05x01 - Young & Punch Card

[bunniefuu]

Knock, knock.

Hey, brought ya breakfast in bed.

- Oh, thank you.
- [door closes]

You know I didn't get much sleep
last night, so I'm feeling a little...

punchy.

Interesting, I'm feeling
a little punchy myself.

Are ya?

Yeah, I are.

So, uh, what would one do
if they're feelin' punchy?

Well, I would imagine if
he or she had a punch card,

one might use it. Shwah!

"Shwah," indeed.

To be honest, I didn't want breakfast.

Oh, to be honest, I didn't make any.

[theme music playing]

♪ She's in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turned my head ♪

♪ She'd run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby,
ooh, baby, baby ♪

- ♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

[door opens]

Did Josh come down yet?

I hate being late.
Gives me panic sweats.

How's that different
from your on-time sweats?

What are you doing? Those
are Josh's underpants!

I know.

Give me those, fool.

And where the hell is the coffee?

You b*tches don't do
anything around here.

That's not true. Gabi's
doing Josh right now.

Ugh, that stupid punch card.

It's so gross that Gabi has that
disgusting sexual arrangement with Josh.

You're just jealous.

No! It's not like...

everything I've ever wanted.

How many punches do they have anyway?

- Ten.
- [crash]

Make that nine.

That was great!

So great.

I mean, this punch
card thing is the best.

Yeah, it's amazing.

We're having sex without feelings.

I mean, I had feelings
in my parts, but...

not in my hearts.

I gotta be honest with you, Gabi.

I did not think you could handle
an all sex non-emotional liaison.

That's funny, because I thought
the same thing about you.

Without the big word at the end.

Ooh.

We almost forgot somethin'.

Oh, no, no. I don't do that.

N... no. Gabi, I'm talking about this.

I don't know what that is,
but I don't do that either.

Gabi, it's a hole-puncher
for our punch cards.

Aw. It's our first punch out of ten.

Man, I can't believe
we already used one up.

Yeah.

We only got nine left.

Yeah. I've got five and you've got four.

Why do I have to use the first punch?

You know what? I'm cool with it.

Age before beauty.

Well, and to be fair, I
will use the next punch.

How's now?

Maybe this time, beauty can come first.

Oh, my God! Stop!

No, I can't. I'm starving.

I'm having lots of sex now.

No, no. I, uh... I need your leftovers
to bring into work for Kendrick.

Ugh! Oh, my God, are
you still after him?

Yes. And your food is the reason
we have lunch together every day.

He loves your cooking.

Which he actually thinks is my cooking,

so in a way, he loves me.

Mm, yeah. You know, ah, what
else he loves? His girlfriend.

Yeah, now.

But I have a plan to
be his new girlfriend.

Okay, look, it all
centers around our lunches.

First, I establish
myself as a confidant.

Then, I subliminally
undermine his relationship.

And then finally,

when my abuelita's hex starts working...

his relationship will
burn to the ground.

And I will be there to rise
like a phoenix from the ashes.

As his new girlfriend.

Wow, not having sex for a long
time makes you a little crazy.

Yeah, well, having sex for a
day makes you a little judgy.

[scoffs] All I'm saying is
what Josh and I have is working.

Okay? We're getting along great.

We're having sex without all
the neediness and the drama.

And the caring and the
trust and the intimacy.

Yeah, exactly. All that crap that
made us a really horrible couple.

Gabi, I know you better than anyone,

and you can not handle a
purely sexual relationship.

It's just a matter of time
before things get weird.

It's not gonna get weird,
okay? Get with the times, Sofia.

Boyfriends are out, punch cards are in.

That is the stupidest
thing I have ever heard.

Now cook me something
that I can pretend is mine

so Kendrick falls in love with me.

What are you doin'?

All the scratching in the world
won't get rid of that second chin.

I'm on WebMD trying to figure
out what's wrong with my face.

Oh, well, maybe you
just allergic to ugly.

It says the itch could be anything.

From using a new shaving cream to...

Wait, what's this?

Oh, that's the new
detergent I'm using. Tude.

"The burning is how
you know it's working."

What the hell kind of detergent is this?

Cheap.

I got it in the discount aisle.

Wait. Did you wash
Josh's underwear in that?

Yep. I followed the instructions.

I added a scoop to the water...

waited till the smoke cleared...

and then I added the laundry.

I wiped my face with his
boxers. That's why I have a rash.

What the hell are you doing
shopping in the discount aisle?

Josh is loaded.

What's your angle?

No angle.

Every month, Josh gives
me a cleaning budget.

Which I manage properly.

So you buy cheap products
and then pocket the rest?

Damn it!

[chuckles]

Don't worry. I won't tell him.

If you cut me in for half.

Damn it!

I can't believe I'm being blackmailed
by somebody who's not black!

And barely a male.

Okay, you're in.

Yay!

Now I can buy that Japanese
toilet I've had my eye on.

I've heard it has three bidet settings:

gentle, strong, and Fire Island.

Uh... hey, guys...

anyone else feel a little itchy?

- Oh, no.
- No.

Why would we feel itchy? I
buy top-of-the-line detergent.

I'm gonna go call my concierge
doctor and see what he thinks it is.

Great idea, boss!

What if the doctor tells him his
itch is from a cheap detergent?

Crap! If we're gonna
keep this scam goin',

we've got to rewash
all of Josh's things.

Quick! Go upstairs and
get all of his underwear!

Best day ever!

Mm-hm. And the itching just
presented itself this afternoon?

Yep.

A lot of it.

On...

[whispers] my junk.

Well, it could be many things.

Dermatitis, an allergy...

Do you have any new sexual partners?

[laughs]

Actually, doc, um...

I have a little thing going on with a...

Wait. Why?

Before we jump to any conclusions,

why don't you take a few pictures of
the affected area and email them to me.

Hopefully they won't
end up in my junk box.

[laughs]

(Sofia) Hey, do you remember how
stupid you thought my stupid plan was?

Talk louder, Sofia. You're
over by the grilled cheese.

Well, my stupid plan worked. Okay?

Because Kendrick got into a
huge fight with his girlfriend,

so I invited him over for dinner
to be his shoulder to cry on.

And he said yes. So, uh, if I'm lucky,

maybe he'll cry on other
parts of my body, too.

Ha! The power of my cooking.

Now she's the leftovers.

So, ah, what famous
specialty of yours am I making

for you and your maybe
future boyfriend tonight?

Well, he says he likes
a good baba ghanoush.

Can you make a baba ghanoush?

Oh, I can make a baba
do anything. Ask Josh.

Um, I'm guessing you said, "Ask Josh"
because you want to tell me how great

your sex punch card thing's going?

Oh, well, since you asked, amazing.

You were so wrong. It's not weird at
all, and it's never gonna get weird.

Okay, it just got weird.

So, he was just...

rocking out with his... out?

Yeah!

I mean, he was taking
pictures from every angle.

I mean, from the front
and then from the back.

And then through the legs and then
over the shoulder. And then... And then

he set it on his desk and he separated
things to show a panorama style.

Ew!

- He took a peni-Rama?
- Yeah!

Why would he do that?

Well, why do you think, Gabi?

- To text it to you.
- Pfft, Josh? No!

Yes. What do you expect, flowers?

No, we're not dating.

Exactly. So instead of getting
peonies, you're getting peo-nis.

Oh, my God.

What am I supposed to do
when he sends them to me?

I mean, h... how am
I supposed to respond?

- I miss landlines.
- Okay. Kendrick...

Kendrick's on his way, so can
you just chop while you freak out?

Yeah, but how..,. how am I supposed to
feel? I mean, am I... am I turned on?

Am I... am I turned off? I mean,
is it... is it sick? Is it sexy?

Gabi, if you have to
ask, it's not for you.

Look, Gabi, you used to have
feelings for him so you can't just

suddenly start having sex
with him and not have feelings.

I mean, maybe Josh can. Guys can
have sex and be totally cool with it.

But you can't!

- You don't have it in you, Gabi.
- Oh, yeah?

I do, I've got it in me! I can send
penis pictures as good as the next guy.

Oh, my God, Gabi. You have to stop...

- Okay.
- [camera clicks]

- And send to Josh. See?
- [whoosh]

Totally cool with it. Hm.

What happened to your bra?

I left it at work.

Well, I got rid of the Tude.

It's about time. What did you
do with the cheap detergent?

Okay, listen. I was thinking about it,

and if Josh mentions his itch again,

- the key is to stay cool.
- Right.

- Deny, deny, deny. Let's practice.
- Okay.

- You sit down. I'll be Josh.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

- Oh, hey, Yolanda.
- I stole your money!

What the hell was that? What
happened to black don't cr*ck?

I panicked.

And I don't think it means that.

Hey, guys.

I talked to my doctor.

Be cool, Yolanda. Take off that
butter face, put on your poker face.

He told me what the itch could be from.

Could be an allergy,
could be dermatitis,

and there is a slight possibility

but practically impossible
chance that it's an STD.

- I pick STD.
- Yep, that's the one.

But the only person I'm
having sex with is Gabi.

Exactly. She's the only employee
in this house involved in your itch.

Hold up, wait a second, Elliot.

Josh, Gabi didn't give you an STD.

Yes, she did.

No punch card, no STD.

Punch card, STD. Do the math, man.

It's not from Gabi, 'cause she's
not sleeping with anybody else.

And she's not like that.
She's sweet and innocent.

- She's not some girl gone wild.
- [phone chimes]

Oh, my God. She's a girl gone wild.

[gasps] Ew, boobies!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Josh,
Josh. This has gone far enough.

Now, you need to know that all
of this is because of the Tude.

Oh, you got that right.

She has a serious 'tude and she's
gonna hear about it right now.

[door slams]

All this trouble because of
one little box, ha, ha, ha...

and the detergent.

[Sofia sighs]

[sighs]

It just doesn't make any sense.

You're right. Kendrick and I should
sit on opposite sides of the table

- so that we can...
- I'm talking about Josh.

Why hasn't he responded to my boobs pic?
I mean, you saw them, they look amazing.

Gabi, Kendrick's gonna
be here in minutes.

And, uh, where is my penis picture?

I mean, you told me that Josh
was gonna text me his penis pic.

[gasps] Why hasn't he sent me his penis
pic? Why can't I stop saying penis?

Sofia, wait, wait...

what if I haven't gotten it yet
because he texted it to another woman?

Gabi, you have to stop and
finish the dinner I'm making.

[sighs]

Sofia, how can I cook when Josh
is sleeping with someone else?

[sighs] I told you this was
how it was all gonna go down.

Yeah, which he is probably
doing to another woman right now.

My God, look at you.
You're upset, you're hurt,

you're jealous. What are
those things called again?

- Oh, yeah, feelings.
- [scoffs] I'm not having any feelings.

Okay? Wh-what do I care if

Josh is sending penis pictures to
every girl in America except for me.

Gabi,

- you know how much I care about you.
- [knocking]

Oh, my God. Kendrick's here.

[Gabi and Josh gasp]

(Both) You're sleeping
with someone else!

Okay, this is what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna give you two
minutes to solve this while...

I go do some optimistic shaving.

Where on earth would you get the idea
that I'm sleeping with someone else?

Oh, let's just say a picture
paints a thousand words.

What do you mean, picture? What picture?

Uh, I saw you in your
office taking some...

lower selfies.

- Oh, my God, you saw...
- The panorama,

the lift and separate? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I saw 'em all, Josh. But I
didn't see them on my phone.

Wanna know why? Because
you didn't send 'em to me,

you sent 'em to someone
else! Who'd you send 'em to?

For your information,

- I sent them to a doctor.
- [gasps]

You're dating a doctor? What, so now
I'm not smart enough for you anymore?

I'm not dating anybody. You're
the one seeing someone else.

- What are you talking about?
- Aw, don't act so innocent.

- I'm very smart. I know things.
- Oh, really? Yeah, name...

name one thing you know.

I know why my groin's so itchy.

- What?
- Yeah.

I sent those photos to a doctor because
of the rash from the STD you gave me.

- What?
- And now you know what?

It serves me right
for having a punch card

with someone young and irresponsible.

You're sleeping with other people
while you're sleeping with me.

You're what my mother
would call a hussy.

[gasps] Oh, yeah?

Well, you're what my father
would call a man-hussy.

- A mussy.
- [gasps]

[panting] She didn't sleep with
anyone else! It was the detergent.

Great. So now, there's more people.

Josh, your rash was my fault.

I used a cheap brand of
detergent to wash your underpants.

Ask Elliot, he was itching too.

You were wearing my underpants?

No! I was just wiping my face with them.

(Sofia) Okay.

Don't you see what is happening here?

Nobody was sleeping with anybody.

Except for you two because
of that stupid punch card.

Which as I predicted
didn't solve anything

because you still have the
same issues you had without it.

No, we don't.

Oh, okay, really? So,
you weren't jealous

when you thought Josh was
sending pictures to other women?

I do not recall.

And, ah, you weren't jealous
when you came barging in here

accusing Gabi of sleeping around?

I do not recall.

Guys, just admit it. You're
not punch card people.

Okay? Now, I have a normal date
who's gonna be here any second,

so if you guys don't leave, you
are not invited to our wedding.

Which, I promise will be
spectacular and in Barcelona!

She does kinda sorta have a point.

Yeah, I guess this is
starting to feel a little...

boyfriendy-girlfriendy.

What? So,

- should we just stop this whole...
- Yeah, I think we should.

- Well, it was fun while it lasted.
- Mmm.

No. No, it wasn't.

Please leave.

Wait... uh, Josh, I-I-I
need to tell you somethin'.

The reason I was buying
cheap detergent...

Yolanda, I know why.

- You do?
- Yes.

I'm obviously not giving you
enough money to shop with,

so why don't I just
double what I give you now?

I think that would be for the best.

Great. Now, not to
change the subject but...

how do I look?

Like you have low self-esteem.

Sofia Rodriguez?

- Yes.
- These are for you.

Thank you. Oh! They're from Kendrick.

- Aw.
- [clears throat]

"I got back with my girlfriend

"so I can't make dinner.

"But thanks for being
such a good listener."

Aw.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry, Sofia.

He sent me flowers!

[sighs]

- [line trilling]
- [phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

That's funny, I was just gonna call you.

Oh, well, great minds think alike.

So, um, here's what
my mind was thinking.

It's not that we can't
handle a punch card,

it's that the punch
card has a little flaw.

We forgot about rules.

Go on.

- So, we're obviously two cute people.
- Extremely.

Who will eventually
date other cute people.

I mean, why wouldn't we?

Exactly, I mean, we're not a couple.

Not... a couple.

So, we need a rule.

I like rules.

To prevent any jealous feelings, if I
start dating someone, I'll let you know.

And if you start dating
someone, you let me know.

And then we just, uh... we
put the punch card on hold.

The tell and hold.

That is a genius rule. How
did we not think of that?

I don't know, cute people are dumb.

So...

- the punch card is back on?
- Mm-hmm.

Back in business, baby.

As long as...

- as long as there are no feelings.
- Nope. None here. You?

Nope. Not a one.

I am so relieved.

Me too.

[chuckles]

What? What's so funny?

Have you seen "Raccoon with a Broom"?

- No.
- All right, well...

- [chimes]
- here it comes.

[gasps] He's sweepin'.

Oh!

Ooh! Have you seen the
video of the baby hedgehog?

No! [gasps] Let's watch it together.

[tablet chimes]

You know, not being in a
relationship is awesome.

Yeah, it's the best.

Aw! The little hedgehog's
driving a little car.

Aw, that's so cute. Look, he just
picked up his little mouse friend.

(Josh) Do they remind you of anybody?

- (Gabi) Elliot and Yolanda.
- (Josh) I mean!

Those are boy jeans.

Why do you have boy jeans?

Oh, uh, they're Kendrick's.

I accidentally spilled your leftovers
on them, so I offered to wash 'em.

Oh, no. Uh, don't use that, that's
the stuff that gives you a rash.

Is it? Oh.

God, I would hate for him to think
his girlfriend gave him an STD.

Mm. [gasps]

You spilled those leftovers on purpose.

- Did I?
- [gasps]

Phoenix!