.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh-oh.

Looks like you're "Mr. President" again.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

We need to speak, Mr. President.

It's urgent.

[SIGHS]

Excuse me, fellas.

There's been an incursion
into U.S. airspace.

Vehicle was sh*t down by an interceptor

just north of Edwards Air Force base.

Was it the Russians?

We don't think so, sir.

Then excuse me, fellas.

♪ ♪

Ugh, I'm telling you.

Bet it was the duck that
they served from the hunt.

Bit into some buckshot
and cracked a tooth.

That was two nights ago.

Why is this the first
I'm hearing about it?

Well, I didn't want to, uh,

spoil the dinner and worry you.

There's a doctor at the base.

I'm sure he can put a cap on it.

So you're driving to an air force base

to see a dentist.

If I go into... if I go into town

for any kind of medical procedure,

it'll set off the press,

and you know how those boys are.

What's going on, Ike?

[POP MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]

Who are you going to see?

Now, don't look at me as if

I have no right to ask you that.

We both know not all of your secrets

have to do with national security.

I'm just gonna go see
a man with a drill.

That's all.

One year in office,
and you still can't lie

to save your life.

I suppose I should be proud of you.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

We still can't identify the vehicle.

It's not one of ours, that much we know.

We have managed to locate a body.

A body?

Was pretty messed up in the crash.

Can't tell what it is.

Sir, if I may,

there's still a concern about radiation.

Mother of God.

♪ ♪

[DEVICES WHIRRING AND CLICKING]

[GEIGER COUNTER CRACKLING]

Show me.

Looks like a child.

Get it back to the base.

Is this site secure?

Nothing's getting in or out.

We have two King s
on their way from Edwards

to haul this thing away.

♪ ♪

Well, we can safely say
it's not the Russians

or the Chinese
or the Boy Scouts of America.

No, sir.

And now we have ourselves
a new question.

Why?

Why is it here?

Sir!

You need to see this!

♪ ♪

It's okay.

It's... it's okay.

It's okay. We're here to help.

Who are you?

Can you tell me your name?

My name...

Is Amelia.

Amelia?

Amelia Earhart.

♪ ♪

Our plane was approaching
Howland Island.

We were having trouble with our RDF.

We couldn't get a signal.
It was very weak.

I told Fred we must have blown a fuse,

but he said it was working, so.
[CHUCKLES]

Keep going, Amelia. It's important.

We maintained our heading,

but Howland Island,
it just wasn't there.

There was just ocean.

We couldn't understand it.

And then all our instruments,
they went...

[SIGHS] They went crazy.

All of the dials, they were just...

Just spinning.

We couldn't make sense of anything.

We were going down.

And then everything went white.

It was like we flew into the sun.

And that's all.

Well, that's all I remember.

And those marks on your body,

how did you get those?

[SIGHS]

- Needles.
- Needles?

Needles. I don't like needles.

I don't trust them, but they insisted.

They said that it was important,

that it wouldn't hurt, but it did.

Sometimes they took my blood;
sometimes they...

Put things inside me.

Who?

Amelia, who did this to you?

Where am I?

You're in an American air force base

in California, Miss Earhart.

You're safe here.

My name is Dwight Eisenhower,

and I'm the President
of the United States.

You're a liar. Franklin
Roosevelt is president.

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here? What's going on?

Where's Fred?

Where's Fred? I want to talk to Fred.

Please, I want to talk to him.

Please, please, I want to talk to Fred.

Fred!

Where's Fred? No, please. No.

Fred! I want to talk to Fred!

I want to talk to Fred!

You're not Americans!
You're not American!

Fred! You're not Americans!

I'm fine, I'm fine.

[AMELIA SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

No, get it away from me!

Please, no more, no more!

[SOBBING]

What'd you find out?

Miss Earhart's fingerprints
are still on file with the FBI,

but it's gonna take at least a day

to get a comparison.

I think we both know
what the results will be.

Sir, Amelia Earhart disappeared in .

Nearly years ago.

She'd be almost .

Mamie used to keep
a photo of her in her office.

She worshipped the woman.

I saw that photo practically every day.

That... that's Amelia Earhart.

She's sedated, Mr. President.

Whatever she needs, she gets.

Understood.

Uh, there's something else, sir.

While you were speaking to her,
we got back

a preliminary serum analysis.

And?

The patient, uh,

she's two months pregnant.

How's that even possible?

Never mind.

The body they recovered
from the crash site,

have they started on it yet?

They're about to, sir.

♪ ♪

[FILM REEL CLICKING]

Mr. President, they're starting.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

There's nothing here.
No internal organs at all.

It's like some kind of shell.

What does that mean?

How can it be empty?

[SOFT CHITTER]

What was that?

[SOFT CHITTER]

Give me the lamp.

Be careful, Tom.

[CHIRP, ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Wait.

[YELLING]

Somebody get in here!

Mr. President.

Somebody get in there and help that man!

[ALARM BLARING]

Mr. President, I need you to follow me.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hold your fire!

Lower your weapons.

Whoever you are,

wherever you come from,

I implore you...

Stop what you're doing.

Stop?

Whatever it is that you want,

I'm sure we can come
to an understanding.

Reach an agreement.

I have the power to do that.

I'm the President of the United States.

And this world, it's been trying

to destroy itself for as long
as I can remember,

and we don't need any more help,

so I'm asking you,

stop the k*lling

and just listen to me.

Mr. President,

it is you who will listen to us.

Uh, do you have Juyondai Ryusen?

Um, I don't think so. Is it on the menu?

I don't see it, no,
but you probably wouldn't.

It's super high end, the kind of thing

the owner would have hidden in the back

for those in the know.

How about Niizawa Super ?

Not if it's not on the menu.

Sorry. [LAUGHS]

I... I did a term in Japan this year,

and I, uh, got a little spoiled
with the sake.

Just bring me a bottle of Tatsuriki,

but wait until
my friends arrive to serve it.

I don't want it losing its chill.

[EERIE MUSIC]

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

There she is!

God, you're so beautiful.

- I've missed you.
- You look so good.

Mm! [LAUGHS]

- Hey! Where's Jamie?
- Parking the car.

Oh, thank you.

- There she is.
- There she is.

Wow. Also looking stunning.

Hi!

- Hi.
- You look beautiful.

Oh, thank you, guys.

God. Hi.

- Hello.
- Yeah, well, thank you.

We did it.

And what is this?

It's not the best,
but it's the best they got.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- To summer.

- ALL: To summer.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Guys.

- It's so good to see you guys.
- Right?

The g*ng is back together.

It's the first summer all
together since college started.

- Ugh.
- Ugh. I blame myself.

Why did I say yes
to those stupid internships?

Wasting my summers away getting coffee

for douchebag Facebook execs

and congressmen
with -year-old girlfriends.

- Ew.
- I blame Cal too.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Seriously, though, guys,
I missed you so much.

This year's been so stressful...
applying to med schools

while going back and forth from home

to help my mom with my dad.

Ah, yeah. How is he?

- Cancer sucks.
- I'm so sorry, Kenny.

It's fine. No sad stuff tonight.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yes.

What's everyone's update?

Uh, y...

we're f*cking.

Okay, we are more than f*cking.
We are dating.

- Oh, what?
- What?

Kendall, honey, come on.

- You didn't know?
- [TROY AND CAL LAUGH]

- Um, Troy took my virginity.
- And how was it?

I mean, yeah, it was terrible,

but I thought that was
due to lack of experience,

not lack of interest in vag*na.

We didn't act on it
until we got to Princeton

and we roomed together.

Those dorms were small.

First, you know,

you jack off at the same time,
but in the dark,

and then you just
start doing it together,

and before you know it,
you're late for your

Great Thinkers of Enlightenment Class

because you have your best
friend's d*ck in your mouth.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Do your parents know?

I thought Orthodox Jews
weren't down with the gays.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We, uh, we hired Cal to be
our Shabbos goy

since we've both been home from school

so I can sneak him into the house.

Shabbos goy?

Oh, so, um.

You know, Jews aren't allowed
to use any electronics

during the sabbath,
so you hire a gentile

to turn lights off and on
or turn the stove on or...

- drive to the store.
- No.

My Shabbos goy.

- But you have sex on Saturday.
- Yes.

That doesn't seem kosher.

Yeah, well, I only bottom on Saturday.

That way, he's the only one
doing any work.

- Oh, my gosh.
- [CAL AND KENDALL LAUGH]

That's cute. Hmm.

You okay?

Something isn't right about you.

Yeah, you said no sad stuff tonight.

I didn't mean it like that.

- I met a guy.
- Mm.

Most wonderful guy.

He's brilliant, and we were, like,

already in love, you know,
on our first date,

and, um, it was perfect.

Um, but then we got home,

and we fooled around...

Micropenis?

- No.
- Definitely not.

Um, but he, uh...
he didn't have a condom,

so, like, we didn't have sex,
so he just went down on me,

and then just jerked off on my tits.

Uh, but when his...
his stuff, like, hit my skin,

it felt like, uh, acid.

f*ck!

You're allergic to his man juice?

Seminal plasma hypersensitivity.

She has a reaction
to the proteins in his semen.

God, is there something
she could take for that?

Like, take a Benadryl
before they bang or something?

No, there's nothing we can do.

- Ugh.
- No.

Hey, this sucks, but I promise you,

we are gonna make sure that
by the end of this summer,

you'll totally forget about this dude

and his venomous jizz.

This summer is going to be party!

- Party!
- Whoo!

- Party, baby.
- Come on.

- Cheers.
- [LAUGHTER]

[PHONES CHIMING]

You guys, we're an hour
into our summer reunion,

and you're already all more
interested in your phones?

Put them away.

All right, Mom.

Do you feel that?

That tension that comes up inside

when you think about
putting your phones away?

It's called "nomophobia",

as in "no mobile phone phobia".

That is not a real thing.

It is, and it's a leading cause

of anxiety in young people.

It's why I joined
the Luddite Club at Harvard.

I'm cured of the curse of technology.

Yeah, okay.

I was taking a class called
Years of Technology,

all about how the human race

has had more technological advances

in the last years

than in the previous , combined.

Well, the truth is that
if we took someone

from the second century B.C.,
and we drop him

in the th century A.D., well,

they're gonna adapt pretty quickly.

All right, and you ask someone
from the s

to live in , they're gonna
have a nervous breakdown.

See, guys, we've
advanced technologically

far faster than, well,

our brains or our emotions can adapt.

He was brilliant,

so I asked if I could
pick his brain after class.

[BOTH PANTING]

[INQUISITIVE MUSIC]

He was so calm and centered
and anxiety-free.

He explained that it was because

he wasn't a sl*ve to technology.

He didn't have a computer
or a smartphone

- or even the Internet.
- Hold up.

Is this why we could only
call you on a landline?

Yes... I'm a proud member
of the Luddite Club.

Yeah, the original Luddites

were th-century
English textile workers

who would destroy
their textile machinery

as a protest to all the machines

that they thought could do the work

that humans should be doing.

So you're saying you don't
use any tech at all?

I mean, I have to write
my papers on a computer,

but I do all my research at the library,

and all my teachers know I can't
be contacted through email.

Okay, Kendall, I love you.
Shut up. I respect you.

But that Adam guy must have
a -inch d*ck,

because that is the
dumbest sh*t I've ever heard.

Technology is awesome.

You wanna be a doctor.

What would medicine be
without robotic surgeries

or MRI machines?

Or HD video, GPS. Uber f*cking Eats.

Okay, look, I know
we can't avoid it forever,

but you have to believe me.

It's the biggest relief
to be free from it,

just for a little while.

Do you remember that camping trip

our parents took us on
when we were all, like, eight?

ALL: Yeah.

And no phones or iPads
or anything allowed?

Wasn't that the most fun
we've all had together?

Yes, it was fun.

Let's at least do this
camping trip like that.

Just see how good it feels...
not a full break,

just a vacation from it.

Mm, at least I won't be
checking my phone

- to see if he's texted me.
- [GASPS]

Can we get one of those
Bedouin tents in Joshua Tree?

- [GASPS]
- Ooh, glamping.

So are we all in?

[SIGHS] To a, uh, Luddite summer?

ALL: To a Luddite summer!

[FUNKY MUSIC]

[BLONDIE'S "RAPTURE"]

♪ ♪

Okay. I'm all set. Let's go.

We can go when you take
your phone out of your pocket.

- What?
- Huh?

What's in your pocket?

- I don't have my...
- What do you have in there?

- Nothing.
- Huh? Huh? Huh?

Okay, all right, okay, fine.

I know you so well, babe.

Yeah, but, like... [GROANS]

f*ck.

♪ Wall to wall ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ And they're stepping lightly ♪

[GASPS] You guys!

Oh!

- Sweet.
- Wow!

- Oh.
- Oh, wow!

All night.

♪ Back to back ♪

♪ Sacroiliac ♪

♪ Spineless movement ♪

♪ And a wild att*ck ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Face to face ♪

♪ Sightless solitude ♪

♪ And it's finger popping ♪

♪ -hour shopping ♪

♪ In rapture ♪

♪ ♪

Almost there.

Are you sure we're going the right way?

I feel like we're not going
the right way.

Yes. It's right around...

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

This wasn't here before.

From the looks of it, babe,

this has been here
since God was a child.

No, no, no, it... this was...

there was a pond here yesterday.

Yeah, I think we just
got turned around or something.

I told you we shouldn't
be following him.

You know he has
a sh*t sense of direction.

But I like the view.

I can hear you f*ckers.

♪ ♪

Uh, you guys, I think we should go back.

If we go right up here...

Oh, my... [SNIFFS]

Oh, my God, what is that smell?

It smells like something d*ed.

Can we not do this right now?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

What the f*ck?

- Someone mutilated them.
- How?

I mean, look... look at them.

There aren't any pools of blood.

- Kendall, don't.
- Kendall.

This is a really bad idea.

♪ ♪

If they were cut with a saw or a Kn*fe,

there'd be blood everywhere.

- [COW MOOS]
- [GASPS]

[JAMIE AND KENDALL SCREAM]

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Come on!

Kendall, come on!

♪ ♪

[TENSE MUSIC]

Okay, come on, guys.
It's gonna be dark soon.

- The road is...
- A road without lights

is still safer than sleeping here

with the Bovine Butcher
on the loose, so.

I still don't understand, like, how.

They were mooing!

Those half f*cking cows
were f*cking mooing.

- Come on!
- Hurry up!

Maybe it was just, like, the wind

whistling through
their carcasses or something.

♪ ♪

How far to the next town?

An hour at least.

- Oh, my God, Cal!
- I'm sorry!

I can't see a damn thing!
I hate driving at night.

- Well, then why are you?
- I can't; it's Saturday.

Okay, well, let one of us drive then.

Be my guest.

- [ENGINE CHUGGING]
- [TIRES SCREECH]

- Cal, Cal, why are you braking?
- I'm not doing anything.

I don't know. I don't know
what's happening.

- What the f*ck?
- Oh, my God.

- I'm not doing anything.
- Cal, did you turn the car off?

- No, I didn't!
- What are you doing?

Wait, guys... do you hear that?

[SILENCE]

All the crickets stopped.

[EERIE MUSIC]

- Oh, my God.
- What the hell is that?

[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

Is it a helicopter?

♪ ♪

Oh, Jesus.

[MACHINERY HUMMING]

Where's it going?

f*ckin'...

Go. Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Guys, it won't start!
- Go now! Call for help!

We don't have phones, Kendall!

The... the car does!

- Come on, come on.
- What is that?

- Come on!
- Come on.

[SCREAMS]

[ALIEN CHITTERING]

- Help!
- No, no, no, no, no!

No!

♪ ♪

[WOLF HOWLS]

Hey.

- Hmm. Hmm.
- You okay?

- Yeah, I don't know.
- What was that?

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

There was a light.

I didn't imagine that.

Wait.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Where's Jamie?

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

Oh, my God, Jamie! Oh, my God, Jamie!

How did you get out of the car?

- I didn't.
- Her pulse is racing.

- She's...
- She's leaving with us.

- Come on.
- Let's go. You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

We need to get the f*ck out of here.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

- You're driving.
- So?

It's Saturday.

We were all put in different seats.

What the f*ck? You're right.

- How is that possible?
- I don't care!

I just wanna go home.

♪ ♪

It wasn't dr*gs.

Nobody was high.

Well, I don't know, it sure sounds

like hallucination.

I mean, mooing half cows?

Sure no one decided
to spike the Kool-Aid?

Hey, what about your friend Nino?

- He seems like the type.
- His name is Cal.

And what the hell does that mean?

It's just the way you talk about him.

You know, he's always on.

I mean, he has to show off
to demonstrate his power.

I never said any of that. [SIGHS]

I remember seeing this TV show
when I was a kid

that talked about lost time.

It had something to do
with alien abduction,

but I can't remember everything.

Can't I just borrow my parents' computer

and Google it just this once?

Yeah, I mean, sure,
as long as you're okay saying

that you only believe in something

as long as it's convenient for you.

It's a slippery slope, Kenny.

All right, look,
you should eat something.

Uh, leafy greens, lean protein.

No drunk food.

Not sure my stomach is up for that.

I'm feeling a little queasy.

Well, you gotta stay hydrated.

What about some soup?

Yeah, I can, uh, I can
send you some ramen

from that place that...

[EERIE MUSIC]

Kendall?

[LINE TRILLS]

Hello?

Kendall?

Uh, I feel like sh*t.

I've been puking all afternoon.

Me too.

Did we not cook that bacon enough?

Mm-mm, no, if it was food poisoning,

we would've felt better
after we threw up.

I've only felt like this one other time,

and I was , remember?

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

You think we're pregnant?

That's not possible.

I mean, it's technically possible.

Adam and I have a lot of sex.

But I'm on the pill.

And, uh, the only guy
I've been with lately

almost k*lled me with his cum.

I'm not saying that it's likely;

I'm just saying that this

is what it feels like when you are.

Adam thinks maybe the boys
dosed us with something.

Do you think they had sex
with us or something

and we don't remember?

No, no, absolutely not.

Okay, um, I'm coming over,

but I'm gonna stop
by the drug store first.

See you in a few.

[RETCHING]

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[GROANS]

[COUGHS]

Oh, baby.

Baby, when's the last time
I ate your ass?

I don't know, like, a week ago?

I think I have Giardia again.

What the f*ck is Giardia?

It's when you eat ass...

My ass is always spotless.

And you get infected
with invisible microbes

or some sh*t.

It's very common; I got it once
senior year of high school.

When you were on the down-low
with the quarterback,

you ate the quarterback's ass?

[CHUCKLES] Often, yes.

And vice versa.

[GROANS] But yes.

I got Giardia from Kyle,

and I felt so sick and
so nauseous for weeks.

And I had to take a test
from our family's doctor,

and it came back positive for Giardia.

What did you do?

Well, I was mortified.

I lied and I said that

I ate some unwashed fecal fruit
or some sh*t.

- [LAUGHS]
- What'd you have to take?

Flagyl.

Awful, but it went away after a week.

Okay.

- Mm.
- I love you.

I love you.

- Uh.
- What?

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Troy?
- Oh, my God.

- What's wrong?
- I don't feel so good.

[EERIE MUSIC]

It's not possible.

Give me your phone.

Just give it to me.

Jesus, what are you looking up?

- Alien abductions.
- Pfft.

Don't give me that look.

When all reasonable explanations
have been eliminated...

You decide it's aliens? Hmm?

There has to be a rational

- explanation for this.
- Like what?

I secretly have two uteruses

my ob-gyn hasn't noticed until now?

I've developed the ability
to asexually reproduce?

There have been stories about
this kind of thing for decades.

Some of them seem pretty credible.

There's so much information out there.

Stories about lost time

and alien experimentation on humans.

Betty and Barney Hill in .

You know, some people think
Amelia Earhart was abducted.

"Close Encounters" was not
a documentary, Kendall.

[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

Hey, guys.

Guys, we've been puking all day.

I keep craving weird sh*t

like vanilla yogurt with barbecue chips,

but when I eat it, I can't keep it down.

How's your chest?

Like I've been punched
in the tits by Tyson.

What? No! It's not possible.

What?

I need you guys to do something for me.

This is so dumb.

Men can't get pregnant!

Just shut up.

Something's happening on mine.

Holy sh*t. What does that mean?

It means all four of us are pregnant.

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