09x16 - The Crying Game

[bunniefuu]

FRANKIE: You know how
you have one of those weeks,

then something
just tips you over the edge

and you know there's only one thing

that'll make you feel better?

But then you realize you ate
your last can of frosting

and luckily there's
an even better thing...

a really good cry.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[SOBBING]

BRICK: Mom?

What?

Well, I did not have a good day.

I just wanna get out in front of this...

I might be getting
a very bad grade in health.

But it's not my fault.
My teacher has it in for me.

[SIGHS] All right, tell me all about it.

Well, I thought
my reproductive-system test

would've brought up my grade,

but turns out, I miscalculated.

I thought I had two ovaries,

but apparently that's not
what mine are called.

I actually found out
about what a bolus was,

which, apparently
it's just a scientific...

Everything here seems to be in order.

Though, I was curious about
this charge here for snacks.

The guys here like their pretzels.

They're handling dynamite all day.

You gotta keep 'em happy.

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

We'll allow it.

You know, Mike, dealing with
piddly stuff like pretzels

for the employees wouldn't be a concern

for our... regional manager.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, good for him.

Good for him, or... good for you.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Did you guys stop at happy hour
on the way over here?

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- No. No.

Sorry. We're just excited

to be giving out good news for a change.

Usually all we do is take away
people's health benefits.

W-What we're trying to say,
Mike, is we'd like to offer you

the job of regional manager.

Seriously?

I thought you already
passed me over for that.

Yeah, well, that was two years ago.

And we clearly made a mistake
hiring someone from the outside.

Yeah, we had to fire that guy

for getting handsy
with the female staffers.

- He's running for Congress now.
- Yeah.

Truth is, you've been
an asset to this company,

and we should've promoted you
in the first place.

So we want to make things right

and offer you the position now.

So, what do you say, Mike?

Are you ready to work with us
in corporate?

♪

Today, we're starting our unit
on Healthy Families,

or, as I like to call it,

"Go All the Way, Be a Parent All Day."

For the next two weeks, you will
be parenting one of these.

Feeding it, changing its diaper,
everything...

hours a day,
just like you would a real baby.

And for those of you
struggling in this class,

this unit will count
for % of your grade.

- [STUDENTS GASP]
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

On your way out, be sure to grab
your little bundle of joy.

Instructions are on the class web page.

Have a name for your baby by tomorrow.

♪

♪

[SIGHS] As soon as I had the chance,

I decided to give the crying another go.

[SIGHS]

♪

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[SOBBING]

MIKE: Frankie!

[SIGHS]

Listen to this.

The corporate guys stopped by.

[GASPS] Are they trying to
take away your pretzels again?

No. It's not...

Are we gonna lose our health benefits?

No. Why are you guessing?
Let me tell you.

They offered me the regional manager job.

What? The same job you tried for before?

Yeah. It's mine if I want it.

[GASPS] Oh, my God! That's great!

Will there be more money?

Uh, maybe a little.
But that's not the point.

And you're sure you wanna
switch jobs now?

You're not that far from retirement.

Pbbr. Have you seen
my latest pension statement?

I'm not leaving that place
without a toe tag.

Okay, all I'm sayin' is,

you've been at the quarry forever,

working with those guys forever.

Leaving now would be a big change,

and you're not exactly
a big-change kind of guy.

Yeah, I know, but every day,

I take the same road, eat the same lunch.

This would be a chance
to take a different road,

eat a different lunch.

Maybe it's time to shake up my routine.

Sounds like you've made the decision.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] I guess I have.

♪

[MUFFLED BABY CRIES]

What the...

[BABY FUSSES]

Little Brick?

Oh, there it is.
I've been looking for that.

What are you doing with Little Brick?

Wait.

She gave me the baby you took care of

when you were a sophomore?

[SIGHS] No wonder it's trashed.

Hey! Watch it. You are hurting
Little Brick's feelings.

Her name is not Little Brick.
She's a girl.

I actually changed her diaper,

which is more than you ever did.

I'm calling her Little Axlina.

And unlike you,
I plan to be a good parent.

Oh. Well, I guess good parents
leave their baby in the fridge.

I didn't mean to.

I went in for a pudding cup
and must've forgot.

[DISTORTED CRY]

Thanks for wrecking my baby, Axl.

She's supposed to have
a different cry for every need,

but they all just sound like
she's possessed by the devil.

By any chance, do you know
where her other arm is?

No. But let me give you
a little parenting tip...

swing it by its leg
and hold it near the microwave.

It likes that.

Well, this is just perfect.

How am I supposed to get a good
grade with this mutant baby?

Mrs. Kozicki already
has a target on my back.

Bluck. Mrs. Kozicki. She used to hate me.

Oh, my God.

Now it all makes sense.

She had a chip on her shoulder

before I even set foot in her class.

She thinks I'm just another
horrible Heck male,

and she gave me this baby as revenge.

You're the reason she hates me.

It's because she hated you first!

You! You!

Whoa!

For a little dude, you are
crazy scary when you're pissed.

[DISTORTED CRY]

Okay, fine, Brick,
I'm gonna do you a solid.

I'm gonna go down to the school,
I'm gonna tell her

I'm sorry I was such a jerk in her class.

'Cause if she's got beef with me,

I can't let her take it out on you.

Cool?

Really? You'd do that for me?

That's what big bros do for little bros.

Plus, I don't want you getting
all up in my grille again.

Seriously, that was freaky.

♪

♪

[DOOR CLOSES] Yeah, yeah.

I got all your crying-face emojis.

Thought we were done with that, but...

I guess not.

Mike, what are you doing, man?

Why are you leaving us?

Look, it's a great opportunity
that I couldn't turn down.

Let's not make a big deal about it.

Well, don't tell anyone this,

but I cried when I got your text!

Wow. So Big Boss Man's
gonna be Big Big Boss Man.

You can't go, Mike.

I always pictured us
all ending up together

at the Old Quarry Guys Home,

playing horseshoes, grilling burgers...

you manning the spatula,
me putting on the cheese,

both of us in matching aprons.

So when's your last day?

Friday.

Friday?! But that barely gives us

any time to plan your going-away party!

No. No! We're not doing a party.

Hey, I need everyone to chip in

so that we can get Mike
one of those big cards.

Ooh, maybe one that plays music.

No. You know what you guys can do for me?

A good day's work.

Save the cards and the cupcakes
for the new guy.

Come on. Let's get busy.

All right.

Actually, Mike,

will you be the one
deciding who's replacing you?

I don't know. I imagine
they'll ask my opinion.

'Cause I'd like to throw my hat
in the ring.

I think we know who the most
qualified guy is around here.

Hey, I always answer the phone
when you're in the bathroom,

but I don't say you're in the bathroom.

- Mm.
- That's leadership.

Whoa, whoa. Slow down, my friend.

What has two thumbs and would like to be

considered as well?

This cat.

Well, who's got one thumb
and never sued you? This cat.

DAVE: Hey, since when do you guys
want to be in management, huh?

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

Hey, I got a metal plate in my head!

Guys, guys.

Let's plan a party.

[CHEERING]

Okay, so, anyway...

- WAYNE: I got to get my band to play!
- [SIGHS]

So Axl set out to help his brother

and ask his old teacher
to show Brick a little mercy.

Hi.

Mrs. Kozicki? Axl Heck.

I know who you are.

Right. Right.

Um, look, this might be a bit overdue,

but I know I didn't really return my baby

in the best condition,
so I just wanted to apologize.

The baby?

That's just the start.

Look. Your little flying butt men,

in permanent marker.

Not only is this destructive,

but it sends a very confusing message

about the human anatomy.

[CHART RETRACTS]

All right, that's my bad.

But I just wanted to say...

You ditched my class, you snored
through my safety videos,

and I can't even count
how many times I walked in here

to find Resusci-Annie and the skeleton

in compromising positions.

Wow. Okay.

Well, first of all,
you have a very good memory.

And yeah, I was kind of a tool back then,

but I'm not that guy anymore.

I have a really good job now.

Uh-huh. You say you're working,

and yet it's the middle
of the day and here you are.

Obviously you're putting the same effort

into your job as you did my class.

Okay. Maybe I didn't come
to your class 'cause it sucked.

Yeah. I screwed around a lot. I admit it.

But anybody can teach the dorks
who want to learn.

Isn't trying to reach guys like me

the whole reason you took this job?

And here I am, all these years later,

trying to say sorry, and you're
still treating me like crap.

Well, maybe you should've been
a better teacher!

How about that?! Nobody likes you, Jody!

Oh, why did I come here again?

Oh! Also...

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Don't fail my brother.

[SIGHS]

♪

Well, I tried.

You're toast, buddy. Sorry.

What?! It didn't work?

No. She wouldn't even accept my apology.

I mean, who does that?

And why didn't you tell me
my Buttronauts were still up?

I think that's why I got
the ovaries wrong.

She doesn't pull that chart down anymore.

Mm.

[DISTORTED CRY]

Someone's corroded baby was on the porch.

That would be mine.

Thanks to Axl and his systematic
t*rture of Mrs. Kozicki,

I'm stuck with this cruddy baby.

Mrs. K?! Oh, I love her!

She was one of my favorite teachers.

Really?! Do you think
you could talk to her?

Remind her that I'm your brother,
too, and not just Axl's.

Maybe that special bond
could be transferred to me.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I am not gonna have her memories of me

sullied because of you guys.

Help me, Sue. You're my only hope.

Remember when I was little and cute?

Think of that Brick.

[SIGHS] You were cute.

Fine.

♪

[GASPS] Oh! Mrs. K!

Ahh! Ooh, it's so great to see you!

I have missed you!

Okay, I have been meaning to visit,

but I have been so busy with college

and applying for internships
and my no-cut a cappella.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

Sue. Sue Heck.

Axl and Brick's sister?

Yes, but also Sue Heck... your student.

Does not ring a bell.

Pbht. What?

But we were really close. Remember?

I made you that pencil cup holder

that said "Have a Healthful Day"?

[CHUCKLES] You were in
my high-school collage

of my favorite high-school memories.

Oh. Look, I've had a lot
of students over the years.

I can't remember every one.

Well, you should.
Because they remember you.

You know, teachers are so important

to students during their formative years.

Yeah, I guess you didn't
really distinguish yourself.

Didn't distinguish myself?!

I pulled your dog out of your
boiling car in the parking lot.

I gave him mouth to mouth.
I saved his life.

Well, I thought that was
Anna Hajarajanaan.

[GASPS]

I cannot believe
how hurtful you're being.

You know, kids look up to teachers.

You are supposed
to help mold students' lives,

but you're not doing anything.

Well, if I had any interest
in becoming a teacher,

I would come in here
and just take your job!

You're a disgrace to that apple
that's not on your desk!

I am gonna go home right now
and cr*ck open that Lucite

and take you out of my collage!

Oh, and please don't fail my brother.

Hey, pretzels!

All right. That's great.

Thanks, guys.

Okay, thanks for everything.

Listen, Boss Man, before you go,
I wanna give you something.

All right.

Um, The Chuck always wears
this shark-tooth necklace

to remind him
to always keep moving forward. And...

- I know you got to keep moving, too...
- Mm-hmm.

...so I want you to do so
with a piece of The Chuck

by your heart.

Uh, well... you always clocked in on time

and I appreciate that.

Hey, Mike!

I wanna tell you something
that nobody else knows!

When I got out of prison,

you hired me when nobody else would!

You gave me that second chance
that every ex-con needs!

You changed my life!

Well, Wayne, nobody comes back

from an injury like you. Heh.

Hey, Mike.

Thanks for recommending me for the job.

You're leaving me
with some tough shoes to fill.

Ah. I mean, I am gonna
make a few changes...

like bringing back office birthdays.

I know how you never liked them.

But nobody's ever taught me
better how to be a manager...

and a friend.

Well, you... you... you always
hung up your coat neatly.

It did not go unnoticed.

Take me with you. I know you can't.

But a part of me dies
when you walk out that door.

[VOICE BREAKING] I always
thought that maybe one day

you and I would have lunch
together at your desk,

but now I know that's never gonna happen.

I promise to never take you off
the group text.

Uh...

[SNIFFLES]

♪

- Mike?
- Mike? - Mike?

Aren't you gonna give a speech?

Yeah, you can't just go
and not say goodbye.

[SIGHS] Look.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Guys, I'm just leaving a job.

I'm not leaving you. You guys are great.

It's just sometimes if you're
doing something for a long time,

you're sometimes ready
to try something else.

I mean...

If I was really to stop and think about

what leaving this place means
[CLEARS THROAT]

Phew.

♪

[ALL SOBBING]

We're gonna miss you, man.

♪

Wow, Mrs. Kozicki really changed.

Oh, I also gotta take
Mr. Robinson off here.

He's only in it 'cause he saw me
when I was making it

and asked if he was gonna be in it.

Told you, Sue.
She's mean. She hates kids.

She only went into teaching
for the money.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry
I couldn't help you, Brick.

Maybe you can do some extra credit.

It's just incomprehensible
that I'm gonna get the bad grade

when I've been doing everything right.

- [DISTORTED CRY]
- I found your baby in the dryer.

Uh, her diaper was wet?

You're supposed to watch
your baby at all times.

Like you watched me in the hospital

when another family took me home?

I wasn't being graded. You are.

Watch your kid.

You know, it's just not fair.

Sometimes as a kid, you are just
at the mercy of the school system.

Like when you get a "C" on a paper

because a teacher was too tired
when she read it.

Or you don't make treasurer
because your adviser

doesn't turn in the
recommendation form on time!

I mean, that didn't happen to me...

I didn't get the votes... but it could.

Exactly!

How am I supposed to get a good grade

with a baby that shorts out
under florescent lights?

She's trying to sabotage me.

I mean, we're all just trying
to do our best, right?

Yeah, but you can't do that
if some crabby old bat

on a power trip wants to screw you over.

Oh, my God. Stop the whining.

News flash... life's not fair.

Sometimes you get a bad teacher,
sometimes you get a bad boss.

There's always gonna
be mean people in your life.

That's just the way it is.

So you just gotta suck it up
and deal with it.

That's how the world works.

Yeah, but it's not my fault
I got this crappy baby.

Trust me, sometimes you don't
get the baby you want.

You gotta love it anyway.

Which one of us do you think
she was talking about?

All of you!

♪

So, this last week has been challenging.

Did I take excellent care of this baby?

I would say no.

I've kept her dry and read
to her on numerous occasions,

but she likes her alone time.

Still, I'm sure I've learned
the appropriate lesson

for this unit...

if you go all the way,
you'll be a parent all day.

I'm just hoping next week will be better.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Brick. Could I speak to you for a minute?

Look, if you have a problem
with me or my class,

you should come talk to me

instead of sending in your siblings.

Look, I didn't want to complain
and say things aren't fair,

but it kinda seems you don't
like my brother and sister,

so you're taking it out on me.

What? No.

This isn't about anything Axl or...

I'm sorry. I'm drawing a blank.

- Sue.
- Right.

It's not about anything they did.

Look, if I seem annoyed by you
it's because of that thing

you did at the beginning of the year.

What thing?

I saw you lick my car.

The brown Chevy?

The white Tercel?

I lick a lot of cars.

You do?

I thought it was an act
of aggression toward me.

What?! Oh, no.

It's just a quirk. I'm working on it.

Huh.

Well, that's different.

I-I guess I shouldn't have
taken it so personally.

Actually, hold on, Brick. I...

I know that you're at a slight
disadvantage with that baby.

There might be a better one in the box

if you wanna swap it out.

No, that's okay.

Somebody's gotta love the weird ones.

♪

[SIGHS]

♪

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

♪

♪

[SOBBING]

[SIGHS]

You okay there?

I'm trying to make myself cry,

so I'm listening to the theme
from "Ice Castles."

And it's not working!

If you wanna cry, can't you just
think about your life?

I've tried. It's frustrating.

I've needed a good cry all week,

and I keep getting cry-blocked.

Well, what were you so upset about?

[COFFEE POURING]

I don't even know now.

If you can't remember
what was upsetting you,

what's the problem?

[SIGHS] Never mind, Mike.
You're not gonna get it.

You're not a crier.

Why? What'd you hear?

[SIGHS]

Why do we bother trying to talk?

It never goes well.

Anyway, look at you.

First day as a big sh*t corporate guy.

Oh, here. Can you hold this?

Yeah, I'm not doing that.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Got something. Ha.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

- [BEEP]
- Hello?

GEORGE: Mike. It's George Chung
from corporate.

Hey, George. I was just about to leave.

You said : , right?

Yeah, I'm glad I caught you
before you left.

With everything happening
so fast, we forgot to tell you,

you won't be working out
of the corporate office.

What do you mean?

We don't have any space for you here.

We leased out half the building
to Paint Me Glaze Me.

- Well, then...
- No worries. We got you covered.

We dropped another trailer
for you down at the quarry,

right next to your old one.

You don't really need
to be here in the office

'cause we can do everything
remotely now anyway.

- But...
- So go get yourself situated

in your new trailer.

We have a Skype meeting at : .

Great to have you on board, Mike.

- [CALL DISCONNECTS]
- [SIGHS]

- [BEEP]
- I have to quit.

Why?

I can't go back to the quarry.

I said my goodbyes. There was group hug.

[SIGHS]

♪

♪

DAVE: Mike?

What are you doing here, Mike?!
Mike's here!

Uh, hey, guys.

It turns out corporate
wants me working here on site.

What?! Well, why did we give you a party

if you were just gonna stay here?!

Yeah, we spent a lot of money on that.

My mom was up for a week straight

knitting you that blanket.

Yeah, if you're not gonna be
moving forward like a shark,

I'm gonna need my necklace back.

[GASPS]

Why aren't you wearing it?

Oh, I took a shower.

Man, some guys'll do anything
to get attention.

Now I regret that group hug!

Don't listen to them, Mike.
I'm glad you're back.

Now we can have those lunches
together at your desk.

See you at noon.

♪

[SIGHS]

Sometimes we need a change,

even if it's the smallest of changes.

And I, for one, am happy Mike's
back at the quarry,

because he's been there for years

[VOICE BREAKING] and those guys
are like brothers to him.

Oh, great. Now I'm crying.

Anyway, you know the rest.