02x04 - Bad Reflection

[bunniefuu]

This'd better be good, Zoltan.

A note from Master Boris.

He specifically requested you wait until...

"Dear Vlad, by the time you read this I'll be gone...blah, blah.

" th birthday...blah, blah... Transformation...

"I'm running away. Sorry. Boris."

But...aren't you going to try and stop him, Master Vlad?

No need. He won't get far.

Let me out! Let me out!

Why me?

Oh, happy birthday. How far d'you get?

- Front gate.
- Not bad!

- Better than yesterday anyway.
- It's all over, Vlad.

In a few hours I'll be an evil, bloodsucking monster

and there's nothing I can do about it.

Unless you've come up with some ingenious plan to save me?

Well, there is this one...

Blancmange is easy, we can make that ourselves.

Robin will release the pigeons on cue here, creating a diversion,

while I roller-skate past and switch the mirror.

OK, it sucks.

We'll think of something else. There's time.

CRASHING I wouldn't be so sure.

Knee pads. Camouflage jacket.

Night vision goggles...

For a woodwork conference?

..chisels, spirit level, sandpaper. Right, I think that's everything.

- What's this?
- Hmm?

No! Don't!

'Want to get your hands on the latest X- rapid-f*ring crossbow?

'Disguises keep letting you down?

'You need to go to the annual Vampire Slayers' Jamboree

'for a day packed full of fun, education and most of all...

'Slaa-aa-aaying!'

'Only for slayers aged and over!

'Payment will not be refunded if you are bitten and become of the undead!'

- I'll pack my bag.
- No. You heard what it said.

- and over.
- I am.
- Years, not inches.
- This isn't fair.

- Why do I have to miss out on all the good stuff?
- Because one of us

needs to stay here and protect the innocent people of Stokely.

- It's a big responsibility, son. Are you ready?
- I will be,

- if you show me where the secret headquarters is.
- Jonno.

Remember the first rule of slaying.

Patience.

But... If...

It's the most important discipline for a slayer to master. Stop.

Wait.

And...

..wait some more.

Practice it while I'm gone.

Stop... Wait...

and follow Dad.

BELL TOLLS

Remove the blindfold!

Happy Birthday, my son!

Hey! This is great.

But you really shouldn't have gone to so much trou...

Oh.

You didn't.

That, Boris, is the doorway...

- to your destiny!
- I don't suppose you kept the receipt?

BOLTS GRIND

You can do this, Boris.

Just remember to stay focused.

- You are not evil. Say it.
- I am not evil.
- Again.
- I am not evil.

- Once more!
- I AM NOT EVIL!

OK.

We'll leave that for now.

Way to go, Vlad. Can you coach me?

- Any last requests?
- Yeah.

Can we do this a different time?

You're not going anywhere, Doris.

Come, come.

No, Dad! Please, no!

Aaargghhh!

Robin, do you think Boris would prefer chocolate or Victoria sponge?

- I don't think cake's his thing.
- A boy his age not want a birthday cake?

- He's got blood pumping through his veins, hasn't he?!
- Actually... Ow!

Dad, can you help me with my homework?

Mmm. Of course, sweetheart.

Now then, what's it to be? Spelling? Or colouring in?

I have to perform a psychological evaluation of a subject

using psychodynamic and cognitive methods.

She has to study someone's brain and find out what makes them tick.

OK, OK!

I'll put the stupid shelf up.

Just don't nag me, that's all!

- Listen!
- What?

Total silence. Not a sound since that scream five minutes ago.

Numb to sensation.

Four letters.

Dead.

- WAILING
- That's it.

I'm getting him out of there.

Enough!

Look, I have every confidence that Boris will emerge safe and sound.

- Will six feet be deep enough, Master?
- Not now, Renfield!

What, what?

BELL TOLLS Daddy, how much longer is this going to take?

- Depends on how much of a fight he puts up.
- Fight?

- No-one mentioned a fight.
- If he's strong, it could take all day.

If he's a pathetic spineless wimp, then...

Well, that answers that.

Boris! Boris?!

Well, I guess he didn't make it.

- Such a tragic loss.
- You mean he's...

- he's dead?!
- Congratulations!

Or...maybe not.

What have I missed?

Nothing much.

Oh, I broke a nail...

- and Boris is dead.
- Does that mean I get double allowance, Daddy?

Well, seeing as you're my only child, yes.

What is wrong with this family?

Boris is gone. Doesn't anyone care?

- No.
- Sorry, Vlad.

Look, if it's any consolation, I never really liked the boy.

- He lacked the k*ller instinct.
- It's my fault. I was far too soft on him.

If only I'd been...

- Boris?
- Son!

Well, lock up your daughters! Look at you!

'Memoirs Of A Vampire Slayer by...'

- Please speak name clearly.
- 'Eric Van Helsing.'

Voice recognised. Access granted.

Let the games begin!

Woah!

Ah...!

CHICKENS SQUAWK

- Bravo! Bravo!
- The boy is a prodigy!

It takes five years to perfect mid-flight combat.

- He's mastered it in five minutes!
- They were chickens!

- They were hardly going to fight back.
- So fetch me a couple of lions.

My son has the thirst.

Excellent. Renfield, saddle the horses and polish my horn!

Tonight...we shall hunt!

- Hunt?
- Horses?

Daddy, I want a horse. Get me a horse!

So, does this mean you're evil?

Vlad, Vlad, Vlad.

Come on, it's me.

Boris.

I wouldn't hurt a fly.

- Really?
- I remembered what you said.

I stayed focused.

I'm not evil.

I'm not evil.

It works, Vlad! I'm the same Boris I was before.

Only now, I'm stronger, braver and more powerful...

and you will be too! Just look at what you can become!

To the Bat Pack!

Sorry, men only.

Go sit on a stake. Wake up, loser. It's an act.

You can't possibly believe him!

Oh, garlic!

The name's Van Helsing.

Jonathan Van Helsing.

Licensed to slay.

Take this, vampire scum! Ow!

Splinter.

I'm not evil.

I'm not evil.

Wanna bet?

Mirror, mirror on the floor.

You've given me power.

But I want MORE!

Boris...

Ah, there you are.

- Cake's upstairs.
- Graaaagggghhhh!

It's not a good time. I'll come back later.

You know, you really shouldn't wander about the castle on your own.

It's not safe...for a breather.

Bo-ris!

Just kidding.

Happy Birthday!

Well, come on then, blow out the candles and make a wish!

How on earth did that happen?

Strong lungs. Comes from...playing the tuba.

- Robin!
- If you wanted a slice, Robin, you should've just asked.

But I didn't... But he...

Come with me. Let's get you a towel. And a doggy bag.

It's not safe to leave Mum with Boris.

It is. You heard what he said, he wouldn't hurt a fly.

FLY BUZZES

Cool!

DOOR SLAMS

Stop. Wait. And wait some more.

- Vlad, about Boris.
- Isn't it great!?

I've always worried about becoming evil.

- And now I don't have to!
- But, Vlad, he...

If a wimp like Boris can handle the transformation, then I'll walk it.

At last there's hope! Sorry, you were saying?

- Nothing. That's great, Vlad.
- I'll get you a clean T-shirt.

Er, no offence. I don't think your style will suit me.

That's where you're wrong! Wait here.

- You were going to tell Vlad, weren't you?
- Tell him what?

I don't know anything. I'm stupid!

I won't let a breather ruin everything.

- Patience.
- Patience.

We should be making a move soon.

Hiya, Doris.

Don't move an inch.

Spider.

Nasty little critters. Are you ready to go, Robin?

Robin's gonna stay here for a while. Help me out with a few things.

Yes, Master.

Well, have fun then.

I'm Olga. Can I go with you? I'm sick of this dump.

Good idea. I've got a daughter your age, she'd love to meet you.

- Thanks for the chicken, Boris.
- No problem.

Drop round soon.

Hello, sweetheart. This is Olga, Vlad's cousin.

Oh, you're one of THEM, are you?

Well, she's American if that's what you mean.

Where are your manners?

Get out.

Oh, look!

How beautiful! How...

- delicate.
- Don't you dare!

The Rorschach ink blot test.

How did you know that?

Mum's into all that psycho claptrap.

It's enough to drive you nuts if you're not already.

What does this look like?

- Splattered blood.
- Could you be a bit more specific?

YOUR splattered blood.

My boyish good looks and porcelain complexion. Ruined!

I can't believe my own son could be so wicked and deceitful.

Yes, when you've finished gloating,

use your super-sensitive vampire hearing to find the little snake.

What?

I said use your... Oh, never mind.

We'll have to track him down ourselves.

Now fly, fly like the wind!

You can run...

HE COUGHS

..but you can't hide.

- I wouldn't let Dad catch you sitting there.
- Oh, really? And why's that?

She's right, Master Boris.

Only the Count is permitted to sit on the throne.

Thanks for the warning, but I don't take advice from stuffed dogs.

He's a wolf.

I wasn't talking to him.

- Ouch!
- You think you're so great!

Well, let's see. I'm charming.

Devilishly handsome.

Cunning as a fox...

Yup. I've pretty much got it all.

Oh, why be modest? I HAVE got it all!

You might have Vlad fooled, but I'm not so stupid.

- You're up to something.
- Hey. It's the Bat Pack back together!

Can't believe you're falling for this.

Just accept it, Ingrid.

Vampires don't have to be evil.

No...

..but it IS fun.

I'll say a word and I want you to say the first thing

- that comes into your head.
- Boring.
- No, wait until I've said it.

- Tedious.
- I haven't started.
- Annoying.
- Wait.
- Irritating.

- Stop it!
- No.

CRACKLING

There's something rotten in the state of Vampiredom.

That may be me, Mistress Ingrid. I'm due a bath.

- Life.
- Death.
- Death.

- Boris.
- Happy.

- This is stupid.
- OK, OK. I'll give you my diagnosis.

Based on your answers, I'd say you're a very unhappy child.

You feel that your parents don't love you and to compensate for this,

you're mean, nasty and cruel.

It's all true! I'm a mean, nasty, horrible person.

I'm so ashamed of myself.

Really? Some of it was guesswork.

No. You're right. I'm going to change.

Right now, I'll go back up to the castle and I'll start being nice.

- Thank you, Chloe.
- Glad I could help.

Hem-hem. Sucker.

I'm starving. What are we having?

I don't know about the others, but you'll be eating your words.

You just won't give up.

Give me one single shred of evidence that Boris is evil and I'll...

wear your lipstick to school for a week.

OK, how do you explain that?

He's just being helpful.

It's not like Boris has him running round like another Renfield.

- Ooooh. What's that?
- Lavender.

OK. So, he's been having fun with his new powers.

Harmless. You'll have to do better than that.

He's been stealing power from the Blood Mirror. He's addicted.

If he's not hurting anyone then what difference does it make?

COUGHING

- Where is he?
- Dad?!

Where's that thief? It's time he was taught a lesson.

- Ten to seven.
- Oh, Master! What's happened?

Get off me, you vile creature.

But Sire. It's me. Renfield.

Age has ravaged his poor memory.

I know who you are, you stinking bag of filth. Now pick up my stick!

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation

for all of this.

There he is!

And sitting on my throne!

You'll pay for this, young whippersnapper.

Boris didn't know he was draining your power.

Now that he does, he'll give it back.

Won't you, Boris?

- Boris?
- You're embarrassing yourself.

Tell them it's possible to be a good vampire. That you're not evil.

Tell them you're not evil!

I own this family! No-one can stop me!

I'm the king of the world!

Mwahahahaha!

Oh, poo!

Think you need to get some practice.

And I want a giant statue built in my name.

And every Thursday will be renamed Borisday

and the peasants will bring me a human sacrifice and bow down before me!

Awesome. It's Queen Doris.

If you need any gloss just let me know.

What's wrong with you?

- You're k*lling them!
- Sad, isn't it?

Maybe I should put them out of their misery now?

One more fix from the Blood Mirror...

they'll be gone.

I'll reign supreme! Count Boris the eternal Overlord!

HE CACKLES

Eternity's a long time, Boris. All alone. No-one to talk to.

No-one to tell you how great you are...

Vlad, you could join me...

Picture it! The Bat Pack ruling together!

People obeying our every command. The power! The glory!

The girls!

- Let's do it!
- You wouldn't dare.

Stay out of this, Ingrid.

On one condition.

We have to be on equal terms.

You have to give me some of your power now.

Even things out a little.

Agreed.

You won't regret this, cous'.

Noooo! What are you doing?

Big mistake, Boris.

You will pay for this.

You'll have to catch me first.

Impressive.

But not fast enough.

Going somewhere?

Well, done, Vlad! Once again you've saved the day!

Er, no he didn't. It was me!

Don't split hairs, Ingrid.

Well, it's been a hideous nightmare as always, brother.

You must come and stay again soon.

Maybe in another couple of hundred years?

Better make it three.

Bye, garlic breath.

Get off me, you little creep!

Oh...and if I were you,

I'd take care unpacking your suitcase.

You never know what you might find.

Ha! I knew I'd have the last laugh!

Pssst... Vlad.

Come here.

Just want to let you know.

When it's your turn, you'll become just as evil as I am. Just you wait!

You can't escape your destiny.

I'll be back! No-one can stop me! No-one!

HE LAUGHS

- He's lost it big time.
- BORIS CONTINUES LAUGHING

I'm not really going to become that evil...

am I?

All in good time, Vladdy.

All in good time.