09x05 - Role of a Lifetime

[bunniefuu]

[CROW CAWS]
♪

Do we even want to know?

Oh, good, you're here.

He's never said that before.

Let me ask you something.

You ever order a glass of wine
and think,

"Hmm, I could really go for

a nice thirst-quenching beer"?

Or drinking a beer and think,

"Hmm, wine would really add
some class to these nachos"?

Well, now you don't have to choose,

'cause I've solved
that age-old question.

Allow me to introduce you

to the latest in taste sensation...

Bwine!

- Bwine?
- That's right.

Beer plus wine equals Bwine.

It was either that or "Weer,"

but that sounds a little
too much like "Weird,"

and that is just not good marketing.

Business major.

Wait, you're actually planning
to sell this stuff?

As a beverage? To people?

Oh, not just this one.

I have created
several varieties of Bwine.

I have a Cabernet mixed with a stout,

a Caber-stout,

a pale ale mixed with a Chardonnay,

a pale-ardonnay,

and a fruity yet malty Merlot-enbrau.

Hm.

Ahh... What's worse than bad?

Oh, I don't know,

maybe it just needs more wine.

Or less wine. Or more sugar.

Sugar helps with everything.

Yeah, I'm still fine-tuning my recipes.

But once I lock them in,

I'm taking these babies public.

I'm telling you, Bwine is gonna bwow up!

[SIGHS] Just don't go wasting my beer.

Oh, come on, please.

I'm creating a fine line of fine Bwines.

I'm not gonna be using

your Frugal Hoosier
"dented but drinkables."

Okay, then.

You're not gonna believe this.

Today, in the hall

between third and fourth period,

I saw Cindy... hatless.

Hatless.

That's not a tic.

I'm just repeating it for emphasis.

[WHISPERS] Emphasis.

Damn it.

Wait. She's not wearing
her safari hat anymore?

Nope. She's waltzing around school

on those flamingo legs of hers,

just parading her porcelain
ears for all to see.

Yep, she's sending a very clear message.

- That she's decided to be normal?
- No.

That she's on the prowl, hot to trot,

- open for business again.
- Okay, Brick, we get it.

I just can't believe it.

I'm the one who broke up with her.

But she's the one
who looks like she's moved on.

Why, why, why in the world
would you break up with her?

No, I'm sure I made the right decision.

The problem is
I haven't put myself out there.

But that all changes right now.

As of... : today,

Brick Heck is officially
playing the field.

That's a sports thing, right, Dad?

Close enough.

I knew it was either that or farming.

Anyway, if I'm gonna be
entertaining the ladies,

I'd best organize
my Planet Nowhere figurines.

- Brick.
- Just let him go.

[SIGHS]

♪

[SIGHS] Mike, listen to this.

"The happiness you share
is a precious gift.

May your blessed union
continue to bring you joy

as you celebrate
your silver anniversary.

Much love, the five D's, The Donahues."

Oh, my God.

A bit much, huh?

Who's it for?

- Us!
- Why?

'Cause it's our anniversary.

It is?

Uh, yep, we forgot. Again.

Well, it's not our...
silver anniversary.

Who do you think would know better,

you or Nancy?

Really?

We've been in this thing years?

[SCOFFS]

Don't say it like that.

Oh, well.

Okay, so, what's the plan?

Float it till there's
a good coupon in the paper

for the Fountain Room at Fountains?

Mike, it's years.

We can't float this.

It's too important.

But we're gonna have to work
around my mom.

She's driving down Saturday
so we can go to the mall.

The last three stores
are going out of business,

and everything's % off.

Hey, maybe you can get yourself
a present while you're there.

I'm kidding!
No getting your own present.

We're doing it up big.

The whole shebang...

dinner, gifts... showering day-of.

Day-of? Ooh.

years and he still wants
to shower day-of.

Lucky me.

Nothing's too good for my lady.

Don't you worry.

I'm gonna take care of everything.

Sue, I need you
to take care of something.

I have a lot of sweaters
with bells on them.

What's up?

Listen, this weekend

is your mom and my th anniversary.

[SQUEALS]

Anyway, we're doing the whole shebang...

dinner, flowers, gifts...

Oh, my God. I love it!

- So, what do you need my help with?
- All those things.

Okay, well, she loves sunflowers,

but those aren't in season right now,

so let me think about it.

And for a gift,

maybe a chunky statement necklace

or something silver

or a photo puzzle with
your wedding picture on it

- or...
- Yeah, yeah. I don't need to hear.

♪

- AXL: [SPITS]
- Hey, guys!

Mom and Dad's th anniversary
is this weekend!

- Wow, they're old.
- Mm.

I know, right?

This could be one of their last ones,

so we got to make it good.

Mm, that doesn't sound like us.

What? No, no, no.

We are going all out. The whole shebang.

Okay, first things first,

someone needs to make
a dinner reservation.

You know, someplace nice
where there's ketchup

on the table and not in a packet.

All right, I'll take care of that one.

Next, one of us needs to get flowers.

We don't have a huge budget for this,

but they've been madly in love
for years

and I think the flowers
should reflect that.

You know what, I'll do that one, too.

Okay, the third thing is the gift.

Now, the good mall
is already out of business

and the bad mall only has, like,
three stores open.

I have a few thoughts,

but I wanted to hear
what you guys were thinking

before I jump in.

You should probably just jump in.

Okay, okay.

So, what if we got them...

We don't need to hear.

♪

FRANKIE: You know that expression,

"Where there's a will, there's a way"?

Well, Brick may have had
the will to play the field,

but he didn't necessarily have the way.

Hi, there. Brick Heck.

I'm currently available
for a relationship.

Here's my résumé.

Take one, pass it down.

Peruse at your leisure.

I'm a sophomore.

That's right, a sophomore.

I'm looking forward
to the appropriate encounter.

Hello.

You seem alone and friendless.

♪

Hi, I noticed you were in there a while.

Did you get your period in class,

and you weren't prepared?

I'm a good listener.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

♪

- [ MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
- [DOOR OPENS]

Oh, wow. Look who it is...
family of naysayers.

You said no one was gonna want Bwine.

Well, yours truly did
a little market research.

And before I got chased
out of The Frugal Hoosier,

I got a lot of great data.

Guess what?

out of people
were mildly interested.

Therefore, we can safely assume

that % of all people
in America love Bwine.

Well, % of the people on the couch

want you to move.

[ MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

Good, you're here.

There has been something on my mind,

and I really feel like

we need to have a family meeting
to discuss it.

- Brick!
- Whoa. Wait, wait, wait.

Can she call a family meeting?

I thought only you guys could do that.

Okay, well then, I move to add a motion

that the kids can call a family meeting.

Anyone second the motion?

Fine, I'll second it.
I second my own motion.

BRICK: What's going on?

I'm calling a family meeting.

Can she call a family meeting?

AXL: She seems to think so.

She also seems to think she can
second her own motions.

Nice meeting, Sue.
It's already off the rails.

What's the meeting about?
We're practically grown.

I figured the next family
meeting we'd be having

would be to decide whether
to pull the life support

off of Mom or Dad.

You can pull it right now.

Hey, if Sue can call family meetings,

then I can adjourn one.

Meeting is over!

Let the record show that Sue is lame.

FRANKIE: Okay, Axl.

We're already all here.

Let's just do this thing.

- Go on, Sue.
- [SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I've just been thinking
about something

and, yeah, it's been
festering a little bit.

It just seems like

when anything needs doing
in this family,

everyone comes to me.

And I just smile

and do everything for everybody, but...

AXL: [IMITATES BUZZER]

That is not family meeting-worthy.
Thanks for playing.

Uh, as I recall at the last family
meeting,

we voted four to one

that you were not to make
buzzer noises at anyone.

Continue.

And the truth is,

sometimes I like helping you guys,

and I'm not saying
I never want to do it.

I just don't want it to be assumed

that I'm the one person who does it all.

Like, Dad.

When you came to me

and wanted me to get everything
for your th anniversary,

- normally I...
- MIKE: Axl, buzzer. Buzzer.

SUE: ...wouldn't mind getting
a gift and card

and making reservations,

but this time, I just sort of thought,

"Should I really be doing this?"

And, Axl and Brick,

when I came to you guys for help,

you just sat there like statues.

Exactly!

Exactly like that!

We help with stuff.

I helped you clean your room once.

You threw all my books out the window!

[SNICKERS] Oh, yeah. Yeah.

When Brick says he has homework,

who feeds Doris for him?

I do.

Or, like when Axl says

I should clean the bathroom
because I have the longest hair,

which, by the way, is no longer true.

I just feels like am Go-To-Sue,

and I am wondering why?

Why is that my role?

Look, Sue, I get it.

Unfortunately,
that's the thing with families.

You kind of fall into certain patterns.

- You mean like you never making dinner?
- [SCOFFS]

Look, I'm just saying

that based on who you are in the family,

you might be expected
to do a few things.

But you're not the only one with a role.

I have a role, too.

I'm stuck being the cheerleader
for everybody.

- The cheerleader?
- Yes.

I have to keep the whole family going,

keep everybody positive
and in a good mood,

'cause your dad's kind of a dud,

and if I didn't,

nothing would ever happen around here.

Really?

You guys like taking hot showers?

'Cause who gets up
and lights the pilot light

on the water heater every morning?

Who warms up the cars when it snows?

Who keeps the phones charged?

Oh, big deal. You plug in stuff.

You think that's all I do?
I'm the buffer in this family.

I'm your first line of defense
between you and your mom.

Do you know that she wanted everyone

to wear ugly Christmas sweaters
in the family photo,

and I got her down to red shirts?

So, you're welcome.

That reminds me.

Who does all
the Christmas wrapping? I do!

Speaking of wrapping, Sue,
you want to wrap this up?

Shut up, Axl.

You don't do a single thing
to contribute to this family.

Oh, really?

I am the face of this family.

I am the shiny thing everyone looks at

that distracts them from all
you people's mediocrity.

You're calling us mediocre?

Hey, do you think it's fun
going through my life

carrying all you people on my back?

- [SCOFFS]
- We're talking about roles here.

My role in the family is to be awesome

and that comes with a lot of pressure!

You don't think I'd like to be
a big nothing like Brick?

You think my role in the family
is being nothing?

Well... you are correct.

Wait, what?

That's right.

I demand nothing.

I'm the cactus that grows

without the water of attention.

I didn't need braces,

I have no after-school activities

that require your attendance,

I don't burden you with worrying

about me staying out too late
with "friends."

He's got a point there.

My role as the unnoticed is perhaps

the most important one in the family.

Because I ask for nothing,

you guys don't have to do anything.

You don't have to thank me.

I just appreciate you hearing me out.

I replace the toilet paper!

Oh, please.

Raise your hand if you've
invented a beverage

that % of the country wants!

Raise your hand if you've invented
a homemade catapult

that sh**t you into a wall!

I am like a Renaissance man.

The rest of you practically
live in a cave.

You're like this painting
I saw in Europe.

I can't even describe it to you,

'cause I'm so far advanced.

Hey, while we're airing dirty laundry,

which I'm wearing, by the way,

I've worn the same outfit
for three weeks.

Hey, buzz, buzz!
You think you have it bad?

I have to be the beacon of hope
for this family.

I have to make sure

everyone's emotional needs are met.

And, by the way, if it weren't for me,

we wouldn't even have a family

to have a family meeting about,

'cause I pushed every single
one of you out of my body!

- [ALL GROAN]
- That's right. I gave you life!

Yeah, you gave us this life!

Not exactly something to brag about.

Oh, wait till you have kids someday!

Not only do I buy
all your gifts for you,

- no one ever pays me back!
- It makes my job that much harder.

No! You know what?
I'll make this easy for you.

No more Go-To-Sue.

From now on,

I'm through doing things for you people.

I'm out!

♪

Okay, well... see everybody
at pull-the-plug day.

♪

♪

So, how's it coming with
the anniversary plans?

What?

You know, the dinner, flowers, gifts...

the whole shebang we talked about.

Did you not hear me?

Do you not remember the family meeting?

I said I'm not doing it.

W-Well, yeah, I-I know you said that,

but I thought you meant after this.

Mm, no, Dad. I meant this.

I feel like
I am being taken advantage of,

and I can't let it go on any longer.

Okay, okay.

I know that in the past,

I have not appreciated what you do,

so I think I know what would help...

Please.

Sorry, Dad.

I have been vulnerable
to "please" in the past,

but this time, I am serious.

I'm not performing that role
in the family anymore.

♪

Listen, how important is

this whole anniversary thing
to you anyway?

Really?!

I'm just saying,
it can't be that important.

You didn't even remember it a week ago.

Look, I know you want me
to say it's fine,

and usually, I would just do

the cheerleader thing that I do,

and play my role

and be cool with
whatever half-assed crap

is easy for you,

but it's our silver anniversary,

so, yeah, it's important.

- Okay, then.
- Okay.

I just have one question.

Why is it me with
the sole responsibility

of doing something for you?

Maybe it should be your job

to be planning some big shebang for me.

Fine, I get it.

You don't want to do anything,
so forget it.

No. Hey, I'm serious.

Everyone's talking about, uh,
giving up roles around here.

Well, I don't like this one.

I don't like being
in charge of anniversaries

that always end up
disappointing you anyway.

I don't want to do it anymore!

Oh, poor you.

I know what a hardship
it's been all these years

walking across the hall,
getting Sue to do it!

Oh, you got me!

I'm not a party planner.

Well, I think I do plenty
of other things around here

that more than make up for it.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, do you? Yeah.

A hell of a lot more than you.

It's not a contest, Mike.

That's what people always say

when they know they're losing.

Oh, I'm sorry!

You do a lot of things around here.

I forgot.

You plug things in.

So that leaves you plugging

- and me... everything else!
- [LAUGHS]

Your, uh, butt imprint
on the couch says otherwise.

Yeah, your big imprint
is right next to it.

Okay, well, I'll tell you what?

That's fine.

How about, since you don't appreciate

what I do around here,

I won't be doing it anymore!

Oh, give me a break.

Nope.

I'm not plugging in your phone,

I'm not worrying about your battery.

Look at this ice scraper I got for you

to put in your trunk
cause it's getting cold?

Mine now!

[IN DISTANCE] You see
this stuff I got for you?

It's coming with me.

Okay, guys, I'm calling
an emergency kid meeting.

Wait, what's a kid meeting?

It's an offshoot of a family meeting.

Okay, clearly, we need to lock down

some bylaws for these meeting,

'cause Sue is drunk with power.

Guys! This is important!

Do you not hear Mom and Dad?

They're fighting.

On their silver anniversary!

You two need to step in
and do something.

- What?
- Huh?

Well, I can't do it.

It's not my role to be
peacemaker anymore.

Oh, you're not playing
your role anymore, hmm?

Well, maybe I shouldn't
play mine, either.

Sure, I could go in there

and lighten the mood with my levity

and bring Mom and Dad back together,

but, hey, maybe years
is all they got in them.

Why waste my charm on a lost cause?

No, no, no. I know what you're doing.

You think if you're stubborn enough,

I'll crumble like I always do,

but I mean it this time!

- [GIGGLES]
- What are you laughing at?

Oh, can't say, Sue,

because I'm not playing
the entertainer anymore.

It's too bad, too,

'cause the thing I just thought
of that I'm not saying

is the funniest sick burn on you ever.

Grrr!

Come on! Is it about my ugly face?

Comparing me to an animal?
My greasy scalp?

My unruly leg hair?

Something that rhymes with dorkcheese?

FRANKIE: Mayo... all mine!

Sorry, to interrupt,
just need to grab a Sharpie.

Gah!

You guys, Axl won't tell me
what insults he has for me!

Axl, stop torturing your sister
and tell her your insult!

I am busy!

I am changing Heck's brand Bwine

to H-E-X.

This family will no longer

be associated with my success.

You guys are done riding my coat tails.

And besides, "Hex" looks like "sex"

and sex sells.

Business major. Can't turn it off.

Well, you can sex it up all you want,

but nobody's gonna buy that crap.

I thought you liked it.

Nope. Just being nice. Not anymore!

Well, fine.

Then enjoy weaning yourselves

off the teat that is my awesomeness.

'Cause from on,
your bright and shining star

is gonna be plain and boring.

You know, like Brick.

- [BRICK PLAYS SOUR NOTE ON FRENCH HORN]
- [GASPS] Aah.

MIKE: What the hell is that?
Brick, stop it!

I'm sorry, I will not be stopping.

From what I'm hearing,

we're all gonna be unshackled
from our roles.

Therefore, I am no longer content

to sit in the shadows.

I want attention... and a lot of it.

[PLAYS SOUR NOTE ON FRENCH HORN]

Where'd you get that thing?

In my quest for female companionship,

I joined the orchestra.

I actually joined a week ago,
but no one bothered to ask

why I've been staying late after school.

But that's all about to change.

I can't wait to share

every fascinating detail of orchestra.

And I have a...

Don't say it!

Oh, I'm saying it.

A concert next week,

and I expect you all to be there!

I have a lot of needs,
and I expect them to be met.

Tell me what song this sounds like.

[PLAYS SOUR NOTE ON FRENCH HORN]

Brick, sorry,

but if you're looking for encouragement,

you're gonna have to dig down
deep inside yourself

to find the will to go on,

'cause your mom is out of
the cheerleading business.

Uh, Dad? You're interrupting me.

- I don't think you should be interru...
- Okay, this is ridiculous.

I'm calling another family meeting. No!

You are forbidden from calling
any more meetings!

[PLAYS SOUR NOTE]

Besides, this whole thing is
your fault in the first place.

Oh, excuse me
for standing up for myself!

For not being a pushover middle child!

For being selfish for once in my life!

Once?

Yes, Axl, I give and I give

in ways that you don't even see!

Like this.

This is the last piece of fudgy cake!

And I thought, "Hmm, maybe
I should leave it

for someone else in the family."

But no, not anymore! I'm eating it!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

I should feel guilty, but I don't.

I have tasted selfishness,
and it is delicious!

Okay, okay, everybody, that's enough.

I think we have all made our point.

We're all very valuable and whatever.

Well, good,
maybe you're finally starting

to understand and appreciate
what I do around here.

What? Complain?

[MOCKINGLY] Keep it down in there.

How long do we have to stay?

No big drinks at the movies!

Oh, we're doing each other now?

[MOCKINGLY] Hey, everybody,

it's time for some forced family fun.

- Let's dance!
- [GASPS]

[NORMAL VOICE] I can't believe you!

After all these years of
trying to get you to dance,

you're doing it now?

Don't you dare dance to spite me!

[MOCKINGLY] [GRUNTS] I'm Axl.

I invent dumb things
but think I'm smart.

Well, at least I'm not weird like Brick.

[MOCKINGLY] Whoop! Whoop! French horn!

[WHISPERS] French horn.

Oh, are we imitating people?

[HIGH-PITCHED] I'm Sue!

I just love America so much!

I also love Germany!

But now, not the way it used to be.

Hey, guys. I'm Mom. Join me!

Then I'm gonna invite Nancy to come over

and we're gonna talk too loud

while other people are trying
to watch football!

[CELLPHONE RINGS] I'm full, but I'm

not gonna offer it to anybody else.

FYI, I want every one
of my performances recorded,

and we're gonna watch them repeatedly

- as a family.
- No! I'm throwing it out!

Grandma's in the hospital.

Oh, I'm Mom.

I say things like,
"Grandma's in the hospital."

Ohh. Wait.

♪

[SIGHS]

Well, they're taking Mom for an MRI.

I mean, she's good...
she's stable and talking.

Well, what happened?

She was driving to the house

and apparently, like miles away,

she got dizzy and disoriented,

and she managed to pull over.

And thank God someone
stopped and called .

Do they know what it is?

Uh, they're still trying
to figure it out,

so they're doing some tests.

There's a chance
it could've been a stroke.

- Oh!
- No, I can't believe it.

Oh, I have to call Dad.
Where's my phone?

Oh, you were low on battery,

so I plugged it in over there.

I already called Tag.

And, uh, Bill Norwood
is picking up Pat's car.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I was so selfish.

The cake wasn't even that good.

It's Frugal Hoosier bakery,

so it's basically just
a frosted loaf of bread.

Is there anything you need?
What can I do?

No, I'm fine, honey.

WOMAN: Dr. Raymond.

Dr. Raymond to the NICU.

- Thanks. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

FRANKIE: [SIGHS]

Jello, everybody!

I thought you might be hungry,

so I chatted up a nurse.

I told her it was Brick's birthday

and his favorite food
is lime green jello.

What can I say? She liked my smile.

So how's my cactus doing?

Eh, I'm a little tired.

Seeking attention is exhausting.

Axl makes it look so easy.

I'm sorry we didn't know
about orchestra, Brick.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm quitting anyway.

It turns out, when you join the group

late in the semester,

everyone's already paired off.

Even nerds need love.

It's kind of sad,

but in a way, kind of beautiful.

Hmm.

I'm starting to think

when I decided to play the field,

I may have overestimated the field.

Breaking up with Cindy
might've been a huge mistake.

MIKE: We all said that, Brick.

- We all said that.
- [SIGHS]

♪

SUE: I'm just scared about Grandma.

Hey, if there's one thing I know,

it's how tough your grandma is.

She's not gonna let
something like this stop her.

She's gonna be fine.

We just all have to stick together

and think positive thoughts.

♪

A little Bwubbly for your anniversary?

Ooh. I could use some Bwine.

♪

Happy anniversary, Frankie.

♪

Okay, this one isn't bad.

It's kind of got the dryness of wine

- with just the right amount of foam.
- Hmm.

FRANKIE: The truth is, a family,

when it's working right,

is a lot like an orchestra.

Everyone plays a certain part.

But when it all comes together,

it makes a beautiful symphony.

♪