09x04 - Halloween VIII Orson m*rder Mystery

[bunniefuu]

[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS]

FRANKIE: Out here in the middle,
we usually feel pretty safe.

But there's one day of the year

you never know what's lurking
outside your door.

Dad, the door's still sticking!
You gotta fix it!

It is fixed. What are you doing here?

- [MICROFICHE WHIRRING]
- Mom knew I was coming.

You're gonna be here for Halloween?

Wouldn't you rather be up at school?

Mom knows I hate being
at school for Halloween.

Don't you guys ever talk?

Mom knows I hate talking.

Well, don't worry.
My Halloween is gonna be great.

I am going to a party
with Axl and Lexie.

I'm gonna be hanging with
my brother and best friend.

How cool is that!

You know, I kinda thought
it might be weird and all

when they started dating,
but it's been great!

We all go out for Thai food,
impromptu board game nights.

Plus, whenever Lexie's around,
Axl never farts on my head.

Well, looks like I'll be staying
in on the night of mischief.

Oh, there is a party.

But I can't go 'cause Cindy
will be there.

Also, I was not invited.

Seriously, Brick, why did you
ever break up with her?

I was in a rut. I wanted to be free

to sow my wild oats...
to really cut loose!

[MICROFICHE WHIRRING]

Mike, you gotta see this!

Do I?

I was finally filing the last of
the soggy papers from the flood,

and I found the old deed to our house.

So I'm flipping through
the disclosure statements.

Listen. "Cracked foundation,"
which we knew,

"dangerous wiring," which we knew.

And then this.

"Disclosure number three...
Death occurred on the premises."

Oh, my God! Can you believe this?!

How did we not know about this?
Someone d*ed in our house.

I knew.

What do you mean, you knew?

The Realtor told me.

I didn't tell you
'cause I knew you'd freak out.

Yeah, I'd freak out!
Someone d*ed in our house!

I can't believe you hid this from me.

Did you ever think that maybe

that's why all these creepy things

keep happening around here?

Candles blowing out,
cabinets that don't close,

my bruise that never goes away!

I thought that was gone.

Oh, it's back. Feast your eyes.

You don't have to show me.

See, this is exactly
why I didn't tell ya.

I knew you'd make a big deal out of it.

Besides, that death was two owners ago.

How do we even know it really happened?

Oh, it happened.

"A woman was found dead Sunday afternoon

in her home at Birchwood Avenue."

It's here in the Orson Herald...
March , .

Let me see. Let me see.

[SIGHS] Read it to me.
I don't have my glasses.

"The body of
Claudia Rose Tucker, age ..."

Ooh, she was so young.

And how sad is it that
I said was so young?

Go on.

"...was found March th by her husband,

who called for an ambulance

when she was found unresponsive
in her bathtub."

Ew! Not my bathtub!

[SIGHS] Why couldn't it
be the laundry room?

I already hate it in there.

"She is survived by her husband, Henry,

and sister, Sylvia Hammond.

The county coroner will conduct
a full autopsy and..."

Oh, my God!

What? What?!

They put an apostrophe "S"
in "paramedics."

That's not possessive, that's plural!

Who was proofing the Herald back then?

You know what, Mike?

I don't know what upsets me more...

a dead body in my bathtub
or you not telling me about it.

Or the apostrophe!

Look, I'm sorry for not telling you.

But we had $ to our name
and Axl was on the way,

so it was either this house

or the one with the woman
who raised all the rats

and called them her babies.

Just promise you're not gonna
get all crazy with this.

I won't, but I won't be stepping
foot again in that bathroom.

Brick, you're gonna have to share

the death bathroom with your dad.

Plan accordingly, Mike. He's a reader.

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

Oh, good, you're home.

Listen, we found some more
articles on Claudia Tucker,

and I'm telling you,
it's all a little suspicious.

Something doesn't add up.

I just came through the door.

No, no, listen. They assigned
a detective to her case.

You don't assign a detective

when someone just drowns in her bathtub.

I don't know. It sounds to me like...

m*rder.

I thought you said you weren't
gonna obsess about this.

I'm not obsessing.
Brick and I have just been

- workin' the 'fiche all day.
- Workin' the 'fiche?

We're scanning news stories
relevant to our case.

What case?

When you open an investigation,

you call it a case and give it a number.

We're calling it "One."

Brick, write this name down...
"Detective Philip Strickland."

Ooh! They questioned the husband again.

Okay, I'm tellin' ya, Mike.

I think it's m*rder, and I think
maybe the husband did it.

It's always the husband.

Gee, I wonder why.

Listen, I know it sounds crazy,

but read the article for yourself.

And who knows?
Maybe if we solve this mystery,

Claudia's soul will
finally rest in peace,

the curse will be lifted from our house,

and my bruise will go away.

Now, Henry said she drowned
in the tub after church,

while he was golfing.

And I'm no fan of sport,

but isn't March
a little early for golfing?

MIKE: Uh, if you guys had kept reading,

there's an article from a week later

that says the death was ruled

"accidental drowning
due to cardiac arrest."

No foul play. Case closed.

[SIGHS] sh**t.

I was gonna impress Cindy
by solving a m*rder.

Guess I'll have to continue my old plan

of calling and hanging up
when she answers.

[DOOR OPENS]

Whoa! Brick is on the couch,
Dad's on the microfiche?

If you guys were gonna switch bodies,

you should've waited till I came home

so at least one of you had
a sh*t at trading up. [LAUGHS]

LEXIE: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Heck!
My mom and dad say hi.

They want you to come
to the Colorado house.

Do you have dates? Did you get dates?!

Wow, my eyes aren't itching.

I think I've been here enough times

to finally build up
a tolerance to your house.

Oh.

Hey! What happened?

I thought you guys
were gonna be here at : .

It's : .

Yeah, I know. Just text me
if you're gonna be late.

So [SIGHS] what're we talking about?

Nothing. We just got here.

Well, we were kinda talking

about our costumes for the party.

Oh, right!
So, what are you guys thinking?

I don't know, something cute and fun

like salt and pepper?

[GASPS] I like it!
And I can be cinnamon.

Or... peanut better and jelly.

[GASPS] And bananas.

Or maybe like a couple's thing,

you know, like a Romeo and Juliet.

And the poison!

You know what, we can
figure this out later.

- I'm hungry.
- Yes.

Aww, I already ate.

BOTH: Aww.

So I'll just come and hang out.

[LAUGHING] Oh!

♪

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- KIDS: Trick or treat!

So, Halloween finally arrived,

and the ghost of Claudia Tucker
was still cursing our house.

- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- Hang on.

- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- [DOORKNOB RATTLES]

Hang on.

KIDS: Thank you!

You're welcome.

- GIRL: I'm a princess!
- I'll take your word for it.

We should've thought of that years ago.

[SIGHS]

Hi, I'm Donny!

And I'm Marie!

- [LAUGHS]
- Welcome to the show!

Tonight's guests are Ruth Buzzi...

whoever that is...

Paul Lynde... whoever that is...

and Lassie!

[LAUGHS] I'm surprised you
even know who Donny & Marie are.

Well, we were looking up
famous couples for a costume,

and we found them on YouTube.

And I thought that Axl would
make a pretty cute Donny.

And you're an even cuter Marie.

Mm!

Y-You do know they're brother
and sister, right?

What?

No, they're not.
They got the same last name.

Yeah, 'cause they're brother and sister.

But... we chose them because
Sonny and Cher got divorced,

and they stayed together.

Because they're brother and sister.

Whatever, I don't care!

♪

We're out of here.

Wait, wait. Wait for me!

[GASPS] [LAUGHS]

You can't have Donny & Marie without me!

Who are you?

I'm the third wheel. [LAUGHS] Get it?

W-Wait, you know you're the third wheel?

Uh, yeah. It's hilarious!

They're the couple, and I am the person

who's always hanging around with them.

[LAUGHS] Okay, so guys ready
to go to the party?

Um, actually, we're not
sure if we're gonna go.

Lexie and I might just chill here.

Oh, okay. Then I won't go either.

But we might go.

Oh! So then, let's go!

Sue, it's okay.
You don't have to do what we do.

Uh, yes I do. I am the third wheel.

Otherwise I'm just a wheel.
That makes no sense. [LAUGHS]

Okay, so what do you guys wanna do?

Guess we might as well go to that party.

Whoo-hoo! Okay, who wants to drive?

Somebody else should probably
take the wheel.

You guys ready to roll?

[LAUGHS] I've got a million of these.

That's not true. I've got .

Yeah.

[HUMMING]

♪

Okay.

Mom, I know you're gonna
think I'm crazy,

but something's really bothering me

about the Claudia Tucker Case.

No, I don't think you're crazy.

Something's been bothering me, too.

You go first.

Okay. So, I was thinking,

maybe there's a pattern
to her water usage.

Did Claudia usually take
a bath on Sunday,

or was she bathed against
her will, A.K.A. m*rder*d?

So I put in a call
to Orson Water and Power

to check their records for .

Still waiting to hear back.
What do you got?

Well, I noticed this weird discrepancy.

Claudia's death date in the news article

is different than the one
in her obituary.

Oooh. Wait, what?
I was thinking of my thing.

Say it again.

In the original article,
it says she d*ed on March th.

But in her obituary,
the date is March th.

Why is it two days later?

Could've just been a misprint.

Or... follow me here...
maybe her husband

lied to the press to cover his tracks.

Interesting. And how about this?

Maybe the newspaper was in on it.

Of course! We already know the Herald

can't be trusted to do
thorough copy-editing.

But how do we know which date is right?

What do you think her gravestone says?

There's only one way to find out.

♪

Really? We're going to
a cemetery on Halloween night?

We have to!
This case is really f*ring up.

And this house needs to be at peace.

You know, I feel
like Claudia is leading us

with all these clues.

And I'm telling you, Brick,

your dad can scoff all he wants,
but a woman was m*rder*d.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

BOTH: Aaahh!

I'm sorry, Frankie.

I'm out trick-or-treating with the kids.

Could I use your bathroom?

[BOTH SIGH]

No problem, Sara.
Use the one in the hall.

♪

BRICK: Haven't we already
been down this row?

It'd be a lot easier if people
d*ed alphabetically.

It's called legwork, Brick.
You gotta put in the time.

Oh, look, a dog.

Wait, I thought you said

pets couldn't be buried in the cemetery!

None of my hamsters got a proper burial.

They're all in the backyard...
Bitey , Bitey , Bitey ...

Okay, let's speed this up.
I'm getting tired.

Usually "Castle's" wrapping up by now.

♪

I found it!

What?

It says here she d*ed
March th, not the th.

Aha!

So that means...
wait, what does that mean again?

Maybe the husband fudged
the date for insurance purposes.

Maybe he needed a couple extra
days to draft a fake will.

Or maybe he...

Brick?

Uh, Mom? Come here.

What? What?

"Henry August Tucker, to ."

That's Claudia's husband.

That's weird. Why isn't he
buried next to his wife?

But... he is.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

BOTH: Ooh!

Henry Tucker got remarried!

Do you think...

That Henry m*rder*d Claudia so
he could marry someone else?

Uh, yeah!

Looks like Biteys aren't the
only ones who can be replaced.

"Sylvia Hammond Tucker"...
That sounds familiar.

That's the name of Claudia's sister!

And look, there's no death date.
She's still alive!

Aaahh!

Oh, wait, that's okay.

I'll tell you something, Brick.

I think we've been
following the wrong leads.

Maybe the m*rder-er
is really a m*rder-ess.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

I told that Uber guy we could all fit.

I don't know why you thought
we should take two cars.

Yeah. I just had to go 'cause
my jumpsuit was riding up,

but you totally could've stayed.

Why would I stay?
I was only there for you guys!

So, what should we do now?

Uh, actually, we were thinking...

[GASPS] Ooh, should we watch a movie?

I can make popcorn.

Sure. Yeah, that sounds great.

Okay, great.

[WHISPERING] What are you doing?

[WHISPERING] I didn't know what to do.

I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

But we discussed this.

SUE: I'll be right in there!

♪

I can't reach the popcorn.
[GASPS] I'll make oatmeal.

What?

♪

Axl, what are you doing?
We're in your parents' house.

I just wanted to go somewhere
where Sue won't find us.

I can't take it anymore!
You gotta say something to her!

Me?! You say something!

What? No, I can't. I'm the brother.

If I tell her to stop hanging
out with us, I'm the jerk.

And I'm always the jerk.
You gotta do it.

But she's my friend.

And I like when we all hang out,
just not all the time.

Well, someone's gotta say something.

[SIGHS]

You know, this is the first time
we've been alone in weeks.

Well... I don't care
if you're my brother.

♪

You're so hot. Who cares
if this is the death tub?

Wait, what?

Hmm? Oh.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't
have said that.

So, this is Sylvia's house?

I gotta say, "Sylvia" doesn't
sound like a m*rder*r's name.

That's how she got away
with it all these years.

Remember, don't lead the facts.
Let the facts lead you.

So, what's the plan here?

You can't just knock on someone's door.

You can on Halloween.

BOTH: Trick or treat!

Oh!

Happy Halloween!

Where are your bags and your costumes?

Well, we are in costume.

I'm a haggard mom,
and he's my weird son.

Really, Mom, weird? You had to go there?

[MUMBLING] Don't eat that.

She's a m*rder*r.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um, so, yeah, it's funny, you know?

We were just trick-or-treating...

that's why we're here...

and we were gonna bring his siblings,

but you know how siblings are.

Don't get along, always fighting.

Sometimes don't you just wanna k*ll 'em?

Oh, well, I don't have
any siblings anymore.

Oh! Tell me about her.

Or him, or him/her. They're popular now.

Oh. Well, I did have a sister,

but you don't want to hear
an old woman's stories.

Well, sure, we do!

We know you're marginalized
and forgotten by society,

but we're here to listen!

Please, we would love
to hear about Claudia.

Did I say her name was Claudia?

Yes, you did.

You're old. You just don't remember.

Oh.

Well, Claudia was my older sister.

But she d*ed.

Must be years ago now.

And Henry... that was her husband...

he loved her so much.

And when she passed away so suddenly,

he was just heartbroken.

Was he?

Oh! Well, we both were.

Were you?

Oh, yes. I don't think we ever
really got over losing Claudia.

You see, she was born with a bad heart.

And all of her life, Claudia's only wish

was that she would make it to age of .

Well, you can imagine how upset we were

when her heart gave out

just a couple of days
before her th birthday.

Henry even told the paper

that she d*ed two days after she did

just so that she could get to .

Oh, and after she passed, I was a mess,

but Henry, well, he really took it hard.

[SIGHS] I guess that's
what brought us together.

And then, before we knew it,
nine years had passed.

And Henry and I finally decided
to get married.

Well, we knew that Claudia
would've wanted it that way.

She had a big heart.

It just wasn't a very strong one.

[VOICE BREAKING]
And I miss her every day.

Then why did you m*rder her?!

♪

Hey, Dad. Have you seen Axl and Lexie?

We were supposed to watch
a movie and eat oatmeal,

but I can't find them.

[SIGHS] I don't even know
where your mom and Brick are.

I figure as long as I don't get
a phone call,

everything's all right.

Isn't it so great how I can just hang

with my brother and my bestie?

You know, people probably
thought I'd be upset

when they became a couple,
but it's been great!

It's like I get the fun
of being in a relationship

without actually being in one,

which is awesome because I've got school

and I'm applying for an internship

and I'm gonna be so busy
this year and...

[GASPS, SOBS]

I am so alone!

I have lost my brother
and my best friend.

You think it's easy to be around them?

It's not. It's hard!

You think I don't know that
that they'd rather be alone?

I am not blind! Can you wipe my eyes?

[SOBBING]

You think I don't have wants?
I have wants!

I want to kiss boys I like!

It's just hard 'cause they're
always in the apartment

and always in my world all the time,

and I can't escape it,
so I say it's fine.

[SOBBING] But I'm not fine!

Aah!

♪

[SOBBING]

Oh, no. No, don't look at me.

Don't help me!

Okay, help me. But don't look at me!

[GRUNTS]

Aah!

[THUD]

Ugh!

[GROANING]

Don't say anything, Axl.

I wish you hadn't seen that.

Can you please just forget
it ever happened?

Aah!

Look, Sue.

You're not a loser.

What? I didn't think I was a loser!

Good! Good, good,
'cause I said you're not.

Um...

Sue, the thing is,

because of Lexie,

we have been spending
a lot more time together.

And don't let this
go to your head or anything,

but lately, you've been
making me wanna barf... less.

I have?

Yeah, it's actually been kinda fun,

but a little much.

[SIGHS] I know.

I just can't stop myself.

I am a loser!

[SOBS]

Look, Sue, Sue.

When I was kissing my fake
sister, it occurred to me.

I have a real sister.

So then I thought,
"What would Donny do for Marie?"

He'd probably sing a song
or dance with her

do a lame skit
with the Harlem Globetrotters.

But since I can't do any of that,

I was thinking... I don't know.

You know, I do have some spare time

between my morning and afternoon routes.

Oh, I get it.
I'll get out of the apartment.

I can hang at the laundromat.

It is warm in there, and I like
the smell of dryer sheets.

No, I was thinking you and I,

I don't know, could get lunch together.

Just the two of us?

That would be...

really nice.

And we don't even have to buy food

since most of the kids forget
their lunch on the bus anyway.

So, hope you like baloney.

I love baloney.

♪

So, it turns out Claudia really
did just die of a heart att*ck.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Wait.

Are you telling me her husband
and her sister

weren't secret lovers
conspiring to drown her

and make it look like an accident

while he was golfing,
then take her insurance money,

get hitched, assume new identities,

and move to Tahiti?

Fine, make fun. I don't care.

I had the best Halloween
I've had in years.

You know, when you're a kid,
you get to go trick-or-treating,

and when you're in your s,
you go to parties,

but when you get to be our age,
it's just "meh."

But Brick and I got to walk
around a graveyard,

visit an old lady's creepy house...

I felt alive!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Plus her popcorn balls
were off the chain.

I'm definitely going back there
next year.

[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]

- Mrs. Heck?
- Yeah?

You inquired about the old
water records on your house?

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

I don't need those anymore.

Actually, some new information
has come to light.

We found something a little suspicious.

Oh, really? Mike?!

Turns out when you moved in here,

you were being assessed at a Zone rate

when you should've been assessed
at the higher Zone rate.

You've been underpaying for
water for the last years.

But good news, we fixed it

and it'll be reflected
on your next bill.

We'll work out some kind
of installment plan

for you to pay the rest.

[LAUGHS] You people have been
getting away with m*rder.

♪

[SIGHS] Nice work, Detective.

♪