09x06 - The Setup

[bunniefuu]

Okay, there's your... pillow...

Oh. Yep.

- ...and blanket.
- Thanks.

And I got you those People magazines.

[ CHUCKLES ] Good.

[ SIGHS ]

Mike, give my mom the remote.

Yeah, sure.

Here you go. Watch whatever you want.

The game's coming on.

Well, I like those tiny-house shows.

You know the ones

where they take a house like this

but make it up nice.

♪

BRICK: Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey, Brick.

Grandma's gonna be
staying with us for a while,

and the good news is
she didn't have a stroke.

The doctors are still trying
to figure out what went wrong.

Hm. Did she bring fudge?

- [ GASPS ] Oh...
- Brick!

What? You said she didn't have a stroke.

She was in the hospital.

When would she have made fudge?

I don't know how grandmas work.

All I know is that when I see her,

there's usually fudge.

Oh, I can whip up a batch of fudge

- lickety-split.
- No, no, no.

- You are not whipping up anything.
- Oh.

Brick can survive without fudge.

- So, that's a firm...
- No fudge!

♪

So, how's this gonna work?

You want me to drive up and get your dad?

Uh... that would be a big "no."

If my dad comes,

they'll just get on each other's nerves.

He'll get frustrated because
she can't make his lunch,

and he'll end up yelling at her.

Not to mention the fact

that he just bought
a new, coiled garden hose,

so we will never hear the end of that.

So, where are we gonna put her?

"Where are we gonna put her?"

She's not a puppy, Mike. She's my mom.

And we're gonna put her in our room.

Fine. Where are you putting me?

You can sleep in Sue's bed.

I don't want to sleep
in a little girl's bed.

My feet will hang over.

It's a standard human bed,

so if your feet hang over, that's on you.

♪

So, then my attending says,
"Donahue, it's a cadaver.

You can dispense with the pleasantries."

[ LAUGHS ]

I'm sorry. I'm a polite guy.

I was taught to introduce myself.

And here I am bragging about
how polite I am,

and I'm talking
about cadavers while we eat.

Oh, please.

I sit next to Axl at the dinner table.

I can eat through anything.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

This is nice.

I'd say we make a Wednesday
tradition out of it,

but I'd probably have to run it
by your boyfriend first.

- Am I right?
- Right. [ LAUGHS ]

- Wait, I don't have a boyfriend.
- You don't?

But I thought Axl said...

I dated a guy
for a little while last year.

He drove the campus safety cart,

but it didn't work out.

Our relationship. Not the safety.

He is very revered at his job.

- Mm.
- But it's all good

'cause I am super busy with school

- and my No-Cut A Capella.
- I totally get that.

With med school,

I barely have enough time to meet anyone,

let alone get to know someone well enough

- to date them.
- Uh, hello!

It takes a lot of time
to really get to know a person.

Yeah. Sometimes I-I almost think

it would be easier to date someone

if you're friends first.

Totally!

'Cause then it's like

- you already have a connection.
- Right.

You can practically
finish each other's...

Meals.

- Actually, I was gonna say "sentences."
- Oh, duh.

- [ CHUCKLES ]
- That makes more sense.

You know, like us.

We've known each other for so long,

it's just easy.

I mean, this might sound crazy,

but sometimes I think we should...

Set each other up on dates?

Uh...

Yeah. That's...

That's the exact sentence
I was gonna say,

but you finished it for me.

Thanks, Suzy Q.

Yeah, of course.

- [ CHUCKLES ] What a great idea.
- [ CHUCKLES ]

We're setting each other up on dates!

- Yeah.
- Oh, yay!

♪

FRANKIE: Thank you so much, Dr. Franklin.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

Okay, so, they think it's
benign positional vertigo.

Wait, slow down.

It's like when I saw "Hamilton"
at Fort Wayne...

didn't catch a single word.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So, they think
it's benign... positional...

Well, you don't have to talk that slow.

I understand English.

[ SIGHS ]

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Oh, all these darn pills

are making me a little crabby.

It's totally fine, Mom.

Basically, the doctors
think it's vertigo,

but they want to run some tests

to rule other stuff out,

so they want to see you again on Friday.

Oh, no, that won't work.

I'm going home tomorrow.

What, Mom? No. You're not going anywhere.

The doctor said these tests
are very important.

Oh, they don't know.

Actually, Mom, they do know.

But I'm gonna take the day off of work,

and I'll go with you,

and in the meantime, you just relax,

and I'll make you a nice, cool washcloth.

Oh, thank you.

Love you.

Love you more.

Wait, you're getting a washcloth?

I think I'd rather have
a moist paper towel.

Where are my paper towels?

Wait, you didn't tell Janet
about my incident, did you?

Mom, you were in the hospital.

I had to tell her.

Well, don't bother her anymore.

Oh, she's very busy.

That Lucy's a genius

and takes up a lot of her time.

Lucy made a rocket that went feet.

That doesn't make her a genius.

Jealousy is not a good color
on you, Frankie.

Okay, Mom.

I'm gonna go grab that paper towel.

Wait, you don't know how I make it.

Mom, I think I can run water
on a paper towel.

I don't need to be as smart as Lucy

- to figure that out.
- Okay.

But don't put it directly on your counter

'cause I want it clean.

♪

Okay, so Sean and I are just hanging out,

having pizza...

Oh, my God. Did he ask you out?

Wait, no spoilers.
I want to hear everything.

Okay, so, we're having pizza,
and it turns out,

he thought I had a boyfriend.

- And you tell him you don't.
- I tell him I don't,

and then he says
he's so busy with med school,

he can't even think about
having a girlfriend.

Ah, hunky med student
too busy to find love

until he realizes

it's been right under his nose
the whole time.

I like where this is going.

So, we talk about how much time
and effort it takes

to really get to know someone,

and then he says,
"This might sound crazy,

but maybe you and I should..."

But he pauses, so I say...

Oh, don't tell me!

I never want this story to end.

Okay, tell me!

I say...

"set each other up on a date?"

Shut... up.

Ugh! I know!

I don't know what I was doing, Brad.

I goofed my chance is what I did.

I had an opportunity to go for it,

and it's gone forever!

[ SIGHS ]

Sue, look at me.

Now look away.

Now look at me again.

You need to pull yourself up
by your boot straps

and, in the word
of Swedish supergroup ABBA,

"Take a chance. Take a chance.

Take a... Take a chance... chance"!

I can't, Brad!

When I said we should set each other up,

he seemed genuinely excited.

- Oh...
- I'm gonna have to set him up,

but with who?!

Oh, definitely go with a loser.

There's this girl in my dorm

who's hooked on
pharmacy-grade cough syrup.

She'll fall asleep
right in her Caesar salad,

and if she's not sleeping,
she'll be stealing from him.

I can't do that.

I have to set him up with someone great.

Worst case scenario,

they fall in love, get married,

live a long, happy life together,

she dies peacefully in her sleep,

and then I swoop in and date Sean!

And I'll know he's worth the wait

because he was faithful to her
for years.

- Hm.
- Oh.

I think you're right, Sue.

It's like they say...

if you love something, set it up.

If it goes on a date
and comes back to you,

it's meant to be.

♪

Oh, the problem is with the right burner.

Burner.

Burner!

Oh, your dad says, "Hi."

Bur-ner!

Yes.

The left one goes click, click, light,

but the right one goes

click, click, click, click, light.

- She'll call you back, Dad.
- [ SCOFFS ]

The stove people are coming today.

You father has no idea what to tell them.

I'm gonna have to drive back.

No, no, no. You can't do that.

I will call the stove people

and reschedule the appointment.

I'm sure they get cancellations
all the time.

- I'm sure they do from rude people.
- [ SIGHS ]

Sweetie, our generation
kept their appointments.

Yeah, Mom, it's really not a big deal.

Yes, it is.

We made a commitment to that stove guy,

and we're gonna honor it.

Mom, you're not marrying the stove guy.

You're just rescheduling.

Yeah, oh, hi. Hello.

Um, yeah, I-I need to cancel
a service call.

I'm calling for my mom, Pat Spence.

Oh, this is not like me.

You tell them this is not like me!

My mom says it's not like her.

I'm sorry, yes. Can you repeat that?

Yeah.

Friday between : and :
would be great.

I'm not gonna pay
the $ cancellation fee.

They said they would waive the fee.

I'll pay the fee.

- Just keep the appointment...
- [ SIGHS ]

...and explain to them that
I would've called sooner,

but your father changed
phone companies again,

- and then I forgot.
- I am so sorry.

Mom, he doesn't need to know that.

- Okay.
- [ SCOFFS ]

Hello, this is Pat Spence.

Yes, let me explain about the stove.

Uh, I'm staying at my daughter's house

because they think I have vertigo.

They have to take more tests.

We bought the house in

just after our girls graduated.

Mom, he doesn't need to know...

Sweetie, I am on the phone.

No butter?

Anyway, uh, it was originally
painted avocado green

which, by the way,
I don't think they even make

that color appliance anymore.

♪

So, her name is Tessa.

I met her in my econ class,
and she's pretty,

but, you know, not, like,
the best thing in the world,

and let's see...

Oh, she's funny, but not someone

who would, like,
go somewhere with her comedy.

She can push a little.

But, you know,
you can decide for yourself.

You might think there's someone
out there who's better.

Your call.

Okay, didn't do
quite as much research as you,

but as far as your date goes,

I've got a couple good options.

Still narrowing it down,

but it's definitely on
for tomorrow night.

Okay.

Oh, hey! Tessa!

Tessa, this is Sean. Sean, Tessa.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, put that away. I'm a hugger.

[ LAUGHS ]

Oh, save some for later.

Or don't. [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

Bear with me, Mrs. Perkins.

I'm just a first year.

Bet you wish you went with
a better insurance plan now.

[ LAUGHS ] You're so cute.
I could sit here all day.

Are you taken?

I have a whole wallet
full of granddaughters.

Well, actually,
I went on a date last night

which... it was fine.

She checked all the boxes, but...

I don't know.

I mean...

- My friend Sue set me up.
- Mm-hmm.

And... the funny thing is

I would've rather gone
on a date with her.

Mm-hmm. So, you're smitten with Sue, huh?

Yeah, she's pretty special.

And now I'm supposed to set her
up with one of my friends,

but the more I keep thinking about it,

am I really gonna let
some other guy show up

and take the girl I like out on a date?

No way, you're not.

Yeah.

- So what if it was me?
- Ooh.

What if when Sue Heck
opens her door tonight,

it's Sean Donahue standing there?

[ LAUGHS ]

You know what? I'm gonna go for it!

Well, good for you.

Now, let's take that can-do attitude

and get me to crap.

Yes.

Of course, yes.

♪

Okay, here you go.

Ohh.

[ SNIFFS ] Whew!

I-I haven't showered in four days.

I-I'm gonna have to break out

the brand-name soap for this one.

Listen, I'm gonna be in there
for a while,

so if you want me to grab you a pop,

now is the time to ask.

Well, if your dad was here,

I wouldn't even be able to have a pop.

About five years ago,

Harvey from across the street

- got on your dad about Aspartame.
- [ SIGHS ]

You remember Harvey.

He's the one that's got
the dog that barks all night.

I can never remember that dog's name.

Yes or no on the pop, Mom?

Oh, I'm not thirsty.

But when you do come out,

I'd love another wet paper towel.

It was a little drippy the last time,

so you're gonna want to wring it.

I'm gonna want to wring it, all right.

♪

[ HUMS ]

Ahh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not sleeping in here
again, are you?

Yeah, Dad, no offense,

- but your snoring is unbearable.
- I agree,

except for the "no offense" part.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you go sleep
on the nice, comfy couch, huh?

I got a better idea.

Why don't you two buy a house?

Then you can decide where people sleep.

Hey, I pay for groceries!

I mean, I haven't yet,

but you told me I'm supposed to.

Look, I'm the dad,
and I'm not going anywhere.

Besides, I'm starting
to warm up to this place.

Sue's bed is comfortable,

the room smells like flowers,

and her unicorn night light

lights my path to the bathroom
like a runway.

- God, this is so unfair!
- Come on, Dad.

- You're just taking over everything.
- Please! It's just...

Bup-bup-bup! I don't want to hear it.

You two have very nice beds
in a very nice house.

Now, scamper through
that hole in the wall

and leave me alone.

♪

[ HUMS ]

Ahh!

FRANKIE: So, Saturday night.

- A little lipstick, a quick pep talk...
- [ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

...and Sue was ready to meet
her mystery date.

♪

Hi, I'm Sue. Nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too.

What do you got there?

Uh, let's see.

Apple and Brie cheese sandwich,

macadamia nut salad,

and a piece of chocolate cake.

Oh, okay.

Are we having a little moonlight picnic?

Could be, I...

Okay. Sounds great. Let's do it.

♪

All right. All right.

[ CHUCKLES ]

♪

I can't believe Dad drove us
from our own room.

Does he know what time I have
to be on the bus tomorrow?

What about me, huh?
I got to drive the bus.

You just got to sit in the back,

and come up with clever nicknames

for Susie Miller's boobs.

Or whatever it is you do
to pass the time.

Point is, I am responsible for children.

Dad works in a quarry.

I mean, what does he even do there?

I saw him staple a few papers
when I was there.

He probably sells rocks.

You don't sell rocks, Brick.

People just dig 'em up.
It's public domain.

Well, maybe he turns rocks
into marble counters.

If he could do that,
we'd have a better kitchen.

Well, I know the word "quarry"

is derived from
the old French "quarriere"

which translated to Latin means

- "place where stone is squared."
- Okay.

So, we've established

- you'll never see a girl naked.
- Mm.

How's that college degree?

Did you get it from

the University of Moving
Back In With Your Parents?

Mean is not funny, Brick.

Look, all I know is

a guy who does something with rocks

is making us sleep out here.

I need sleep, dude.

I'm a bus driver.

I need sleep, too.

I got to do well in school

so I don't end up as a bus driver

or a guy who does stuff with rocks.

[ GRUMBLES ]

What does Dad do?

♪

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

Uh, hey, Lexie.

I-I was expecting you to be Sue.

I was expecting you to be
the Postmates guy.

Okay.

Do you happen to know where Sue is?

I haven't seen her.

I've just been in my room studying.

Where the heck is my Brie sandwich?

♪

Mmm!

Mm.

It must be so amazing being in a band.

It is. It's cool.

I mean, unless you're...
trying to be awesome,

and you jump off an amp,

and you break your pinkie finger
on the drum set.

Ooh! No way! Yeah. [ LAUGHS ]

- You did that?
- Uh, yeah. I did.

- I actually cried a little backstage.
- [ LAUGHS ]

And by "a little," I mean "a lot."

You know, and by "backstage,"

I mean... "in front of the audience."

[ LAUGHS ]

Oh, man.

Sean didn't tell me you were so funny.

Who's Sean?

♪

Mom, what are you doing?

I had a burst of energy,

and I thought I would
reorganize your cabinets.

You have vertigo.

You are not even supposed to
get up without supervision.

You could've slipped and hit your head!

Oh, sweetie, I would never
slip on these floors.

They're too sticky.

[ SIGHS ]

Still, I don't need you
to reorganize my cabinets.

Everything is fine where it was.

Well...

At least separate your beans
from your soups.

Mom, please,

I have had to switch two shifts at work.

I'm getting no sleep.

So, at least let me put my beans
where I want them.

Well, I'm sorry, honey.

I didn't know you were so picky.

I mean, there's no evidence around here

that anybody cares where anything goes.

Okay, Mom, I know!

Our generation just sucks,

because we cancel appointments,

and we don't organize our cans,

and we're loosey-goosey with money,

but before you criticize me,

why don't you take a look at yourself

'cause paper towels aren't
better than washcloths

and round saltines
aren't better than square.

%... not a good tip.

And your stories start way too early.

If somebody asks you a question,

they don't want you
to start at your birth!

♪

[ CRYING ]

[ SIGHS ]

♪

Good thing your dad didn't come down.

He might've yelled at her.

♪

I'm horrible, Mike.

I am the worst daughter on Earth.

I just yelled at my sick mother.

But she took all my stuff
out of the cabinet,

and I won't be able
to find my green beans.

[ VOICE BREAKING ]
I don't want my mom to get old!

Hey, it's okay.

Hang in there.

But is this it?

Is this how my mom is gonna be now?

[ NORMAL VOICE ] Everything changes,

and this is how it's gonna be
from here on out?

I thought I had years before this.

Hey, every day might not be good,

but there's something good in every day.

I guess.

I just want another chance...

another chance to go back
and not yell at my mom.

You never run out of chances
till you stop taking them.

Okay, why are you talking weird?

I... No offense,

but you're starting to sound
kind of like Sue's wall.

Hm.

I guess I do.

Maybe those inspirational posters

are seeping in.

I'm just scared, Mike.

I'm scared about taking care of my mom.

I can barely keep things
together as it is.

I mean, I don't know
if I'm a good caregiver.

I'm not patient enough.

The whole time I'm doing it,
I keep thinking,

"I just want to watch 'The Bachelor.'"

Well, don't b*at yourself up.

You're doing a heck of a lot better

than our kids are gonna do with us.

That's true.

PAT: Frankie!

[ SIGHS ]

♪

[ GROANS ]

Mom, are you all right?

Oh, it's that stupid medicine.

I thought I could hold something down,

but I can't.

Oh... [ GROANS ]

Oh, you're gonna need to wash
that bath mat.

Oh, and I think I ruined
your good Holiday Inn towel.

It's okay. That towel's had a good run.

Oh. I'm sorry, Frankie.

No, it's not a problem. I'll clean it up.

Do you want some ginger ale
or saltines or something?

I have the round ones.

I feel like such a burden.

Oh, stop it.

Well, it's not supposed to
be this way, Frankie.

You shouldn't be feeding me

and schlepping me to the doctor...

[VOICE BREAKING]
...and cleaning up my messes.

Mom, really, it's fine.

[ NORMAL VOICE ] It isn't fine!

You shouldn't be doing any of this.

Mom.

It's my privilege.

Don't you remember?

I'm so sorry, Mom.

I-I don't know why she won't stop crying.

I changed her four times today.

Well, she's a baby, and babies cry.

But I just feel like
I'm failing in every way,

and I haven't slept in three weeks,

I'm very overwhelmed,

and I just keep calling you
to bail me out,

and you shouldn't have to do it, Mom.

- Oh...
- You shouldn't have to.

It's my privilege.

Okay.

Axl, I'm-a coming!

♪

I love you, Mom.

[ VOICE BREAKING ]
I love you, too, honey.

Oh...

♪

♪

[ BIRDS CAWING ]

♪

Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no!

Axl! Get up! I'm late for school!

Nobody cares, Brick!

Wait a minute.

I'm your bus driver!

Oh, God.

Why did we stay up all night

trying to figure out what Dad does?

We got to get to the bus yard.

- Uh, we don't have time!
- What are we gonna do?

[ TIRES SQUEAL, KIDS SCREAMING ]

Okay. Okay, guys.

Come on. Hey! Hey! Hey!

Turn off the stove!

Turn off the stove now!

Turn it off! Thank you.

Hey! Hey, you two! Out of the bed.

I know what you're doing up there,

and it's not cool.

So, there's a guy

standing at my door in a nice outfit

holding a bag of food.

To me, that says "date."

I totally get it.

- Isn't that funny?
- It's hilarious.

Oh, I hope your friend's okay, though.

I feel so horrible for standing him up.

Nah, it's... it's all good.

Well, I mean,
if he still wants to go out,

I totally would.

It's just...

I sort of hit it off
with the Postmates guy.

Don't worry, Suzy Q.

You're happy. That's all that matters.

Aww!

You sure your friend's gonna be okay?

Yeah, he's... used to it.

♪

[ SIGHS ]

♪

Okay, Mom.

I made sure all your medicine
is in your purse.

Oh, and I got some extra paper towels

so we don't have to stop on the way home.

Yes, it's the kind you like.

- [ TRUNK CLOSES ]
- [ CHUCKLES ]

There's some construction on .

So, you might want to stay on Rybeck Road

till you're out of town.

Okay.

Thanks for letting me
steal your wife, Mike.

You got a good one here.

She's working out so far.

- Say "Hi" to Tag for me.
- Okay.

He doesn't have to call me or anything.

Okay.

AXL: Bye, Grandma.

Next time, bring fudge.

Tough day at the office?

Well... yeah.

Actually, I, um... made some decisions

which the powers that be

may or may not have interpreted
as extremely poor

or possibly actionable judgment.

I overslept.

I used the Winnebago to pick
up the kids on my bus route.

- They fired me.
- Hm.

♪

Well, you know, Axl,

when it rains, look for rainbows.

When it's dark, look for stars.

I got to get out of Sue's room.

♪

What exactly do you do, by the way?