09x21 - The Royal Flush

[bunniefuu]

[SIGHS]

Hey.

Hey.

How do I get off of this thing?

Oh, I told you we should've

broken with those people years ago.

So, listen, uh, thanks for
grabbing lunch with me.

There's kind of something
I wanted to talk to you about.

Help yourself.

So, I'm on my way to
an appointment this morning.

And I get this call from Denver.

Denver? Who do you know in Denver?

Well, it's this guy, Will Harris.

We overlapped for a few weeks
at Jackson Plumbing,

and how he's over at Hinterland Sports.

You ever heard of 'em?
Camping gear we can't afford?

Right, so it's kind of crazy,

but he says there's an opening
in his department

and he wants to know if
I want to interview for it.

Guess he thought I had sales chops.

Wow, that's flattering.

Is that something you might
actually want to do?

I don't know.

Seems kind of cool
and it's a national company,

so you can move up and stuff.
But I don't know.

They just want me to come out,
talk to 'em, and check it out.

Well, maybe you should.

Yeah, yeah, I mean,
I've got a day off owed to me,

so I was thinking I could
drive out, interview,

and come back the next day.

So, uh, what should I do?

You think it's a good idea?

I do think it's a good idea.

I'll tell you what's a bad idea,
though...

- Hm?
- ...telling your mother.

- Why?
- You know how your mom is.

If she thinks there's even
a chance of you moving away,

she'll get all worried
and freak herself out.

So what do I tell her?

It's a quick trip.

You're in and out so much

she probably won't even notice
you're gone.

If she does, I'll cover for ya.

What's with the basket?

I'm putting it together
for Grandma for Mother's Day.

Check it out. I've got
all her favorite stuff...

Jordan Almonds,
a pre-highlighted "TV Guide,"

and a pair of tweezers
'cause she kept asking me

if I took her good tweezers
when she was here.

And I yelled at her

and then I realized
I actually had by mistakes.

Oh, by the way, I'm really only
asking for planning purposes,

are we doing anything Sunday
for Mother's Day?

This Sunday?!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I am the worst daughter ever!

Gotcha.

Bah-bam!

Like, I'm ever gonna forget Mother's Day!

[TYPING]

_

- _
- _

_

[TYPING]

_

_

_

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

- Ahh!
- Oh!

What are you doing?

Look, sometimes when a woman
reaches a certain age,

she gets hot in the middle of the night

and she needs to get up
and go put ice cream sandwiches

under her boobs.

What are you doing up
at : in the morning?

Getting a snack that will
never, ever again

be ice cream sandwiches.

Why do you have your briefcase?

Oh, I'm going to work.

Oh. What do you need
a duffel bag for at work?

Did I say work? [CHUCKLES]

I meant work out.

Yeah, now's the best time to go

'cause I can get on any equipment I want.

Hmm.

So, anyway, I'm gonna be in and out,

probably more out than in,

so I'll see you when I see you.

♪

Brick! Are you not getting my texts?

We have to figure out Mother's Day.

Oh, if it were ,

we could take her to
Collier's Family Restaurant,

but it closed in due to
a fire and never re-opened.

That's great!

But we got to find someplace
to take Mom in this century.

Ahh, ...

that was Box Number Nine.

I worked my way through

all nine boxes of microfiche
I got from the library.

And it's over.

Really, Brick?

You read all that microfiche?

Yep. Nine years worth of stories... done.

I should've appreciated it more.

I guess I could go back
and look through 'em again.

But, it's not the same

knowing there aren't any new ones coming.

Okay, get up.

Get up. Get up!

Stop living in the past.

You have spent the last year
hunched over that thing,

missing out on life.

There is a whole world out there, Brick.

It's called Orson, Indiana.

Hey, you grieve for
the microfiche in your way,

and I'll grieve in mine.

Ugh, whatever.

Just think of a Mom gift.

I'm getting an ice cream sandwich.

I hope they're not mushy like last time.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

I don't understand this.

Phones are for emergencies
and ordering pizza.

That's it.

Look, we're lucky we have a daughter

who wants to share with us.

Not like Axl.

He was acting really weird
the other night.

And where's he been lately?
It's like he's never around.

Oh, I saw him.

He was in. And then out again.

And the in again.

Oh, he's in now?

Um, y-yeah, I think so.

Oh, 'cause I need to tell him that...

What are you doing?

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

_

You know what, I was wrong.

He is out, actually.

He's working out.

Again?

He was working out at
the cr*ck of dawn the other day.

Hey, what's wrong with buffing up?

Nothing wrong with going to the gym.

You could certainly go to Curves more.

Uh, well, if we're doling out
personal advice,

you could answer your daughter's text.

[TYPING]

_

Get me off this thing.

Brick, what are you doing?

You were supposed to be making
a list of potential Mom gifts.

You said I was spending too much
time with the microfiche,

and you were right.

I thought I could never love again.

But I've discovered something
so much better.

Have you heard of this "Val-U Pack"?

It's loaded with literally

hundreds of dollars worth of savings,

and it comes in this handy carrying case.

Look at all these typefaces...

italic, bold, serif, sans serif...

it's a veritable font of fonts!

And so much creative wordplay.

Check out this gutsy spelling
of "Through"... T-H-R-U!

It's almost naughty.

Yeah, I've heard of 'em, Brick.
Everyone has.

They come every week.

What?!

How could we be passing up
all these great deals?

"Free brake inspection at Tire Time,"

"$ off Captain Suds power wash,"

oh, and check this out, walk-in tubs.

All these years,

we've been climbing into
our tubs like idiots!

This is not what I meant

when I said you should start living life.

"Half off your next pair
of contact lenses."

I hope I have bad eyesight
'cause if they botch my...

laser surgery...
this lawyer will hunt them down!

Brick, get a grip!

We are not gonna find a gift for
Mom in this stupid Val-U Pack!

No, I had those in font groups!

Wait, look at this.

"King's Head Bar and Grill."

Yeah, not a fan of Canterbury Bold.

No, under " % off fish and chips."

"Trivia Contest Grand Prize...

a trip for two to London
for the royal wedding."

This is it.

We got to win this for Mom, Brick.

It's everything she loves...

weddings, the royal family,
a trip to actual London?

This would make up for a lot of
inflatable foot baths.

True, but this is us we're talking about.

Winning something?
You think we even have a sh*t?

I always think I have a sh*t.

I'm usually wrong,
but let's do it anyway.

I cannot believe you have a fake ID.

Font Club is very underfunded.

That's how we used to raise money...

our treasurer has low scruples
and a gift.

Well, he did, until he got expelled.

Yeah, but come on, Brick,
you don't exactly look .

Look at me from here to here.

I see it now.

I voted in the last election.

Welcome to King's Head.

We got a special tonight
on $ whiskey sh*ts.

Oh, no, no, no. My ID is fake.

Two ginger ales and we'll try
the % off fish and chips.

I think you're gonna want to
roll out the red carpet

when you see that we have
a coupon from the Val-U Pack.

[CELLPHONES CHIME]

_

[TYPING]

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_

♪

You don't need to find Axl.

Just let me do it. I'm the man.

Just let me bring home
the plumbing supplies.

Don't go bugging him in Denver.

Denver?

What? I didn't say Denver.

Get your hearing checked, lady. Heh.

When I said Denver,
I meant Denver omelet.

What?

Yeah, he likes those now.
He likes Denver omelets.

Okay, why are you telling me this?

Boy, you say you like conversation.

But when I go to start one,
I get sh*t down.

Why are we talking about Denver omelets?

I don't know. I just...
I just think it's interesting.

Why is it called that?

It's got ham and peppers...

nothing about that screams Denver to me.

Needs to be called a Western omelet.

How'd Denver end up with it?

I mean, I know it's out west,
but it's not that far out west.

Why isn't it called the Reno
omelet or the Phoenix omelet?

I know a lot of places
have food named after 'em...

Buffalo wings, Texas toast,
Boston baked beans.

Those make sense, but Denver omelet?

I don't get it.

- [BUZZER]
- The Seattle Space Needle.

Correct! Another points for Heck Yeah.

Mmm, Brick, you are k*lling it!

See? You made fun of me,

but spending a year in front of
the microfiche really paid off.

- Yep.
- And to think I might've wasted it

- forging social bonds with my peers.
- Yeah.

Okay, right now, we have a three-way tie

between Figgy Puddings,
Colts Rule, and Heck Yeah!

All right, this is it... final question.

"What Marx Brothers movie

is also a slang term for 'nonsense'?"

- [BUZZER]
- Why'd you do that?!

'Cause you always know the answer

and you're slow on the buzzer.

Well, I might not know this one.

Um, Malarkey?

Claptrap? Poppycock?

seconds...

"Horse Feathers"?

Correct!

Heck Yeah wins!

Oh, my God, Mom's going to England!

- We did it! We won!
- She's gonna see the Queen!

- Ahh!
- Is this what sports people feel like?!

Yeah! Ahh!

Congratulations.
You guys really know your stuff.

Oh, thank you, thank you!

It is all because of my brother who...

I'm sorry, what is this?

Uh, your prize.

A, uh, $ bar tab courtesy of
King's Head Bar and Grill.

No, no, no, we won the big prize.

We're going to England.

Oh, no. Tonight's just the semifinal.

All the bars in town
have their own trivia contest.

And those winners will compete
in the finals tomorrow night.

If you win that, then you go to England.

♪

I'm gonna need something
stronger than this.

Hit me with a Shirley Temple!

[TYPING]

_

- _
- Ugh!

I am too excited to sleep.

And a little bit nervous.

I've never made it to
a second round before.

Don't worry.
I think we've got a good sh*t.

Oh, can you imagine Mom's face

when we give her
an actual trip to London?

I know.

Home of Charles Dickens,
Sherlock Holmes...

oh, and I can't wait to hear
one of their ambulances.

Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo!

What did you just say?

Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee...

Nope. The part about you going to London.

Oh, well, it's a trip for two
and Dad won't want to go.

He says we b*at 'em in

and he doesn't want
anything to do with 'em.

Brick, this trip is about
weddings and romance.

Clearly Mom is gonna want to
take her one and only daughter.

Besides, you're busy now
with your Val-U Pack.

You know another one's gonna come

and you won't be here to get it.

Well, it's Mother's Day,

and our mother can decide to
bring whoever she wants.

And if a coupon for
% off a deck sanding

happens to find its way
into her purse, so be it.

♪

Frankie, I'm so glad I caught you.

Could you bring in our mail on Monday?

Ron's taking us all to Gatlinburg

for Mother's Day weekend.

We're staying at that hotel with
the giant walk-in totem pole.

It's nice to mix in some culture.

Hey, bring me back some taffy

and I won't r*fle through
your drawers while you're gone.

Oh, you!

- So, how's everything with you guys?
- Oh, we're good.

Haven't seen much of Axl
'cause he's always in and out.

And Mike's up to something

'cause he's obviously lying
to me, but he's so bad at it.

I think he's planning something
for Mother's Day.

Oh, that's great!

No, it's not.

He's the worst gift giver of all time.

It's gonna be horrible.
It's always horrible.

Aww. Poor Mike.

[SIGHS]

You know what, you're right. He does try.

I feel bad 'cause I'm not good
at hiding my disappointment.

But, you know, it's hard to
pretend to be excited

when you open the box
and it's yellow pants.

I'm not Meryl Streep.

[CHUCKLES] I hear you.

Sometimes, you wish you could
just see the gift first

so you can practice your reaction.

Yeah.

Hold on. You might be onto something.

If I knew what my sucky gift was
ahead of time,

I could pre-disappoint myself
and fake being grateful.

Let me try it.

Oh, look!

Third notice on the gas bill. I love it!

Frankie, you're so funny.

Seriously, you need to pay that.

FRANKIE: Even against fiercer
competition in the finals,

with knowledge and a pretty
good Shirley Temple buzz,

Brick was on fire.

- [BUZZER]
- The Yalta Conference.

"Afternoon Delight."

Moms Mabley.

The Green Bay Packers.

"Ring around the collar."

Correct! point for Heck Yeah!

Okay, we're down to our final round.

So, let's check the score.

In, uh, third place,
with points, London Calling.

- Whoo!
- In second with ,

Trivia De Havilland.

And on top with points, Heck Yeah.

Questions are now worth points.

So it's anybody's game.

Ooh, I really have to go to the bathroom.

- Now?!
- Well, you know we can't

use the kid bathroom

and Mom was in hers when we left.

I have been holding it in for two hours.

But you can't leave now!

Well, that ship has sailed, Brick.

And it is coming into port.

You've been answering everything anyway.

I'll be back as quick as I can.

All right, next question.

"What show won the Tony Award
for Best Musical in

and how many total Tonys did it win?"

- [BUZZER]
- "The Wiz"!

And it won Tonys.

Correct!

Trivia De Havilland is in the lead!

Okay, we are down to the final question.

So for all the marbles
and the trip to London...

"In the Taylor Swift song
'Stay Beautiful, '

whose eyes are 'like a jungle'?

♪

_

_

"In the Taylor Swift song
'Stay Beautiful'...

_

_

..."whose eyes are 'like a jungle'"?

[BUZZER]

Zac Efron?

Sorry, incorrect

Anybody else?

seconds...

[BUZZER]

The answer to that question
about Taylor Swift...

the singer...

would be...

Sue! Whose "eyes are like a jungle"?!

Cory! Cory's eyes are like a jungle!

That is correct! Heck Yeah wins!

Yeah!

Oh, my God! I'm going to London!

Mom is going to London
and she's taking me!

Except she's not 'cause she's taking me!

Yeah!

Hi, uh, sorry,

but, uh, there seems to be a problem.

One of our judges saw you
using your phone.

And as we stated
at the beginning of the night,

it's against the rules to
look up answers on your phone.

Oh, but we weren't looking up answers.

We were just texting.
Yeah, I can explain.

See, the kid bathroom doesn't work

and my brother went ahead
and flushed so...

Sorry. We have a no-phones-out policy.

So I'm afraid you're disqualified.

That means our winners are
Trivia De Havilland!

Yes!

Okay, so what are we gonna get Mom?

So, in order to
spare my family's feelings,

I had to find the crap gift

they were planning on giving me
for Mother's Day.

Unfortunately, they may not
have been good at buying gifts,

but they were sure good at hiding 'em.

_

[TYPING]

_

_

- Ahh!
- [GASPS]

What are you doing down there?

Oh, well, I woke up 'cause I was hot.

And I was gonna put
a Nutty Buddy under my boobs.

And then I remembered
it's cooler in your closet

because of the vent.

Why are you up and dressed?

Uh...

Are you going to the gym again?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

♪

ALL: Happy Mother's Day!

Oh! Is that today? Yay!

Hey, listen, I know we haven't
always delivered

in the Mother's Day department.

But this year, we had an amazing idea.

We entered a trivia contest
where the grand prize was

a trip to London
for Prince Harry's wedding.

Oh, my God, I'm going to
the royal wedding?!

Sadly, that did not pan out.

Oh.

SUE: So then we thought,
"Wouldn't it be great

if Mom woke up on Mother's Day
and the toilet was all fixed?"

Well, it's not London,
but that is really sweet.

Sadly, that did not pan out, either.

But we finally came up with something.

Where have you been hiding this?

No, seriously.
Where have you been hiding it?

Well, I am sure that whatever it is,

I am going to love...

Okay, seriously, nothing?

You're giving me nothing?

Are you kidding me?

This is an all-time low.

I can't even pretend
that this is a decent gift.

I'm sorry. I don't know
how Meryl Streep does it.

And if you tell me,
"Oh, this is a box full of love"

or "It's to put my wishes in,"

I am going to tell you to shove it.

Hang on. There is a gift.

It's just not one
that we can give you right now.

But in a week...

I'm gonna bring my big TV
out to the family room...

And we're all gonna watch
the royal wedding with you.

Really?

You guys are seriously gonna
get up at the cr*ck of dawn

and watch it with me?!

Not just that.
We're not gonna make fun of it.

- Or you.
- Or the hats.

- Or talk during it.
- Or read during it.

Or call it "lame" or "snore"

or pretend to gouge our eyes out... Axl.

And we're all gonna stay awake
through all of it.

Even the waving on the balcony part?

Yep. And I'm even gonna study up
so I know who everybody is.

Sue's making me royal flash cards.

Oh, you guys.

Oh, this is the best gift ever!

And I am not even pretending or anything.

I mean, your dad was acting so weird

that I thought it was gonna be
something horrible.

But I-I love it.

I really love it.

Ooh, your boobs are freezing.

And for once, they actually delivered.

It was the best Mother's Day yet.

Oh, my God, her dress is gorgeous.

Isn't her dress gorgeous? Stunning.

You know, she had a little more
leeway with her dress

'cause Harry's only
fifth in line to the throne.

- Really?
- Fascinating.

Hey, I've been there!

- [GASPS]
- You were at Windsor Castle?!

No, no, no, no, no, no.
The bar across the street.

I puked right where
that guard is standing.

Can I just say this is great?

I get to watch the thing I want to watch

and I get to do it with my whole family.

You know, these heat-n-serve
scones are actually pretty good.

I'm gonna microwave up some more.

Anybody want another? Sure.

Okay, this guy getting out of the car is

the, uh, Earl of Wessex.

Yeah, he's the youngest son of the Queen.

And a keen sports fan.

Oh, well done.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, I think I've earned myself
a celebratory ale

from Yon Frugal Hoosier.

It's okay 'cause it's afternoon there.

What's up?

I got it.

What?

They offered me the Denver job.

It's mine if I want it.

What job?

Uh...

♪