09x15 - Toasted

[bunniefuu]

So, what do you think?

Think you're a few years off.

Well, I think it's cute,

and I think you're jealous
because Sue invited me up

to celebrate her st birthday

and you had to trick Axl

into celebrating his with you.

I didn't trick him.

And don't get too big a head there.

Didn't she choose you just 'cause

her real friends are out of town?

I'm fun, Mike.

I'm the fun parent, and Sue knows it,

and we are gonna party like it's .

You were with two kids in ' .

Oh, hey, do you know
where the blue bag is?

Aha! Whoo! Got it.

That's the blue bag?

I thought the blue bag was yellow.

The blue bag was yellow,
and now the blue bag is orange.

Try to keep up.

Oh, good, the blue bag.

Unh-unh.

Blue bag is coming with me.

What? But you're only going minutes.

It'll take Dad and me
at least an hour and a half

to get to the Planet Nowhere convention.

You still want to do that?

Uh, yeah?

I'm just saying,

it seems like you kind of
just did it with Sue.

That was three years ago,

and this time they're taking
over a whole abandoned mall.

Now, we're gonna need to lay
a little groundwork for you

as a Nowhere newbie.

Yes, I ordered you the badge,
but don't worry,

I'll catch you up on the drive.

Hey!

Look who's here.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Brickster, lookin' sharp.

And Mrs. Heck.

Or should I say Your Majesty?

So, old Kenny's getting married, huh?

Crazy, right?

Hitchin' up with some girl

he met on a train platform in Amsterdam.

Yep. Their avatars fell in love,
and then they did.

We haven't even met her yet.

Sweet! The blue bag!

Oh, gross! Who put fruit in here?

I did, because I'm taking the blue bag.

What? No. No, no, no.

Kenny's wedding is in Ohio,

and the fridge in the 'Bago is busted.

Well, to be fair,

everything in the 'Bago's busted.

Ooh, I told Sue I would be there by : .

Okay, anybody got any birthday cards

or presents I should take up to Sue?

That's what I thought.

All right.

We got a long drive ahead of us,

so we might as well hit the road.

Have fun at Planet Loser.

The sooner we start,

the sooner we finish.

Unh-unh, we're not doing this.

What? Why not?

'Cause we just waited an hour in line

to see that rock guy.

We're not waiting in another

whole, big line again.

Uh, I believe you're
talking about Lord Alyzium.

He's not a rock, he's a mineral.

From where I stood,

he was mostly Styrofoam.

No offense, Dad, but I don't think

you're embracing the spirit
of this convention.

I promise you, this one's
gonna be worth it.

I didn't want to spoil it for you,

but they have a live
Menenjula Twin Habitat.

I don't care if they have

a young Angie Dickinson habitat.

I'm not waiting in this line.

"Why are you being mean to Brick?

Just wait in line."

Did you just text your mom?

Silligans cannot lie.

Well, they can, but then
their arms will fall off.

Look, I'm the one
that brought you out here.

If you got a problem with something,

take it up with me, don't text your mom.

Come on, the line to poke
that jellyfish thingy

was wide-open.

Let's go.

Excuse me.

Man, it is so weird,
Kenny getting married.

Yeah, I know.

How are we old enough

to have a friend getting married?

Seems like just yesterday,

the three of us were
living in this thing.

Because it was just yesterday.

I mean, we practically just graduated.

We're still kids!

How can anyone be getting married?

It's so... grown-up.

Is Kenny a grown-up?

Are we grown-ups?

No, we can't be grown-ups.

I still have to date
at least one more crazy chick

before I settle down.

Hey, you're closer to
being a grown-up than I am.

At least you got your own place.

Would a grown-up still sleep
with a night light?

I tell people
it's a fancy smoke detector.

I don't even pay my taxes yet.

Well, you should.

Last week, a cartoon made me cry.

I still drink juice boxes.

I still use Batman toothpaste.

Yeah, we're not grown-up yet.

Yeah.

Ooh, Chuck E. Cheese.

Oh! Well, hello, bartender.

I would like to order
some alcohol, please.

And don't worry, it's legal.

You don't have to trust the sash.

Oh!

Wow.

Happy birthday, Miss... Sue Sue Heck.

I suppose you're gonna want to see mine.

Ah, my mom makes that joke, too.

All right, first round's on the house

for the birthday girl. What will it be?

Ohh, I don't know. They all look so good.

I should've made a binder for this.

Okay, I don't know.

Let's have something
with an umbrella. Mm.

No, with fruit.

No! With fire.

Listen, since it's your st,

why don't I whip you up
something special,

and you can let me know what you think?

- Ah!
- Ooh!

Okay. All right.

So, you're gonna want to pace yourself.

We have all night.

And the most important thing

is not to drink on an empty stomach.

That means we're gonna want to layer.

We need to make a nice, cozy bed
of absorbent food layers

for the booze to rest on.

Got it.

Oh, and don't let me forget...

It's a big thing here
that on your st birthday,

everybody kisses the East
Indy dragon statue.

It's one of our oldest traditions,

dating back to the ' s,

so, obvi, I got to do it.

Enjoy, ladies.

- Ah!
- Mmm!

Oh, happy birthday, honey.

Ohh!

- First legal drink!
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, I think there's
something bad in this.

That's the alcohol.

Oh.

One order of fries,

and a pop in the Faxon's Folly
festival-only collector's cup.

What the hell?!

What'd you do that for?

That's what they're for.

When the Silligans were being
chased from the Outer Rings

by the Marderian Horde, they cut weight

by dumping their food stores.

We honor their sacrifice
by doing the same.

I know you're a newbie, but come on, Dad.

Can you at least
lower your voice a little

when asking dumb questions?

That will be $ . .

For a pop?!

It's a collector's cup.

Well, then, I'm just
gonna collect my money

and put it back in my pocket.

Ridiculous.

They think 'cause they got you trapped,

you'll pay for anything.

Great, now I got French fry
all over my foot.

"Just let Brick have the cup."

What did I tell ya?! I said,
"Don't go texting your mom."

Well, I'm sorry, but you're
being unreasonable.

If you're coming to something like this,

you should expect to get a souvenir cup.

I'm beginning to understand why
Mom says she's the fun parent.

Well, that may be true,
but you're stuck with me.

We're stuck with each other,
and that's the way it is,

so you're just gonna have

Hello?

You need to calm down.

What? Are you kidding me?!

That vein was popping out of your head.

I was worried about you.

I think Mom should be notified

if you're about to have
a medical episode.

Suck it up, Mike.

Just let him do his weird things.

Hey, I let him do plenty.
You don't know...

You don't know what we've
done and haven't done,

but he shouldn't be texting you.

I'm the parent on duty,
I'm dealing with it.

You think I want to be
getting all these texts?

Every time I try
to take a selfie with Sue,

Brick keeps popping up,

telling me how awful you're being.

He threw a $ basket of fries
against the wall!

It's the Wall of Sacrifice!
That's what you do.

You know, if this were Axl,
you wouldn't be complaining.

You would happily go along
with whatever he wanted to do.

All I'm asking is that you choose Brick.

Choose Brick?

What the hell does that even
mean... "Choose Brick"?

I'm saying he's your kid
and he deserves your attention.

Even if you're tired,
you can't just slack off.

You got to be on top of your
game when it comes to your kids.

Happy birthday to me!

Happy birthday to meeee!

I was gone five minutes. What happened?

Everybody is so nice
when it's your birthday.

They all keep giving me free drinks,

and they are all so good.

- This one is my favorite...
- You shouldn't be mixing.

...because it's the colors of the flag.

- Okay, but...
- No, wait, this one

because it tickles my nose
when I drink it.

No, wait!

You're all my babies.

Aww!

From the exchange students at table nine.

- Ooh.
- Oh, no, no, no.

She's gonna need at least two more layers

to soak everything up.

I'm teaching her to drink responsibly.

Ooh, this is good.

We're gonna need one more of these.

Mnh-mnh.

Yep, it was a good thing

I was there for Sue so I could teach her

how to drink responsibly.

Shark att*ck!

Go, Mommy! Go, Mommy! Go!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Wait!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait! The dragon!

I still got to kiss the dragon.

What dragon? My ass is draggin'.

You said "ass." You're so funny. I know!

Ooh, I got another one,
I got another one.

Yeah?

My ass is draggin'.

Oh, but Mommy, the dragon...

the poor dragon is probably so lonely

out there all alone at night.

Oh, I got to go. We got to go...

got to go kiss my dragon boyfriend.

Okay, hang on.

Whew! Okay, I'm not feeling so hot.

You know what, let's just
go back to the apartment,

and then you can kiss
the dragon tomorrow.

What? No, I can't do that.

If I kiss the dragon on a day
that's not my birthday,

it's just dumb.

Hey, Sue! Mrs. Heck!

- Hey!
- Aidan!

Whoo! Hey!

I thought I'd see
if you guys were still here

and buy you a birthday drink.

We're gonna kiss the dragon.

- No dragon! Must go home!
- Boo.

Uh, maybe I should show you
the way to the dragon

and then make sure you both get home.

That sound okay, Mrs. Heck?

Okay, she's gonna kiss the dragon,

then I'm gonna take her home,

and then I'm gonna
kiss her little face off

because she's so cute!

Ohh.

Okay, well, come on. Let's...

- Whoo!
- Yeah, yeah.

Do you know, she was once.

That's right, yes. Come on.

- I didn't know that!
- Oh, watch that.

Careful.

You know, there's sort of
an unwritten rule...

The passenger entertains the driver.

Sorry, I'm just trying to get
something down for my toast.

- You work on yours?
- Nah.

I just figure I'll start talking
and see what happens.

I find, if I smile enough,

people don't really listen to what I say.

And besides, it's Kenny.

How many guests can there really be?

True. I've never even seen him
talk to another human being

besides you and my mom, that one time.

Yeah, we didn't even know his last name

till we got the invite.

Maybe we'll be the only ones there.

Well, he's got to have a family, right?

I mean, Kenny had to come from somewhere.

And if we knew where that was,
it'd be great for our speech.

You think we'll have mikes?

I'll text him.

"K-bird, super-pumped for the wedding.

How many peeps?

Mikes for speeches?" Boom.

Oh, and while you're at it,
ask about bridesmaids.

See if he has any sisters.

You really want to get with a she-Kenny?

Oh.

- Uh, "Definitely gonna be a mike."
- Hmm.

"Have to be sure
all guests can hear you."

- ?!
- ?!

- Are you... Wh...
- Damn, we got nothing!

- Oh, my gosh.
- We're gonna look like idiots.

We're gonna b*mb in front of people.

- Okay.
- Uh... uh...

Sue, we should really get your mom home.

We can do the statue tomorrow.

Oh! No!

I got to kiss the dragon.

I don't think
the dragon's gonna happen. No.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no!

Sue!

Wait, Sue! Sue!

I got her!

Mrs. Heck, that's not Sue!

I'm Sue!

- Oh, hello.
- Sorry, ma'am.

- Ooh!
- Oh!

Suzy Q? What's going on?

Sean! Oh!

I'm gonna kiss the dragon.

Oh, right. It's your st birthday.

Aww, you knew?

Of course. Plus, the sash didn't hurt.

Hey, man. Thanks for stopping her.

I'm Aidan.

Oh, I know. Sean.

Uh... Oh.

I'm trying to get these guys home,

but it's like herding drunk cats.

- Ha ha! Drunk cats.
- Pfft!

You know what, I'm on my way home.

Why don't I help make sure
you get these two home safe?

Yay!

Sean's coming to the dragon!

Sue, what time were you born?

: p.m. at night. Why?

You're in luck.

Tradition says you have
hours after you turn

to kiss the dragon,

and you'll get a much better picture

if you take it tomorrow during the day.

Sean, you're so smart, Sean.

You should totally be a doctor,
like, right now.

Come on.

Hi!

Add curly fries to the list of things

- I can't eat anymore.
- Okay.

I can't believe
you made us come home early.

Early? We were there for five hours!

Some people go for three days!

And you didn't even let me
buy any souvenirs.

On what planet do they
charge you bucks for a pop?

Uh, those are s prices on Gorkon.

Brick, you don't need all that junk...

the hats and the cups

and the Silligan pool floaties.

It's not supposed to be
about the merchandise,

it's supposed to be the experience.

What are you doing?

Are you texting your mom
when I told you not to?

"Dad is being a jerk."

Did you seriously just call me a jerk?

Do you have any idea what
your grandpa would've done to me

if I called him a jerk?

Actually, I didn't call you a jerk.

I described you as being a jerk.

In this instance,

"being" is an adverbial
participle clause, so...

Enough.

Give me your phone.

My phone... that I only
ever use to talk to Mom?

Forget it. You're grounded instead.

Go to your room, and don't
come out until I say.

My room... with all my favorite
books and Axl's super-TV?

- Okay.
- Hold it.

There's got to be something around here

that means something to you.

Good luck. I care about very little.

Wait. Dad, no.

Not the microfiche!

Please! Take my phone!

I care about my phone so much!

Oh, no.

See, this is what happens

when you don't listen, Brick.

Your microfiche privileges
are revoked until...

Thank God it landed on the carpet.

Those bulbs are impossible to replace.

Okay, hang on. Just where'd the...

Thanks, Dad.
This has been the perfect day.

Okay, read me back what we got so far.

Right. Uh...

"Kenny, buddy..."

- Was that it?
- Yeah.

I thought we had more!

Man, if I was writing this about you,

it'd be a lot easier.

Oh, yeah? What would you say?

Oh, I don't know.

Probably something about,
when I was in high school,

I thought I was some big sh*t,

gonna play football wherever I want.

Next thing I know,
I'm tied up to a goalpost

next to some guy calling
himself the "a*-man."

Thought things couldn't get any worse.

Ouch.

But suddenly, there was this
cool, confident, funny guy

laughing at all my jokes,
telling me how smart I am,

and actually thinking
that I have good ideas.

You know, that's what's
so awesome about Axl.

He has this way of making you
feel good about yourself.

And, man, we can all use
some of that... Am I right?

So, everyone,
raise your glasses to Axl...

as good a friend as any guy can have.

Thanks for everything, brother.

Pretty... Pretty good.

So...

Uh, what would you say about me?

Oh, uh...

All right.

Um...

I think everyone gathered here today

in my penthouse on top of the
Empire State Building know that,

despite all my incredible
successes in business,

I wasn't always the best student.

In fact, I probably wouldn't
have graduated at all

if it weren't for Hutch.

Yeah, I worked way harder in college

than I ever thought I could
have, and it's weird,

'cause the thing I remember most

is laughing, like, the whole time.

I mean, you think I could have
lasted three years in an RV

with anybody else?

No. Mnh-mnh.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I wouldn't be standing here
before you today

if it weren't for this guy right here...

a guy I'm lucky enough
to call my best friend.

Yeah, that... that'll do. Th-That'll do.

- Sorry.
- Ow!

Okay.

Bed. Me. Now.

Are you sure you're okay, Mrs. Heck?

I am quite sure I am not.

Can I say something?

I want to say something.

I like you!

I really like you!

Think you mean this guy.

I don't think I can make it to my room.

I need to lay down.

Okay, where?

Oh.

I got it.

Here we go. Up, up, up.

I have something else to say.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, God.

When people throw up,
it makes me want to... Oh!

Oh, no.

All my layers are in the trash.

Does this mean I'm gonna be drunk now?

No, that's not how it works.

Okay, and lean back a bit. There you go.

Now, you're gonna feel good
for about minutes,

and then, after that, not so good again.

Hmm.

Is all the vomit gone?

If the vomit's gone, will you kiss meeee?

Uh, I'm Sean.

Are you talking about me
or are you talking about Aidan?

Mm-hmm.

Sue, you can be
a very frustrating person.

Hope you're worth waiting for.

And don't forget to hold for laughs
when I do the Kenny dance.

I'm just gonna say it, man...
You look pretty grown-up.

I do?

Oh, looking pretty grown-up yourself.

Really?

When did that happen?

Grown-up fist bump?

Ah, I see GIRLGAMER has joined us.

Now that everyone's here, shall we begin?

Mnh.

Hey.

You're up. How you feeling?

Well, I'm not so sure
drinking is my thing.

Yeah.

So, sorry I bailed last night.

I've kind of got this thing

where I can't be around people puking,

or I start puking.

Yeah.

Honestly, just talking about it right now

is making me kind of...

We don't have to talk about throw-up.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Yeah.

But that's what happened.

I just had to get out of here.

Nice of your neighbor guy
to stick around, though.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, it was.

- Uh, you know, Aidan...
- Uh-huh?

...I've been thinking.

Uh, I don't know if this is
exactly all... working.

I-I mean, at first,

I thought maybe we were
like this rom-com thing

where you were the perfect guy for me

because we were so alike,

but now I'm thinking maybe
we're just too much alike.

You know?

Well, I can't say
I'm completely surprised.

When you wanted to spend
your st birthday

with your mom instead of me,

I kind of saw the writing on the wall.

I'm sorry.

Well, you'll still come
see our band, right?

Of course!

So on and so forth and what have you.

Ow! Ow.

- I should just go.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

So, it's good we did this,

because now I can teach you
about the day after.

The day after is all about rebuilding,

and how do we do that?

Sugar in any form.

Chocolate, cookies, doughnuts...
straight out of the bag.

Just get them in ya.

- Mnh.
- Yeah, there you go.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

It doesn't matter what galaxy you're in,

fathers and sons will always battle,

but sometimes victory is won
with strategy and not strength.

Give me a pop...

in a special-edition collector's cup.

And one of those, uh,

Menenjula Twin tote bags.

We can always use

another blue bag, right?

Hey.

Any idea what size

that light bulb is?