02x03 - Mirror Mirror

[bunniefuu]

- Aaarghhh!
- Aaarghhh!

Get off!

For garlic's sake, Boris!

- You were sleep-flying again.
- Was I?

Face it. You're becoming a vampire.

I can't be!

I'm not turning till next week!

Why d'you think I had to ban Robin from the castle?

That was a misunderstanding! I was squeezing a spot on his neck.

What, with your teeth?

Not a good sign.

Look, I hate to say this, but

I don't think we can share a room any more.

- You're throwing me out?
- Oh, no!

- Well, yeah. There's a spare coffin in the crypt.
- The crypt!

- With the dead people!
- We're vampires. Dead is our middle name.

Don't do this, Vlad. I'll protect you with my ultra sharp vampire hearing.

- Nothing can take me by surprise.
- Boo!

Aaarghh!!!

- We heard screaming.
- Have you scoundrels got a victim in here?

- Just doing a bit of flying practice, Dad.
- Oh. Pity.
- Get out here, boy.

Show me your fangs.

Mmm...

a bit underdeveloped - not to worry.

- We'll start small, just a few cute bunnies.
- You mean, k*ll them?

No, take them synchronised swimming.

Of course k*ll them! You want to be a vampire, don't you?

I...

I don't know.

Well, you'd better make your mind, and fast!

Like there's a choice!

Are you saying there's a choice?

Oh, look at that... it's six in the morning!

Coffin time!

I feel sick.

Five across...

SNORING

Dad, about Boris's...

Sshh! I know, that boy is softer than a , -year-old zombie.

His transformation. Is there a choice?

- A way to get out of becoming a vampire?
- Get out?

Get out of becoming a vampire?

Well, is there?

- Well, I'm not going to lie to you, Vladdy.
- Good.

- Cos I can tell when you're lying. Your eyes glow yellow.
- Do they?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I never knew that.

That's the trouble with having no reflection.

Anyway, you were saying?

I was saying...being a vampire is your destiny

and nothing you can do will ever change that.

- Is that clear?
- Totally.

Just one question.

- Mmm?
- Why are your eyes shut?

Sick again, Master Boris?!

Nice bit of rat in cockroach sauce will soon have you feeling better.

Ah!

Master Boris?

Boris!

Blood... I need blood...

But seriously, Renfield's?

That's the last time you get breakfast in bed!

That is so...

eeww.

Don't give up. I think there's a way out of becoming vampires.

You're serious? How?

I don't know yet, but we're going to find a way.

Right, what have you done with my stuff?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- My sunglasses and nail polish.

Relax, they're over there.

- Prepare to enter a world of pain.
- Umm, I'll take a rain-check.

Because it's time for you to go to school like a good little breather.

Don't ever call me that!

Why? What are you going to do?

You think you can challenge the Princess of Darkness?

No, but I can whip your butt from here to Halloween.

Huh! You're on, maggot muncher.

OK, whoever commits the most evil deed by tonight is the winner.

And the loser...

has to sing and dance with Renfield...

wearing a frilly pink dress.

When do we start?

Now.

- What about school?
- School...is for breathers.

So how can I help?

- You really want to?
- Of course!

If it'll stop your freakish cousin dribbling down my neck.

- So what's the plan?
- Well, Boris is doing some research up at the castle

and I'm gonna look on the internet.

Shall I come to yours after school?

You know you can't. It's too dangerous right now.

Great, so until you and Boris find "a cure",

- I'm stuck at home like a loser?
- Robin, this isn't about you!

Fine. I'll just spend time with my other friends.

Right.

- I have got other friends, you know.
- Course you have. Course you have.

Robin?

Robin! Great.

Ah, Agent Mole.

Ready to debrief?

So Vlad doesn't want to be a vampire and he's trying to find a cure?

You're getting that "masterplan" look in your eyes again.

- Correct, Jonno!
- My greatest plan yet, and it can't possibly fail.

It's kind of our theme tune.

And this is the final chorus!

With Vlad's help,

we can rid Stokely of its nasty vampire problem, forever.

- This time there'll be no mistakes. I promise.
- You promise?

I mean, no garlic gunge? No ponds?

No totally rubbish female disguises?

No, no, and I'm deeply hurt.

Jonno, the time has come to show you my Secret Slayer's HQ!

You've got a Secret Slayer's HQ?!

Why didn't you mention this before?

Can I trust you, Jonno?

Course. Have I ever let you down?

Jonno...put these on.

- Do we really have to go through all this?
- 'Fraid so, Jonno!

The less you know, the less you can give away

- when you're captured and tortured by vampires.
- Thanks, Dad.

Please speak name...

clearly.

Eric Van Helsing.

Voice recognised. Access granted.

- Wow.
- I know. I've waited a long time for this moment.

Oh! Garlic g*ns!

Forget the g*ns. Behold our noble heritage!

Who are these guys?

My grandfather, Abraham Van Helsing III.

And my father.

Caught in the very act of slaying!

- Look at that action.
- Dad, the plan?

Patience. Now, this...

is my great-great-great...

or something... Aunt Porphyria.

- Nice-looking woman.
- Yes, she was.

She was also a slayer, a scientist and inventor!

I want to show you the greatest secret of the Van Helsings.

Is it some sort of super-w*apon?

An amphibious Slaymobile?

Cool.

- Books.
- Not just any books.

Porphyria's finest work,

A Painless Cure for Vampires. Only twenty copies were ever printed.

Her secrets, her discoveries...

They're all in here!

She was locked up!

She was a misunderstood genius.

- Jonno, are you ready for your first solo mission?
- What do I have to do?

I want you to take Robin Branagh...

- out of play.
- You mean, k*ll him?

Nothing so pleasant. I want you to make friends with him.

- Why?
- To keep him away from Vlad.

Divide and conquer!

All right...and while I'm doing this, what are you going to do?

We must have been through half the books in this place.

Haven't you found anything yet, Zoltan?

There's a chapter here on vampire cures,

but I don't think you're going to like it.

I'll try anything.

"The surest and most effective cure for vampirism is..."

Yes? Yes?!

"A stake through the heart."

Maybe not.

Any other ideas?

You could k*ll the person who made you a vampire.

- I was born a vampire!
- So that would be your father...

or the oldest member of the clan.

Granny Dracula?

No more hand-knitted capes for my birthday.

- It's a win-win!
- Master Boris, that's grannycide!

THUD!

Mmm. "A Painless Cure for Vampires."

Painless!

This is it!

Porphyria Van Helsing, whoever you are, I love you!

"After many years as a slayer,

"I have discovered that vampires can be cured by..."

by...

By what?

Come on, come on...

Master Boris! Control yourself!

What are we gonna do now?

- I suggest you talk to Van Helsing.
- But she must have d*ed years ago.

I was referring to Mr Van Helsing, the teacher from Vlad's school.

You think they might be related?

If blood-sucking doesn't work out,

have you considered a career in rocket science?

OK... I need to talk to Vlad.

Is it me, or does this place smell of garlic?

Plan B.

Look, I'm sorry about before.

I know you've got plenty of friends.

Yeah? Name three.

Well, there's me...there's Chloe...

there's me...

I'm sorry I got so wound up.

It's just, well...

the thing is,

you are my only friend.

You're like the only one I can really talk to.

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry, I'm so excited.

Do you know what I mean? Vlad? Vlad?

What is is his problem?

You know what his problem is? He's a ruthless, blood-sucking monster.

- Don't talk like that about my best mate.
- Best mate.

Right.

- "A Painless Cure for Vampires"!
- That's amazing! Where's the book?

I got a little over-excited.

- I kind of flamed it.
- Oh, Boris!

But get this, it's written by a lady called Porphyria Van Helsing!

- And Zoltan thinks that...
- Van Helsing knows something?

OK, I know what to do.

Boris, get back to the castle before you get the munchies again!

You don't know anything about me or Vlad.

I know this much.

Vampires don't have friends.

They only have victims.

Vlad's different.

Course he is.

So, ready to see my evil deed, loser?

Whatever.

- What? What?
- Surprise!
- Aaarrrgghh!!!
- You've cleaned him up!

Round one to me, I think.

Oi! Tools are not for fools!

Robin! I need your help.

Robin?

Oh, that's right, I exist!

- Whenever you need a favour.
- Are you OK?

- All right, Robin?
- All right, Jonno mate?

I was wondering, do you wanna come round mine for tea later?

What, to your caravan?

Sure, I've got nothing better to do.

- Have I?
- Robin...
- Hang on, are you inviting me round to yours?

- You know I can't.
- Fine.

I'd love to, mate.

Oh, bum.

I've hypnotised them.

- They think they're eating spaghetti.
- Mmm.

That is quite evil, but if you do this...

- Hi, Ingrid.
- Hey, boys!
- What are we doing here?

Why don't you take a look?

I'm gonna be sick.

Mmm...squirmy.

You did this!

You are evil!

Aaarghhh!

Temper, temper!

Think. Get in his mind.

I'm Van Helsing, I'm bald and I stink of garlic. Not bad.

Let's hide all of Porphyria's secrets in here, Jonno...

Ha ha ha.

Yeessss!

Yesss!

Boris!

Boris?

In here, Vlad!

What are you doing?

Hiding from your dad. He's trying to make me bite rats for practice.

- You found... you found another copy?
- Listen.

"Every Vampire Family possesses a Blood Mirror.

"This Mirror holds the power of the vampire clan.

"For if the Mirror should break, every Vampire of the Blood

"will return to his natural, mortal state."

His natural, mortal state... Vlad, we've done it!

- As soon as we smash that mirror. Come on!
- Vlad! A little help.

- Oh, sorry!
- Thank you.

Ah Zoltan, finally.

Where does Dad keep the Blood Mirror?

I can't tell you that.

Your father would knock the stuffing out of me. I'd be a wolf-skin rug.

There's a squeaky bat in it for you.

There's a secret entrance through a coffin in the castle crypt.

Aaaarrgghhh!!!

You children spread everywhere,

like mouldy verrucas. What are you doing?

- We've found a secret passage, Renfield...
- Vlad!

Do you want to have a look?

Aaaarrggghhh!!!

Let me out!!!

Last one.

This is it!

Shouldn't you be practising your dance routine?

Shut up and listen, coffin breath.

I don't like you, and...

well, I just don't like you.

- But we have to work together against the boys.
- Sorry.

Vampires don't do collaboration.

If you don't help me, you'll never be a vampire.

As if.

Our zombie-brain brothers are trying to smash the Blood Mirror.

- The what?
- Trust me.

If they succeed, we'll all become mortal.

So what's it to be?

Start helping...

or start breathing?

- What's wrong?
- What if something's down here...

something waiting for us...

Come on, Boris. Let's just keep moving.

Vlad! Help!

Come on Boris, you can do this!

Vlad, what's happening?

It's a vampire castle now, it's protecting the Mirror.

So it's trying to k*ll us?

That's not fair! Let's go back.

Come on Boris, we have to do this.

But, slowly.

Let me out!

- Renfield!
- Where did the boys go?

- Secret...passage.
- Thanks.

If they've smashed that mirror, they're so dead! I mean undead.

I mean, you know what I mean.

Yesssss!

I'm winning! I'm winning!

Sorry. It's just I can never b*at Vlad, he's really good.

This two-player game is cool. Usually it's just me and my dad

and he's not into things that are fun.

At least he doesn't spend all his spare time blogging

on http://www.blockeduptoilets.com.

- My dad's a plumber.
- I knew that.

Well, keep it to yourself.

- Do you ever get jealous of orphans?
- Jonno!

A word!

What's the problem, Dad? I'm just gaining his trust like you told me!

Well, don't get too close! All we have to do

is keep Robin out of the way long enough for our plan to work!

What plan?

- What have you done to Vlad?
- Nothing. We're just trying to help him!

You're slayers. Why would you help a vampire?

Vlad needed a cure, and we knew the secret.

What secret?

OK. Inside Castle Dracula is a Blood Mirror.

If it's destroyed, every vampire returns to its mortal state.

We knew Vlad wouldn't trust us...

So we planted a book, telling him what to do.

He'll smash the mirror... no more vamps in Stokely. Everybody's happy.

That's all right, then. Nice one, Mr Van Helsing.

You're not even going to ask if there's a catch?

- But you just said "everyone's happy".
- Think about it...

When the mirror's destroyed, every vampire returns to its mortal state.

Count Dracula's over years old.

Oh, for the love of garlic, Branagh. When the mirror gets smashed,

the Count'll just be a pile of bones and ashes!

You two are sick.

I trusted you! You're a bigger psycho than your dad.

- Robin!
- Let him go. Vlad found the book hours ago.

It's probably all over.

Dad, I'm not sure we've done the right thing.

Nor am I, Jonno... Let's go and check he's definitely dead!

Careful. We don't know what the castle's going to try next.

We've got to be ready for anything.

Vlad, look out!

Enough!

I am the Son and Heir of Count Dracula.

Show me where the Blood Mirror is!

Neat.

Let's go.

Where is everyone?

Try the crypt, Robin. It's very popular today.

Vlad!

That, brother,

- is checkm...
- Ssh.

Can you hear that?

What?

- The squeaking?
- No, no not that.

That.

- That.
- Let me out! Let me out!

It's just the offspring playing in the crypt.

Anyway, as I was saying... checkm...

It's no good! I can't concentrate with all this noise!

Let me out!

Stop all this garlic-awful noise immediately!

Master Vlad's going to smash the Blood Mirror!

Unfortunately, my Vladdy would never do a thing like that.

Uh, brother?

How naughty. I'm impressed! Still, I suppose we'd better stop him.

What are you doing?

I thought you'd shut me back in, like everyone else.

Oh, all right, if you insist.

Well, what are you waiting for?

I don't know.

Something doesn't feel right.

You are so weak, Vlad.

Everything you've ever wanted is right there in front of you...

you just don't have the guts to take it.

Vlad! Don't do it! You'll k*ll your dad!

- What? No, he'll just return to his mortal state.
- Exactly!

And he's years old.

He'll crumble to dust?

I almost k*lled my own father.

Oh...

- now we're both gonna end up evil.
- Don't you understand?

If we k*ll our dads, we're more evil than any vampire.

Good point.

Vlad!

Boris! Olga! The other one! What's going on?

Hello, Daddy. And goodbye.

No, no!

You've... you've turned me into a breather!

- And I've k*lled your dad.
- Yeah, whatever.

Slain... by my own daughter!

- You're so grounded.
- Guess this means I win the bet, right?

You did this for a bet?

- That is evil.
- Thanks.

I can't help noticing, er, I haven't disintegrated.

- Speak for yourself - I'm falling apart.
- No, you're not, Dad.

Because you'd never miss the chance to become a vampire.

Where's the real Blood Mirror?

Well, done breather boy.

Ah, yes, I thought it was bigger.

You... you...

Princess of Darkness is the phrase you're looking for.

Speaking of which,

shouldn't you be getting changed around about now?

I can't believe the Count and his brother are still alive!

MUSIC STARTS

They might not survive this.

- # If you're ever down a well,
- ring my bell

- # If you're ever up a tree,
- just phone to me

♪ And if you're ever lose your teeth and you're out to dine

♪ Borrow mine

♪ It's friendship, friendship just the perfect blendship

♪ When other friendships have been forgot, ours will still be hot.

♪ Friendship, friendship, just the perfect blendship

♪ When other friendships have been forgot, ours will still be hot. ♪